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Faceplams: Guilt, dread, fear. It took me over a year to finally file. You really should separate your money, though. Immediately. That's one thing I did before I even LEFT.Originally Posted by Dra508
Bite me
Guilt, dread, fear. It took me over a year to finally file. You really should separate your money, though. Immediately. That's one thing I did before I even LEFT.
Active Member
You're all right. Problem is, we have obligations and he has no income. He's got plenty of saving though and a wealthy father. So bleeding my monthly income dry to punish me is going to be over soon. He's going to need to stand on his own two feet and stop eating tenderloin.
BTW, my therapist says there is no place for guilt. It's a manufactured emotion. I'd love to agree with him, but I was raised Catholic. It'll take a lot for me not to feel guilty for walking away.
Throbbing Member
Oh boy can I relate to THIS. I've also had weekly check ins with my therapist over self-blame and guilt being worthless and a waste of emotion. This all seems to get a bit better (in pieces) when you continue to prioritize yourself...it's not selfish. It's just what you have to do right now. You're certainly thinking and getting advice in the right direction. My best to you Dra.
Active Member
Why I went to yoga Sunday, gym yesterday, wax/therapist/yoga today, day of rest tomorrow, more yoga, more gym and then maybe I'll have a glass of wine.
And our financial planner just left me a voice mail telling me he is "heartbroken" by the news. WTF.
VVVVV i moved out close to 4 months ago, but he's paying all the household bills with our joint checking which seems to only be receiving my paycheck. Something has got to give. I just want to get through this as amicably as possible. He's the one who suggested mediation first, but now silence. Yes - I got a find a lawyer. Not exactly people I know or money I want to spend.
I don't know about the Catholic thing - my parents were not the "or else you're going to go to hell type". I think it's the inability to feel selfish, that there are more important things in the world then individuality. I'm so lapsed I really am very open to not feeling guilty, but I did reject him so I think it's pretty natural regardless of religion to feel bad about that. He didn't ask for this.
Last edited by Dra508; 01-24-2012 at 12:05 PM. Reason: answer redshoewearer's question.
2.71828183
What is it about being raised Catholic? It stays with us forever. But yes, add my voice on separating assets. Are you guys going to live together until it is over or has someone moved out already? And yes do find a lawyer.
Throbbing Member
You are really rockin' that gym work! Good for you. I just started back into weights (haven't picked up running again) but I'm major sore from that first workout...waaay outta shape.
My wife and I haven't physically separated yet because we still haven't figured out how we're doing the finances. We at least have separate professional jobs with paychecks but bills, rent and everything comes out of the "lump sum". I'm still a bit burned from time to time with how much she's choosing to spend on herself without regard to our current situation or how we plan for the future. But that seems to be improving and we're navigating it as best we can.
Do I think she's selfish for ending it? Yeah sometimes I do. But I do understand it and know my part in this getting here. Do I want her to feel guilty about it? Not in the slightest. I'd right now just want to see the reasons around the breakup and all the complications around it just go away as "something in the past" so we can work on our future separated.
I got some really good words about this process from someone the other day. It may not hit you the same way but I found it very thoughtful: "This is going to be very tough on you but I promise it will get better."
Hairy Member
Does anyone have any suggestions on how to deal with a partner who has a serious health condition (besides open communication and honesty, which we have, thankfully)? My boyfriend has MS (relapsing remitting, the "good" kind) and he seems to be in constant pain. He's either very tired in general, or the interferon he takes gives him flu-like symptoms. His feet never stop hurting, and his legs often go numb. But, according to him, this is the best he's felt since being diagnosed with MS. This is his healthy baseline, basically, and it's very hard for me since he's clearly in pain. But I know I'm not helping the situation by worrying about him or acting as if he's ill when this is a typical good day for him. I know he's worried what will happen when he has a remission and things are much, much worse. I want to be sure that I'm not ignoring the realities of what's going on, yet I don't want to freak out and make him feel bad. Any help would be greatly appreciated. I certainly don't want him to feel that I'm upset because he has a health condition. I'm just trying to figure out how to handle myself and the situation best for both of us.
Bite me
Dra, I suggest that you immediately start *interviewing* divorce attorneys; a mix of male and female attorneys. And get another financial planner?
Aurelius: can you do some research on MS or talk with your own doctor about it?
Last edited by allegro; 01-25-2012 at 09:15 AM.
Bent Member
EDIT: Ah, never mind.
Last edited by Beef of the Sea; 01-25-2012 at 04:29 AM. Reason: CARRIAGE RETURN
Stubby Member
Your therapist is right.
Even more importantly, though, it's essential to think - in the quiet moments - that guilt is never, ever, ever a productive feeling.
Think about it: what has guilt ever done? Think about all the times you've been wracked with guilt, or when those you know have been. What changed? Nothing, guaranteed. About 80% of the time those feeling debilitating guilt didn't do anything to deserve feeling that way. And in the 20% of time when the guilt was warranted, did the person learn from it? I bet not. You feel guilty for cheating, or drinking too much, or being mean to your mum, and you stop for a while, and then three weeks from now you do it all over again. Or you do something different, but equally bad for the same reason.
Fuck guilt. It's not healing, it's not transformative. Awareness is. If you make the decision to never drink again you do it because you've become aware that you're using that drunkenness for something: a crutch, or a band-aid, or whatever. You never stop because you felt bad the last time you were hung over.
Only give time to useful, productive feelings. Guilt is not one of those.
Start fresh. It's time for renaissance Dra. Burn the fucker down and start fresh.
Bite me
That's true, guilt is neither useful nor productive.
Hairy Member
Good Insight Tim. Good luck with it all Dra - you'll get through it. It might be hard at times, but you will get through it.
Just something that freaked me out: over hearing two Girls I know talking about the fact that the other might be pregnant, and how to tell the boyfriend because he doesnt want kids, and it might scare him off. Sure, I accept that the possibility of Kids might scare anyone initially, but I also happen to know that before this, the girl would often be bitching about/upset because this boyfriend treats her like shit. They argue all the time, apparently do nothing but make each other miserable, and so where does the conversation lead next? 'Maybe he'll actually marry me now'. What? Did I miss something? They then begin discussing the fact that he will now have to be with her forever. How both of them always wanted babies. How exciting it all is.
What scares the shit out of me is that people still think babies will make everything OK. I just seem to see so many peopl ein relationships that dont seem to make them happy.
The Enhancer
Well shit... that just went sideways.
Active Member
Well hopefully not while in the back of your van...
Thanks all for words of encouragement - My financial planner even gave me props today. I'm sure he's looking to keep my business. :P
The Enhancer
HAH! Fortunately not! But the ex is worming his way back into the picture over the protestations of her friends.
Active Member
The friends are protesting about you or him? Because one of those is bananas.
The Enhancer
About him, he was a dick. They LIKE me!
BACKROLLS?!
K, I texted the guy I was kinda seeing/mad about in 2010 with an innocent question. Within a two-line response I got called "baby" and it ended with "xo".
This does not bode well.
Stubby Member
Do you have any reason to feel that way? I know you said yourself that it's completely irrational, but there has to be something there that's putting the idea into your head.
Note: I'm not saying you're justified in thinking she's not into you; maybe there's just some issue you need to resolve (either on your own or with her) in order to feel 100% comfortable and content.
Active Member
"I like her, and she's good to spend time around, but it doesn't seem to me that we have that mutual physical connection. I'd be fine with that for the meanwhile if we were really close emotionally, we could work things out, but she seems distant and I don't think I can deal with someone who is that distant. I want and need someone who will reply back to my texts quickly, who shares some of my interests and puts the effort in to connect with me."
Your post from about two weeks ago.
Like I said before, this sounds exactly like the relationship I ended a couple of weeks ago. You need to figure it out in your own head first, then be direct with your girl about it. In my case, I kept trying desperately to take anything nice that she did as a sign that she was into me, but there were far more little things (being "too tired" to just watch a movie together on a weekend, making plans with a friend instead of helping me move, etc) that made me finally ask her once and for all if she felt for me what I felt for her. She said no. That was that.
I was heartbroken for a bit, but now that I'm trying to at least get back to some sort of friendship with her, I'm seeing the same little habits, and it makes me glad that I finally got out. So figure it out: what does make you feel like she's into you? What makes you feel like she's not? You said she doesn't share any interests, and she's not making an effort to connect - has that changed? No one needs to share every interest you have, but if you don't like any of the same things and she's not making any effort at all to try to find common ground with you, then that doesn't bode well for a long term relationship.
Active Member
Go with your gut. It may not be what you want to "think" is right but usually it is.
The Enhancer
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaand... single again.She's giving it another go with the ex, which I'm sure she'll regret.
Administrator
Wow, that sucks, Fixer.
Bent Member
Damn it, that sucks goat wang.Aaaaaaaaaaaaaand... single again.
Let me know if you wanna chat about it guy, I'm going through a similar thing right now.
Active Member
I'm sorry to hear that, Fixer. Hang in there.
Hairy Member
There's this girl I met back at home during leave around christmas. We clicked almost the instant we met. We fell for each other pretty quickly. Had to come back to the Naval base in Great Lakes and we've been talking ever since. Things seem to be going great. We both never felt this strongly so quickly for someone else before. But this weekend she went on a church trip and now all of a sudden she's more distant and saying that this is all happening so fast. She's really into doing things for the youth ministry for her church and cares about those kids a lot. I told her before that I'd support her no matter what. All this kind of came out of no where. Kind of thinking I should accept that maybe it was too good to be true and walk away because I'm afraid that it'll just be another waste of time like my past relationships.
Throbbing Member
I really can't tell if my friend likes me or if he is just being really cool. I just hope he doesn't think i like him...(my interests lay in someone else currently who is so inconveniently far away, but what can i do.)
Bent Member
She's being vague, aloof, ignoring the problem and being really bitchy. It's totally not worth the heartache, she can go fuck herself.
Onwards and upwards.
EDIT: To avoid any confusion, I'm rambling about my own problems.
Last edited by Beef of the Sea; 01-29-2012 at 11:54 PM.
Hairy Member
I'm considering just cutting my losses. It really sucks because I really wanted this to work out. I've never gave this much of a damn before. She's the first girl I've not "slept with" our first night together. She seemed like the first girl I've met that has a good head on her shoulders and everything. But oh well. Was planning on taking leave for her birthday in April.
Active Member
Bloody idiot.Aaaaaaaaaaaaaand... single again.
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