The Relationship Thread

[Beef of the Sea]

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaand... single again. She's giving it another go with the ex, which I'm sure she'll regret.

You're an amazing dude Chris, don't let it get you down, because she'll certainly regret it and come running back to you.

[Fixer808]

Thanks man, I really appreciate it. Same to the rest of you! I just hope she doesn't take too long, we were pretty amazing together, she just apparently needs to get her head sorted out, and while I don't want to have to pick up the pieces when it inevitable goes haywire (I don't want her to have to go through that shit again), I'll still do it because I care about her.
So I'm giving her some space and time, and we're still friends.

[sentient02970]

Good for you Fixer. Best of luck to you. This shit is never easy.

[Magtig]

So I did ask the woman I mentioned earlier if she'd like to be my girlfriend while we were out in Death Valley, and she said yes! I probably would have asked earlier, but I had to make sure she wasn't just saying she was okay with non-monogamy.

I've never been in a relationship with such open communication, and so few conflicts. It's... weird (and great)!

[theimage13]

In the last three weeks, I've now sent messages to over 75 people between two sites. I've gotten replies from two. And second replies from...none.

Seriously, I can't remember ever feeling this demoralized or depressed in my life. With the exception of this issue, I'm a generally positive person with a good job and in good shape...what the hell is so off-putting about that?

[Dra508]

So I did ask the woman I mentioned earlier if she'd like to be my girlfriend while we were out in Death Valley, and she said yes! I probably would have asked earlier, but I had to make sure she wasn't just saying she was okay with non-monogamy.

People still "ask people out"? Or is it that if you don't make it "official" that implies that you won't or don't have to be monogamous? Just curious.

[Magtig]

People still "ask people out"? Or is it that if you don't make it "official" that implies that you won't or don't have to be monogamous? Just curious.

"Ask people out" can refer to asking someone on a date, which seems to be less common. People still become boyfriend/girlfriend fairly regularly. I asked her to be my girlfriend, but before I did that I wanted to make sure she was okay with non-monogamy (which is how I've always described myself to her).

[Kid Charlemagne]

I thought it wasn't official until your Facebook Relationship Status says so?

[Pillfred]

In the last three weeks, I've now sent messages to over 75 people between two sites. I've gotten replies from two. And second replies from...none.

Seriously, I can't remember ever feeling this demoralized or depressed in my life. With the exception of this issue, I'm a generally positive person with a good job and in good shape...what the hell is so off-putting about that?

I would think its more that most people probably don't have a paid subscription. I hoped on match.com after reading about you trying out some sites to see what if its any different now than it was 10 years ago, it doesn't really seem to be other than it more acceptable now i would think to use such a site. It tells me that people like me but since i ain't giving them any money thats where it ends for my part anyway. As for the other don't beat yourself up too much about it won't do you any good.

[DF118]

I'd guess that those sites probably have a tonne of fake profiles too.

[Lunatica]

I would think its more that most people probably don't have a paid subscription. I hoped on match.com after reading about you trying out some sites to see what if its any different now than it was 10 years ago, it doesn't really seem to be other than it more acceptable now i would think to use such a site. It tells me that people like me but since i ain't giving them any money thats where it ends for my part anyway. As for the other don't beat yourself up too much about it won't do you any good.

I met my boyfriend of 1 year through OKCupid, it's free!

I think it worked for me because I'm more social on the internet. Well, I used to be anyway. The trick is making your profile as simple and straight to the point and honest as possible. I think OKCupid makes you write an essay but really, nobody reads the whole thing. A lot of them go on a tangent and some of them sound contrived and stiff and completely fake. But if that's your thing I guess... I kinda know how to read people on the internet. Some of my friends wrote the same few things in all the languages they know. That helps too. One of my best friend met someone that speaks the same 3 languages as her.

First of all messaging should be casual, always concentrating on what they have to say on their profile. Anything that caught your eye and you found funny or curious. Don't get attached, the more you message people, the more practice you have, the better you get at socializing through the site. Secondly, If a friendship emerges try and add them on Facebook or Twitter. That's a good way of getting to know the internet person better now a days. Finally, trust your instincts, if something give you a red flag, don't meet him in person until you talk on the phone a lot and ask the right questions concerning your problem.

Oh, and another thing. Photos LIE.

My boyfriend is not photogenic AT ALL.

At best if you are honest with yourself (even your horrible self) and serious about it, you'll meet a best friend and lover. At worst... you'll still make a friend if you do it right.

[theimage13]

It's not just Match.com (since I know a lot of people don't pay). And I'm pretty sure they're not fake profiles, as I'm not sending messages out to the bleach-blonde, tanned, decked out at the club kind of people. I'm sending messages to people who seem to have written very genuine things that (to me) don't reek at all of insincerity. I've been winked at by definite fake profiles before...pretty sure those aren't the people I'm messaging. Oh well. And for what it's worth, I don't just send "ur hot" or stupid shit like that. I take the time to read profiles, usually comment on something that they've written, and ask at least one question so there's an easy in for a reply. Le sigh.

[playwithfire]

Honestly, theimage13, this is probably something you've been told before or don't want to hear, but it's worth saying:

I think you put too much importance on this stuff.

Now, I get being frustrated by inexperience or wanting someone to share parts of your life with, but you've got a kickass job and seem like a pretty cool guy. I would posit that you can have a totally awesome life without a lady in it.

That said, are romantic relationships awesome? Of course they are. But they aren't nearly everything so many people act like they are.

Do you talk to many people "irl" or put yourself out much that way? Honestly, unless you live in a big city or generally do things that put you around a lot of the opposite sex (as in your case you're straight, I assume), you aren't going to have an incredible amount of luck with them.

Like, I decided to do celibacy for a bit a while ago (I did it for about a year and a half, because while I was and still am somewhat inexperienced.. ish... I felt like I had made some of the choices I had for the wrong reasons... and also not having to think about that shit was awesome, celibacy rocks but that is SO not where I'm going with you) and I can honestly tell you that in that time I had no abundance of opportunities because I WASN'T IN SITUATIONS WHERE I'D MEET PEOPLE and that was the case before I decided to do that and that's the case now. I don't have lots of opportunities to get with people because I don't meet very many people I have chemistry with because I rarely try new things or go places where I would, and I bet the same could be said for you...

Why not involve yourself in something where you might meet people you're interested in?

Dating kind of sucks and isn't that natural of a way to meet people.

I realize this was rambling but I hope you get what I mean and realize I'm not trying to be a jerk.

[Beef of the Sea]

That's some quality advice PWF.

[theimage13]

I appreciate the time to give me advice, but here's my current line of thinking:

I've only had two even remotely serious relationships, totaling less than one year in time.
I'm a virgin.
I've shared my bed exactly one time, and it was because her house had no heat and no running water during a snowstorm.
All of my friends and cousins back home - around my age - are in very happy relationships (many married).

Everywhere I look, I see happy couples. When I go out for a bike ride or a hike somewhere, I see nothing but people riding side by side or holding hands while they walk. And the only thing I can think of is "I want that". When I went to Arlington National Cemetery with my old roommate and his wife last year, I was deeply moved by some of the things I saw, but had to just stand there by myself while I watched her take his hand. Maybe it shouldn't bother me this much, but it does. I understand that being single can have it's merits, but for 25 of my 26 years here, that's the way it's been. It's getting old.

As far as involving myself with people with similar interests, it's a bit tough out here. And I live in Amish country, while I'm a fairly liberal agnostic. I'm perfectly willing to date something with different religious and political views, but it doesn't appear to work the other way. And re, the job situation: when I'm not working in town at the shop, I'm busy enough and doing enough exciting stuff that it doesn't really bother me at all. But it's been really slow, and I haven't toured since last summer. So it's given me a lot of time to just work 9-5 and come home to make dinner for one.

So no, I don't think you're being a jerk. And again, I appreciate seeing an outside perspective on the situation. I just feel like mine is a bit different than most guys my age, and while that's not the reason I'd like it to change, I think it makes it a little harder to just brush things off.

[playwithfire]

How impossible to surmount of an obstacle would moving be for you?

[DF118]

I appreciate the time to give me advice, but here's my current line of thinking:

I've only had two even remotely serious relationships, totaling less than one year in time.
I'm a virgin.
I've shared my bed exactly one time, and it was because her house had no heat and no running water during a snowstorm.
All of my friends and cousins back home - around my age - are in very happy relationships (many married).

Everywhere I look, I see happy couples. When I go out for a bike ride or a hike somewhere, I see nothing but people riding side by side or holding hands while they walk. And the only thing I can think of is "I want that". When I went to Arlington National Cemetery with my old roommate and his wife last year, I was deeply moved by some of the things I saw, but had to just stand there by myself while I watched her take his hand. Maybe it shouldn't bother me this much, but it does. I understand that being single can have it's merits, but for 25 of my 26 years here, that's the way it's been. It's getting old.

As far as involving myself with people with similar interests, it's a bit tough out here. And I live in Amish country, while I'm a fairly liberal agnostic. I'm perfectly willing to date something with different religious and political views, but it doesn't appear to work the other way. And re, the job situation: when I'm not working in town at the shop, I'm busy enough and doing enough exciting stuff that it doesn't really bother me at all. But it's been really slow, and I haven't toured since last summer. So it's given me a lot of time to just work 9-5 and come home to make dinner for one.

So no, I don't think you're being a jerk. And again, I appreciate seeing an outside perspective on the situation. I just feel like mine is a bit different than most guys my age, and while that's not the reason I'd like it to change, I think it makes it a little harder to just brush things off.

I'd think of it like, age doesn't really matter, people put far too much emphasis on this as a social thing. The idea of being "left on the shelf" doesn't really apply anymore.

How easy is it for you to go out and meet people? Not through websites, but by starting a random conversation with a girl, which then turns into you asking them if they want to go for a cup of coffee? Also, they don't have to be of similar interests. In fact, I'd suggest that meeting someone dissimilar opens one up to different experiences.

[jessamineny]

theimage13, maybe it's worth considering that the women you're contacting can sense just how much you want a relationship -- and perhaps they're mistakenly translating that as neediness or even desperation. Do you have a trustworthy female friend who would be willing to look at your correspondence and give you some feedback?

[Kenny Smith]

Thanks man, I really appreciate it. Same to the rest of you! I just hope she doesn't take too long, we were pretty amazing together, she just apparently needs to get her head sorted out, and while I don't want to have to pick up the pieces when it inevitable goes haywire (I don't want her to have to go through that shit again), I'll still do it because I care about her.
So I'm giving her some space and time, and we're still friends.

I've been lurking on this thread, perhaps because I'm a nerdy guy who had a fair share of relationship problems. Right now, I'm in an awesome relationship, but I've had it pretty rough. I was in an awful marriage for almost five years. Part of the reason it sucked, quite frankly, was that my partner was a selfish jackass, and I kept making excuses for her actions. You need to have enough confidence to ditch someone when she treats you like crap. You have to accept that being single is better than being in a bad relationship.

So here's the deal: this girl is treating you like crap. What the hell is she thinking running off with some guy who is obviously wrong for her? Who is so stupid that she ditches a nice guy for a jackass? Also, she sounds like a lot of work. I don't know about you, but I don't like having to pick up pieces. Women can go find some other sap to handle their mental issues.

This might be sexist, but here's the cardinal rule of relationships: men don't respect women who give it up on the first date, and women don't respect wussy men. My advice is to kick this women to the curb. Call her up, tell her she's being a complete idiot, and never talk to her again. It'll give you confidence to end something so decisively. One time, when I had some girl who was using me to feel good about herself, I told her that I was sick of being just friends. I had enough close relationships in my life. I didn't need someone hanging around who just wanted adoration. If she wanted a fan, she could go find something other sap. I've never talked to her again, and I've never regretted the decision.

Only one solution exists to relationship problems: NEVER SETTLE. Don't say, "I know this lady's making a mistake, but I'll give her a chance to 'sort things out.' I care her enough to do that." You say, "Well, this stupid idiot obviously can't recognize that this was a good relationship. Oh well. I don't want anything permanent with someone like that." Once you start thinking in this way, you'll be amazed by how women change their attitude.

I expect everyone will jump all over me. But that doesn't mean what I said is false.

[Kenny Smith]

One final thing: do you have any "dude" friends? You need someone to call up in this situation like this guy:

[DF118]

I've been lurking on this thread, perhaps because I'm a nerdy guy who had a fair share of relationship problems. Right now, I'm in an awesome relationship, but I've had it pretty rough. I was in an awful marriage for almost five years. Part of the reason it sucked, quite frankly, was that my partner was a selfish jackass, and I kept making excuses for her actions. You need to have enough confidence to ditch someone when she treats you like crap. You have to accept that being single is better than being in a bad relationship.

So here's the deal: this girl is treating you like crap. What the hell is she thinking running off with some guy who is obviously wrong for her? Who is so stupid that she ditches a nice guy for a jackass? Also, she sounds like a lot of work. I don't know about you, but I don't like having to pick up pieces. Women can go find some other sap to handle their mental issues.

This might be sexist, but here's the cardinal rule of relationships: men don't respect women who give it up on the first date, and women don't respect wussy men. My advice is to kick this women to the curb. Call her up, tell her she's being a complete idiot, and never talk to her again. It'll give you confidence to end something so decisively. One time, when I had some girl who was using me to feel good about herself, I told her that I was sick of being just friends. I had enough close relationships in my life. I didn't need someone hanging around who just wanted adoration. If she wanted a fan, she could go find something other sap. I've never talked to her again, and I've never regretted the decision.

Only one solution exists to relationship problems: NEVER SETTLE. Don't say, "I know this lady's making a mistake, but I'll give her a chance to 'sort things out.' I care her enough to do that." You say, "Well, this stupid idiot obviously can't recognize that this was a good relationship. Oh well. I don't want anything permanent with someone like that." Once you start thinking in this way, you'll be amazed by how women change their attitude.

I expect everyone will jump all over me. But that doesn't mean what I said is false.

B-b-b- bingo.

[allegro]

B-b-b-BULLSHIT.

First, them's some pretty fucking Catholic rules, there, dude. I always put out on the first date. And I got lots of dates after that, and they usually turned into relationships. If I wanted them to. I always figured, why put it off? That's a good way to find out if you're compatible. Why play stupid moral games? If the sex is bad, I figure it's good to know that right away. Why waste time investing in a relationship when there's no chemistry or bad sex?

Kenny, I'm divorced, too, and I think what you're doing is what psychologists call "projecting."

[playwithfire]

I've been lurking on this thread, perhaps because I'm a nerdy guy who had a fair share of relationship problems. Right now, I'm in an awesome relationship, but I've had it pretty rough. I was in an awful marriage for almost five years. Part of the reason it sucked, quite frankly, was that my partner was a selfish jackass, and I kept making excuses for her actions. You need to have enough confidence to ditch someone when she treats you like crap. You have to accept that being single is better than being in a bad relationship.

So here's the deal: this girl is treating you like crap. What the hell is she thinking running off with some guy who is obviously wrong for her? Who is so stupid that she ditches a nice guy for a jackass? Also, she sounds like a lot of work. I don't know about you, but I don't like having to pick up pieces. Women can go find some other sap to handle their mental issues.

This might be sexist, but here's the cardinal rule of relationships: men don't respect women who give it up on the first date, and women don't respect wussy men. My advice is to kick this women to the curb. Call her up, tell her she's being a complete idiot, and never talk to her again. It'll give you confidence to end something so decisively. One time, when I had some girl who was using me to feel good about herself, I told her that I was sick of being just friends. I had enough close relationships in my life. I didn't need someone hanging around who just wanted adoration. If she wanted a fan, she could go find something other sap. I've never talked to her again, and I've never regretted the decision.

Only one solution exists to relationship problems: NEVER SETTLE. Don't say, "I know this lady's making a mistake, but I'll give her a chance to 'sort things out.' I care her enough to do that." You say, "Well, this stupid idiot obviously can't recognize that this was a good relationship. Oh well. I don't want anything permanent with someone like that." Once you start thinking in this way, you'll be amazed by how women change their attitude.

I expect everyone will jump all over me. But that doesn't mean what I said is false.

Fixer, plzdon't. kthx.

I think the right intent is there but I also don't want to see you stop being the fantastic nice guy (NOT the Nice Guy™) you are.

[orestes]

Yeah, about "Nice Guys". . .

[JessicaSarahS]

B-b-b-BULLSHIT.

First, them's some pretty fucking Catholic rules, there, dude. I always put out on the first date. And I got lots of dates after that, and they usually turned into relationships. If I wanted them to. I always figured, why put it off? That's a good way to find out if you're compatible. Why play stupid moral games? If the sex is bad, I figure it's good to know that right away. Why waste time investing in a relationship when there's no chemistry or bad sex?

+1! I am not going to waste time playing games with sex. If I had a good date with a guy and we clicked, I'm going to fuck him. If we didn't click, we'll part ways with no sex. I don't see why people have to pussyfoot around the sex issue. So old fashioned. If he loses respect for me for enjoying sex, then it's his loss and I move on.

[DF118]

Yeah, about "Nice Guys". . .

That's a good article. What I would say is though, you can also get a lot of people who know fine well that their friends like them, and take advantage of it a little as a fall back ego booster.

That's not to say a friend who gets rejected shouldn't just man up and get over it though.

[playwithfire]

I would never want to date someone who wouldn't have still wanted to be my friend after I rejected them romantically.

[orestes]

That's a good article. What I would say is though, you can also get a lot of people who know fine well that their friends like them, and take advantage of it a little as a fall back ego booster.

Yes, and these people, whether they be man or woman, are selfish assholes.

Also, Kenny, nice "slut" shaming you have going on.

[M1ke]

Yeah, about "Nice Guys". . .

Sadly though, if a guy wants a sexual relationship and the girl wants a platonic one, the guy either enters the friendzone or is branded a misogynist if he's not interested in a platonic friendship.

If the friendzone is not where you want to be it might be better for you to just walk away. You've got to look after yourself too.

[M1ke]

I would never want to date someone who wouldn't have still wanted to be my friend after I rejected them romantically.

I'm not sure if you realize this or not, but rejection hurts. Some people don't like to spend time with those who hurt them.