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Faceplams: Could it actually be a result of the hormones?
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Could it actually be a result of the hormones?
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It could be. That would be a really bad sign, actually. Because everything I've heard from people in the trans* community is, hormones will either feel right or they'll feel wrong. So if this is the hormones feeling wrong that means transition is wrong for me which means...well, it means I'm stuck as a guy for the rest of my life. And that's a shitty outcome.
The thing is, the first month of hormones I felt nothing. I was just as in the middle as I had ever been. The second month on hormones (the last month) I was feeling much better, leaning toward transition. You would think maybe the hormones were finally clicking, that it felt right.
Then, today, this happened. And my doc just upped my dose last week. So the most obvious answer is, the doc gives me a higher dose, I really start feeling it, and it feels wrong, I realize I'm not trans* and stop this dead in its tracks. I tried, I realized I didn't want this, I finally got my answer and the answer was no. But I refuse to give up yet. I refuse. I will not let this go yet.
Also, realizing I don't want this flies in the face of a lifetime of feeling otherwise. It just doesn't make any sense whatsoever. And it's not like the feelings are totally gone. My biggest fear is realizing I don't want to transition- but not having the trans* feelings go away. So I'll spend the rest of my life miserable that I can't be a woman, depressed and lost and feeling as horrible about it as I've ever been, but knowing I can never transition, because when I get too far down the path my brain will swing the other direction. Forever trans*, never being able to do anything about it. And for awhile there I thought I had moved past that, I really thought things were looking up. Now I feel like I've lost it again.
Bite me
Shit my estrogen is sky high, my hormones are driving me fucking nuts, and I'm female!
Maybe the hormones make you feel like that because, like, welcome to being female? Sometimes this sucks, too, but this is what we put up with (at least you'd never have periods and PMS).
Last edited by allegro; 08-08-2014 at 07:40 PM.
Active Member
Maybe. I'll just have to wait and see how I feel in the coming days. But right now it doesn't feel any better. If it continues then I'm definitely stopping the hormones very soon. I guess I should at least be glad that if this is the way I really feel at least I found out before it was too late.
Last edited by theruiner; 08-08-2014 at 08:46 PM.
Bent Member
As someone who has fluctuating hormones naturally, I can tell you that it is possible for them to play havoc with emotions. That's why new mothers experience post-partum depression -- their hormones are fluctuating a great deal all at once. You might be experiencing a similar sort of phenomenon. Maybe ask around and see if others experienced something similar shortly after changing doses (not necessarily questioning things, but experiencing emotional flux). Your doctor might have insight as well.
The fact that this is only happening after your dosage was raised (since your estrogen levels were pretty low apparently) might actually be a positive sign. (That it's just the hormones being hormones, and not a "sign from above") :::hugs:::
Last edited by jessamineny; 08-08-2014 at 09:34 PM.
Active Member
That actually makes a lot of sense. It got me thinking- I did struggle with this for so long, going back and forth for months, maybe it is the hormones just messing with my emotions and because that is such a sore spot for me that's what my mind started focusing on. I certainly hope so, because I really was feeling so much better and I was hopeful that I had finally started to go in a positive direction.
Thank you both for the support.You know, if this IS the hormones then that is kind of what I signed up for. ha ha. I knew that feeling crappy sometimes might be part of it and I wanted the whole experience, so...
@_@
Yep. That's what it sounds like to me too.Originally Posted by allegro
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ha. I never thought feeling crappy could make me feel happy but thinking it might be the hormones actually cheers me up the more I think about it. Plus feeling some solidarity now and that feels great.
@_@
My hormones are out of whack today and I'm having the shittiest day. Welcome!ha. I never thought feeling crappy could make me feel happy but thinking it might be the hormones actually cheers me up the more I think about it. Plus feeling some solidarity now and that feels great.
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Well, it's been a couple of days. I've had my moments but I've been feeling better about things. Certainly better than when I posted the other day.
That is, until a few minutes ago when it just hit me all over again like a ton of bricks. But I'm trying to focus on the positive, and that is that I have been feeling better as the weekend progressed. So maybe things will even out again and I'll be back to "leaning toward transition" like I have been the last month. Or, fingers crossed, "decided that I'm definitely going through with this."
Speaking of positive things, I am pretty sure the hormones are actually affecting me. I didn't really have a problem crying before when needed. I've always been pretty in touch with my emotions so it wasn't like with some trans women where the hormones broke down years of emotional repression and they felt like they were finally getting in touch with their feelings. Plus lots of depression, especially lately (having a falling out with my best friend didn't help). BUT, it does seem that I am crying more than I used to. And maybe it's coming a little more easily than before. I was just sitting here a few minutes ago and started feeling bad about my gender issue again and it took probably 30 seconds, maybe less, before I just started crying pretty hard. I don't think I used to go from 0 to 10 that fast before. Which, believe it or not, I consider a really positive thing. It means these little blue pills are actually working.
Also, it does seem to me like my face has changed a bit. Meaning I can actually see it myself, because people have told me I look different but I just didn't see it. I was looking in the mirror earlier and thought, wow, I can actually kind of see it.
And I was very wary of saying anything about this, both because I wasn't sure I wanted to share this much information on the board and also because I wasn't sure if it would weird people out to talk about it, but there has been another interesting change that started about a month ago. Without going into too much detail, let's just say that I now have to be pretty careful when I give people hugs, because ouch.
Last edited by theruiner; 08-10-2014 at 06:54 PM.
Bite me
@theruiner
Ohhhhhh yeah OW didn't anybody tell you about that part?!?! Welcome to the 6th grade, girl! :-) You have arrived!!!
Last edited by allegro; 08-10-2014 at 07:02 PM.
Active Member
ha ha ha ha!
Yeah. It's not just pain, there's a bit more physically, but not much. And it hasn't really changed since it started a little more than a month ago. But yeah. It's funny, it hurt but hugs didn't bother me until a couple weeks ago when I was leaving after hanging out with the family, and I gave my mom a hug and (silently) was like, ow! Damn! ha ha. I guess that tells me that SOMETHING is happening, at least.
Bite me
Just WAIT lol it will get worse heh.
You'll feel like two excruciating nipples lol.
Active Member
I heard it even hurts to shower at a certain point.
Active Member
Oh, she got rose buds.
Active Member
Well...
After reading your post, Dra, I started thinking about all the changes that are going to happen to me if I continue and I just started smiling ear to ear.
Last edited by theruiner; 08-11-2014 at 09:57 PM.
Bite me
LOL I remember when I got my first bra, my dad said "now that she's got a living bra, WHAT'S SHE GONNA FEED IT????" ugh.
pretty soon, you gonna need a bra so you don't get hurt every time you put on a shirt.
Last edited by allegro; 08-11-2014 at 10:24 PM.
Active Member
Then a sports bra because any running and you feel like the girls are going to be pissed if you don't lock em down good. Birth of the moob.
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It's insane to me that this is actually happening. Insane.
Yeah, I guess soon enough. I'm looking forward to the day that I actually need to wear one.
Bite me
Soon, your nipples will be the bane of your existence. You'll need a bra solely as armor for your protruding extremely sensitive nipples.
And then we'll all celebrate
Active Member
Nipplegasm!!
And then we'll all celebrate
Active Member
Well...things are not going well. For the last few days I have had the growing feeling that this is completely wrong and I need to stop. It feels like my trans feelings are going away. Again. I don't know what the hell is going on but I know that if it continues I'm going to have to stop these hormones and soon. This is very, very frustrating and scary and depressing.
Hierba Gatera
@theruiner , do you think your depression is influencing these feelings?
Active Member
I honestly don't know. I really don't.
Hierba Gatera
I can't imagine what you're feeling right now, having a change of this magnitude in your life. But I know how long you've wanted this. And I also know that depression can make everything appear bleak, no matter how much progress has been made or how good things are going. Can you start charting your swings? Your current one began on the 17th, going by one of your FB posts. Did the negative trans feelings start at the same time? You sounded positive in this thread on the 11th.
Last edited by Baphomette; 08-21-2014 at 10:27 PM.
Active Member
Well, I'm feeling better about things, though I'm still not sure what I'm going to do. But in the meantime, I am going to enjoy the happy moments when I can. And I can't believe I'm doing this, because I didn't think I would post a pic until much further into my transition, but I am starting to see some changes in my face, so now I want to share it. Heh.
I know there are things I need to work on. I can't do anything with my eyebrows right now because of work/not being out to everyone/etc., etc. And the dark circles under my eyes SUCK. And I am really self conscious about my weight. But whatever. I am seeing a change. Not a hugely drastic one, but I can see it happening. And I'm feeling much better about the way I look than I did before.
http://imgur.com/a/ItKOx#naSvHOb
Hierba Gatera
You look great, Ryan! The changes are subtle but still visible. Wow!!
Re: the dark circles - they're easy to manage, especially b/c of the whole "smokey eye" fad. just use undereye concealer first and then use power eyeliner to get a smudge effect. There's a MAC brush I use that's perfect for this. I have to use an eye drop that gives me the same kinda circles which is why I figured out what to do about 'em.
Active Member
@theruiner
I think you have the good attitude right now, basically ride the waves and see where it takes you.
I really thought trolls where so 2007, but apparently not:
http://www.rawstory.com/rs/2014/08/2...ect=no&oswrr=1
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This looks kind of awesome.
http://www.avclub.com/article/agains...s-about-208862
Active Member
You know, as great as the transgender community can be, you don’t get very much support if you realize you don’t want to transition anymore. The few times I have brought it up, and have seen others bring it up, people come out of the word work to try DESPERATELY to convince you that you are still trans, that you really do want this deep down, blah, blah, blah. Guys, it’s ok if I realize that this isn’t who I am. Really. It doesn’t invalidate you at all because someone realized this wasn’t for them.
This is hard enough as it is and to turn to your community for support only to have people trying to steer you in the wrong direction is really frustrating.
Last edited by theruiner; 09-19-2014 at 01:16 PM.
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