Down, but not out.
Aside from looking and sounding like a nutter, it looks like most people assume that everybody loves themselves and wants to get to know people, and be around people. I had a hard time understanding that, but that usually seems to be the case and the norm. It's just my observation, since it also looks very weird to insert any pieces of negativity about yourself and how you deal with others in small talk, even if there is time to actually discuss it.Originally Posted by Pillfred
Now I'm 0000
If you stay outside the conversation people think you're being standoffish (or so I always assume); open your mouth and you sound dour. Can't win.
Real-time communication just isn't my strong suit. With the right medication I can lighten up enough to pass as dry witted — even entertainingly sarcastic — but email is easier to cope with. Asynchrony rules.
Down, but not out.
I'm just thankful for this place being the one few areas of life where I can open up about stuff like this, since I'm forced to keep it to myself in real life. People are quick to tell me to get therapy or professional help. (Not that it's wrong, but I've been to counseling and therapy so many times in my earlier years. I'm tired of it.) And yes, I seem write better than I speak too.
Now I'm 0000
Talking obviously has benefits or this thread wouldn't exist, but IMO sitting down with a therapist is a waste of money if you have a decent amount of self-awareness, and it seems like you do. But have you ever worked with a psychiatrist? Even if the drugs are more art than science, at least the results are visible* and repeatable on short timescales. It can be discouraging at times, but I think perfectionism is an advantage here — as long as you don't give up too easily.
I've got a great working relationship with my psychiatrist. He makes good suggestions but trusts me to (usually) know what's going on in my head better than anyone else could. There's never any question that I'm the driver.
* If I'd known how visible, I would have started a lot sooner. A real eye-opener.
Down, but not out.
I just want to get this off my chest while the thought is still there, but I'm realizing more and more that it's actually very taboo to admit any mood or desire that suggests you don't want to be around people. I really hate that, because any slight utterance of such thoughts can easily come across as, "I fucking hate people! I can't stand them. Everybody can just fuck right the fuck off!" I don't feel this way all the time, but the less people I "have" to talk to and be around, the better. I even stressed this in The Friendship Thread and The Introvert Thread, and it's not always based on fear/hate/anger, but preference.
@Joy Prevention Hotline - Oh, and I know I just jumped to another topic with in this topic, but I really appreciate whatever dialogue I'm able to have here. And yes, you're right, it certainly helps. Thank you for listening/reading.
Active Member
I totally get you. Do you feel that you operate better when you are not around people?
My quick mental health story: I've been battling with mental health issues since I was a kid. Fast forward to 3 years ago, I ended up doing an outpatient stint at a hospital. Then 2.5 years ago, I ended up 5150 and spent 5 days in hell. I've been off of meds for nearly 2 years now and I've never felt better. I see my therapist whenever I need to but I'm doing great. Point being, I've seen all sides of ugly and "happiness"- so I know.
Down, but not out.
Perhaps not all the time, but most of the time. It also depends on the people that are around me. However, I probably should have taken the advice that suggests to fake it until I make it more seriously and literally because I'm realizing more and more that you sometimes have to pretend to be a team player in order to move on and get by in life. (In other words, it has really taught me that I have to sometimes cut out my absolutely silent or absolutely direct approach, since both extremes have gotten me in trouble.)
Now I'm 0000
I hate everything today. Don't talk to me, don't look at me, don't fucking breathe on me.
Now I'm 0000
It must be the medication. I wouldn't feel so overwhelmingly wrong under normal circumstances (even if "normal" for me isn't exactly normal).
Sleep usually fixes it, so I'm gonna have to take a nap before I go home … otherwise I'll be a menace to everyone else.
Hierba Gatera
Which med(s) are you taking? Wellbutrin by any chance?
Now I'm 0000
Prozac, though I haven't really noticed a difference between it and Wellbutrin aside from the price.
Usually I get this … I dunno, "nihilist-dyspeptic" feeling from other stuff, like Strattera or Zoloft. But I am trying something new this time, taking the smallest available dosage every other day (aiming for 5mg/day). Could be a combination of that and the change in the weather — the effects of both should be temporary.
Down, but not out.
This definitely has to belong in this thread. I'm realizing more and more that I don't know how to joke with others, as I have a tendency to take things personally. I also have a hard time forgetting the bad things and letting them go. It's sometimes very hard for me to tell the difference between somebody that's joking or being genuinely mean. I also noticed that there really are lots of people that wouldn't give somebody that has a hard time forgiving and/or trusting others the time of day. I suppose that my lack of confidence is also a turn-off as well.
All I just did was stress how much I don't want to get hurt, but that seems to drive people away. I thought that if I was crystal clear about it, people would be understanding and accommodating to my personality, but instead, I'm given the cold shoulder or even the stink eye, even on the Internet. I would even go as far as saying something to the effect of: "I need to know that I can trust you. I'm afraid of getting hurt."
1. So is it true that nobody would like to be friends with somebody that has a hard time forgiving and trusting others?
2. Is it also true that most people wouldn't want to be friends with somebody that also has a hard time telling the difference between joking and being mean? (I'm not good at "poking fun with others", "busting chops/balls", or "yanking chains.")
3. And nobody wants to be friends with somebody that'll remember just about every bad thing you said and did, right?
4. Does being fearful of others also make somebody become unappealing to be around? (I think that's one of the reasons why I've been called uptight, or a killjoy.)
My lack of forgiveness and trust isn't always about anger and bitterness either, as I have this constant fear of getting hurt and betrayed, and getting people's bad sides. I'm also afraid of giving people a reason to hurt me. That's why I'm nice to people to start with, aside from it being the right thing to do, who knows what'll happen if you piss off the wrong person/people at the wrong place, at the wrong time? I figured this part of my personality is probably too much for some people to put up with. As of now, I don't bring it up, and only brought it up here, because this seemed to still be one of those correct places to do it.
I really thought it's just as simple as, "You treat me right, and I'll treat you right.", but it sometimes seems to be far more complicated than that. And now you know a huge reason as to why I tend to stay alone and keep things to myself in real life. Oh, and I'm not trying to say that I stopped believing in forgiveness, or that I'm completely opposed to forgiveness. It's just that I'm just very weak/horrible at it.
This also ironically made me look like the bad guy too, as I have also pissed people off, or hurt people's feelings with these aspects of my guarded personality, sometimes without even realizing it at first. And I really am serious. Some jokes really look like disses, and it's not always easy to tell if I'm being attacked or not.
-Oh, and you obviously don't have to answer my questions if you don't want to. I was just blowing off some steam, which sort of seems to help.-
Last edited by Halo Infinity; 11-02-2013 at 12:55 PM.
Now I'm 0000
I'm surprised just how much of that can come from the mood I'm in. Feeling stressed/frustrated/depressed makes everyone around me look like a threat. And when I can't hide those feelings they react badly, and the feedback loop just reinforces itself. No amount of self-awareness can stop it from happening.
It's only when some kind of medication breaks the cycle that I can see the best in people, and care about their feelings as much as my own. The transition never ceases to amaze me, which is why I keep trying to get around the side effects any way I can.
Other people may achieve the same effect with something other than drugs, but this is what works for me.
Down, but not out.
I'm beginning to wonder if a lack of smiling and laughter can eventually bring you down. I sometimes just try to see how long I can go without smiling and laughing, and I've got to admit that it does feel like something is missing after a while. It took me a while to get it, but perhaps that's why it seems like so many people seem to find as many reasons to smile and laugh as possible.
Now I'm 0000
I dunno. Some people claim that the mere act of smiling can bring you out of a funk, and I actually tried that on Friday as an experiment. But it ended up looking (and feeling) like a bad facelift.
You have to try not to smile? Jesus — that's my natural state. I'm not sure I could spin it as a deadpan expression, either. Just dead.I sometimes just try to see how long I can go without smiling and laughing, and I've got to admit that it does feel like something is missing after a while.
But this is another one of those things that the drugs can switch on and off for me. (You've got knack for hitting my particular nails on the head.) Some of them make smiling and laughter almost effortless — maybe even to the point that it would take an effort not to — but with others I just never have the desire and/or energy. That makes me think that their absence is more effect than cause, but maybe it varies from person to person.
Anyone else here find they can change moods just by trying hard enough? Or have Kris and I sucked all the air out of this thread…?
Down, but not out.
Oh, I don't try not to, it's just that it isn't always necessary or possible. (Sorry about that, as it was a poor choice of worlds. It's more like, I've seen how far I can go without smiling and laughing.) And yeah, I have a feeling we could've sucked the air out of this thread too, but I've got to admit that venting like this sometimes does help, provided I don't say something so stupid and over-the-top that it starts a fight. And well, thanks to those that have listened, and have given relatable stores and supportive advice.
It's still appreciated, but I also suppose it's about time I give it a rest here too, and just try to figure out some of this shit on my own.
Last edited by Halo Infinity; 11-03-2013 at 04:52 PM.
Active Member
When I get in a funk I just go out and about. I'm easily amused so I tend to find all manner of things funny. I think because I laugh easy and fairly often is one of the reasons I get by for sure. Granted it sometimes has its base in cynicism but whatever. And yes if I catch myself in time a good laugh can turn things around if even just for a bit.
Down, but not out.
I think I'm finally burnt out on this topic as of now. I've already let icklekitty know about it, but also thought I'd post it one more time in this this thread for all to see. I'm sure I was able to carry on with it for so long because I've been bottling up most of these issues for 10-15+ years, and haven't been opening up about it as of late, and have used ETS to vent, hopefully with in reason and decency. I'm just thankful that there were understanding people here, and I've always appreciated whatever advice came my way. I really appreciate it. But yeah, it has certainly boosted up my post count, which definitely exceeded my expectations. I thought hitting 1,000+ posts would've taken a bit longer.
But yes, it certainly feels better to have let some of this go and talk about it. Whatever help you've given me was and still is appreciated. Thank you.
-And yeah, some of this stuff, as already mentioned in a way, goes back to my childhood.-
Last edited by Halo Infinity; 11-05-2013 at 08:17 AM.
Now I'm 0000
My head is floating like a bobble-head at a marijuana legalization rally, but 1.5mg of Klonopin can really restore my composure and sense of humor.
Talking to a client who thinks we filled out her property tax forms wrong is one thing; a client who doesn't actually know what a properly filled form looks like is another; but it's the client with a default bad attitude that lead to me throwing things across the office and banging my desk till stuff bounces off it.
I got all three in one phone call.
Eeeeha, eeeeha, eeeeha…
Active Member
Having a miserable week,combination of reducing Paroxetine dosage,PMT and not liking my job. My anxiety is definitely increasing mostly worrying about my parents - both in mid to late seventies and not in great health ( I live with my Dad my sister lives with my mum in the Caribbean).
I also exercise to help my mood as well as keep fit,esp as I work night shifts.
![[parasite]'s Avatar](/community/vessel/squares/avatar2902_8.gif){kind=avatar}
i used to be someone else
today, my caseworker and i were talking about possible sectioning,
Now I'm 0000
My parents and the people at work have been more patient and understanding than I ever could have hoped for … that's 46 years for my parents and 12 for my employer.
I would have tried to meet them halfway anyway, but it helps a lot.
Down, but not out.
I'm finally starting to realize why people seem to intentionally make an attempt to forget the bad things people say and do to them, or would at least hope to forget about things. It's also no wonder why people tell me that remembering all the bad things people say and do isn't supportive or healthy. I actually thought that a positive benefit was that it would protect me, but I realized that it usually made me dwell on negative and destructive thoughts and emotions.
Perhaps what people are trying to tell me that I can learn from my mistakes in regards to opening and up and trusting people without remembering all the wrongdoings because all that would only return me into a state of fear, confusion, and anger. This is perhaps another thing I've learned very late in life as I've only realized this less than one hour ago.
Last edited by Halo Infinity; 11-09-2013 at 11:43 AM.
Down, but not out.
All of this posting from me in this thread is reminding me to take my own advice in the Note to Self thread. Whenever I read some of my posts in a negative mindset, I can't even believe that I said any of those things. Hindsight is very unforgiving. I'm just reminded more and more that I really should be striving for foresight, and like most or even all things worthwhile, it's going to be challenging. With that being said, I really should only post when I'm fine and happy. This thought just occurred to me recently and this seemed like the only right place to post it here.
Last edited by Halo Infinity; 11-11-2013 at 09:23 PM.
Active Member
I feel you. I have been more actively trying to both accept and work with my moods and take them as they come. How I am is how I am and not dwell on it. If I'm whatever, it is what it is. It helps that I realize shit passes. No meds, but still just taking it as it comes helps. If my head is what it is I just try and persevere and remember it's just me and not some bullshit I think up. Day by day I guess.
Keep at it I guess Iz what I'm saying.
That said, fuck....
Down, but not out.
I think for what it's worth, it's actually working. I'm not pretending that my mental problems don't exist through denial, but focusing on other things that make me happy and secure, along with the things I can change and do something about can sometimes work wonders. I sometimes forgot how something so simplistic can have such a positively profound effect on my happiness, contentment, and security even if it's not always the best thing forever and ever. I've figured this is what helps people gain foresight because it actually helps remind you to focus on moving on and bettering yourself.
desperately chilled
has anyone tried one of those vitamin d/sun lamps? i've been working in a basement since last spring, and between this, my usual depression, and my sick cat, i'm not sure how i'm going to handle this winter. does anyone have any experience with one of these? does it work?
Now I'm 0000
Always been curious about that. Seasonal depression has been a big issue for at least 25 years, and I think that's what finally pushed me over the edge. (Imagine coming home to New England after a week in Hawaii … in December.)
desperately chilled
yeah i always have seasonal issues, and while i do like winter/grey days for the most part, i feel like the circumstances now are heading towards a pretty bleak winter. the basement aspect of things is especially concerning, since there's no window/phone reception/any contact whatsoever with the outside world. it snowed for the first time this season, and it's been a very, very rough day here at work. if this is just the start, i'm dreading how bad it'll get in say, february.
so, with that in mind, i just did some research online and ordered this:
http://www.amazon.com/Lightphoria-00...+Disorder+lamp
should be here thursday. i'll let you know if it's any good...
Last edited by frankie teardrop; 11-12-2013 at 03:21 PM.
Now I'm 0000
Wow — that's waaaay smaller (and more reasonably priced) than the ones I've seen. I guess we can thank LEDs for that too.
I have my office outfitted with 6500K lights, but that was an aesthetic decision. I don't know if they put out enough light to make a difference for SAD, and some people are saying that the amount of light matters more than the color.
But I am giving more thought to the psychological aspect of lighting. For a while I was making a conscious effort to put aside my back-lit iPad and MacBook in favor of my Kindle at night, but I'm fallen out of the habit again. I was never sure if it was the lighting or the reading material that was helping me fall asleep.
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