Sober - However you got there, whatever keeps you here.

[Siah13]

Hi @Jessiahbell

SO, I got a new big book and called intergroup. The closest meeting is 45 miles from where I live, once a week. So, I'm 2 days sober, and tomorrow I'm off to AA, for AA Round 2: Middle Age Boogaloo.

This! <3 Something one of my most precious mentors/sponsors said to me at one point - "Get over yourself and get out of the way. It's not about how perfect you can sell yourself as and there's no finish line you're running to... No placements... Just stay alive and stay hungry for it. Never quit." For some reason that concept - staying hungry for it - is a constant theme in my head that stuck hardcore and resonated perfectly - still does. Sadly he passed away some 15 or so years ago, but his words and his heart will always be a core part of who I am. I feel lucky to have happened to get a job working for him when I was 16 - he was an amazing man who owned an ice cream shop I was hired at and he offered his shop's deck for NA and AA meetings multiple times a day...

Anyways, stay hungry, never quit. LOL. (sorry I never log on so I sometimes take months to reply LOL) How's it now??

[elevenism]

This! <3 Something one of my most precious mentors/sponsors said to me at one point - "Get over yourself and get out of the way. It's not about how perfect you can sell yourself as and there's no finish line you're running to... No placements... Just stay alive and stay hungry for it. Never quit." For some reason that concept - staying hungry for it - is a constant theme in my head that stuck hardcore and resonated perfectly - still does. Sadly he passed away some 15 or so years ago, but his words and his heart will always be a core part of who I am. I feel lucky to have happened to get a job working for him when I was 16 - he was an amazing man who owned an ice cream shop I was hired at and he offered his shop's deck for NA and AA meetings multiple times a day...

Anyways, stay hungry, never quit. LOL. (sorry I never log on so I sometimes take months to reply LOL) How's it now??

Sigh. You know, we got the NEW puppy, and SHE died, and I slipped...on fucking white claw ��

That stuff is the devil. It's actually thirst quenching, and it's likely to be the drink of choice for a couple million future AA members. It's literally fucking mango flavored sparkling water, and if you turn your head, I can sneak 2 24 ounce cans.

Luckily I didn't slide too far, though. I'm sober again.

This showed me that I'm not prepared to deal with life on life's terms.

I'm glad you're taking care of your liver, and it's AMAZING that you didn't eat the opiates.

My best friend's wife, who is also one of my old friends, died quite recently from a combination of liver trouble and alcohol, and, that was a hell of a wake up call.

[Siah13]

Sigh. You know, we got the NEW puppy, and SHE died, and I slipped...on fucking white claw 😂

That stuff is the devil. It's actually thirst quenching, and it's likely to be the drink of choice for a couple million future AA members. It's literally fucking mango flavored sparkling water, and if you turn your head, I can sneak 2 24 ounce cans.

Luckily I didn't slide too far, though. I'm sober again.

This showed me that I'm not prepared to deal with life on life's terms.

I'm glad you're taking care of your liver, and it's AMAZING that you didn't eat the opiates.

My best friend's wife, who is also one of my old friends, died quite recently from a combination of liver trouble and alcohol, and, that was a hell of a wake up call.

While it’s been months, I sure am sorry to hear about the new puppy - that’s fucking horrible! Jeez! White Claws and associated drinks that are booze but taste like bubble water are an insane phenomenon right
now, and probably from here on out... It’s unnerving sometimes to me because I see it - see the patterns and behaviors... consumption... it can be alarming. Sometimes it feels like I’m watching video of my past but through weird filters that makes it look different... I’m glad you were able to stop the slide out before it became a big issue - I hope that this finds you still standing - or at least sitting comfortably... Thanks for the words of encouragement... my liver kicking out on me really has caught me off guard. It’s like this weird concept to me that something inside me can just call it quits and I really get no say. Like, WTAF is that?! How on Earth... I sometimes ponder it and find myself really examining my past choices and indulgences and it becomes like this obsessive thing - what did it, how did I, when exactly, how did I not recognize.... 😂 As if it is even really relevant. But, I bet it was the carburetor fluid or the many other fucking toxic fumes I started huffing when I was 13. #headstart #earlybloomer 😂

[thelastdisciple]

You got this man @elevenism

I believe in you!

[elevenism]

You got this man @elevenism

I believe in you!

man, I think I got it. I'm through the physical part, and I'm not like, NEEDING a drink, thank god. But, I WILL need help, hence the return to the spiritual program and meetings. I'm looking to stop this thing WAY before I get like I was in my 20s, which was damn near a 7 year suicide attempt.

[the duder]

@elevenism - shoot man. Good on you for getting right back to step 1. You've done this work before, and you can do it again. The closest meeting being 45 minutes away is no joke, but it's 100% worth investing that time to make sure you're bringing the best you to your family.

[Siah13]

My liver has been good to me. I had to have surgery a week ago (Actually just diagnosed with papillary thyroid microcarcinoma - awesome, good times, good times LOL) - My surgery was mostly uneventful - although the intubation was apparently horrible and I'm surprised I can speak again. LOL. While I only took three doses of the pain meds post surgery, I have the bottle sitting on a shelf and I keep reasoning on how I don't need to turn them in. It's a surreal moment when you catch yourself making excuses and explanations TO YOURSELF IN YOUR OWN HEAD - Sometimes I almost thank God for gifting me an angry liver because I can't lie at this point and act like something bad mayyyy not happen. LOL. In the hospital after the first day of recovery they ran a blood test and I called it out - I told my Nurse that while my liver enzymes were actually within normal and healthy on checking in, that following the doses of anesthesia/fentanyl/pain meds that my liver would get angry - the good news was that the enzyme elevations still had me falling into a high BUT normal range! So I *think* that's a good sign...?! Anyways, the surgeon sent me home with a bottle of pain meds and what's funny is they're still sitting there - and despite the complications and ensuing extra pain from the complications, I prefer the pain. It wasn't always the preference but it's almost comforting. Like running a marathon. Or climbing a mountain...

Anyways, so I dunno what happens next - still sitting, waiting for wildfire debris cleanup - FEMA keeps showing up in suits to take notes and spray paint the remnants of our home but nothing has moved in 7 months post burn... The rust and charred remains are being overtaken by wildflowers and grasses... As I sit wondering what a microcarcinoma really means and where it really was and if it's really gone and if it will really stay gone.... How do you know? How do we know, how do we know ANYTHING? Lol... All I can do is take each day as it falls and remember to love myself and be kind to myself and others... Hope all reading this are well....

[shade]

Wishing you a speedy recovery!
I can see why you choose the pain over the meds. It's all chemistry within your head - just like pushing through the marathon, even though it means pain, and being rewarded at the finish line. Being rewarded not having "poisoned" your body for another day.
Especially since your liver is already fucked and they probably give you meds that go mostly through kidneys now, no need to fuck those up too. Keep going and live like you said, day by day, taking care of yourself.
As for the thyroid cancer, those carcinomas are becoming more and more frequent. Be glad they caught it. Not something they usually catch early on unless really looking into it.

[Siah13]

Wishing you a speedy recovery!
I can see why you choose the pain over the meds. It's all chemistry within your head - just like pushing through the marathon, even though it means pain, and being rewarded at the finish line. Being rewarded not having "poisoned" your body for another day.
Especially since your liver is already fucked and they probably give you meds that go mostly through kidneys now, no need to fuck those up too. Keep going and live like you said, day by day, taking care of yourself.
As for the thyroid cancer, those carcinomas are becoming more and more frequent. Be glad they caught it. Not something they usually catch early on unless really looking into it.

Thanks for this. It’s been some months but it gives me an odd yet welcome sense of peace logging in and reading this.... And yes, I’m very glad indeed.

[Siah13]

They came and cleared the debris. Unreal, really... Totally unreal... to watch all of your possessions be reduced to a few dump loads and some condensed smashed metal is crazy. I’m really grateful for the Still album - it’s really become pretty much the soundtrack to my life these days... it was fitting to have Leaving Hope playing in my earbuds while I watched in awe as their big machines made everything blank and clear. Sort of like a clean slate but with scars and ash.... Still pretty epic to experience...

About a month before they came my Father passed away... They were close by and my Mom called me yelling for me... I ran over and he was sitting down sweating and breathing erratic... slurred words... he insisted I take his shirt off.. It was pretty surreal to watch him take his last gasps of air... I just told him it was okay to go. What else do you say really..? My poor Mom was trying to give him CPR, shaking him trying to keep him there but I just knew...

I drank a brandy and eggnog a few weeks ago and it reminded me how much I love and enjoy the burning sensation of liquor in my throat. Honestly, I’ve just been having a hard time with cravings and just wanting to get high. I’m not - but it’s amazing how it hides and lies in wait... waiting for a moment of vulnerability to appear... It makes me feel ugly and makes me want to hide in a closet. It’s sick. Years go by and somehow it’s still alive and it never dies and never truly leaves. I know that but every time it surprises me. Maybe because I let it? Maybe because I want it to? I want to get high. I want to taste it, I want to slip into that place so familiar, so comforting... When I was 13 I began huffing - I’d soak towels, put them in paper lunch bags and just breathe it in until I’d fall over, usually sliding down a wall or cabinet of a room that I’d snuck into during lunch or recess... Looking back I truly don’t understand how no one knew what I was doing... I mean, I must’ve smelled like a mechanic or a toxic fume dump - I sure know I tasted like one.... For some reason those early memories - well what I managed to hold onto - have been popping up into my head a lot lately. I miss the chemical taste in my throat. I miss my thoughts swirling and my mind unable to focus. Despite my future drug usage, inhalants have always held a special place in my heart...

Well, I’m still here. Parts of me still stuck frozen as that youth spilling whatever toxic fluid I could find on the floor as I passed out. Just a mess, really.... still a fucking addict. Sometimes I feel like I’m the dirtiest clean person I know... clean on the outside but so dirty and sick inside. Sometimes the program helps. Sometimes the program makes me feel dirtier and more alone than before. I’ve been avoiding it because I want to find somewhere I feel I belong but it never happens. I even feel like I don’t belong with my own family, my own partner.... Am I just fucking insane? I must be because I log onto this forum and post in here as if it matters or means something but it really doesn’t, does it? It’s a futile effort to reach out but I know deep down inside that this is when I’m supposed to pick up the phone and call my sponsor, call a friend, go to a meeting... My kids have kept me busy for quite a while but I really need to stop hiding and avoiding myself and my program before I destroy it all.

maybe if I leave this post here as ugly and stupid as it is, it’ll serve as a fucking reminder and will hold me accountable next time I log on here and read this again...

[elevenism]

@Jessiahbell I can relate to a LOT of what you're saying, here: especially the "euphoric recall."

That's why I love Please so damn much; it's like the story of my life. "This is how it begins/push it away but it all comes back again...there was a time when it used to mean just about everything... just like now." And suddenly I'm back in it.

Idk, I'm bipolar - I think I AM insane, ("the manic depressive type-perhaps the least understood by his friends," if you know yer book.)

I've lost SO MANY goddamn friends to this shit now that I'm 41, and at this point, I take suboxone. I REALLY don't care if people don't consider that all the way "sober."
I'm 41 and have been drunk and high since I was 14, and I'M trying to stay alive in this motherfucker, you know? And I do NOT plan to get off of it this time. I'm too vulnerable. It reminds me of another song lyric from Little Wayne of all people that's so goddamn insightful "follow me I'll lead you straight to the needle/the bottles the battles the beetles will eat you."

Also, I live in a place where the nearest meeting is a 70 mile round trip, but EVEN if I WAS going all the time again, I'd STILL take that bupe, as by now, I've got a PRETTY fucking good idea of the shit that happens when I wind up in that place.

I ruin relationships, I get locked up, I OD, etc.

Idk if meds are an option for you, but good lord I've found that Med Assisted Treatment HELPS, with ALL of it, for me. I mean, I damn sure wouldn't suggest it if you can get by without it, though. But for me, it's better than the alternative.

[Siah13]

@elevenism I typed out replies two times but my phone ate them... Go figure. LOL.

Through the years NIN/TR have consistently remained the soundtrack of my life. My devotion and admiration/appreciation for TR and his musical expression is infinite. So many memories and moments in my life that it's impossible to elaborate or account for them because it's simply ever-present. It's like having an intimate relationship with an entire group of individuals that have no idea you exist or the impact they really have made and continuously make in your life. I can't recall how many times I felt utterly alone and beyond destroyed by the world and what I was dealing with - the trauma of years of continuous abuse - my entire childhood was so full of suffering and fear that when I discovered NIN it was like someone in the universe was able to express everything that I had been programmed to shove deep down and hide... The ugly, brutal truths... So many years of silent suffering and self-destruction and TR/NIN have consistently laid it all out when I couldn't - or wouldn't. The fact that through the years the evolution of TR/NIN in his/their own life/lives and the musical evolution of the band and their musical offerings still resonate so strongly is incredible, really.

If you have something and a way that helps keep you good then no judgement at all. I don't dig when others get super judgey and weird about shit like that, not my deal at all. I don't think everything is always straight line because there are times when people really would just fucking die without it...

I've tended to bounce in and out of regular meetings historically - some times due to distance such as you describe - often times I feel disconnected and like I'm in the wrong place... And not in some sort of self-sabotaging way or in a holier-than-thou way as some past friends in recovery have taken it - my life experiences were so extreme regarding the abuse I went through that it becomes so overwhelming expressing it. Not the actual me expressing it or talking about it - the reality that most if not all faces in the room connecting with me can do everything they can to be there and be supportive but ultimately not a damn one knows exactly how it feels to suffer at the hands of a loved one so mercilessly as a young child - CSA (childhood sexual abuse) is a real monster that invades your life in ways that I can't begin to describe and that only someone who's really lived through it could possibly understand... Or at least that's how it feels to me. I had a therapist once recommend I attend a Sexual Assault support group and I experienced the same sort of disconnected feeling there as well. It was like these people almost understood but most were expressing stories of singular incidents or short-term repetitive things and the abuse I endured lasted for 12 years so I felt so abnormal and disconnected. I sat in a room of women who cried about being terrified of taking a bus or being proud of grocery shopping once that week - I felt horrible for them but I also felt alien and unable to connect. The judgement those there had towards me was apparent, even to the friend that accompanied me. It was like I should've been more broken, less expressive... I don't know...

I really like the 12 step format in general so I've been trying to locate SIA (Survivors of Incest) meetings that are 12 step based because I truly feel that's where I would thrive but they're super rare and not very common... I delve into AA/NA meetings and identify with portions, usually it gives me some sort of semi-connected feeling but it has always left me feeling more alienated and alone eventually. Almost like it treats the symptoms but it doesn't get to the core. I've worked the steps and do it to my best every time but I always end up craving companionship and connection with others who have experienced what I have, which probably sounds so silly... But I keep searching. Maybe both would compliment each other well - who fucking knows at this point LOL. I did find and joined a group recently that shows promise and is pretty neat - it's a format that allows survivors of abuse to connect and express themselves, hosts meetings, etc so that's neat... Ultimately it's more of the need to really devote time for myself which is something I am horrific at - in fact just taking time to type this has been so difficult - what with life - taking ten or so minutes to sit and concentrate is so rare for me these days...

Now that I fucking typed a novel. Lol.

/end spew

[elevenism]

I'm REALLY glad you've found the new fellowship you mentioned @Jessiahbell . Yeah, that's a whole different godawful ballpark. Before I was married, I was common law married to a survivor of long term csa. I read a lot of books on the subject and tried my best to help her as much as I could. She was on disability: I worked, and she went to like, EVERY appropriate community provided counseling service she could find in Dallas, just to attempt to feel better: I'm talking like, she was at some type of counseling or group 4 days a week at least. She was SO, idk, haunted. She didn't even feel comfortable taking care of her own kids at that time. And what's fucking worse is that her kids were living with HER father, the same father that turned a blind eye to what she caught from her uncle, and, surprise, the 17 year old boy was doing unspeakable things to his 12 year old sister. He caught two felonies, and they blamed HER (the child,) just like they blamed my ex for "making it so uncle Leroy can't come over anymore."
I swear to GOD, that dude better hope he never, ever runs into me. I was especially close to the young girl, and the dude was an arrogant prick, and yeah...he'd be like 27, now.
ANYWAY, the point being that I know a little something about the trauma that sort of thing leads to- the hardcore PTSD/panic type of stuff, and I'm REALLY sorry that happened to you. And, yeah, a traditional, rigid 12 step model would NOT be the full answer in this case, as it would suggest that the VICTIM "set the ball rolling," and she would be expected to make amends to the fucking ABUSER.

Hats off to you for being sober in the face of all that.

[Siah13]

@elevenism How heartbreaking to go through all of that and then have that happen to your kid(s)... damn. We have limited and brief contact with my Brother sporadically as he lives in the area and my family basically pretends what happened never happened - always have and always will - so I’m super beyond guarded with my kids anywhere near him for very fucking obvious and understandable reasons. I dream of the day that I’m able to cut the family ties and walk away free from them but even though my Mother is horrible to me and completely covers him, he ignores her mostly and as she’s disabled and severely handicapped I can’t bear the thought of leaving her alone here knowing she’ll end up suffering and dying in more pain and sufferage. So basically I allow my Mom to have her generic Grandma relationship with my kids which serves them all well psychologically, I allow my kids the guise of a nice and caring but busy Uncle/Aunt/cousin (my nephew) and ponder what the fuck I’m supposed to do when eventually my Mom dies, my Brother and I come to heads about the estate and my kids eventually at some point will probably inevitably discover the truth about their Uncle. My partner thinks I’m insane for not railing on my Brother constantly but truth be told I feel the need to shield my new phew from the reality of his Father’s fucked up past... it’s basically a fucking mess. Lol. But I know I’m safe and my kids are safe so that’s really all I care about at this point...

As for being sober, yeah, there was a long time where I just really didn’t GAF and just wanted to destroy myself via any method - drugs, booze, suicide, violent men... As I’ve looked into my past in retrospect I can see how it all relates and all boils down to me recreating the emotional torture however and how often I could. The more pain the better. I had pretty heavy kinks for a while but something happened when I had kids and I’m like a total square vanilla marshmallow these days 🤷♀️ Because of my liver and having kids, it truthfully makes the thought of unhinging and drinking the amount of booze I dream of a dream but one that I know I can never fulfill. I suppose having my liver give out is more of a blessing than a curse
in the end. Some people still continue to drink or use and they die but I’ve got these beautiful, amazing creatures that depend on me... that I can’t disappoint for mere intoxication or self-destruction. I suppose becoming a Mother truly changed my world as well... Add NIN in the mix and it’s been enough thus far to keep me “semi” sane and functioning... I think? Haha.

One thing I am seeing is that in retrospect I think my substance abuse being so extreme at least partially stems from a deep desire to recreate trauma and trauma responses... Like, I wanted to die and suffer so badly - I wanted utter annihilation of my existence and when I couldn’t pull that off it’s like I went on a mission in every manner possible to hurt myself repeatedly with reckless abandon. I don’t feel that destructive urge often these days honestly. I do definitely relate to other members in the AA/NA setting as far as certain characteristics but again, it’s so muddled with other stuff that I’m hoping the alternative with it’s slightly altered program that’s specifically tailored to CSA/SIA will find me working more through the root
of what’s going on/what happened vs how I’m trying to kill it... 🤷♀️ We will see I suppose!

[Siah13]

I spoke with a good friend that I hadn’t spoken to recently and it was so good to reconnect and hear what’s been going on with him. It reminded me how special those first connections made in recovery were and are to me and how much I don’t ever want to lose those friendships. It’s amazing that years ago we were crazy kids and now we have families and it’s amazing to look back at how far we’ve both come. When I first met him he was living in an SLE, just a year sober and I was drunk dialing him every couple weeks, struggling to even begin to comprehend what I was. I’ll never forget the patience, kindness, hardlines and encouragement he and that first home group I went to gave me. Having a solid recovery network with people I can trust and that just “get” it automatically is fucking rad. Just wanted to throw that out there...

[botley]

Jinsai, I read your original post (mostly gone now), and thought I should tell you that there's no shame in seeking help. You must know there are plenty of groups around who can help you manage this. Of course doing it alone it seems impossible, because it kind of is, and you need a support network specificially geared towards recovery. When the time comes you'll seek that out and hopefully find it.

Why do I feel the need to post this when you're clearly not yet 100% comfortable talking about this openly? Because we've had our problems in the past (all over the old board, certainly), and I want you to know that I'm generally not a disagreeable person, I just was overreacting, and none of that shit we bickered about matters in the grand scheme of things. You're a talented guy and I think you deserve a good life as much as anyone.

I hope you find some peace and solace.

[the duder]

So I'm going to try the sobriety thing again. I was doing well for a while there, but I slipped up. It just feels like reality gets incredibly boring every now and again, and when it does it gets really tough for me to stay sober.

This. Exactly. Arranging in frequency of occurrence from most frequent to least (if ever anymore) frequent:
- There are days I don't drink at all.
- There are times I have 2-3 in the evening after school/work.
- There are times I have 6 after school/work.
- There are times I go out with friends at 8:00 with no plans and end up gong-show drunk trying to figure out a way home from wherever it is I am at.

So much of it has to do with "boredom" for me or just a lack of something to do. It doesn't effect my studies (3.89 last semester) in grad school + "20" (read as 20 on paper, 35 - 40 in reality) hours coaching per week. Because of my work, I've got to be up early - about 5:15 every day - except for Wednesdays and Saturdays. That being said, I don't go out often, though I drink often, but not so much as to "need" it or whatever. I dunno. So much of it is me feeling like I'm on a slippery slope that I feel sobriety is the only answer.

[allegro]

Jinsai:
Well, ya know, alcohol is a depressant. It also causes anxiety. For the first few days, you're gonna feel like crap because your mind and body are trying to get you to drink. Tell both to shut the fuck up. Seriously. Out loud. Regularly. You can reprogram yourself but it takes a lot of regular work. This is called behavior modification. Reprogramming cause-and-effect.

Like we've said, though: quitting is easy. Learning how to live sober is the hard part. You WILL eventually get to the point where The Duder is at: where you feel so great every day, you have zero desire to go back to feeling like shit.

Understand: Alcohol is POISON to your liver. I had a good friend die a nasty death from liver disease at a fairly young age. Booze also ages you. And contributes to heart disease. Alcohol abuse is probably WORSE than smoking as far as causing deaths, especially when you consider all those DUIs.

But if you're feeling despair because you're not numb from booze, now we're talking booze as a means of avoiding something bigger than alcohol. That's gotta be fixed, too. Get some counseling? Behavior modification or integrative medicine kind of counseling.

[botley]

anyone have any advice to give someone who feels complete despair when they try to cut alcohol/etc out of their life?

Not saying it's guaranteed to work for you, but I've heard many positive stories from people who attend AA meetings as a regular part of their recovery. Being able to share and empathize with others in the same boat is a powerful tool.

[the duder]

So the past few months I've noticed that my drinking has lead to me doing increasingly stupid things while I'm drunk. Thankfully none of them have caused any problems yet. It hasn't been affecting my work, my social life or anything else. If anything, it's lead to me being more social and having more fun. But I've done some things that could have ended badly & were rather stupid (I'd rather not go into details).

I'm just wondering from those who are sober because of having a problem with drinking, what led to you recognising that and deciding to go sober? We all do stupid things when drunk, but where's that line for you that when you crossed you realised "I have a problem with drinking, I shouldn't do it at all."

There's such a culture around drinking while at Uni in Australia, and I do enjoy it quite a lot, so I'd rather drink than not. But I have this horrible feeling that one day I'll do something stupid and I'll end up ruining my life or others. I just dunno if that's reason enough to stop drinking at all, or if it's just something that I need to keep in mind when I go drinking so that I keep myself in check.

This was me around 2006/2007. I was still in university and in my 5th year of classes (due to changing my major after my sophomore year). During my first four years of university - as a student athlete - we had strict, self imposed guidelines about partying during season. During the "dry season", we did not drink or go out and party. Since, in my 5th year, I didn't have to be accountable to our team and adhere to our "dry season" guidelines - I found myself getting hammered more frequently and doing more and more stupid shit. I really enjoyed drinking, but thought the exact same thing: "this might be getting out of hand." Friends would say "No WAY! You're FUN when you're wasted!" - and who doesn't want to be "FUN"? I sure as fuck do!

Fast forward to 2012 and my 2nd DUI, it hit me that I had a problem and it was out of hand. I was by no means a "down and out drunk" with no job or future, but I sure as fuck was - and still AM - and alcoholic. A lot of other things that clued me in to that fact, other than the arrests. One was that, I found that I typically drank more than my friends. I would often come home from the bar and have a few more beers - by myself. When I lived in Sweden, I hid whiskey bottles in behind other stuff above my fridge so friends who came over wouldn't think I was an alcoholic. I had a pantry filled with bags loaded up with empty beer bottles/cans because I didn't want to take them to the recycling center because, you guessed it, I didn't want people to think I was an alcoholic. I would get anxious as soon as I got home and would have to crack a beer before even letting my dog out. I would put beer into an old McDonald's cup so I could have my second beer while walking my dog around our neighborhood - just to relax.

Anyway, like I said, I totally identified with a lot of stuff you said. Drinking or not drinking is your choice, but if you are afraid of the consequences of what you do when you drink, then you probably aren't a "normal" drinker.

[eversonpoe]

Quitting drinking is easy

apparently so is being an asshole ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ gtfo of here with that attitude

[GibbonBlack]

Quitting drinking is easy

Also, we make it look good