The Relationship Thread

[Your Name Here]

*ahem*

In all seriousness...I'm officially back to square one. And back to my usual ratio - messages sent nearly a dozen different people, and replies from fewer than...well...one.

Dear everyone in a happy and healthy relationship: fuck you.

Just kidding. Sort of.

That made me laugh, I personally am started to believe a happy healthy relationship is a myth a fairy tale, like unicorns, Santa Clause and God. It's just another carrot they dangle in front of the heard. As we inch our way to the slaughter house in our mundane existence working our routine jobs in hopes of a better life that never comes. They dangle the dream of a happy healthy relationship in our face hoping that we clench on to the lie.

I think what you can hope for is finding somebody who can tolerate your bullshit and you can tolerate theirs. Striving to find a copacetic situation where you learn to ignore and co exist with each other in a benign routine of solitude and gentle unhappiness all the while striving to not commit a murder suicide. Even though you wish your suitor would snap and kill you in your sleep.

I haven't had my coffee yet.

[sentient02970]

After months of waiting on my ex to pull together an agreement and filing with her lawyer I've giving up on that and submitted papers to file for divorce. Feels good to finally get this long overdue ball rolling.

[The_Prowler]

To anyone who has ever said that musicians always attract more women and can date anyone they want because they're in a band, I have prepared the following statement:



I must politely and respectfully disagree.











Whoa, sorry I lost my temper like that. I'll try not to let it happen again

[Dra508]

After months of waiting on my ex to pull together an agreement and filing with her lawyer I've giving up on that and submitted papers to file for divorce. Feels good to finally get this long overdue ball rolling.

Dang, I thought you were done, not at the starting gate. Good luck.

I'm officially off the hook mid March. Next chapter here I come.

[Ryan]

It's my girlfriend's birthday today (20th) and our anniversary next week (25th). We're expecting a baby in August.

Been together a year and couldn't be happier!

[Halo Infinity]

wow, I fucked up HARD.
Today I got together with a girl I was on the fence about a while ago. She was into me, but I was still reeling from a relationship/girl I couldn't
let go of.
Well, having been over that for a while now and after seeing her again, I have to say.. I am a fucking idiot. This girl was so good and now she
has a boyfriend..
poop.

I sort of went through the same thing. (However, there were other factors and different interests/beliefs that most likely made it better for us to not get involved on that level.) Perhaps that's also why some people will tell you to just go for it and take the risk as it's the only way to even find out if it was meant to be.

As for what I've originally came to say in this thread as of now. Aside from the bad experiences being mentioned here, I find this thread to be very uplifting and moving. It really does help me cheer up, and actually helps me want to better myself, as it is important to better yourself and love yourself before even thinking about loving somebody else. I also pine for love, and it really is one of the things I really live for, and this thread was one of those things that helps me dust myself off and get back on the horse again.

If it wasn't for my lonely, confused, and broken heart, I probably wouldn't have even posted half the stuff I posted in both The Mental Health thread and the Fuck Me! thread. It even triggers my self-loathing. I also see that this is obviously common sense, but emotions can be incredibly powerful and deceptive. And yes, like most things, it's easier said than done. I also suppose it's why it's a no-brainer when relationships are obviously far more prone to go real bad and/or die when either party, or both parties isn't okay with themselves, aside from not being okay with the other party.

And well, to those with successful relationships and marriages, all the best to you, and I really do find your experiences inspiring and uplifting, especially when I lurk to read about them. I've been single for a long time coming, but I still refuse to give up.

And well, I thought that the following users would've loved to read this.

@Joy Prevention Hotline @Charmingly Miserable @sentient02970

@henryeatscereal - Well, you seem to like a lot of my posts which is cool and all, but I think you're in a successful relationship too, right?

[Halo Infinity]

*ahem*

In all seriousness...I'm officially back to square one. And back to my usual ratio - messages sent nearly a dozen different people, and replies from fewer than...well...one.

Dear everyone in a happy and healthy relationship: fuck you.

Just kidding. Sort of.

I can't deny that I've also had my share of jealousy. It's also even worse when the person you want so bad is taken. Sure, I lived, but at the exact moment it happened, damn did that shit suck.

[Halo Infinity]

I think what you can hope for is finding somebody who can tolerate your bullshit and you can tolerate theirs.

Oh yes, that sounds just about right, and good enough for me. Acceptance would be one hell of a bonus in that regard though.

[sentient02970]

You have the right attitude on it @Kris . You keep that up and you are bound to find one to share with who deserves you and is willing to let you be you.

[henryeatscereal]

And well, to those with successful relationships and marriages, all the best to you, and I really do find your experiences inspiring and uplifting, especially when I lurk to read about them. I've been single for a long time coming, but I still refuse to give up.

And well, I thought that the following users would've loved to read this.

@Joy Prevention Hotline @Charmingly Miserable @sentient02970

@henryeatscereal - Well, you seem to like a lot of my posts which is cool and all, but I think you're in a successful relationship too, right?

I'm always trying my best, i'm happy to say i been in a 2 and a half year relationship and i'm very happy but it's not easy... one thing i have learned over the years is that you have to fight for what you want and try to be more open and less proud.
My GF is also my best friend and i think that's why it works so well, we like each other romantically but we also try to support each other and we're always having a great time together, i think that's why the relationship has worked so well...

I wish you all the luck on finding "the one", i know you're a cool and nice guy and there's someone for you, you sometimes have to wait a little bit (it happened to me too...), my advice to you would be: enjoy being single; it does have many advantages and you can have lots of fun too... and when you are with someone enjoy it also!, basically: either if you are alone or as a couple, learn to love yourself and enjoy what you have!

[Charmingly Miserable]

@Kris I want to hug the shit out of you.

So, to catch up on what's going on with me: I'm over the guy that I have mentioned on this thread. We are still friends but I don't talk to him as much. I kinda moved on. I met this guy who lives about an hour away from me. We bonded over our love for NIN. At first, he wanted us to be a FWB kind of thing. We've been hanging out with each other every weekend for about a month or so. Even though he first stated that he wanted a FWB kind of thing, I have feelings for him. I feel that we act like a "couple." How do you define FWB? I would love to know what he feels about me now after we've known each other for a couple of months now, but I'm kinda scared how to approach him.

[AgentofChaos]

^ It's simple. You don't. It needs to come from him, it has to be his idea. He provided terms at the start of the relationship, and any attempt on your end to change them this early on is likely just going to scare him off. Good news is it's fairly simple enough to get him flipped around on the subject. Spend enough time with him, rock his world sexually, do whatever else turns his crank, and then bam you are nicely positioned to have two easy options to upgrade the relationship. A) start to drift away once you've got him hooked. He'll clue in to what he might be losing and make the call on his own. And if it doesn't go as planned and he doesn't appear desperate to keep you, well you got the same result as approaching it yourself except no messyness, no emotional exposure on your end, plus the possibility to re-pick back up later on if desired. This only requires discipline to execute. The 2nd, slightly more devious option is you introduce a new guy into your life (real or possibly otherwise) who is taking you seriously and that forces the issue. You can say you've made a connection with someone else, but you feel like there might be something there and you just wanted to be sure before you moved on. This will allow him to contemplate the situation naturally in his mind, and if there interest to get more serious is there it will be brought out. Worst case is he lets you go, in which the same applies as mentioned above, except you can always break up later with the new guy and go back to the casual nature of your relationship with him if you so desired, or if you found yourself to be lonely after the plan backfired and needed the companionship.

[Baphomette]

I would love to know what he feels about me now after we've known each other for a couple of months now, but I'm kinda scared how to approach him.

^ It's simple. You don't. It needs to come from him, it has to be his idea. He provided terms at the start of the relationship, and any attempt on your end to change them this early on is likely just going to scare him off. Spend enough time with him, rock his world sexually, do whatever else turns his crank, and then bam you are nicely positioned to have two easy options to upgrade the relationship.

I couldn't disagree more. Unless she's dating a macho asshole, her thoughts/feelings on their relationship and what she wants to get out of it are just as important as his. And they need to be addressed.
Be direct, @Charmingly Miserable. Just ask him.

[Dra508]

^ It's simple..

Seriously, would you want this tactic used on you?

[Madmya]

AgentofChaos gives great advice and people criticise him for it. He's bang on, people want what they can't have.

[eversonpoe]

AgentofChaos gives great advice and people criticise him for it. He's bang on, people want what they can't have.

but it doesn't apply to everyone, nor is it the best ethical choice. if you have to use that tactic to ensnare a mate, it's often going to lead to an unhealthy relationship (though not always).

[Halo Infinity]

@Kris I want to hug the shit out of you.

How sweet of you to say that, as I also love to cuddle.

So, to catch up on what's going on with me: I'm over the guy that I have mentioned on this thread. We are still friends but I don't talk to him as much. I kinda moved on. I met this guy who lives about an hour away from me. We bonded over our love for NIN. At first, he wanted us to be a FWB kind of thing. We've been hanging out with each other every weekend for about a month or so. Even though he first stated that he wanted a FWB kind of thing, I have feelings for him. I feel that we act like a "couple." How do you define FWB?

I've always thought of it as a close friend that you have sex with, but yet have no intention to become monogamous with, or even involved in any romantic way whatsoever. It's like being a single swinger in my opinion, or a real life Austin Powers.

I would love to know what he feels about me now after we've known each other for a couple of months now, but I'm kinda scared how to approach him.

That was one of my qualms in having that kind of relationship, but I definitely get the appeal of it, and at least it's not cheating. I suppose being direct and honest is really the right way to go when it comes to things like this as miscommunication and missed opportunities sound like a much worse fate in my opinion, as it would probably hurt a lot more that way, while being a lot more confusing. I'd definitely say that Miss Baphomette is completely right on the money.

[Ryan]

It's simple.

We kill the Bat Man.

[Madmya]

but it doesn't apply to everyone, nor is it the best ethical choice. if you have to use that tactic to ensnare a mate, it's often going to lead to an unhealthy relationship (though not always).

He said the second option was more devious, and the first is just playing hard to get which has been used for God knows how long. I see you've removed your 'facepalming' of his post though, good for you kid.

[Charmingly Miserable]

@AgentofChaos Um, no. Just no.

I couldn't disagree more. Unless she's dating a macho asshole, her thoughts/feelings on their relationship and what she wants to get out of it are just as important as his. And they need to be addressed.
Be direct, @Charmingly Miserable. Just ask him.

I like your style.

How sweet of you to say that, as I also love to cuddle.

Me too!!!! Come to SoCal.

I've always thought of it as a close friend that you have sex with, but yet have no intention to become monogamous with, or even involved in any romantic way whatsoever. It's like being a single swinger in my opinion, or a real life Austin Powers.

I kinda think so too. However, I would be completely monogamous but keep my options open. At this point, I have pretty much closed my options and I am in no way shape or form looking for anyone else. I'm a one man woman right now.

That was one of my qualms in having that kind of relationship, but I definitely get the appeal of it, and at least it's not cheating. I suppose being direct and honest is really the right way to go when it comes to things like this as miscommunication and missed opportunities sound like a much worse fate in my opinion, as it would probably hurt a lot more that way, while being a lot more confusing. I'd definitely say that Miss Baphomette is completely right on the money.

I agree too. I just need to pony up and tell him how I feel. This guy is great. He is the most legitimate guy I have met without any drama. I just hope he has some sort of feelings for me.

[AgentofChaos]

Meh just my two cents. Take it or leave it. I'll be rooting for you. But if the guy is worth his salt, he should have already recognized your value and tried to lock you down. I don't see it as a sneaky tactic so much as a method to help someone come to terms with their own feelings at their own pace, instead of forcing that decision on them when they may not be ready for it. Otherwise he's likely just not that into you, or he's a boy and not a man, obviously neither being ideal scenarios.

Dra as far as would I care if it was used on me? Probably not to be honest. I wasn't deceived into anything, it still was my decision. But then again I think it's highly unlikely I'd find myself in that situation to begin with since I'd be much more direct and communicative to start with. I'm old fashioned like that. If I'm with a lady she's going to know without question right from the start what the deal is.

[Dra508]

. If I'm with a lady she's going to know without question right from the start what the deal is.

THAT right there. Honesty, as harsh as it may be is best, in my opinion. If you said "I can only do FWB" you don't see that ever changing?

[AgentofChaos]

Anything's possible I suppose, I rarely say never. But definitely highly unlikely. And it would certainly depend on the circumstances in which the fwb'ing began.

In my case, I lived alone for five years in my early 20's, did my own thing and loved every minute of it. Try as they might the ladies couldn't lock me down. I was always up front with them in telling them this was the case from the start, that I was emotionally unavailable etc, and they'd be cool with it at first. And then after a while I became the asshole. It was the natural progression I understood that. I was completely honest, but it didn't matter. I had no interest in keeping any of them around and no matter how many times I looked them in the eyes early on and told them that, they somehow believed they would be different. Well they weren't. In some cases I even had to write up a list of things they were absolutely not allowed to do if they wanted to continue fucking me. Break a rule, and I wouldn't answer their call again. It was a bold move, but it worked well for the most part. You could call me every name in the book, but you couldn't say I wasn't an honest man. Did it occur to me that this could eventually backfire and I could fall for one of these women? Of course. But I never did. Never waivered for a second to be honest. And then one day I met my wife. And from our first date, she never got any bullshit line from me. I never tried to feed her any rules or tell her about how I didn't want a relationship. I knew instantly that this woman was a fuckin lottery ticket, and my friends with benefits days were over. We moved in together shortly thereafter, and the rest is history.


So do I think I'm lucky? Yeah, I do. But I also understand my life is not an Ashton Kutcher or Justin Timberlake movie. When some of the women I slept with tried to get me into a relationship, on a long enough time frame, they became the same person, another in a long line of trappers trying to trap me. If one of them was ever going to get me, it was going to be when I was older and when I sat back on my own and realized how much I missed one of them when they stopped coming around, or when their replacement(s) didn't suffice. I actually always thought that was what would happen to me for a time, except it would be too late and by the time I realized it, the woman would had moved on and become happy elsewhere, and I'd rue it for the rest of my gin soaked days.

I think what it boils down to here is whether or not the guy in question claimed to be weary of all relationships for a reason from the start, or if this was specific to Charmingly Miserable and their arrangement. If it's the former, then I would say a small proclivity for change could be there. Especially if he's a more mature gentleman. If it's the latter, I'd probably consider her DOA. That is of course unless her real name is Natalie Portman or Milas Kunis in which case all bets are off.

[Frozen Beach]

I'm confused. I got back together with my ex today. I also had my first kiss. The problem is though she wants to have kids immediately. We're both obviously not ready for that. She's very insistent on it though. I don't know. All I know is that sometimes during PMS, her feelings about things can be incredibly intense. Hopefully it's just that. I'd love to have kids with her, but the thing is, I don't want them being raised in a chaotic way.

Hopefully tomorrow me and her can think of something more logical. Maybe I can get my shit together during the next few months, and it'd actually sound logical. But I refuse to bring children into this world ill prepared for them. I love her, but not enough to ruin our lives plus the life of a child.

[Fixer808]

I'm confused. I got back together with my ex today. I also had my first kiss. The problem is though she wants to have kids immediately.

HOW fucking OLD ARE YOU?!

[Frozen Beach]

HOW fucking OLD ARE YOU?!

22 and I'll be 23 in September.
Being a recluse + not really hitting on Women = things like that happening later than usual.

[Fixer808]

Okay, well I'm not judging the kissing thing, I was a late bloomer, no judgements... But jumping from first makeout session to "GIVE ME CHILDREN!".
Dude, DO NOT. From how it sounds, neither of you are prepared to handle the consequences. No offense intended at all, but that's the vibe I get from your post.

[Frozen Beach]

Yeah, I know. It's a matter of convincing her. Hopefully, she'll realize it, but if not, I guess it's best for us to just go back to not talking, though I know that'll hurt her because she's really missed me. Maybe she wants kids because she's afraid of losing me again? I don't know. It's not like I broke up with her the first time. She broke up with me.

I'm just a bit overwhelmed. I admit, I was the one to call her, which initiated things. I don't know why I did. It's like I just got this weird feeling that I needed to.

[Louie_Cypher]

Frozen,
You need to take a step back and think, first kiss tells me this is the first girl you have been with. Now I am not judging you, but kids?!?, Do either of you have the means to support a child? Do you honestly understand what it means to bring a life in to the world?
There is an old bull and a young bull standing on a hill, overlooking a heard of cows, young bull says "let's run down there and fuck a cow". Old bull says," let's walk down there and fuck them all"
Think about it
-Louie

[pigpen]

I sort of went through the same thing. (However, there were other factors and different interests/beliefs that most likely made it better for us to not get involved on that level.) Perhaps that's also why some people will tell you to just go for it and take the risk as it's the only way to even find out if it was meant to be.

Yeah, I suppose but her situation reminded me a little toooo much of the one I was still trying to work my way out of completely..
She has since broken up with the guy, which for me SHOULD mean good things, but I saw on her FB a picture of her and the dude she just broke up with smiling and sitting next to eachother at a baby shower that was after their split... Which again, is pretty similar to the situation I was in when I first met her..
So, I don't know what to do.. I DO know that I'll do everything I can to not end up in a fucking love triangle again, though..