The Mental Health thread - depression, bipolar, ADHD, you name it

[allegro]

@sentient02970 Thank you! It is helpful to read that. One thing that I envision when I'm feeling low like I did when I posted that, is the moment I step off the plane and am greeted by my sister and mother, I'm sure I'm going to feel elation during that time. I realize that it's the anticipation of the day of goodbyes that is freaking me out more than anything. I manage to let it out of my mind for about three days at a time until it hits me again full force.

If the "goodbyes" is freaking you out, don't look at it that way; you have Skype, Facetime, all kinds of ways to keep in touch with the people you care about and love. Don't say "goodbye" to them (way too permanent, like a death); just agree that you won't say "goodbye" but that you'll all have some silly replacement word, instead, like "cha-cha!!" and that you will all keep in touch; I still keep in touch with my friends and family in Michigan mostly via texting and computer; I don't SEE them very often, but it's pretty easy to keep in touch with them these days via several forms of electronic communication. Remember, LIFE IS AN ADVENTURE. Yes, part of the adventure is the unknown, but that's why it's an adventure.

You're right, keep that picture in your mind of the minute you step off that plane and your mom and sister there to greet you with warm loving arms, and everything will be okay.

[Swykk]

Got diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder today so I can add that to the list. Yay?

I'm so tired of fighting all of it but also very tired of feeling miserable all the time.

[Sarah K]

If I get into this program, I have to abstain from all drugs for the duration of the program... Which is generally six months. I'm NOT sold on that. They even make you pee. It's like I'm on goddamn probation. This even includes alcohol.

[allegro]

If I get into this program, I have to abstain from all drugs for the duration of the program... Which is generally six months. I'm NOT sold on that. They even make you pee. It's like I'm on goddamn probation. This even includes alcohol.

Can't you buy clean pee? I had friends who did that.

Although, I went totally clean for a year and it felt great and I even lost a bunch of weight without even trying.

[Sarah K]

Yeah. Or I could even just stop smoking, and only drink, and schedule my drinking around my appointments. Haha. Kicking the weed as far as a nightly thing won't be that hard for me. It's a crutch to help me sleep. But now I got put back on my medications, so having trouble sleeping won't be as much of an issue. Turning down weed in social situations will be much harder. And I don't even drink that often, so that's not a huge deal for me, either. But it's like... some days, I just wanna drink beer. Haha. And really, I maybe drink three times a month when I'm here. When I go back to Nebraska is where the real shitshow begins. Everyone wants to drink with me, buy me drinks, comp me drinks, etc. I was back for four days recently, and I was drinking a solid 75% of that time.

The last time I did anything outside of weed was some Adderall a few months ago, and coke back in October on my birthday. I just hate the AA-ish mentality of it. But I think I'm going to try to do it. I'm already dreading the holidays back home... when I will be right at towards the end of the program, if I get in.

But I think it will be worth it in the end. It more or less sounds like outpatient rehab, but they aren't calling it that. They'll even do some job training and placement, too. Which would be huge for me. So... I think I can not smoke and drink for six months while I get this shit sorted out.

[allegro]

Well, yeah, and it also shows that nothing you are taking is counterproductive to what you're trying to accomplish, here, or counteracts with whatever drug they're giving you, eh? Cleaning out your system is like a "cleanse," starting fresh.

The holidays were weird when I was dry. I did virgin eggnog drinks. I did VEGAS totally dry (I don't do any drugs). I figured if I could do that, I can do anything.

[Sarah K]

No beer during football season will be the worst.

[allegro]

O'Doul's!!!!

[Dra508]

[QUOTE=sentient02970;263877] @halloween Not silly at all! A move like that is a big change and changes like that come with all kinds of anxiety and stress. I think a lot of what has helped me over the many moves and changes in my life has been to find a way to ground myself in the new environment. Instead of dwelling on "what I leave behind" I tried to find ways to discover things I loved about the new place/town/people and follow where that leads me. In EVERY case, it's been great and allowed me personally to grow. One example is my latest move from the quiet rural island community to an older, noiser, slow to redevelop, urban community. I'm finding new places to hang out in, new places to walk/run/bike to, seeing the city grow month to month. I'm enjoying the ease of going to the corner store, being a regular there and getting to know the small businesses in the community (something I had very little touch on in my old place). I'm able to focus on my small backyard and make it our own personal haven. I live in possibly one of if not the most criminally shady parts of the city but we've been able to make it our own and find safety in what we can control. Sure, we'd like to move back into the country sometime in the future but for now we've found ways to ground ourselves and make this "home".

I hope that helps some! Best to you![/QUOTE @halloween This is spot on. When I moved last year, I positioned it in my brain as a new beginning, not leaving anything or anyone. It's true that communications today really put you right next to people who are oh so far away. Heck, I'm typing this and you're going to read it from 1,000 miles away.

One thing I'd add is if there is anything you find comfort in as a routine, for me it was working out and yoga, for you it could be getting a good meal or coffee, seek out those things that make your new location your new home. As @sentient02970 said, exploring your new environment helps to get you focused on what you're gaining, not what you're losing.

[Baphomette]

If I get into this program

Are you doing Matrix?

[Sarah K]

I dunno what that means. It's basically like an outpatient treatment program.

[halloween]

@Dra508 That's great advice. I think I'd be having a much easier time with this if I was already single, but I'm not so leaving my boyfriend is hurting me so much. At least we're being able to stay on friend terms and as everyone has mentioned, once I'm there all it will take is to jump on facebook and it will ease my anxiety. I really do have a problem where I feel like this is a death- like I'm mourning my friends and also I'm afraid they will forget me. If I make sure to reach out I'm sure some of them will reach right back out. I've had one friend to date that has ignored all my attempts of communication and I gave up after several months. For the first time since college three years ago, I've had friends texting me because I've been living in the same city as them in the past couple months and it's really been eye opening for me. I realize now that it's easy to fade out of peoples consciousness when I'm not in their immediate day to day life.

Today I had a bit of a crying bout but the moment I let it out and kind of embraced my feelings, a switch flicked and I felt SO much better, I felt ready to enjoy the day and even the week- I'm at a family members cabin in the mountains getting ready for a family reunion for the next week. I'm picking up my sister at the airport tomorrow and it will be good getting to talk to her about the move since I'll be moving in with her. I really really really want to spend the next month in a positive, celebratory mind set rather than a depressed one which it has been mostly for the past few weeks.

[Dra508]

.

Today I had a bit of a crying bout but the moment I let it out and kind of embraced my feelings, a switch flicked and I felt SO much better, I felt ready to enjoy the day and even the week- I'm at a family members cabin in the mountains getting ready for a family reunion for the next week. I'm picking up my sister at the airport tomorrow and it will be good getting to talk to her about the move since I'll be moving in with her. I really really really want to spend the next month in a positive, celebratory mind set rather than a depressed one which it has been mostly for the past few weeks.

Nothing like a little catharsis to make your mind and soul move forward using positive thoughts.

When I moved away from the town I lived with my X, a recent friend I had made at the gym got a bit irritated with me. She literally felt like I was leaving her too and she was hurt. I just had to acknowledge her feelings. We really don't keep up as if we did live near each other, but that's is life, friends move in and out of your life till you die.

Look forward to the future- there is all sorts of possibility. You just have to be open to it and be in it. Present.

[playwithfire]

Made the decision to part ways with my therapist after a really horrible session on Thursday. I don't think he's a *bad* therapist, but my needs/his approach didn't align. He's a psychotherapist and I should be seeing a behavioral therapist. I saw him initially for reasons not related to my OCD, and I got help with that through our sessions, but when it came to my OCD (something I'd talk about when not having other things to discuss), he thinks I should look into medication and I very strongly disagree. Our session on Thursday was basically an hour of us disagreeing.

And that's not me being an anti-medication person. I actually have been meaning to get medication I can take on the rare occasions my anxiety gets really bad. I would look into daily medication if I thought medication was the right option for me, just like I'd be pursuing formalized CBT right now if I thought it was the right choice. Using gentle CBT stuff on my own is a better fit for me right now.

The kinds of OCD I have respond best BY FAR to cognitive behavioral therapy. This isn't something I have randomly concluded. This is a fact. I've educated myself about my OCD over the years, and I'd even say that I may be more familiar with aspects of it than he was. So our disagreement there was a problem, and me feeling that misunderstood also sucked.

It left me feeling almost betrayed, and hurt by someone I'd made myself incredibly vulnerable to.

So, here I am, no more therapy planned for the forseeable future, and I had a really nice realization this afternoon after being down about it for the past couple of days.

I was thinking about the level of discipline OCD sufferers are forced to have. I fail at that with the rest of my life, but it's not an option with my OCD. I'm a lot more powerful and capable than I give myself credit for, and I've left myself in the best possible hands: my own.

[halloween]

Man, I've been considering getting together with a therapist once I move to Brazil just because I'm really nervous about how this move is going to affect me. Just like you've been telling yourself, I also feel like I'm stronger than I give myself credit for. I will be moving in with my sister who is awesome at being supportive, too. We'll see how it goes.

[Al_Hunter]

I suffer with pretty bad anxiety, but it's fairly infrequent. Basically, I have to deal with some stressful situations in my job [I work in construction and, more specifically, in agreeing contracts and contract values with subcontractors] and have gone through extensive periods of worrying about working situations.

One particular situation sticks with me. Almost a year ago now I was working on a new build hospital project. We had erected the steel frame and the first quarter of the first and second floors and roof level and poured the concrete for these sections of the job. One Sunday night/ Monday morning I found myself dreaming I was walking round the job, climbing ladders ascending up the floors. I was so invested in the job it was completely taking over my life.

I still find myself freaking out about some of the conversations I have to have with people regarding not paying them for certain things or charging them for costs we have incurred as a result of something they have done. Thankfully that hospital project has now finished and we are in negotiations with the client for the next phase, but I can see myself getting stressed and anxious again once we get into the next phase.

[theruiner]

I can't even begin to explain how horrible I feel right now. The depression and stress and anxiety I'm experiencing are at max levels. I have been trying and trying and trying to make things better and pull myself out of it but it's not working at all. I don't see things getting better, like, ever. I keep going only motivated by the hope that things will somehow turn around but I've been doing that my entire life and it never has. I am doing everything in my power to improve things and it's just not working at all.

Depression, seriously, is just the worst.

[implanted_microchip]

I wish people would just let me decide for myself whether I want to keep going or not. Somewhere life stopped feeling like a promise and started feeling like an imposition.

[playwithfire]

Okay, you can have my calcium. <3

[playwithfire]

I think the hard part about that line of thinking is that your brain probably wouldn't be feeling that way if it was healthy -- due to extreme stress or depression or chemical imbalance. It sucks that we can't have the other part of us... the part of us when things are good, during these times.

I hope this maybe helps even a little bit.

[halloween]

I absolutely love that poster. I've read it several times now and it keeps me realizing that our brains is a giant sponge of chemicals and electricity and can govern your thoughts at the slightest whims. I always have to tell myself to look forward and not give in to the stress- which is a much more indicative word for me than if I just tell myself "I'm depressed" because that feels so much more mysterious and doom-worthy. When I'm haunted by visions of suicide, which happens every other day, I realize it's just my body saying "I'M STRESSED, THIS SUCKS RIGHT NOW, I WANT TO LIE DOWN FOREVER." I have been over sleeping and under exercising recently, and fucking a it's a downward spiral. I went for a walk yesterday and I felt cleansed for a brief time. I'm waiting until it's not 95 degrees to go for another walk tonight.

[elevenism]

I'm not doing well at all right now. So much on my mind. Shop much physical pain. Rapid cycling of classic mania to paranoia/anxiety that turns into real fear. I brought one of the wrong bottles to the hotel so I'm off one of the meds. Sadness over friends deaths, one happened already and one is impending. I have a bad feeling that the manic side. .that I'm gonna come unglued this time. I KIND of heard something but i was half asleep so idk if it counts? Getting already for the surgery and then it didn't go through, there was someone that I thought cared but I think I was wrong, big gulf between me and wife because of lack of sex from broken back I think? O r maybe it's just In my head. Don't feel like part of the herd anywhere lately. Fixated on inevitability of death. Can't sleep. All my friends are back in dallas and I don't know anyone here. Most of my 'friends' Are on ets. Hard to type thru this phone. Mind going so fast. Sensing ghosts seeing shadows out of the corner of my eye. I'm gonna try to get in to the psych clinic early. It makes me sick to be all pathetic but I guess this is me asking for help. I don't like it. But this is where I spend most of my social time. Sorry if this post is too long and or disjointed. My mind is going progressively faster.

[elevenism]

Thank god i've chilled the fuck out some!

I needed sleep and back on my meds.

Mania is a strange thing. For me, it feels really good at first.

But then, like i stated a few days ago, it turns into an almost permanent panic-attack state.
Then i get into a situation where i'm actually SCARED to go to sleep, partially for fear of the nightmares, and partially for fear of the "nightmare" of waking up.

I also often turn on the people closest to me, thinking that no one in my family cares, which is totally bat-shit crazy. I was talking THAT way in the above post too.

Sometimes the whole thing culminates in hallucinations, usually auditory.

Thank god i am home now, i've had some sleep, and i have access to the medicines that i forgot to bring with me to Amarillo.

[marodi]

Origin story here .

A reminder that I was diagnosed with severe social anxiety disorder, panic attacks and OCD.

You can imagine that hearing that I was deemed to appear "not quite there" sent me into full panic attack mode. For the last 24 hours I've been unable to eat without vomiting, I couldn't stop crying and I don't plan on getting out soon. I was even suicidal for a couple hours (don't worry and please don't send the cops, this has passed now).

I am a bit better, I have eaten a toast and it's fine for now. I've stopped crying (for now) but I am still not getting out anytime soon.

Fuck the world. I'm staying right here with my cat.

[kel]

Origin story here .

A reminder that I was diagnosed with severe social anxiety disorder, panic attacks and OCD.

You can imagine that hearing that I was deemed to appear "not quite there" sent me into full panic attack mode. For the last 24 hours I've been unable to eat without vomiting, I couldn't stop crying and I don't plan on getting out soon. I was even suicidal for a couple hours (don't worry and please don't send the cops, this has passed now).

I am a bit better, I have eaten a toast and it's fine for now. I've stopped crying (for now) but I am still not getting out anytime soon.

Fuck the world. I'm staying right here with my cat.

i'm so sorry. i've been there, the anxiety causes extreme dry heaving and it's impossible to function. it happened to me four weeks ago and i had to have my mom call in for me. it is NEVER taken seriously from co workers and it always feels shameful. so shitty.

stay with your cat. breathe and hope to wake up feeling better. you're not alone.

[Ryan]

edit: Feeling better!

[allegro]

Origin story here .

A reminder that I was diagnosed with severe social anxiety disorder, panic attacks and OCD.

You can imagine that hearing that I was deemed to appear "not quite there" sent me into full panic attack mode. For the last 24 hours I've been unable to eat without vomiting, I couldn't stop crying and I don't plan on getting out soon. I was even suicidal for a couple hours (don't worry and please don't send the cops, this has passed now).

I am a bit better, I have eaten a toast and it's fine for now. I've stopped crying (for now) but I am still not getting out anytime soon.

Fuck the world. I'm staying right here with my cat.

There was nothing wrong with you at that cell phone store; that is just typical predatory target shit that happens to all women. I once went home with a new CAR I couldn't afford, after having been harassed for hours at a car dealer I visited just to get a price, and I had to come back with a lawyer, and I was under 30 at the time. That dealer has since been closed down. But, trust me, it's not you; it's sleazy predatory business practices. (I still won't go to a car dealer without a guy with me, decades later.) Women are the biggest targets of these lying harassing tactics, most of which are illegal. They know we have not been conditoned to just *walk away*. But we can learn. Next time, though, take your brother to anyplace where this could happen (or at least a friend); this stuff never happens when there is a witness.

I hope you feel better. *hugs* I would have been really upset, too. If it's any consolation, I use my Samsung Galaxy as a little minicomputer. I am typing this ETS response on it right now while sitting on the couch. :-)

[Swykk]

Fuck. Sorry to hear, @Ryan . Hope you feel better soon.

[marodi]

Thanks @c0f3d and @allegro for the kind words. I'm feeling much better now. I'm still staying home with my cat though! :P

And if I had to go with a kick ass smartphone, the Samsung Galaxy would be my choice too. It's a beautiful thing. But for the need I have for it, it would be like buying a flame thrower to kill a fly.

I vented a bit on Virgins Mobile fb page, very politely, mind you; I am Canadian after all.
@allegro do you know what it reminded me of? I don't know if you've ever seen this but back in early 00's, Alan Cumming wrote a fantastic article for Marie Claire magazine. He spent a day in New York (iirc) as himself, walking the street and went to shop for a car. Then, he dressed up as a woman (he got professional help to help him look as natural as possible in make-up and women's clothes, including high heels) and did the exact same thing. The way he was treated (as a woman) at the car dealer ship was appalling.

*hugs all around*

[ldopa]

the mental health system is so fucked here in cali. nobody has any solutions, and i have no solutions (as a citizen) except enabling. WHICH IS NOT A SOLUTION!