Bite me
Don’t worry about that. Let your lawyer worry about if that’s needed.Originally Posted by eachpassingphase
See this: https://www.womenslaw.org/laws/mo/di...vorce-missouri
Has he admitted that he’s been having an affair?
Either way, the stuff he said to you certainly falls into category number 2.
You’re documenting, this is good.
Active Member
Last gasp of winter today. Sunny but like 40 out. I have really severe arthritis & the cold messes with me huge. I can't get warm even though furnace is going & it feel like bones are breaking in my hands & feet especially. Been bundled up in bed most of the day. Enough typing for now....
Throbbing Member
That’s what our friends who know are asking too, because it’s just so odd. He hasn’t fallen or been in any accidents in years. I suppose it’s possible that he could have experienced something like a stroke, but he won’t go to the doctor so I have no options for helping him on that one.
He’s always had serious issues with depression, but he is so high functioning on a practical level (he is a business analyst who is a favorite of the CEO’s at our demanding job) that he is convinced that he’s fine. He takes one antidepressant, but it’s either not enough or not the right dose, because he’s constantly miserable anyway. But his misery never resulted in cruelty toward me or the kids. So this is new. I wish he would go to the doctor, but I can’t make him.
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Throbbing Member
Oh yeah. He has told me in excruciating detail how much he loves this other woman, how he knows he’s wrong but he won’t stop talking to her because “he deserves somebody who is at least a little on his side”. How she’s his soul mate and all this other shit.
Yeah, he’s told me repeatedly and in excruciating detail that he’s in love with her and not me, and admits that he’s been unfaithful. He swears only emotionally, but I don’t believe him. I’ve caught him in several lies since this all started.
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Throbbing Member
I know you are right. Thank you for the compliments- having somebody you love say such awful things to you rocks you to your core. But deep down I know they aren’t true
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she/her/hers
@eachpassingphase
just want to say, to start (not that this is the point, but) you are an incredibly kind, caring, and amazing person, and you're also a fucking babe. so he's clearly an idiot.
second, do you think this is how y'all got covid? it seems like the most likely scenario.
and third, i am so, so sorry. i hope this all works out in your favor, and you definitely don't deserve this kind of bullshit.
<3
Throbbing Member
Ok I had to chuckle a little at the Covid thing. It’s not where we got Covid, thank god. Whatever started up between them didn’t start until like Christmastime.
Ok, but y’all check out this shit because it infuriated me. I am so glad he wasn’t home when I saw this, because I would have put his ass in the ground. He would have met Jesus that day, guaranteed.
He looked up the lyrics to “Something I Can Never Have” TO SEND THEM TO HER. This rat fuck SENT HER THE LYRICS OF MY FAVORITE BAND to his mistress. He likes NIN just fine, but only because I’m a fanatic and my daughter loves the music too. That’s the only reason this dude knows any of those songs AND NOW HES USING THEM TO SERENADE THIS GIRL?!?!
I don’t know why it sent me through the roof, but that weirdly felt like the worst betrayal. I’d rather he told me that he had been buying coke and had a dozen love children than that. It hit me in the shittiest way and made me so mad. But I didn’t say anything because it seemed like a pathetic thing to get mad about. But I have to laugh a little now at it.
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tempus est umbra in mente
honestly, @eachpassingphase, abandon ideas like getting evidence of texts from phones or chat logs. If you were not a party to these communications, you would be compromising yourself by trying to access them, even if you are completely justified in pointing to obvious stuff; if it isn't yours just don't touch it, and talk to the lawyer. Tell him/her all the cards you have on the table, and if s/he's a good lawyer, s/he will tell you what to do. It's why they (sometimes) make the big bucks.
Your lawyer will also, hopefully, instruct you about the possibility where if you've been married for over ten years, you might be entitled to his social security in a settlement... and if you're still not quite technically ten years in, you might wanna drag this out for a minute? Just saying it's something to look into.
Last edited by Jinsai; 03-16-2021 at 08:45 PM.
Bite me
You’re automatically entitled to up to 50% of his Social Security when you reach 65, if you don’t remarry, if you were married at least 10 years.
But the bigger concern now is the children. Child support, getting a court order entered for wage deductions, healthcare costs, education costs, etc.
Revenge in divorce is never useful when children are involved.
@eachpassingphase , are you still a mortuary science student? If your husband is currently making a lot more than you because you are a student trying to better yourself in a new career, your lawyer can attempt to get the court to require your husband to pay you maintainance (fka alimony) for a time determined necessary while you complete your education.
Last edited by allegro; 03-16-2021 at 11:23 PM.
Active Member
The family cat Pusslin was put down today, he had basel cell tumours, and for the past three weeks had stopped eating and was losing weight and energy . My mum and sister in the Caribbean had him for 12 years from a kitten. My sister is devastated. I am sad I was his aunty. RIP Pusslin
This year has been tough, my Dad's dementia has worsened, my Mum had to lose her leg and now the cat. Oh and my Dad lost his brother at the end of last year
Bite me
@miss k bee , my sincerest condolences.
Active Member
So sorry to hear. Losing your pets is the worst.
Throbbing Member
So an update that answers some of your questions.
We went to therapy together for the first time this week, we already had the appointment schedule and I didn't want to cancel it. But after I watched him straight up lie the whole way through it I realized that I was done. I will never go to couples therapy again with somebody this deluded. I do like that therapist though, and I will continue going for myself. He also wants to keep going alone, and for our daughter's sake I hope he does. But that's not my concern or problem. I am done and moving forward with what I assume will be the end of our marriage. I think I startled him, but he agreed.
What I also realized shortly afterward is that he wants out so badly so that he can cat around, that a lot of his earlier claims that he would be taking full custody of my daughter etc were bluffs or delusion. What he wants is to be free of me, and i'll give him that but he's gonna earn it. We had a frank discussion where I gave him the details of what I learned from divorce attorneys - that given our situation I was very likely to get primary custody of our daughter, and that he would likely owe me a lot of child support AND alimony. I told him that if he agreed to my terms, then we could make this as quick and painless as possible and he could be free to do whatever (or whoever) he wants sooner rather than later. But if he didn't, I would make this painful for him and ask for everything I could possibly get - and from the sound of things he would walk out in far worse shape than me.
But what I actually want is a 60/40 split of time with our daughter, and my son (who is from a previous relationship back when I was like 19) is a teenager who is welcome to spend as little or as much time with his stepdad as he chooses. I doubt he decides to do so though, as they are not particularly close. As far as money and property - I want enough child support to keep our daughter's lifestyle similar in both homes. We do not own a home or land, and the only debt we have is his car payment and student loans which he will be keeping. I have a credit card that I pay off every month and that's it. I'm fine with just splitting savings down the middle, as well as any educational/medical expenses for our daughter in the future. We have enough furniture for two households, and there's no argument over who would get what. I do want him to replace my vehicle though, because my van is getting pretty old and the plan was to replace mine this year because our daughter's wheelchair requires a van. I also want to claim her at tax time.
As of right now, he is agreeing to all of those terms. He wants out, and I think he finally realized that I am no longer fawning over him like some starry-eyed dipshit. He's changed his tone with me drastically over the last few days, and is much more respectful and decent.
I am hoping that we can go through this local firm that has a mediation service for couples that more or less see eye-to-eye on how this should go. He may change his tune at some point, and if that's the case then so be it. But it will be cheaper and quicker this way, assuming he continues to agree with me.
We are actually coming up on 11 years married in just a couple of months, and I was a homemaker for most of it.
As for school, I was supposed to start in the fall for mortuary science. But with everything that is going on, I will need to postpone. There's no way I can keep my grades up right now with everything that is going on. I spoke with the school this morning though, and they told me that in the end - if I wait a year and re-apply for financial aid as a single mom, it's likely given my solo income that I would get a shitload of grants and graduate with very little or no debt, as I only need a few semesters of school. However, I am going to bring this up with the attorney and see what they recommend on that end. This might actually be the best thing that could happen for my education, because I could go to school for free/cheap and 40 percent of the time I would be child-free to focus on homework. I wouldn't have that option if I were still married.
I want to keep this as simple and non dramatic as possible, but I'm also aware that he can't be trusted right now. So I'm praying that he continues to agree to my terms and that we can get this moving.
I'll miss the life I thought we had together, and I'll be sad for our daughter who is never going to understand why her dad and I don't live together anymore. I'll miss the sex and companionship and the person I thought he was. But I don't miss the man he is now, and I want to get on with my life.
Last edited by eachpassingphase; 04-05-2021 at 10:19 PM.
Throbbing Member
I'm so sorry for everything you are going through. Dementia is so scary and hard on families, and it sounds like you are already getting hit with too much already. Especially losing a source of comfort like a beloved family pet. : (
tempus est umbra in mente
@eachpassingphase that's a complicated situation w/ the therapist. I'm not sure if there's a distinction between psychologist and psychiatrist here, but I'm pretty sure there's some prohibitions about treating two patients separately that you know have a mutual history. It's at least professionally frowned upon I believe, but maybe there's a difference if it begins as couple's therapy. It would make sense also just on another level, especially since you're identifying that he's being completely dishonest with the therapist. That is only certainly going to get more blatant when you're not in the room, and the therapist will be dealing with two wildly different takes on the reality of the situation.
Active Member
@eachpassingphase I highly suggest documenting how much is in your shared savings account now, in case he decides to do something shady and move money out of it. That's my knee-jerk reaction.
I'm glad you came to the realization. You deserve someone who loves and respects you.
she/her/hers
who the fuck just straight-up lies in couples therapy? that is so fucked up. i wanna come kick him in the fucking balls.
Hairy Member
Hi friends, today I FUCKED UP
I fucked up by mentioning TDS to a stranger. My feet are running cold thinking about it again.
I had to ring up a guy for alcohol so I IDed him, the birth year: 1994. I said "That's interesting."
He said "What's interesting?"
I told him the year he was born was the same year this cool rock album came out called "The Downward Spiral"
Somehow he misunderstood me (I figured that out afterward) but I didn't know he misheard.
He said "Do you treat all your customers rudely? or just the young ones?"
And guess what? I thought he was teasing because I IDed him so I answer back "Just the young ones."
He's really pissed (somehow), He tells me how dare I treat him with disrespect and dumb me thinks this is still banter
"You know we don't have to shop here, we might just stop shopping here."
and I fucking say sarcastically "Aw man, I guess they'll have to let me go then since I lost a customer."
It started to dawn on me that he's dead serious when he asked for a manager. I obliged with confusion yet felt a deep horror start to trickle in.
So yeah, I had to explain to my manager our conversation. I was lucky he understood.
The horror though fully coursed through my body when the customer told him "She told me that my birth year, my generation was a downward spiral."
At least he bought the wine. I wish I could buy back those minutes of pure terror.
tempus est umbra in mente
You know what sucks more? People born in 1994 have been able to buy alcohol for a while
Last edited by Jinsai; 03-22-2021 at 10:12 PM.
Bite me
And are deaf or dumber than a box of rocks.
Just tickles my balls!
Lmfao what an idiot! Sorry that happened to you but that’s so funny at the same time.
Super sensitive young fucks.
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I think I'm out of time to get back to my cat in the UK.
The vet emailed that they're concerned about his quality of life, but my partner says the cat doesn't seem to be in any pain. I think it's going to be 3-4 weeks max. I just feel so horrible for leaving them behind, but I had to. This fucking pandemic has messed with my mind so much I don't know where to begin.
Active Member
What does your cat have?
Administrator
i’m so sorry. thinking of you and your kitty. i have to put my 16 year old cat down in the next few days and it fucking sucks.
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Bite me
@Magnetic , I’m so sorry.
Cats (and dogs) are really good at hiding pain. Quality of life is often determined by factors other than pain, because we just don’t know and they don’t tell us. The vets typically measure quality of life by how much the pet is sleeping, hiding, eating, drinking, playing, is Kitty doing the same daily activities, as well as physical exam stuff like signs of dehydration, or sitting in a “meatloaf” position (which often indicates pain) etc. Vets rarely advise that it’s getting to be “time” when it isn’t.
Could you maybe buy a respirator - like the kind that painters use with the two cans on them - and fly to the U.K. wearing one? One of our friends had to fly up to IL from FLA to handle the arrangements for his stepson’s death up here, and our friend is a painter and uses a respirator, and he wore it on the plane, and an N95 when he was tired of the respirator.
Could you maybe buy a respirator - like the kind that painters use with the two cans on them - and fly to the U.K. wearing one? One of our friends had to fly up to IL from FLA to handle the arrangements for his stepson’s death up here, and our friend is a painter and uses a respirator, and he wore it on the plane, and an N95 when he was tired of the respirator.
I feel for you, this is so hard.
Last edited by allegro; 03-24-2021 at 01:03 PM.
Active Member
@sweeterthan I'm sorry. That sucks. Sometimes I think animals are better than humans.
Bite me
I’m so sorry
tempus est umbra in mente
it really is the worst... the only "redeeming" part of having to put down a pet is the quiet final moments you have together where it's peaceful and they know they're loved, and you can tell they don't truly understand what's happening, and really, as weird as that sounds it makes it all "better." Everything "good" there is also horrifying and terrible though, and nobody has a planned way to get through this sort of thing in the best way.
Active Member
The cat is still jumping up onto window sills and my partner's lap. When he had pancreatitis he was displaying lots of symptoms of pain. Since he was treated for that, he's been stable. His liver enzymes actually have improved, but not enough to treat him for his thyroid issue, so his weight is low. It's difficult.@Magnetic, I’m so sorry.
Cats (and dogs) are really good at hiding pain. Quality of life is often determined by factors other than pain, because we just don’t know and they don’t tell us. The vets typically measure quality of life by how much the pet is sleeping, hiding, eating, drinking, playing, is Kitty doing the same daily activities, as well as physical exam stuff like signs of dehydration, or sitting in a “meatloaf” position (which often indicates pain) etc. Vets rarely advise that it’s getting to be “time” when it isn’t.
Could you maybe buy a respirator - like the kind that painters use with the two cans on them - and fly to the U.K. wearing one? One of our friends had to fly up to IL from FLA to handle the arrangements for his stepson’s death up here, and our friend is a painter and uses a respirator, and he wore it on the plane, and an N95 when he was tired of the respirator.
As for hopping on a plane - it's complicated. I can't jump the country on the fly due to my job, and even with a respirator, it's a 10 hr flight from FL to UK, and THEN I would have to contend with quarantine issues because the UK DGAF about putting lockdown on.
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