Work

[Halo Infinity]

i feel like this is somewhat impossible for some people to achieve. a big part of the reason i flipped out back in august, ended up in the ER and then a PHP/IOP program, and ended up leaving my job is because i was holding so much in that it all exploded at once. as a queer, trans/genderqueer feminist, being in an environment with a bunch of macho dudes who don't see women as people, have no respect for any kind of emotion, and constantly made me feel like a freak without knowing it (because i wasn't out in any way at work) was a toxic environment. and the entire field that i worked in is like that, so i also decided to not look for another job doing what i've done my entire adult life (and longer).

I've also met homophobes, transphobes and misogynists in the workplace, which were generally corporate office environments. Most of them were thankfully not people I worked with for hours on end though, as they were just seen mostly in passing and they usually found me to be weird or stupid just because I was quiet or at the very least not as talkative as the majority of other employees. I wasn't out either, but it also left me uncomfortable at the least and livid at the most. I don't blame you one bit either. It's just not worth all of the mental and emotional anguish and torment. I've also had my share of meltdowns as well, and learning more and more about the consequences of meltdowns as an adult has certainly made me understand where you're coming from.

I was mostly referring to nosiness and oversharing in general, but people like that also tend to be like that, as I've heard homophobic, transphobic and misogynistic rants at work before, and such types also don't know how to mind their own business, let alone care. Bullying in general also kills me from the inside out.

I also understand that people tend to be curious, but work shouldn't be the time or place for nosiness and oversharing. It made me wonder why they wanted so much information out of me from even just meeting them for the very first time. But sometimes aside from attempting to make friends, it still goes back to bullying yet again.

not saying that's everyone's experience, but for me, because i'm an extremely emotional person with really strong opinions and i'm hell-bent on speaking my mind about inequality/injustice/etc., it doesn't work.

Oh absolutely. Even though I have a different way of dealing with it, I still see what you mean. And while I'm very much aware that conflict and depression and anxiety are inevitable to me, I also hope to find a job that reduces it, if not necessarily eliminates it altogether. I'd select that job in heartbeat if so. In a way, the clerical side of my office job is where I'm at my most comfortable and secure as I actually enjoy data-entry and organizing files. I also just feel right at home at a cubicle. It's the messenger side I don't like so much, or even at all, because security guards and file clerks, to put it lightly, are not always the best people to meet, like ever. Not all, of course, but some of them were just extremely vile to say the least. (I'm also working at a law firm, hence my visits to various courthouses and encounters with security guards and file clerks, so there was even an incident where a judge lashed out at me for little to no reason, but in most cases, most judges were actually cool/chill. I also got along with lawyers and receptionists the most too.)

I've also been finding less time to post not just from being busy and cutting down on forums/social media, while realizing what others meant when they told me that reading and typing online also felt like work or a chore in and of itself, but also feeling more tired in my 30s than my 20s, but that could also be my weight issues. Speaking of emotions, that's another thing I got to work on, because I'm also a very emotional eater. It's easy to turn to food after bad experiences at work.

As for being tired, it's just routine now. Once I get home from work, all I want to do is just eat, and just get ready to sleep afterwards as I drift of to YouTube or whatever else is on the Internet. I never thought I'd be tired to the point of not even feeling like gaming, which said a lot to me, which is another reason why I now tend to save posting more for weekends and vacations.