So...I just tried S&M type stuff for the first time. I have to say, I did not enjoy it at all. About halfway through I was just playing along. The whole time all I wanted to do was go home but I told myself I would try this so I did, I stuck it out.

Now...that all being said, I'm still glad I did it. It was an experience, to be sure. And the aspiring comedian part of my brain at some point just started picking out really funny aspects of the situation that I could turn into a bit later. Not that I would be making fun of people who do this sort of thing, mind you, or the people I was with. I have no problem with any of it and I wouldn't make jokes at their expense. It was more kind of making fun of myself for how awkward I felt and the horribly cheesy music she put on in the background. And then the CD started skipping right in the middle. And I laughed out loud. I couldn't help it.

Also, and this is really weird, but it really kind of made me think of some very personal things differently. I don't know yet exactly how it affected this, but I do think this brought some sort of clarity to my gender issues because part of it was forced feminization stuff. I don't know exactly how my perspective shifted yet, I'll need some time to work through it (and thankfully I start with my gender therapist on Monday) but it definitely felt like something happened there. Either I am going to feel more strongly than ever about the gender thing or I may realize that I don't want that after all. I don't know. All I know is this definitely let me experience something I had always wanted to and it very well might have given me a partial breakthrough about the issue. Which is kind of amazing.

So...yeah. That happened.