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Thread: The Relationship Thread

  1. #3121
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    Quote Originally Posted by elevenism View Post
    So, suppose you were going on six years of marriage, and 8 years of living as married. And suppose you caught your SO in an online relationship that had been going on for 3 weeks. Suppose your SO insisted that it didn't mean anything, and told you that he or she loved only you, but, that your lives HAD to change and get better. Imagine, if you will, that you'd been stuck in an awful rut: never accomplishing anything, house is dirty, maybe you have a drug problem and no ambition, etc

    Now, imagine you'd already taken your husband or wife to the greyhound station, to spend the holidays with their family, in, say, idk, dallas.

    Would you even LET them come home? Would you throw away all those years of marriage, just based on the online indiscretion, or, would you try to work things out?

    Asking for a friend.
    Who maybe has a drug problem, you or them?

  2. #3122
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    It's difficult, as an online relationship indicates it's more emotional, but with the potential for physical. What's often difficult for some to appreciate, is that who you were 6-10 years ago may not be the same person you have become today. I speak from experience.

    If the drug abuse wasn't a habit early in the relationship, that's a new factor that the other partner didn't sign up for. Regardless, the onus is on both parties to communicate their displeasure of the evolved relationship, rather than seeking new connections elsewhere.

    Does that warrant severing everything immediately? Not necessarily. It depends on how the SO communicates. Can the two work towards being a better relationship? That requires a conversation that's brutally honest and truthful. What sucks is that the trust is broken, and that takes time and dedication to repair. If the SO is truly apologetic and willing to work towards building a better relationship, I think that's a conversation worth having.

  3. #3123
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    Quote Originally Posted by NIN64 View Post
    Who maybe has a drug problem, you or them?
    - let's call him Ms. Inevele- the "you" in this tale of ennui. He's got a bit of a drug problem, but he's damn sure willing to work on it.
    @Magnetic , Inevele dabbled in opiates in the beginning, but, it's sort of gotten out of hand.
    Last edited by elevenism; 12-18-2019 at 12:40 PM.

  4. #3124
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    When you say "online relationship," what do you mean? How serious was this?

  5. #3125
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    As much as it’s going to hurt, I’d say end it because if someone is willing to cheat, they’ll keep cheating.

    I’m sorry.

  6. #3126
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mantra View Post
    When you say "online relationship," what do you mean? How serious was this?
    ...

    (this message was set to self destruct)
    Last edited by elevenism; 12-28-2019 at 01:47 AM.

  7. #3127
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    Quote Originally Posted by elevenism View Post
    My friend's wife was presenting herself as someone she absolutely wasn't.
    What do you mean? How was she presenting herself?

    Also, I'm curious to know...if this was on a gaming forum, does that mean this was all happening through private messages? And has "your friend" read the actual content of these messages, or was this just conveyed second-hand? How did all this get discovered?

    (hope I don't come across as annoyingly interrogative or anything, I'm just trying to get a clearer understanding of the whole situation)

  8. #3128
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mantra View Post
    What do you mean? How was she presenting herself?

    Also, I'm curious to know...if this was on a gaming forum, does that mean this was all happening through private messages? And has "your friend" read the actual content of these messages, or was this just conveyed second-hand? How did all this get discovered?

    (hope I don't come across as annoyingly interrogative or anything, I'm just trying to get a clearer understanding of the whole situation)
    xxxxxxxxxxx
    Last edited by elevenism; 12-28-2019 at 01:48 AM.

  9. #3129
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    Quote Originally Posted by elevenism View Post
    she was presenting herself as unmarried. She lives with, and takes care of, her sick mother. She works as a nurse, sixteen hours a day, helping the helpless.
    In reality, she just lays there.

    My friend actually read all of the messages.

    His heart is broken. She is gone, but promises to come back.

    They weren't LIVING, my friend and his wife. Rather, they were just existing. She watched her shows- same shows, over and over, on her tablet, with headphones in. She rarely bathed.

    But in the messages, she's this wonderful, active person.

    Maybe this was nothing more than a cry for help. She says she only loves Inevele.

    The dude with whom she exchanged the messages- he lives in fucking Quebec. She wasn't about to...She can't even get IN to Canada.

    Msinevele and his wife: their lives are insanely fucked up. Perhaps this wakes them up.

    Edit: and yes, private messages
    Man. That's sad. I'm really sorry to hear about all that dude.

    I do think this three week online "relationship" doesn't actually sound like it was some super serious thing on her part. Pretty sure for her this was nothing more than an escapist fantasy. People do that, especially when they're feeling really down about themselves or feel like their lives are just not what they’d hoped for. They respond to feeling stuck in a bad situation by escaping into some dreamy alternate life that's maybe closer to what they actually want. Like it’s interesting that she made up all that stuff about being a super hardworking nurse who cares for her sick mom, because that kinda tells you something about how she feels about herself and how she would like to be viewed instead. It just sounds like maybe she's depressed, so this was like a little daydream to entertain herself for a bit, and maybe also a way to get some sympathy that she’s wanting.

    I'm not saying that means it's all cool and fine, or that it isn't still incredibly hurtful to discover. But I also don't know that it necessarily needs to be viewed as a fucking atomic bomb on the whole marriage. Seems like it should be salvageable, I mean, so long as that's actually what everyone actually wants.

    I do think she's right about needing a big change. From reading your posts over the years, I’ve often gotten the impression that, um, “your friend and his wife” had been dealt a lot of shitty hands and gone through some really hard times. Like I know there’s been a lot of health problems and stuff, not to mention the drug issues you mentioned. Other struggles too. That stuff can really take a toll on people, even people who genuinely love each other. If the root of this whole recent thing with her is a sense of dissatisfaction and an overall feeling of being stuck in a rut, then yeah, the only solution is change.

  10. #3130
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    Thanks, @Mantra , and all of you guys. i wasn't going to bring this up here...

    ...xxx...self destroying message
    Last edited by elevenism; 12-28-2019 at 01:49 AM.

  11. #3131
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    I hope your friend and his wife turn it around. Believe me, I know how life's bullshit can take a toll on marriage.

  12. #3132
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    Oh hai, I’m back.

    Coming up to two years now with this guy. It’s crazy.

  13. #3133
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    Quote Originally Posted by elevenism View Post
    Thanks, @Mantra , and all of you guys. i wasn't going to bring this up here, but you know what?

    you guys are my fucking people.

    and i think you're absolutely right. i think it WAS just an escapist fantasy, because our lives are a living hell.

    I think my, ahem, "friend," and his wife, may even...this might have been just what they needed.

    It's going to be hard to rebuild trust, but, we need to grow. We've been SO. FUCKING. STAGNANT, for so long.

    Massive changes are in order. so either we grow together, and get through them together, or we don't.

    Big love to you guys for the advice.
    Thanks man.

    And yeah, it's actually pretty nice that you guys have both of each other for support during all this, even though there's been this painful stuff that's come up between you guys now. It's just incredibly hard to change one's life (speaking as someone who's repeatedly failed to do so for years now), especially if you're all alone, so it'll be nice if you guys can kinda pull through this as a team. Just makes it easier to have someone.

    I think when she gets back you guys really need to have some long, serious talks about your relationship and your lives and what you guys need to do going forward. You probably don't want to just talk about "change" in some general sense, but rather hammer out a number of specific goals that you're gonna start pushing for. Just my two cents.

  14. #3134
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    Quote Originally Posted by slave2thewage View Post
    Oh hai, I’m back.

    Coming up to two years now with this guy. It’s crazy.
    missed you, bitch <3

  15. #3135
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    Quote Originally Posted by slave2thewage View Post
    Oh hai, I’m back.

    Coming up to two years now with this guy. It’s crazy.
    good god. Time seems to be speeding up. I can't believe you'd been gone that long!

  16. #3136
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    How do you court a lady in 2020? I’ve tried everything; dating apps, friends of friends, going out and meeting people the old fashioned way... Everyone seems so defensive and walled off these days. I really don’t think it’s me, but I’m having no luck. I’ve been trying for almost a year. Please help.

  17. #3137
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    Quote Originally Posted by NIN64 View Post
    How do you court a lady in 2020? I’ve tried everything; dating apps, friends of friends, going out and meeting people the old fashioned way... Everyone seems so defensive and walled off these days. I really don’t think it’s me, but I’m having no luck. I’ve been trying for almost a year. Please help.
    I don't want to say it, but you might want to look outside the box. And by that, I mean try a different city/state. I know it seems nuts at first, but if you're patient enough, it works.

    I was in a relationship from 2010-2016. When my relationship ended, I was in the same boat as you. I found the dating scene had changed so much in those 6 years, and it's almost like I was at a disadvantage when it came to me to start looking again. I tried everything you mentioned, even going out of my comfort zone to strike up conversations with strangers, and to be honest, that was the hardest of all, and yielded the worst results. People look at you like you have a hidden agenda or are up to something. Nobody does "small talk" anymore.

    Anyway, someone told me to "look outside the box" and look in a different city/part of the world. And I said, "rubbish! I don't believe in long distance relationships!" Well, long story short, I found myself in one lol. Met a girl from Montreal while I was out in Vancouver. I ended up paying for a goth/alternative website membership to a site and there was rubbish in my town on the site, but saw her profile in the "new members" section, only clicked in it because it said she was in Quebec and I was actually heading to Quebec that summer for the Rammstein show. We started talking, exchanged numbers, she agreed to meet me and show me around Montreal when I was there in summer 2016. We decided to try the "long distance" thing and then a year later, summer 2017, she moved here and has been here since.

    I'm just as shocked as you. Told myself I would never ever do long distance, and here I was doing a LD relationship, lol. Not gonna lie... was one of the HARDEST things I ever accomplished in my life. LD is hard. But if you are patient and determined to make it work, good things come to those who can push though the loneliness. Think outside the box, might seem like a crazy idea at first, but ya never know. Good luck!

  18. #3138
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    Quote Originally Posted by ManBurning View Post
    I don't want to say it, but you might want to look outside the box. And by that, I mean try a different city/state. I know it seems nuts at first, but if you're patient enough, it works.

    I was in a relationship from 2010-2016. When my relationship ended, I was in the same boat as you. I found the dating scene had changed so much in those 6 years, and it's almost like I was at a disadvantage when it came to me to start looking again. I tried everything you mentioned, even going out of my comfort zone to strike up conversations with strangers, and to be honest, that was the hardest of all, and yielded the worst results. People look at you like you have a hidden agenda or are up to something. Nobody does "small talk" anymore.

    Anyway, someone told me to "look outside the box" and look in a different city/part of the world. And I said, "rubbish! I don't believe in long distance relationships!" Well, long story short, I found myself in one lol. Met a girl from Montreal while I was out in Vancouver. I ended up paying for a goth/alternative website membership to a site and there was rubbish in my town on the site, but saw her profile in the "new members" section, only clicked in it because it said she was in Quebec and I was actually heading to Quebec that summer for the Rammstein show. We started talking, exchanged numbers, she agreed to meet me and show me around Montreal when I was there in summer 2016. We decided to try the "long distance" thing and then a year later, summer 2017, she moved here and has been here since.

    I'm just as shocked as you. Told myself I would never ever do long distance, and here I was doing a LD relationship, lol. Not gonna lie... was one of the HARDEST things I ever accomplished in my life. LD is hard. But if you are patient and determined to make it work, good things come to those who can push though the loneliness. Think outside the box, might seem like a crazy idea at first, but ya never know. Good luck!

    You’ve known me for, what, over 10 years and you’ve never asked me to be in a long distance relationship with you, you bastard.

  19. #3139
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    Quote Originally Posted by Erneuert View Post
    You’ve known me for, what, over 10 years and you’ve never asked me to be in a long distance relationship with you, you bastard.
    lol. Hey man, I tried reaching out to you to hang out when I was in Sydney 5 years ago, and you failed to respond to me, lol.

  20. #3140
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    I did? lol, whoops... *backs out of thread slowly*

  21. #3141
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    I've been out of the loop regarding dating for nearly 10 years (long story short i was dealing with heavy depression and i thought dating/bringing someone into that wouldn't be a good thing)
    I'm finally at an OK(ish) head space and keep flirting with the idea of maybe getting back into online dating...but i'm not sure i need a partner or just some good friends, but looking outside the box and intrigued me.

  22. #3142
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    Last week I was offered a big promotion that requires us to move back to Illinois. Officially accepted the position yesterday. Now we’re getting ready to get the house we just purchased back on the market. And this morning my fiancé tells me she’s pregnant.



    Life comes at you pretty fast.

  23. #3143
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bachy View Post
    Last week I was offered a big promotion that requires us to move back to Illinois. Officially accepted the position yesterday. Now we’re getting ready to get the house we just purchased back on the market. And this morning my fiancé tells me she’s pregnant.



    Life comes at you pretty fast.
    It certainly does, and a lot sooner than you'd think. But that's also the point of it being pretty fast. Unfortunately that's sometimes the case when the realization of whatever also arrives far too late. There's so much stuff in my 30s that's kicking my ass right now from my 20s, from "What was I thinking?" to "Oh shit. Now I fucking get it."

    Anyway, all the best.

    And sorry. I just don't have anything to add, since I'm still single. Not that I stopped trying, but I've been rejected so much. There might've been an instance where I had a chance, but one of the deal-breakers was from me not wanting children, and in some cases, me being too old or too young. *All with in legal ages, among consenting adults. It's just that most people I've pursued would rather date under 10 or 5 year gaps when it comes to age disparity.* (I also still don't think I can claim to be 100% childfree after looking into it more and more, but I still lean towards the decision to not have children.) I'm also wondering about my stance on marriage, as I'm no longer having marriage as my main goal for relationships these days too. (Having a religious background/upbringing will do that to you.)

    If I find "the one" and if we have lived together long enough with an excellent rapport including mutual respect and trust, perhaps marriage might be a possibility some day, but I'm certainly in no rush to get married, nor is marriage top-priority of mine either.

    Another thing that's also blowing my mind in absolute awe is that in spite of me always wanting to play it safe while yearning for a simple/quiet life, even relationships and dating in general are a risk. Of course, some risks are meant to be taken and well worth it and all that good stuff, and some risks are even mandatory in order to lead a normal life, but damn. Even I'm willing to actually take this risk even in spite of not wanting children right now. Having my heart broken scares me to death, but it also seems like a worse death for me to always hide in isolation for the rest of my life. (Even if solitude and privacy has its perks here and there.)

    I suppose it's also stems from a nagging curiosity that drives me as somebody that's also never experienced what it's like to love and be loved outside the realm of speculation and imagination/dreams. One thing's for sure, is that I'm still not giving up, as crazy as that admittedly sounds and probably is.
    Last edited by Halo Infinity; Today at 01:12 AM.

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