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Thread: The Relationship Thread

  1. #3061
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    So my date a few weeks ago with the wonderful woman I’m moving in with couldn’t have gone better. It was the first time being together face to face in about three years so I was understandably nervous. Though all the nerves melted away the moment she opened the door and we embraced. We had such a fun time together. I still got that feeling of electricity up my spine the moment we held hands, much like the first time. I can’t wait to see her again.

  2. #3062
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    The Relationship Thread

    Work consumes me, unfortunately. I consider myself a dapper gentleman but I don’t seem to have time to fuel the fire relationship wise.
    Last edited by AngrySniper; 05-21-2018 at 10:27 PM.

  3. #3063
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    I'm realizing a relationship/friendship that was in my life for years and years was a lot more toxic than I ever realized, and it's giving me weird clarity around my own actions that I didn't have before (the tl;dr of it is that maybe I was much less bad than I thought I was, this shit seriously lowered my opinion of myself for like... the past 5 years).

    I was talking about this stuff with my mom tonight, and I was describing how I felt about this person... that their mental health, which they refused to seek external help for, felt like knowing someone with a broken leg who never saw a doctor, treated it themselves, but if we then went on a walk would go "How dare you ask me to go on a walk! You KNOW my leg is broken." when their leg started hurting.

    And my mom points out that the leg hurting and their reaction to the pain are two different things, and that some people would just say that their leg was hurting and that they needed to stop.

  4. #3064
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    Quote Originally Posted by playwithfire View Post
    I'm realizing a relationship/friendship that was in my life for years and years was a lot more toxic than I ever realized, and it's giving me weird clarity around my own actions that I didn't have before (the tl;dr of it is that maybe I was much less bad than I thought I was, this shit seriously lowered my opinion of myself for like... the past 5 years).

    I was talking about this stuff with my mom tonight, and I was describing how I felt about this person... that their mental health, which they refused to seek external help for, felt like knowing someone with a broken leg who never saw a doctor, treated it themselves, but if we then went on a walk would go "How dare you ask me to go on a walk! You KNOW my leg is broken." when their leg started hurting.

    And my mom points out that the leg hurting and their reaction to the pain are two different things, and that some people would just say that their leg was hurting and that they needed to stop.
    Feeling this. I still haven't figured out the best way to engage with a person I'm close with in my life who has untreated mental illness.

    It's a difficult thing, cause I do feel you have to respect their autonomy and independence. You can't insist that that they seek out help, obviously. Also, sometimes it takes people a while to go through the motions and process things before they arrive at the point when they're ready to seek some kind of treatment. So even though I'll make little mentions of it here and there, I've always been reluctant to push them too strongly. But then I doubt myself and wonder if maybe I'm being a shitty friend. Maybe what they really need is someone who will assertively steer them in the right direction, and here I am letting them down. But then again, if the person really doesn't want to, that is their right, and you don't want to piss them off or alienate them.

    So I don't know, I just go round and round in my head trying to work through this. It's tough. I think your mom's observation that the "leg hurting" and their reaction are two separate things is really smart though. I think it's good that you're processing through some of this stuff. It's weird how it can sometimes take years to get any real perspective on something.

  5. #3065
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    It's been some weird epiphanies, for sure.

    Yeah, I can't keep them in my life anymore. They're incredibly toxic to me. I'm pretty positive there is some undiagnosed personality disorder stuff there, where they have zero empathy for my intent with interactions with them, and instead, there is only a multitude of ways I have hurt them. Some stuff that every other person I have EVER recounted this stuff to has gone "it sounds like they're really overreacting." It's their prerogative to get help or not get help, but I can't be a part of the only dynamic that has ever made me question if I'm a good person, anymore.

  6. #3066
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    Sometimes you just have to accept that a relationship is over. There's no point trying to fix it because it's irreparably broken. Time to move on. Other fish in the sea.

  7. #3067
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    I found a new boyfriend. I don't have to be miserable anymore. Out with the old, in with the new.

  8. #3068
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    Working out my relationship with my friend-with-benefits. He cares about me, and I care about him, but we have different needs that we have to address before we dive head first into an official relationship. I'm also about to come out to the rest of my family and friends, so that's pretty crazy, but it's definitely time.

  9. #3069
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    Quote Originally Posted by BRoswell View Post
    Working out my relationship with my friend-with-benefits. He cares about me, and I care about him, but we have different needs that we have to address before we dive head first into an official relationship. I'm also about to come out to the rest of my family and friends, so that's pretty crazy, but it's definitely time.
    good luck! i believe in you! you're an awesome person and i have no doubt you'll be so eloquent that your family will have no choice but to accept this perfectly normal thing. <3

  10. #3070
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    I'm always close yet so far!

    The girl I've been talking to and seeing (even had Thanksgiving with her family the Sunday prior to the holiday) since September is getting very unresponsive and distant in the past month and it's bumming me out so much. We had a talk that she is in an odd place currently (she was 150% full on with wanting to be with me early on) so she can't give her all towards me or what I deserve at this very moment and second. She is appreciative and glad for my affections, words and attention but is currently battling lingering feelings of her previous ex (broke up shortly before we spoke, a dude with whom she won't be with again as he doesn't live here) and being in a certain mood/mindset with her life.

    I am so fucking ready to be with this girl. I have so much time and heart invested into her that my soul will be crushed if things die. She told me not to wait up if other opportunities come along but frankly I WANT HER and no one else. I have to actively seek out another woman due to my schedule and routines. I'm fine with how things are and I am patient and will wait till whenever she is ready. She has expressed we'd be a great couple that'd work and she finds me physically attractive to want to sleep together. She's very honest and open but waiting is tearing me apart when we had something fiery and its a slow burning ember now that needs another stroked flame to set it ablaze. I'm in hope her fleeting emotions and current stagnant mindset recedes because I'm aching. I hope things get on the right path early on in 2018, but I'm not quite sure.

    I'm such a whiner.

  11. #3071
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    This isn't related to anything romantic as far as me, it's to do with friend instead but man one of the cool things about approaching 30 is you get some friends who are married couples. I have a couple of sets of friends who are married to each other and fuck, they're delightful and sometimes you get to hang out with them like as a pair and it's just really nice!
    Last edited by playwithfire; 12-29-2017 at 03:06 PM.

  12. #3072
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    I'm keenly aware that feelings are going to feeling and that ooh look at me I'm a fancy human not ruled by my emotions but god I wish unrequited-romantic-feelings didn't make me such an idiot about shit sometimes.

  13. #3073
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    Northern Minnesota where the majority of the lakes are and seemingly no women my age with whom to date, at least not that I come into contact with. Small city blues has got me down. Other than the few people i've known for ever that live here everyone else I work with or know are about a decade younger than i am anyhow. I joke about turning 40 and finally being old, but some days it really feels that way.

  14. #3074
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  15. #3075
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    don't think those will show up for most people (including me, since i deactivated my fb). you can post the image URLs directly and they should show up, though.

    also, hope you and amanda are doing well!

  16. #3076
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    I think I'm maybe trying to get back into dating. Or, get more properly into it than I have been, previously. Because I'm terrible at dating. It's such a weird, silly, sometimes necessary evil that is sometimes enjoyable but maaaaaaan.

  17. #3077
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    I would like to see these pics!

    I was married almost two years ago. The wedding parties walked down the isle to the title track (opener) from Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness (the piano piece) and I did the garter toss and removal to Closer. It was my way of incorporating music that means a ton to me into a very important day. Glad my wife is a good sport

  18. #3078
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    I don't care if I'm alone on Valentine's Day. I just want my back pain to go away. That's all I ask. When you don't have your health, nothing else matters.

  19. #3079
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    Quote Originally Posted by Space Suicide View Post
    I'm always close yet so far!

    The girl I've been talking to and seeing (even had Thanksgiving with her family the Sunday prior to the holiday) since September is getting very unresponsive and distant in the past month and it's bumming me out so much. We had a talk that she is in an odd place currently (she was 150% full on with wanting to be with me early on) so she can't give her all towards me or what I deserve at this very moment and second. She is appreciative and glad for my affections, words and attention but is currently battling lingering feelings of her previous ex (broke up shortly before we spoke, a dude with whom she won't be with again as he doesn't live here) and being in a certain mood/mindset with her life.

    I am so fucking ready to be with this girl. I have so much time and heart invested into her that my soul will be crushed if things die. She told me not to wait up if other opportunities come along but frankly I WANT HER and no one else. I have to actively seek out another woman due to my schedule and routines. I'm fine with how things are and I am patient and will wait till whenever she is ready. She has expressed we'd be a great couple that'd work and she finds me physically attractive to want to sleep together. She's very honest and open but waiting is tearing me apart when we had something fiery and its a slow burning ember now that needs another stroked flame to set it ablaze. I'm in hope her fleeting emotions and current stagnant mindset recedes because I'm aching. I hope things get on the right path early on in 2018, but I'm not quite sure.

    I'm such a whiner.
    I don’t care for the bs tomorrow usually brings but I’m hurting this time over it. I hate it.

    I’ll try and self medicate and play Putting Holes In Happiness in loop like a cheesey loser.
    Last edited by Space Suicide; 02-13-2018 at 04:41 PM.

  20. #3080
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    Its been two years out for me, we broke up two years ago from a seven year relationship. It was a bad break up we said a lot of horrible shit to each other but I thought she would come back but I guess I was wrong. I felt betrayed by her. I have always felt that Valentines Day is a cruel trick on society because if you are in a relationship there is all this pressure to make it very special and you can't possibly live up to the hype and it is a perfect set up for an argument. However if you are not in a relationship it is designed to make you feel like a loser because you don't have anybody. To me its a lose/lose situation.

    The older I get though relationships just don't seem that important to me anymore, when I was younger it was so important now it feels like relationships are so much work, only to end up broken hearted and missing somebody who doesn't want you in their life anymore. I think with age you begin to just not give a fuck about anything, I use to worry about what people thought of me, now I really don't give a fuck.

    I think that is the key to life as you get older you just stop caring about stupid shit. I'm perfectly fine being a hermit with two cats and a tarantula.

  21. #3081
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    Quote Originally Posted by Space Suicide View Post
    I'm always close yet so far!

    The girl I've been talking to and seeing (even had Thanksgiving with her family the Sunday prior to the holiday) since September is getting very unresponsive and distant in the past month and it's bumming me out so much. We had a talk that she is in an odd place currently (she was 150% full on with wanting to be with me early on) so she can't give her all towards me or what I deserve at this very moment and second. She is appreciative and glad for my affections, words and attention but is currently battling lingering feelings of her previous ex (broke up shortly before we spoke, a dude with whom she won't be with again as he doesn't live here) and being in a certain mood/mindset with her life.

    I am so fucking ready to be with this girl. I have so much time and heart invested into her that my soul will be crushed if things die. She told me not to wait up if other opportunities come along but frankly I WANT HER and no one else. I have to actively seek out another woman due to my schedule and routines. I'm fine with how things are and I am patient and will wait till whenever she is ready. She has expressed we'd be a great couple that'd work and she finds me physically attractive to want to sleep together. She's very honest and open but waiting is tearing me apart when we had something fiery and its a slow burning ember now that needs another stroked flame to set it ablaze. I'm in hope her fleeting emotions and current stagnant mindset recedes because I'm aching. I hope things get on the right path early on in 2018, but I'm not quite sure.

    I'm such a whiner.
    Quote Originally Posted by Space Suicide View Post
    I don’t care for the bs tomorrow usually brings but I’m hurting this time over it. I hate it.

    I’ll try and self medicate and play Putting Holes In Happiness in loop like a cheesey loser.
    Still in the same situation?

    Honestly man, if you don't mind me throwing in my 2 cents, she sounds like trouble. That sort of behaviour implies that her romantic feelings are tied up with this other guy, whether it could actually be consummated or not. I also wouldn't trust her in a relationship if she's that reluctant to be with you due to feelings for another man - there's an imbalance there right from the start. Personally, if there's no sort of overture for Valentine's Day, I'd hop on a dating site.

    Sorry if that's an unwanted or harsh viewpoint, but I figure posting in this thread kind of invites that!

  22. #3082
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    Quote Originally Posted by Vertigo View Post
    Still in the same situation?

    Honestly man, if you don't mind me throwing in my 2 cents, she sounds like trouble. That sort of behaviour implies that her romantic feelings are tied up with this other guy, whether it could actually be consummated or not. I also wouldn't trust her in a relationship if she's that reluctant to be with you due to feelings for another man - there's an imbalance there right from the start. Personally, if there's no sort of overture for Valentine's Day, I'd hop on a dating site.

    Sorry if that's an unwanted or harsh viewpoint, but I figure posting in this thread kind of invites that!
    Yeah for the most part.

    Nah, I fully understand and get that reasoning for your post. However she's not telling me to stay around for her. That's MY own choice. She's still 100% by her stance for me finding another girl since she's not ready and won't know when. She told me straight up I deserve someone that'll be as nice and take care of me as much as I would to whomever. The fact she even said that to me makes me know it's genuine. We didn't play games or tiptoe around issues ever, even from the very first day. She's dry, blunt and honest. It's refreshing honestly since I don't have to have what if or what? games going on. I'm an open man and always have been so it's something I applaud and admire.

    I won't do the typical "she's not like others" stuff but I do genuinely know how her position is. I ended a 3 year relationship in mid 2016 and I hurt and had lingering feelings for my ex while trying to see other women. None of them ever ended well. I'm fine now and found this wonderful woman but it won't advance. It's just frustrating. I know her position and I know it'll pass in time. Minus my built up feelings, I know the eventual reward is worth it.

    As for Valentine's Day, I never held any real high regards for it since it's stereotypical shit for money raking and selling but sometimes my mind just wanders to pleasantries.
    Last edited by Space Suicide; 02-13-2018 at 06:11 PM.

  23. #3083
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    Alright. So I'm in my 30s, gay, never been in a real relationship. Just dating and sexual relationships. It never really bothered me before, but as nearly all my (straight) friends are married I'm starting to feel like an oddball. Anybody else been in the same boat?

  24. #3084
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    Quote Originally Posted by Pillfred View Post
    Northern Minnesota where the majority of the lakes are and seemingly no women my age with whom to date, at least not that I come into contact with. Small city blues has got me down. Other than the few people i've known for ever that live here everyone else I work with or know are about a decade younger than i am anyhow. I joke about turning 40 and finally being old, but some days it really feels that way.
    My uncle, who’s now 40 something, has lived in Chisholm for some decades. He dated maybe a few women in that time (that we the family are aware of anyway), and had his only child in the last few years. I can’t remember the mother’s age, but she’s a good bit younger than him.

    If I were you, I would try a lot of online dating pools (if you haven’t already), extending the radius generously. If that doesn’t help your cause, I’d probably consider leaving for grander sights and the unknown.
    Last edited by Amaro; 02-15-2018 at 05:45 AM.

  25. #3085
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    Quote Originally Posted by Pillfred View Post
    Northern Minnesota where the majority of the lakes are and seemingly no women my age with whom to date, at least not that I come into contact with. Small city blues has got me down. Other than the few people i've known for ever that live here everyone else I work with or know are about a decade younger than i am anyhow. I joke about turning 40 and finally being old, but some days it really feels that way.
    I lived in Park Rapids for 3 years, with a partner, and it was the loneliest I'd ever been in my life. I honestly don't understand how people live where once it snows you don't see the ground for 4 months.

  26. #3086
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    Quote Originally Posted by Pbgut View Post
    Alright. So I'm in my 30s, gay, never been in a real relationship. Just dating and sexual relationships. It never really bothered me before, but as nearly all my (straight) friends are married I'm starting to feel like an oddball. Anybody else been in the same boat?
    my best friend is 37, also gay, didn't lose his virginity until his 20's, has had only one serious relationship (and that didn't last long). he's perfectly happy this way, just refuses to settle. nothing odd about that.

  27. #3087
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    Quote Originally Posted by kel View Post
    my best friend is 37, also gay, didn't lose his virginity until his 20's, has had only one serious relationship (and that didn't last long). he's perfectly happy this way, just refuses to settle. nothing odd about that.
    thanks kel

  28. #3088
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    Quote Originally Posted by Substance242 View Post
    So, I have this woman coworker, beautiful, smart, funny, attractive... We go to lunch together sometimes (she asked, I wouldn't dare to), have a great time, extend the lunch to go buy something, share stories or pictures (she's not on social media at all), she bought me a very good book for my birthday, I insert little invisible jokes in e-mails knowing she will get it, or I set my communicator status to something and she WILL try to figure that out, I am jealous when I hear her laugh and I wasn't the one who caused that (stupid, right? heh)... this has to stop. She's married with children and I can not afford to lose my mind, my health and sobriety are priority number one. I'm not saying something could happen, but I can't keep doing this and I have to turn her down a bit... damn. :-( I'd gladly be friend with her if I was emotionally and sexually saturated, but this is impossible, fuck. And it's not fair, she can return to her family and I then return to an empty house and can't help but think about her. "Tracks will fade in the snow, you won't find me here..."

    And I am awake since 5 a.m., much before I need to, with a boner and trying to stop having fantasies with her...

    Update: So, I managed to tell her something like "I'm sorry but I have to avoid you a little bit", and she answered "Thank you for deciding that also for me" - what on earth was that supposed to mean? Damn... :-(
    it means that you should be capable of being friends with a woman without having sexual fantasies about her, dude. seriously. this myth that men can't be friends with women without wanting to bone them is pervasive and completely false. value your friendship instead of being frustrated that you can't bone her.

  29. #3089
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    Quote Originally Posted by Pbgut View Post
    Alright. So I'm in my 30s, gay, never been in a real relationship. Just dating and sexual relationships. It never really bothered me before, but as nearly all my (straight) friends are married I'm starting to feel like an oddball. Anybody else been in the same boat?
    I've been going steady for 14 years and the vast majority of people I know are in mismatched relationships. Keep doing what's best for you and you will never regret it, I have Friends like yourself and they are the happier ones. It is a part of life where you have to be honest and self centred, status anxiety and comparing yourself leads down dark roads

  30. #3090
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    it just occurred to me that i've been with my wife for almost six years. SIX fucking years.
    and we still love each other and treat one another with respect and i'm pretty sure neither of us is going anywhere.
    i think this is "it" for me.
    That thought comes with both joy and fear, but mostly joy and especially comfort.

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