don't get me started. now get off of my lawn!
don't get me started. now get off of my lawn!
To continue with my pity-party I have become super introverted following an unusual amount of loss including, but not limited to, two of my closest friends (practically brothers) committing suicide and my mom dying suddenly from terminal cancer... I am clinically depressed and was diagnosed with PTSD. I don't really have any friends anymore and my remaining family is not very close. My depression is what led to my wife leaving me. . .
Jesus Christ everything about everything is so good right now. February of this year was the darkest year of my life, and to bounce back to this time period being the most fulfilling in every single way (emotionally, mentally, sexually) is absolutely incredible. I've never been so happy in my life and it absolutely terrifies me, I didn't know it was possible to be this happy and it feels way too good to be true.
my wife and i celebrated 5 years of marriage on saturday. didn't do anything crazy (just our usual trip to an apple orchard & downtown woodstock, IL) but had a nice weekend enjoying each other's company. and it was a hell of a lot better than last year...woof.
the above picture is from our engagement shoot at the botanic gardens in january 2014.
and here's an apple pickin' photo from saturday!
.....
Last edited by elevenism; 12-28-2019 at 12:45 AM.
It's difficult, as an online relationship indicates it's more emotional, but with the potential for physical. What's often difficult for some to appreciate, is that who you were 6-10 years ago may not be the same person you have become today. I speak from experience.
If the drug abuse wasn't a habit early in the relationship, that's a new factor that the other partner didn't sign up for. Regardless, the onus is on both parties to communicate their displeasure of the evolved relationship, rather than seeking new connections elsewhere.
Does that warrant severing everything immediately? Not necessarily. It depends on how the SO communicates. Can the two work towards being a better relationship? That requires a conversation that's brutally honest and truthful. What sucks is that the trust is broken, and that takes time and dedication to repair. If the SO is truly apologetic and willing to work towards building a better relationship, I think that's a conversation worth having.
- let's call him Ms. Inevele- the "you" in this tale of ennui. He's got a bit of a drug problem, but he's damn sure willing to work on it.
@Magnetic , Inevele dabbled in opiates in the beginning, but, it's sort of gotten out of hand.
Last edited by elevenism; 12-18-2019 at 11:40 AM.
When you say "online relationship," what do you mean? How serious was this?
As much as it’s going to hurt, I’d say end it because if someone is willing to cheat, they’ll keep cheating.
I’m sorry.
What do you mean? How was she presenting herself?
Also, I'm curious to know...if this was on a gaming forum, does that mean this was all happening through private messages? And has "your friend" read the actual content of these messages, or was this just conveyed second-hand? How did all this get discovered?
(hope I don't come across as annoyingly interrogative or anything, I'm just trying to get a clearer understanding of the whole situation)
Man. That's sad. I'm really sorry to hear about all that dude.
I do think this three week online "relationship" doesn't actually sound like it was some super serious thing on her part. Pretty sure for her this was nothing more than an escapist fantasy. People do that, especially when they're feeling really down about themselves or feel like their lives are just not what they’d hoped for. They respond to feeling stuck in a bad situation by escaping into some dreamy alternate life that's maybe closer to what they actually want. Like it’s interesting that she made up all that stuff about being a super hardworking nurse who cares for her sick mom, because that kinda tells you something about how she feels about herself and how she would like to be viewed instead. It just sounds like maybe she's depressed, so this was like a little daydream to entertain herself for a bit, and maybe also a way to get some sympathy that she’s wanting.
I'm not saying that means it's all cool and fine, or that it isn't still incredibly hurtful to discover. But I also don't know that it necessarily needs to be viewed as a fucking atomic bomb on the whole marriage. Seems like it should be salvageable, I mean, so long as that's actually what everyone actually wants.
I do think she's right about needing a big change. From reading your posts over the years, I’ve often gotten the impression that, um, “your friend and his wife” had been dealt a lot of shitty hands and gone through some really hard times. Like I know there’s been a lot of health problems and stuff, not to mention the drug issues you mentioned. Other struggles too. That stuff can really take a toll on people, even people who genuinely love each other. If the root of this whole recent thing with her is a sense of dissatisfaction and an overall feeling of being stuck in a rut, then yeah, the only solution is change.
Thanks, @Mantra , and all of you guys. i wasn't going to bring this up here...
...xxx...self destroying message
Last edited by elevenism; 12-28-2019 at 12:49 AM.
I hope your friend and his wife turn it around. Believe me, I know how life's bullshit can take a toll on marriage.
Oh hai, I’m back.
Coming up to two years now with this guy. It’s crazy.
Thanks man.
And yeah, it's actually pretty nice that you guys have both of each other for support during all this, even though there's been this painful stuff that's come up between you guys now. It's just incredibly hard to change one's life (speaking as someone who's repeatedly failed to do so for years now), especially if you're all alone, so it'll be nice if you guys can kinda pull through this as a team. Just makes it easier to have someone.
I think when she gets back you guys really need to have some long, serious talks about your relationship and your lives and what you guys need to do going forward. You probably don't want to just talk about "change" in some general sense, but rather hammer out a number of specific goals that you're gonna start pushing for. Just my two cents.
How do you court a lady in 2020? I’ve tried everything; dating apps, friends of friends, going out and meeting people the old fashioned way... Everyone seems so defensive and walled off these days. I really don’t think it’s me, but I’m having no luck. I’ve been trying for almost a year. Please help.
I don't want to say it, but you might want to look outside the box. And by that, I mean try a different city/state. I know it seems nuts at first, but if you're patient enough, it works.
I was in a relationship from 2010-2016. When my relationship ended, I was in the same boat as you. I found the dating scene had changed so much in those 6 years, and it's almost like I was at a disadvantage when it came to me to start looking again. I tried everything you mentioned, even going out of my comfort zone to strike up conversations with strangers, and to be honest, that was the hardest of all, and yielded the worst results. People look at you like you have a hidden agenda or are up to something. Nobody does "small talk" anymore.
Anyway, someone told me to "look outside the box" and look in a different city/part of the world. And I said, "rubbish! I don't believe in long distance relationships!" Well, long story short, I found myself in one lol. Met a girl from Montreal while I was out in Vancouver. I ended up paying for a goth/alternative website membership to a site and there was rubbish in my town on the site, but saw her profile in the "new members" section, only clicked in it because it said she was in Quebec and I was actually heading to Quebec that summer for the Rammstein show. We started talking, exchanged numbers, she agreed to meet me and show me around Montreal when I was there in summer 2016. We decided to try the "long distance" thing and then a year later, summer 2017, she moved here and has been here since.
I'm just as shocked as you. Told myself I would never ever do long distance, and here I was doing a LD relationship, lol. Not gonna lie... was one of the HARDEST things I ever accomplished in my life. LD is hard. But if you are patient and determined to make it work, good things come to those who can push though the loneliness. Think outside the box, might seem like a crazy idea at first, but ya never know. Good luck!
I did? lol, whoops... *backs out of thread slowly*
I've been out of the loop regarding dating for nearly 10 years (long story short i was dealing with heavy depression and i thought dating/bringing someone into that wouldn't be a good thing)
I'm finally at an OK(ish) head space and keep flirting with the idea of maybe getting back into online dating...but i'm not sure i need a partner or just some good friends, but looking outside the box and intrigued me.
It certainly does, and a lot sooner than you'd think. But that's also the point of it being pretty fast. Unfortunately that's sometimes the case when the realization of whatever also arrives far too late. There's so much stuff in my 30s that's kicking my ass right now from my 20s, from "What was I thinking?" to "Oh shit. Now I fucking get it."
Anyway, all the best.
And sorry. I just don't have anything to add, since I'm still single. Not that I stopped trying, but I've been rejected so much. There might've been an instance where I had a chance, but one of the deal-breakers was from me not wanting children, and in some cases, me being too old or too young. *All with in legal ages, among consenting adults. It's just that most people I've pursued would rather date under 10 or 5 year gaps when it comes to age disparity.* (I also still don't think I can claim to be 100% childfree after looking into it more and more, but I still lean towards the decision to not have children.) I'm also wondering about my stance on marriage, as I'm no longer having marriage as my main goal for relationships these days too. (Having a religious background/upbringing will do that to you.)
If I find "the one" and if we have lived together long enough with an excellent rapport including mutual respect and trust, perhaps marriage might be a possibility some day, but I'm certainly in no rush to get married, nor is marriage top-priority of mine either.
Another thing that's also blowing my mind in absolute awe is that in spite of me always wanting to play it safe while yearning for a simple/quiet life, even relationships and dating in general are a risk. Of course, some risks are meant to be taken and well worth it and all that good stuff, and some risks are even mandatory in order to lead a normal life, but damn. Even I'm willing to actually take this risk even in spite of not wanting children right now. Having my heart broken scares me to death, but it also seems like a worse death for me to always hide in isolation for the rest of my life. (Even if solitude and privacy has its perks here and there.)
I suppose it's also stems from a nagging curiosity that drives me as somebody that's also never experienced what it's like to love and be loved outside the realm of speculation and imagination/dreams. One thing's for sure, is that I'm still not giving up, as crazy as that admittedly sounds and probably is.
Last edited by Halo Infinity; 02-22-2020 at 12:12 AM.
Never give up, but do keep an open mind! Playing it safe, and looking for what you think you want, are recipes for disappointment. Enticing interpersonal relationships are usually randomly initiated, and not planned.
I met my wife in an online chat room a bit over 25 yeas ago, and we married on a whim after just a few months into our relationship. Holy shit was I scared! And married life at the beginning was NOT perfect. But ...
Trying to find the "perfect" companion, whatever that means, is not what matters. Taking a chance, and making a commitment, and persevering, does indeed matter. It's really a choice. Accept the limited opportunities life offers and take advantage, or rebel against them and accept the outcome. It's a choice we all make every day.