Originally Posted by
eskimo
I really like her, we're two months in and everything is going really well, I'm a little bit confused about what to do sexually with her though.
We haven't had sex, and I'm not sure if we ever will. She's said several times that we can, but the situation is complicated for me right now. I'm fine with it if we never do, and I hope to stay with her long-term regardless of whether we have sex or not.
We met on a dating site, and in her profile she had said straight up that she identifies as grey/asexual, so the lack of sex is not surprising either, but I went from just assuming this wasn't going to happen, to being quite confused by the position I'm in now regarding it. I'm not grey/asexual, and I'm confused, because when I ask her what it's like, the things she says sound so much like me, and like everyone else I've met, that I'm really confused.
And she's also said many times that we can have sex. It's not happened, but she's said we can a lot of times too. But the way she talks about it is really strange for me. Like, she says we can have sex, and she says that she's not sure what it would be like for her, because she's never had a positive sexual experience, and she doesn't even know what a healthy sexual experience would look like, but that she wants to have sex with me, because our relationship feels very different to her than any other she's had before, and she thinks that sex would probably feel very different than what she's had before too.
She has also said that she's fine with us having sex, because if it does start to feel bad to her, she can just tune out and disappear inside her head. And that sounds awful to me. She's told me about her sexual history, and she's been repeatedly sexually assaulted in almost every sexual relationship she's ever had. After we had our first kiss, she told me it was the first time she'd kissed anyone other than her kids in over 10 years. We make out a lot, and we do things that are sexual, and she really seems to be enjoying them, and says she's enjoying them.
She's also told me that she's never orgasmed, ever. She says that sometimes she'll get close but when she gets close she shuts it down and stops. I went down on her for the first time this past weekend, and she seemed to be enjoying it and suddenly told me to stop. I'm not sure if she was getting close to orgasm, or if it wasn't feeling good for her, but she stopped it either way.
So we've talked about it a lot, and we've both agreed that it's fine if we never have sex. And we've also both said to each other that we want to have sex with each other too. I don't think that she's ever going to be enthusiastic about it, which is usually what gets me going. She seems like she's got a curiosity about it, but not excitement about it.
If it happens, I want it to be good for her. I don't want her to "tune out" or to do it just for me. I know it's going to be a million miles better than her past experiences because her past experiences were pretty much all assaults, but if it happens, I want it to actually be good for her. I want her to have enjoyed it, not for it to have just been acceptable to her.
I don't know what's going to happen with that part of it. I know that she's an amazing woman though. And she seems to like me as much as I like her, so I'm hoping we can keep that feeling strong and make this last.
We're able to talk about this though, so whatever happens I'm sure we can figure it out together.