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Faceplams: Kind of depends on the crime, doesn't it?Originally Posted by ophelia_
Banned
Kind of depends on the crime, doesn't it?
Throbbing Member
That's great! I'm really happy for you, and I hope it works out
Active Member
After many years of searching, seven to be exact since I discovered Trent in February 2008, I finally met a girl who understands and enjoys a bit of Nine Inch Nails. I couldn't be happier.
Throbbing Member
One of my good friends had been engaged for about the last year and a half/two years. This is a friend that I had asked out and been rejected by, only to find out recently that she lied when she said she wasn't interested because she freaked out and got scared at the prospect of being with someone like me. And what's more, she still has feelings for me.
About a week ago, she called off her engagement (long story), then when the situation escalated later that night, she left him entirely (she has told me multiple times that while I unintentionally helped her reach that decision, I'm not "the reason" she did it). She says that if I'm still single in a month, she wants to go on a date with me (for all the relationships she's been in, she's never been on a real date).
That was the *extremely* condensed version of the story... yeah, I've had an interesting couple of weeks.
BACKROLLS?!
Yeah, had a raging argument with him when I saw him. He said there was nothing between us and I was making shit up, I said he was being an immature asshat who didn't realise he was fucking with my emotions by acting hot and cold. We cut all ties. It's been a rough few weeks, but I think it's made me stronger. I have four potential suitors now - I just have to screen them thoroughly.
I won't lie, I do wish things had turned out differently. I think he's going through a dark period in his life and this is another example of him lashing out at people getting close to him. Perhaps one day in the future I'll text him, but I just hope he gets his act together soon.
Active Member
I think you might have been trying to have a relationship with your 20 year old self. Maybe?
BACKROLLS?!
There's definitely something to this. I saw a LOT of similarities between himself and how I was then. Hell, we were able to finish each other's sentences. Maybe he needs a few more experiences to wake him up to what he's doing. I remember that he couldn't get how he was being odd with my emotions - um, he wanted us to go to Spain together for his birthday. Gurl pls.
I have a date on Thursday. My age, seems nice, likes drag queens and industrial. He's just out of a relationship, though, but he's currently my first pick out of the four.
Active Member
Apparently, pretty common. Just don't carry on too long doing. Hell, my brother sent me a link that was a professional profile of my first love from high school. Omgosh he looks so great. Yeah, but he was pretty full of himself. Moving along.
Not completely relevant to your situation, but apparently science believes there is a reason.
Breaking up does feel like kicking a habit. http://mic.com/articles/105346/can-t...-blame-science
Active Member
So my girl and I just broke up. We love each other deeply and everytime we're together it's perfect (her words), but she wanted to end things on a feeling that I'm not Mr. Right, so to speak. She's 4 years older (35) than me (31) and wants to have a family and kids really bad. So she doesn't have the time to wait and see how things go, I guess.
On top of that we're working in the same place (both teachers), which really bothered her, since no one of our collegues knows about us being together (it's going on for 8 months now and we kept it a secret all this time).
I'm kinda devastated right now, since everything seemed to work so well. Oh well... tough times ahead.
BACKROLLS?!
Had my date today, and he was... kinda really awesome. I think we're going to see each other again, since we've been texting since. Fingers crossed!
EDIT - second date is officially happening next weekend. I can't stop smiling.
Last edited by slave2thewage; 04-10-2015 at 01:32 PM.
Active Member
So how does one cope with a broken heart? I'm really in need of advice here...
Throbbing Member
get back in the gameSo how does one cope with a broken heart? I'm really in need of advice here...
Active Member
Give yourself time to grieve. They say you can physically feel terrible so just go with it. It's like a withdrawal. I'm sure it'll be doubly difficult given that you work together. You're still going to see here around, but it's best to really avoid contacting each other. If she wants it to be over, she should be respectful of giving you lots of space. Since your relationship was secret, your friends might not understand what you're going through.So how does one cope with a broken heart? I'm really in need of advice here...
I'm sorry, I know how it hurts, I've been there. I just wanted to curl into a ball. I allowed myself a little time to wallow then I started doing stuff that I might not otherwise had the time to do. Spending more time with family and friends, other activities that were my own interests and such.
Time and distance will help.
Captain Rustleboots
You dont, you can't REALLY cope. The good thing is, the pain lessons and lessons each day and there will be a day that you don't think about them at all and that will either re-break your heart or you'll feel like you won. Usually it's the latter.So how does one cope with a broken heart? I'm really in need of advice here...
Throbbing Member
When I lost The-One-That-Got-Away, I was completely inconsolable for months (neither of us handled it very well. She stopped talking to me hoping that I'd get the hint, and I tried to hang on to someone that I'd obviously lost and was in denial about what was going on for weeks). I reached a point where I wasn't exactly considering doing something drastic to myself, but I literally did not care if I didn't wake up the next day. I barely ate enough to stay alive, I didn't sleep enough, and I slipped into a deep depression and my health took a steep decline (as a Type 1 diabetic, not waking up became a very real possibility).So how does one cope with a broken heart? I'm really in need of advice here...
Luckily, I had my music. My band literally became the thing that kept me alive because, as stupid as it may sound, I had commitments with them that I felt I couldn't break. It didn't matter how depressed I was; as long as I was playing, I was the happiest I could possibly be. Granted, I would feel horrible again as soon as the show was over, but during those hours, everything else slipped away. I'd like to say it was like a 12 step program for me, but I've never been in one so I can't make that comparison in good conscience.
Finally, what helped the most was closure. I was able to talk to her (through E-Mail, but it was better than nothing) about some of the things that happened and she tried to explain what happened. We eventually exchanged our final goodbyes, and I felt like I was finally able to move on. It was still a long time before I was ready to try and date again, and there were many days when I would miss her so much that it physically hurt. But those days slowly became less and less frequent and I started to heal. It was finally another year after our final message that I thought "okay, I think I'm ready to possibly entertain the thought of considering thinking about maybe trying to date again". It's been about four years since I had that thought.
Sure, there are still days when I think about her and what it would be like if we were still together, but at least I don't break down into a pathetic mass of tears when it happens and now it's more of a "what if" scenario rather than an "I wish" one.
It all comes down, in my opinion, to time and what matters most to you in your life. Music, art, friends, family, your job, whatever it is that makes you happy can end up saving you. I can't promise that sewing the pieces of your heart back together will be easy, but it does eventually get better. I hope it's easier for you than it was for me.
she/her/hers
this saturday will be FOUR WEEKS since my wife and i have had sex. and it's like...i keep saying "i MISS you" to her (that's our way of telling each other that we want to bone) and she keeps saying "me too" but then nothing happens. i've mentioned on here that i can't really initiate things because she is so rarely in the mood and has a hard time getting herself in the mood because she's always so stressed from her job, so it's really kind of a one-sided thing. and it's not like we haven't had time together. i just start to feel so emotionally distant from her when we're not intimate, and it makes me feel terrible, but that's how i function in a relationship. i need both physical and emotional fulfillment, and i get both from each kind of intimacy, so right now things feel very unbalanced. also, she doesn't get as much emotional fulfillment from physical acts, but she certainly always gets more relaxed, happy, and calm after we've had sex, which i feel should help her deal with her stress better, so it's all the more reason for us to bone.
oh, and my best friend is coming to stay with us for two weeks starting saturday, and i'm about to get even more crazy busy than i have been. so i really hope that she comes home in a good mood today.
Stubby Member
I'm going to have to maybe side with your wife a little on this one, Job stress really can zap everything out of you and she probably is feeling horrible about not being able to fulfill your needs at this time. So give her time. Its only been 4 weeks, in the scope of married life that is nothing. Man up and forget your sexual needs for now and focus on getting emotionally close again. Cuddle up on the couch without the tv on and just talk, give her a relaxing full body massage, make this all about her and don't ask for any reciprocation.
Alt-Left Leaning Cunt
Ehhhh, a month seems like a super long time for a young, newly married couple.
I for sure understand how work stress can impact life outside of work. But for it to have that much of an influence on outside life is worrying.
Do you guys talk about the lack of sex?
Bite me
This is really good advice. When everybody all day long is taking chunks out of her and expecting things from her, the last thing she needs is somebody else expecting something from her. Married sex is all about intimacy, and just being there for her and providing intimacy will ultimately lead to trust. Right now, she's probably feeling drained of everything. Inadvertently conveying a message of expecting it conveys much like what she is experiencing at work. Also, just making out nightly can lead to sex. Don't EXPECT it to lead to sex, natch; just have that, alone, be the intimacy for a while, let it show her that you are "there" for her? (Of course, making out often gets things rolling.) For the longrun, like the above poster said, marriage is intended to be a lifetime commitment, in sickness and in health and all that stuff, and she is being bullied and treated terribly at work so you are there to support her; but, you're also there to make sure she doesn't suffer at this job for much longer and to encourage her to GTFO heh.
I remember reading all this stuff about Sting having 8-hour Tantric sex and then he finally qualified it in an interview by saying that he really doesn't, literally, have 8-hour sex; he said that "sex" for him and his wife begins with "intimacy" that starts very early in the day, with intimate cuddling, maybe making out, that lasts in some way or another throughout the day, and ultimately leads to Tantric sex later that day, it builds to that. So it isn't just "jump in bed, grope each other, SEX!" Instead, it's intimacy that kind of builds throughout the day, so that by the end of the day, they can hardly wait to be together. And if you're both working, there are probably other ways to deal with that, maybe little hints, little kisses, nothing that says "I'M FULLY EXPECTING SEX TONIGHT LATER" so that she has some kind of "job" to fulfill but, instead, she slowly builds to a level in a natural way but, if not, that's okay, too?
@eversonpoe , you probably need a date night, for sure. But, maybe BAN sex, have it everything EXCEPT sex, and maybe when you take that OFF the table, it ends up being back ON the table BY HER?
(talking about it, like Sarah said, is probably a good idea, though. a dinner discussion, ask her if she is insecure about some things right now, afraid of anything, maybe she's depressed and it's depleted her sex drive? you guys lived together a long time before you got married, has marriage "changed" some things for her, emotionally?)
Last edited by allegro; 04-16-2015 at 12:11 PM.
she/her/hers
first of all, please do not EVER tell me to man up. that's what my ex said to me while i was having a panic attack after running into my rapist. it is a disgusting phrase, and it has a particularly bad connotation for me. it's also in poor taste because i consider myself internally female (and thus genderqueer), which i have discussed in various places on this board, but i don't fault you for not knowing that.
secondly, this has been going on for THREE YEARS. three years of sex MAYBE twice a month, very occasionally three or four times in a month. we have talked about it extensively. especially because, for the first year of our relationship, she was ALWAYS in the mood, she was always the one to initiate things, and i was struggling to keep up with her. i understand that this is a symptom of her job stress, and i don't fault her for that. i'm not angry with her. i just want to make love to her and have it help her feel better, and help me feel more connected to her. i feel guilty for any emotional distance caused by lack of physical intimacy, because i don't want to feel distant; it's just the way i function. anyway, if this was the first time it's been this long, i'd be less frustrated. but it's not. we have pretty consistently had very little sex for three years.
she just turned 30, and i just turned 28. we got married in september of last year. as @Sarah K said, we're a young, newly married couple. we should be having more sex. i'm not some entitled macho asshole about it. i am just so ridiculously in love with and attracted to my wife that it really does not take much for me to want to make love to her. and it helps that she's incredibly beautiful.
we also spend literally all of our time together. i barely hang out with anyone else, unless i'm at a band practice or a show. so when we're not working, we're at home together, cuddled up on the couch, watching shows or reading and listening to records. our relationship is really fantastic other than the lack of sex.
@allegro : she doesn't really like to make out, even during sex. it was hard for me to get used to that, since i love making out, but i got past it. occasionally it's a bummer, especially because it's a really good way to get into the mood, but i've mostly let it go.
also, she just had an interview with one of my customers who runs a small promotional company (they'll, for example, do a run of t-shirts for Peerless, a company that makes tv mounts) and i'm really hoping he gives her a job. she really needs to GTFO out of her current one. i've been trying to find a different job, too, that offers more stability/security so that she'd have the option of just quitting and spending more time looking for a new job, but i am not having any luck at the moment.
Active Member
@eversonpoe I'm inclined to agree with @allegro about patience and trying a couple intimate non-sexual things except the you wrote two things that seem like flags to me (only based on my own experience 'not a doctor'️: 1. You too used to have sex a lot and now don't. That just doesn't seem right and job stress just don't seem enough to warrant such a low libido. 2. Not big on kissing: I used to be this and I eventually figured out that my inhibitions and ability/want to truly intimate with my partner really was getting in the way. Now, I love to kiss. I know it's a big turn on for my BF to kiss so it turns me on and so.
I might be soooooo off base, but do you think maybe she has more issue with being intimate then three years ago for any particular reason? Is she entirely comfortable with your gender identification? I know she probably says she is, she married you, but it is in the realm of possibility that she hasn't entirely figured out for herself?
Bite me
@eversonpoe , When I'm totally stressed out from work and pissed off and stuff, I'm just mostly depressed and I either want to sleep or run away from home, LOL. Sex is the LAST thing on my mind. So, yeah, your wife probably needs to find a new job, STAT, to fix her whole life and your sex life.
Also, sometimes us females use the term "man up" not in a derogatory way but in a way that means to be the adult and to be supportive, kind of like "grow up" and not be needy, but not in a mean way. Just so you know. ;-) I don't think she (above poster) meant anything bad by it.
Oh and here, read this, it may help? That new job for her sounds great!
Also, you two may have to consult a counselor at some point, who can assign "homework" and stuff and discuss things on neutral ground and topics that you two probably haven't covered? I know that's probably rough, financially, but maybe you can find somebody who's covered by insurance or on a sliding scale.
But logic says this: If you haven't had much sex in 3 years, marriage doesn't magically change things, that's for sure; and if the one common denominator for the last 3 years has been her shitty job, then that's the thing you have to change.
Last edited by allegro; 04-16-2015 at 09:14 PM.
she/her/hers
well, we had sex last night. she had put on cute undies in the morning, i put some on in the afternoon after i got home and showered, so we were both wearing cute lacy things when she got home from work. we had a BLAST in the bedroom. and afterward, she said "we can't ever go that long again without having sex." so, yeah. that was great.
i know marriage isn't some magical thing that fixes broken parts of a relationship. whenever someone asks "how's married life?" i respond "exactly the same!" because we were already best friends with a fantastic relationship before our wedding. the only thing that's different now is that we had a wonderful wedding and we're both really happy about that.
@Dra508 it's definitely her job. we've talked extensively about all of the issues surrounding this, and it always boils down to just being about how miserable her job makes her. she really is 100% cool with my gender identity, as that came up only about a month or so into our relationship.
Resident Asshole
So I started seeing this new girl recently and things are pretty awesome. She's a die hard phish fan and has seen them 40+ times and that's what got us talking. We shared our stories about following our favorite bands around the U.S. and whatnot as well as our love of music in general. So far this is looking really good and we've gone on a few dates. She even took me to my first hip hop show ever the other night which was Raykwon (sp?) and Ghostface Killa - talk about a departure from the norm for me. Next month we're going to this Tom Petty tribute show and then we're seeing Jane's Addiction in July when they perform Nothing's Shocking.
Active Member
Can I up vote you a million times over? Welcome to me and my best friend's Saturday nights.
It feels good to be loved by a man that I love.
Banned
after avoiding serious relationships for about 5 years, I'm ready to get back in the "ring". I miss having someone that I'm totally in love with and who feels the same way about me. I am officially searching for my "soulmate".
Throbbing Member
Jesus, you make it sound so damn easy... good luck with your endeavors
Hairy Member
Actually it IS really easy. The hard part is when you don't really like yourself so you don't really like the people you meet. You will always meet people who are like minded with the current version of you.
My personality is just weird and I compromised a lot to have friends and relationships, in the end the only one I fooled was myself so, I'm trying a new approach and just being myself.
I don't regret compromising though, I thought I would die unhappy and alone so it's something I needed to do in order to say: "Yes, I tried that, didn't work, I'm cool with myself, I want to be myself, I love me"
So if you haven't done that and you still have doubts in your mind I suggest you do compromise, see where it gets you. Honestly, it wasn't all bad. I'm really hoping that next time I won't have to give too much of myself but I really need to pick up the pieces right now and figure it all out.
Throbbing Member
Lately when I come in here about to type up some stuff and wondering about people's advice, I stop myself because I realize I know the advice I need to take and it's just a matter of waiting and dealing with my hypothetical situation when it actually happens. I'm going to try visiting my man next weekend and that makes me happy so time to stop fretting over the big unknown future...
Active Member
So a few weeks ago my fiance who I've posted about here in the past when we had some serious issues decided to call it quits and she moved out for good a couple weeks ago. I've not really posted about it because it just was too much to really think about. The more I think about her the worse I realize she is. I don't feel like talking shit and venting constantly. I just hate that the more and more I think the more and more I realize there's a lot of shit she's done to me and in our relationship that's not okay at all. I don't want her back. I don't want her anymore. I hate that though. I miss that feeling of hope or optimism with her. I'd say I don't want to feel so alone but I've honestly felt alone for a few months, now it's just a literal thing rather than just an emotional one.
I feel really naive or stupid. I allowed a lot that I shouldn't have. I didn't stick up for myself when I should have. After last year I shouldn't have even allowed her to move back in let alone just recommit completely. I can't blame everything on her because I constantly gave her opportunities to manipulate me or neglect me. I let it happen whether I realized it or not at the time. I'm so tired of anxiety attacks. i'm tired of constant stress and a sense of inferiority. I'm tired of thinking I'm less than her. I'm tired of her telling me I am. I've spent so long being convinced any issue is because of my mental disorders or child abuse that now I'm realizing maybe that's not true, but it's so hard to break that cycle of thought. It's like I'm having to reassess my entire sense of self and determine what's really mine and what's something she made me believe or feel that isn't true. A lot of it seems to be the latter.
I don't know, I really feel like it hits a point in a long term relationship where the time invested seems too valuable to let go even though you should. I spent 4 years with this person, lived with them for 3, went through a lot with them and for them. It's hard to look at that much time especially as a younger person and not place a giant price tag on it. It's a really inaccurate view of things I think but it's hard to not feel that. Getting into such a longer, serious relationship at a younger age maybe wasn't all too great. A lot of people around me all have this fully formed sense of self and I'm just here with this sense of dependency and lack of identity on my own. It's like there's so much of me that got caught up in this person. So much of my self-worth was tied into it. There's a lot of issues I had before it started that just got either ignored or extrapolated because of being with her. All of my issues became ways to make me feel guilty for things she did, all of my past traumas or losses became ways to excuse her attitudes or actions and lay it all on me and I was too insecure to ever argue with that. It all made sense in my head that everything was somehow my fault. It's just not easy figuring out how to stop feeling that all the time. I guess me recognizing it is important on its own but I don't know where to go from that.
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