The Relationship Thread

[Dra508]

Both of my adult step-kids came up to me at a party this weekend telling me how much they love me and one mentioned how he won't be taking sides, just supporting wherever he can. Did I say these were adult kids? Very adult. I'm very impressed and touched.

I just had this same experience with my two brothers. I talked to both of them last week about my situation and they said things like "we don't judge you", "we want the best for you" and "we love you". Sniff sniff waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

[sentient02970]

That's great Dra, your brothers rock.

[isak]

My boyfriend who I've been with for nearly 3 years , broke up with me on Monday, still a really big shock, I'm only 18, but I had all my plans next year based around him too kinda (was going to uni close to where he lives and stuff). He moved and got a job in Manchester, and shortly after said he found someone new. Really sucks thinking someone you spent nearly every day with for over 2 years can find you so dispensable. And I've got loads of exams in January to add to the stress. I did something awful and slept with someone else yesterday too. I still haven't cried either, but I don't think I've properly come to terms with it yet.

[dominik]

I did something awful and slept with someone else yesterday too.

Why is that awful?

And I'm sorry for you, but look at it in a good way, you are only 18, time to move on and he certainly wasn't worth it

[isak]

Why is that awful?

And I'm sorry for you, but look at it in a good way, you are only 18, time to move on and he certainly wasn't worth it

I think the guy really likes me though, and he's really nice, but I think he's kinda just a rebound thing, which feels a little unfair. Thanks though, I guess it would be a little strange if I stayed with the same guy from being 15, but it's been a really important 3 years, from leaving school and getting part time jobs and coming to grips with things and going through college, and he's been there for it all, it'll take a while to get used to being alone and having so much spare time. there aren't many people I really feel comfortable talking about it with either, I never so much as mention being gay to my male friends or my family really.

[sentient02970]

My boyfriend who I've been with for nearly 3 years , broke up with me on Monday, still a really big shock,

I'm sorry. You can't expect this to feel normal after a few days. I think the best advice, through the process, is just continue to feel good about yourself and who you really are (you're NOT "dispensable"). You'll likely hit the place where you wonder if there's something wrong with you...that's the first thing you need to stop doing. It'll get better from there. My best to you.

[lady weetly]

Some strange things happened this week. That mutual friend of my ex became single late last week and has been flirting with me. I was supposed to hang out with him last night to talk, but I'm really sick with a head cold and called it off (even though he was really persistant with still wanting to see me which made it awkward). The other weird thing is I started hanging out and reconnecting with my best friend from high school for the first time in like two years. It's been really nice catching up, but he sent me kinda a vague message and I'm afraid he has feelings for me with the way he worded it. I don't want that to ruin our friendship because he's a good friend and I really hope it's nothing. On top of all this, next month makes it 3 months since the break up and also what would have been our 2 year anniversary. I'm still not over my ex and I've made it very clear to to both of them. :/ This all is just really odd.

Edit: Aw fuck, my best friend just told me he has feelings for me. Shit. Now what?

[Fixer808]

Aw fuck, my best friend just told me he has feelings for me. Shit. Now what?

Bang him. Can't hurt, right? Right?!
Seriously, though, I've been on both sides of that. You need to do some serious evaluation, it's like a "Choose Your Own Adventure" book:
"Do I have feelings for him as well? If yes, go to page 123. If no, go to page 60"

If you DO go to page 60, drop the bomb easy, but firmly.

[icklekitty]

Depending on the exact situation, you could hand him a "I don't fancy you, but wanna have sex once?" option.


(Shreena has done this)

[Rémy]

I met a woman at a Christmas party last night. I thought we got along well throughout the evening. She was interested in my work and we had a few points where we were off away from the rest of the people at the party chatting away on our own for 30 mins at a time. Before I left I asked her for her number and said we should do something this week. Her reaction seemed positive. Now I'm at a bit of a loss as to where to go from here. I'm leaving for R&R on the 4th of January, so I have to ring her and set something up soon (ie. this week). But being in Kabul limits my options. There are a few on-limit restaurants we could go to, but I doubt either of us wants to be ogled and judged by nosey Afghan staff. I was going to invite her to the company bar, but outsiders aren't allowed in. The only other thing I can think of is inviting her around to my place for dinner. But that seems incredibly forward. My choices aren't really all that spectacular. Ideas?

[Dra508]

Seems like your only option is the restaurant. If you really like her and want to get to know her, you going to let a few nosey Afghans stop you? I don't care what culture you come from, but first date at your place has got to be "forward" in all of them. That's my two cents/afghani.

[Rémy]

I think I'm getting sent out to the field in three days for a few nights in a very last-minute change of plans. So I guess I have to ring her tonight. I'll ask her where she wants to go to eat, that way she can pick somewhere where she's been before and is comfortable with the staff. Assuming she says yes, that is.

[sick among the pure]

My boyfriend very sneakily slipped a silver band on my left ring finger while holding my hand when my family was opening presents yesterday. I hugged him like crazy, said "of course", and now my fiance agrees that I won x-mas.

[lady weetly]

^ Congratulations!! That's fantastic and super cute.

Re Fixer808 & icklekitty: I responded back and explained that I don't have those feelings for him. He took it well and we're still going to hang out as friends like before. I wouldn't want to hurt him even more and also I'm not attracted to him. I've never "friend-zoned" someone before, so I was kinda spazzing out, but it really went okay. I just feel kinda bad that I had to though. :/

[Rémy]

We're having dinner at a restaurant on Wednesday night. Excitement has now given way to absolute terror. Here's to hoping I don't fuck this up.

[Dra508]

We're having dinner at a restaurant on Wednesday night. Excitement has now given way to absolute terror. Here's to hoping I don't fuck this up.

relaaaaaaaaaaax, she obviously wants to chat with you if she agreed to it sit across from you and break bread. Just don't pick your nose.

[YKWYA]

relaaaaaaaaaaax, she obviously wants to chat with you if she agreed to it sit across from you and break bread. Just don't pick your nose.

Good luck to you man! Hope all goes well.

I just wondered though: OK, sure, going on 'special' occasions etc, is important (I think, in relationships) but ultimately, if you are in one, then, you need to be friends, and the real you comes out at 6:15 in the morning making coffee for work. What Im wondering is, why do we choose 'dinner' (situations) as a means to getting to know someone, and make it into some super occasion we should be nervous about, when actually, you could go for a walk etc. Call me boring. But, surely the person you 'love' should be comfortable to be around? I mean, on this thinking we then spend all our time trying to catch up to the 'sell' image of ourselves at dinner. Not the Dog Days at 6:15. But anyhow, Im not well versed in this. Unless of course you just want to fuck, in which case, that fine too. But then, whats to worry about?

[Rémy]

In general I agree with what you're saying, but on the practical side of things, living in a war zone and working hellish hours only really leaves evenings and dinners for any type of socialising. I'm less worried now. Dra is right: When I met her I was just being myself and it was comfortable and we had fun. No reason why I should act any differently now.

[Christo]

Wooo! I got dumped!

[halloween]

Wooo! I got dumped!

Shit! Sorry to hear, hopefully it didn't go down too ugly?

[theruiner]

But we talked and we decided we need to put more effort into making it an actual relationship, and now that we've got more time on our hands I think we'll be able to.

Translation=more fucking

AMIRITE FELLAHS?

[Pillfred]

Talked to the ex the other day when i picked up the last of my stuff. In talking to her it is apparent that she is in a bad spot mixed up in something that she doesn't need right now. I won't get into it but it's not good. I know their is nothing I can do to help her but after 8 years i owe it to her to at least be honest. She may very well hate me for saying it but i don't think anyone else will.

[scotty79]

ever feel no matter what you do you're always in the wrong?

[Fixer808]

ever feel no matter what you do you're always in the wrong?

It's called "having a wife", AMIRITE FELLAHS?

[scotty79]

It's called "having a wife", AMIRITE FELLAHS?

well it looks like I may be out of that before it gets that far

[Christo]

Alcohol daze for a week

[isak]

Since my break up I can't seem to keep myself occupied. I need people, all the time, I can't stand being alone and it's really taking it's toll, I've spent far too much money, I have 5 exams within the next 3 weeks that I've done no work for, and I've barely stopped drinking. Even tonight, I've came home midday, then washed, napped, got up and have sought out other things to do. I can't even just sit and read or watch TV most the time, I need to be trying to get out the house. Also, all of the guys I'm seeing, I don't like that much and it just makes me want my ex back, BUT I CAN'T STOP. Ugh.

[Pillfred]

Since my break up I can't seem to keep myself occupied. I need people, all the time, I can't stand being alone and it's really taking it's toll, I've spent far too much money, I have 5 exams within the next 3 weeks that I've done no work for, and I've barely stopped drinking. Even tonight, I've came home midday, then washed, napped, got up and have sought out other things to do. I can't even just sit and read or watch TV most the time, I need to be trying to get out the house. Also, all of the guys I'm seeing, I don't like that much and it just makes me want my ex back, BUT I CAN'T STOP. Ugh.

Just focus on school, its what i did for the first two months after me and the lady split. However the breakdown was patiently waiting for me after it ended. I've just made my piece with it though, well 95% of it anyhow. On that note i finally got my stuff with her sorted out and it seems here in the future when we have something other than the last 8 years to talk about we will be friends still. So that's good.

[JessicaSarahS]

Sooo... I really do not like talking on the phone. There are only a handful of people that I speak to on the phone and that I go out of my way to contact. I think things are more misconstrued for me on the phone than via text, chat, email etc. I prefer face to face communication. So why is it that when I give a guy my number and tell them to text only, they still call? When they ask for my number, I specifically tell them that I'll ignore their call if they do call and I asked that they text only. But they still call. Then I feel like a cold hearted bitch when I listen to their voicemail and they're all nervous, and they want to talk, etc. Gah!

Should I just get over my phone issues? I mean, I do talk on the phone a LOT for work, etc. It's not like I'm phone phobic. I just don't like it or enjoy it otherwise. When I do try to give in and talk to people on the phone, I'm just silent on my end while they go into chatterbox mode and it's just not pleasant for me.


And speaking of phones, I have a phone stalker calling me from a private number leaving me numerous voicemails of them breathing heavily and orgasmically moaning. Doesn't help my no-phone anxiety... (And this has been going on for a couple months before I gave out my number to the two new guys, so it's all unrelated as far as I can tell.)

[Deus Ex Machina]

Sooo... I really do not like talking on the phone. There are only a handful of people that I speak to on the phone and that I go out of my way to contact. I think things are more misconstrued for me on the phone than via text, chat, email etc. I prefer face to face communication. So why is it that when I give a guy my number and tell them to text only, they still call? When they ask for my number, I specifically tell them that I'll ignore their call if they do call and I asked that they text only. But they still call.

Calling and talking back and forth with someone is a natural, instinctive thing to do if you don't know someone well. To a certain extent, giving your number to someone and asking them not to call directly is like giving someone the keys to a car and asking them only to go in reverse. If they're not really paying attention, they'll forget your instructions and just drive normally. Not saying it should be that way, just saying that people tend to default to what they know when they are uncertain or in the face of the unusual. You'd think it was unusual enough that they would remember exactly what you wanted, but they just got done asking you for your number, so they might be a little amped up. Can't speak for them, but I know I forget details when I'm stressed/exhilarated. I can imagine taking the number out of my pocket, starting to dial and thinking: "She told me to only text, but that sounds wrong. Did I hear her right? Does she really prefer texting? I'd normally never text, in fact, I'm afraid that she'll think I'm lame if I do. I think I'll call. Yeah, I'll just call, that's the default right? What girl doesn't prefer a call to a text, right*? Yeah, I'll call."

Yeah, it's a little daft (*and in it's own way a little casually sexist, but probably not the thread for that), but they likely mean well. You could always text back, 'something something I hate the phone, something something prefer face to face, let's make that happen via text'.

Just my $0.02