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Was that you? I actually got an email from @Leviathant nearly a year ago about that. Weirded us both out that my username was showing up in the "search tag cloud" under "Advanced Search." Finally realized it was because someone tagged me in a bunch of threads. :POriginally Posted by playwithfire
Also, nice work on the two+ years!!!
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WE HAVE TOTALLY TALKED ABOUT THIS ON SKYPE BEFORE YOU ALREADY KNEW THIS. But, yes.
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YOU DO REMEMBER HOW INTOXICATED I USED TO GET, RIGHT?! /me doesn't remember
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Suck Suck Suck.
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@johnbron : That was the most uplifting thing I've read or heard about a relationship this year. I don't know you, but I wish you all the best!
It's my birthday on Thursday and I haven't sent out any invites to the people (err, friends?) that have been nothing but stressful for me concerning their relationsships. For once I want to talk about the good things in live and not have a deep conversation until the early hours. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad to help and I enjoy it a big deal, especially when people are thankful, but there are 3 to 4 people who speak nothing but negative and keep asking for advice they won't even take, yet they keep calling and asking. It was all fun and games in the beginning, but this is getting poisonous in a way that it is affecting my own relationships. On the other hand these people tend to get angry at me when I in return don't listen to their advice. Which I didn't even ask for. Who am I anyway, taking tipps from people who screw up in the very departements? Jeez!
I've accumulated some strange people over the past years, mostly from university. Sometimes it sucks being a "lone wolf" and being part of many circles of friends but not having a single one that I always return to. My fencing team might be the only place where there are sane people right now and my ex-boss. Yet again I'm not close friends with the majority of them, just good team mates and colleagues.
So enough of playing Freud, now it's about assembling the people again that make me feel good (physical or on the mind)! Has anyone experienced something like this? How did you get out of it? Has anyone managed to give their inner circle a total make over? Of course some of them are dear friends but for the love of god I have my own issues (quite minor ones I've come to realize talking to my peers) to solve and I just have to be selfish here and then to pursue my own life, dreams and motivations.
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socioemotional selectivity theory. This article might be useful for you:@johnbron : That was the most uplifting thing I've read or heard about a relationship this year. I don't know you, but I wish you all the best!
It's my birthday on Thursday and I haven't sent out any invites to the people (err, friends?) that have been nothing but stressful for me concerning their relationsships. For once I want to talk about the good things in live and not have a deep conversation until the early hours. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad to help and I enjoy it a big deal, especially when people are thankful, but there are 3 to 4 people who speak nothing but negative and keep asking for advice they won't even take, yet they keep calling and asking. It was all fun and games in the beginning, but this is getting poisonous in a way that it is affecting my own relationships. On the other hand these people tend to get angry at me when I in return don't listen to their advice. Which I didn't even ask for. Who am I anyway, taking tipps from people who screw up in the very departements? Jeez!
I've accumulated some strange people over the past years, mostly from university. Sometimes it sucks being a "lone wolf" and being part of many circles of friends but not having a single one that I always return to. My fencing team might be the only place where there are sane people right now and my ex-boss. Yet again I'm not close friends with the majority of them, just good team mates and colleagues.
So enough of playing Freud, now it's about assembling the people again that make me feel good (physical or on the mind)! Has anyone experienced something like this? How did you get out of it? Has anyone managed to give their inner circle a total make over? Of course some of them are dear friends but for the love of god I have my own issues (quite minor ones I've come to realize talking to my peers) to solve and I just have to be selfish here and then to pursue my own life, dreams and motivations.
http://www.nytimes.com/2012/01/29/fa...anted=all&_r=0
I've dealt with this a lot as of late. Going through a divorce really forces you to 'break up' with some friends because , in some way, it's like an asset split. I've managed this poorly in some cases and ok in others. Some people I just don't reach out to, call, or otherwise interact with due to geographic proximity. Some of this pruning has been timely - I just didn't have some of the values that they had - Others, I have tried to make an effort to keep up with.
Last edited by Dra508; 08-13-2013 at 05:18 PM. Reason: grammah check
ladyborg
its super cheesy and stupid but spending 3 nights away from my husband for work this week and it's the first time we've slept apart since moving in together almost 4 years ago. I know it'll be fine but still dreading it especially since I've been working so many nights and weekends that we've hardly seen each other the last few weeks. but we're planning a long weekend in Berlin for the end of september which is exciting and will be good to have that time together.
Throbbing Member
Agreed, divorce is kind of self-correcting in the friend groups. I've made new friends by being social in my OWN circles, not my ex's. Although I still consider the friends I made through my ex as real "friends" I do not see them as often as I used to. I think it's all worked out pretty well in my case, so far.
Throbbing Member
I act superior/mean towards women, because deep down I feel like I'm not good enough for them..
Active Member
Don't worry. Every human on the planet acts like a dick because they're scared of people seeing their vulnerability. At least you acknowledge it.
Throbbing Member
Is that true? It's strangely comforting to hear that.. It's incredibly annoying, and almost a knee-jerk reaction in most situations for me.
Women tell me that all the time, "Ugh, you're soooo mean". I don't have the courage to tell them it's because I'm scared of them! haha
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Showing vulnerability is hard. No one wants to get hurt.
Throbbing Member
Yeah, never mind, I don't think it's going to happen. I don't know what the hell I was thinking
Throbbing Member
It's common, but not everyone overcompensates like that. Some people just don't even try to talk to other people for fear of rejection. And a lot of people (like me) over-compensate for their insecurities and fears with self deprecating humor. Everyone's different in that regard.
Throbbing Member
I try to do that, I try to make a conscious effort, but it's almost by default that I just go there..
I don't even recognize it until afterwards, and what's worse is I have no idea how to act any
other way.
I feel like it's really fucked with my ability to keep relationships with women. Sucks!
Active Member
I have that same problem. I can get VERY sarcastic. And when I try to tone it down, it gets awkward. Once/If I loosen up, it gets better. It's those first couple steps that's a real bitch.
Throbbing Member
Yeah, for sure.
Although, I did go to work this morning with a goal in mind. I was going to be good to those around me,
and it made the whole day just better. Like, my mood improved and it was just a good day! Weird how
a conscious effort to change things actually had an effect for once! Now I just need to apply that to
my interactions with women and hopefully that aspect of my life will improve as well.
I really just need to do something, because I honestly feel like I'm fucking up, hard!
Hairy Member
Thank you. It IS what matters. I feel like I released some pressure after my dumb outburst. I feel back to my old self, and we're both stupid happy together. I'm incredibly lucky and happy and grateful that we found each other.
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So, apparently me and my friend that I've liked for a while (who rejected me in the past) are now sort of an item. She admitted to me that she rejected me before because she was very insecure about herself, and that it had nothing to do specifically with me. We haven't been on a date yet, but we have been talking about places we'd like to go for our first date. The hardest part is transportation. I don't drive (neither does she), but I'm working on getting my license and something to drive. In the meantime, hopefully I can schedule a double date with someone I know. I've liked her for a really long, and have recently been going through some bad depression, but this development has really made me a lot happier.
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Sorry for the double post, but it's official. We're more than just an item. She announced it on facebook, which isn't entirely characteristic of her, so she must be incredibly happy. So am I.
Throbbing Member
Discovering previously missed opportunities that would have led to something amazing is always fun
Active Member
Mu(gh)nogamy.
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So being told your relationship has a shelf life is a real smack to the face. How can you go in thinking there is guaranteed to be an end? Is it just cynical? Or does it tell one that commitment is not in their vocabulary? I guess I've been married for so long I can't relate.
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Well, my relationship has a shelf life. We have drastically different long term goals. I don't want kids, he does. He wants marriage, I don't particularly. Also there's the poly thing, but I'm not going to use it with this. Our differing long terms goals don't effect our now as we're both years and years and years away from wanting those things, and we're both crazy about each other.
HOWEVER, he did have a hard time with the same thing for a little while. Knowing we had no chance. Personally, knowing a really awesome relationship is gonna end one day doesn't dissuade me from the now. They'll all probably end.
Last edited by playwithfire; 08-23-2013 at 08:01 PM.
Throbbing Member
Tell him to fuck off.
Bite me
This isn't meant to last; this is for right now.
Active Member
Playwithfire, you're young, so much of ahead of you, I totally can see your POV. I'm fascinated with the polyamory that you are trying to have in your life.
DFF118: you're married right? Understand commitment?
Allegro: this is my fear, but I don't like being punched in the face with it. I actually think I'm being mismatched with this topic, you know, the ol' Ill break up with you before you break up with me scenario. Fear of commitment? Fear of intimacy? Fear of rejection? I don't know.
Active Member
I always heard that lyric as "this is a mental ass, this is for right now."
Active Member
Mmm. I've got mental ass right now if you catch my drift.
Throbbing Member
Yep, and yep. So what I would do, is think about his motive for telling you this.
Did he expect you to reciprocate this opinion? If that's the case, why did he bother stating this outright? Because if he was wrong, wouldn't that be quite upsetting for you? And if he was right, wouldn't that hasten your relationship's shelf life? You'd both be acknowledging that there's a sell by date. A couple who agree that the food's going off are more likely to clean the fridge.
So if he didn't think you and him were on the same page, was he foreshadowing something, and trying to be gentle about it?
Anyway, your own reaction says a lot about how you feel about the situation. You can rationalise this by telling yourself that you have a different set of values in a relationship, and that your more mature for valuing commitment, and you're both expecting different things here. But it's tricky to reconcile that with the feeling of being punched in the gut because you've basically just been told you're going to get dumped some time.
I'd ask him to elaborate and try and talk about what's going on, so you both know where the other one is coming from. And if he doesn't want to do that, then that's not really fair on you. But then, he might not necessarily know himself, guys are stupid like that.
(If I sound blunt, I don't mean to be, I've had some mitigating circumstances this evening).
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