The Relationship Thread

[playwithfire]

Everyone is either "bisexual" (are they really?)

What.

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[halloween]

Everyone is either "bisexual" (are they really?)

What.

Yeah, i'm also a bit confused- are you ruling out bisexuals? because you don't...believe it?

[icklekitty]

I think he means that everyone on that site claims to be bisexual when they're mostly probably just doing it for attention. You know, how stupid teenage girls/retarded young women pretend to be all lesbian with their friends around men in bars.

[playwithfire]

I mean, maybe. But, that's a bit of an assumption to make about a person: that it's a cry for attention. Especially when some amount of bisexuality/queerness is so common in young women.

[Dra508]

I mean, maybe. But, that's a bit of an assumption to make about a person: that it's a cry for attention. Especially when some amount of bisexuality/queerness is so common in young women.

Funny you should say that. My mom was just saying that she thinks gender issues are more prevelant today because they are more acceptable. Meaning back in her day, you were taught - gay/bi is wrong so there was no crossing the line for someone who might have this "some amount" you speak of. Now, being much more accepting than the last century, young men and women can "experiment" as dear Mom would say and maybe they really aren't gay. It was an interesting short from her in that she was implying that maybe we've swung too far the other way and some confusion amongst those that are truly hetero are getting caught up when they wouldn't have if we were back in the dark ages being told gay/bi is bad. Did that make any sense?

[allegro]

My mother, who's 73, said there were always gay (and probably bi) people for as long as she can remember, but it was "private" and not discussed, not because it was "wrong" but because bedroom issues were private, no matter who you were doing. My late grandmother (who would have been 105 in August) told me the same thing. That very Catholic late grandmother chose my gay best male friend as a pallbearer for my grandfather. In 1982. Ever seen Pompeil or photos from Pompeii? Hedonism ain't new, either.Theimage makes a good and valid point about the "hip" aspect of bisexuality; drunk fake lesbians making out on a dance floor solely because they know it turns most guys on, or listing one's self as "bisexual" only because you know that girl-on-girl action is a typical guy fantasy, can be total BULLSHIT.

[Dra508]

That's pretty much what my mom also said (about the same age as yours), but she added that we were socialized not to experiment. Not so much now, so she thinks that some are experimenting out of peer pressure.

[theimage13]

I think he means that everyone on that site claims to be bisexual when they're mostly probably just doing it for attention. You know, how stupid teenage girls/retarded young women pretend to be all lesbian with their friends around men in bars.

This is closest to what I meant. My aside meant that I was a bit surprised that the seeming majority of women on the site actually identify themselves as truly bisexual people. But for my purposes, I look at the label in one of two ways:
1) They're "bisexual" in the sense that they'll get drunk and make out with their friend at the club, but they're not actually attracted to women. Which is just obnoxious. Or,
2) They actually are bisexual, in which case, in the back of my mind I worry about the fact that I'm now competing against everyone, and not just other guys, for their attention. Which is a little daunting.

For the record, I have absolutely no problem with people who are bisexual (or homosexual). However, #2 explains my hesitation to pursue a serious relationship with someone who identifies themselves that way.

[orestes]

Right, because bisexuals are promiscuous and can't commit to a monogamous relationship.

[theimage13]

Right, because bisexuals are promiscuous and can't commit to a monogamous relationship.

That's not at all what I mean, and you know it. I'm talking more early stages of dating, when exclusivity hasn't been established and people are still exploring their options.

[botley]

I also happen to know (ahem) that the ONLY three orientation options on that particular website are straight, gay/lesbian, and bi. That's archaic.

[theimage13]

Pardon my ignorance, but what else would you list? Bestiality? Not many animals can type (or afford internet access), so it seems a little silly to make that an option.

[icklekitty]

Bi-curious, pansexual, polyamorous, dominant, submissive, celibate (which doesn't rule out wanting a partner) and good ol' queer.

[botley]

Pardon my ignorance, but what else would you list?

The above, but also a spectrum of options in between. Or "check all that apply" if that makes matching easier.

[Fixer808]

Fetlife isn't a dating site, per se, but does list a lot of options.

[theimage13]

Fetlife isn't a dating site, per se, but does list a lot of options.

Ben there...couldn't make it work, sadly. I was extremely excited when I learned about the site through the ONE friend who knows my...er...proclivities (well, just fantasies thus far). However, every single person in my age range who I felt an inclination to contact is listed as being in one form of relationship or another.

[icklekitty]

Ben there...couldn't make it work, sadly. I was extremely excited when I learned about the site through the ONE friend who knows my...er...proclivities (well, just fantasies thus far). However, every single person in my age range who I felt an inclination to contact is listed as being in one form of relationship or another.

That's not necessarily prohibitive.

Fetlife needs a counterpart option for "princess by day, slut by night". And a better keyword search. And a redirect feature for all the dicks that think it's Adult Friend Finder. Thankfully, the UK also has Informed Consent.


Speaking of, someone I flung two weeks ago won't stop texting me and tonight showed up at my favourite night club. If it happens again, I might start to get worried (...that my sex life is turning into slave2thewage's :P)

[Deadpool]

Not a "traditional" relationship question, but I'd appreciate some advice.

My brother had a pretty bad falling out with one of his friends some time ago - a person who is rather fucking douche-y, and whose douchery reached a point of intolerance. Despite this, I've remained "friends" with this person on facebook, out of the simple fact that I was too lazy to ever delete or unfriend him. That's it. I realize in 2012 that facebook is essentially real life, so remaining "friends" with someone or not "unfriending" them is a COLOSSAL social gesture, so I guess I should have known better.

Anyway, this douche sends me an insanely long, insanely arrogant message tonight about how I'm a "good kid" and how he's sure I was still friends with him on facebook because my brother was using me to keep tabs on him... ....what ... ...seriously?!? You're not only enormously self-centered, but incredibly paranoid.

I'm POSITIVE the right course of action is to not respond in any way, especially after this fucktard tacked on an outright insult to what was a surprisingly mild-mannenred message as I was actually typing out a potential response. Yet, would I be the bigger man if I said:

"Hey _, no hard feelings, I have no idea what happened with you guys and it's none of my business. My brother was never keeping tabs on you. I was too lazy to unfriend you. Thanks for your honesty. Have a nice day."

But I KNOW that would just give him an excuse to respond, no matter how straightforward or impartial I was. He'd just have another excuse to sling thinly veiled insults at my brother. I'm just not used to having to swallow my pride in a such a big way. It takes a lot to get my flustered, but the one surefire way to do that is to puff your chest and say how much better you are than myself and my family, no matter how much you want to disguise it as selflessness when it's self-righteousness.

Needless to say, this asshole is now unfriended, and of course there's no way I'm ever telling my brother about this, the conversation would ruin both of our days, and no good would come of it.

[Eos]

^^ I'd say you made the right call here. For people with an over-inflated sense of self (such as the asshat in question), to be unfriended unceremoniously is the ultimate insult, and not telling your brother about it would be the best thing to do. There's no need to upset him if you've handled the situation yourself. Good on you for not taking this guy's bait.

[Deadpool]

Thanks, Eos, I appreciate the affirmation. Like you said, I'm sure the lack of a response will do more in my favor than anything I could possibly reply with. I suppose I learned a valuable lesson about social networking relationships today.

[NotoriousTIMP]

*ugh* I'm really getting nervous now that tomorrow night is our 'first date' night and I'm about ready to pull my hair out. I haven't been this stressed out over a date in a very very long time. I'm really digging this girl and I dont wanna screw it up, but I fear that my nerves are going get the best of me =/

[Pillfred]

Think I'm starting to pull around. It still sucks that the dude the ex is dating lives right around the corner from my apt and i get to see her car there from time to time but it is what it is. On a similar note I think i may have met a girl that I like. She seems pretty cool, kind of excited to see what happens.

[slave2thewage]

The awkward moment when you want to stab a love rival in both eyes.

[NotoriousTIMP]

Think I'm starting to pull around. It still sucks that the dude the ex is dating lives right around the corner from my apt and i get to see her car there from time to time but it is what it is. On a similar note I think i may have met a girl that I like. She seems pretty cool, kind of excited to see what happens.

Dude, same shit happened to me last year. I broke up with the gf only to find out that she had been hanging out with this dude towards the end of the relationship. Seven days after we broke up, she's in a relationship with this guy. Even though it was me who broke it off it still hurt to see that she moved on THAT fast. Then, to add insult to injury, she moved in to the complex even though she was 25min away and there were cheaper apartments closer to work. For the better half of 2011 I had to see them in the pool together when I was getting my mail and always saw his car parked next to hers. It's sucks, but you'll move on at some point. Just focus your attention to this new girl and maybe something to keep your mind occupied during the day.


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[Fixer808]

Last night, 2 weeks in:
Me - "I love you"
Her - "I love you, too"

[theimage13]

You just described the last nearly seven months of my life. With extraordinarily eerie similarity.

My advice: ask her, very bluntly, how she feels about you and where she sees the relationship going. As someone told me after my breakup last week, there's no use in being with someone who doesn't want to be with you. So at least give her a chance - tell her what you just told us about interests, etc, and ask her how she really feels about you. Take it from there. Good luck.

Now, quick personal rant: after much debating, I broke down and joined Match. I haven't heard back from anyone I've written to, but I did get winked at. By a divorced woman with kids. Apparently the part where I'm "not sure" about kids and looking for someone who's never been married just doesn't register with everyone. Curses.

[botley]

You can't take who does and does not respond personally. Some people send tons of messages without really closely reading the profiles. Others are just there to peep other profiles and never respond.

[Dra508]

My soon to be ex husband spends my money like it's water.... I need a lawyer, but for some reason I am dragging my feet. Not that I don't want it, I really fucking do, but the process feels me with dread.

[Timinator]

You cannot be objective. You need input from someone who is.

You owe it to Future Dra to get that objective help. Future Dra will curse Current Dra for not taking better care of things now if you don't.

[theimage13]

Present Timinator is right. Better to feel dreadful now for a little bit than drag it out and feel dreadful for a long time to come.