Active Member
Thanks! I am trying to be cautious, but at the same time if things are going well and all seems good, I feel like it would be wrong to throw away three years of general happiness when it feels like there could be a whole lot more. Thanks. @Charmingly Miserable
Active Member
Then I'm not portraying it clearly. He's really insecure. I'm sure a lot of it is worsened by him feeling shitty about not living on his own/wanting a job.Originally Posted by allegro
I'm not perfect by any means. Like, he sees a lot of my OCD and stuff too, but yeah.
Active Member
Ding ding ding. @jessamineny wins the prize. I don't know the "real" reason, but that's what I'm being told. It's over.
I'm crushed. However, in the last couple of years I've really learned how to face shit and know the world is not going to end. This will not kill me. It'll hurt for a long time, and I'm probably going to be more angry then sad for awhile. It's just so cowardly and disappointing.
Bite me
At least he isn't hiding a WIFE (like I suspected). Wait ... maybe he IS!
Active Member
Actually.... He hasn't finalized that divorce so yeah, it's possible - though I'd be a bit surprised if he reconciled with her. She's a nice person, but they were like oil and vinegar. If he does, I'll know he's really sad and pathetic: doing it out of obligation, shame, needing a mother for his child. Blah blah blah.
Bent Member
Shit, I'm really sorry
::hugs::
I was nobody. Nothing.
There was something i was thinking about...when everyone was arguing over privacy on the interwebz, when i mentioned someone looking at ETS and reading my posts? i never mentioned that she was logged in as me...
Now THAT's a little different, isn't it?
OK so i still want to talk relationship advice without getting into the insanity of mine. So let's pretend i have a new girlfriend.
I wonder what you guys think about this. I like to have a little privacy, like, say, not letting girlfriends look at my email or facebook accounts.
I see so many couples who have facebook accounts together.
Now i don't have anything to hide, but i still want my privacy...anything i sign up for with a password should be MINE. And if a girlfriend or boyfriend finds it open on the computer because my stupid ass left it open, he or she should log out, right?
Active Member
No more mixed messages and in fact moving in a very positive direction.
Stubby Member
Well, if you guys are both ok with having your emails and stuff private, if one wants to know passwords, I say let them. Perhaps not right in the very beginning of the relationship..but if it's been/going to continue to be long term, why not let them know if they want to? As for me and my spouse, we share everything. We were advised that in a marriage, everything is one. Not to have separate anything, and we like and agree with that. Just keeps things out in the open. We have joint checking accounts and each of us knows passwords to emails, blah blah. We are cool with it and like it. We don't go on Facebook cause we think it's lame. Why would you care if she read your email or accessed your FB? Having things open not only builds trust, it also is good for accountability. Especially in days like these where ppl can and do hook up on FB, look up graphic material or post it on social network sites, things that can hurt someone/relationships. We are all subject to want to do things that aren't necessarily good or respectful to our S.O's. Or for example, if I wanted to buy something kind of out of our budget without talking to my spouse, well, if I do it anyway, it's right there in our checking. Accountability. I would think twice about it if my spouse saw the transaction. Not that you guys don't trust each other..it's just a day and age where technology can be used for deceit, cheating, gambling..list goes on, and so accessible unfortunately. Perhaps that trust would build strong enough to where one doesn't necessarily need to know passwords..but you still let the other person know what they are anyway, just because
And as far as logging out...idk, I don't think so. I wouldn't care if my spouse saw what I post on ETS or anywhere else. My S.O. knows I am a fan of NIN and knows what forums I go on. Not that we are internet patrol but we just have things in the open.
Plus, as much as ppl seem to be about privacy..we really don't have any..Google probably knows everything about everyone and Amazon and blah blah blah...everything one does is being tracked pretty much..that's how they know you like Pizza Hut, like to shop at wherever. Sat-el-lite
Last edited by Omega; 06-29-2014 at 05:10 AM.
Stubby Member
^^That's for people who are too lazy to build trust.
The Enhancer
Just got home from 4 days of camping with my sweetie! I'm so goddamn relaxed right now, wish I didn't have to go to work tonight...
Active Member
I find the shared online accounts absolutely creepy... like... couples who get T-shirts of each other creepy.
In terms of allowing access to each other's accounts, you should focus on trust building first. If there is a desire to look into the other's accounts, then the trust isn't where it should be for a healthy relationship. So not allowing access gives you an easy barometer. Beyond that, I'd feel the same as if a job asked for access: fuck that shit, it's the principle! NO! If you want to know something, just fucking ask!
There are certain account sharing situations that make sense from a utilitarian or financial aspect. Banking accounts, etc. My wife and I keep just about all the same "personal" accounts as from before we were married. She enjoys the feeling of individuality and independence of it.
Aren't you the one getting married soon? (separate topic that came to mind)
Active Member
You're a keeper. Just because you sound like you understand and respect her reasoning. I know several men in my life who were like "why keep the money separate? " Where my mom, who never really worked, always had her own bank account. My Dad encouraged and nurtured that piece of autonomy and independence she wanted, needed, and as you said, feels.
Banned
Ladies, I have a question for you. Lets assume you are in a serious relationship, in which you are faithful to each other and dont keep secrets.
How would you react, if on a night-out with the boys your partner gets a lapdance paid by a friend? No touching, no flirting with the dancer, just a normal lapdance. Than the day after he tells you about it, without making a big deal out of it.
So my two questions are:
- Would it be OK for you?
- And would you prefer to hear it from your partner or is it better to not know about it?
Active Member
I'd be totally cool and want to hear all the gory details.
But I'm not normal.
Alt-Left Leaning Cunt
I don't really see why anyone would have an issue with that.
she/her/hers
personally, i'm very pro-sex-worker, but i've never understood the POINT of a lapdance for the recipient.
why would you want a pretty stranger grinding up on your business when you're not allowed to touch or reciprocate the act in any way? and then you end up aroused and you, what...head to the bathroom to take care of it? it just seems odd to me. i'd much rather either a) get an escort with whom i would be able to reciprocate or b) have my partner give me a lapdance/give my partner a lapdance.
if my partner received a lapdance, i would definitely want to know about it. communication is key. being open an honest in a relationship is the only thing that can sustain it.
but, like icklekitty, i am not normal, either.
Active Member
I would absolutely need to know. I would also be cool with it. Though I'd rather be there.
My boyfriend and I have VERY HIGH levels of disclosure in our relationship, which I really really like.
I know if he's super attracted to someone. If they're hanging out, I know if they're hanging out. Stuff like that.
I think that kind of shit is usually more common in poly relationships than monogamous ones, but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Active Member
- I'd be ok with it if it didn't become a habit. I want to believe I'm the sexist one in your mind
- If you're not telling me, you're hiding something and that's a trust issue.
However, don't tell me some girl flirted with you while you were out at a bar with your buddies and you flirted back. I just don't need to know that. My x-husband told me this once and I was like "stawp, unless you fucked her, I don't want to know."
Active Member
See, I'd totally want to know that. And I'd be fine with it. But I'd want to know.
Active Member
IMO flirting is human. We all do it in some way shape or form - regardless of sex, gender, or proclivity. I'm tend to be monogamous and prefer to trust my partner so if a little flirting goes on without any movement towards taking it beyond that, I don't need to know every time it happens. Then I'd start counting and I know it would bother me, I don't know, maybe with him he wanted me to be jealous.
I'm taking a break from relationships so I'll just going into listen only mode here.
Last edited by Dra508; 07-01-2014 at 02:05 PM.
Active Member
I never really saw the value in unifying the money. Maybe I am missing something? I guess we just divide things up differently. She makes $X, I make $Y. We split up our monthly bills/costs in a way that each takes care of specific ones each month. Big purchases outside of this just tend to bounce between whoever makes sense. I suppose it would change if one of us had no income... maybe we would do the allowance thing? It seems a bit paternalistic but I can't think of something better at the moment.
It just was something we sort of settled into. I only recently learned that she liked it for the independence aspect when I said "you know, we could combine stuff it it makes it easier"... so i guess I cant take too much credit for being aware. :P We just know that if there is a legit issue that needs solving, someone mentions it. Same with a legit improvements to a situation. She certainly has some systems in place that would drive me nuts if I had to use them but "your stuff you do with it as you need" works just fine.
Resident Asshole
As someone who is currently finishing up a breakup with my now ex, I say DO NOT combine money. This was a hard lesson learned and I will never make that mistake again.....
Bite me
Don't COMPLETELY combine the money, even when you're married. There's nothing wrong with having a joint account and separate accounts.
Shit, we have, like, 6 accounts. Although, now that we are, um, aging, we're on all of each other's accounts as beneficiaries just in case we die so we can bypass taxes so ... yeah.
Resident Asshole
I made the mistake of handing over my paychecks to her and letting her handle our money. It got pretty frustrating after a while when I kept having to ask her for an allowance, its part of the reason why we broke up (it added unnecessary stress which just made things worse) and now I'm having a hell of a time breaking things apart. Both of our names were on each other's cars, we have the joint account, she had access to my paypal account, and we had a joint credit card. *ugh* Just thinking about it again makes me sick.....
Bite me
Ugh. Dude, that sucks. Unfortunately, that's like a divorce but without the benefit of a divorce. In a divorce, a divorce proceeding can legally split things. In your situation, you're kinda screwed. As you already know.
One benefit is that people will read this and you will serve as an example.
Stubby Member
If you think so, trust takes time, a little work and trust takes time to build. It's not just to be given to anyone instantly, imo. People are different, that's why perhaps one thing that works for someone is going to be different for someone else. So, answering questions on here is kind of pointless to an extent but if someone ends up getting something useful, good.
Last edited by Omega; 06-30-2014 at 08:40 PM.
Active Member
Yeah, don't do that. Handling that part of my divorce was a real pain in the ass.
Not being in a relationship (or having someone give a damn about me) is really putting me out. Not even the freedom of doing whatever the fuck I want can fix this. I'm close to being depressed about it.
she/her/hers
sarah (my fiancee) and i don't combine our money, but we split things (that make sense) down the middle.
groceries, utilities, rent, purchases we agree on together (like gifts for friends or family members), etc.
we trade off who pays for meals out, so it always feels like one of us is taking the other out for a date, which keeps it fun.
i'm addicted to buying vinyl (which i don't actually need, but i love it) and she's addicted to buying a whole lot of random stuff (most of which she doesn't really need, but it makes her happy), and we both use our own money for those purchases.
she makes more money than me (she has a salary with benefits, i work with my self-employed dad and make a ton per hour, but don't have too many hours most weeks) but we're both pretty good with our money, so i think we'll be fine.
Active Member
I think if I ever got to the point, I'd make a joint account for bills and we'd each pay in half and then have our regular accounts.
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