The Relationship Thread

[isak]

Why is that awful?

And I'm sorry for you, but look at it in a good way, you are only 18, time to move on and he certainly wasn't worth it

I think the guy really likes me though, and he's really nice, but I think he's kinda just a rebound thing, which feels a little unfair. Thanks though, I guess it would be a little strange if I stayed with the same guy from being 15, but it's been a really important 3 years, from leaving school and getting part time jobs and coming to grips with things and going through college, and he's been there for it all, it'll take a while to get used to being alone and having so much spare time. there aren't many people I really feel comfortable talking about it with either, I never so much as mention being gay to my male friends or my family really.

[sentient02970]

My boyfriend who I've been with for nearly 3 years , broke up with me on Monday, still a really big shock,

I'm sorry. You can't expect this to feel normal after a few days. I think the best advice, through the process, is just continue to feel good about yourself and who you really are (you're NOT "dispensable"). You'll likely hit the place where you wonder if there's something wrong with you...that's the first thing you need to stop doing. It'll get better from there. My best to you.

[Dra508]

Both of my adult step-kids came up to me at a party this weekend telling me how much they love me and one mentioned how he won't be taking sides, just supporting wherever he can. Did I say these were adult kids? Very adult. I'm very impressed and touched.

I just had this same experience with my two brothers. I talked to both of them last week about my situation and they said things like "we don't judge you", "we want the best for you" and "we love you". Sniff sniff waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

[sentient02970]

That's great Dra, your brothers rock.

[botley]

Either I'm desperate to get laid or still really genuinely care about this woman. Or both. We'll see.

It's the latter. I still love her and she seems to love me but we're clearly not in love anymore. Fantasies about hooking up again are just that. This is very sad for me, but of course I'll survive. It was still the right decision to break up. Sigh...

[Pillfred]

It's the latter. I still love her and she seems to love me but we're clearly not in love anymore. Fantasies about hooking up again are just that. This is very sad for me, but of course I'll survive. It was still the right decision to break up. Sigh...

I find myself in the same spot more or less and it is very shitty indeed.

[Christo]

The question is does he know this? I point this out just because I've been told that I sometimes don't give out enough information/affection/comfort. If we are reserved in our affection, one doesn't have the comfort of knowing that you will be there once they are done going through their own shit. You can't promise, but you can tell them you can try. Now, I'm talking about myself.

For the most part, sounds like you have got things figured out, I'm happy for you.

Age differences matter only if you two make them matter.

I told him I would. But I don't think I can honestly put myself through feeling like shit all the time until he works it out. I'm giving him space and trying to keep myself busy.

[lady weetly]

Some strange things happened this week. That mutual friend of my ex became single late last week and has been flirting with me. I was supposed to hang out with him last night to talk, but I'm really sick with a head cold and called it off (even though he was really persistant with still wanting to see me which made it awkward). The other weird thing is I started hanging out and reconnecting with my best friend from high school for the first time in like two years. It's been really nice catching up, but he sent me kinda a vague message and I'm afraid he has feelings for me with the way he worded it. I don't want that to ruin our friendship because he's a good friend and I really hope it's nothing. On top of all this, next month makes it 3 months since the break up and also what would have been our 2 year anniversary. I'm still not over my ex and I've made it very clear to to both of them. :/ This all is just really odd.

Edit: Aw fuck, my best friend just told me he has feelings for me. Shit. Now what?

[Fixer808]

Aw fuck, my best friend just told me he has feelings for me. Shit. Now what?

Bang him. Can't hurt, right? Right?!
Seriously, though, I've been on both sides of that. You need to do some serious evaluation, it's like a "Choose Your Own Adventure" book:
"Do I have feelings for him as well? If yes, go to page 123. If no, go to page 60"

If you DO go to page 60, drop the bomb easy, but firmly.

[icklekitty]

Depending on the exact situation, you could hand him a "I don't fancy you, but wanna have sex once?" option.


(Shreena has done this)

[Rémy]

I met a woman at a Christmas party last night. I thought we got along well throughout the evening. She was interested in my work and we had a few points where we were off away from the rest of the people at the party chatting away on our own for 30 mins at a time. Before I left I asked her for her number and said we should do something this week. Her reaction seemed positive. Now I'm at a bit of a loss as to where to go from here. I'm leaving for R&R on the 4th of January, so I have to ring her and set something up soon (ie. this week). But being in Kabul limits my options. There are a few on-limit restaurants we could go to, but I doubt either of us wants to be ogled and judged by nosey Afghan staff. I was going to invite her to the company bar, but outsiders aren't allowed in. The only other thing I can think of is inviting her around to my place for dinner. But that seems incredibly forward. My choices aren't really all that spectacular. Ideas?

[Dra508]

Seems like your only option is the restaurant. If you really like her and want to get to know her, you going to let a few nosey Afghans stop you? I don't care what culture you come from, but first date at your place has got to be "forward" in all of them. That's my two cents/afghani.

[Rémy]

I think I'm getting sent out to the field in three days for a few nights in a very last-minute change of plans. So I guess I have to ring her tonight. I'll ask her where she wants to go to eat, that way she can pick somewhere where she's been before and is comfortable with the staff. Assuming she says yes, that is.

[sick among the pure]

My boyfriend very sneakily slipped a silver band on my left ring finger while holding my hand when my family was opening presents yesterday. I hugged him like crazy, said "of course", and now my fiance agrees that I won x-mas.

[lady weetly]

^ Congratulations!! That's fantastic and super cute.

Re Fixer808 & icklekitty: I responded back and explained that I don't have those feelings for him. He took it well and we're still going to hang out as friends like before. I wouldn't want to hurt him even more and also I'm not attracted to him. I've never "friend-zoned" someone before, so I was kinda spazzing out, but it really went okay. I just feel kinda bad that I had to though. :/

[Magtig]

One major problem is that in London, I'm essentially homeless at the moment. A massive commission I was meant to be on fucked up at the last minute, at the same time my lease expired. So I've been essentially living with him for almost the entire time of our relationship. Which obviously I hate doing, because it moves things way too fast, but the alternate is not seeing him for a long period of time, which I also don't want to do. I've had a really difficult month and today I realised I've thrown myself into this relationship to mask the other problems I'm having. A realisation I came to today, which has really helped me process and analyse things.

Oh the joys of freelance photography. I'm in the exact same boat (massive) commission wise, and it's hard enough without all the relationship complications. You're in a really tough situation, and being in a close quarter living situation with this person is probably exacerbating the tension and paranoia. If you can figure out a way to stay somewhere else, you probably should even though you don't want to (even if it just means staying a few nights with a different friend, etc). If you do that make sure you explain your decision in a completely up front way to your partner. In fact, I would say that if you really want this to have a chance of working, lay your cards on the table. Have a lot of in depth discussions, be completely up front about how you feel, and include the messy paranoid parts of your personality. This is definitely not an easy thing to do, but if this guy really does love you he'll respect it. Ultimately, if he can't accept you for who you are (and vice versa), it won't work anyway no matter how much love is involved.

It also might help for you to put some effort into actively and consistently reminding yourself that you're a good person. I know that sounds a little cheesy, but it's oddly easy to forget (at least for me, anyway).

[Rémy]

We're having dinner at a restaurant on Wednesday night. Excitement has now given way to absolute terror. Here's to hoping I don't fuck this up.

[Dra508]

We're having dinner at a restaurant on Wednesday night. Excitement has now given way to absolute terror. Here's to hoping I don't fuck this up.

relaaaaaaaaaaax, she obviously wants to chat with you if she agreed to it sit across from you and break bread. Just don't pick your nose.

[YKWYA]

relaaaaaaaaaaax, she obviously wants to chat with you if she agreed to it sit across from you and break bread. Just don't pick your nose.

Good luck to you man! Hope all goes well.

I just wondered though: OK, sure, going on 'special' occasions etc, is important (I think, in relationships) but ultimately, if you are in one, then, you need to be friends, and the real you comes out at 6:15 in the morning making coffee for work. What Im wondering is, why do we choose 'dinner' (situations) as a means to getting to know someone, and make it into some super occasion we should be nervous about, when actually, you could go for a walk etc. Call me boring. But, surely the person you 'love' should be comfortable to be around? I mean, on this thinking we then spend all our time trying to catch up to the 'sell' image of ourselves at dinner. Not the Dog Days at 6:15. But anyhow, Im not well versed in this. Unless of course you just want to fuck, in which case, that fine too. But then, whats to worry about?

[Rémy]

In general I agree with what you're saying, but on the practical side of things, living in a war zone and working hellish hours only really leaves evenings and dinners for any type of socialising. I'm less worried now. Dra is right: When I met her I was just being myself and it was comfortable and we had fun. No reason why I should act any differently now.

[Christo]

Wooo! I got dumped!

[halloween]

Wooo! I got dumped!

Shit! Sorry to hear, hopefully it didn't go down too ugly?

[Pillfred]

Talked to the ex the other day when i picked up the last of my stuff. In talking to her it is apparent that she is in a bad spot mixed up in something that she doesn't need right now. I won't get into it but it's not good. I know their is nothing I can do to help her but after 8 years i owe it to her to at least be honest. She may very well hate me for saying it but i don't think anyone else will.

[scotty79]

ever feel no matter what you do you're always in the wrong?

[Fixer808]

ever feel no matter what you do you're always in the wrong?

It's called "having a wife", AMIRITE FELLAHS?

[scotty79]

It's called "having a wife", AMIRITE FELLAHS?

well it looks like I may be out of that before it gets that far

[theruiner]

But we talked and we decided we need to put more effort into making it an actual relationship, and now that we've got more time on our hands I think we'll be able to.

Translation=more fucking

AMIRITE FELLAHS?

[Christo]

Alcohol daze for a week

[isak]

Since my break up I can't seem to keep myself occupied. I need people, all the time, I can't stand being alone and it's really taking it's toll, I've spent far too much money, I have 5 exams within the next 3 weeks that I've done no work for, and I've barely stopped drinking. Even tonight, I've came home midday, then washed, napped, got up and have sought out other things to do. I can't even just sit and read or watch TV most the time, I need to be trying to get out the house. Also, all of the guys I'm seeing, I don't like that much and it just makes me want my ex back, BUT I CAN'T STOP. Ugh.

[Pillfred]

Since my break up I can't seem to keep myself occupied. I need people, all the time, I can't stand being alone and it's really taking it's toll, I've spent far too much money, I have 5 exams within the next 3 weeks that I've done no work for, and I've barely stopped drinking. Even tonight, I've came home midday, then washed, napped, got up and have sought out other things to do. I can't even just sit and read or watch TV most the time, I need to be trying to get out the house. Also, all of the guys I'm seeing, I don't like that much and it just makes me want my ex back, BUT I CAN'T STOP. Ugh.

Just focus on school, its what i did for the first two months after me and the lady split. However the breakdown was patiently waiting for me after it ended. I've just made my piece with it though, well 95% of it anyhow. On that note i finally got my stuff with her sorted out and it seems here in the future when we have something other than the last 8 years to talk about we will be friends still. So that's good.