The Relationship Thread

[Charmingly Miserable]

Recycling is a good one.

For me, a break it moment would be if he can't spell. Maybe I'm coming off as a bitch about it but that shit bothers me.

[Fixer808]

Eeeeeeeeeeee. She's on her way!

[implanted_microchip]

So recently I realized that if I didn't cut off contact with my ex (who was, not to get too negative/personal here, but nevertheless, seemingly going out of her way to make things worse for me, regularly contacting me just to tell me upsetting things, telling me it wasn't fair whenever I'd try to discuss our breakup, etc., in general just being amazingly inconsiderate while calling me just that and seemingly projecting everything she's doing right back onto me; mutual acquaintances have even told me they're getting irritated at her because she doesn't seem remotely different or upset at all and seems to have moved on a long time ago, and regularly says I have no reason to be upset), it would just make things significantly worse. As much as I really want my best friend in my life I think I'm starting to understand that she doesn't want to be my best friend anymore, and I can't care about someone who doesn't care about me, if that makes sense. I guess that's selfish to say but hey, after so long of trying for someone else I think I kind of deserve a certain amount of selfishness. She, after having said she just didn't think she could handle relationships for a long time and that was the real reason she left, suddenly seven days later claimed she is dating someone else and told them she loves them. It's the most amazingly childish thing I've ever seen someone I honestly respected and considered an intelligent, wonderful person do, and it really made me stop giving a shit completely, because either she's trying to hurt me or she's just that, I don't know, crazy as a person. I'm just not going to keep hurting myself by involving myself with someone who so clearly doesn't care how many destructive or hurtful things they do to those around them, regardless of how harsh or impersonal it may seem. I have enough to deal with on my own (anyone who has seen my updates in the mental health thread knows what I mean to a degree), I can't let someone else drag me further down when they have no intention of helping me back up.

Everyone I've spoken to in person has tried to tell me that I should just be happy being alone and find comfort in being by myself, etc., etc., and that I don't need to have someone who makes me feel like I'm not completely alone to be happy, and while I know there's truth to that it really feels like anyone I've spoken to doesn't understand that when you spend years feeling connected to someone it becomes normal and a part of your life at all times, you never feel alone and there's such a strength we all get as human beings from truly feeling like we're not isolated as people. Going back to that sense of total isolation, with no one to really turn to, no real friends to talk to, no one to hang out with or waste time with, no one to share all of the things I love with, it's like going from one extreme temperature to another. I know there's nothing anyone can really say to make that go away, and I know people that've told me those things are just trying to be helpful, but it's almost the opposite because it seems to belittle or ignore how this can really feel.

There's this one girl I've known for about seven years now who I've been talking to constantly since this happened, and considering she's someone who I've never gotten along with and who has never really been friendly to me at all, it's incredibly confusing how much she seems to suddenly care about me, but it's a nice feeling. I don't really know what it is or what it means but I'm not going to worry about it, it's just so relieving to feel like there's someone who I know and can see face to face who actually gives a shit and seems to want to know me rather than want something from me. It's kind of difficult to know why it is that after seven years of being very impersonal and sometimes honestly hurtful/hateful towards me, this person is suddenly treating me like a really great friend and seems to care quite a bit, but I'm not going to question it and cause the one relationship with anyone in my life that I have now that seems remotely close or potentially close, if that makes any sense.

[allegro]

Going back to that sense of total isolation, with no one to really turn to, no real friends to talk to, no one to hang out with or waste time with, no one to share all of the things I love with, it's like going from one extreme temperature to another. I know there's nothing anyone can really say to make that go away, and I know people that've told me those things are just trying to be helpful, but it's almost the opposite because it seems to belittle or ignore how this can really feel.

If it's any consolation:

I was with my dickhead ex-husband for 7 years, left him, and I was suddenly totally alone. By choice, but alone. In a different state, 320 miles away from all of my family and friends, totally isolated and alone. And it was rough at first but I made new friends and I survived. And I'm WAY better off, it was the best decision I ever made!

A few years ago, my mother's husband of over 40 years passed away. My mother hadn't lived alone IN OVER 50 YEARS. And it's been 2 years and she's doing great. We sold her house, her furniture, and we moved her to another state to be closer to me and my husband, and she's renting our friend's condo on the 5th floor facing Executive Airport and some beautiful forest preserves and she loves it, and she started her whole life all over again. At first, for months, she was grieving, lost, terrified, sad. But, now she's pretty happy. She has new friends, she is familiar with the area, she has a new Honda. Life goes on. She still misses my stepdad every single day. But, she's still living her life.

But you have to WANT to survive. It's scary. It's sad. But, you have to WANT to move past it. My mom went to group grief counseling and dropped out after 2 weeks because there were people in there who'd been going for, like, 5 years and were still so pissed off that their spouse died that they couldn't move past it and they weren't living. They were paralyzed with anger that their spouse died, or with grief that they were alone. They were choosing to spend the rest of their days in grief or anger.

You obviously have decided to help yourself to get past this, too, and that's a healthy step.

[implanted_microchip]

@allegro : thanks for that, seriously.

[implanted_microchip]

I've all but done just that; I really don't have any real close friends anyways, and the one that I do has stopped talking to her at all. I'm really trying as much as I can to make sure I can just move past this and not have constant reminders of her, I mean, I have enough already just from memories, triggers, etc., I don't need to have everyone around me adding to that. It took me a few days but I finally got around to getting rid of photos, etc., and it's honestly made it a lot easier. I'm not constantly looking over on my desk and seeing pictures an reminiscing, I'm not regularly looking around my house and seeing specific things she left around, and even though initially I thought having those things would help remember the good, all remembering the good does is contrast the present more and make things feel far worse.

So yeah, I'm really trying to make it to where I can transition to this part of my life as smoothly as I can, and I know it's not going to be an easy process or a fast one at all, but I feel like it's hard enough already, I don't need everything else piling up along with it. Thanks for the encouragement, it's really helpful and makes things seem far more achievable.

[allegro]

I'm not sure if you're into Facebook or whatever, but that also means unfriending everybody on Facebook. And unfollowing everybody on Twitter. I'm not just talking friends. I'm talking anybody and everybody who can report back or have contact, know what I mean? You don't need that shit. She has a boyfriend, now? Great. Have a nice life. You don't need to keep hearing about it. Which you will, if you all know each other on Facebook.

[implanted_microchip]

Yeah, I've definitely gone through a "Spring cleaning" on FB and either just unfollowed people or flat-out unfriended/blocked them. Thankfully I don't use Twitter. And yeah, I definitely agree on not wanting to know about things, and I know it's an almost childish attitude to have but I really do feel like at this point she can fuck off if she's going to be as ridiculous as she's being. I'm not interested in seeing anything she has to say or hearing it from anyone else, and even though from time to time I get the urge to check out places I know she goes online or ask people things, I've managed to resist that and accept that it's a temporary desire that very quickly fades that if I acted on would only serve to make me more upset and prolong the difficulty of it. Even on gmail I've removed her and a few other people from my contacts, just so I don't have to see the little icon or be reminded of it.

As someone who has had a very large internet presence for years now it's definitely been hard trying to remember all the places I may have shared/posted something but I've tried my best at removing what I can and ignoring anything else, so I'm pretty sure I'm about done in having to remove what I can. Honestly the toughest thing was finding every photo I had saved on my hard drive; there ended up being several gigs of just pictures, and deleting all of them took quite some time. It's all done now though!

[allegro]

It's NOT childish. It's actually the opposite. It's adult. The childish response is to want to know. The adult response is to cut all ties and move on. Deleting and purging can be very liberating! As you may be finding out right now, LOL!

[Charmingly Miserable]

So recently I realized that if I didn't cut off contact with my ex (who was, not to get too negative/personal here, but nevertheless, seemingly going out of her way to make things worse for me, regularly contacting me just to tell me upsetting things, telling me it wasn't fair whenever I'd try to discuss our breakup, etc., in general just being amazingly inconsiderate while calling me just that and seemingly projecting everything she's doing right back onto me; mutual acquaintances have even told me they're getting irritated at her because she doesn't seem remotely different or upset at all and seems to have moved on a long time ago, and regularly says I have no reason to be upset), it would just make things significantly worse. As much as I really want my best friend in my life I think I'm starting to understand that she doesn't want to be my best friend anymore, and I can't care about someone who doesn't care about me, if that makes sense. I guess that's selfish to say but hey, after so long of trying for someone else I think I kind of deserve a certain amount of selfishness. She, after having said she just didn't think she could handle relationships for a long time and that was the real reason she left, suddenly seven days later claimed she is dating someone else and told them she loves them. It's the most amazingly childish thing I've ever seen someone I honestly respected and considered an intelligent, wonderful person do, and it really made me stop giving a shit completely, because either she's trying to hurt me or she's just that, I don't know, crazy as a person. I'm just not going to keep hurting myself by involving myself with someone who so clearly doesn't care how many destructive or hurtful things they do to those around them, regardless of how harsh or impersonal it may seem. I have enough to deal with on my own (anyone who has seen my updates in the mental health thread knows what I mean to a degree), I can't let someone else drag me further down when they have no intention of helping me back up.

Everyone I've spoken to in person has tried to tell me that I should just be happy being alone and find comfort in being by myself, etc., etc., and that I don't need to have someone who makes me feel like I'm not completely alone to be happy, and while I know there's truth to that it really feels like anyone I've spoken to doesn't understand that when you spend years feeling connected to someone it becomes normal and a part of your life at all times, you never feel alone and there's such a strength we all get as human beings from truly feeling like we're not isolated as people. Going back to that sense of total isolation, with no one to really turn to, no real friends to talk to, no one to hang out with or waste time with, no one to share all of the things I love with, it's like going from one extreme temperature to another. I know there's nothing anyone can really say to make that go away, and I know people that've told me those things are just trying to be helpful, but it's almost the opposite because it seems to belittle or ignore how this can really feel.

I totally get EVERY word you say. If we weren't on opposite sides of the country, I'd give you the biggest fucking hug you have ever needed. Fuck it, I'm hugging you anyways. Relationships (or lack thereof) do suck at times. However, please note that you are not alone. I'm here for you, all these miles apart.

[implanted_microchip]

@Charmingly Miserable : Thanks, hugs to you too! I could really use a hug; the only person I get them from is why I need one now, though, which is really hard to get used to. I've honestly never felt a romantic relationship be this awful in my life, and considering before this it was the best I'd ever felt, it's really something I think I still haven't completely comprehended just yet. I still feel like a big part of me is shutdown/in shock and not really processing anything. I still keep expecting to hear her voice or see her walk past me to go get some water or ask me to help her with the laundry, etc. I've been finding as many ways to distract myself as possible but at the end of the day that's all they are, distractions.

But it is what it is, y'know? I keep having this urge to find a way to contact her and tell her I'm sorry and want her back, but I know all it would do is make it hurt more when I see her say no again. I can't let myself end up in more positions to be hurt by this person. Even though it's a struggle to not put myself in those positions, I know I'm better off struggling than being in them, ultimately.

And yeah, loneliness is a weird thing. It's like someone gets so integrated into your life and built into your memory that everything you do, they're a part of it; we even showered together from time to time, for fuck's sake. All of the music I listen to or shows I watch or books I read, I always shared them with her, so now something as simple as sitting down to watch something on TV that I regularly watch is a completely weird experience; I watched Hannibal last Friday and kept stopping myself from saying things out loud, because I realized she wasn't there to hear them. It's like people get so used to not being alone that once they are it's an alien thing even though that's what we are for most of our lives anyways.

But really, thanks a lot man. You and everyone else around here have all been very awesome to me throughout this and it's just making me more and more glad I signed up here a few months ago.

[Fixer808]

I think this one is going to stick. Time will tell...

[ophelia_]

The guy I'm banging at the moment invited me over to watch Game of Thrones with his mum tonight... is this verging into relationship territory? :/

He's 22, so lives at home, and I've met his parents before and I'll say hi and ask how they're going as I walk up to his room, but... Hanging out and having dinner and watching GoT is a bit different. Maybe I'm just overthinking it and it's nothing?

[icecream]

When you meet the parents some people think it gets serious

[ophelia_]

Well, I've met them... And he obviously talks to his mum about me because when I got back from a trip she asked how it was, even though I've never mentioned it to her.

But... I've never spent more than 5 minutes chatting to her. So this is kinda different.

I dunno. I'm not good at this relationship stuff >.<

[implanted_microchip]

Goddamn, even laying in bed to go to sleep feels wrong by myself now. Looks like it's gonna be one of those nights where I get to sleep for half an hour, then wake up and never fall back. Really thought I was over this whole uncontrollable crying thing; man did my body decide to prove me wrong!

[playwithfire]

Well, I've met them... And he obviously talks to his mum about me because when I got back from a trip she asked how it was, even though I've never mentioned it to her.

But... I've never spent more than 5 minutes chatting to her. So this is kinda different.

I dunno. I'm not good at this relationship stuff >.<

I wouldn't overthink it until you have a reason to. I don't think it's that much of a stretch to want to hang out with someone who you obviously enjoy spending time with in sexier ways. Doesn't have to mean anything.

[ophelia_]

Yeah, you're right... He's upstairs playing League of Legends and I'm hanging out with his mum talking about Eurovision. It's pretty standard 'friends who have sex behaviour', it's okay. Haha.

[BrownEyedStatistic]

I'm married.
He keeps me going.
He keeps me hanging on.
He keeps me in touch with reality, yet out of sync with myself.
I love him, adore him, and appreciate is every word--
His slumber
His wake.
Whenever I find myself in a puddle of myself,
He'll be there to pull me back in shape.
Even though I am not perfect,
All though our future is mostly likely grim
My love chooses to stand tall
For me
Through the thick and the thin
And I shall do the same.
I'll hold him in my arms
Till the very end.

You and I and our Little Glass House

(inspired by both this thread and Zero Sum)

[owinn]

Sweet love and marriage
A little bit of fucking
A screaming baby

Inspired by real life events.

[Sarah K]

Bro, just date someone who isn't your wife...

[Dra508]

There's always one or two days in my girlfriends PMS cycle where it feels like she hates me. I know its just the PMS and she doesn't even know she's PMS'ing or that she's acting different but after almost 4 years it's really borderline infuriating. So yesterday I had visibly just fucking had it and just decided I didn't want to pretend I wasn't pissed off anymore but also didn't feel like fighting about it because it's never good to fight when you're heated about something. So I just exploded internally while she kept asking if I was alright or why I looked mad.

I hate PMS, I hate periods, control your vagina.

You know, I can relate to your girl friend. When I "PMS" I used to lash out and. To really realize it was PMS until after. I've come to learn that that's just lazy behavior. It took several months of my BF calling me out for being a pip.

What I'm saying is you shouldn't feel that you should be silent. Just because she's PMSing, doesn't give a woman the right to shit all over the person they love, every month.

[Dra508]

Sweet love and marriage
A little bit of fucking
A screaming baby

Inspired by real life events.

Wait, You have a baby????!!!

[playwithfire]

"SOON"

I was going to put a picture of a fetus wearing sunglasses here but Google Image Search disappoints.

[Sarah K]

I'm married.
He keeps me going.
He keeps me hanging on.
He keeps me in touch with reality, yet out of sync with myself.
I love him, adore him, and appreciate is every word--
His slumber
His wake.
Whenever I find myself in a puddle of myself,
He'll be there to pull me back in shape.
Even though I am not perfect,
All though our future is mostly likely grim
My love chooses to stand tall
For me
Through the thick and the thin
And I shall do the same.
I'll hold him in my arms
Till the very end.

You and I and our Little Glass House

(inspired by both this thread and Zero Sum)

Okay... so I've read this like 64 times now. Is this about your husband or...?

I need to know if I should retract my facepalm.

Plz clarify, kthx.

[BrownEyedStatistic]

Yes it's about my husband ;D

[ophelia_]

How do I stop having a crush on someone? Helppppp.

I think the 22 year old is making me like him. He cooked me breakfast this morning. And cuddled me all night, and even slept in the wet patch so I wouldn't have to. And he holds my hand in bed. And is ridiculously cute. MAKE IT STAHP!

I know this is a relationship thread, but until yesterday, I was quite happy not being in a relationship and now he's being all adorable and blah.

[nin5in]

My husband is depressed and refuses to seek treatment for it. What makes it even worse is that he's an OTR Truck Driver. I'm so scared that he might end up taking his own life behind the wheel out there. This hurts me so bad to see him like this.

[sentient02970]

My husband is depressed and refuses to seek treatment for it. What makes it even worse is that he's an OTR Truck Driver. I'm so scared that he might end up taking his own life behind the wheel out there. This hurts me so bad to see him like this.

I've been in his shoes until I agreed to sit with my physician with my wife at the time. Seeing her bawl and cry in that exam room over a condition I didn't recognize got me into therapy right away. I hope he can be convinced that his problem is not just his problem but also affects everyone who loves him. That did it for me anyway. My best to you.

[nin5in]

@sentient02970 Thanks for the sentiment. It feels good to be able to reach out and ther's someone listening.