Originally Posted by
kleiner352
Basically I'm not quite sure; the person I've been living with for 2 years (something I've never done with anyone else before) left tonight, incredibly suddenly, there was no thorough explanation, no complete answers.
Basically I've been dealing with an incredibly heavy fog of depression for several months now; in the past when she's been depressed, I've been strong enough to help her through. This time around I've been so weak and have been struggling so much to keep myself together that I've had a hard time focusing on her, and I think this time I just wasn't strong enough to help her. She told me she couldn't handle me anymore, that I was making her suicidal, that I'm too much stress and too whiney, that I've been too much to put up with, and I'm terrified that she was right. Shortly after she tried to tell me it's not my fault, that she simply isn't a relationship person and that she's sorry she let me down, but one of these things is not like the others. I don't know how to feel. I know I shouldn't blame myself, but I can't help it -- I've never known anyone who meant so much to me.
What felt so ironic was that just today I was in a store and looked at the jewelry section and was thinking of what kind of ring I wanted to get her; I had planned on proposing to her later this year at a NIN show, which would have been both of ours second time seeing them.
Before leaving she called her mother to come pick her up, a woman who we both have learned to completely avoid and who was always abusive towards her, told me she was tired of me trying to "convince" her that her mother didn't care about her (despite her herself having reached that conclusion before, with me only speaking up after she had said it herself), and called the cops to escort her out.
Now let me make it clear, I've never been violent with her, I've never been forceful, never any sort of abuse on either of our ends. The only reason I can imagine her calling a cop to come in and talk to me and see if things were "okay" would be because she thought I might try to kill myself; considering the officer asked if "anyone was hurt" and looked specifically at my bare arms/wrists, I can only imagine that's what it was.
I had gotten home today and everything seemed okay; we've been making a lot of life plans lately, and things have been generally happy (so I thought). While otherwise I've had a hard year so far emotionally, with she and I everything seemed fantastic. Suddenly within an hour of talking she told me she couldn't handle me anymore, and within the next hour was completely gone.
Sorry if that was a big ramble; I've still hardly figured out what just happened. We've fought in the past like all couples have and it's never been an immediate thing like this; we've always talked through things, figured out what to do to make the other happy, etc., and have never treated breaking up like a solution to problems. The few times we've nearly split, it's always been built up and allowed for chances to talk things out and keep it from happening, as neither of us wanted it to come to that; this time there was no talking, there was no reasoning, there was simply one of us swiftly leaving suddenly and the other being left behind. It's like this woman had made her mind up far in advance and has simply been waiting for the time do it, and I don't know which scares me more, the thought that this was a sudden and irrational decision that basically shut all the doors between us in a flash, or that I've been completely unaware of something like this for months because I've been too naive or my perception's been distorted.
Honestly, this past year has been the first that I truly felt we'd last forever, as i'd always viewed it as "we enjoy it as long as we can," but as I've thought more and more about marriage it's become a strong sense of something inevitable. She and I had discussed it constantly, she'd openly said she would be completely happy with it and looked forward to it, and every month for the past year it's felt like we've been really building towards officially making a strong life together in a powerful and happy way, and now this happened.
We've gone through things before, and this is the only time I've ever felt so certain that nothing I try to do can change it. It's just . . . over.