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Thread: The Relationship Thread

  1. #3181
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    Quote Originally Posted by richardp View Post
    After spending a couple of days apart and not communicating during that time, me and my partner regrouped and had an extremely long talk about why this was happening. Eventually we both realized that we don't not want to be in each other's lives but also really crave independence and the ability to maneuver life by our own terms at times. It actually ended up being an incredibly healthy and positive experience. By the end of it we agreed to continue trying the relationship and not drop 14 years down the drain. So we're going to actively try to redirect our relationship to engage in openness with the freedom to experiment around without judgment while still remaining committed to each other.

    I dont know. It's a complete total 180 of where this situation was at a few days ago, but I'm feeling very relieved and I guess excited about it now. I don't know if having an open relationship will work or not, and I guess we will see, but I really hope it does. What an incredible weird and confusing year this is.

    Really feeling for you @eskimo. That fucking blows so hard, man. I'm really sorry that happened.
    i have a bunch of friends who are or have been in open relationships. the most important part of an open relationship is 100% honesty and transparency. don't sneak around behind each other's backs, don't violate trust. set up clear boundaries and rules for both of you to follow. otherwise one or both of you will end up doing something that you didn't realize the other person wasn't ok with, and it'll make things EXTREMELY messy and upsetting. do regular check-ins to make sure the terms you've agreed to are still cool with both of you. and above all else, remember to remain kind to each other.

  2. #3182
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    Thanks everyone. I'm hurting like hell, but it's for the best. We've been through multiple break ups before and getting back together.

    When she does something that hurts me, if I talk to her about it, she tells me that's hurting her. And that I'm being controlling, and abusive.

    On Friday the province announced that we could have 10 people "circles" who we didn't need to socially distance with. I was excited because we could be together again for the first time in 3 months.

    She didn't want to, but told me it was a health concern. Told me she wanted to have a conversation about it, but then refused to answer any questions I asked her about her feelings on it. I told her I was hurt by that, and was crying on the phone. She told me that I was guilt-tripping her, and trying to have power over her. I was just sobbing because I was falling apart.

    I've been trying to hold it together. We got back together again in January, after a few months apart. Things were fine, until the pandemic started. A few weeks into it, she told me that I had a bad attitude towards work and went on a two-hour diatribe attacking both that I was going to work and that I wasn't. Then she told me I had become obsessed with my kids and figuring out how to protect them. Then she told me that she was planning on doing a lot of personal growth during the pandemic and that if I didn't get in lock-step (her words) with her personal growth, there would be no future for us.

    I wrote her a letter about my feelings, and she refused to read it, and called it a feelings dump without even looking at it. She threatened to dump me, and did, then immediately walked it back. Things never got resolved.

    A few weeks ago she told me she was having problems with me having friends who were female. Told me that any female friend I had was a threat to our relationship, because I wasn't investing time into our relationship, I was investing time into those friendships instead. I wanted to invest time into our relationship, but she was working so much that she was unavailable beyond a phone call for an hour each night before bed. But she insisted that I end the friendships I had with two women, so I did.

    I did that for her. But I guess it didn't matter. Because I was upset and hurt that she didn't want to get together now that we were allowed. So when I was crying, she started yelling at me about how abusive I was being. And the next day, on the phone, I had already told her at least a dozen times that we didn't need to get together, but I was really hurt that she didn't want to, but telling her that if she was going to do something that was hurting me, I needed her to at least be sensitive around that, and give me some kind of reassurance. She just kept telling me that was abusive, and accusing me of trying to control her.

    Then I yelled at her. I told her no more. I told her I wasn't going to tell her anymore that it was OK for her to keep hurting me, because it wasn't, and me giving her permission to keep hurting me was destroying my self-esteem, and self-respect and I couldn't do it anymore, it had to stop.

    And so she dumped me because I yelled at her over the phone.

    I feel miserable. Everything feels awful. I'm going to have to reach out to a therapist tomorrow.
    Last edited by eskimo; 06-17-2020 at 07:25 AM.

  3. #3183
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    hang in there @eskimo

    reaching out to a therapist is a great idea. almost all of them are offering tele-therapy right now (which is being covered by most insurance providers, as far as i know).

  4. #3184
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    Quote Originally Posted by eversonpoe View Post
    hang in there @eskimo

    reaching out to a therapist is a great idea. almost all of them are offering tele-therapy right now (which is being covered by most insurance providers, as far as i know).
    I reached out to one today and am waiting to hear back. They offer online therapy sessions right now, and they're located close to work for when the pandemic is over. I think I'm going to need to be in therapy for a while, because I keep choosing abusive or unavailable partners.

    My ex-wife was emotionally, physically and sexually abusive. The next one was emotionally unavailable, and in a long-distance relationship with someone else the whole time. The next one was sleeping with everyone she could, and quite possible an actual psychopath. This one was emotionally abusive.

    The thing that's getting to me, is that even after I realized what was happening, I still stayed in these relationships, even though I knew better. My ex-wife, I didn't call it quits until the abuse turned physical. The next one, I stayed in that relationship even after she told me about her other guy. The next one, it was obvious she was cheating, but I still stayed anyways. This one was obviously emotionally abusive, and I begged her to take me back at Christmas after almost 3 months apart.

    And I knew these things, but I couldn't stop myself from trying to stay with these women, and breaking things off when I recognized the abuse, and then begging them to take me back later.

    I need to figure out why I keep doing that, and then work on myself so that I don't do that again.

  5. #3185
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    it does seem like you have a pattern going on that you could probably benefit from talking to a good therapist about. I mean that in the most sincerely supportive and non-judgmental way. I know how shitty and flippant things like that can sound, especially from strangers on the net.

  6. #3186
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    Quote Originally Posted by eskimo View Post
    So, I hadn't seen my (now ex)-girlfriend since March because of COVID-19. As of Friday the province had given the OK for 10 person bubbles. I was excited together for the first time in 3 months. She didn't want to. Got dumped today.

    Fuck this. Fuck everything.
    So sorry to hear about this, we're in a similar boat with this situation. Hope you manage to get some help from the therapist. This really is a fucking shit year.

  7. #3187
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jord View Post
    So sorry to hear about this, we're in a similar boat with this situation. Hope you manage to get some help from the therapist. This really is a fucking shit year.
    Oh geez....I'm really sorry dude.

    Maybe we should have some beers over Zoom and talk shit about our ex's.

  8. #3188
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    My ex and I are talking again, but I'm having a really hard time seeing things from her perspective. I've talked to friends about this, and they're all telling me they think she has trust issues she needs to work on and that she's not being reasonable. She said she asked a bunch of her friends and asked random people on the internet and got told she was right and her reaction was reasonable.

    We hadn't seen each other since March, because of the pandemic. And we were having problems, things weren't going well between us.

    I also shop for a company on the side called Instacart. One day I was at the grocery store and the payment card for Instacart wasn't working. Someone there told me a bunch of other Instacart shoppers were all having the same issue, and one of them came over. Her and I chatted for a little while, because neither of us had ever run into this issue before and we weren't sure what to do.

    When I got home, I went into a facebook group for Instacart shoppers and saw someone else from halfway across the country asking if the cards were down for everyone or just her, and I responded to say there there were 4 people in the small town I live in who were all down too, so it must have been a national issue.

    A few minutes later I had a friend request from the woman I had talked to in the store. I was a little bit surprised by that and felt it was a bit weird, but I accepted the friend request anyways.

    I told my girlfriend that night about it, and agreed it was a little bit weird. My girlfriend expressed that she thought it was weird and decided that this woman must not respect boundaries, and thought it was weird that this person who I hadn't even given my name to tracked me down on facebook. I agreed it was weird, but figured it was harmless, she had hundreds of friends, I figured she was just a friend collector or something. My girlfriend told me she didn't want to hear me complaining when she did something to upset me.

    So the woman from instacart would message me every once in a while, but it was never anything inappropriate, it was always about instacart. Questions about customers, and orders and things like that. At first I found it mildly annoying, but it wasn't really a problem and she wasn't doing anything wrong. I'd respond when she'd message me, but I wasn't reaching out to initiate any conversations either.

    A few days later my girlfriend talked to me again, and I told her we'd been chatting a bit, and my girlfriend freaked out again. She was bothered, because this woman had tracked me down on facebook, and she couldn't figure out how. I told her it was probably because of the facebook group. She was sure this woman was up to something and really bothered that I hadn't rejected the friend request out of hand. She asked me why, and I didn't really have a reason, just politeness, so that's what I told her. She kept questioning me and pushing.

    She told me my story had changed, because I hadn't included the part about me posting in the facebook group before I talked to her a few days earlier and she wanted to know why I had lied to her. I told her I hadn't lied to her, and she was insisting that my story had changed and she wanted to know why I had left out the part about the posting on the facebook group, and suggested that maybe I was trying to make her jealous. I told her I didn't know, I just didn't think of it at the time. Then she told me that with us having problems if I just admitted that I was enjoying having attention from another woman that we could then talk about it and work through it.

    The next day she told me that she had a problem and demanded that I remove this woman from my facebook and stop talking to her, so I did. It didn't change anything though, she was still mad at me for it. She's still mad about it now, even after dumping me.

    We're talking again now, and she's telling me that I was flirting with danger and not protecting our relationship. She said that it I wasn't acknowledging her emotions and hurting her by engaging in this relationship, and that it felt really bad because I was even mildly annoyed by this person (at the time, we've talked more now, she's nice, she doesn't annoy me anymore). She said that she wasn't allowed to have any other resolution because I was dismissive of her bringing it up as a concern, and so she had no choice but to demand I remove this person from my facebook.

    She says that she's talked to friends, and random people on the internet and that they're all on her side and saying she was responding reasonably. I've talked to my friends, and they're saying that I'm right and that she's being manipulative and controlling.

    I'm trying to understand, and I just don't get it. I can understand how it would have been bothersome. If the reverse situation had occurred it would have made me a bit uncomfortable, and I would have talked to her and asked for some reassurance, but I wouldn't have told her to get rid of the guy. I can understand why it would have possibly bothered her a bit, which is part of the reason why I brought it up as soon as it happened, so that I could reassure her that it was all above board, just in case the woman from instacart did something that crossed a line, or did something to become a problem later.

    I was trying to take care by bringing something up early that might have become an issue before it became one. If I had said nothing and hidden the fact that someone was talking to me and I wasn't really sure what their intentions were, and then it turned out they had been into me or something I could see why she would have been bothered by that, and threatened if I hadn't mentioned it. So I was trying to be proactive and prevent a problem before it started.

    Turns out she's still really hurt and mad by how I handled it.

    What did I do wrong here? I don't understand, and I'm trying really hard to understand.

  9. #3189
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    Nothing, she's being a real jerk and she knows exactly what she's doing. The good news is, she's an ex which means she can't bully you over something like this.

    See, it sounds like she has issues with both trust and jealousy, and her response has been narcissistic. You've been made to feel like you have to acquiesce, which gives her a lot of power. A good compromise would have been to unfriend whoever this was, and say "you're crossing a boundary and your behavior is controlling. Work on your issues". Except... you did that already. So she's placed you in a no-win situation.

    Is this what split you up? Notice how this is torturing you and you're feeling like the bad guy? It's a power trip.

    If this was me, I'd be tempted to fuck with her and tell her that you've started dating said facebook friend. See how she reacts then.

    Edit: yeah dude, the more I read through your past posts, the more this woman is coming across as a massive cunt. You're well shot of her. She's trying to keep you firmly under her thumb, and you do seem to be drawn to victimhood. I agree with the idea of going to therapy to examine this.
    Last edited by DF118; 06-27-2020 at 04:50 PM.

  10. #3190
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    Quote Originally Posted by eskimo View Post
    What did I do wrong here?
    I concur with the above post. You did nothing. She’s immature, insecure, paranoid and abusive. She needs to grow up. You should be mad at her for her bullshit.

    And you need to break free from the cycle of manipulative and abusive people.
    Last edited by allegro; 06-27-2020 at 07:16 PM.

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