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Thread: The Relationship Thread

  1. #3121
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    Agreed with all of this.
    I wish people would give up the concept of 'the one.' Life doesn't always work out the way you think it will. Especially with the constant shifting sand of messed up reality that's going on, there are a lot of external pressures that will affect your relationships. Maybe it's the one for a few years, a decade or whatever, but then you wake up and you're changed, they're changed, and you've got to move on.

    Better to take the risk and see what happens.

  2. #3122
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    Today is our 24th anniversary. Time sure flies, wow.

    We’re still happy and are bestest pals.

  3. #3123
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    Quote Originally Posted by zero View Post
    Never give up, but do keep an open mind! Playing it safe, and looking for what you think you want, are recipes for disappointment. Enticing interpersonal relationships are usually randomly initiated, and not planned.

    I met my wife in an online chat room a bit over 25 yeas ago, and we married on a whim after just a few months into our relationship. Holy shit was I scared! And married life at the beginning was NOT perfect. But ...

    Trying to find the "perfect" companion, whatever that means, is not what matters. Taking a chance, and making a commitment, and persevering, does indeed matter. It's really a choice. Accept the limited opportunities life offers and take advantage, or rebel against them and accept the outcome. It's a choice we all make every day.
    As somebody that often prefers to plan things out, I really need to keep this in mind. However, I was aware that so many factors would be out of control, so I could see how planning can be sometimes futile. I think I sometimes get caught up on that, because I was inundated with the "life-script" my entire life. I might've shaken it off, but some parts of it have been in grained in my with long-term effects as you can see. I definitely appreciate the reminder though.

    Quote Originally Posted by Magnetic View Post
    Agreed with all of this.
    I wish people would give up the concept of 'the one.' Life doesn't always work out the way you think it will. Especially with the constant shifting sand of messed up reality that's going on, there are a lot of external pressures that will affect your relationships. Maybe it's the one for a few years, a decade or whatever, but then you wake up and you're changed, they're changed, and you've got to move on.
    As I've mentioned, I'm sure it's because of the "life-script" being constantly rammed down my throat. (But thankfully not from my parents, as I'll explain here.) In my Filipino culture, it's not only expected, but believed that everybody should ideally get married and have children under 25, or at least under 30. And sometimes they even speak negatively of people that haven't gotten married and had children ages 30+ as if they're losers with no lives. (And not that it should matter. Even my parents defied that as they married and had me way after turning 30. And in hindsight, they knew to tune it out, not just because it wasn't any of their business, but they weren't even ready for serious relationships, marriage and children in their 20s either, and chose to focus on graduating college and securing and advancing their careers first before even beginning to think about marriage, let alone having children.)

    And I know this is extremely ridiculous, and in hindsight it really was and still is, but infatuation and lust have also lead me to act/belief as if the person I was addicted and obsessed with as the only one in the planet for me, when I don't even know the real person. I get that's the point of dating too, as a means to get to know the real them, but if they clearly gave no effort to communicate, or lack any desire to have anything to do with me, or tell me who they are or what's going on with their lives, or what they're doing with their lives, then it's more than obviously and clearly time for me to leave them alone and move on.

    That's also a very soul-crushing aspect of well, having "crushes" and even more reason as to why it's called a crush. That one person is not the only one on the planet, and like all previous crushes, it fades over time, since it's not even love.

    I suppose I'm just drawn to love, or even the idea/concept of love, since I never experienced it before. My curiosity, awe, wonder and even obliviousness is what actually makes me so fixated on it.

    Quote Originally Posted by Magnetic View Post
    Better to take the risk and see what happens.
    For real. It's the only thing I actually can do anyway, especially when push comes to shove. Aside from that, I definitely appreciate your advice. Thank you for helping me shift my focus on what to look for and how to look at it.
    Last edited by Halo Infinity; 03-15-2020 at 01:12 AM.

  4. #3124
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    allegrom, sometimes I simply read some horoscopes for my zodiac sign and my spouse as well, just to predict some specific behavior. This article about number 777 meaning gave me a lot of explanations of my future actions and how they can affect on my life success, in each specific situation. I like horoscopes like that, when they are written by professional astrologers.
    Last edited by kenz87; 03-19-2020 at 08:39 AM.

  5. #3125
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bachy View Post
    Well, after 19 months since moving to Colorado together, my fiance and I broke up. There were many issues between the two of us. At the end of the day, it came down to my own psychological and physical well being. I was just simply not happy. I've been depressed for quite sometime and I need to take the opportunity to take care of myself. My new promotion from work allows me to do that. I was essentially left with a choice of moving and breaking up, because she, for very very understandable reasons, could not move OR stay here and try to go into couples therapy. Unfortunately for me, it just reached the point in the relationship where it was just too late for that. I understand I'm being selfish in my decision, but at the end of the day, I do need to consider my own happiness because I am no good to anyone in our household if I'm stressed out or depressed majority of the time and the only time I'm happy is when I'm under the influence of something. I know eventually I will move on, but I know that heartbreak will always be there.
    That really sucks, and I have total empathy here. But yes, sometimes life does get thrown at you, and if you're constantly depressed you're no good to you or your fiance. Life is too short to spend it miserable.

  6. #3126
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bachy View Post
    I understand I'm being selfish in my decision, but at the end of the day, I do need to consider my own happiness because I am no good to anyone in our household if I'm stressed out or depressed majority of the time and the only time I'm happy is when I'm under the influence of something. I know eventually I will move on, but I know that heartbreak will always be there.
    The last thing you want to do is end up in a loveless relationship or marriage. While I don't believe there's someone out there for everyone, there's certainly someone out there that's "better" for you.

  7. #3127
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    That's really tough. I'm sorry. :-(

  8. #3128
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    I think we may need another talk because now she's texting me articles about having a successful relationship with depression. She got upset the other night when she tried holding my hand and I told her I'm not comfortable doing that anymore. I'm trying my best to avoid being blunt, but I don't know if I can keep doing that. In the meantime, she's crying and listening to break up music a lot which hurts me seeing her go through that. It stinks that both of us still live in the same house. It just makes everything all the more difficult. I just feel we need that space from each other because seeing each other every day makes it tough to really make that break. Unfortunately, there's really nothing we can do at this point with the coronavirus. Not really the ideal time to for anyone to be moving.

  9. #3129
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    I broke up with her again. Had to explain again we can’t resolve this here. I don’t have it in my
    heart.

  10. #3130
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    Well, this will be my final post to my string of posts regarding my breakup. Yesterday she moved out of the house with her daughter, mom, and our cat. Probably the single most difficult moment in my life, especially considering I'm doing all of this maintenance on the house to get it up for sale, painting over memories essentially in this now empty house. I never thought I would cry over a cat, but I was balling my eyes out all weekend over that little guy. We only got him last November, but I was already bonding with him.The whole situation just stinks. I will get through this though. It's almost over. I move back out to Illinois on Friday which is when the house will be up on the market. With any luck we should get something back for it as the realtor sounds pretty optimistic, so that's the one positive in all of this.

    EDIT: One thing to add: "Part of Me" by Tool is an excellent song to jam to during a breakup. I found myself singing to it a few times in the shower.
    Last edited by Bachy; 05-25-2020 at 02:27 PM.

  11. #3131
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    I'm sorry :-(

  12. #3132
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    @Bachy i'm really sorry you're going through all this, dude. it sounds very similar to the way my abusive relationship ended. really glad you figured stuff out before it went TOO far. hope you can start to heal when you get back to illinois. someday i'd love to buy you a drink <3

  13. #3133
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    Ugh, so stressful! :-( @Bachy

  14. #3134
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    After not seeing my girlfriend of 3 and a half years since lockdown began here in the UK in March, we met up today where she then proceeded to break up with me. Times like this I would do anything for a rewind button.

  15. #3135
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    @Jord So sorry *hugs*

  16. #3136
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    Well, I guess I'm hopping on that ride with you @Bachy .

    Made the hardest decision of my life to end a 15 year relationship, a week ago. We met when I was 15 and started dating a year later. My whole adult life has been shared with her so far, and I wouldn't take any of it back. But I realized from an abundance of self reflection while being locked up at home that I am just really unhappy being in a relationship at this stage of my life. I'm craving a sense of independence and a life with less structure. And I don't think I can be happy in a relationship until I experience that. Of course, she really doesn't understand why I feel that I need to do this and is pretty resentful towards me. We also live together, so yeah it's been an incredibly stressful and emotional week.

    I just keep asking myself over and over if I'm making the right choice here and I just really hope I did.

  17. #3137
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    Sorry @Bachy and @richardp .

    Rough stuff.

    With me, my relationship is still fucked up. There's still some resentment for her online affair. And I'm in the VERY early stages of sobriety from years of fentanyl/oxy abuse.

    I guess we get along alright, though. Neither of us works, still, and we're literally like never more than five feet apart, 24-7, like we have been for the past 8 years.

    The thing is, we don't touch each other much. We DID, for awhile, but I have a hard time initiating things because of lingering feelings of betrayal, and she has a hard time initiating them in general. And so, she thinks I'm no longer attracted to her or some shit.

    It's weird being THIS physically close to someone ALL the time, and having lived as married for the better part of a decade, and literally having been married for 6 years, yet, allowing the physical.side of things to become awkward.

  18. #3138
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    @richardp , I've had that itch, too, to be independent again. But I'm 40, and didn't settle down till I was 32. I certainly sowed my wild oats or whatever.

    15-30, MAN. My high school sweetheart broke my heart at the end of senior year, after we were together for the entirety of HS, because she knew, better than me, that neither of us would be happy, only ever having been with one person.

    She's kind of still the one that got away, tho, but I think she was right.

  19. #3139
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    I'm sending this out into the ether... I can't talk to friends right now really, not on the phone. I can't talk on social media. I need to

    I never thought I would get married. I never thought I'd propose. I never thought anyone would say yes.

    It's all settling in now that it's really over. I keep thinking of cute things she would do, like make sure she had an epi-pen for me in her purse. I never brought them along, and I should, but she had a purse they fit in, and... through this whole quarantine she's been feeding the birds outside the window. And now she's gone and it feels really empty. The dog is sad. Everything's sad.

  20. #3140
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jinsai View Post
    I'm sending this out into the ether... I can't talk to friends right now really, not on the phone. I can't talk on social media. I need to

    I never thought I would get married. I never thought I'd propose. I never thought anyone would say yes.

    It's all settling in now that it's really over. I keep thinking of cute things she would do, like make sure she had an epi-pen for me in her purse. I never brought them along, and I should, but she had a purse they fit in, and... through this whole quarantine she's been feeding the birds outside the window. And now she's gone and it feels really empty. The dog is sad. Everything's sad.
    This fucking Coronavirus fucked up so much, including relationships and families. I'm sad for you.

  21. #3141
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    Well today she's decided to bludgeon me over the head with guilt until I take her back or whatever. Gonna be a fucking fun weekend.

    Why the fuck did I decide to do this during a Pandemic.

  22. #3142
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    Ahhhh. Next week my partner and I are supposed to have a Serious Talk, too. I honestly have no clue which way we will go.

    When we got together, I told him that he would never come before school for me. I know without paragraphs of context that sounds cold (and maybe it is), but I was explicit about it from the very start. Also we met on fucking Tinder, so I was going in thinking AT BEST, we would be FWB, which is what I wanted.

    This fall is my application cycle for doctoral programs, and I think my priorities, which I emphasized from the beginning, are coming to the surface a bit more than they have when I was just working and schooling. It was easy for me to just autopilot my way through the first couple years of my Master's program, because it plays to my strengths. Time consuming? Absolutely (I know some of y'all have seen me working on projects as we wait in line, lmao). But not difficult, if that makes sense. However, now as I invest my time into GRE prep whenever I can and refuse to budge on the time I have set aside for that, I think it becomes clearer just how serious I am/was about education as my #1 priority.

    And to be honest, I absolutely see things from his perspective. I would be hurt if someone told me I would never come before XXXX, unless it was their kids or something similar. One of the times my education was derailed was because I prioritized a relationship over my education, and then I didn't get back to school until I was in my 30s. I simply do not have time to do that again. I am already 35 and if I get into a doctoral program, I'll be starting when I'm 36, almost 37, meaning I won't finish until I'm well over 40.

    Thankfully we both still have our own apartments and a shared one, so there would not be a huge panic on the living front or anything. But we're month-to-month on our shared apartment right now, so our rent is about $300 more a month unless we resign our lease.

    But we've also not been together for a super long period of time like some of you guys who see your relationships ending. It would suck and I would feel terrible and sad, but it would not upend my life. Sorry that so many of you are going through that right now. Even if it is for the better, it is still a transition that is hard as shit to make. And I'm sure that is only exacerbated right now. Good luck to everyone as you start your new chapters. I firmly believe that relationships do not have to last forever for them to be deemed successful, and it is possible to maintain a strong friendship if that is what everyone wants and it is healthy.

  23. #3143
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sarah K View Post
    When we got together, I told him that he would never come before school for me. I know without paragraphs of context that sounds cold (and maybe it is), but I was explicit about it from the very start.
    Hehe, I said exactly the same thing to my partner when I was on my masters. I did change my tune a little though, once the grind of the PhD started to kick in.

  24. #3144
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sarah K View Post
    Thankfully we both still have our own apartments and a shared one, so there would not be a huge panic on the living front or anything. But we're month-to-month on our shared apartment right now, so our rent is about $300 more a month unless we resign our lease.
    wait, what?

  25. #3145
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    Our lease expired last month and the month-to-month rent without a lease is $290/month more than it was under our lease. If things work out and we sign it again, I'll let my other apartment go.

    We got this one relatively quick after we met, as he lived like 1.5 - 2 hours away and I had a roommate. We did a L O T of hotel hopping at first, which was not great for me and the routine necessary for me to be successful. Plus it was cheaper for him to put that money towards a lease rather than continue paying for NYC hotels as much as he was. Once I got a salaried job (I was only working part-time when we met), I started to contribute to the rent on the shared space, as I'm here 100% of the time and he was here like, 40%. But I wasn't yet ready to fully let go of my other place "just in case." He keeps his other one because of parental obligations.

    Tl;dr - It's Complicated.
    Last edited by Sarah K; 06-13-2020 at 06:24 PM.

  26. #3146
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    No offense whatsoever, but I'm struggling imagining having enough income in my life to afford two apartments. That's wild, man. God if I had two apartments right now that would help ease a lot of this stress.

  27. #3147
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    Yeah no offense taken at all. Even just a couple of years ago that would have sounded dumb as shit to me.

    He is in tech and makes an obscene amount of money so it isn’t a big deal for him. I’m not rich by any stretch and will be a LOT more comfortable when I’m only paying rent on one place, for sure.

    Not being absolutely terrified of fully committing that quickly could have saved me a ton of money over the last year+. But I also can’t really say I regret that choice or anything either. While I’m impulsive to a fault with many things, I’m not impulsive enough to 100% commit to someone and get rid of every shred of my independence only a few months after meeting them. And now that things are shaky, it seems a bit more logical. Or perhaps I’m just trying to justify it to myself. Who knows!

  28. #3148
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    @Jinsai , I can only recommend that you involve a qualified third party, a counselor, who can assist not only from a neutral position but also from a position that can help you and her. She appears to need your help, desperately; but you’re not qualified to give it, and you are always apparently reactionary to your family and it works you up. So you could both benefit? Is your relationship with her salvageable? Without your toxic family influence?

    If you miss her more than anything, then fix it and do counseling. If you don’t want her back, then sever it. Now. You’re doing her more harm than good, and it’s not fair to her.

    Also, I was wrong. Do not go be with your family. Get away from your family. Now.
    Last edited by allegro; 06-15-2020 at 11:33 AM.

  29. #3149
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    @Jinsai I think since the wound is still new and fresh, that's why she's taking everything in at an extreme/diss.

  30. #3150
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    So, I hadn't seen my (now ex)-girlfriend since March because of COVID-19. As of Friday the province had given the OK for 10 person bubbles. I was excited together for the first time in 3 months. She didn't want to. Got dumped today.

    Fuck this. Fuck everything.

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