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Thread: The Relationship Thread

  1. #3121
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    My girlfriend said she wouldnít mind having a baby with me this morning.

    Tonight she said she never wants to get married.

    I realize the two are not synonymous, but still the disparity perplexes me.

  2. #3122
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    Quote Originally Posted by elevenism View Post
    @malady FIND SOMEONE ELSE.

    Fuuuuck that shit. I spent WAY too much of my life pining for people who had moved on. It also led to a lot of self destructive behavior.

    I FINALLY figured out that there is ALWAYS someone else. You've got to open yourself to the possibility. And, quite often, the "someone else" will ACTUALLY be BETTER for you. And then you will wonder wtf you were thinking.

    "I meet another one. Her name is. She looks at me. Says I'm the only one." - Tricky
    Thanks for the indirect reminder. It's very much appreciated as I still sometimes fall into this trap via infatuation. It really is something else though, as I've seen it pass, but in the moment it seems like there will never be anybody ever again, when that's simply just flat-out untrue, since I've gotten over rejections over time. (And a reminder that rejection, at least for me, always hurts less than never knowing.)

    I still want to fall in love some day though. It's also just about always still very hard to explain, but I just know that it's something I want some day.

  3. #3123
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bachy View Post
    My girlfriend said she wouldn’t mind having a baby with me this morning.

    Tonight she said she never wants to get married.

    I realize the two are not synonymous, but still the disparity perplexes me.
    One is a societal construct tied to centuries of oppression (that people can reinvent for themselves and find meaning in, but that's still the history) and the other one is reproduction. I don't want to do either, but I see her point (though it sure seems kinda fast?)

  4. #3124
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    I was going to ask if you know waitbutwhy.com, but search says it was alredy mentioned here somewhere, so... interesting topics there. "Deep down, The Guy Who Has Just Fully Quit At This Point is pretty frightened about a lot of things, but his fear manifests itself in indifferent denial, and passivity usually prevails" - that's me! Wait... but why? :-) https://waitbutwhy.com/2013/10/10-ty...ngle-guys.html

    "indifferent denial"... beautiful.

  5. #3125
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    Quote Originally Posted by Substance242 View Post

    "indifferent denial"... beautiful.
    Should give E.M. Cioran - A Short History of Decay a read if you're into that sort of thing. His other books are pretty good as well but that one I like best.

  6. #3126
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    I love Wait But Why and I'm not sure I've read this one yet!

  7. #3127
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    I'm a girl but I think I'm the Finally A Good Catch one or... hopefully I am by the time I turn 30 in like 6 months?

  8. #3128
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    Struggling with my relationship at the moment. There is nothing really wrong, we've been together almost 5 years, and besides stupid fights, I think we're ok. But what we want out of life is SO fundamentally different. He is very anti-marriage, and wants to adopt a child.

    I want to get married, and I want to do it before my dad dies. I know he doesn't have too many years left and since I was a kid, I've always known what song I wanted to dance with my dad to at my wedding, and it's really important to me.
    Regarding the kids, I'm not against adopting, but would want to have at least 1 biological child, just to experience that feeling.

    I'm turning 30 in April and my friends are popping out kids left, right and centre, and most of them are engaged or married... and I know I shouldn't be comparing, but it's a struggle. Ugh.

  9. #3129
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    Quote Originally Posted by ophelia_ View Post
    Struggling with my relationship at the moment. There is nothing really wrong, we've been together almost 5 years, and besides stupid fights, I think we're ok. But what we want out of life is SO fundamentally different. He is very anti-marriage, and wants to adopt a child.

    I want to get married, and I want to do it before my dad dies. I know he doesn't have too many years left and since I was a kid, I've always known what song I wanted to dance with my dad to at my wedding, and it's really important to me.
    Regarding the kids, I'm not against adopting, but would want to have at least 1 biological child, just to experience that feeling.
    Have you thoroughly expressed how important the marriage would be to you? I'm sure you have, since hes very anti. I feel like a lot of people and society nowadays have such an anti marriage stance, saying it's just another way the government can control you, or that there's no point in it. I would hope he'd take your feelings and thoughts into consideration, since it's a life your trying to build together.

  10. #3130
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    Quote Originally Posted by Andallthatcouldhavebeen View Post
    Have you thoroughly expressed how important the marriage would be to you? I'm sure you have, since hes very anti. I feel like a lot of people and society nowadays have such an anti marriage stance, saying it's just another way the government can control you, or that there's no point in it. I would hope he'd take your feelings and thoughts into consideration, since it's a life your trying to build together.
    He's definitely aware of how much it means to me. His best friend proposed to his gf yesterday, and just found out my ex got engaged today. So guess I'm gonna get drunk tonight and cry about how everyone's doing it but me. Trying not to be so apathetic, it's just frustrating.

    And that's exactly his reasons for not wanting to get married, it's frustrating. He's so against mainstream ideals of doing things because they're expected of you, but I dunno, I feel like its kind of immature. Just because everyone's doing something, it isn't a reason to be against it. Eh.

  11. #3131
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    Urgh, so we broke up. I am completely and utterly broken at the moment. A small part of me knows that this is for the best, and if we both want such different things out of life, it was never going to work.. but wowee, the last 5 years have just felt like a total waste of time and emotion.


    Breaking up is a million times harder when you live together. And especially when you don't hate the person. My exes, by the time we broke up, I was so completely over them and totally happy to have them out of my life. But that is not the case here, and it is so fucking hard.


    This christmas/new years is going to suck. Time to sell everything and run off to another country for a while, I think.

    Edit: all I keep thinking about is how I was bawling my eyes out in Chicago when they played AATCHB and he was there, holding me, and now I'm balling my eyes out listening to that on repeat but now I'm alone. Bleh. Probably need to stop being masochistic and listening to it 73 times a day.
    Last edited by ophelia_; 11-25-2018 at 04:14 PM.

  12. #3132
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    Bruh.

  13. #3133
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    Yup.

    Anyone wanna adopt a sad 29 year old? Can cook.

  14. #3134
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    Move to the US.

  15. #3135
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    Honestly thinking about moving somewhere in Europe atm, because I have an Italian passport so living/working won't be a problem. US visas are way too hard, otherwise I 100% would.

  16. #3136
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    Quote Originally Posted by ophelia_ View Post
    Urgh, so we broke up. I am completely and utterly broken at the moment. A small part of me knows that this is for the best, and if we both want such different things out of life, it was never going to work.. but wowee, the last 5 years have just felt like a total waste of time and emotion.


    Breaking up is a million times harder when you live together. And especially when you don't hate the person. My exes, by the time we broke up, I was so completely over them and totally happy to have them out of my life. But that is not the case here, and it is so fucking hard.


    This christmas/new years is going to suck. Time to sell everything and run off to another country for a while, I think.

    Edit: all I keep thinking about is how I was bawling my eyes out in Chicago when they played AATCHB and he was there, holding me, and now I'm balling my eyes out listening to that on repeat but now I'm alone. Bleh. Probably need to stop being masochistic and listening to it 73 times a day.
    i'm so, so sorry. i almost ended up in this situation recently (and we've been together for 7.5 years, married for over 4) and it was devastating to even think about.

  17. #3137
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    There was a longer pre-amble to this question but it was kinda A Lot and I re-thought it.

    What are the things you'd tell the you of 5-10 years ago that you now know?
    Last edited by playwithfire; 02-25-2019 at 08:39 AM.

  18. #3138
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    Ten years ago? When I was 28?

    Ok, from like late 20s to early 30s, I was "madly in love" with this girl, er, woman, somewhat older woman, with whom I played music.
    I thought it was great at the time. She was pretty much my first wife: we lived together and all that cool shit.

    But we were 100% incompatible and, in a way, hated each other. We fought CONSTANTLY. It was insanely dysfunctional.

    We SURE were fucking incredible as musical partners, though. She was the coldest songwriter I've ever known, and we had this process wherein she wrote them and I would rewrite them, and then we'd finish them up. She'd sing and play rhythm and I'd play lead and sing harmony, and then we'd go play them at bars and such and fucking blow everyone away.
    I looked online, out of morbid curiosity, and she's playing these songs with another band, and some of them...well, MOST of them, we wrote together, and God DAMN it infuriates me.

    I wish I could go back to the first night we spent together and tell myself NO, NO! JUST PLAY MUSIC TOGETHER!

    Those are the Thing, @playwithfire , that I would tell young Elevenoe regarding relationship issues.

    Oh, and, this is corollary: you don't have to be "in love" at all times. This , in fact, isn't even love: it's some sort of fucking sick, borderline abusive codependence thing between two unhealthy, lonely people who I don't think REALLY even LIKE each other.
    Last edited by elevenism; 02-11-2019 at 04:38 AM.

  19. #3139
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    My girlfriend got a job offer that would move us out of state. My only major work experience is retail management for a small business. The place we would move to has a much higher cost of living and I'm terrified of being a burden.

  20. #3140
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    Quote Originally Posted by dvp View Post
    My girlfriend got a job offer that would move us out of state. My only major work experience is retail management for a small business. The place we would move to has a much higher cost of living and I'm terrified of being a burden.
    tell her that, flat out. be 100% honest. if she's willing to help support you because she wants this job opportunity and doesn't want to let go of the relationship, then go for it, and i'm sure you'll be able to find a job (retail always needs people). but if you don't tell her honestly how you feel, one or both of you is going to end up extremely unhappy if you go through with it and end up with issues down the line.

  21. #3141
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bachy View Post
    My girlfriend said she wouldn’t mind having a baby with me this morning.

    Tonight she said she never wants to get married.

    I realize the two are not synonymous, but still the disparity perplexes me.
    If only I caught this sooner, as it's something I've thought about for quite some time. (I also haven't been to this thread all that much, so it must have slipped my mind.) I've seen it from the other way around though. Most people I know believe that one of the main reasons to get married is to procreate and start a family, as opposed to just getting married due to love. Most of them believe in becoming husband and wife long before becoming father and mother, and to the majority of them, a childless marriage is incomplete and even severely lacking. Some of them even asked me why I should ever bother getting married if I don't want children, or just have always told me time and time again that one of the most important and main reasons to get married is to start a family, and not just because you love each other. Granted, it's also based on cultural and religious reasons as well.

    And that's just me, nor do I mean to speak for anybody but myself, but if I actually wanted a child or two, I'd absolutely get married first, but also not after getting to know each other long enough in an actual loving relationship. Either way, aside from not being able to help it, I'm still not in a rush to get married anyway. I also still lean more on not wanting children, and although I know that one could never be completely ready to rear children, somebody like me is just way too far from being ready to parent in any capacity, as I have enough of my own problems with myself. On the other hand, I still lean more to being just absolutely fine with not having any children at least for now though, nor do I have any plans to have kids at all.

    If it's anything I've also taken from just reading about couples disagreeing on marriage and/or procreation, the safest and overall best bet is to be with somebody that simply matches your lifestyle and values, especially on matters such as marriage and/or procreation. It always seemed like something that should always be taken seriously from the get-go.

    Aside from all that, Valentine's Day always hits me every year, but not because I hate it or because it makes me sad. I just find it fascinating mostly due to being extremely curious from always being single, and I also suppose it figures on the account that I'm already into giving presents to friends, so how much more for that special somebody? And I always thought it's kind of cool to add an extra occasion in addition to birthdays and anniversaries anyway.
    Last edited by Halo Infinity; 02-15-2019 at 12:27 AM.

  22. #3142
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    I expressed my concern to her and we talked about it. She understands 100%. The new job offered to fly her out for an interview, I'm going to tag along to investigate my options. Valentines day was interesting to say the least.

  23. #3143
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    I somehow find myself in a monogamous relationship for the first time in about 6.5 years. I've had relationships in that time, but nothing where both of us had committed to be monogamous with sex, kink, play, everything. I'm interested to see how it goes, and trying to remember how to do this. This is not a turn I saw my life taking, but I am all the way here for the ride.

    P.S. We met on Tinder of all places.

  24. #3144
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    My girlfriend and I recently broke up. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to go through. She left me for someone else. We were supposed to spend the rest of our lives together. I’m feeling really lonely back home because I don’t know anyone here because I had moved in with her. We lived together for 4 years and had two dogs that were like our children. She made me leave them. I’m honestly traumatized from the whole situation. I know to some of you I’m just words on a screen. But if any of you could talk to me it would help me a lot.

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    That sucks, I'm sorry

  26. #3146
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    Quote Originally Posted by theburningreptile View Post
    My girlfriend and I recently broke up. Itís the hardest thing Iíve ever had to go through. She left me for someone else. We were supposed to spend the rest of our lives together. Iím feeling really lonely back home because I donít know anyone here because I had moved in with her. We lived together for 4 years and had two dogs that were like our children. She made me leave them. Iím honestly traumatized from the whole situation. I know to some of you Iím just words on a screen. But if any of you could talk to me it would help me a lot.
    I recently went through something extremely similar (including the furr baby part) message me and we'll chat

  27. #3147
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    Tonight my partner flies home after spending the last eight weeks together.
    We wont see each other in the flesh for 4 and a half months.

    If anyone knows how to deviate from a linear time existence kindly PM me.



    edit - Now leaving for the airport.
    The worst part will be coming back to this empty, quiet house filled with ghosts.

    I believe I will throw myself into a recording project in the coming months.
    Last edited by somethingelse; 05-03-2019 at 05:44 AM.

  28. #3148
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    Quote Originally Posted by playwithfire View Post
    I'm a girl but I think I'm the Finally A Good Catch one or... hopefully I am by the time I turn 30 in like 6 months?
    Update: am a very bad catch

  29. #3149
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    Quote Originally Posted by playwithfire View Post
    There was a longer pre-amble to this question but it was kinda A Lot and I re-thought it.

    What are the things you'd tell the you of 5-10 years ago that you now know?
    Man, I think of this allll the time. I keep asking myself if I had a time machine and could go back and see my younger self, what would I tell myself?
    I think it's a fascinating topic of thought. Honestly... I really don't know what I would tell myself.

    Actually, I would tell myself in 2016 not to hit my hand on the bathroom wall from my ex being an idiot, because now I'm paying for it 3 years later with a gimped finger.
    I can't straighten my pinky finger on my right hand. It's curled inwards to a perfect half moon shape. The joint is all swollen with a big lump and it hurts to press.
    Before anyone tells me to go get that shit checked out I did... The dr's were useless. They even sent me for x-rays and said they came back fine. I showed them my fnger and said "Does this look fine" and they shrugged.

    Looking into more natural methods of maybe straightening it instead. Found a concoction online that consists of 3 different minerals that when combined together should reduce swelling and build up tissue around the joint. One of the ingredients is suuuuuuper rare and hard to come by, but my lazy ass will get them eventually...

    Sorry, I went off on an EXTREME tangent there folks... Going back in time to talk to your younger self, goddamn these are what dreams are made of. If you have 100% no repercussions of what happens in the present altering from going back and talking to yourself. I would do it.

    I mean, I wouldn't want to change my present, but I would warn my younger self to NOT date my ex. At all. But, I don't know if I would be in the place I am not. You know, it's like getting dealt a deck of cards and playing what you have, if you go back and change something, you might end up with a completely different deck.

    Very excellent topic of conversation. Feel like this should be branched out as it's own thread.

  30. #3150
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    Wauw, I haven't posted on this board for a while.
    I quit drinking just over a year ago and I'm finally beginning to settle in a stable and genuinely kinda healthy relationship with myself.
    I drank a lot almost every day for a solid decade. Also quit smoking around 11 months ago. Had a shitty job, at home now since Xmas to end this depression once and for all. I am succeeding.
    I'm an aspiring graphic designer now also.
    Lost much, but also gaining new and renewed things.

    Much love!
    Last edited by profane; 05-04-2019 at 06:31 PM.

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