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Thread: The Relationship Thread

  1. #3121
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    Quote Originally Posted by NIN64 View Post
    Who maybe has a drug problem, you or them?
    - let's call him Ms. Inevele- the "you" in this tale of ennui. He's got a bit of a drug problem, but he's damn sure willing to work on it.
    @Magnetic , Inevele dabbled in opiates in the beginning, but, it's sort of gotten out of hand.
    Last edited by elevenism; 12-18-2019 at 11:40 AM.

  2. #3122
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    When you say "online relationship," what do you mean? How serious was this?

  3. #3123
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    As much as it’s going to hurt, I’d say end it because if someone is willing to cheat, they’ll keep cheating.

    I’m sorry.

  4. #3124
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mantra View Post
    When you say "online relationship," what do you mean? How serious was this?
    ...

    (this message was set to self destruct)
    Last edited by elevenism; 12-28-2019 at 12:47 AM.

  5. #3125
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    Quote Originally Posted by elevenism View Post
    My friend's wife was presenting herself as someone she absolutely wasn't.
    What do you mean? How was she presenting herself?

    Also, I'm curious to know...if this was on a gaming forum, does that mean this was all happening through private messages? And has "your friend" read the actual content of these messages, or was this just conveyed second-hand? How did all this get discovered?

    (hope I don't come across as annoyingly interrogative or anything, I'm just trying to get a clearer understanding of the whole situation)

  6. #3126
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mantra View Post
    What do you mean? How was she presenting herself?

    Also, I'm curious to know...if this was on a gaming forum, does that mean this was all happening through private messages? And has "your friend" read the actual content of these messages, or was this just conveyed second-hand? How did all this get discovered?

    (hope I don't come across as annoyingly interrogative or anything, I'm just trying to get a clearer understanding of the whole situation)
    xxxxxxxxxxx
    Last edited by elevenism; 12-28-2019 at 12:48 AM.

  7. #3127
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    Quote Originally Posted by elevenism View Post
    she was presenting herself as unmarried. She lives with, and takes care of, her sick mother. She works as a nurse, sixteen hours a day, helping the helpless.
    In reality, she just lays there.

    My friend actually read all of the messages.

    His heart is broken. She is gone, but promises to come back.

    They weren't LIVING, my friend and his wife. Rather, they were just existing. She watched her shows- same shows, over and over, on her tablet, with headphones in. She rarely bathed.

    But in the messages, she's this wonderful, active person.

    Maybe this was nothing more than a cry for help. She says she only loves Inevele.

    The dude with whom she exchanged the messages- he lives in fucking Quebec. She wasn't about to...She can't even get IN to Canada.

    Msinevele and his wife: their lives are insanely fucked up. Perhaps this wakes them up.

    Edit: and yes, private messages
    Man. That's sad. I'm really sorry to hear about all that dude.

    I do think this three week online "relationship" doesn't actually sound like it was some super serious thing on her part. Pretty sure for her this was nothing more than an escapist fantasy. People do that, especially when they're feeling really down about themselves or feel like their lives are just not what they’d hoped for. They respond to feeling stuck in a bad situation by escaping into some dreamy alternate life that's maybe closer to what they actually want. Like it’s interesting that she made up all that stuff about being a super hardworking nurse who cares for her sick mom, because that kinda tells you something about how she feels about herself and how she would like to be viewed instead. It just sounds like maybe she's depressed, so this was like a little daydream to entertain herself for a bit, and maybe also a way to get some sympathy that she’s wanting.

    I'm not saying that means it's all cool and fine, or that it isn't still incredibly hurtful to discover. But I also don't know that it necessarily needs to be viewed as a fucking atomic bomb on the whole marriage. Seems like it should be salvageable, I mean, so long as that's actually what everyone actually wants.

    I do think she's right about needing a big change. From reading your posts over the years, I’ve often gotten the impression that, um, “your friend and his wife” had been dealt a lot of shitty hands and gone through some really hard times. Like I know there’s been a lot of health problems and stuff, not to mention the drug issues you mentioned. Other struggles too. That stuff can really take a toll on people, even people who genuinely love each other. If the root of this whole recent thing with her is a sense of dissatisfaction and an overall feeling of being stuck in a rut, then yeah, the only solution is change.

  8. #3128
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    Thanks, @Mantra , and all of you guys. i wasn't going to bring this up here...

    ...xxx...self destroying message
    Last edited by elevenism; 12-28-2019 at 12:49 AM.

  9. #3129
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    I hope your friend and his wife turn it around. Believe me, I know how life's bullshit can take a toll on marriage.

  10. #3130
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    Oh hai, I’m back.

    Coming up to two years now with this guy. It’s crazy.

  11. #3131
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    Quote Originally Posted by elevenism View Post
    Thanks, @Mantra , and all of you guys. i wasn't going to bring this up here, but you know what?

    you guys are my fucking people.

    and i think you're absolutely right. i think it WAS just an escapist fantasy, because our lives are a living hell.

    I think my, ahem, "friend," and his wife, may even...this might have been just what they needed.

    It's going to be hard to rebuild trust, but, we need to grow. We've been SO. FUCKING. STAGNANT, for so long.

    Massive changes are in order. so either we grow together, and get through them together, or we don't.

    Big love to you guys for the advice.
    Thanks man.

    And yeah, it's actually pretty nice that you guys have both of each other for support during all this, even though there's been this painful stuff that's come up between you guys now. It's just incredibly hard to change one's life (speaking as someone who's repeatedly failed to do so for years now), especially if you're all alone, so it'll be nice if you guys can kinda pull through this as a team. Just makes it easier to have someone.

    I think when she gets back you guys really need to have some long, serious talks about your relationship and your lives and what you guys need to do going forward. You probably don't want to just talk about "change" in some general sense, but rather hammer out a number of specific goals that you're gonna start pushing for. Just my two cents.

  12. #3132
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    Quote Originally Posted by slave2thewage View Post
    Oh hai, I’m back.

    Coming up to two years now with this guy. It’s crazy.
    missed you, bitch <3

  13. #3133
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    Quote Originally Posted by slave2thewage View Post
    Oh hai, I’m back.

    Coming up to two years now with this guy. It’s crazy.
    good god. Time seems to be speeding up. I can't believe you'd been gone that long!

  14. #3134
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    How do you court a lady in 2020? I’ve tried everything; dating apps, friends of friends, going out and meeting people the old fashioned way... Everyone seems so defensive and walled off these days. I really don’t think it’s me, but I’m having no luck. I’ve been trying for almost a year. Please help.

  15. #3135
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    Quote Originally Posted by NIN64 View Post
    How do you court a lady in 2020? I’ve tried everything; dating apps, friends of friends, going out and meeting people the old fashioned way... Everyone seems so defensive and walled off these days. I really don’t think it’s me, but I’m having no luck. I’ve been trying for almost a year. Please help.
    I don't want to say it, but you might want to look outside the box. And by that, I mean try a different city/state. I know it seems nuts at first, but if you're patient enough, it works.

    I was in a relationship from 2010-2016. When my relationship ended, I was in the same boat as you. I found the dating scene had changed so much in those 6 years, and it's almost like I was at a disadvantage when it came to me to start looking again. I tried everything you mentioned, even going out of my comfort zone to strike up conversations with strangers, and to be honest, that was the hardest of all, and yielded the worst results. People look at you like you have a hidden agenda or are up to something. Nobody does "small talk" anymore.

    Anyway, someone told me to "look outside the box" and look in a different city/part of the world. And I said, "rubbish! I don't believe in long distance relationships!" Well, long story short, I found myself in one lol. Met a girl from Montreal while I was out in Vancouver. I ended up paying for a goth/alternative website membership to a site and there was rubbish in my town on the site, but saw her profile in the "new members" section, only clicked in it because it said she was in Quebec and I was actually heading to Quebec that summer for the Rammstein show. We started talking, exchanged numbers, she agreed to meet me and show me around Montreal when I was there in summer 2016. We decided to try the "long distance" thing and then a year later, summer 2017, she moved here and has been here since.

    I'm just as shocked as you. Told myself I would never ever do long distance, and here I was doing a LD relationship, lol. Not gonna lie... was one of the HARDEST things I ever accomplished in my life. LD is hard. But if you are patient and determined to make it work, good things come to those who can push though the loneliness. Think outside the box, might seem like a crazy idea at first, but ya never know. Good luck!

  16. #3136
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    Quote Originally Posted by ManBurning View Post
    I don't want to say it, but you might want to look outside the box. And by that, I mean try a different city/state. I know it seems nuts at first, but if you're patient enough, it works.

    I was in a relationship from 2010-2016. When my relationship ended, I was in the same boat as you. I found the dating scene had changed so much in those 6 years, and it's almost like I was at a disadvantage when it came to me to start looking again. I tried everything you mentioned, even going out of my comfort zone to strike up conversations with strangers, and to be honest, that was the hardest of all, and yielded the worst results. People look at you like you have a hidden agenda or are up to something. Nobody does "small talk" anymore.

    Anyway, someone told me to "look outside the box" and look in a different city/part of the world. And I said, "rubbish! I don't believe in long distance relationships!" Well, long story short, I found myself in one lol. Met a girl from Montreal while I was out in Vancouver. I ended up paying for a goth/alternative website membership to a site and there was rubbish in my town on the site, but saw her profile in the "new members" section, only clicked in it because it said she was in Quebec and I was actually heading to Quebec that summer for the Rammstein show. We started talking, exchanged numbers, she agreed to meet me and show me around Montreal when I was there in summer 2016. We decided to try the "long distance" thing and then a year later, summer 2017, she moved here and has been here since.

    I'm just as shocked as you. Told myself I would never ever do long distance, and here I was doing a LD relationship, lol. Not gonna lie... was one of the HARDEST things I ever accomplished in my life. LD is hard. But if you are patient and determined to make it work, good things come to those who can push though the loneliness. Think outside the box, might seem like a crazy idea at first, but ya never know. Good luck!

    You’ve known me for, what, over 10 years and you’ve never asked me to be in a long distance relationship with you, you bastard.

  17. #3137
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    Quote Originally Posted by Erneuert View Post
    You’ve known me for, what, over 10 years and you’ve never asked me to be in a long distance relationship with you, you bastard.
    lol. Hey man, I tried reaching out to you to hang out when I was in Sydney 5 years ago, and you failed to respond to me, lol.

  18. #3138
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    I did? lol, whoops... *backs out of thread slowly*

  19. #3139
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    I've been out of the loop regarding dating for nearly 10 years (long story short i was dealing with heavy depression and i thought dating/bringing someone into that wouldn't be a good thing)
    I'm finally at an OK(ish) head space and keep flirting with the idea of maybe getting back into online dating...but i'm not sure i need a partner or just some good friends, but looking outside the box and intrigued me.

  20. #3140
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    Last week I was offered a big promotion that requires us to move back to Illinois. Officially accepted the position yesterday. Now we’re getting ready to get the house we just purchased back on the market. And this morning my fiancé tells me she’s pregnant.



    Life comes at you pretty fast.

  21. #3141
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bachy View Post
    Last week I was offered a big promotion that requires us to move back to Illinois. Officially accepted the position yesterday. Now we’re getting ready to get the house we just purchased back on the market. And this morning my fiancé tells me she’s pregnant.



    Life comes at you pretty fast.
    It certainly does, and a lot sooner than you'd think. But that's also the point of it being pretty fast. Unfortunately that's sometimes the case when the realization of whatever also arrives far too late. There's so much stuff in my 30s that's kicking my ass right now from my 20s, from "What was I thinking?" to "Oh shit. Now I fucking get it."

    Anyway, all the best.

    And sorry. I just don't have anything to add, since I'm still single. Not that I stopped trying, but I've been rejected so much. There might've been an instance where I had a chance, but one of the deal-breakers was from me not wanting children, and in some cases, me being too old or too young. *All with in legal ages, among consenting adults. It's just that most people I've pursued would rather date under 10 or 5 year gaps when it comes to age disparity.* (I also still don't think I can claim to be 100% childfree after looking into it more and more, but I still lean towards the decision to not have children.) I'm also wondering about my stance on marriage, as I'm no longer having marriage as my main goal for relationships these days too. (Having a religious background/upbringing will do that to you.)

    If I find "the one" and if we have lived together long enough with an excellent rapport including mutual respect and trust, perhaps marriage might be a possibility some day, but I'm certainly in no rush to get married, nor is marriage top-priority of mine either.

    Another thing that's also blowing my mind in absolute awe is that in spite of me always wanting to play it safe while yearning for a simple/quiet life, even relationships and dating in general are a risk. Of course, some risks are meant to be taken and well worth it and all that good stuff, and some risks are even mandatory in order to lead a normal life, but damn. Even I'm willing to actually take this risk even in spite of not wanting children right now. Having my heart broken scares me to death, but it also seems like a worse death for me to always hide in isolation for the rest of my life. (Even if solitude and privacy has its perks here and there.)

    I suppose it's also stems from a nagging curiosity that drives me as somebody that's also never experienced what it's like to love and be loved outside the realm of speculation and imagination/dreams. One thing's for sure, is that I'm still not giving up, as crazy as that admittedly sounds and probably is.
    Last edited by Halo Infinity; 02-22-2020 at 12:12 AM.

  22. #3142
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    Quote Originally Posted by Halo Infinity View Post
    One thing's for sure, is that I'm still not giving up, as crazy as that admittedly sounds and probably is.
    Never give up, but do keep an open mind! Playing it safe, and looking for what you think you want, are recipes for disappointment. Enticing interpersonal relationships are usually randomly initiated, and not planned.

    I met my wife in an online chat room a bit over 25 yeas ago, and we married on a whim after just a few months into our relationship. Holy shit was I scared! And married life at the beginning was NOT perfect. But ...

    Trying to find the "perfect" companion, whatever that means, is not what matters. Taking a chance, and making a commitment, and persevering, does indeed matter. It's really a choice. Accept the limited opportunities life offers and take advantage, or rebel against them and accept the outcome. It's a choice we all make every day.

  23. #3143
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    Agreed with all of this.
    I wish people would give up the concept of 'the one.' Life doesn't always work out the way you think it will. Especially with the constant shifting sand of messed up reality that's going on, there are a lot of external pressures that will affect your relationships. Maybe it's the one for a few years, a decade or whatever, but then you wake up and you're changed, they're changed, and you've got to move on.

    Better to take the risk and see what happens.

  24. #3144
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    Today is our 24th anniversary. Time sure flies, wow.

    We’re still happy and are bestest pals.

  25. #3145
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    Quote Originally Posted by zero View Post
    Never give up, but do keep an open mind! Playing it safe, and looking for what you think you want, are recipes for disappointment. Enticing interpersonal relationships are usually randomly initiated, and not planned.

    I met my wife in an online chat room a bit over 25 yeas ago, and we married on a whim after just a few months into our relationship. Holy shit was I scared! And married life at the beginning was NOT perfect. But ...

    Trying to find the "perfect" companion, whatever that means, is not what matters. Taking a chance, and making a commitment, and persevering, does indeed matter. It's really a choice. Accept the limited opportunities life offers and take advantage, or rebel against them and accept the outcome. It's a choice we all make every day.
    As somebody that often prefers to plan things out, I really need to keep this in mind. However, I was aware that so many factors would be out of control, so I could see how planning can be sometimes futile. I think I sometimes get caught up on that, because I was inundated with the "life-script" my entire life. I might've shaken it off, but some parts of it have been in grained in my with long-term effects as you can see. I definitely appreciate the reminder though.

    Quote Originally Posted by Magnetic View Post
    Agreed with all of this.
    I wish people would give up the concept of 'the one.' Life doesn't always work out the way you think it will. Especially with the constant shifting sand of messed up reality that's going on, there are a lot of external pressures that will affect your relationships. Maybe it's the one for a few years, a decade or whatever, but then you wake up and you're changed, they're changed, and you've got to move on.
    As I've mentioned, I'm sure it's because of the "life-script" being constantly rammed down my throat. (But thankfully not from my parents, as I'll explain here.) In my Filipino culture, it's not only expected, but believed that everybody should ideally get married and have children under 25, or at least under 30. And sometimes they even speak negatively of people that haven't gotten married and had children ages 30+ as if they're losers with no lives. (And not that it should matter. Even my parents defied that as they married and had me way after turning 30. And in hindsight, they knew to tune it out, not just because it wasn't any of their business, but they weren't even ready for serious relationships, marriage and children in their 20s either, and chose to focus on graduating college and securing and advancing their careers first before even beginning to think about marriage, let alone having children.)

    And I know this is extremely ridiculous, and in hindsight it really was and still is, but infatuation and lust have also lead me to act/belief as if the person I was addicted and obsessed with as the only one in the planet for me, when I don't even know the real person. I get that's the point of dating too, as a means to get to know the real them, but if they clearly gave no effort to communicate, or lack any desire to have anything to do with me, or tell me who they are or what's going on with their lives, or what they're doing with their lives, then it's more than obviously and clearly time for me to leave them alone and move on.

    That's also a very soul-crushing aspect of well, having "crushes" and even more reason as to why it's called a crush. That one person is not the only one on the planet, and like all previous crushes, it fades over time, since it's not even love.

    I suppose I'm just drawn to love, or even the idea/concept of love, since I never experienced it before. My curiosity, awe, wonder and even obliviousness is what actually makes me so fixated on it.

    Quote Originally Posted by Magnetic View Post
    Better to take the risk and see what happens.
    For real. It's the only thing I actually can do anyway, especially when push comes to shove. Aside from that, I definitely appreciate your advice. Thank you for helping me shift my focus on what to look for and how to look at it.
    Last edited by Halo Infinity; 03-15-2020 at 01:12 AM.

  26. #3146
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    Well, after 19 months since moving to Colorado together, my fiance and I broke up. There were many issues between the two of us. At the end of the day, it came down to my own psychological and physical well being. I was just simply not happy. I've been depressed for quite sometime and I need to take the opportunity to take care of myself. My new promotion from work allows me to do that. I was essentially left with a choice of moving and breaking up, because she, for very very understandable reasons, could not move OR stay here and try to go into couples therapy. Unfortunately for me, it just reached the point in the relationship where it was just too late for that. I understand I'm being selfish in my decision, but at the end of the day, I do need to consider my own happiness because I am no good to anyone in our household if I'm stressed out or depressed majority of the time and the only time I'm happy is when I'm under the influence of something. I know eventually I will move on, but I know that heartbreak will always be there.

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    allegrom, sometimes I simply read some horoscopes for my zodiac sign and my spouse as well, just to predict some specific behavior. This article about number 777 meaning gave me a lot of explanations of my future actions and how they can affect on my life success, in each specific situation. I like horoscopes like that, when they are written by professional astrologers.
    Last edited by kenz87; 03-19-2020 at 08:39 AM.

  28. #3148
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bachy View Post
    Well, after 19 months since moving to Colorado together, my fiance and I broke up. There were many issues between the two of us. At the end of the day, it came down to my own psychological and physical well being. I was just simply not happy. I've been depressed for quite sometime and I need to take the opportunity to take care of myself. My new promotion from work allows me to do that. I was essentially left with a choice of moving and breaking up, because she, for very very understandable reasons, could not move OR stay here and try to go into couples therapy. Unfortunately for me, it just reached the point in the relationship where it was just too late for that. I understand I'm being selfish in my decision, but at the end of the day, I do need to consider my own happiness because I am no good to anyone in our household if I'm stressed out or depressed majority of the time and the only time I'm happy is when I'm under the influence of something. I know eventually I will move on, but I know that heartbreak will always be there.
    That really sucks, and I have total empathy here. But yes, sometimes life does get thrown at you, and if you're constantly depressed you're no good to you or your fiance. Life is too short to spend it miserable.

  29. #3149
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bachy View Post
    I understand I'm being selfish in my decision, but at the end of the day, I do need to consider my own happiness because I am no good to anyone in our household if I'm stressed out or depressed majority of the time and the only time I'm happy is when I'm under the influence of something. I know eventually I will move on, but I know that heartbreak will always be there.
    The last thing you want to do is end up in a loveless relationship or marriage. While I don't believe there's someone out there for everyone, there's certainly someone out there that's "better" for you.

  30. #3150
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    The two of us were up from 2:30 AM last night till about 4:45 AM in our bed talking and crying.

    She had been asking me to come back to sleeping in the bed which I was not comfortable with. She had been trying to hold my hand, asking me to snuggle again which I was too weak to deny, but eventually I had to come clean with her and communicate that I couldn't do that anymore. My failure in the relationship has always been communication. I so often would hold my tongue on anything and everything that would upset me as I didn't want to rock the boat. I always wanted to keep everyone else happy while trying to supress my own feelings. With this, I owed it to her to be honest that I was not comfortable just going back to all that. We'd already discussed me moving back and that for the best of everything, we should break up. Then yesterday on the couch she was holding my hand again and her daughter saw. I had to tell my gf that I can't keep doing that because all it risks in doing is giving her daughter the hope that I would stay and we would get back together, and I can't go on giving false hope to that when I've already made my decision. And we just can't erase our past issues in the blink of an eye like that. I still need time to work on myself and moving back home, getting regular therapy for my depression and communication issues is what I feel I need to do in my heart. Going on with the relationship like this until I move, it just makes it all the more difficult on both of us. So I've moved into my office across the hall and taken to sleeping in there. We can still interact and hang out, but the relationship stuff, especially the physical, I can't go on doing anymore.This is so tough on me because I know she loves me, more than anyone I've ever been with. And I do love her, but we're just at a crossroads now. It kills me to see the pain and heartbreak I'm causing her, but I feel if I didn't make this decision now, it just would have delayed the inevitable and been even more devastating. I feel like a complete failure not being able to make things work with someone I feel does truly love me. Things just got so bad that it got to the point of no return. There's blame on both sides. On me mainly for never allowing myself to express my concerns or true feelings because I simply didn't want that uncomfortable conversation. I just never realized it would lead to this. If I did, I absolutely would have communicated. This is one hell of a life lesson for sure.

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