I just realized that I am no longer looking forward to anything. Like, there’s a NIN concert this fall that I have tickets to. My first NIN show even. And I’m not sitting here looking at the set lists and thinking “oh man this is going to be awesome”. Like not even a little bit. I basically know why but I don’t have a clue how to fix it. The only way I know is a nuclear option so I’m obviously trying to come up with something but right now it’s a Cold War in my house and none of the sides want to sit and talk at a table.

I’m supposed to be going on a bike / camping trip with my son next week but I totally forgot about it until today when he said, loudly and frequently upon being reminded of said trip, that he’d rather do anything else. Cool. Cool cool cool. I guess I can start charging him rent now since he’s no longer part of the family?

I spend 90% of my time sitting and being depressed by looking out into the middle distance now. I see a counselor and I guess it might help eventually but for now I’m just done with everything. He told me last week “find something that makes you happy” and I can’t fucking find anything right now.

Calling it “Depressed” is putting a flower on a pile of shit. I don’t want to be here anymore.