The Mental Health thread - depression, bipolar, ADHD, you name it

[allegate]

totally understand that, misophonia sucks.

also did anyone else have a fog lift this morning? I mean, in general not just from the election but definitely because of the election? I swear everything seems brighter and more fun somehow.

I mean the cucumber sandwiches and the coronation chicken sandwiches and the scones and tea are nice too - and not because of the election either, but something I was going to do anyway! - but it just feels so nice to be lighter now.

Now to spend the next two years making sure that doesn't happen again.

[ickyvicky]

i totally cried when i heard the news this morning

[allegate]

every single video I watched of people celebrating made me tear up.

[zero]

Found out tonight that my wife's mum has become non-responsive. She is dying. Nothing unexpected at all. But she lives several thousand mile away with zero chance my wife will be able to safely visit before the time comes.

This is my weakness. I have no idea how to be properly supportive and understanding. What the fuck can I say? All I could muster tonight was to hug her and become all weepy. Not exactly supportive! While I excel at many things in life this is one situation where I completely fail. And it makes me feel horrible.

My father is still teetering on the edge of life. He can only speak two or three words between breaths. If there was any reasonably safe way to travel halfway across USA to see him I would.

I so acutely understand that many have suffered MUCH more than myself due to this pandemic. This is not intended to be a "poor me" post. But I seem to be at my limit. At the edge of my ability to cope. And feeling more than a little lost.

[allegate]

Being supportive is the hardest thing to do because it feels like you should try harder but it's also the easiest. Just be there and support - it's right there in the name - and you're golden.

as for the rest, my condolences. It's a shit year and it's a shit time when you can't do anything because you want to do the right thing and then you see videos of shit people just going on with their shit lives and apparently not suffering for their shit decisions and it's all fucking shit, man. It sucks.

[poinoup]

It was going pretty good from July until yesterday, then it just went downhill mentally at work. The smallest thing just set me off yesterday, but not into a rage. Instead, it just became a defeated feeling for the rest of the night. I woke up today for work, and felt alright to go in, but about 3 hours in it started going to hell again. It was not the fault of anyone, or anything I did, but I could feel this irritability building up into anger, but not a rage or anything violent. I came home and immediately passed out for 2 hours...and I've barely moved off the couch since.

Sometimes even a ridiculous amount of pills taken daily just aren't enough.

[poinoup]

So, here is an interesting follow-up to the above: There's too much melatonin in me. I thought that had to be complete bullshit, but it happens.

[Jinsai]

there's gotta be something wrong with me, I just don't know what it is. I'm incredibly miserable, and there's no reason to be. It's insane how unhappy I am. There's no reason to be anything but happy right now. I should be happy. I'm just not. I'm the opposite, and it's this cognitive dissonance there that just compounds it. Makes it all worse.

[Jinsai]

actually, that does remind me of a reason to be happy... Christmas miracle, my dog doesn't have cancer and it's just some odd growth and it can be operated on, so the original two diagnoses were wrong.

[allegro]

Omg @Jinsai - THAT IS WONDERFUL NEWS!!!!!!

[Jinsai]

it is great news... I'm trying to feel better. I'm in some sort of funk that I can't get out of. I just feel drained, and I can't tell how much of it might be something chemical in my head, or if I'm just really cracking due to circumstances. My hair is turning white, I look like shit. I binged on eating order-in food all day, and I feel like I have just done nothing productive... so I'm sitting here in a food coma and I barely know what day of the week it is... it's just not psychologically great, I can say that much at least.

[Magnetic]

Holy shit man....yah
I'm living the song EDIETS. The sad part is that I’ve told friends this, and they haven't really replied since.
I have no friends and no one to vent to anymore.

I have so much bullshit on the line.
I moved back to the US because of some legal shit where my own mother will be going to a COVID infested federal prison if her appeal doesn't go through. The odds on that are 83%. By the way - she's fucking innocent and was fucked by a jury of "peers" who didn't give a shit to understand financial reporting. Go fucking figure. My father died from the stress of the trial and her "conviction." So my parents lost five years together, and then my father died, and my mother has been frozen in pain and suffering.

I left my partner behind in the UK to support my mother. His mother died in 2019 on boxing Day from cancer. I haven't seen my partner since Nov 11, 2019. I haven't been there to comfort him or anything, because we couldn't afford it. Now, due to COVID, we're locked away.
Our cat of 11 years is dying of liver failure...I won't be able to see my own cat before he passes.
I've been working 65-75 hrs/ week since July 1st.

I'm failing in every way. I'm failing my mother, my partner in the UK. I've done nothing but shut down internally and just....work. And when that cracks me, I just shut down and do nothing.
I don't know what to do anymore, and none of my "friends" respond.

I'm just shattered and don't know what to do anymore.

[Jinsai]

the loneliness is really something... it's on a different level. It sucks pretty bad.

[poinoup]

How can everything go pretty damn smooth for a few hours and the most pointless thing almost sets you off? Here's hoping tomorrow is better.

[Jinsai]

so out of curiosity I clicked on an ad link on Facebook for online therapy that can get drugs delivered to your door, and instantly I am sure I've made a mistake here. Now, everything on my social media is recommendations for therapy and online mental health scams and bullshit, and JEEEEEESUS, what what WHAT was I thinking even clicking on that.

[eversonpoe]

so out of curiosity I clicked on an ad link on Facebook for online therapy that can get drugs delivered to your door, and instantly I am sure I've made a mistake here. Now, everything on my social media is recommendations for therapy and online mental health scams and bullshit, and JEEEEEESUS, what what WHAT was I thinking even clicking on that.

we all make bad decisions when we're feeling desperate, at least yours was just clicking on an online ad.

:: hugs ::

[Magnetic]

So I haven't been sleeping well in months.... That's kinda an understatement.
I finally pulled the trigger mid-week and ordered CBD gummies that are specifically to help you sleep. Fingers crossed they work.
Of course my shipment was delayed, and it's now in the UPS system. I'm contemplating some sort of sacrifice to the gods that it isn't delayed in the mail.

[eversonpoe]

i'm having a really hard time. haven't talked to my psychiatrist since the summer because she had a baby in october and is still on maternity leave. just got my lamotrigine refilled (should be in the mailbox today) but i'm wondering if i need an adjustment or something in addition to it.

the stress of baby stuff combined with the world and my own regular internal struggles, plus a few other things, is just wearing me down. i've been having near-constant intrusive thoughts about dying (not killing myself, just dying/being killed). i keep having small breakdowns that make sarah feel horrible. i don't really know what to do other than to keep trying.

the only thing that makes me feel good right now is working on music and i can only take one, maybe two days a week to do that, because i can't do it at home, i do it at my parents'. i just feel useless and i'm starting to feel hopeless.

[Sarah_Munn]

@eversonpoe You have more going on than most, all big life changing things against the backdrop of a pandemic and political instability. If you weren't having the odd mini breakdown I'd be worried.
The intrusive thoughts are difficult, especially as your therapist is not available. Is there an alternative therapist you could see until your regular one is back? Is there anyone else you could connect with for support outside of your family?
I'm sorry you're struggling, I don't haven't any answers but just keep in mind how fucked up everything is and feeling adrift and stressed is a normal response.

[allegro]

I agree, I have had those same intrusive thoughts in my life when I’ve been totally overwhelmed and hopeless, and when there seemed like no escape. It comes from stress, from anxiety, but it especially comes from the feeling of no end in sight.

If our personalities are such that we don’t thrive in chaos, that we need order and some semblance of a “plan” and organization in our daily lives, and none of that is possible because other factors limit our control over our own lives, every day feels like swimming against the tide; it’s exhausting. And the intrusive thoughts are mostly there from exhaustion and lack of a rudder in our ship.

Meditation can REALLY help during these times, if you don’t have an aversion to it. Pick a spot, use headphones if you must, sit in a relaxed position, and I highly recommend guided meditation audio to guide you until you learn how to do it on your own. I put a sign on the spare bedroom door, “MEDITATING,” so there is quiet. Even for 10 minutes. Just 10 minutes a day works wonders.

Also, @eversonpoe , is it possible for you to do your Starbucks job part time again? Nobody in Illinois is doing dine-in, maybe you could do the drive-through, and utilize all the safety precautions. You’re in a pretty low-risk category, and getting out of the house may do you some good.

[zero]

Posting this for a friend, because I said I would.

[eversonpoe]

@eversonpoe You have more going on than most, all big life changing things against the backdrop of a pandemic and political instability. If you weren't having the odd mini breakdown I'd be worried.
The intrusive thoughts are difficult, especially as your therapist is not available. Is there an alternative therapist you could see until your regular one is back? Is there anyone else you could connect with for support outside of your family?
I'm sorry you're struggling, I don't haven't any answers but just keep in mind how fucked up everything is and feeling adrift and stressed is a normal response.

I agree, I have had those same intrusive thoughts in my life when I’ve been totally overwhelmed and hopeless, and when there seemed like no escape. It comes from stress, from anxiety, but it especially comes from the feeling of no end in sight.

If our personalities are such that we don’t thrive in chaos, that we need order and some semblance of a “plan” and organization in our daily lives, and none of that is possible because other factors limit our control over our own lives, every day feels like swimming against the tide; it’s exhausting. And the intrusive thoughts are mostly there from exhaustion and lack of a rudder in our ship.

Meditation can REALLY help during these times, if you don’t have an aversion to it. Pick a spot, use headphones if you must, sit in a relaxed position, and I highly recommend guided meditation audio to guide you until you learn how to do it on your own. I put a sign on the spare bedroom door, “MEDITATING,” so there is quiet. Even for 10 minutes. Just 10 minutes a day works wonders.

Also, @eversonpoe, is it possible for you to do your Starbucks job part time again? Nobody in Illinois is doing dine-in, maybe you could do the drive-through, and utilize all the safety precautions. You’re in a pretty low-risk category, and getting out of the house may do you some good.

thanks, y'all.

i've been talking to my therapist. but my psychiatrist, who is my prescribing doctor, is the one who has been unavailable.

yeah, i do best with structure. which is why the days that i go to the house to work on music help me. besides just doing something creative and fulfilling, i'm also filling my time with something productive.

i've never been able to meditate. i've tried a lot of different stuff. the closest i get is putting on a record on headphones, which i've been trying to do regularly.

i found out this past week that my manager from starbucks got kicked out by his husband, had to move back to atlanta, and the company refused his transfer request so he no longer works for them. so getting my job back isn't going to be as easy as it would have been. not that i couldn't get it back, but it's definitely not guaranteed anymore.

anyway, neither sarah or i feel comfortable with me going back to work right now, because of the baby. literally the ONLY place either of us have been inside that's public is the doctor (pediatrician or OB/GYN). so until we're both vaccinated, it's not happening.

[Magnetic]

I ended up buying some CBD oil (full spectrum) from a local shop of a national chain who took pity on me and did curbside service on Sunday.

Sunday night I kept waking up because I accidentally left the heat on, but I always went back to sleep.
Last night I had the "death sleep" where you're knocked out. I got up once in the middle of the night, and went right back to sleep.
I think I'm in love.

[Magnetic]

My mother was acquitted of 14/16 charges against her in the appellate court. The other two were remanded back to the lower courts. Despite that not being 100% win, other things are in play that could make the DA drop the case, or the district judge could throw out the case. It's been six years of hell for my family, and there's so much loss we can't get back.
But I think it's going in the right direction, finally.

[Jinsai]

Feel like I have to break out of an unhealthy routine. Too often I’m just waking up, taking edibles, and then zoning out doing nothing. The only time I’ve ever felt more lethargic was sitting in a hospital bed. I need to start actually getting on the exercise bike more and forcing myself to lift some weights, take the corgi for a jog... that last one is really a workout though. As soon as you start jogging he gets this big smile like “oh we’re going fast now?!?! Weeeeeee!!!” And then he’s dragging you along.

Just some physical daily thing to offset sitting around on the net, playing games, reading books, and tinkering with synthesizers. That all sounds like heaven in the short term, but it’s not sustainable.

[eversonpoe]

Feel like I have to break out of an unhealthy routine. Too often I’m just waking up, taking edibles, and then zoning out doing nothing. The only time I’ve ever felt more lethargic was sitting in a hospital bed. I need to start actually getting on the exercise bike more and forcing myself to lift some weights, take the corgi for a jog... that last one is really a workout though. As soon as you start jogging he gets this big smile like “oh we’re going fast now?!?! Weeeeeee!!!” And then he’s dragging you along.

Just some physical daily thing to offset sitting around on the net, playing games, reading books, and tinkering with synthesizers. That all sounds like heaven in the short term, but it’s not sustainable.

i'm in about the same place (without the edibles haha). i used to be an early-riser and for months now, i mostly sleep til 10ish, and i don't really do anything all day. maybe listen to some records/read, but mostly just go on the internet, play some video games, watch tv. except on days that i go work on music, and those are the only days i feel good.

i miss having structure, and motivation.

[botley]

Child care has added a semblance of routine to my day but the tradeoff is a HUGE disruption of my typical sleep pattern. I haven't had it nearly as bad as my partner — who hasn't slept a full night since the baby started kicking her insides! — but we both hit a real breaking point this week. Cannot stress enough how important good sleep is to mood. Mine is in the fucking toilet right now.

[Demogorgon]

Child care has added a semblance of routine to my day but the tradeoff is a HUGE disruption of my typical sleep pattern. I haven't had it nearly as bad as my partner — who hasn't slept a full night since the baby started kicking her insides! — but we both hit a real breaking point this week. Cannot stress enough how important good sleep is to mood. Mine is in the fucking toilet right now.

When my daughter was born, we had to sleep in shifts, it was the only way either of us were going to get any rest. I'd stay up all night, she (my wife) would stay up during the day.

[poinoup]

Went to work yesterday at 2 feeling pretty damn good. About 2 hours later, I was completely drained of everything. I came home and crashed 5pm to 10am. I feel alright so far this morning, but we'll see what the day brings.

Luckily I'm off a few now.

[eversonpoe]

love to hear a pharmacist tell me there's no interaction between two of the meds i'm on (lamictal & estradiol) while i'm staring at the paperwork that says there is

systemic sexism in medicine is real and is (sadly) also perpetuated by women (as in this case)