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Faceplams: it was ridiculously dead yesterday, like, it was a dead weekday, except on Sunday
Shit brushes skin
it was ridiculously dead yesterday, like, it was a dead weekday, except on Sunday
Active Member
Finding it difficult to care about the new NIN. I can't even be bothered to download it.
Depression is crushing these days.
Worse than ever.
Active Member
My husband had a melt down earlier today, because since we're working from home, he just can't keep up with all the additional emails and expectations from everyone (and it doesn't help that he's not a tech savvy person to begin with either, so he's constantly asking me for help.) We got into a mini-fight because he just doesn't want to do it anymore.
Active Member
Last week when the new Ghosts was released my brain did something uncool.
The last time Ghosts was released, 26 days later I spent 5 weeks in the hospital while the docs tried to figure out what just caused my disability to appear... and then the news Ghosts appears around the same time of year and we're in social quarantine from most of the rest of the world with COVID-19... yeah, my rationale brain took an anxiety rollercoaster ride but didn't pay admission and was chased around by security and thrown out of the park. I'm still kinda wiggy about it... part of the reason why I've delayed listening to the new stuff.
Other than that, things are okay.
she/her/hers
i would keep holding off for a bit. both volumes (while quite different sonically) were deeply affecting to me.Originally Posted by MrLobster
Active Member
It's sunny, I'm depressed.
It's rainy, I'm depressed.
Morning, night, whatever time of the day. I'm depressed.
Whether I catch the virus or not, I'll still be depressed. It won't make any difference.
So many equate sadness to depression. I don't understand this. That isn't what it's like for me at all. Either it's not the same for them, or they've never had it.
It's an unending ocean of emptiness that never goes away. A hole in things that can't be filled. Nothing works.
she/her/hers
:: hugs :: depression is a mutating beast. you find one thing that seems to keep it slightly at bay and it finds another way under your skin. it's especially insidious right now with everything going on. my depression seemed to have gotten less severe for a while but this is completely wrecking me.
Active Member
I got sexually assaulted for the 3rd time in my life last year and got blamed for it by people I considered good friends. Lost my last job due to a company closing locations and then as unemployment seemed like it was about to end and I’d found a “real career” coronavirus kept me from getting a new job. I’m really fighting with myself every day to feel stable and not totally lose it and I leap between manic and down at random nowadays. Having a serious fucking time at it. I want to scream all the time at no one and everyone.
Active Member
After having a bad relapse with alcohol, I started seeing a therapist to help deal with all the stress that has arouse in my life in the past five months. Not only do I feel so much happier after a handful of sessions, but I'm now 50 days sober (from alcohol). I do still smoke marijuana, but I will be scaling back once I get back to Illinois on June 1st as with my new position in management at work, I really need to be alert and ready to take over at a moment's notice in the event someone calls in sick. The rest of this year, I'm really gonna take it upon myself to get into a much more healthy relationship with myself and my body/health. The last few years I feel I've been careless and really have not taken the initiative in taking care of myself. Now, with the current pandemic, more than ever do I need to make sure my body is running at tip top shape.
Stubby Member
Today is going to eat me alive. (Anxiety, mostly) All in my head and trying to remove the teeth from the beast. Some of this stuff is so old and logically irrelevant but telling feelings and instincts they don't stand up to reason is a pointless exercise. God help me.
she/her/hers
:: hug :: hope you can push through it. make sure to do things that help you stay calm.
also, "All in my head and trying to remove the teeth from the beast" is an amazing sentence. would you be ok if i incorporated it into some lyrics?
Stubby Member
@eversonpoe Thank you for the hug. I've been trying to get it out into a journal. Some are straight forward, some just horrible messes. Not at lot else I can do atm.
Please feel free to use the sentence if you find something in it. I would be honoured.
Active Member
I met with another therapist today.
God, I cannot say how much I truly am loving therapy. I wasn’t sure how well I would take to it, but damn, I’m so happy I found the people I did.
My one therapist in CO actually is a NIN fan who plays synthesizers believe it or not! He’s awesome and has been a real big help in getting behind me to remind myself to avoid the tendency to trying to blame myself for everything that went wrong with my relationship.
And the woman I met today whose office is actually like 10 mins from my apartment, really helped me get to the root of some of my social issues and kinda helping me to see that the breakup is probably a blessing in disguise. It was clear to her it was an unhealthy situation I was in. And she helped me to see that because my ex had such a long history of abuse, that she probably was essentially conditioned to the responses she had towards me. She was so used to being treated like that, that it resulted in the reactions she would have towards me. It’s just more reassurance that the person I really do hate in all of this is the man who did actually abuse her. I wish things could have gone differently but there were red flags all over the relationship that my therapist observed just through speaking with me today. She also speculates I may be hypoglycemic so I’m gonna get that checked out. She recommended a few high protein diets for me to get on as well as getting an app that can help track my food intake.
I met with a personal trainer earlier this week too, and should be starting up with him in July to get me back into shape. Feels like the tides are starting to turn a bit for the better.
Active Member
I'm up 'til midnight working on $140K worth of proposals to pick up the slack for another project manager where things fell through the cracks.
The sad thing is that there's so much messed up things going on (COVID aside) that I'm welcome for the distraction. All I do is is work and sleep. The clock is ticking and things are about to get worse outside of work.
I'm isolated, and my sig other lives on another continent. I doubt I'll be able to see them until a vaccine comes along. The only thing keeping me going is being some ridiculous over-achieving workhorse. My whole family has always been like this. Type A, insomniac manic-depressives with issues. At least I have work to channel this energy into. At least I have a fucking paycheck.
2020 can bite me.
Active Member
Talked to a new therapist today. She seems nice. First session will be next Thursday.
I'm feeling hopeful about the future for now. I still hurt a lot, but at least I can feel hopeful about the future again.
tempus est umbra in mente
please don't fuck with me, I need help. I don't know what it is, maybe drugs. I'm not fucking around right now, I'm not being a keyboard warrior.. I neeed help. I'm in real trouble. Maybe i need drugs, I don't know what I need, but i'm in trouble and I have nowhere else to go
Stubby Member
Hi Jinsai, what's wrong? How can we help? Please PM if you need support right now.
tempus est umbra in mente
it's all too much, and I feel like everything is falling apart, I can't sleep, I'm panicking constantly, and Miserable, I don't understand anything... I can't stand to be like this. It's intollerable and anything is better. I can't live like this. I wake up screaming and then my dog wakes me up, alone, and I take him out to piss and shit, and... that's my day. I'm going crazy. I really think I am. I'm awake at 4am, and I'll be there tomorrow.. I have no relief.
And I can't stand being alone again. It's killing me. It's the worst feeling in the world. I didn't like doing this quarantine thing with my parents, but i thought she and I would make it through. I thought that was what was pulling us through, and there'd be a point to it. Now I'm just stuck here with my parents alone, and I need to go find a new place to live by myself.
Last edited by Jinsai; 06-26-2020 at 06:27 AM.
Bite me
Can you get therapy? Make some phone calls.
tempus est umbra in mente
No money for that shit, unless you can recommend something that takes insurance. Mental health is the biggest racket ever.
I'd love the pills, but I don't wanna pay someone 400 dollars and talk about my shit while they act disinterested.
Trollhunter
I understand what you’re feeling @Jinsai and I’m sorry you’re going through this.
It’s weird that everywhere I look, therapy is this celebrated thing. I had a really good therapist after my divorce in 2010 (ex cheated on me) and even that ran its course after a couple years. Once I was diagnosed and told that I’ve had more than a typical number of “negative life events,” plus the guilt I had kept from when I was a kid (physically and mentally abused by stepfather; and the rest of my family basically having Stockholm syndrome about it) wasn’t my fault, and that I’ll never fully be rid of my anxiety and depression it just wasn’t helpful to me to come talk about things every week and reopen the wounds, you know? So shorter term, if you connect with the right one, I’m for it.
My last therapist and I never clicked. He recommended this frankly ridiculous book about changing your thinking (Feeling Good by David Burns) and it’s pretty much just wanting you to lie to yourself. It’s the dumbest fucking book I’ve ever read. Was done with him after that.
I don’t know what the answer is, but again, I 100% understand where you are and where you’re coming from.
Last edited by Swykk; 06-26-2020 at 12:19 PM.
tempus est umbra in mente
I appreciate people asking me how I'm doing... and I know this isn't like what I'm usually like.... and I appreciate people sending me PMs... and I'm sorry that I'm losing my shit. I guess I just am... but I'll be ok. there's probably a better reason to worry about some more important thing. I'm just going through something kind of terrible. Maybe I'm not handling it well, but I'll figure it out.
But I appreciate it. Thank you, love you all.
Last edited by Jinsai; 06-26-2020 at 09:46 AM.
she/her/hers
most therapists accept insurance, and most insurance companies are taking care of teletherapy appointments right now. there are also places who have sliding-scale rates if they don't take your insurance. ask local friends if they have any suggestions; it's always good to have an idea of who you'll be talking to before you start, especially if you haven't really done therapy before.
i promise, having an objective party to just listen and try to help you sort through some things is extremely helpful. you're caught in a panic cycle and you need help cutting it off; reach out to a therapist. please. <3
tempus est umbra in mente
I've been running through that... I was running through it with my ex... fuck I'm exhausted.
They all said they accepted insurance and then it was like "but not that one" You don't fucking accept Blue Shield? What do I need? and the problem wasn't even that. even without coverage I paid for it, and these doctors SUCK. They're fucking terrible.
today... I think I am in line for her to scream at me for something. I don't know what it is. I don't know why I call. I'm going insane. I COULD just run away. I COULD be that asshole who just says "fuck this" and runs away. AND I'M NOT. I've actually told her flat out that I don't think this is going to work as much as I wished it would, and she is saying I'm wrong don't think that way and...
Kill me.
Last edited by Jinsai; 06-26-2020 at 09:58 AM.
Active Member
Oof. This sounds like a situation you should walk away for your own personal well being. There is just so much bullshit to process right now, and you don't need the added aggro. Hang in there.
she/her/hers
i think you absolutely need to cut off all communication with her for a while. don't give in to temptation. wounds are still way too fresh to have any kind of productive dialogue; all you're doing is hurting each other (mostly her hurting you) and with how you're feeling right now, you need to protect yourself from that shit.
i have BCBS but my psychiatrist doesn't take it. that's why i recommended a therapist. you're unlikely to be able to see a psychiatrist without first talking to a therapist, anyway. my psychiatrist is basically there for the "big picture" and to make sure my meds are working properly. my therapist is there to talk to every week about all of the little things. find a therapist; worry about medication later.
God is an American
Hey, man, I'm really sorry to hear that this situation is so difficult... please don't minimize it by saying what you're going through isn't important or that you're just not handling it well. Bad situations like the one you're in can feel really, really awful. Truly. That's not out of the ordinary... you are irritated for a good reason, and I think we're all empathizing with how bad it feels because we'd feel the same way. I spent a few weeks at my parents' place with my partner in self-isolation, and we were both about to lose our shit on a daily basis by the end of it. This is not a good time to be going through family/domestic issues, but of course we have to deal with them anyhow. Give yourself the space and the time to process a bit, however you can, before going through more of it. You can get a therapist and talk about it, but in this specific moment, try and just focus on soothing yourself, removing the most irritating things that you can from directly in front of you, and get through the day. We want to see you on the mend. Sending love to you, Jim.
Bite me
@Jinsai here’s a secret that I discovered, that lots of people have discovered, as far as medication goes:
Your primary physician can dispense psych drugs. Which is better than nothing. You have anxiety, panic attacks, etc. An Internist can deal with this, and it’s covered by insurance. BECAUSE psychiatrists aren’t covered by insurance, internal medicine has been filling that role. Perhaps not the greatest thing, but it’s better than NO thing.
I echo what has been said, above, though: Medication is no substitute for therapy. Therapy is a separate thing that is totally essential in these circumstances, and therapists often work on a sliding scale on whatever insurance doesn’t cover.
tempus est umbra in mente
thanks to everyone for the advice... I've gotta try something. this isn't sustainable. I mean, man, I just woke up and it's 1:30... I've never really been like this. Yesterday I woke up at 5am. I feel insane
Stubby Member
Meds can help as a bridge until you can find help which works for you. For me, 2 weeks of xanax was an absolute blessing when I was in a really rough spot. But everyone is different. Meds which helped me might make you worse overall. But I bet there is something available which can help short term.
I know how difficult things can be wrt insurance and psych. Although it is way better now than it was before Obamacare. When I really needed help about 20 years ago, my insurance (absolute best policy available then) refused to cover therapy because I did not have a physiological or biochemical diagnosis. What a crock.
In addition to traditional psych practitioners, also consider other options. A friend you have not seen in a very long time (who owes you a favor perhaps). Family including distant family who you don't really know. Pastor or other religious leader, even if you don't "belong" to that particular brand of religion.
All of the above are actual examples which helped me when I was in a really rough spot. I really hope you find the support you need!
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