The Mental Health thread - depression, bipolar, ADHD, you name it

[Pillfred]

One of those days where I feel I've become too comfortable in the eye of my own storm. I can't even find the right words to express how I feel. Part of it started when I thought about getting a coat rack as silly as it sounds. Without context it probably doesn't sound like a big deal and by itself it really isn't. It just got me thinking about a lot of different things in relation to where I find myself right now.

Probably didn't make much sense and perhaps I shouldn't complain but I needed to vent. On that note as well I plan on getting back into seeing a counselor again.

[BrewHa]

I was diagnosed with major depressive order over a year ago. Before being diagnosed, I was self medicating with cocaine, adderall and ecstasy. Eventually I became addicted and my life completely fell apart. I was never much of a partier and usually did the drugs by myself and stayed up for days at a time. All of my previous passions and hobbies faded away. It was the most alone I've ever felt. Unfortunately, all of my past years of heavy drug use have awoken my hereditary depression and now I am on an anti-depressants. I took Lexapro for awhile, but I hated it and made the switch to Wellbutrin. Can't say I'm in love with it. I feel like it mutes my emotions and gives me a fake sense of happiness. I still go through depressive episodes from time to time, but thankfully it's not as bad as it was before. I really shouldn't be alive, but alas here I am for whatever fucking reason. Maybe some day I'll find out. I do know that I'd like to live long enough to be able to move far far away into the mountains and live in a lovely log cabin for the rest of my days. I know I'm an old soul and this society isn't for me. Peace and love to you all and thanks for listening.

[kel]

the best depiction of bipolar disorder in cinema, 'i smile back'. i don't have the addiction side, but it still resonated in a huge way. most of the time i'm okay, but if i'm not i'm drowning in depression or dealing with hypomania and making shitty decisions. this movie captures it perfectly.

[miss k bee]

Been feeling pretty low for the past couple of weeks, with a low mood I can't shake. Been looking for a job for 6 months now, was the victim of a job scam and now getting pressure but no support from the Jobcentre. Have to to go the Dr, already on low dose Paroxetine for anxiety. Sucks.

[richardp]

Switched to a new anti-anxiety medicine today and this shit makes me so sleepy. SAD FACE SAD FACE.

[Swykk]

Does cutting one in half help? That's what I do with mine and it make me less sleepy.

[richardp]

I think I'm going to half to. I neeeever take naps, and today I pretty much passed the fuck out from like right after I posted that to just now. Felt like I took that heavy duty ass NyQuil ZZZ stuff.

[Swykk]

"Half to." I see what you did there. Seriously, though, it couldn't hurt to try.

[kel]

can i ask what it is? my seroquel knocks my ass out every night in 30 minutes, like clockwork.

[richardp]

Sertraline. Now this shit has pulled a full 180 and is giving me a terrible bout of insomnia and nausea. Ughhhh.

[Swykk]

Be careful. It can be the "same" pill but a different manufacturer. And therefore, different ingredients aside from the primary stuff. My understanding is that it's 70% primary and 30% whatever the fuck the manufacturer adds to complete it.

[kel]

Sertraline. Now this shit has pulled a full 180 and is giving me a terrible bout of insomnia and nausea. Ughhhh.

sertraline (aka zoloft) made me anxious as hell. hope it metabolizes for you sooner than later.

[richardp]

sertraline (aka zoloft) made me anxious as hell. hope it metabolizes for you sooner than later.

How long did it take for you to get used it, if I may ask?

[kel]

How long did it take for you to get used it, if I may ask?

i didn't. it wasn't a right fit. my doc switched me to fluoxetine (aka prozac).

[richardp]

If it's still fucking with me by the end of the weekend, I'm definitely going to have my doctor put me on something else. Its made me so sleepy during the day these past couple of days, but then at night when I lay down to sleep, I've ended up just tossing and turning all night.

[elevenism]

This is exactly how i feel.

"Good grief. i've been reapin what i sowed...i aint been outside in a minute"
"step into the shadows we can talk addiction"

This fucking opiate bullshit is KILLING ME. and that's on TOP of being insanely bipolar.
the dr is about to lower my dosage too so it's about to get a lot worse.
but then it will be over, i suppose.
i am ONLY happy/functional for the few hours after i take my pain meds.
the rest of the time it's like having this insistent itch that's impossible to scratch.
and it makes me not wanna be alive.

most of you know my drug/alcohol history. isn't it ironic that just about the worst addiction this alcoholic junkie has ever got into came from a fucking DOCTOR?

[Sarah K]

Now that I've been on a medication that is right for me, it absolutely blows my mind how quickly my brain reverts back to "I'D RATHER NOT PARTICIPATE IN THIS WHOLE "LIFE" THING" when I'm not on them. Plus I had shark week at the same time, so I'm sure that everything was just amplified this past week.

Bah, why is finding a consistent mental health place so hard?

MURRICA

[Baphomette]

Why, hello there depressive cycle that usually starts in November! I was starting to wonder what had happened to you!

[Edo]

Why, hello there depressive cycle that usually starts in November! I was starting to wonder what had happened to you!

I'm sorry to hear that... Same shit happens to me every year. I'm still hoping to find an effective way to avoid it, but I'm totally brain-dead every December to March or so. So far my best idea of relieving it is traveling more, breaking the routine to get some fresh input --- it does help a lot. Also, getting off the booze was a massive improvement for me, too, -- I didn't realize how much worse it was making things, until I quit.

[theruiner]

So...I've kind of realized that my mental issues go way deeper, and are way, WAY more severe, than I initially thought.

I mean, don't get me wrong, they were severe before, they have been severe most of my life. But it's severe at a scary level. My depression has been getting better (a lot better, actually), which is great, but my OCD is wreaking havoc on my brain in ways that are scary even to me (and I thought I had dealt with everything OCD had to offer, even the stuff that most people don't know about, the really scary symptoms that aren't well known). But this is, like, a whole other level of horrible.

I finally got to the point where I finally broke down and started taking Paxil a couple of days ago. My stupid mistake was not researching these things at all before starting. I trusted my therapist and in turn trusted the doctor she recommended me to see. Now I realize I shouldn't have taken anyone's word for anything, I should have looked into it myself. I'm calling the doctor right after work to see what I should do. I'd be willing to bet they will probably want me to make an appointment and come in next week or something and I'm not waiting that long. I've only been on them two days so if I have to I'll just stop. But I'm hoping I can get an answer tonight so I don't have to do that.

In the meantime, I don't know how I'm going to handle this. I'm not taking these meds, but my brain might be unfixable. I'm going to look into getting a different therapist, though I am not very hopeful that they will be able to help any more than my current one.

[Swykk]

That's kind of where I'm at with prescription meds...they're either not working or giving me a myriad of miserable side effects. The one I know works wonders for me is of course something my insurance won't cover! So I've been off for about a year and a half now with admittedly not ideal results. I'm using supplements like St Johns Wort and Onnit's Alpha Brain which have helped. Looking into 5HTP and a couple of other things but haven't been brave enough to try yet. I'm sure it's not a fixable situation. At some point, you've just been through too much. Too many "negative life events" as my therapist used to call them.
@theruiner --I liked your posts because I understand, not because I am happy for what you're going through.

[theruiner]

I'm sorry you're going through that. :/

Yeah, I mean, I really don't want to think there's no hope. I've always been a pretty optimistic person (though my friends may not realize this because I do vent a lot, because my depression has been severe). As bad as things have been my entire life, I've always, ALWAYS told myself it can get better. And my life has just been completely destroyed and I'm just now picking up the pieces. But I've been going to regular therapy for two years now, my depression has been getting better (which took a lot of hard work), but the OCD is just completely out of control. It's actually affecting the way I feel about things- for a few minutes I'll be gung ho on something, my decision is made, I'm doing this. Ten minutes later I feel COMPLETELY the opposite- I can't believe I ever thought this was a good idea, this is nuts, I 100% don't want to do this. Ten minutes later it's, wow, I TOTALLY want to do this, why did I ever not want to?

It isn't quite ten minutes apart, but you get the idea. My therapist thinks it's the OCD, I tend to agree. The thing is, OCD has never done that to me before. To be so completely set on an idea, to want to do something with every fiber of my being...and then not want to. And then wanting to. And then not wanting to. And when I feel one way or the other I really do feel it. So it makes it impossible to make big decisions. The biggest being whether or not to transition, which is HUGE. Huge. It has completely stopped any progress I was making. I'm just stuck with no idea what I want anymore. Neither direction sounds right, or sounds right for any sustained period of time. I can't tell you how horrible this feels.

[Baphomette]

I'm sorry you're going through that. :/

Yeah, I mean, I really don't want to think there's no hope. I've always been a pretty optimistic person (though my friends may not realize this because I do vent a lot, because my depression has been severe). As bad as things have been my entire life, I've always, ALWAYS told myself it can get better. And my life has just been completely destroyed and I'm just now picking up the pieces. But I've been going to regular therapy for two years now, my depression has been getting better (which took a lot of hard work), but the OCD is just completely out of control. It's actually affecting the way I feel about things- for a few minutes I'll be gung ho on something, my decision is made, I'm doing this. Ten minutes later I feel COMPLETELY the opposite- I can't believe I ever thought this was a good idea, this is nuts, I 100% don't want to do this. Ten minutes later it's, wow, I TOTALLY want to do this, why did I ever not want to?

It isn't quite ten minutes apart, but you get the idea. My therapist thinks it's the OCD, I tend to agree. The thing is, OCD has never done that to me before. To be so completely set on an idea, to want to do something with every fiber of my being...and then not want to. And then wanting to. And then not wanting to. And when I feel one way or the other I really do feel it. So it makes it impossible to make big decisions. The biggest being whether or not to transition, which is HUGE. Huge. It has completely stopped any progress I was making. I'm just stuck with no idea what I want anymore. Neither direction sounds right, or sounds right for any sustained period of time. I can't tell you how horrible this feels.

Sorry to hear you're having such a rough time @theruiner. *hugs* I know you're not fond of "natural" meds, but I've found 5-HTP to be wonderful and am using it instead of an anti-depressant. You may wanna give it a try. Also, Paxil is one of those meds that have a tendency to worsen depression and cause suicidal ideations, so PLEASE be careful with it. I would actually encourage you not to take it anymore, since you already suffer from depression, and ask your doctor for an alternative. Sending lots of love to you.

Looking into 5HTP and a couple of other things but haven't been brave enough to try yet.

DO IT! Had great results with both 5-HTP and SAM-e but it did take awhile to figure out the correct dose for myself. They both take about three to four weeks to kick in and I eventually dropped SAM-e as 5-HTP was working fine on its own. I'll go through my bookmarks and send you the info I have about them. I based my dosage on recent studies and conversations with my psychiatrist rather than what the bottle recommended. Currently taking 200 mg in the morning and it's as effective as the ADs without the shitty side effects.

[theruiner]

Thank you for the advice. I will look into that and see how I feel about it. Much appreciated!

In the meantime, I have a doctor's appointment scheduled for Monday so I can switch to a different antidepressant. There's no way around it at this point, I have to take one, so it's just a matter of finding the right one. I'm not taking it for depression (I don't need it for that since my depression is getting better on its own) I'm taking it for the OCD. And only temporarily while I figure out if I'm going to continue transition or not.

In the meantime, I checked with my doctor and he said it's OK to stop taking the Paxil since it's only been a few days. I'm going to email my therapist and run some of the meds by her that are on my list (they did a genetic test to determine which meds were the safest and most effective for me) and see which one she recommends. When I told her they put me on Paxil she was like uh, no...I would highly recommend you get on something else.

[Your Name Here]

...................

[ldopa]

i'm a current alky and a former drug abuser. my words of "wisdom:"

being alone is the presence of yourself, being lonely is a sad longing for another.
you only get one shot at this currently crap existence, don't be scared.
FUCKING FUCK EVERYONE AND DO WHAT YOU FEEL IS RIGHT.

edit: i can tell by your typing, syntax, context, connotations, whatever...you are very tentative, get some sleep too. lots of it. there's plenty of time to sort shit out. you don't need to fix yourself in five minutes.

[jessamineny]

I have been diagnosed with severe depression and OCD. Its funny because I'm recovering alcoholic and drug abuser and when I say drugs I mean cocaine and heroin and I refuse to take any depression medication because it just dulls my brain. I have tried to workout and keep my heart rate up as a way of boosting my endorphines but sometimes that doesn't work. I go from being to depressed (which for me is my normal) to being suicidal depressed and it only gets darker from there.

I used to be an active drug addict, too (cocaine). I had incredible success with Wellbutrin -- and I know at least one other former drug user on this board did as well. Do you have a doc who has a good bit of experience with addicts? If so, talk to her/him about that drug and whether it might work for you. I considered it my lifesaver, and I've heard the same from others like us.

I'm always around if you'd like to talk. :::hugs:::

[Your Name Here]

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[implanted_microchip]

I can't even remember the last moment I felt normal anymore. I guess this is my normal? I don't even know. The worst thing about depression sometimes is how it doesn't feel like a fog or a cloud at all, even though it gets illustrated that way. It's the exact opposite. Like your eyes have finally lifted from some naive dream you'd been having. Suddenly it all snaps into focus and you can see everything so perfectly. It all makes so much sense, and you wonder why no one else around you can see it. Everyone else, stuck in their little fogs.

Like there's this thick sheet of reinforced glass between you and everyone else alive and you're the only one who can see it, you're the only one who can feel it, cold beneath your hands as your breath fogs it up, the closer you get to try and look at everyone on the other side, the more distorted it all becomes. And so you can only see everyone clearly from this distance. You can get it all from this separation. The closer you become the harder it gets to see. Like everything starts to load in lower resolution. Too close and it's just a mess of color, of pixels and polygons.

It's just so incredible the way the misaligned chemicals in your brain make you believe everything they make you feel. And then you think about how reality is so fragile ultimately, how such small changes in biochemistry can fuck with your entire take on everything, and suddenly it's not a feeling but a certainty, you just know that that's how it all is, and it's all up to the chemicals in your head to change what it is. Meds or drugs, sex or friends, any of the things people use and any of the things you try. It's like there is no normal. It's just just so malleable, so totally without definable shape. And you know in the back of your head that that's such shit, that there has to be something better and happier and real and bright and great, but the rest of your head won't listen, and it's a voice to shrill to shout. It's like you get so used to it you just stop caring, you just stop wanting it to be any different, because you know it'll eventually all backdrift, anyway. And then it's like you spend so much of your life avoiding everything that's good about living because of the knowledge that it's all going to end that all you end up getting to really experience is when everything does end.

[Kid Charlemagne]

I've been having a real hard time this week. I couldn't bring myself to swallow my pills again, but I'm taking a break from everything for a while. If you'd like to reach me, feel free to do it by phone of PM, please no contact on social media, because I probably won't see it, I'm staying off of it for a while. I love you all, I promise to get the help I need this time around to avoid it again. Cheers.


Josh