The Mental Health thread - depression, bipolar, ADHD, you name it

[miss k bee]

Visiting my mum and sister in the Caribbean where my confidence levels always drop as people are so damn loud over here

[Joy Prevention Hotline]

Read Stationary Bike by Stephen King and you'll change your mind probably.

Based on Wikipedia's plot summary, I don't think anyone in my arteries will lose their livelihood. I'll be happy to get some more energy and stamina from my exercise, nothing more.

If I ever hear myself say "working out," I will drown myself in a vat of chocolate ice cream. After I eat some first.

[Baphomette]

In case you weren't aware, you should steer clear of grapefruit juice if you're taking certain meds.

[Jinsai]

In case you weren't aware, you should steer clear of grapefruit juice if you're taking certain meds.

The meds I was trying also advised to avoid grapefruit juice... which is lame because I really like grapefruit juice. Oh well...
The biggest problem I've been having with these meds is the way they screw with my sleep cycle. I can't take them in the morning because then I need to take a nap at some point in the early afternoon... If I take them at night before bed, I wake up at 4 in the morning.

Not sure these are going to work.

[Baphomette]

The meds I was trying also advised to avoid grapefruit juice... which is lame because I really like grapefruit juice. Oh well...
The biggest problem I've been having with these meds is the way they screw with my sleep cycle. I can't take them in the morning because then I need to take a nap at some point in the early afternoon... If I take them at night before bed, I wake up at 4 in the morning.

Not sure these are going to work.

What if you take them in the afternoon? Which ones are you trying?

[Joy Prevention Hotline]

Fortunately for me, I despise grapefruit juice. Between that and my indifference to caffeine and alcohol, I don't have to worry much about food interacting with my medication.

This week I think the exercise started to have some effect on how I feel. A bit lighter on my feet (even though my weight hasn't changed at all), standing a little taller, walking up stairs instead of pulling myself up the banisters, and my back seems less fragile.

I'm also sleeping better than I was for the first few weeks, which is a relief. I've avoided exercising on work nights because it was taking me so long to fall asleep, even by my usual standards. Still dreaming a lot, but waking up is easier now. Maybe this week I'll try a little bike time each night (and I do mean a little, because that's all it takes for my legs to give out on me after a day of work).

The meds I was trying also advised to avoid grapefruit juice... which is lame because I really like grapefruit juice. Oh well...
The biggest problem I've been having with these meds is the way they screw with my sleep cycle. I can't take them in the morning because then I need to take a nap at some point in the early afternoon... If I take them at night before bed, I wake up at 4 in the morning.

Not sure these are going to work.

Hmm, that sounds a little like me and SSRIs.

[Dra508]

This week I think the exercise started to have some effect on how I feel. A bit lighter on my feet (even though my weight hasn't changed at all), standing a little taller, walking up stairs instead of pulling myself up the banisters, and my back seems less fragile..

I totally believe exercise promotes better sleep and saved me from major depression and anxiety. Keep at it man.

[Joy Prevention Hotline]

So much for "a little." I went 20 minutes — not exactly a personal record, mind you, but long enough to guarantee I'd spend the next half hour under a cold shower. (Mmm, cooooooooold.)

If it keeps me up till 3 am, I'm doomed.

I did have more energy than usual today, so maybe I'd better get used to working off the excess steam this way.

And I will now shut up for a few weeks so this doesn't turn into "JPH discovers exercise, world rolls its eyes."

[Sarah K]

Fully convinced that if I don't get a new job and shit so that I can have insurance and visit the doctor, I will be dead inside of a year.

Holy fuck this is unbearable. I'm not like full on OH MY GOD I WANT TO KILL MYSELF. But there has definitely been persistent suicidal ideation for a month now, and it only gets worse. Outwardly, I don't think it's been too bad. I've tried to make myself get out and still do something at least once a weekend, but sometimes the thought of that is unbearable and it's simply impossible. On the weekend of the 4th, I was in bed from Thursday night until Monday morning with the exception of about 20 minutes of going to my roof to watch fireworks.

And it's not even some highly emotional thing. I just keep thinking maybe I've lived long enough. That's more or less been 50% of my thoughts for the last month... That I've maybe lived long enough.

[Lunatica]

Fully convinced that if I don't get a new job and shit so that I can have insurance and visit the doctor, I will be dead inside of a year.

Holy fuck this is unbearable. I'm not like full on OH MY GOD I WANT TO KILL MYSELF. But there has definitely been persistent suicidal ideation for a month now, and it only gets worse. Outwardly, I don't think it's been too bad. I've tried to make myself get out and still do something at least once a weekend, but sometimes the thought of that is unbearable and it's simply impossible. On the weekend of the 4th, I was in bed from Thursday night until Monday morning with the exception of about 20 minutes of going to my roof to watch fireworks.

And it's not even some highly emotional thing. I just keep thinking maybe I've lived long enough. That's more or less been 50% of my thoughts for the last month... That I've maybe lived long enough.

Have you tried some type of diversion therapy?

Whenever your thoughts get locked in some negative thought or problem and you can't seem to "snap out of it" (which Depression doesn't really work that way anyways) you can practice a sport or any type of physical or creative activity.

You can also Google image pictures of anything you find cute. (My thing is Keanu Reeves and Channing Tatum's butt and otters holding hands)

The theory is using that obsessiveness and stress for something else other than nothing, really just, anything. It seems simple enough, but I know how hard it is to stop obsessing about a problem or a negative thought. I was like that last month and I thought about my suicide note just saying "I don't get it". While I still don't have a job or any type of closure with the ex I just decided to divert that energy into other things and I don't feel bad anymore. It's easier said than done but, it can be done. I too don't have the insurance for therapy or medication and it's hard to deal with it every day but honestly so far that's the only thing that has worked for me and the only valuable thing that I can say about that.

You should maybe read up more on diversion therapy too, my examples are just me being funny.

[Baphomette]

Fully convinced that if I don't get a new job and shit so that I can have insurance and visit the doctor, I will be dead inside of a year.

Holy fuck this is unbearable. I'm not like full on OH MY GOD I WANT TO KILL MYSELF. But there has definitely been persistent suicidal ideation for a month now, and it only gets worse. Outwardly, I don't think it's been too bad. I've tried to make myself get out and still do something at least once a weekend, but sometimes the thought of that is unbearable and it's simply impossible. On the weekend of the 4th, I was in bed from Thursday night until Monday morning with the exception of about 20 minutes of going to my roof to watch fireworks.

And it's not even some highly emotional thing. I just keep thinking maybe I've lived long enough. That's more or less been 50% of my thoughts for the last month... That I've maybe lived long enough.

Are you still taking Wellbutrin?

[Sarah K]

I know about coping techniques, yeah... They're just hard to implement on yourself. Heh. Like basically all I want to do is stay in bed.

Not on the Wellbutrin for the last few months, which is what the main problem is.

[[parasite]]

guys do any of you practice Mindfulness, I'm finding it helps to some extent! albeit I am on Lamotrigine & Mirtazapine, with the occasional Lorazapam sneaked in.
but honestly Mindfulness and a workout regime, I cycle 8km (just under 5miles) a day, can keep me stable for long periods!

edit: now I need a good torso and arm work out, without going to a gym or buying anything lol

[allegro]

I know about coping techniques, yeah... They're just hard to implement on yourself. Heh. Like basically all I want to do is stay in bed.

It's gotta be hard, too, when there is so much adversity where you are (NYC); harder to find work, harder to find affordable housing, so many fucking people; NYC can be the eater of souls. It's just harder to survive there, period. Could you consider going back home, at least as part of an overall "plan?" Maybe going back to school? Apply for some student aid, etc?

[Sarah K]

It's gotta be hard, too, when there is so much adversity where you are (NYC); harder to find work, harder to find affordable housing, so many fucking people; NYC can be the eater of souls. It's just harder to survive there, period. Could you consider going back home, at least as part of an overall "plan?" Maybe going back to school? Apply for some student aid, etc?

I'd love nothing more than to be able to finish my degree.

I realize that my job isn't the source of EVERYTHING, but it is a significant stressor in my life, and a lot of the difficulty I'm facing is because of it. I'm not on the books here... I show no income, so I don't want to apply for student aid until I have a legit job. I'm not going to take grants and such. I would feel like too much of an asshole. Heh. Everyone else thinks this is what I should be doing. This is the same reason that I don't have medical coverage that I will actually use... I show no income, so I qualify for free everything. So when I go to the doctor, I just pay everything out of pocket to not use that. Going to therapy + psychiatrist + medication was costing me over half of my income each month. I did it for a while. But I never know when I will get paid with this job, so it's hard to budget.

Even if I get paid a few bucks less an hour, I think I would be much happier. I know the job isn't specifically causing these negative thoughts to consume me, but I feel like it sure as shit isn't helping, either. Wellbutrin was like a fucking miracle drug for me. I can't even express how normal and alive I felt while on it. It was like... Oh, this is what life is supposed to be like. These are emotions!

[allegro]

I'm not going to take grants and such. I would feel like too much of an asshole. Heh. Everyone else thinks this is what I should be doing. This is the same reason that I don't have medical coverage that I will actually use... I show no income, so I qualify for free everything. So when I go to the doctor, I just pay everything out of pocket to not use that. Going to therapy + psychiatrist + medication was costing me over half of my income each month. I did it for a while. But I never know when I will get paid with this job, so it's hard to budget.

Dude, why????? When I went back to school, I got THE MOST MONEY because I WAS MAKING NO MONEY (at least on the books). I showed that I was being supported by my boyfriend (G) and I had no job, and I got a lot of money that way. What's wrong with that??!?! I even could have gotten discount (or FREE) health insurance through the school. The school gave me grants, the state gave me grants, THAT'S WHY THEY ARE THERE. You are a female attempted to get your life together, that's why those programs are there! Why make your life more difficult, girl? Those aren't welfare programs, they're there for special reasons, and they're often sitting there UNUSED.

I really believe that a job can suck the life right out of you, it's done it to me so many fucking times I can't count. Hell, my boss is doing it to me right now, on and off. I don't mind my "job," itself, but he makes me totally fucking nuts most of the time. If you get yourself into school, you may be at least able to get on some kind of insurance that will get you back on your Wellbutrin? If you qualify for free programs, honey, you have to go for it. It's not lowering yourself, that's why they are there, you NEED that right now, to survive, make it a part of your TEMPORARY PLAN. You're really smart, make a plan!

[Sarah K]

I struggle with it because I make money. Like, poverty level money, probably. Lol... but still. So while I would probably get some sort of assistance if my income was on the books, I wouldn't get near what I will get if I show zero, ya know. Plus wouldn't it be like fraud or something?

I'm nervous to get an out of pocket insurance plan because my pay is so inconsistent. Like having another expense when my income is shaky seems like it would be another stressor. But I did remember a thing that I showed someone a while back... That you can get Wellbutrin for $50/month from them directly with a prescription. So maybe I can make an appointment and have them submit the paperwork for that. At least get that taken care of. I think that would help a lot.

I almost bought a fistful of Adderall the other night.

[allegro]

I struggle with it because I make money. Like, poverty level money, probably. Lol... but still. So while I would probably get some sort of assistance if my income was on the books, I wouldn't get near what I will get if I show zero, ya know. Plus wouldn't it be like fraud or something?

The ones who are committing FRAUD are YOUR BOSSES. They're putting you in a bad situation with this cash shit, anyway. (Like, no social security on the books and you're eventually gonna NEED that.) So I wouldn't worry about THAT too much, THEY'RE the ones who should worry about that shit. They're the ones avoiding FICA, Social Security, all kinds of shit. You really need to find another job, obviously. In the meantime, make a plan? Any kind of assistance you can get, get it. In your case, it's seriously a case of life or death. And that's no bullshit.

[playwithfire]

I was going to explain this (with a shitload of TMI) but I don't want medical advice so tl;dr, ruined my anniversary/fell apart/bailed on plans/lost $120 and feel pretty awful. OCD is hell.

[Sarah K]

Pretty sure I just had/am having a panic attack for the first time in my life. So that's a fun new thing.

[playwithfire]

Oh no! I'm so sorry. I get really bad anxiety sometimes and will get nauseous and out of it, but I've never had the panic attacks I've seen friends have. This seems to be good advice to deal with it, but like, do whatever you think is best. I hate getting unwelcome advice and don't wanna be that guy. <3

[Baphomette]

Pretty sure I just had/am having a panic attack for the first time in my life. So that's a fun new thing.

They're a barrel of laughs, aren't they? Two things that help me get through them: my cat and distraction. Cuddle your pup, focus on his/her heartbeat, let them love on you. It really helps.

[Sarah K]

It happened because I was forcing myself to go out... I got ready and everything. And then, when I looked up how to get there, I saw that I was going to have to take a bus and two trains instead of the one train my friend had told me. Then somehow that quickly escalated into me just wanting to die.

Jesus christ.

I feel like none of my friends are listening to me at all. I continually get asked if I'm okay, I answer "No" over and over again. I get the standard "Let me know if I can do anything". Then when I ask for things that would be helpful, they just ignore me. And not big things. So far it has been to go to a meeting with me, to go walk around somewhere, and tonight I just wanted to get out of the apartment for a bit. Go for a car ride or walk or something. This is how people die. I knew it was going to be a long shot, as everyone was planning on going to this party tonight. But fuck.

[playwithfire]

So... going to things has been it's own challenge for me lately (I've bailed on the three most recent parties I've planned to go to. If there isn't more than one restroom... like even multiple stalls are great and I can work with... then I usually can't deal since I take a while and I find people getting impatient terrifying/crushing) but like... let me know if I can help, seriously. We don't live super close to each other, but yeah.

[Sarah K]

I have a couple of friends who cooked me dinner and stuff. I just haven't been esting(which isn't the worst thing). She got me in to see someone she knows tomorrow who will work with me on payment. So that's good.

Then, right after we got that scheduled, my roommate text me telling me that we have to be out by the end of the month. HAHAHA I LOVE LIFE IS IS SO AWESOME

[Baphomette]

I have a couple of friends who cooked me dinner and stuff. I just haven't been esting(which isn't the worst thing). She got me in to see someone she knows tomorrow who will work with me on payment. So that's good.

Then, right after we got that scheduled, my roommate text me telling me that we have to be out by the end of the month. HAHAHA I LOVE LIFE IS IS SO AWESOME

The end of THIS month??? Is that even legal?

[Sarah K]

Probably. I've been Subletting a room since last July. Last I knew, one of them had a brother moving in, and I was going to have to find somewhere in a few months.

He text me that since the lease is up at the end of the month that the landlord is going to start showing it tomorrow. I said so, I have 12 days to find somewhere to live? It would have been awesome to know that before now. He hasn't responded.

[halloween]

I feel silly posting this but I kind of just need some words of encouragement or something. I'm one month away from making a rather large life decision by moving to another country where my mother's side of the family lives. It's been 9 years since I last lived there and while being very excited and looking forward to this move something I've dreamed about since even before I left 9 years ago, haha- it's triggering the hurt 14 year old in me who is feeling a bit of a panic and definitely depressed over leaving my friends and lover. I'd like to say I can deal with loneliness in a healthy way but lately I've felt so vulnerable and thoughts of self-harm come floating back but I haven't felt the need to act on it thankfully. I keep having to talk to myself as a child, "It's going to be ok, change is scary and moving is stressful, you'll make new friends and you can easily keep in touch with old friends thanks to the internet...it's going to be ok..." I've suffered with separation anxiety due to my excessive traveling as a child between two countries and this feels very much like that.

Anyways, I'm not sure if I'm posting this in the right place but I just wanted to know how other people have dealt with big moves. Part of it feels unnatural to me but at the same time I realize people do it all the time so it's not unnatural I guess.

[sentient02970]

@halloween Not silly at all! A move like that is a big change and changes like that come with all kinds of anxiety and stress. I think a lot of what has helped me over the many moves and changes in my life has been to find a way to ground myself in the new environment. Instead of dwelling on "what I leave behind" I tried to find ways to discover things I loved about the new place/town/people and follow where that leads me. In EVERY case, it's been great and allowed me personally to grow. One example is my latest move from the quiet rural island community to an older, noiser, slow to redevelop, urban community. I'm finding new places to hang out in, new places to walk/run/bike to, seeing the city grow month to month. I'm enjoying the ease of going to the corner store, being a regular there and getting to know the small businesses in the community (something I had very little touch on in my old place). I'm able to focus on my small backyard and make it our own personal haven. I live in possibly one of if not the most criminally shady parts of the city but we've been able to make it our own and find safety in what we can control. Sure, we'd like to move back into the country sometime in the future but for now we've found ways to ground ourselves and make this "home".

I hope that helps some! Best to you!

[halloween]

@sentient02970 Thank you! It is helpful to read that. One thing that I envision when I'm feeling low like I did when I posted that, is the moment I step off the plane and am greeted by my sister and mother, I'm sure I'm going to feel elation during that time. I realize that it's the anticipation of the day of goodbyes that is freaking me out more than anything. I manage to let it out of my mind for about three days at a time until it hits me again full force.