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Thread: The Mental Health thread - depression, bipolar, ADHD, you name it

  1. #1201
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    I just realized that I am no longer looking forward to anything. Like, there’s a NIN concert this fall that I have tickets to. My first NIN show even. And I’m not sitting here looking at the set lists and thinking “oh man this is going to be awesome”. Like not even a little bit. I basically know why but I don’t have a clue how to fix it. The only way I know is a nuclear option so I’m obviously trying to come up with something but right now it’s a Cold War in my house and none of the sides want to sit and talk at a table.

    I’m supposed to be going on a bike / camping trip with my son next week but I totally forgot about it until today when he said, loudly and frequently upon being reminded of said trip, that he’d rather do anything else. Cool. Cool cool cool. I guess I can start charging him rent now since he’s no longer part of the family?

    I spend 90% of my time sitting and being depressed by looking out into the middle distance now. I see a counselor and I guess it might help eventually but for now I’m just done with everything. He told me last week “find something that makes you happy” and I can’t fucking find anything right now.

    Calling it “Depressed” is putting a flower on a pile of shit. I don’t want to be here anymore.

  2. #1202
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    @allegate - I hear you. Maybe let your son find his own path right now? It’s all normal stuff he’s feeling. The last place most kids his age want to be is with a parent. Especially after an extended Covid lockdown. 10 years from now, that may be different. But the more you let him go, while still letting him know you love him, without smothering him, the more he can grow while still knowing you’re always there if he needs you?

    Re your therapist’s advise: “Happy” is such a subjective kinda bullshit term.

    I like to think of happy as “lack of unhappy.”

    So with that in mind, sometimes doing ABSOLUTELY NOTHING is so fucking awesome. Sometimes taking a NAP in the MIDDLE OF THE DAY ON A SUNDAY is like THE BEST THING EVER. Sometimes wasting hours on a Saturday reading a book is THERAPY.

    We sometimes think what will make us “happy” is some grand elaborate thing, but it’s often just the simplest things.

    Happy is a fleeting moment?

    Sometimes blowing off something you THOUGHT you wanted to do but don’t feel like doing, anymore, actually makes you MORE happy than making yourself do that thing you thought you wanted to do?

    I know exactly how you feel, though. Been there.

    Life is hard. It’s also REALLY short; much shorter than I ever realized, until I got to the point where it’s almost over and I’m going “holy shit, where did all the time go? The ride’s almost over.” Flitting between suicide ideation and fearing mortality is pretty weird, but it is what it is.
    Last edited by allegro; 06-23-2022 at 01:56 PM.

  3. #1203
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    I’m definitely aware of how this is his life, and I’m OK with him making his own decisions. A lot of the pain for me is just how he decides to make the decisions. He may as well say he’d rather sit on a hot poker sometimes for as heated as he gets. I guess it’s mostly weird for me because I never yelled at my parents. See, one time my mom said “oh I’m so glad you don’t get mad, it’s such a nice change of pace” because my two older brothers were always heated so that stuck with me. Like, stuck so much I have a hard time getting upset at people at times when I should. You know, like when someone threatens me with taking away my job? Nope. Calm convo about that too. I feel like a pushover.

    as for happy? I agree. It was kind of a bullshit exercise because A) look the fuck around dude. My VA doctors have this questionnaire that they have to ask and it’s always about depression (because of veteran suicide, natch) and the last time I went in I just laughed at them when they asked “have you been depressed in the last spans of time…”. I told them it wasn’t a fair question and that I couldn’t answer it without them getting concerned about me. Anyway, I need a B) so B is that there’s not a lot around me right now projecting happy anyway. He asked me “do you dislike yourself” and I said constantly.

    Since we’re in the mental health thread I’ve also noticed that I’ve actually become suspicious of anyone who gives me a compliment. Like, I was dropping my bicycle off to have some work done on it and they said “oh yeah, this looks nice, I like what you’ve done with the colors” and I could only think, “what do you want from me.” I was instantly wary of them trying to take advantage of me somehow. That’s kind of shitty and not “happy” in the slightest.

    The VA is looking at mushroom and ketamine therapy and I need to find out if there are any trials in the area because geezus I’m just not enjoying anything right now.

  4. #1204
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    @allegate , dude, can you maybe vape a 50/50 mix of THC/CBD?

    Because I’ve been doing that. I used to be you, and now I mostly ain’t, anymore. I’m not Snoop Dogg, but I swear this shit’s an attitude adjuster. Like, I am totally way more zen, now.

  5. #1205
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    I don't know if this is the proper thread but I've found and come to understand a ground-shaking anomaly in my brain and its awareness has shifted my attitude on the more optimistic side.

    Whenever I learn new information about knowledge I either identify with it or I identify somebody else with it. Art stuff, that's me. Chess stuff, that's Bobby Fischer or Magnus Carlsen. Singing old folk ballads, I can say "That's me." (or anybody). Singing "I will always love you" That's Whitney Houston or Dolly Parton and nobody else.

    So, in my mind personality precedes knowledge. I've told myself people are a caveat to knowledge: I like their attitude before I dig into what makes their attitude. Chess rocks, so do bugs, high fashion, so does Abba, Styx, and Bauhaus and all the ins and outs of cool stuff I don't identify with. It's the reason I got in to Nine Inch Nails, because I think Trent's such a cool guy so everything connected to him is cool. (Love their soundtrack ambiance stuff but because of its charisma I really appreciate everything as a whole).

    When learning something I don't identify with, I picture whatever expert I respect teaching it to me. (Miranda Priestly teaching fashion) I think "what would they think?"
    In short I learn by positive peer pressure/reinforcement. This makes learning fun but it has led to some big emotional traps. Why the heck am I learning mixolydian in 5/4 time? Why do I feel pressured to hit that high note? Who cares about transforming a vector in Adobe? Or the word for gratitude in French (reconnaissance)? And isolated knowledge, devoid of personality is not fun and with the idea of knowledge belonging to certain people, the purpose of and personality that I love sort of die.
    I'm not Whitney Houston, I can't connect what she connects to that makes her capable of her skills, so I don't have that "personality" she has... soul sucking.

    And then if I'm given a task initially devoid of a personality, learn anatomy and physiology, learn to calculate the odds of which racecar number finishing in this numeric order, well... that's when knowledge seems to isolate me from positive emotions, spunk, moxy, charisma that makes everything in life enjoyable...

    Well now that I understand the mechanics of my brain, maybe I can twist that to my advantage: Maybe I'll picture Einstein's infective joy when I study math, I'll remember why he loved it and crunching data might actually make sense. Maybe instead of picturing Celine Dion or Barbara Streisand being "untouchable" when I'm learning a song they sang, I can (just like they did) feel some true natural memory that relates to the song, maybe I'll allow some emotion in me (I labeled "untouchable" because it belonged to the more talented singers), to come out, maybe everything will come out better.

    Knowledge, logic, and emotions are a vice-versa exchange of power I don't fully understand but I know I can control how I attribute myself or others to the learning process.
    I'll edit this when I find a way to say it in a way that makes more sense.

  6. #1206
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    i doubt iím the only one here who can still have a sense of humour, even though i have a mental illness, but majority of people think itís impossible to have depression, personally disorder or any other illness, and still be able to laugh!


    Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro

  7. #1207
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    Speaking of humor: while we were visiting my sister-in-law she had us watch Hannah Gadsby's new special Douglas. It was funny, and one bit in it - it's in the trailer - is "If you're here because of Nanette, why?" made us watch that after getting back. I texted her: "Holy shit at Nanette." Talk about needing humor in the depths of depression, wow.



    So, specifically about Nanette: there's a bit in the special - and luckily it's in the trailer as well! - that really stuck with me.



    "Do you understand what self-deprecation means? It's not humility, it's humiliation."

    I constantly use self-deprecation as an ice breaker but this made me look at it a little differently. Like the time in speech class for the "introduce yourself" speech where I said "I got into radio because I have the face for it". There was an older lady who wrote that down and asked about it during the Q&A at the end and I had to explain the joke - I'm too ugly to be on television - and she disagreed with me. I dunno, explaining a joke never works but she just fundamentally disagreed with me. That stuck with me. Like I took that class in 2005 stuck with me. So I've tried to be more mindful of myself so I stop putting myself down to get laughs or explain situations. I do it all the time at work and it's caused some situations where people take me at my word and I have to explain it was a joke.

    Explaining jokes never make them funnier, especially when the process makes you look like a madman.

    on a slightly different tack, the therapist I was seeing told me yesterday "you sound like you really have a handle on things so I think we're done here" and I was like...I know it sounds like that because I intrinsically know how to approach situations that cause depression in a way that sounds great - I've read a lot of books about it! - but that doesn't mean I don't need someone to talk to. I even told him, when he asked what I thought, "well selfishly I think that having someone to talk to is good for me. I don't have anyone I can talk to about these things, the only people I see consistently in my day-to-day life is my wife and son." so I got a "if you need to talk you know where I am". oh ok.

    No one I work with comes to work and even then only three remain in the area, everyone else moved when the jobs went virtual. The one guy in the area who is like "hey let's get together" is on the other side of Portland where you have to drive through two terrible traffic situations to get there so at a minimum is a 40 minute drive.

    Finally: Holy shit do not read the comments on those videos. Netflix should just turn comments off, they're so effing hateful. Jesus.

  8. #1208
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    I was on a third date the other day, after we saw Nope, and the girl I’m seeing told me I was cute, smart and funny.

    My anxiety kicked in and I immediately self deprecated before I could even think to stop. Basically an, “I don’t know about those first two.” She called me out on it right away (as she should). She was cool about it. She was right.

    I’m not great with compliments. There’s completely understandable reasons why but the point is that I should VERY MUCH LIKE that she thinks these things about me. And I should probably think them too!

    My impulse to self deprecate is multifaceted. One, I don’t want to ever sound conceited. Two, I believe I’m of fairly average intelligence and not that great looking (it’s how I was treated by my family and kids growing up to give a short answer). My charms are in my humor and my heart, I tend to think. Three, I do think it’s funny. And it used to be. These days, it isn’t. And furthermore, it’s not healthy thinking for me.

    So that was a long way to say I know where you’re coming from @allegate.

    I know probably everyone I’m friends with here on other platforms would likely agree I need to work on accepting compliments and not being self deprecating.
    Last edited by Swykk; 07-28-2022 at 12:07 PM.

  9. #1209
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    Yeah, I understand, I’m not very good with compliments, either. There are things I know may be sort of true but if someone tells me, I’m likely to brush it off in the interest of humility and because “it’s a sin to be vain” was always drummed into my head.

    When, really, a simple “gee, thanks” is all that’s necessary to 1) validate the person’s comment and 2) not get into the psyche weeds.

  10. #1210
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    100% on the compliment train here. I mentioned earlier how I was in a place where the compliment sounded more like "what are you trying to get from me" instead of what it was: a compliment. During the conversation I had with a supervisor about my job he said "I really like having you working here, you come at things from a way I'd never think of" and all I could think was "has that ever happened?" Maybe it has, I'm terrible at thinking I'm doing things well.

  11. #1211
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    I don’t post anything on here often. But lately I’ve had a lot on my mind. I guess I just need to express somewhere how I’m feeling and maybe get some opinions/advice on things. So I have always suffered from depression since I can remember. Even as a kid in grade school I just felt it. It’s been a issue just forever, lol. I am at a place now in my life at the age of 36 where I kind of have no clue what I’m doing with my life still. And it’s just recently hit me hard realizing that. Like I have no career, a job I hate. No close friends, my best is moving even farther away than we already are( he’s in Denver and I’m in the Bay Area) I have NO love life, I suck at dating. My folks are in their 70’s and their health is bad. The friends I do have all have families so really we just talk or text. I just feel stuck, like I don’t know how to make things better. In my mid 20’s I did get out of the rut a bit and life was optimistic for a few years. But now everything is dark again. I’m tired of being alone, not having anything to look forward to that is of importance. I’m just lost. I feel so empty inside it hurts most days. I would be willing to do meds and therapy again, but I know that won’t solve the issue alone. I think a HUGE, HUGE reason I have always felt this way is because I didn’t grow up in a house that showed love and affection. That no woman has told me they love me. I was adopted. So I have never been needed or shown it at least by anyone. I have a hard time maintaining friendships because I think I don’t deserve it. I don’t know... I’m just ranting at this point. I just feel empty, lost and I guess hopeless about my future. Sorry everyone, I just needed to get this out somewhere.
    Last edited by burninglard; 08-02-2022 at 11:54 PM.

  12. #1212
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    Hi @burninglard , sorry you’re going through all this. I’ve faced some of what you are currently. Therapy and meds are great ideas. What I’d also recommend and I know from experience it’s easier said than done is you have to put yourself out there. It’s very difficult especially with COVID looming over us these last 2.5 years.

    You also should try and make your own fun when possible. Little things like a meal, treat, movie, game, etc…whatever you enjoy that’ll provide a light in the dark. They add up.

  13. #1213
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    Quote Originally Posted by Swykk View Post
    Hi @burninglard, sorry you’re going through all this. I’ve faced some of what you are currently. Therapy and meds are great ideas. What I’d also recommend and I know from experience it’s easier said than done is you have to put yourself out there. It’s very difficult especially with COVID looming over us these last 2.5 years.

    You also should try and make your own fun when possible. Little things like a meal, treat, movie, game, etc…whatever you enjoy that’ll provide a light in the dark. They add up.
    Thanks man. I know I need to try to be more social and get out there. It’s just I need to think of places to meet like minded people. As far a fun things... I play modular synth and that’s fun. Patching relaxes me, but it definitely isolates me and I blow too much money on gear, lol. Any suggestions on things to try?

  14. #1214
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    Simple things like taking a 15 minute walk down somewhere also helps too, while the weather is still nice.

  15. #1215
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    Quote Originally Posted by ickyvicky View Post
    Simple things like taking a 15 minute walk down somewhere also helps too, while the weather is still nice.
    Yeah I usually walk my dog everyday. That is usually nice to get out and do. Told my mom about how I’m feeling today. Tomorrow she is going to help me set up an appointment to see a doctor and get some help. I kind of broke down and cried. But it helped to let it out finally to someone. It’s time to admit I need some help, that I don’t have all the answers. Wish me luck.

  16. #1216
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    Well today was a bummer. Tried calling a few people about therapy and all of them were not accepting new clients. But that isn’t a bad thing. Just unfortunate. So back to the drawing board tomorrow.

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