Hairy Member
Wishing you all the support Vicky, It's hard to lose someone when you have such a great relationship with them but it's wonderful that you were close.
Brief question for the forum on screen use and mental health-
Does anyone have maladies they believe are correlated with screen time? Does anyone get an addiction like I do sometimes? Is there a way to cope with that even when you have to use electronics for business?
I feel like my phone is making my brain waste away.
Hairy Member
As far as the electronics and screen time zapping brain power and life - I totally can see that for sure.. Since you gotta use tech for work it sounds like, is it possible to set aside specific times throughout the day that could be tech free? Even just like five min breaks have helped me in the past when I feel that tech drag hit - I’d excuse myself for a quick five minute walk in fresh air or go fix a cup of tea or coffee... Also as silly as it sounds, maybe something small like a new keyboard (if using a laptop/pc) or a new phone case? I know that sounds silly but small things like that work for me as symbols when I have to do things or be places that are hard on me mentally....Originally Posted by Serene Nymph
Hairy Member
Has anyone here as an adult ever had a sudden realization or awareness that something that’s always sort of been a part of you or whatnot falls under a mental health diagnosis/category?? It’s kind of hard to explain, but kinda like I’m suddenly seeing so much of my past in a different light due to previously unknown circumstances related to trauma I’ve lived through and it’s like all of a sudden all of these random puzzle pieces that never fit together that have always left me feeling abnormal completely make sense... I’ve hesitated posting anything because honestly, I’m not sure I can even formulate understandably on it... And this probably makes little sense...
Hairy Member
Disasscoaitive amnesia - if anyone reads this and experiences this and is willing to share or wanting to discuss this condition... I suffer from extensive memory loss due to CSA (childhood sexual abuse) related trauma - essentially my entire childhood memories and more extensively my memories of my older brother (9 years older) throughout my childhood as he was my primary abuser. I’m looking into hypnosis work but hoping to find anyone that has experience with hypnosis and/or DA/CSA for insight on the process... Figure since I love my NIN and NIN fam might as well reach out here in addition to other places...
Hairy Member
Though my past is very different from your very valid and important past, You just hit a nerve for me. This is something I connect with extremely. I had some severe emotional neglect as a kid. My parents would often not talk to me and if they ever did, it was about chores and homework. I forgot a huge chunk of time because that time was spent on You tube or watching movies where I saw other people's lives I envied, they sort of nursed the wounds of me feeling helpless and ignored. I forgot most of the things I watched exactly, and other activities I did around that time.
Long story short, I forgot the self helping part of myself whilst trying to forget the helplessness. Totally understand the pain of losing memory.
FOR RECOVERING MEMORY: Meditation (allowing unconscious (automatic) thought), and sensory associated memory triggers work for me. If you know a certain smell, song, clothing, food, sound effect (i.e. sounds only 80s-90s kids will remember) that will bring you back try that. Journaling helps get the unconscious flowing too. Go with what you're comfortable with, you'll probably become comfortable with remembering more and more but that's up to you. Best wishes!
A Decade In Oblivion
You know, it's been a long time since I last spoke about my mental problems. My issues, etc. I think the last I ever brought it up is when Chester passed away and a certain someone didn't seem to understand depression very well. So I opened up a little. It's a very weird knowing from my very first post here. I joined when I was 15 and my god, when you go back and looks at some of the first things I made, it really fucking shows. You guys literally saw me grow up and mature as the years went on. But, I digress. Over the years, my main struggles was not just with depression but, my Autism as well. My delays in social interactions has really bitten me in the ass on multiple occasions due to lack of self awareness. I have to be told as direct as possible because subtle hints fly over my head.
I have lost multiple people I used to call friends because of my lack of social skills because I accidently came off as clinging when in reality, I just enjoyed talking to people. A little too much. And given the fact I have a phobia of both failure and being left alone, the lost of a friend is something that really fucks with me.
But, around 2019, something really changed. I started developing paranoia, my intrusive thoughts I told about during the posts around Chester got worse, my psyche just dropped to a whole new level and, I was slowly losing my mind and I didn't know what was going on. I was stubborn about going to therapy because I didn't trust them. I couldn't trust anyone. But, last month, after having one to many mental breakdowns, I finally had enough and I checked myself in. And I got my answers from my first official meeting.
I have PTSD.
This also means I never had depression and I was just living with an unmanaged PTSD. To put a long story short on how I got it, My dad used to be a violent drunk that used to pick physical fights with other people, my mother and, at one point, me. The other was how bad school was that it left me with trauma
And suddenly, everything makes sense. My paranoia, my delusions and intrusive thoughts, my fear of people, my hypervigilance, the fact that I have gotten more irritable and agitated as the years on in spite of the fact that I was trying my best not too. I finally have an answer, some sort of closure. And now, I am doing my best to manage my PTSD since I know anti depressives cant always fix it though, it does help.
Now, I can focus on trying to be a better person now
Active Member
My girlfriend and I recently broke up after 15 years and I just moved to a new apartment last Thursday, first time ever living by myself. I've been consistently having panic attacks and have woken up and vomited every morning since I moved. This is fucking awful and feels like it will never reside.
Trollhunter
@Dryalex12 That really resonates with me. I go through a lot of the same in that I feel as if I unknowingly push people away by being so elated to connect with someone and it seems to annoy/frustrate the other person. I don’t really connect or relate to many people so when I do, I just get so excited about it.
Very glad to hear you got answers and can start working through it now.
Active Member
I'm sorry about your breakup. It must be very hard, 15 years is a long time. It'll get better with time.
Hairy Member
I feel this... Possibly a tad different as I left a domestically violent relationship, but when I left my ex we had been together 11 years and it was a drastic and chaotic period in time. I hope the discomfort eases and you can begin to breathe...
Hairy Member
I feel compelled to post in here because I feel safe here... This is associated with NIN which evokes feelings of safety and security in me... so yeah...
I don’t know if this is average or if it’s normal or whatever but I feel like it isn’t. I don’t feel okay. I’m a wreck inside. I feel like curling into a ball as if I’m a kid all over again and just sobbing. I’ve spent so many years compartmentalizing my abusive childhood and resulting trauma... And I just feel like I can’t anymore, I just can’t. It’s so heavy. I lay awake in the middle of the night, once my children and my partner are sound asleep and I die inside. My brother, who is 9 years my senior, is a fucking pedophile and he sexually abused me my entire childhood, resulting in severely extensive dissociative amnesia aka I don’t remember shit. I remember about 5 percent of anything before about age 15, which is coincidentally (or apparently not so coincidentally) when I left home and began couch surfing at friends’ houses. It feels like I don’t know who I am because it’s a black, empty void. The core foundation of who I started off as is lost. What I do remember is mostly horrific - a lot of me trying to hide, squishing into tiny spaces, a lot of holding my breath with my eyes closed... repeating weird phrases/made up mantras, which I learned was part of apparent dissociation I developed... I recently found out my Mother knew... SHE KNEW... I apparently asked her for help and told her at some point - she slipped and referenced her changing my furniture around after I told her to try and protect me.. I didn’t respond or acknowledge her statement because inside all I could think was that SHE KNEW... I can not believe she knew the entire time. She also outright says to me that my cousin chose to keep getting in the car - meaning my cousin, the same exact age as me, chose to be sexually abused as a child... What the actual... how can she even say these things?! How is this happening?! A 19 year old and a 10 year old... REALLY?! Seriously?!? How about a 16 year old and a 7 year old??? I just can’t... I can’t handle him or her... My cousin filed a police report but as it was so long ago we don’t know when/if he will be prosecuted...
I’m an recovering alcoholic/addict and all I want to do is throw everything away and kill it away... I’m not but the fact that those alarms are going off in my head are like a flashing warning sign that I’m in trouble and I don’t fee like I have anywhere or anyone to turn to that truly relates, which is what my inner
child is desperately craving.. Someone who understands how it is and how it feels, who relates without me even needing to speak a word. I don’t know I’ll ever find anyone honestly. It’s hard because I feel like I’m two separate people - the me I do my best to embody for my partner and my kids, the me that I feel is the healed and authentic me I was before I found out about my cousin, before I realized and accepted that it wasn’t in my head and that the blank memories are very real lapses with potentially damaging memories that my mind has completely blocked off to protect itself... Now I’m desperately trying to hold onto a shred of who I was before it’s completely gone. I haven’t felt this fucked up in so very many years... since I was a kid struggling to process growing up in a house filled with abuse (my Father was a violent alcoholic).
I’ll be okay. I just need to breathe. And just exist. Some days I just need to survive and that’s enough... I just need to breathe...
I appreciate having somewhere safe to let it all out. I hope it’s alright to just vent in here like this. I’m sorry if it’s not.
Active Member
It appears Naomi Judd committed suicide.
![[parasite]'s Avatar](/community/vessel/squares/avatar2902_8.gif){kind=avatar}
i used to be someone else
oh wow!It appears Naomi Judd committed suicide.
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tempus est umbra in mente
anyone else have any experience with Welbutrin?
Bite me
I was on it for a relatively short time and went off of it because it was making me ANGRY!!!!!
It was a plus for my tinnitus because it’s not an SSRI.
But it was intolerable as far as agitation.
Bite me
Ashley Judd says her mom shot herself. Ashley found her.It appears Naomi Judd committed suicide.
Predictable as fallout.
I'm only a couple of months in to supplementing it to escitalopram, and haven't really noticed anything yet of the famed buproprion rage, but then I'm a pretty passive (well, depressed) person in general. Slightly fewer pits of despair, though!
Last edited by Endlessly; 05-18-2022 at 06:36 PM.
Trollhunter
I took it for years and it really helped my depression but unfortunately heightened my anxiety. A good side effect was my sex drive was greatly improved.
Then I got switched to a generic and it stopped helping. My insurance wouldn’t cover the brand so I quit taking it.
I didn’t taper off either so don’t make that same error.
tempus est umbra in mente
huh... I feel like this is why I stopped taking it before; it seemed like it was working, my mood was improved and my head felt clearer, and then one day I woke up and I was pissed about everything. I only remember it happening once, and I'm not sure if there might have been a conflict w/ alcohol or anything back then (this was a long time ago). Either way, this seemed to happen alongside its efficacy wearing off, and then when my doctor suggested upping the dosage I opted instead to just taper off.
Today is the first day where I'm actually feeling something of an effect from it, and I'm hoping it works out. I've been having insane anxiety lately, but so far I haven't had any attacks since I started taking this (one week in).
Bite me
My FAMILY was, like, JESUS you gotta stop taking that shit. While on it, I guess I wasn’t “as” depressed but I had ZERO tolerance. For anything. Like SNAP!!!
I guess your doc can give you stuff for anxiety if that happens, though.
It comes with scary warnings from the FDA:
https://psychcentral.com/drugs/wellbutrin-side-effects
Last edited by allegro; 05-19-2022 at 12:30 AM.
Trollhunter
Yeah, I think I got left with permanent effects.
tempus est umbra in mente
Could you elaborate (here or via dm)?
Active Member
You know what, long rant deleted. I'm just going to do the short version: I'm real tired boss. I don't know how much longer I can be this tired without a rest.
tempus est umbra in mente
well, I dunno about the Wellbutrin "rage" really, but yesterday I did feel like I had a really short fuse. I was constantly catching myself almost snapping at people. So I don't know about rage, but I definitely was inordinately irritated for pretty much the whole day. Today I feel fine. Hopefully it's just a "settling in" kind of hurdle
Active Member
I'm doing a physical therapy boot camp. Part of it is weekly meetings with a psychologist. Probably not a bad thing. When I first got diagnosed with RA I went to one for awhile. I do think about ending the torture every day at some point. A long time ago I promised myself I would end things if it got to the point where all I know is hurt & pain. I'm way past that point but keep fighting & struggling. The big question is why. If anyone reads this, I'm not in imminent danger of offing myself. I have the means easily available but haven't been tempted. I have pretty good self control. I recently went through a big opiate withdrawal & haven't been tempted to take those pills again. Of course I'm on something else but it works a little better. I just keep having this vision/dream of being 1 of those people who is dead a week before anyone figures it out. I guess things better in some ways than a year ago. At this time last year I was in the hospital for 5 days with a freak heart attack. Strangely, they still haven't figured out the cause of that exactly. Another sword of Damocles dangling over my head. Sorry I spouted off. Just in a strange head space the past few weeks. Stranger than usual at least.
Active Member
@chuckrh hugs!
i used to be someone else
this issue contains a trigger warning
Spoiler: does anyone have any helpful distractions for self harm, in particular cutting
thank you
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Bite me
No, hon, I wish I did. I'd say you're doing it right now? By reading forums and getting your mind to focus on something or anything else?
And asking for help is good, too. But I do think you should get help from a qualified person? Are you seeing anyone for this?
i used to be someone else
yeah i see a specialist, i’ve done it for quite a few years now, yeah they no, but there’s not much they can do
thank you
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Active Member
I just realized that I am no longer looking forward to anything. Like, there’s a NIN concert this fall that I have tickets to. My first NIN show even. And I’m not sitting here looking at the set lists and thinking “oh man this is going to be awesome”. Like not even a little bit. I basically know why but I don’t have a clue how to fix it. The only way I know is a nuclear option so I’m obviously trying to come up with something but right now it’s a Cold War in my house and none of the sides want to sit and talk at a table.
I’m supposed to be going on a bike / camping trip with my son next week but I totally forgot about it until today when he said, loudly and frequently upon being reminded of said trip, that he’d rather do anything else. Cool. Cool cool cool. I guess I can start charging him rent now since he’s no longer part of the family?
I spend 90% of my time sitting and being depressed by looking out into the middle distance now. I see a counselor and I guess it might help eventually but for now I’m just done with everything. He told me last week “find something that makes you happy” and I can’t fucking find anything right now.
Calling it “Depressed” is putting a flower on a pile of shit. I don’t want to be here anymore.
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