I agree, I have had those same intrusive thoughts in my life when I’ve been totally overwhelmed and hopeless, and when there seemed like no escape. It comes from stress, from anxiety, but it especially comes from the feeling of no end in sight.
If our personalities are such that we don’t thrive in chaos, that we need order and some semblance of a “plan” and organization in our daily lives, and none of that is possible because other factors limit our control over our own lives, every day feels like swimming against the tide; it’s exhausting. And the intrusive thoughts are mostly there from exhaustion and lack of a rudder in our ship.
Meditation can REALLY help during these times, if you don’t have an aversion to it. Pick a spot, use headphones if you must, sit in a relaxed position, and I highly recommend guided meditation audio to guide you until you learn how to do it on your own. I put a sign on the spare bedroom door, “MEDITATING,” so there is quiet. Even for 10 minutes. Just 10 minutes a day works wonders.
Also, @
eversonpoe, is it possible for you to do your Starbucks job part time again? Nobody in Illinois is doing dine-in, maybe you could do the drive-through, and utilize all the safety precautions. You’re in a pretty low-risk category, and getting out of the house may do you some good.