The Mental Health thread - depression, bipolar, ADHD, you name it

[Jinsai]

In addition to traditional psych practitioners, also consider other options. A friend you have not seen in a very long time (who owes you a favor perhaps). Family including distant family who you don't really know. Pastor or other religious leader, even if you don't "belong" to that particular brand of religion.

I think socializing is something I need to do... This quarantine hasn't helped make anything better, but I'm really hoping there's a magic pill that kills these panic/anxiety attacks. So far, the only thing I've found that works is edibles/THC/CBD. Even then, it's an hour of hell before it kicks in and subsides, and that's really expensive.

[ton]

@Jinsai I won't pretend to know what you're experiencing or going through because that would just invalidate your pain. I do feel for you and am concerned. Whatever happens, please don't hurt yourself. I say that out of love. It's up to you whether or not you want to get some help - I mean it can be patronizing for others like me to give advice on how to make your life better. I'm not in your shoes. I just hope there is answer or solution you can find. I'll be here listening to your talks like many other members are.

[Jinsai]

I appreciate it... I'm not going to hurt myself or do anything like that... I guess I might just check myself into a hospital if I can't find some other cure. It's not consistent enough to warrant it though. Right now, I'm doing ok. I'm shaken up, but I'm fine. Maybe I'll be fine for a couple days, maybe a week, maybe a few hours, I don't know. I know eventually it'll happen again though and, I dunno... I need to see a doctor anyway. It's been a while.

[MrLobster]

Maybe this will also help a bit...

A few times in my life I've felt in free fall and everything was was in flux. I needed to rebuild my life again. So I kept things very simple and dug deep to figure out the priorities and rebuild a stable foundation with those in mind. Medication did help with that to a degree but the psychological aspects of me were actually pretty good. The things I could not change I have resolved to the best of my ability (the situational or environmental aspects) and they don't weigh me down any more (it wouldn't be for another like, seven years to figure out the actual cause my depressions, acute chronic pain that just sapped the dopamine from my day to day life... and when it got waaay too low, then I would cyclically take the meds until I felt "better" and then I'd stop taking them and the pain wouldn't be masked any more and thus starting the path again).

Therapy is good if you can connect with a therapist... or one that actually holds you accountable for your actions (including inactions). Until the past traumas have been resolved, not much can change for the future. Some traumas take time... take a lot of time (sometimes even the amount of time from trauma incident to realization/acknowledgement of trauma).

Of course, some individuals also kept caught in trauma loops (parents of missing or murdered children) and their quest for resolution needs professional guidance out of it.

I'm not saying forgive and forget when I say resolve, I just mean coming to a resolution that makes sense to you without negatively impacting day to day life.

[Jinsai]

woke up with another anxiety/panic/whatever-this-is... looking at some of my posts in here, and I'm all over the place. I really do think I need to talk to someone, and it can't be a friend or family or whatever. For an informed but objective/distanced opinion and perspective at least.

[Leviathant]

woke up with another anxiety/panic/whatever-this-is... looking at some of my posts in here, and I'm all over the place. I really do think I need to talk to someone, and it can't be a friend or family or whatever. For an informed but objective/distanced opinion and perspective at least.

Rather than approaching a health care provider and finding out they're not covered by your insurance, have you approached your insurance and asked them for a list of providers? When I went to therapy, that was the approach I took. At the time, I called some number associated with my insurance, dialed through a few menus, and eventually chatted with someone who pointed me to their website, where I was able to create an account and filter through a list of providers.

Thanks for keeping us posted. You're going to get through this - it's going to suck, no two ways about that, but you'll get through.

[tap3worm]

My sleeping pattern hasn't been ordinary for as long as I can remember, and for just as long I've been trapped behind frosted glass, sleep being an even deeper layer of disconnection means that I loathe it. Lately I've been wrought with awful nightmares that sometimes have me waking up gasping for air, as though I hadn't been breathing for the past five minutes. I feel some of this pain you describe, Jinsai.

[Pillfred]

Not sure this may even be an option now but I went to the local universities family counseling center when I was in a spot some years back. Kid I talked to was a grad student but seemed decent enough and they had other staff onsite as well. They worked on a sliding pay scale as well, cost me like $15 a session. As mentioned it was helpful to get different perspective on things. At the time I also wrote out a lot of the thoughts and feelings I was having on my laptop of which I would read and then delete it just to sort purge my brain a bit.

[eversonpoe]

Today is going to eat me alive. (Anxiety, mostly) All in my head and trying to remove the teeth from the beast. Some of this stuff is so old and logically irrelevant but telling feelings and instincts they don't stand up to reason is a pointless exercise. God help me.

@eversonpoe Thank you for the hug. I've been trying to get it out into a journal. Some are straight forward, some just horrible messes. Not at lot else I can do atm.
Please feel free to use the sentence if you find something in it. I would be honoured.

ended up using "today is going to eat me alive. all in my head and trying to remove the teeth from the beast." as the first lines of a song for my upcoming album! how would you like to be credited? and thanks again for the permission <3 <3 <3

[Sarah_Munn]

@eversonpoe Well, I can honestly say that I never expected my twitchy ravings to end up in someones song, really amazing. Can't wait to hear it. Credit it as you choose, if at all, that's my real name and it was my pleasure. <3 xxx

[ton]

I'm scared to disclose some sexual abuse/assault history from a relative with my therapist. I believe my mom will find out, not believe me, and this will cause alienation from my family and other relatives. This has affected me however for most of my life and is the reason why I have never had a girlfriend, have abandonment issues, and am scared of sex and intimacy with women. I can talk about it here because no one knows me but I'm just imagining the backlash and my life falling apart if I ever tell this secret to anyone in real life. I will probably delete this later since I believe somehow I'll be punished later in life. I'm ashamed to even have it on my mind or think I'm effected, if that makes any sense. I don't want to believe it's a central part of my past. I've already forgiven the person and moved on but it's still traumatic.

[allegro]

Yeah, it’s against the rule of ethics everywhere for a therapist to discuss anything with ANYONE. It’s Federal law as well as state law. There are exceptions, of course: like, if you are threatening to murder someone, or you’re going to kill yourself, or you’re threatening a terrorist attack, etc.

But deep secrets are like this; the fear of what they will “do” is what keeps them secrets. But, it’s important to know that you were a victim in this situation. Keeping this secret just continues to hurt you, and your life. There is nothing YOU did “wrong.“ Talking to your therapist will confirm this. You appear to have shame that you should not have. It’s heartbreaking. I believe you, and I wish you well.

[ton]

Yeah, it’s against the rule of ethics everywhere for a therapist to discuss anything with ANYONE. It’s Federal law as well as state law. There are exceptions, of course: like, if you are threatening to murder someone, or you’re going to kill yourself, or you’re threatening a terrorist attack, etc.

But deep secrets are like this; the fear of what they will “do” is what keeps them secrets. But, it’s important to know that you were a victim in this situation. Keeping this secret just continues to hurt you, and your life. There is nothing YOU did “wrong.“ Talking to your therapist will confirm this. You appear to have shame that you should not have. It’s heartbreaking. I believe you, and I wish you well.

Thank you for believing me - that's what I wish everyone would do for me. I don't know why I have shame. I guess I thought I should've stopped it or cut off contact somehow with the relative that did it. It happened between being around 8 years old up until I was 14, and it was from a female. As a child, a girl doing it doesn't seem wrong in any way. At the time it was happening, I felt confused and paralyzed anytime I was being touched or having any sexual contact.

I remember telling a cousin about her and they just got angry with me and stopped talking to me. I don't think anyone would ever believe me. The rest of my family is close to this relative and everyone likes her so much, which makes it harder. I don't want more people to abandon me or cut me off. I would rather just protect what I have, as sick as it sounds. It's caused a lot of depression and some suicidal thinking in the last 2 years.

I'll probably stop it at here so I don't overwhelm you all with such heavy things. I don't want people to feel like they have to take care of me and do that work. I'm glad for the support so far though. I feel safe on here at least.

When I was a kid, I went through some stuff and, even at forty, it amazes me now and again when I realize something I thought I was over is, in fact, still an issue in some insidious way. I've been lucky and have been able to grow around a lot of my issues—I've had relationships, I'm married, I can have friends. But I'd be lying if I said that some things aren't still a bit tricky. It's a day-to-day thing; sometimes I don't think of it, sometimes maybe my chemicals prime me for a little less resilience. And when I was younger, hoo-eee, did it fuck up almost every attempt at intimacy, platonic and not. So, even if I'm feeling strong today, I know in part my past has been shaped by what I went through. I'd have to be literally brain damaged to never think of it. Even if I didn't want to grant it the privilege of being a "central" part of my past, it's most certainly a part. It is significant. It would be unwise of me to not at least periodically remember, if not also examine it.

But the more concerning issue, maybe, is that you think your therapist would tell your mother. That's not okay. I'm not a lawyer and I don't know Illinois law, but I think the general rule of thumb is that, unless the abuse is ongoing and you're a minor, confidentiality applies. And if you think your therapist would breach that, I would implore you to start the search for one you can trust. Even if you have a great relationship with this therapist, I don't know how much long-term utility there is in having a doctor you can trust with almost anything—especially when the exception is something that by its nature cannot be insignificant.

Thank you for the thoughtful response and for sharing your own past with me. I feel more at ease with discussing my past on this forum at least since I haven't been attacked or shamed for my story. I'm moved by your ability to continue a normal life and move on from the dark experiences you had as a child. I understand that most people have a past and some days are more difficult when it comes to things resurfacing in subtle ways. You're right about sexual abuse being a traumatic and life-altering part of anyone's life. I'm not sure why I have so much denial about it. Probably because ever since then, all I wanted was a normal mind and life like everyone else. I resent that I have something wrong with me psychologically or don't have a normal family. But it does more harm to suppress these things or pretend they aren't there.

i do trust my lawyer but I am just paranoid. She has told me herself that she can't disclose anything and explained all the agreements in our first meeting last year. My main worry is my mom prying into everything since she keeps trying to find out information about my sessions and meetings with my psychiatrist. I understand her concern but I'm an adult and think am obliged to some privacy.

Sorry for my disconnected thoughts. I have some anxiety still.

[eversonpoe]

content warning for sexual assault. putting it under a spoiler tag for people who don't want to read it.

Spoiler: @ton my experience wasn't identical in any way, but i was raped by a girl when i was 15. i froze. i blacked out partially. my brain erased it for a while. when i finally remembered, and i tried to tell people, nearly everyone had the same response: a girl can't rape a boy. everyone had me convinced it didn't happen. until the day in 2010, 8 years later, that i saw my rapist on the train, and she looked at me like i was a ghost. i found her on facebook and reached out because i wanted to know why she did it. and she not only apologized (which i sort of accepted, i guess), but confirmed that it most definitely did happen.

there's still a voice of doubt in my head that tries to convince me it didn't happen. tries to tell me i'm a liar, that i made it up for attention. but why on earth would i want all the negative attention of people making me feel like it was impossible, and that i should have enjoyed it?

you should 100% tell your therapist. as allegro said, they are not legally allowed to disclose anything you tell them in a session to anyone. your mom will not find out. and you will be able to start to heal. much love to you. <3

oh, and i should also not that this is definitely something that impacted me coming out as trans. it was very, very confusing to think about my gender in relation to what happened.

[ThinkIcouldburn]

My issues seem so much smaller than what you all seem to have been through, but I just need to ask. I've always had significant social anxiety and depression, but I've always felt okay and able to handle it. A few days ago I had a relationship and friendship fall apart on me and it's hitting me really hard. I've thought before about reaching out to a local psychiatrist or whomever to just get something that can take the edge off a bit when it's really bad. Well right now it's really bad. I signed on to my healthcare provider's website and searched for a doctor and was provided zero results. No psychologists, no psychiatrists, no results at all. (Besides for realizing how absolutely terrible that is on them, because I'm sure there are people in much worse situations who have gotten the same message and, my god, it's such a slap in the face when you take that step for help.) Where do I start here? I don't want to go into a hospital. I'm not a danger to myself, but I'd really like to be able to sleep and for the chest pains I've been feeling to stop for at least a little while. Thank you for any advice.

[allegro]

My issues seem so much smaller than what you all seem to have been through, but I just need to ask. I've always had significant social anxiety and depression, but I've always felt okay and able to handle it. A few days ago I had a relationship and friendship fall apart on me and it's hitting me really hard. I've thought before about reaching out to a local psychiatrist or whomever to just get something that can take the edge off a bit when it's really bad. Well right now it's really bad. I signed on to my healthcare provider's website and searched for a doctor and was provided zero results. No psychologists, no psychiatrists, no results at all. (Besides for realizing how absolutely terrible that is on them, because I'm sure there are people in much worse situations who have gotten the same message and, my god, it's such a slap in the face when you take that step for help.) Where do I start here? I don't want to go into a hospital. I'm not a danger to myself, but I'd really like to be able to sleep and for the chest pains I've been feeling to stop for at least a little while. Thank you for any advice.

Go to your primary physician; an Internist or even someone who specializes in Family Medicine (but an Internist is probably your best best). These physicians have been tasked with dispensing these drugs, although most don't prescribe "as needed" anxiety drugs, anymore; they mostly provide full-time anxiety drugs, due to medicine's aversion to benzos due to addiction issues. Escitalopram for anxiety seems to be the drug of choice, now. It's covered by most insurance policies and evidently has the fewest side effects. Primary physicians can also provide you with something like Trazadone for sleep.

[ThinkIcouldburn]

Go to your primary physician; an Internist or even someone who specializes in Family Medicine.....

Thank you. That's a place to start.

[binaryhermit]

I know this may seem petty compared to some of the things in this thread, but I *really* don't mentally feel up to working today

[Space Suicide]

It's nerve wracking how much of my father's mental illness affects my own life. It's so draining and oppressive it feels like it's my own mental disorder.

I fucking hate paranoid schizophrenia. It's nearly impossible to deal with too. You can't agree to reinforce the fantasy reality he has but arguing against it to ground him makes him outwardly hostile and angry to me.

After a solid 15+ years of dealing with it as increased volumes, I don't know how much more I can deal with it.

Now I'm done with my obligatory every 6 month rant.

[Jinsai]

OK, I thought this would just go away (like it does) and now I just have to post on here.... because I'm screaming inside and there's nothing I can do, and it feels like I'm falling on a roller coaster and it just won't stop, and I'm about to scream my fucking head off. It won't stop and it's torture

[eversonpoe]

OK, I thought this would just go away (like it does) and now I just have to post on here.... because I'm screaming inside and there's nothing I can do, and it feels like I'm falling on a roller coaster and it just won't stop, and I'm about to scream my fucking head off. It won't stop and it's torture

really wish i could come give you a hug, dude. i'm so sorry.

•••

i'm feeling myself slipping into a bad place. i have a telehealth appointment with my general physician on monday to try to figure out why i've been feeling so shitty in general for a bit (i mean i'm pretty sure that it's because i'm not doing much of anything so i'm not sleeping well) but i guess i should make an appointment with my therapist as it's been a few weeks. the state of the world is certainly not helping anything going on inside my head.

[binaryhermit]

Welp, I'm not sure if this belongs in the work thread, covid coping thread, or here, but after this week I'm taking time off to go try to get inpatient psychiatric treatment. Not sure if that's possible, but if it's not, I'm hoping they can do something.

I've been off my meds for over a year, and while working the holiday season in a grocery store was rough, working in a grocery store during COVID literally almost killed me. Within like 3 days of realizing the shit was hitting the fan in mid-March.

EDIT: I had been hoping I could take a week or so off every few months and deal with it post-covid, but given my mental state within 5 days of taking what ended up being 10 days off, that's clearly not gonna happen.

[eversonpoe]

Welp, I'm not sure if this belongs in the work thread, covid coping thread, or here, but after this week I'm taking time off to go try to get inpatient psychiatric treatment. Not sure if that's possible, but if it's not, I'm hoping they can do something.

I've been off my meds for over a year, and while working the holiday season in a grocery store was rough, working in a grocery store during COVID literally almost killed me. Within like 3 days of realizing the shit was hitting the fan in mid-March.

EDIT: I had been hoping I could take a week or so off every few months and deal with it post-covid, but given my mental state within 5 days of taking what ended up being 10 days off, that's clearly not gonna happen.

if you haven't found a program yet, Compass Health Center really helped me. they have a couple locations around but i went to the one near addison/western. it was IOP, not inpatient, but still, being there half the day every day really made a difference.

good luck. hope things get better.

[binaryhermit]

Eh, I'm carless and far enough from the city where getting to/from the city every day would be a huge PITA.

Think "near Joliet".

[Jinsai]

so... I'm looking into remote online therapist stuff, does anyone know about any of the orgs on this page?

https://www.verywellmind.com/best-on...herapy-4691206

[Erneuert]

[poinoup]

I've been on the good side of my bipolar from the beginning of July and continuing until now. My doctor seems to have finally found the proper mix of medication, even if I'm taking one gram of Divalproex nightly. It still seems like so much of one pill. Without being too prying, is anyone else taking something at such a high dose?

[eversonpoe]

I've been on the good side of my bipolar from the beginning of July and continuing until now. My doctor seems to have finally found the proper mix of medication, even if I'm taking one gram of Divalproex nightly. It still seems like so much of one pill. Without being too prying, is anyone else taking something at such a high dose?

that is a VERY high dose. i'm on 150mg of lamictal daily (was originally prescribed for bipolar 2, my diagnosis was changed a few months ago to borderline, possibly combined with bipolar 2). my best friend has bipolar 2 and is on lamictal, as well, and at one point was up to like 500mg/day i think. but 1g? holy shit. glad it seems to be helping you, though.

[poinoup]

Yeah, it's a lot. I take them before bed, with a few others, so that must help out.

[zero]

I have never claimed to be a well balanced person. My life seems to cycle from heartbreak and trauma to what some might call mindless euphoria. Always figured that was normal so never really worried about it. Yin and Yang, etc.

But this year has been different. I understand that I am not the only person feeling extra stress this year, obviously. The difference is that there has not been enough opportunity to cycle into the positive head space for long enough to balance things out. And I am feeling very very worn out. Sure, I can still put on a happy face and pretend everything is fine. But inside I am just torn apart.

My father is in his 90's and he lives over 600 miles away. He is dying from heart failure and there is no practical and safe way I can visit him anytime soon. Yes, he has lived a long and very rewarding life. But somehow that does not make things easier to accept.

When I spoke with him a few days ago, it was abundantly clear that he is ready and perhaps eager to move on. It was also clear that he really wants to see me in person before that time comes. And I want that also. But it's just not realistic.

So I am quite sad, and very angry, although there is really no one to be angry at. It's a pandemic. Many have suffered much more pain than I am going through. But knowing that does not lessen the hurt I feel right now.