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Thread: The Mental Health thread - depression, bipolar, ADHD, you name it

  1. #871
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    Quote Originally Posted by elevenism View Post
    Shit @InsecureSpike . Hang in there.

    And yeah, all kinds of hallucinations can be fucking horrifying.
    I have terrifying OLFACTORY hallucinations related to seizures :/
    oh wow! that's gotta be horrible!


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  2. #872
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    @reasons and probably a lot of other folks: this is probably worth a read https://www.theatlantic.com/health/a...of-ocd/281260/ content warning for description of sexual/violent intrusive thoughts. The kind of thing the article outlines is normal, standard OCD stuff. I know more people with OCD who have struggled with this at least to some degree than who haven't.

  3. #873
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    Thanks for that article, it helps put some things in perspective. After my son was born I actually went to a therapist because of intrusive thoughts because they were ramping up in both intrusiveness and frequency.

    This part, basically:
    Penzel explained his own litmus test for distinguishing between OCD and actual, dangerous impulses: "If you listen carefully, patients will agonize constantly over their obsessions, asking, 'Why am I having these thoughts; how do I know that I wouldn't do this; why would I be thinking it if I didn’t want to do it?'"
    "Most violent and dangerous people don’t sit there having these inner dialogues," he added.
    I knew I would never do these things but the people I shared the thoughts with only heard the action, not the 'I don't want to do this' part. Even the counselor thought that. I eventually found one that was more about treating me instead of the thoughts and that helped bring them down but it freaked my wife out a bit because I had to share some with her as part of it.

  4. #874
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    This is why I won't see a therapist anymore unless they have legitimate OCD familiarity, so typically I'm only open to seeing psychologists with CBT foundations, which can be hard when I just want to see someone to talk about life stuff since my OCD is pretty well managed at this point. But like, if people don't have familiarity it can be so bad. Have had some issues in the past with a therapist, learned from it.

    I generally won't talk about my intrusive thoughts, partially because it doesn't help, partially because of contamination ocd that makes me feel like discussing them "taints" shit around me, partially because of disgust and shame, and definitely partially because I find the idea of people thinking I *want* to do any of that shit to be horrifying and a totally not-okay and really problematic response for me to get from someone.

  5. #875
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    OK quick update,
    upped abilify to 15mg, and 2nd assessment, the Dr says I'm having periods of derealisation visual & derealisation auditory, but separately. and sometimes loss of time
    now this is as odd as I ever have been, not knowing if I can trust any slightly different noise I hear, the visual part not that much of a big deal, as it's just color change I see, but the time slips are worrying I kinda lost an hour Saturday night at work,

    on the upside I've been listening to quite a few albums that I wouldn't normally, just to keep me entertained lol and drown out any unwanted sounds


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  6. #876
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    So....i really want to share something very dear to my heart.

    I wrote this song last week...and its probably the most personal song i have ever written and probably ever will.

    In 2015, i attempted suicide for the 5th time in my life and it was my 5th in the span of 3 years. I was a fucking mess. But this one was the worst because I had written out a suicide note for this one, so this one was dangerously close. I was going to slip my self to death. I had the knife up to my throat....i was ready to do it.

    ....and im still here, i never did do it. I just couldnt, and i finally realized that something was wrong with me, and i later found out that my body had gotten used to my antidepressives, so they stopped working. I stopped my old ones and got on new ones and ive been better since.

    but the lyrics to this song from the starting lines until the part where i change my mind about wanting to die are actually from my note, I dont have it with me but i still remember every word...so i literally had to rewrite my suicide note....which was real fucking fun to do.

    I havent sung the vocals yet, its still...to hard for me to think about, but i di record the music and i will post the rough draft lyrics below

    https://adecadeinoblivion.bandcamp.c...trumental-demo

    "Please forgive me for what i am about to do
    I did this for youI gave my life up
    I gave my life to stop the numb
    I gave my life now
    I just cant seem ever stop all the thoughts of hurting you
    I failed at life to sing the song, of a life i once knew
    I fell so hard for looking up
    Head was stuck in the clouds
    Stare at the sun for a good whil
    enot a single ray of light
    .That can be ever traced to me
    In a decade of miles
    So please
    Let me bleed
    The rest of what i once thought to be me
    So when you find me
    Once full of life now full of blight
    ......No
    This is not how it will end
    .I wont end like this
    Kill pain with agony
    just wont do anything for me
    Ill take it head on
    A risk i know is hell to take
    but ill do it for you
    I kept my life to show you mine
    in a world so cold
    I kept on going so i could find, someone else like you
    and tell them i'll be there for you
    So please
    Show me where it hurts the most
    Im not what most will ever get a chance to see
    I dont know you
    And i dont care
    But i know i do
    and that's why im here"
    Last edited by Dryalex12; 08-20-2018 at 01:59 PM.

  7. #877
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    I'm fading.

  8. #878
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    Positive thoughts via song lyrics.

  9. #879
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    Quote Originally Posted by elevenism View Post
    I'm fading.
    <3

  10. #880
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    BBC Horizon documentary, "Stopping Male Suicide":

    https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p06hqvrw

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  12. #882
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    Quote Originally Posted by allegate View Post
    pearls before swine has been my favorite comic strip for years, particularly when stephen pastis puts himself in there just to have rat insult him.

  13. #883
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    I was diagnosed with ptsd last spring and still have difficulty managing it every day. The worst part is the panic attacks that cause stomach cramps and dizziness, it interferes with too much of my life. I often have to stop what I'm doing every 20-30 minutes to relax or use the bathroom. Sometimes I lay down for an hour until it goes away.

    I looked up often how to get rid of panic attacks or control them. Also looked up what people did to manage ptsd. Some of it has helped but I lose in the fight for control most of the time.

    If anyone has this problem or knows someone who does, I'm wondering what works for you guys

  14. #884
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    Quote Originally Posted by ton View Post
    I was diagnosed with ptsd last spring and still have difficulty managing it every day. The worst part is the panic attacks that cause stomach cramps and dizziness, it interferes with too much of my life. I often have to stop what I'm doing every 20-30 minutes to relax or use the bathroom. Sometimes I lay down for an hour until it goes away.

    I looked up often how to get rid of panic attacks or control them. Also looked up what people did to manage ptsd. Some of it has helped but I lose in the fight for control most of the time.

    If anyone has this problem or knows someone who does, I'm wondering what works for you guys
    music, being around people who understand and can have patience, finding something to focus on that is stimulating (i.e. playing an engaging video game that isn't too stressful)...it's really situational, though. sometimes i just need to wait out the panic attack because nothing helps. i know that's not helpful other than that i'm saying solidarity, my friend.

  15. #885
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    Quote Originally Posted by eversonpoe View Post
    music, being around people who understand and can have patience, finding something to focus on that is stimulating (i.e. playing an engaging video game that isn't too stressful)...it's really situational, though. sometimes i just need to wait out the panic attack because nothing helps. i know that's not helpful other than that i'm saying solidarity, my friend.
    I understand and I'm sorry you go through a similar thing. It's not easy at all. Yeah, I do tend to just wait it out.. sometimes when I engage in an activity to distract myself, it makes me panic even more (as you said). I never had this problem before until like 4-5 years ago. It seems my past life was like another world. Idk, I'm rambling now.

    I am getting help from my psychiatrist and a special nurse. Sometimes the medicine helps but I may have to go under certain types of therapy to get better.

  16. #886
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    Shit is fucking hard sometimes.

  17. #887
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    I know I don't always say the right things, or make mistakes or even blunders when my emotions are wrecked or when I simply have no idea what I'm doing out of sheer ignorance, but this thread certainly reminds me that like words, emotions and thoughts also hold so much power, and to not take that for granted because you never know just how much of an impact you might also be to others, aside from yourself. (Oh, and sometimes I can't believe that things I tell myself, but I still can't seem to shake feeling like I don't matter or that everybody would actually be better off without me or just fine to say the least. Perhaps I still want to find some type of ultimate purpose out there, whatever that might be.)

    I'm also still trying to survive as well, but also hope to live too, and have appreciated the advice and suggestions this thread had to offer so far. What I've also still taken from this topic altogether is that kindness not only goes a long way, but no act of kindness, no matter how small is ever wasted, especially in regards to empathy and compassion.
    Last edited by Halo Infinity; 09-15-2018 at 07:43 PM.

  18. #888
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    Quote Originally Posted by playwithfire View Post
    @reasons and probably a lot of other folks: this is probably worth a read https://www.theatlantic.com/health/a...of-ocd/281260/ content warning for description of sexual/violent intrusive thoughts. The kind of thing the article outlines is normal, standard OCD stuff. I know more people with OCD who have struggled with this at least to some degree than who haven't.
    Thanks, this article is good in that it goes to show just how intimidating it can be when it comes to opening up and seeking help. In Canada they always spend an entire week focusing on mental health "Mental Illness Awareness Week", helping those who need help, setting up a phone line, and collecting donations... but I always feel left behind and not-helped once the party is over. I don't think "they" truly understand how difficult it is to take that first step. Texting #Help to 545-3333 isn't a solution, but it's a start. Also mental health is more than just suicide and being bi-polar.

    The story above about the high school exposing the authors publication as a teen and then suspending her is very sad.

    I think more needs to be done to help teens in high school talk with a counselor and feel 100% comfortable and private; no matter what. I came within inches of opening up when I was young, the counselor just had to re-re-reassure me the discussion was between us only no matter what. I was scared to death my mother and father would find out how "sick" I was.

    I think if we can get help earlier on it may help with dealing with issues early on, and setting up a plan for a life time of proper support if needed.

    In my high school the counselors office and doorway was IN THE CAFETERIA!!! No one dared being caught or seen going in there, way too embarrassing.

  19. #889
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    People-pleasing has still been a problem of mine because it's come to the point where I do it without even realizing it. I think that's also why I kept basing my happiness and value as a person on the things I can do for others, the things I can give to others and the amount of people that like me and agree with me. This is also connected to seeking a lot of external validation, especially in terms of accomplishments and accolades, yet even such claims to greatness can still very well be vanity.

    This is just one of the many issues I felt like sharing here, even though I try as much as possible to keep it to myself these days, since I often feel like I'm either a burden or that nobody really cares anyway as well as being constantly reminded that I shouldn't overshare, since that also leads to nosiness and potential cans of worms being opened. This has also sometimes lead me to isolate myself, because sometimes I wonder what the actual point of my presence/existence around others is anyway, especially if I have absolutely nothing important or worthwhile to offer.

    It's also why it was even easier to talk when other people give me a reason to talk as well. Otherwise, I just keep to myself or leave altogether.

    -I also wanted to include this point, but I also didn't want to bump the thread just yet.-

    This definitely isn't anything new, and I was always my own worst critic and enemy, but it still hits as hard as ever. What I'm referring to is my mind and heart at night. It tells me all sorts of horrible things, whether real or imagined. It even gets hard to tell the difference. It's one thing if I'm already asleep or if I'm also occupied at night, but this is why my thoughts and emotions eat me up when I just can't sleep and have nothing else to do. It's definitely a lethal/volatile combination of scary and depressing.

    It also doesn't help that I sometimes have this awful tendency of incessantly wondering and worry if I'm often offensive, annoying and boring to other people.
    Last edited by Halo Infinity; 09-23-2018 at 03:54 PM. Reason: I didn't want to bump the thread so soon.

  20. #890
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    Quote Originally Posted by Halo Infinity View Post
    People-pleasing has still been a problem of mine because it's come to the point where I do it without even realizing it. I think that's also why I kept basing my happiness and value as a person on the things I can do for others, the things I can give to others and the amount of people that like me and agree with me. This is also connected to seeking a lot of external validation, especially in terms of accomplishments and accolades, yet even such claims to greatness can still very well be vanity.

    This is just one of the many issues I felt like sharing here, even though I try as much as possible to keep it to myself these days, since I often feel like I'm either a burden or that nobody really cares anyway as well as being constantly reminded that I shouldn't overshare, since that also leads to nosiness and potential cans of worms being opened. This has also sometimes lead me to isolate myself, because sometimes I wonder what the actual point of my presence/existence around others is anyway, especially if I have absolutely nothing important or worthwhile to offer.

    It's also why it was even easier to talk when other people give me a reason to talk as well. Otherwise, I just keep to myself or leave altogether.
    sometimes when you write stuff i feel like you're my doppelganger

  21. #891
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    trying to kick recurring patterns of depression when it kicks in,i tend to isolate behaviors of self destruction, like drinking, and the like, general not caring about anything. might be time for a news fast. think I'll roll a few joints see if that helps, find it less destructive than alcohol. hate when you see things clearly. know what's going on and helpless to effect it. well Psyche session tomorrow. so there's that. think I'll get stoned and journal.
    -louie

  22. #892
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    I have always felt like no one likes me or even really dislikes me. Is there something repulsive about me? I'm not sure. I get driven to suicidal thoughts a lot because of this and the combination of my mental illnesses. Often treatment and medication doesn't work.

    I get so obsessed sometimes with wondering why people don't like me. I don't believe I'm a bad person or have hurt anyone ever.

  23. #893
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    I have that same dislike thing


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  24. #894
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    look i try to take the approach of what you see is what you get, either you like me or you don't, although lately i am pushing or trying to move away from all forms of binary thought. as we move towards the reality of quantum computing. binary views will no longer exist. although that day is a long way off. without sounding to narcissistic. i suppose you don't want my friendship,your loss
    -louie

  25. #895
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    Quote Originally Posted by Louie_Cypher View Post
    look i try to take the approach of what you see is what you get, either you like me or you don't, although lately i am pushing or trying to move away from all forms of binary thought. as we move towards the reality of quantum computing. binary views will no longer exist. although that day is a long way off. without sounding to narcissistic. i suppose you don't want my friendship,your loss
    -louie
    I kinda get what you're saying but it's confusing me a little. I do agree with just not worrying about it and seeing it as "you like me or you don't". It's true we can't change people's perceptions.

  26. #896
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    look i totally get it I can and am a very confusing and at times contradictory person and at this point to old to change my ways. I've never been one to have a ton of friends. i do have a lot of associates. i don't find it rare to run into people with even a slight alignment with my interests or views. look it's rare in life to run into those people if you do cherish them. i lost one of my longest and closest friends a few years back. i don't think there's a day that goes by i don't miss that MF. someone who's always got your back, laughs at your jokes. some people are really irreplaceable.
    -louie
    Last edited by Louie_Cypher; 09-26-2018 at 05:06 PM.

  27. #897
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    Quote Originally Posted by ton View Post
    I have always felt like no one likes me or even really dislikes me. Is there something repulsive about me? I'm not sure. I get driven to suicidal thoughts a lot because of this and the combination of my mental illnesses. Often treatment and medication doesn't work.

    I get so obsessed sometimes with wondering why people don't like me. I don't believe I'm a bad person or have hurt anyone ever.
    I feel that. For the longest time I felt like I had a force field around me (not a physical thing, that would be crazy! ) but something that would keep people from wanting to be near me. In class I would have a circle around me and people would go out of their way to find a place to sit instead of next to me. Same on the bus. Same pretty much anywhere. It bothered me for awhile and if I'm completely honest it still bothers me but it doesn't happen as much now...though I'd be lying if I said it was due to anything I did: I just don't have those same situations anymore.

  28. #898
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    I've been in a serious manic depressive spiral since February this year. Very little has made it better and almost every good thing that's happened to me feels like it disappears instantly while the bad returns immediately. It feels like drowning and getting half a lungful of air only to crash back down and have them fill up with more water, coughing the air back out. I keep trying and doing different things in my life and none of them make much a difference. I get hit with a ton of anxiety and stress when I try to sleep, I feel paranoid a lot of the time, I get worried that people I trust are about to turn on me at any second, I feel afraid of people who don't know I'm trans that I haven't come out to finding out and ruining my life. I'd lose my job and my current arrangement that lets me go to school if me being trans got out to some people I know but I constantly feel like I'm pretending to be someone I don't recognize all of the time to deal with it and that makes me feel like a liar. A lot of people who don't understand being trans think people who live as the gender they identify as are being dishonest but I feel more dishonest not living how I feel inside than the brief times that I do. I feel extremely ungrateful and unlikable all of the time, I can't understand why anyone wants to know me.

    Sometimes that sense of self-loathing from my bipolar disorder and fraudulence from my gender issues result in me resenting people who do like me or show support for me because I think they're wrong and they're challenging those feelings and the reaction of those feelings is to defend themselves. The last time someone showed serious face to face care and admiration and acceptance of me I cried constantly and didn't know how to process it. It's like no matter how close I get to anyone I'm never there inside. Sometimes I'm walking or driving around and it feels like at any second I could start to drift away and lose track of my body entirely. A lot of the times at night I'll be half-asleep but unable to get past it and I'll start having night terrors and will feel like I'm floating out of my body and above the room and then I'll start to trail away. My mania has me feeling super creative and productive but my anxiety has me feeling too exhausted to do anything else, I can barely stand to text someone back sometimes. A lot of the times I wish I could put blackout curtains up and lock the doors and curl up and disappear from myself.

    I don't really know why I'm posting this other than to vent because sometimes saying something when you know other people will see it feels more cathartic than relegating it to more of the same aimless forgotten journal entries that you will never read again. My biggest worry is that I finish school and move somewhere better and get to work on transitioning and none of this goes away. Last year whenever I'd travel I'd feel so free and like all the weight of my feelings disappeared and this year no matter where I've gone they've all been there, to the extent that I've had panic attacks and thought about trying to book flights to leave early because things were too much to take. Whenever I am experiencing good things or good feelings I get this feeling like I don't deserve any of it and everything anybody says gets bent and twisted in my head to somehow reinforce that, even supportive comments get morphed into something condescending or mocking. It's like I want to be alone all the time but can't stand to be alone with myself. Being myself hasn't been this exhausting in almost ten years.

  29. #899
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    Quote Originally Posted by Louie_Cypher View Post
    look i totally get it I can and am a very confusing and at times contradictory person and at this point to old to change my ways. I've never been one to have a ton of friends. i do have a lot of associates. i don't find it rare to run into people with even a slight alignment with my interests or views. look it's rare in life to run into those people if you do cherish them. i lost one of my longest and closest friends a few years back. i don't think there's a day that goes by i don't miss that MF. someone who's always got your back, laughs at your jokes. some people are really irreplaceable.
    -louie
    I'm sorry for your loss. I also lost one of my friends last year and I'm not over it. I wish the best for you and for you to remember them with happy memories when you miss them. That's what I try to do.

    Nah you aren't contradictory or confusing all the time probably. I think I get your earlier post now, I just had to think about it a little. : )


    Quote Originally Posted by allegate View Post
    I feel that. For the longest time I felt like I had a force field around me (not a physical thing, that would be crazy! ) but something that would keep people from wanting to be near me. In class I would have a circle around me and people would go out of their way to find a place to sit instead of next to me. Same on the bus. Same pretty much anywhere. It bothered me for awhile and if I'm completely honest it still bothers me but it doesn't happen as much now...though I'd be lying if I said it was due to anything I did: I just don't have those same situations anymore.
    You're right, it's really nothing that we did. And if people choose to dislike you or stay away, then it's their loss. You seem like a really good person.

    Thank you guys for responding to me. Sorry I was late, I've been busy going back to school and trying to find a job.

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    I never really vent much, but my factory shut down in July after being in business for 61 years, I live in small town USA (500 people) and there are no other jobs around. I worked there for 13 years since I was 19. I am just feeling super depressed trying to find work. I can't afford to relocate and I really don't want too. The only good thing I have going here is that my home is paid for but it's family land so it's not really mine. My unemployment is getting ready to run out and I am trying to find work but it seems being 5'6" 120 pounds is not what the nearest warehouses want and they are all 50 miles away, hell every thing is at least 50 miles away. I have already put in 500 miles looking for work going to interviews and none have turned out good so far. I fear I might have move back in with my parents at 32 years old. End rant.
    Last edited by bryan_NIN65; 10-01-2018 at 11:14 AM.

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