The Mental Health thread - depression, bipolar, ADHD, you name it

[Halo Infinity]

Perhaps I'm going about this the wrong way, but for quite some time, I've usually thought that the only true and real reason to have pride and be proud of yourself would be after you accomplished something or achieved some great form of success. And having a history of perfectionism, and having the tendencies of a perfectionist has lead me to that line of thinking. In other words, is it really unhealthy to only "pat myself on the back" when I achieve something or genuinely commit good deeds? People also suggest that it's better to get pride from your character first, but I'm also convinced that you have to DO something in order to increase or even create your self-worth.

(I could be wrong though, but I have strong feelings for my stance. I'm just curious what others would think of this.)

In other words, I've always thought that being a successful, productive, intelligent, and efficient hard worker is one big must to be a good person worthy of any source of real pride. I often base pride on those things. (Oh yes, and performing good deeds for all the right reasons and motives too.) I'll be willing to admit that it's a huge drawback to only feel comfortable in my own skin when I'm right though.

[sentient02970]

@Kris , I understand this challenge. I think, since the shock of cancer, I've been easier on myself: lowering the bar in some ways. What I really seek is not passing opportunity. Even if I don't succeed at something, knowing I tried is a victory in and of itself which I pat myself on the back for and continue on. We will always have faults, life is never perfect, but life LIVED is a victory in any case. Maybe that helps?

[Halo Infinity]

Oh, I knew I forgot to mention something. This very easily ties into people-pleasing too. And yes, it does. Thank you for reminding me about that. Trying while giving it your all can and would be a victory in and of itself. And yeah, as a huge fault of mine, I'm still working on it. It comes with having an "All-or-Nothing" personality.

[xmd 5a]

I really relate to the perfectionism thing on a personal level. I feel proud/excited about others' achievements often, but very rarely of my own. I have a hell of a lot of trouble accepting compliments/praise and tend to think that people are just being polite when they say nice things about me/stuff I do. I never really pat myself on the back in earnest because I feel like most of what I do is passable-at-best in comparison to this crazy unrealistic standard I set myself in my head.

[Halo Infinity]

My confidence and pride are still shot from time to time, but I think it's remembering and realizing what I'm fortunate enough to have and what I should be thankful for that keeps me going.

(That is, aside from me wanting to make something out of myself in the future, and stay out of trouble, even though I had some erratic and reckless ups and downs both emotionally and mentally.)

Then again, that's exactly what I should've been doing my entire life. It's also still hard to forgive myself though. Then again forgiveness was always challenging to me in general.

It's not even because I'm always angry, loathsome, vindictive, and resentful. A lot of my troubles with forgiveness are also based on an enormous amount of fear and depression. You could even say that I tend to get paranoid and hypersensitive when hurt really bad from others, or even among myself. It really is true that how you forgive or don't forgive yourself can also reflect and affect your approach on forgiveness to others as well. And it's not that I never ever forgive, unless it really is an unforgivable act, but it just never came easy to me. It's also why I don't walk around expecting forgiveness as if I'm entitled to it, which is why I try to treat people right the first time around.

[frankie teardrop]

i'm a depressive overthinker. glass perpetually half empty and tastes that run on the nightmarish/dark side but generally content overall on most days. my biggest problem lately is overthinking things or empathizing too much with others' issues to the point of stressing myself out, but i'm mostly in good shape these days if this is my biggest issue. i also have a temper, but i usually curb it looooonnnnng before it gets past the point of being snippy/cranky.

this is all somewhat of a self diagnosis... it used to be worse, and while i get really low/depressed at certain points, i've tried therapy, only to show up armed with my own solutions and talk myself through it immediately. i've been dismissed from therapy sessions by doctors who say i don't need medication and need to come back (seriously, what therapist does this?) so i've just kept on getting myself out of binds, with the occasional sad bastard day that's severe for a little while and goes away in time. those days i generally can't get off the couch and order food that's awful for me for comfort, then figure out what's wrong and work through it by either talking myself down (if i feel i'm overthinking) or make steps to improve it (like i am with applying for a teacher fellowship program to get out of this dead end job).

so back to self diagnosis, i assume that's just depression. my ex-best friend is manic and bipolar and i definitely don't have that... just generally on the lower side of things on most days, but it doesn't really affect me or my day-to-day life. i've learned to live with it.

as a fan of achewood, i've always felt that comic NAILS that sort of feeling, though of course, roast beef's depression is near constant. but this is how it feels when i get in that really low state:

[Halo Infinity]

I just thought I'd take a moment and use this thread to admit that it does make me wonder when I see people that are proud over little to nothing. In some cases, perhaps it could be better because they seem to be happier than those that are usually or only proud of big accomplishments. That is, unless they're just being that way as an excuse to get away with being lazy and arrogant. (Which I have actually seen before. I don't get it either, with the exception of obstinate denial.)

For instance, I could definitely understand being proud of graduating from college and getting a stable and lucrative career, or managing to steadily work at jobs you're skilled at, interested in and actually care for without missing a beat. Or perhaps even being proud of the things you've gotten as a result of hard and honest work. I also believe that being productive, having a good worth-ethic as a hard worker, and being self-sufficient altogether are among some of the qualities that are a requirement in order to actually be a good person.

Another thing I could definitely understand in terms of pride is being able to accomplish things without the help of others. (And yes, I get how selfish and narcissistic that could sound and be, kind of like the one's that are proud of little to nothing, but on the opposite side of the spectrum.)

[sentient02970]

@Kris , I think you're brushing against the idea that pride can be a two edged sword. On one hand, it can be healthy to have some pride in what you do and accomplish. But when you outwardly advertise that pride, you start looking egotistical and a bit narcissistic. So with pride, balance becomes the art. Feeling good about oneself and a level of confidence is the best effect from it. But the bad could be being too proud and arrogant. I think that's where I sense you are taking this. I sometimes suffer from the very opposite issue, I become too self-effacing and advertise what seems to be a low self esteem. It's mostly because I don't like people of arrogance and therefore counter-balance any level of pride with humility. I don't think it's ever been very healthy for me to be this way and it's what I touch upon in weekly therapy. Thank god I'm off the meds

[marodi]

Well, the Rivotril is making me sleepy and very mellow yellowish which isn't bad.

And about the pride thing: at this time in my life, I'm most proud of the little things like taking the bus (which causes me anxiety like you couldn't believe). Going to the store to buy Hesitation Mark was an exploit; my anxiety disorder is so severe that I don't want anyone around me when I'm looking at CDs, I don't want the cashier to talk to me about what I'm buying (even if they were to say "hey, Nails are cool" to which I would answer by punching them for having called NIN "nails"), in short: I don't want anyone to look at me, talk to me about anything. That's why I love the Internet: no human contact.

There was a time when I wanted to become a cloistered nun; not because I had a calling for it but just because I would cease to have contact with the outside world.

I had a rebellious period at the end of 2008 up to the middle of 2009 when I went to see NIN in Montreal and in Toronto by myself. It was so uncharacteristic of me that my mother and my best friend were convinced I was going there to kill myself. It took me so much energy that I completely crashed the rest of 2009 and I barely got out of my place.

Up to this point, my whole life has been a living hell. I'm hanging on to the hope that the meds plus the therapy will give me some relief.

[sentient02970]

Cheering you on here @marodi ! You will see progress in medication and therapy, give it some time. It sounds like you are very aware of where you are at with it all and that is a big part of moving forward. My best to you.

[Pillfred]

@marodi Good Luck!

I've been seeing a counselor, or was till i got broke and busy but should be back this week if i can work it out recently. My mom told me to do it some time ago to help figure out why i was so angry as she put it. Probably should have. I've never be diagnosed with anything but Im fairly certain i get depressed from time to time more so than just sad. I also tend to have anxiety issues and irrational fears presumably left over from my childhood. I also wonder if it may not just be PTSD from the surgeries i had on my foot when i was younger. It didn't occur to me till fairly recently that may be part of it. It all started from a comment my mother made about how there really isn't any baby pictures of me cause every time they would try and take one i would start crying, she said it was because i said pictures hurt. Im guess this is because of the X-rays on my foot. This is pure speculation on my part but it makes sense in a way cause i've always kind of been this way as far back as i can remember. Been meaning to ask my counsler about it but haven't yet. I can relate a lot to what @frankie teardrop said as thats how i tend to be. I do okay at trying to balance it out with a optimism but i can swing pretty low if given enough time to sit and dwell on shit. I will say I have grown more comfortable with myself and have started to recognize what can set me off as ive gotten older so that helps some. I think the biggest thing recently that has helped is ive had a few ego smashing experiences that have helped me realize im not some completely tragic enigma after all, or if i am so be it.

[Halo Infinity]

@Kris, I think you're brushing against the idea that pride can be a two edged sword. On one hand, it can be healthy to have some pride in what you do and accomplish. But when you outwardly advertise that pride, you start looking egotistical and a bit narcissistic. So with pride, balance becomes the art. Feeling good about oneself and a level of confidence is the best effect from it. But the bad could be being too proud and arrogant. I think that's where I sense you are taking this. I sometimes suffer from the very opposite issue, I become too self-effacing and advertise what seems to be a low self esteem. It's mostly because I don't like people of arrogance and therefore counter-balance any level of pride with humility. I don't think it's ever been very healthy for me to be this way and it's what I touch upon in weekly therapy. Thank god I'm off the meds

I just thought about it again, and I didn't realize that I could've worded it better. I think I was referring more to the negative and positive side of pride regardless of the size, and I still think that something could be off if not exactly wrong when people are proud over nothing.

And yes, double-edged sword is right. The bigger they are, the harder they fall is a quote that can certainly be applied to egos.

[Pillfred]

Arrogance I think is what you were after. Pride can be trouble but generally I think what one sees most is arrogance. Pride in a good job etc., is one thing being an arrogant fuck is another. Maybe I'm overreaching but that's what comes to my mind.

[Halo Infinity]

Yes, I was mostly going after arrogance, even though the two of them can be confused with each other, or seem to be one and the same. And yes, what you've said is also what I've had in mind.

As for another problem I've had emotionally, it's anger and depression, but I feel like anger makes me bad person, or at least makes me look like one. I've been skimming through some of my posts, and while I'm thankful I didn't create any beefs with anybody, it is a rather shameful display sometimes. I've also mentioned that I actually avoid expressing it since I don't know how to deal with it here, so I end up bottling it up even when I think I'm not, since holding it in for just a few moments could lead to you holding it in for a whole lot longer. It becomes like a second nature, so I sometimes don't even realize it when it's actually happening. And like several other things, I really need to work on that too. Oh, and depression is still connected, because when the anger is gone, the depression finds its way to take over through feelings of shame and regret.

I'm just thankful my anger isn't as horrible as it used to be around 8 to 15 years ago and so on. It was one of the biggest reasons why I had a hard time getting along with school. And now as an adult, I completely understand why it's an enormous deal when a child or a teen, even as young as 7 to 15 doesn't get along with school, since that can have adverse mental and emotional problems into one's adulthood making it hard for them to adapt and adjust to what society demands/requires out of a hardworking, responsible, productive, peaceful, mentally stable, and law-abiding citizen, since school isn't just about getting a job/career. It's also about learning how to function and behave in a civilized society. (Which would obviously increase their chances of making wise and healthy decisions, as opposed to foolish and detrimental decisions.)

And I foolishly didn't realize that until I was 18, but even then, my anger was a whole lot worse. (Which is probably among the reasons why I had a hard time adjusting to the old ETS, regardless of how the moderation/posters were at the time.)

And yes, I also have ADHD, and read about the horrendous anger, self-loathing, hypersenistivity, paranoia, and depression attached to it. It described me to a T, regardless of the article.

[sentient02970]

@Kris , over the past year I've kind of made a deal with anger. I understand it's a completely NATURAL emotion to have and OK to express but I also know it's not something I want to define my personality. So yes, like you, I mostly just bury and bottle it but I also am finding ways to dissipate it in a natural way. Life's too short to make a big deal out of most everything so, in general, I let things kind of just roll off the shoulder. This can be tough to get accustomed to but I find it stresses me out so much less than if I just go on an anger rant over small things. I think that is the real challenge.

[Halo Infinity]

I understand it's a completely NATURAL emotion to have and OK to express but I also know it's not something I want to define my personality. So yes, like you, I mostly just bury and bottle it but I also am finding ways to dissipate it in a natural way. Life's too short to make a big deal out of most everything so, in general, I let things kind of just roll off the shoulder.

Oh, I'm definitely aware of that too, although I still need to practice it more and more. I suppose it would also help if I didn't always associate anger with hatred, violence, revenge, and sadism, as I can see how anger can still exist without those things. And aside from letting it roll off my shoulders, I noticed that it also helps to question why I'm angry and what would I hope not to get myself into.

And like other things again, it's sometimes far easier said than done, but it has certainly kept me out of trouble, which is more than great since I don't want to spend any part of my life in prison, and/or just make a complete ass of myself, or get my ass kicked, or have my life cut short. And well, anger can make us do stupid things too.

But so far, it thankfully isn't an issue for me right now. I'm just doing my own thing, laying low, and minding my own business on my spare time, while doing my best to not start shit with others whenever I'm out and about. That seems to work most of the time anyway.

[Corona Radiata]

Found out I was diagnosed with psychosis yesterday. What a bunch of horseshit.

[sukey]

Depression with a recent and new appearance from anxiety over here. I'm on citalopram and I have a little stash of Xanax hidden away from when I lived in France.
Talking therapy was amazing for me, I think I really hit the jackpot with my therapist. We clicked completely and I had a very honest and trusting relationship with her. However, we had to end our work together when I moved back to the UK which sucked because I didn't feel nearly finished. I'm going to try the counselling service offered by my uni here but you only get six sessions so I don't have high hopes.
Giving up drinking has helped me a lot but it's been coupled with a loss of identity (I was a party girl) that I'm really struggling with. 90% of the social events I go to involve alcohol and it really makes me feel lonely and down watching from the outside. Aside from that, exercise helps with de stressing and centering myself.

[Halo Infinity]

I sometimes can't believe what kind of loose cannon I turn into whenever my emotions become too overwhelming. It just reminds me that I'm better off being AFK whenever I'm feeling less than okay. If you see anything that looked very off-base, that really was me when my emotions were anything but on the ball, and I obviously don't mean any harm in ETS. I sometimes post things only to delete them minutes or hours later. That just goes to show that I should only post with a clear mind. I also thought of posting it here as a mental note to myself, and to give people a further idea as to what kind of person I am emotionally. I also thought that this was the right topic for it too.

[binaryhermit]

I'm kinda like what Kris said about himself (or at least I assume it's himself. Sorry if I'm wrong.).

[Dryalex12]

So I have both Aspergers and ADHD....not one of the other
Chronically Depressive to have suicidal thoughts (which rarely happens even when I go to bed with The Downward Spiral playing all night)

[miss k bee]

On Paroxetine for social anxiety. Now reducing the dose to come off it. Not easy. I can feel myself worrying more about stuff esp my parents who are elderly.

[Halo Infinity]

I just thought I'd like to say thanks to those in general that have offered me advice and relatable words with understanding and patience. It was all very much appreciated. I know I'll grow old and die, but I want to make the choice to grow old and die happy too.

[Halo Infinity]

Disclaimer: I told you my emotions were fucked up.

I'm sure I'm not alone here, but I still sometimes find myself encountering self-loathing emotions and suicidal thoughts. Thank goodness I've never acted out my suicidal thoughts, but it truly is by far one of the worst forms of depression I have ever experienced as it manages to completely obliterate my self-worth, motivation, confidence, and overall purpose of living. It has tormented me in the past before, but it thankfully hasn't completely taken me over. Do you have any advice on how to deal with it? (Assuming that you've also occasionally wrestled with such emotions and thoughts?)

[marodi]

Do you have suicidal thoughts right now? I'm a bit worried about you.

I've had suicidal thoughts in the past (the last time, I was actually verbalizing them and my mother called the cops) and what had always stopped me was thinking about the impact my death would have on others. When my mom called the cops, she showed me she cared about me and she wanted me to live.

My advice would be to talk to someone; if you have someone in your life that's close enough to you that you can say to them "hey, I'm not doing well and I'm thinking about killing myself" and that they would listen to you and be the rational voice in that moment then go to them. If not, I'm sure there must be a phone line you can call and where you would find help.

When we are in the suicidal "space" of mind, we don't think rationally. We don't see the whole picture. We only see one way to end the suffering when in fact, there are other ways; much better ways. As a last resort, I'd say call 911 if you have to.

Just talk to someone and don't listen to your inner voice because that voice is telling you LIES.

[Halo Infinity]

Do you have suicidal thoughts right now? I'm a bit worried about you.

Yes, they seem to come and go. I also appreciate your concern. And sometimes it's not necessarily about killing myself, but me telling myself that I shouldn't have been born, which can hurt just as bad.

I've had suicidal thoughts in the past (the last time, I was actually verbalizing them and my mother called the cops) and what had always stopped me was thinking about the impact my death would have on others. When my mom called the cops, she showed me she cared about me and she wanted me to live.

I haven't gone to that point though, but I've been having those thoughts since I was around 11-12.

My advice would be to talk to someone; if you have someone in your life that's close enough to you that you can say to them "hey, I'm not doing well and I'm thinking about killing myself" and that they would listen to you and be the rational voice in that moment then go to them. If not, I'm sure there must be a phone line you can call and where you would find help.

It wasn't to the point where I thought of actually doing it, but my conscience would seem to tell me that everybody and everything on this planet would be better off if I wasn't here. (To put it lightly.)

When we are in the suicidal "space" of mind, we don't think rationally. We don't see the whole picture. We only see one way to end the suffering when in fact, there are other ways; much better ways. As a last resort, I'd say call 911 if you have to.

Just talk to someone and don't listen to your inner voice because that voice is telling you LIES.

Thank you for reminding me about these very facts. And yes, it goes to show that I can't always trust my conscience.

[Khrz]

I'm sure I'm not alone here, but I still sometimes find myself encountering self-loathing emotions and suicidal thoughts.

Right in the middle of it right now. Recently realized I shoot myself in the head to sleep every day, which caaaan't be too good. When the only way to find inner peace is to stage your own self-destruction, it's really time to seek help.
Told my girlfriend I wasn't well at all, but I didn't mention the self-destructive thoughts, she would freak the fuck out and I really don't need that. The chances that I act upon those thoughts are infinitesimal anyway, and I keep myself in check during the day, it's just when the day is over that it floods back.

But yeah, you're not alone there.

[Halo Infinity]

Perhaps I should just take some time to reflect, or even sleep. That sometimes alleviates my qualms a lot.

[Halo Infinity]

I still don't know how to express sadness and anger properly. I just try to hide those emotions the best I can, but that obviously doesn't always work. And if it always did, I wouldn't have even thought of making this post, let alone post in this thread. As of now, I still have fears of getting hurt the more I open up.

[Jinsai]

I'm trying some new pills, not sure how I feel about them. They're supposed to help with chronic depression.