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Thread: The Mental Health thread - depression, bipolar, ADHD, you name it

  1. #841
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    just keep losing and losing almost getting comfortable with being at the bottom no expectations for anything anymore

  2. #842
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    Quote Originally Posted by Steven View Post
    just keep losing and losing almost getting comfortable with being at the bottom no expectations for anything anymore
    isn't that really what you wanted now?
    (Sorry I couldn't help it. And I feel the same brotha. Hang on.)

  3. #843
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    Quote Originally Posted by elevenism View Post
    isn't that really what you wanted now?
    (Sorry I couldn't help it. And I feel the same brotha. Hang on.)

    haha just had a bad day but everything will be fine by tomorrow

  4. #844
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    Quote Originally Posted by Steven View Post
    haha just had a bad day but everything will be fine by tomorrow
    That's awesome.
    As for me, I will still be a rudderless bipolar junkie tomorrow. Good god, how I wish everything would be "fine tomorrow."

  5. #845
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    I read this while on vacation last week and I have to say it was both enlightening and depressing. I also have to say I did not know what it was about because I bought it a few months ago and it was just sitting on my kindle. Anyway. Wow, what a book. It's hard to review it because it's a product of time for me as the last two months or so have had me hitting the deepest parts of my depression ever so reading this was like reading a book someone wrote to me. (I'm not schizophrenic though so that part missed me by so far)

    The part that stood out for me the most is where Caden realizes that while his mental illness hit him, it also hit his family. It's certainly possible to lose yourself in your illness to the point where you forget about what it's doing to the people around you. It's hard to force yourself to see outside of what is happening to you to see what is happening to them.

    Did the book make it easier for me to deal with my depression? No. I don't think I can do that alone - especially for those times when I'm daydreaming about running into a bridge support doing 80 - but it did give me a chance to think about how it affects those around me.

    Also don't read this while you're supposed to be having fun.
    “The fear of not living is a deep, abiding dread of watching your own potential decompose into irredeemable disappointment when 'should be' gets crushed by what is. Sometimes I think it would be easier to die than to face that, because 'what could have been' is much more highly regarded than 'what should have been.' Dead kids are put on pedestals, but mentally ill kids get hidden under the rug.”

    “I used to be afraid of dying. Now I’m afraid of not living. There’s a difference. We go through life planning for a future, but sometimes that future never comes.”

  6. #846
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    I found this and thought it quite fitting






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  7. #847
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    I've got all this shit I need to take care of in the coming week and I'm just mentally overwhelmed and tired before I even start. And, it's petty or stupid but I'm worried I maybe messed things up with someone I have a crush on (not that I even know what to do with that but gosh I don't want to fuck it up preemptively), so that's also silly. And I'm worried about this one social encounter that may come up if I go to a thing on Tuesday, and my sleep schedule is all fucked and I have to do so much adulting. I even have a dentist appointment this week! Bleh.

  8. #848
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    I'm having a pretty grim fucking time.

    i was having these awful symptoms with like terrifying deja vu and phantom smells and, a couple of times, grand mal seizures. Everything points to temporal lobe epilepsy.
    But i was afraid that one of my psych meds was causing it so i stopped first one and then another, trying to find the cause.

    Now i'm all fucked up emotionally AND still having the weird symptoms.

    I go to see my psych lady on tuesday, but she told me i HAD to see a neurologist. in the time i was procrastinating going to the neurologist, i lost my fucking health insurance and there's no WAY i can afford EEGs and shit.
    So i don't know what i'm gonna tell her.

    But the way i feel right now: ugh. i don't wanna kill myself but i don't want to be alive either.

  9. #849
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    Quote Originally Posted by elevenism View Post
    I'm having a pretty grim fucking time.
    .......
    I'm sorry. I'd say go in anyhow, but I get it ...

  10. #850
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    It's been a little over a month since my attempt, and things have been going fairly well. Seeing a therapist and getting help with employment, plus being more open and honest with people, especially when depression begins to rear its ugly head again. Also back on medication, which has definitely been helping as well.

  11. #851
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    How long it took you to order meeting with the specialist? Was that question of years, of some breakdown,...? I mean ones with no-so-good-noticable mental illnesses.

  12. #852
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    Quote Originally Posted by Pillfred View Post
    I'm sorry. I'd say go in anyhow, but I get it ...
    I appreciate the response and, I agree and plan to get a neurological appt.
    Day before yesterday was SO fucking AWFUL with the terrifying phantom smells and hallucinations of like flashing lights: I was just certain I was gonna have another grand mal. The bullshit went on for 2 HOURS this time instead of a few seconds. I can't live this way!!!
    MAYBE the neurologist will just BELIEVE me about the symptoms and not require a battery of expensive tests and will just prescribe the motherfucking antidote (but this seems unlikely.)

    The whole thing causes a bunch of anxiety to go along with the anxiety I already have, and it's also depressing as fuck.I

    And I'm at a point where I'm wondering "why, God, why? I'm bipolar with psychotic features, AND I have God awful panic disorder, and I've recently experienced the emergence of OCD, and I'm like a born addict AND alcoholic...and now I have to have some strange form of epilepsy too? FUCK!!!"

    I'm well aware that it could all be much, much worse in a multitude of ways; I'm just fucking stressed about all of this, and honestly, I am...omg I guess I'm AFRAID. I am! I'm scared and I just realized it. I teared up a little when I realized it just now.

    Thank you guys who read this for taking the time and listening to me.
    I am so grateful for this part of the community and the way we at least TRY to help one another, even if it's just talk and listening, even if is just letting a member know they aren't alone.
    Last edited by elevenism; 07-22-2018 at 07:21 AM.

  13. #853
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    yeah I totally agree with you, it's so awesome to have this support from people we have a mutual connection to, even if we don't personally know each other, and I think that makes it easier to open up just that little bit more than we would do, to family & friends offline




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  14. #854
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    Anyone struggling with their mental health issues can hopefully find some relief in knowing they don't have it as bad as me. They aren't stuck living every single day with a sexual obsession that's so heinous, globally it is the most unacceptable and hated thing a human can possibly think, maybe other than murder.

    The hard part for me is, unlike most of you whom can talk to about it with family, friends, doctors... I live totally in isolation unable to even hint that I have any sort of mental health issue and what it involves.

    I'm an active member on this form but can't even use my regular profile, let alone outright say what it is.

    I'm a great person, if you knew me you would probably like me, I work hard and have a great family life, I'll go out of my way to help a stranger, ill donate my own money... etc.

    But while I'm doing that I'm struggling with trying not to think about my sexual obsession. It makes being homosexual look like a walk in the park on a nice sunny day with a cool breeze. I know there are 100000's of others like me, and I think its totally fucked up and disgusting. But I also wonder if it's normal and due to the stigma surrounding it NO ONE is ready to admit it; except when caught.

    But no matter what I cannot control it or change my way of thinking. I'm agnostic and I've begged god to help me with this one. No dice. I hate myself for thinking this way. I wish every day that it would stop. I will spend everyday of my life until I die hiding this and fighting it off every day of my life.

    Like I said Im a good person, I don't act on my obsession. It's not easy.

  15. #855
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    Quote Originally Posted by reasons View Post
    ...It makes being homosexual look like a walk in the park on a nice sunny day with a cool breeze...
    uh, being gay isn't a sexual deviancy or obsession. that's a pretty fucked up line of thought.

  16. #856
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    Agreed @eversonpoe and I’d add that you don’t need to pull the Scooby Doo ending with the “Let’s see who this really is” deal. That’s for trolls.

  17. #857
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    finally I'm having the long awaited full depression dive, after being good for so long, the bad has come back, it's kinda nice to see him but he makes my thinking bad, and I go to my safe place (I dissociate , when super stressed) I don't get stressed when there it's all familiar as I've been going there ever since I can remember sometimes I can't remember sometimes I can feel I've been there, think I need to see my CPN Monday, see how the weekend takes me, now some lorazapam to help me sleep, really should take zopiclone, but I don't feel refreshed upon waking, and it gives me a shitty metallic taste for hours after I wake

    keep safe all!! x


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  18. #858
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    Quote Originally Posted by eversonpoe View Post
    uh, being gay isn't a sexual deviancy or obsession. that's a pretty fucked up line of thought.
    I've come across many people who do obsess over being gay, it scares them because they have always thought they were straight. They have uncontrollable and intrusive images and thoughts which race through their heads at the most inappropriate times, and based on what they write... it sounds like a terrible experience they are enduring.

    And I apologize, I do see what I wrote and how it comes off. It's not what I meant. But for anyone struggling with unwanted and intrusive thoughts, it's very difficult and just by opening up and talking about it can make people feel some relief and even help control their intrusive thoughts.


    I only pointed out that I'm an active member because the alias REASONS has only 1 post, which looks like a troll.

  19. #859
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    I don’t think you’re fully understanding. Let me be clearer:

    If you are gay, be gay. Don’t think of yourself or your thoughts as intrusive.

    You don’t need an alias. With the exception of a handful of backward asswipes, ETS is quite accepting.

  20. #860
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    Thank you, I have no problem admitting I'm bi. When I was 13 I had a relationship with a 19 year old. It was fucking great. When I was 8 my same aged and same gender neighbor and I loved playing with each other.

    But today I am in my 30's and I remember everything, now I have intrusive images and thoughts which bombard me, probably 30-60 times every single day. It's the age that's my problem. I can't be near a child and not think about it.

    Obviously I control myself and I'm not a monster that would ever act upon it. But I deal with absolutely disgusting and unwanted intrusive thoughts and images everyday.

    This probably isn't even the right place/fourm for me to be.

    Have you ever looked at the girl on the chair in the Closer video? Sucking her finger, legs up, twirling her toes? It gets my heart racing like a playboy magazine does for you.

    Sick. And the bigger problem is I think I would enjoy it, where as I'm supposed to feel disgusted and suicidal.


    This is the most powerful OCD I can think of. I'd rather be attracted to animals. My issue is so heinous and evil I feel like I dont even qualify for addiction/OCD/mental health.

  21. #861
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    Hey @reasons , there's no such thing as 'evil', but I do encourage you to talk to a therapist, if you're not already. And if that hasn't worked out - keep trying. Finding the right therapist can be difficult. You're probably right that this is not really the best forum for talking through that sort of thing. I'm not sure the folks here are really equipped for that kind of conversation. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe someone will reach out and you can talk about what you're dealing with. It sounds like you've come this far while keeping your impulses in check - maybe take solace in the fact that behavior can change as you age. I'm in my late 30s and things I was into when I was younger aren't really a thing any more - probably from exposure to new things, you know? It's good that you're taking this down off the shelf to address it, but also, there may be people and places better equipped for talking about it than you're going to find on a Nine Inch Nails fan forum.

  22. #862
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    Okay, so, I'm not comfortable going into detail, but I have had intrusive thoughts about pretty much everything under the sun. I know how horrifying intrusive thoughts can be. POCD is A LOT more common than people who don't have OCD realize, since so much of our intrusive thoughts revolve around fear of hurting others, and that's one of the most hurtful things a person can do.

    Go see an OCD specialist and get diagnosed. None of us can tell you if it's just OCD or if it's something more, but if it's just OCD, it's incredibly treatable. And having intrusive thoughts, despite the fear I think most of us who experience them feel, is not an indicator that we want to do something. We have the intrusive thoughts BECAUSE they scare and horrify us. Please don't DM me about this, I'm not comfortable discussing it further. But like, I was able to get my intrusive thoughts managed just through CBT. I didn't even need medication. There is really effective medication as well. There are routes to truly get this handled.

  23. #863
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    ^^
    Sooooo much this.

    @reasons:

    I've had OCD since I was really little and while it has gotten much, much better over the past few years (thanks to a wonderful therapist) I still struggle with it, and the intrusive thoughts thing was something I dealt with a LOT. I mean a LOT a lot. Intrusive thoughts, fear that I would hurt someone (I never did and I never will), you name it, I feared it. It was terrifying. At one point I came pretty close to having myself voluntarily committed because I was so terrified I would hurt someone (I recognize now that that was strictly the OCD and there was zero chance of me actually doing that).

    So if it's OCD then believe me, PLENTY of us have been there and there is help available. If it's not OCD, if this is your true predilection, know this: you are NOT a bad person. You have no control over how your brain is wired, and you are not a terrible person for having these thoughts or desires. Acting on it would be wrong, absolutely. But just having those thoughts? No. No, sorry, I know a lot of people act like just having the thoughts makes you a bad person but it doesn't. And, frankly, it's something that has pissed me off, because I've struggled with my own illnesses (OCD, depression, gender dysphoria*) and I didn't choose any of them. So I cannot even fathom blaming someone for thoughts that run through their heads, it's not their fault, they didn't choose it and god knows no one would. Mental illness is fucking hard. And we all need to have empathy for people who are struggling with it.

    So that all being said, as Leviathant mentioned, the best thing you can do is get to a therapist. There are therapists out there that can help you. They're not going to be judgmental, they have dealt with everything you can imagine, they'll know how to help. But you need help. If nothing else than to work your way through this and relieve some of the stress this is causing you. You don't deserve to go through this, and you don't have to go through it alone. There are people that can help you.

    And as hard as it is, as much stigma is attached to what you are dealing with, just know that there are people in this world who don't judge you for having those feelings. I promise.

    *=just to clarify, being trans isn't a mental illness but the dysphoria that comes from it (i.e. the depression of having your mind and body not match) is technically considered one. Two different things, though.
    Last edited by theruiner; 07-27-2018 at 07:33 PM.

  24. #864
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    Thanks everyone, I guess this was testing the waters and I was expecting to be banned and hunted down if you know what I mean. I appreciate the support and this has actually helped.

    It's amazing how fixated we can get on something; whether it's a light switch, a person, feelings, or fears. When I pass by KFC I see the sign and smell the awesome chicken, it triggers my desire to have some comfort food, I get all sorts of thoughts... 1 minute later I'm not even thinking about KFC anymore.

    When I'm at wal-mart and I see a cool gadget I get excited and get impulses to buy it, 1 minute later I don't care about it anymore and im not even thinking about it.

    So why do unwanted thoughts get stuck in our active thoughts, like an indefinite loop where the impulse multiplies with each passing second, the more you think about it the stronger it gets as if it's literally feeding and growing off of your attention. Just move on, think positive and be happy.

    Anyways I hope everyone stays strong. I've always felt like 'Demon Seed' was kind of about stuff like this (not my particular case, I mean mental health you cannot escape).

  25. #865
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    well good news!
    I have to be assessed over the next few days, as my thinking has gone odder, so the psychiatric nurse worker has kindly pointed out lol
    "it's slightly concerning" that it's come on so quickly


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  26. #866
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    Okay, i need to get this off my chest. There are a lot of things about depression that people are aware of, so im using my battle to show some of you who may not fully understand what it may be like to go through something like this, and to help me out, im using a song that not a lot of people like

    Heavy, Yes the Linkin Park song. Is it boring? Yes. Are the lyrics true? Oh god yes. This being one of only two that Chester wrote, he doesn't hold back on some of the topics of what goes on...not that anyone cared to look at it, they only just saw the title, heard the song and said "what the fuck is so heavy about this song"

    So, im gonna go over each lyric and explain what they mean


    "I don't like my mind right now
    Stacking up problems that are so unnecessary
    Wish that I could slow things down
    I wanna let go but there's comfort in the panic
    And I drive myself crazy
    Thinking everything's about me
    Yeah, I drive myself crazy
    'Cause I can’t escape the gravity"


    So here's the thing, because I have severe depression, I have random bouts of just randomly having thoughts of a bunch of shit i may of screwed up on, i said the wrong thing, i may have hurt someones feels, etc, and it just happens when it wants to, I get no warning at all, and it just piles and piles and piles on top of me. I often have to put on a song to help me think about something else because there is literally so much shit that is going on in my head that its fucking driving me nuts. And I cant control it, sometimes it's quick, and sometimes it lasts all day.

    "I'm holding on
    Why is everything so heavy?
    Holding on
    So much more than I can carry
    I keep dragging around what's bringing me down
    If I just let go, I'd be set free
    Holding on
    Why is everything so heavy?"

    Which brings us to the title that everyone made fun of. You wanna know why its called Heavy? its not because the song is heavy, no, It means "Heavy Thoughts"

    As mentioned before, everything is just piled on, stacked and stacked of so much negative emotions, and you might be thinking "hey, why don't you just think about something else"

    Oh gee, you think its that simple, you think mental illness is just something you can just tell to go away and everything will be better? Gee, I never would of thought about that, except, if that was really the case, why the fuck am i still talking about it right now? Trust me, if there was just a way to make this all go away, i would jump on it in a heartbeat.

    "You say that I'm paranoid
    But I'm pretty sure the world is out to get me
    It's not like I make the choice
    To let my mind stay so fucking messy"

    Just like I said before, it's not like I wanted this to happen, I have no control over this, it happens when it feels like it. Which is why it pisses me off when someone who is not clinically depressed tries to tell people who are how to "get over" pisses me off so much

    "I know I'm not the center of the universe
    But you keep spinning 'round me just the same
    I know I'm not the center of the universe
    But you keep spinning 'round me just the same"

    The "you" in this song is not a person, its the thoughts in my head. Everything in the song that might relate to a person is only true when it's talking about themselves.

    So that's not everything that goes on with depression, but it's one of the many things that I have to go through, what many other like Chester and Cornell went through...and its fucking horrible


  27. #867
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    The Mental Health thread - depression, bipolar, ADHD, you name it

    OK, after ending up at the A&E at 3am this morning due to hear scratches coming from the chimney! that no one else can hear....
    had an assessment and given 2 lorazapam, to help me calm down, and then another assessment, (OK, now when I get stressed I dissociate, and for me this is just when my vision of the world goes different colours) the Dr today says the auditory hallucinations are linked to my dissociation. which I suppose is good in a way but kinda bad as the scratches really stresses me more, and isn't keeping me safe?!
    well now back on abilify/aripiprazole, not sure if this is long or short term? I don't suppose it really matters, but I never ever had thought how scary auditory hallucinations are! they are shit scary!


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  28. #868
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    Shit @InsecureSpike . Hang in there.

    And yeah, all kinds of hallucinations can be fucking horrifying.
    I have terrifying OLFACTORY hallucinations related to seizures :/

  29. #869
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    So a lifelong friend of mine lost his battle with cancer last night.

    When he got diagnosed about a year ago, he started keeping a blog and working on a novel.

    His strength in the face of this thing was insanely inspiring to me and there's a lot of powerful stuff in his blog.

    I saved the book for when he was gone, so I can't comment on that yet, but the blog was stunning.here is a link to all of it.

    He had hoped that his writing might help people, both people with cancer and just people in general. Check it out if you have a minute.

    https://thewishingglass.com

  30. #870
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    @reasons

    Echoing what others have said... You are not a bad person. Especially if you are recognizing this within yourself and trying to address it without harming others. I definitely understand how difficult it is to address an issue of this magnitude. Even if you are formally diagnosed with pedophilia, people have turned that medical term into such a scare tactic that is used incorrectly more often than not. A diagnoses does NOT require an offense. But even people who *say* they are supportive of people with mental health issues struggle to accept it when they hear that someone is attracted to children. None of us can help who we are attracted to on a basic level, but there are steps to take to ensure that nobody is ever harmed and the thoughts just remain as thoughts.

    A lot of intervention for this mirrors therapies for OCD. There are a few medications that might be able to assist, but most of it centers around CBT and other forms of talk therapy. I am a huge, HUGE supporter of more research for alternative therapies to be done in this area. But unfortunately, like the general public, people who fund research also have these same biases. Everyone deserves support, and I hope that you are someday able to find the assistance and peace that you need. I cannot even imagine the feelings that must come with this, and honestly can't imagine anything worse.

    You are incredibly brave for speaking about this anywhere.

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