How fucked was your day?

[allegro]

@eskimo - Good on you for actually READING your lease. Most people don’t!

You’re right, that place is MORE valuable to investors AND their lenders WITH existing leases - NOT vacant!

We are in the same situation, with an annual lease. Just because he doesn’t want to renew this lease doesn’t mean we have to be “out” by the end of the lease term (September 30th); it just means that we then go to month-to-month tenancy. We have a security deposit I want back, etc. If we aren’t in a position to get her out of there by 9/30, we won’t. We may not be able to get her out of there by 11/30. I won’t know until closer to that date. I’m not going to keep him updated, anymore, after this point.

It’s now become clear that the assumed altruism was actually him using us a loss vehicle, although we DID benefit by having my Mom live there. But my Mom bought a new stove for this place (against my wishes), and I’ve pretty much been property manager for nearly 9 years. He has NO idea what’s going on over there as to major renovations the association was doing that created havoc on all present owners and tenants, etc. The dishwasher is dying, the association is requiring that the bedroom window be replaced by December 31st, and the unit’s electrical panel is wonky and needs repairs.

Anyway, I tend to be the type who weighs out longterm planning and costs and benefits vs. additional costs, etc. And, after all that, we opted to move Mom into our house, bypassing the apartment. She’ll likely end up here, anyway. Why move twice, with those costs?

Putting equity into our house in our area is much smarter than where the condo is located; property there is devaluating, not increasing, and there’s a cap on values. Where we live, there is no value cap. It’s just what the market will bear at this point, but value on this house has been steadily increasing.

Whittling down her personal property now, vs. in the throes of grief while paying her apartment rent with our income until we can clear out the apartment (the prospect of which has given me endless anxiety) now becomes a non-issue, AND she pays monthly rent to US. All without me sinking cash into a shady condo.

Now, it’s all just a matter of logistics, sorting, some serious Marie Kondo “Does This Bring You Joy?” organization sessions with my husband and mother, and creating three separate areas of “personal space” in my house, as well as being mindful of personal space for three cats.

I can do this!!!

[marodi]

I'm so sorry you and your mom have to go through all of that @allegro . I'm sending you positive vibes that the situation will resolve itself as smoothly as possible.

[M1ke]

I'm sorry for your situation too allegro.

People suck. And the timing couldn't be worse either.

[allegro]

@marodi and @eskimo , thank you.

I have my graph paper and furniture measurements, I’m focusing on the positives.

[allegro]

Ugh. This project keeps getting more complicated. Each step leads to six more steps. I feel like I’m on Property Brothers.

With mold.

[Jinsai]

Yeah... I'm not under a gun here or anything really, but the prospect of moving is really the most draining thing, and I gotta figure it out. I'm probably gonna just find a shitty apartment somewhere in the Inland Empire while I figure it all out... I'm still looking at Mass and Colorado, which are two places I've never set foot in. It's all such a daunting prospect the more I think about. Also was considering Chicago or Detroit... I was even considering Ohio for a while. It's all such a headache.

[eversonpoe]

Ugh. This project keeps getting more complicated. Each step leads to six more steps. I feel like I’m on Property Brothers.

With mold.

do you feel like the awkward third property brother?

[allegro]

do you feel like the awkward third property brother?

LOL thanks I needed that.

[poinoup]

I've been up for 17 hours straight since getting the news about a very close friend passing away last night from cervical cancer. Just devastating news, but at the same time you could see signs that they accepted the inevitable. Crushes you to go back and see some of the last messages even if it is through something that seems so trivial as Facebook Messenger.

... and this never gets any easier.

[eversonpoe]

I've been up for 17 hours straight since getting the news about a very close friend passing away last night from cervical cancer. Just devastating news, but at the same time you could see signs that they accepted the inevitable. Crushes you to go back and see some of the last messages even if it is through something that seems so trivial as Facebook Messenger.

... and this never gets any easier.

so sorry, friend <3

[allegro]

@poinoup , my sincerest condolences.

[DF118]

Please excuse the new-line character formatting abuse, I'm exhausted and it makes it easier for me to post this. On Tuesday, I started hiccuping. Normal hiccups, nothing seemly sinister.

This continued to Friday afternoon, by which time I was dizzy, sweating, and vomiting. All because of non-stop hiccuping. I was also in real pain- when you hiccup, see, you inhale air, which needs to work it's way back up through your esophagus. If this happens once every 5 minutes for three days, you'd better believe it feels like taking a knife in the chest.

So I hiccuped down to an urgent care clinic, saw a sympathetic doctor, who prescribed me something. Something no pharmacy in ALL OF MANHATTAN seemed to have available.

So I hiccuped my way back to the sympathetic doctor, who promptly said, "yeah fuck this", and referred me to the ER.

In the emergency room, I was given an injection of Thorazine, a chest X-Ray, and had bloods taken. All came back none the wiser. Thorazine, if you're interested, is an anti-psychotic that's also used to cure hiccups, so I was knocked flat on my ass, and can't really remember getting home.

I picked up a bunch of new prescriptions, touched base with some very concerned friends, and slept 24 hours deep, until this morning.

This morning... NO MORE HICCUPS!

However, I noticed I'd developed a horrendous rash under my armpit, and across my chest. Af first, thinking this was an allergic reaction to the new meds, I returned to the urgent care clinic again.

The doctor took one look at my rash, and said: "You have shingles."

tldr: Shingles. Fucking shingles. Fucking adult Chicken Pox. Fuck shingles, fuck hiccuping, fuck thorazine injections, fuck everything.

[eversonpoe]

tldr: Shingles. Fucking shingles. Fucking adult Chicken Pox. Fuck shingles, fuck hiccuping, fuck thorazine injections, fuck everything.

holy shit, dude. i'm so sorry. hope you feel better soon. <3

[DF118]

holy shit, dude. i'm so sorry. hope you feel better soon. <3

Thanks eversonpoe. I'm probably being a bit whiny, but it's been a shitty couple of days. Apparently intractable hiccups is a symptom of Shingles. I honestly wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. And there's only been so many times one can keep their cool saying to people, "yes, I've tried drinking water upside down. It didn't work. Thanks".

[Magnetic]

Wow that sucks! I've had friend who had shingles, but not the hiccups. Hope the rest of the symptoms aren't too bad.

[marodi]

@poinoup my condolences, my friend.
@DF118 you are not being whiny; shingles is effin brutal and can last for a very long time. I feel for you, I really do. I pray to God that you'll recover quickly.

[DF118]

Thanks everyone. I'm full of anti-virals now, and still hiccup free!

... and this never gets any easier.

Sorry for your loss.

[allegate]

Please excuse the new-line character formatting abuse, I'm exhausted and it makes it easier for me to post this. On Tuesday, I started hiccuping. Normal hiccups, nothing seemly sinister.

This continued to Friday afternoon, by which time I was dizzy, sweating, and vomiting. All because of non-stop hiccuping. I was also in real pain- when you hiccup, see, you inhale air, which needs to work it's way back up through your esophagus. If this happens once every 5 minutes for three days, you'd better believe it feels like taking a knife in the chest.

So I hiccuped down to an urgent care clinic, saw a sympathetic doctor, who prescribed me something. Something no pharmacy in ALL OF MANHATTAN seemed to have available.

So I hiccuped my way back to the sympathetic doctor, who promptly said, "yeah fuck this", and referred me to the ER.

In the emergency room, I was given an injection of Thorazine, a chest X-Ray, and had bloods taken. All came back none the wiser. Thorazine, if you're interested, is an anti-psychotic that's also used to cure hiccups, so I was knocked flat on my ass, and can't really remember getting home.

I picked up a bunch of new prescriptions, touched base with some very concerned friends, and slept 24 hours deep, until this morning.

This morning... NO MORE HICCUPS!

However, I noticed I'd developed a horrendous rash under my armpit, and across my chest. Af first, thinking this was an allergic reaction to the new meds, I returned to the urgent care clinic again.

The doctor took one look at my rash, and said: "You have shingles."

tldr: Shingles. Fucking shingles. Fucking adult Chicken Pox. Fuck shingles, fuck hiccuping, fuck thorazine injections, fuck everything.

hiccups are a precursor to shingles? oh man. my wife is terrible about hiccups - like getting them and keeping them for hours at a time - so she won't enjoy this news at all. Though she also never got chicken pox because of some weird natural immunity so maybe she's ok.

I hope things go well for you, I only know that it's supposed to be painful.

[DF118]

hiccups are a precursor to shingles? oh man. my wife is terrible about hiccups - like getting them and keeping them for hours at a time - so she won't enjoy this news at all. Though she also never got chicken pox because of some weird natural immunity so maybe she's ok.

I hope things go well for you, I only know that it's supposed to be painful.

Thanks. I'm actually not feeling too much discomfort from the rash, but I have this annoying low-grade persistent headache which is bothering me. From what I can see, "chronic" hiccups is a rare symptom before the rash breaks out, but it's documented for sure. I'm just glad they've stopped.

If she gets them for a long period of time, they can be treated by a doctor. I won't be waiting around if I start hiccuping for longer than an hour, from now on.

I'm sure I'll be fighting fit again in a couple of weeks.

[poinoup]

Thanks for the support and condolences, all, they are very much appreciated. Now the hardest part is being the oldest of that group of friends, so they're coming to me for advice and being a pillar of support. And ~30 minute naps will not help for a few days, but the lack of sleep is normal during this time.

[poinoup]

Just popping in to say thanks once again, my fellow ETSers. It's getting easier just two days in, they're starting to celebrate the life and not mourn the death.

[DF118]

Keep keeping it together poinoup. Concentrate on the good stuff with them.

My rash is no longer a rash- it's a patchwork quilt of jelly and my entire shoulder aches. Can barely turn my head to the left. But my fever seems to have broken today and I'm still not hiccuping. This is a weird fucking virus.

[eachpassingphase]

So I just wanted to vent for a second because I’m basically holding on with everything I’ve got right now. I won’t be posting anything about this on social media for obvious reasons, which is why those of you who are my friend on Facebook or Instagram didn’t already know.

Back at the beginning on February my husband of 11 years came to me and told me he wanted a divorce. I was totally flabbergasted, as we have never had anything other than a respectful, loving, drama-free relationship (at least from my perspective).

He also told me that he had never loved me, only married me because I was the most stable woman he had ever met, that I wasn’t a likable or attractive woman. My husband has never said an intentionally cruel word to me ever in the 11 years we’ve been married, and I’ve tried to do the same. Hearing these words come out of his mouth was shocking and so out of character that I didn’t even get my feelings hurt until a few days later, because I refused to believe the things he was saying and thought he was having a mental breakdown.

Well, in the last few weeks he has not changed his mind, and now I know what prompted the serious change in behavior towards me - he’s having an affair with one of our coworkers.

I could write a damn novel on the events that have transpired since then. My emotions have shifted from heartbreak to being numb to now just being furious. He’s still living in our place, but obviously we aren’t having sex or anything. Just being nice enough to each other to keep things stress free for the kids, and going about our business like nothing is wrong. He has told me repeatedly that he will not break things off with this woman (who is also married, and a new mother at that), but he also hasn’t made any moves to physically leave or file for divorce and I don’t know why.

The elders at our church and a couple of our closest friends know, and they are also blown away by this news. His closest male friends have tried to reason with him and basically said “dude, what in the fuck are you doing?” His reaction has been to just cut them all off because they won’t support his “happiness”.

I don’t know where to go from here, but I think I’m at the point now where I’m just going to have to kick him out of my house. I never in a million years thought this would be my life. I’m scared to death to be a single mom of two kids, one having a serious disability. I don’t even know where to start with handling this. My close friends and church family are 100% behind whatever I want to do, and I know I can count on them to help me with physical and emotional needs. But I have been married my entire adult life. I’ve literally never been single *ever*.

We set up an appointment for couples therapy when he first told me all this. He said he would cooperate and go, and I told him that I would make any changes that would make him happy. And at the time - I meant it.

But the closer we get to our appointment on Tuesday, the more I despise him. If there was a problem on his end, why not just talk to me about it? Why not suggest therapy? Why marry me at all and have kids with me? Why was he such a coward for so long and act like he was happy and have sex with me all the time and brag to his friends about what a good wife I was - if really he’s hated me for years?

I am not a perfect person. If he had come to me even once and said “I feel like our connection is broken, and I am frustrated with you about X & Y behavior” then I would have taken responsibility for that and worked on it. But he never did, not even once. I’m attentive to him physically, I don’t yell or gaslight or pick fights. I’m not an addict or running up debt or abusing anybody. What could possibly be so awful about me that he would do this?

I have faults, but this is not MY fault. If that makes sense. I feel so low and awful right now, but I don’t hate myself. I don’t deserve this - nobody does. I want him out of my house. I don’t want to live with a man who thinks I’m so awful when what HE’S DOING is awful.

I am dreading this counseling appointment because I don’t want to save this. Even if he had a lightbulb moment and went “oh crap, I messed up” and immediately got to work trying to save this marriage; how would I ever get those words and that woman out of my head?

I feel like this is happening to somebody else. I don’t even know where to go from here. I’m trying to tell as few people as possible because I don’t want to get caught in a whirlwind of gossip and insanity while trying to navigate this. I want to keep my dignity and protect my kids from getting in the middle of this. But it is a little isolating, because none of the people who know about this in our lives have been divorced or cheated on by their spouse.

So yeah, any advice at all from those who have been there is more than welcome.


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[sweeterthan]

So I just wanted to vent for a second because I’m basically holding on with everything I’ve got right now. I won’t be posting anything about this on social media for obvious reasons, which is why those of you who are my friend on Facebook or Instagram didn’t already know.

Back at the beginning on February my husband of 11 years came to me and told me he wanted a divorce. I was totally flabbergasted, as we have never had anything other than a respectful, loving, drama-free relationship (at least from my perspective).

He also told me that he had never loved me, only married me because I was the most stable woman he had ever met, that I wasn’t a likable or attractive woman. My husband has never said an intentionally cruel word to me ever in the 11 years we’ve been married, and I’ve tried to do the same. Hearing these words come out of his mouth was shocking and so out of character that I didn’t even get my feelings hurt until a few days later, because I refused to believe the things he was saying and thought he was having a mental breakdown.

Well, in the last few weeks he has not changed his mind, and now I know what prompted the serious change in behavior towards me - he’s having an affair with one of our coworkers.

I could write a damn novel on the events that have transpired since then. My emotions have shifted from heartbreak to being numb to now just being furious. He’s still living in our place, but obviously we aren’t having sex or anything. Just being nice enough to each other to keep things stress free for the kids, and going about our business like nothing is wrong. He has told me repeatedly that he will not break things off with this woman (who is also married, and a new mother at that), but he also hasn’t made any moves to physically leave or file for divorce and I don’t know why.

The elders at our church and a couple of our closest friends know, and they are also blown away by this news. His closest male friends have tried to reason with him and basically said “dude, what in the fuck are you doing?” His reaction has been to just cut them all off because they won’t support his “happiness”.

I don’t know where to go from here, but I think I’m at the point now where I’m just going to have to kick him out of my house. I never in a million years thought this would be my life. I’m scared to death to be a single mom of two kids, one having a serious disability. I don’t even know where to start with handling this. My close friends and church family are 100% behind whatever I want to do, and I know I can count on them to help me with physical and emotional needs. But I have been married my entire adult life. I’ve literally never been single *ever*.

We set up an appointment for couples therapy when he first told me all this. He said he would cooperate and go, and I told him that I would make any changes that would make him happy. And at the time - I meant it.

But the closer we get to our appointment on Tuesday, the more I despise him. If there was a problem on his end, why not just talk to me about it? Why not suggest therapy? Why marry me at all and have kids with me? Why was he such a coward for so long and act like he was happy and have sex with me all the time and brag to his friends about what a good wife I was - if really he’s hated me for years?

I am not a perfect person. If he had come to me even once and said “I feel like our connection is broken, and I am frustrated with you about X & Y behavior” then I would have taken responsibility for that and worked on it. But he never did, not even once. I’m attentive to him physically, I don’t yell or gaslight or pick fights. I’m not an addict or running up debt or abusing anybody. What could possibly be so awful about me that he would do this?

I have faults, but this is not MY fault. If that makes sense. I feel so low and awful right now, but I don’t hate myself. I don’t deserve this - nobody does. I want him out of my house. I don’t want to live with a man who thinks I’m so awful when what HE’S DOING is awful.

I am dreading this counseling appointment because I don’t want to save this. Even if he had a lightbulb moment and went “oh crap, I messed up” and immediately got to work trying to save this marriage; how would I ever get those words and that woman out of my head?

I feel like this is happening to somebody else. I don’t even know where to go from here. I’m trying to tell as few people as possible because I don’t want to get caught in a whirlwind of gossip and insanity while trying to navigate this. I want to keep my dignity and protect my kids from getting in the middle of this. But it is a little isolating, because none of the people who know about this in our lives have been divorced or cheated on by their spouse.

So yeah, any advice at all from those who have been there is more than welcome.


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i’m glad to read that you have support and i’m so sorry you’re going through this. when i started reading your post, my first thought was affair. you are right that this isn’t your fault. all the things you’re wondering, why didn’t he talk to you, why did he pretend to be happy with you. those things are on him.

i’m not in your situation but i did have a cheating ex. i could tell he wasn’t into our relationship and tried talking to him about it. i remember him agreeing with me about everything. that weekend, he had his dad buy me an engagement ring. 3 weeks later his girlfriend starts sending me messages, pretending to be her boyfriend. it was pure drama for a bit but when it died down, i realized i didn’t want to be with a liar who didn’t love me. it’s hard to realize that this person wasn’t who i thought he was. it was kinda like that person died. they were gone now that the truth was revealed.

you don’t deserve to be treated this way. better things are in store for you. i will keep you and your children in my thoughts. again i’m sorry this is happening.


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[Magnetic]

Back at the beginning on February my husband of 11 years came to me and told me he wanted a divorce. I was totally flabbergasted, as we have never had anything other than a respectful, loving, drama-free relationship (at least from my perspective).

That is horrible. No one deserves to be treated like that especially a faithful and loving person. I'm so sorry. I don't have any advice, but just virtual empathy. Lean into your support system. You will get through this.

[Swykk]

My ex cheated on me as well 3 months into a new house and told me a similar story as what you got. Within a month of telling me, she filed for divorce. If he even thinks for a single second he can get this new girl to leave her dude, he will file. The thing about cheaters is they’re also cowards.

Sadly, you never truly know anyone is what I’ve learned.

I’m so sorry you’re going through all this especially given your situation; that’s a horrible stress level. You don’t deserve this and you are a great person. Don’t let this cowardly bastard’s words convince you. He wants to justify his actions.

[allegro]

So yeah, any advice at all from those who have been there is more than welcome.

As a retired domestic relations paralegal of many years, I think more strategically:

You need to consult with a good lawyer at this point more than a therapist. YOU, alone, without him.

You need to do this before you make ANY decisions. Because he may be playing divorce chess, already. You need a lawyer on your side right now, even regarding how to legally get him out of a marital home, without him turning it around and claiming that YOU wanted a divorce, not him. Yeah, that happens.

You deserve as much child support and whatever other equitable relief as you can possibly get. So you need a lawyer to navigate this. Stay pissed off; it’s useful. Pity isn’t, remorse isn’t, etc. You already have the right attitude all around, you know this is his fault. It’s the end. So end it via a good attorney. And that attorney can often make him help you pay for the cost of the attorney.

A man who says that kind of stuff to you isn’t worth “counseling.” No counseling can undo that damage. That’s permanent stuff. He meant to cut your jugular, that was meant to a be permanent end to the relationship. He fully intended to cause you and the relationship permanent damage with those words.

Make a note of exactly what he said, verbatim, so you can tell your lawyer.

My heart goes out to you. You have a struggle ahead, but try to think positively. Hugs.

[allegro]

@eachpassingphase - Something I'd like to add, here:

I know it might sound pretty alarmist, but the news is filled with cases where guys in your husband's position did some pretty horrible things. Like, criminal kinds of horrible things to not have to pay child support etc. when they want to run off with another woman.

So in case that's even a slight possibility, and given the things he said to you, and his current situation and mentality, the safest thing you can do is keep really quiet about yourself, the children and your plans, and seek the help of a lawyer as quickly as possible. You need to be concerned about your own safety as well as the safety of your children right now. If he doesn't sound like "himself," he especially might "do" something that is not himself in order to make his life much simpler, by eliminating the "baggage" if you know what I mean. You don't want to be a headline in the news.

If he really wanted a divorce, he'd already be out. But, I suspect he's not for one reason: Money. Like, in child support being garnished from his pay, etc. etc.

I'm concerned for your well-being as well as your children's. Seek some help as soon as you can, okay?

[eachpassingphase]

@eachpassingphase - Something I'd like to add, here:

I know it might sound pretty alarmist, but the news is filled with cases where guys in your husband's position did some pretty horrible things. Like, criminal kinds of horrible things to not have to pay child support etc. when they want to run off with another woman.

So in case that's even a slight possibility, and given the things he said to you, and his current situation and mentality, the safest thing you can do is keep really quiet about yourself, the children and your plans, and seek the help of a lawyer as quickly as possible. You need to be concerned about your own safety as well as the safety of your children right now. If he doesn't sound like "himself," he especially might "do" something that is not himself in order to make his life much simpler, by eliminating the "baggage" if you know what I mean. You don't want to be a headline in the news.

If he really wanted a divorce, he'd already be out. But, I suspect he's not for one reason: Money. Like, in child support being garnished from his pay, etc. etc.

I'm concerned for your well-being as well as your children's. Seek some help as soon as you can, okay?

I hear everything you just said, because I’m having a moment of clarity. I’m also going to get an STI check just to make absolutely sure.

Thank you to everyone for your support and kind words. I am grateful for this community.


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[Jinsai]

That's insane, and I'm so sorry. You've been with him for this many years and not seen anything like this from him? I know this might sound insane, but he hasn't sustained any serious head injuries or trauma to the skull recently, or had a stroke or anything like that?

But yes, above all else, talk with a lawyer and get people in your corner legally asap.