So I wanted to pop back into this thread for some updates. A few months ago I had shared about my marriage, and a lot has transpired since then. Most notably - he has officially moved out.
I've been up and down with how I feel about things, but I found a new therapist that I really click with and I'm going weekly now. I've come to the realization that my husband always been shitty to me. I grew up in a family where every generation dealt with the most insane levels of domestic violence. As a consequence, more subtle forms of emotional abuse went totally unnoticed by me. I knew he was emotionally abusing me in the last few months, but that stuff was always there in less direct ways. He withholds affection when he doesn't like things you've done or said, he always thinks he's the smartest person in the room (he's undeniably bright, but he doesn't know everything), he holds grudges over petty things and never lets you forget about them etc. I can count on one hand the amount of times he's sincerely apologized to me in 11 years. Meanwhile, I found myself apologizing constantly.
I felt really stupid once I figured that out. I don't tolerate anybody else treating me that way, and I usually pick up on that sort of thing in other people really quickly. But it never dawned on me that he was sort of a narcissist the whole time. I mentioned that to my therapist, and he was like "I'm literally trained to do this for my job, and I don't always pick up on it either. Don't be so hard on yourself, this can happen to anybody."
Do I miss my husband? Not at all. I miss being a wife, but I don't miss being his wife. I hate that the life I was building with him turned out to be a lie. I hate that my youngest is now confused and her life will be affected in ways I can't explain to her due to her disabilities. But do I want him back? Not even a little. It's nice to not have to check in with another adult before every little thing. It's nice that my house is always clean now. It's nice that I don't have to listen to somebody complain constantly about everything. It's nice to not have to ask somebody "are you mad at me?" once a day because they are sulking in a corner somewhere and not telling me what's wrong.
His behavior has only gotten uglier since he moved out. Just constant lies about what happened between us. We've followed each other's accounts on reddit for years, and I think he forgot that. So I see all his damn posts. He made some comment in a reddit thread the other day about how I "surprised" him with divorce by packing up all his shit. Which is obviously a lie. He was also mad that I unfriended him on Facebook. Remember - this is a man who made sure to tell me how selfish, unemotional and unattractive I am repeatedly for months on his way out the door. Why do you want to be Facebook friends with me? I didn't unfriend him as a punitive measure, I unfriended him because we aren't fucking friends.
He's getting everything he wants, so why is he so angry at me? What's with the lying to strangers on the internet? It's so bizarre.
Anyway, this whole thing will hopefully be legally concluded this fall. It has made me extremely wary of dating or remarrying again in the future. Maybe one day I'll date again, but I never want to share finances or a house with anybody again. I'm too paranoid about my daughter's safety to bring another dude into my house, and I'm too paranoid about my own judgement to trust anybody romantically since I clearly didn't recognize how awful he really was.
In conclusion, I'm actually doing ok practically speaking and no longer heartbroken. Mostly just mad at myself right now.
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Originally Posted by eachpassingphase
