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Thread: The Friendship Thread

  1. #1
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    The Friendship Thread

    For quite some time I thought of making a thread about friendships and acquaintanceships in real life. (And after seeing how successful the thread about lovers was, I thought of giving a thread about friendship a shot.) How is your circle of friends? Are you a social butterfly or a lone wolf? Or are you a hybrid of both? Is it easy for you to make friends? Does making friends also get harder as you age, or does it actually get easier? And not that it should really matter, but did you ever become popular within a large group of friends too?

    As for me, I mostly have acquaintances, and most of my close friends just grew apart from relocating, clashes due to misunderstandings, or pursuing different interests and endeavors or being hectic with work and/or school. I also noticed that friends seem to drift apart after finding love, or starting a career too. I understand that there are, and can be exceptions, but that often seems to be the case as well. And yes, it has left me alone for the most part, that is unless I'm at occasions such as family gatherings, weddings, funerals, or birthday parties with friends, family, and/or acquaintances.
    Last edited by Halo Infinity; 08-24-2013 at 05:41 PM.

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    I have a few close friends, but a lot of acquaintances. But I've always been someone who much prefers a relatively small "inner circle" than 500 people I have to keep in constant contact with. I'm also an introvert, so I've never been all that outgoing when it comes to making new friends and meeting new people. But I've devoted a lot of energy to changing that. Some days are better than others, though. I'm usually much more outgoing when I'm out at a gig since I'm in a place where I'm more "in my element". Then again, most of my best friends are ones I've met online.
    I've had friends drift apart from me after starting jobs or finding love, so I know how much that can hurt. That's why I always try extra hard to maintain close friendships if anything like that happens in my life (even though I don't have a job outside the music world and my love life is, for lack of a better word, dead). Then again, I've never been someone who absolutely has to talk to someone every single day for four hours. Most of my friends and I can comfortably go for days or weeks without talking and not losing a single beat the next time we talk or get together.
    And despite what most people would have you believe, making friends is not something that gets easier as you get older. I sucked at making friends when I was a child, and mostly I still suck at it today. You just have to know your strengths and work with them.

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    I am a total loner. Always have been. Making friends seems to be difficult for me, both IRL and online.

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    I have a small circle of friends (a big portion of whom I know from here <3 OH YOU GUYS) and an even smaller circle of ones that I'm really close to. I think that maybe on some level I'm just kinda awkward and don't meet that many people. Also, I've totally got some sort of little wounded chip on my shoulder somewhere inside my brain where I just figure that I'm not really the person people end up wanting to be close with, when in reality it's probably that I'm just bad at establishing that dynamic or something. Maybe I'm bad at it. I dunno.

    Also, some of my greatest friendships were so unexpected.

    ALSO THIS VIDEO FOREVER

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    Well, I've had the same friends for years now but it feels like we all drift apart at times. I go days without talking to them and then we'd randomly hang out. Socially, I'm super fucking awkward. I have a hard time thinking of how to respond to anything cause I just don't know what to say. I don't go out much either, and I don't talk to much people outside of my friend zone.

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    The way friends drift apart is what usually caught me off guard. I used to expect people to actually say goodbye and explain why they're leaving, but it's often done through silence and distance alone. It sort of feels a bit out there and unreal to me, but I suppose that's what happens when I grew up getting used to expecting such things to be admitted and explained. It's like out of nowhere they'd just find ways to tell me they're busy, and I'm not saying that they're all lying, but perhaps it's a hint I should've learned to take a long time ago. One of them even told me that he'd rather not have me call him and that he'd call me.

    As far as making friends, that's always been a challenge for me, considering that I'm not even fond of hanging out in large groups. A small circle of friends, or even going in one-on-one seemed more preferable to me, but that also depends on how well I even get along with them to start with. Another thing I noticed in friendships is that friends usually seem to expect everybody to accept their friends, family, and loved ones. Not getting along with all or any of them is bound to prevent you from making and keeping friends.

    I've never understood why people just don't try to be accommodating in matters such as that. If I was friends with two or more people that hated each other, I'd try to make a way for them to not cross paths if I were to spend time with them. Then again, I could somewhat, and ironically understand why that would be a complete waste of time, effort, and energy for some, or even lots of people.

    (It also turns out that I've only recently realized how complex and challenging making and keeping friends can really be. It's quite the paradoxical crapshoot combined with hard work and dumb luck. I also used to think that having most of the same interests and time to hang out together and have fun was just about all I need, but even that's sometimes not enough.)
    Last edited by Halo Infinity; 09-05-2013 at 11:20 PM.

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    I miss these guys so much. This was a picture of me and my friends used for our grindcore / post-hardcore band called Dick Ford.

    Oh Myspace and scene kid days.
    Last edited by thefragile_jake; 09-30-2013 at 11:04 PM.

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    I really am convinced that perhaps one of my biggest problems with making friends is that I'm bad at teasing. I also don't understand it. I don't see why I'd have to do that in order to make and keep friends. I also noticed that me being bad at teasing, or not wanting anything to do with teasing has deterred other people from wanting to get to know me. I'm also referring to real life interactions by the way, but it has also certainly affected online interactions as well.

    And it wasn't always because I was upset or in a bad mood. From the looks of it analyzing jokes kills not only the jokes, but their mood. I've been called a kill-joy because of that. And then when I questioned the nature of teasing, it seemed to make people want to leave me ASAP. I learned to just keep those questions to myself since then, as I have also noticed they get defensive when you question the motives behind their teasing.

    And from the looks of it, this makes people think I'm always serious. To me, it's more about being safe than it is about being serious. I wouldn't want to mess with the wrong guy at the wrong time, nor run such a risk. It doesn't mean I've lost my ability to laugh altogether. I'm just a bit more reserved and guarded when it comes to it. However, it sometimes seems like lots of people wouldn't want to hang out with a guarded person. (Which was another reason why I avoid large groups.)
    Last edited by Halo Infinity; 10-03-2013 at 08:14 PM.

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    The Friendship Thread

    I still talk all the time with a girlfriend I've had for FORTY YEARS as of next year.

    Besides her and my husband, I currently have two other best friends: one I met on here in 2004; one was my college art prof I met in 2004.

    Besides them (and my mom), that's it. I have acquaintances but I don't consider them "friends."

    I have always focused on quality vs. quantity when it comes to friends.
    Last edited by Cat Mom; 10-03-2013 at 09:39 PM.

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    I have about 3 friends and my sister who I get on well with but lives abroad with my mum. I have never had a load of friends and I prefer it that way tbh.

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    I find myself to be exactly the same way. I'd like to have friends that are like brothers and sisters I never had.

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    I have a handful of friends who I would do anything in my power for. The type who I can go a month without speaking to, and it is as if we never missed a moment.

    Then, I have a pretty big circle of people I can party and hang out with.

    But shit is about to change, as I'm moving to a place where I know exactly two people. My greatest fear is of losing those few genuine friends.

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    I think I've made my first female acquaintance that's purely platonic. It's interesting, but weirdly I think I've had all my life to prepare for it. Raised by my mother mostly, with my two sisters not that far behind. Most of the effective teachers I had growing up were women as well.

    I'm liking it.

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    I think a good two to three friends would be great right about now. I kind of see how and why it obviously increases reasons to go out and hang out. One on one interaction is still good, but I've figured we'd have to have a real good rapport, since it's still possible to have some or even lots of things in common, but still not get along due to a lack of acceptance or tolerance in some areas, or just flat-out misunderstandings.

    Two to three people seems like a nice limit for me as far as socializing in real life goes. And when it comes to traveling and just going out, especially late at night, I'll admit that there is an added safety and convenience that isn't there as much, or even altogether when you're all alone. For instance you can get rides if you can't drive or won't drive, with some added safety in numbers, etc.

    I also didn't realize that friends that usually hang out with each other in real life, hang out when they're only located at walking distances from one another. I didn't realize that driving or using public transportation for even under an hour was too much for lots of people. For instance, a drive or a ride that takes 20 minutes to 45 minutes to hang out is too much out of the way for some or even lots of people.
    Last edited by Halo Infinity; 10-07-2013 at 11:01 PM.

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    i went from having a slew of friends to keeping just a few close ones, a result of giving up most of my nightlife and realizing who was really a friend vs. a glorified acquaintance. i'm more or less ok with this, as the few people i hang out with on a regular basis are wonderful and are people i can count on. quality > quantity these days.

    in general, i get along better with girls and have more close female friends overall, though one of my closest friends these days is a dude (and a board member- ha!), as was my ex-best friend.

    i knew my "best friend" (at the time) from fourth grade until recently. we always had a compilcated relationship- his family was very kind and generous with both their money and their company in a time when i was going through a rough period with my parents' divorce and the subsequent fallout. however, my friend in general, was always too aloof, clueless, and unknowingly mean and selfish at my expense. a brief example: i would tell him i was interested in someone, and he'd date her almost within the week, break her heart, and move on to the next girl without so much as a moment's consideration for my feelings. he would also call up on christmas morning and gloat about all the expensive gifts he got for christmas. both of those things sound minor, but these sort of incidents kept happening over the course of our 20 year friendship. there was always competition between us, and while most of it made me a better person in the long run, it still hurt incredibly over the years.

    despite all this, we were incredibly close, shared many important experiences together, had some great memories. he was the best man AND officient at my wedding, though we technically were married in city hall the day before.

    we stopped talking in 2010 or so, over an incident with his relationship choices (cheating/etc. on his fiancee) and insulting me directly about a band i was in. we became friends again after a year, and quickly fell off again after he made a similar mistake. it's a long story, but needless to say it's probably for the best, even though it feels like losing your brother... at this point in time, we're civil with each other to the point of brief, catch-up emails, but i can't imagine we'll ever be close friends again, nor should we...

    meanwhile, i just heard he had a kid (he is the most selfishly irresponsible person i've ever known) and this bums me out to no end, but i do hope that it helps him to become a stronger, better person and a good father. here's hoping...
    Last edited by frankie teardrop; 10-08-2013 at 10:29 AM.

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    The Friendship Thread

    I don't understand friendship!
    my borderline personality disorder is to thank for that!
    i never have had or ever will have a close friend (not counting the missus) I can't grasp the idea, the plus points etc, I have no interest in friendship or friends, and I can't understand if it would be good to have one? I have mates, but they are just people I know, but wouldn't call them friends, as I've said I don't understand the concept, I can see it exists with other people, the "bond" they have, and I can be curious about it, I've asked my care worker about "friends" and he kinda assured me it's my illness that stops me from getting any kinda grasp on this "phenomenon" in my world, friend or friendship is just a word, that I'll never fully understand the meaning of,

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    I've got a few close friends and a decent amount of acquaintances. I guess I've always been that way.

    I know I've mentioned her about a billion times here, but I have the most incredible friendship with my best friend. Thirteen years later (and seven years after I moved to another state) we're still just as close as we've ever been and it still amazes me. I don't know what I'd do without her and I can honestly say my life would be so much poorer without her in it.
    Last edited by theruiner; 10-08-2013 at 06:09 PM.

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    Quote Originally Posted by theruiner View Post
    I've got a few close friends and a decent amount of acquaintances. I guess I've always been that way.

    I know I've mentioned her about a billion times here, but I have the most incredible friendship with my best friend. Thirteen years later (and seven years after I moved to another state) we're still just as close as we've ever been and it still amazes me. I don't know what I'd do without her and I can honestly say my life would be so much poorer without her in it.
    I have a friend just like that. I've known her for years, and we're more like brother and sister than friends most of the time. She disappeared for a few years because of a bad relationship she was in, but as soon as she got out of it, she called me the very next day and it was immediately like no time had passed between us at all, and we're closer now than we were before.

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    I'm referring to hanging out with friends in real life. I'm well aware that it's completely different when it comes to Internet realms/standards.

    I really think what I'm looking for, is to just be able to spend time with close friends, and make close friends, or spend time with acquaintances that I'd respect/cherish as if they were family. The more the merrier as a means to kill time and fill space doesn't really mean that much or anything to me, as I've always searched for quality over quantity. In retrospect, I sort of see why I shouldn't have verbalized that in real life as it made me look arrogant and obnoxious. I still have to accept that it does get harder to make friends as you age though.

    I also just wanted to get that off my chest, as I forgot about that for a while. I'm also sorry if that looked stuck up, since that's not my intention behind saying that at all.

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    ever since i changed careers from soul sucking customer service to something more creative and in line with my interests, i've been meeting loads of really awesome and like-minded people but am really struggling to turn acquaintances into friendships. i've invited some of the people i've really hit it off with out for coffee or a drink or for instance to a smallish casual halloween party i'm having this weekend but nothing ever comes from it and i don't want to come off as super desperate by making loads of attempts. why is it so hard to make a work friend into a normal friend. *sigh*
    Last edited by rhet; 10-28-2013 at 10:52 PM.

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    What puzzles me even more is that it's very easy for some people. I've seen pictures on Facebook, and they seem to be partying and hanging out with whoever they could find at work/school. (But for all I know, it's probably not as glamorous as it looks behind the scenes.)

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    The Friendship Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by rhet View Post
    . why is it so hard to make a work friend into a normal friend. *sigh*
    I remember a woman I worked with upon telling her I got a new job said : "great, now we can really be friends."

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    Quote Originally Posted by Kris View Post
    What puzzles me even more is that it's very easy for some people. I've seen pictures on Facebook, and they seem to be partying and hanging out with whoever they could find at work/school. (But for all I know, it's probably not as glamorous as it looks behind the scenes.)
    yeah i certainly wouldn't take Facebook as an accurate representation of someone's life thats for sure. everyone is curating their identity on there. the other day i read something along the lines of practice practice practice and make mistakes but only post it online once you get it right so it looks like you got it the first time. except more clever. but you get the point.

    Quote Originally Posted by Dra508 View Post
    I remember a woman I worked with upon telling her I got a new job said : "great, now we can really be friends."
    how strange. the weird part for me is that i work with a different crew every time so its not like our friendship would get in the way of our ongoing professional relationship. instead, you work really closely with people for a few days, make a bond and then just never see them ever again. which makes me sad lol
    Last edited by rhet; 10-28-2013 at 11:12 PM. Reason: fixed double post

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    Quote Originally Posted by rhet View Post
    the weird part for me is that i work with a different crew every time so its not like our friendship would get in the way of our ongoing professional relationship. instead, you work really closely with people for a few days, make a bond and then just never see them ever again. which makes me sad lol
    What you think is weird, maybe exactly why people don't invest in friendships. They figure they aren't going to see you again. Not that life is a sitcom, but how many of those shows are about people working together and being friends. I'll qualify that with - it's usually when you're first starting out in the working world that work and friendship is combined, just like school and friendship. It's when you get older and you have all these different sets of friends, then marriage and family take a lot of time. Next thing you know, you are going to work, whatever that might be, saying 'I don't need more friends'.

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    I used to have quite a few friends, but as time went by we all kind of went our separate ways I suppose.
    I've also lost a fucking TON of confidence in the last few years, so that keeps me at home by myself most of the time...
    I feel like I'm really starting to feel the effects of that lately, though.

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    Quote Originally Posted by rhet View Post
    yeah i certainly wouldn't take Facebook as an accurate representation of someone's life thats for sure. everyone is curating their identity on there. the other day i read something along the lines of practice practice practice and make mistakes but only post it online once you get it right so it looks like you got it the first time. except more clever. but you get the point.
    That's probably just among the reasons why it probably wasn't always as it seemed to be. I've seen people in pictures of them of partying with lots of friends and acquaintances, and posts of them joking and laughing, yet they happen to also post about loneliness, anger, emptiness, boredom, and depressing. It's hard for me to imagine people being lonely with lots of friends, sex, drinking, and partying. (With the exception of getting burnt out and getting sent to intensive care units, breaking the law, or just having a really shitty job.) You'd think they'd be in Heaven. It boggles my mind, as I'm also the type of person that doesn't pretend to be happy. I don't see the point in that.
    Last edited by Halo Infinity; 11-02-2013 at 10:46 PM.

  27. #27
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    Quote Originally Posted by Dra508 View Post
    I remember a woman I worked with upon telling her I got a new job said : "great, now we can really be friends."
    This is so true. I have a lot of people I'm 'friendly' with, but they are my customers. Until there's no money between them and me, I don't feel like we can truly be friends. Because so much of my time is taken with my customers and my work, I don't really have time for friends, but my husband is my friend. There's a few people who are customers who I feel like would be friends if I wasn't in the business that I am. I have made some acquaintances at the school I go to, but it could not be defined as friend level yet. I don't take the word friend lightly.

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    I don't take it lightly either. Sure, we all make mistakes and have flaws, but friendships in my opinion always take time and depth, and I'm realizing more and more that sometimes having some or even a lot of things in common isn't ever enough. It should be a bond akin to family, as if that person is your brother or sister. And of course, it's impossible to have everybody as a close friend, and I'm not trying to say that there's anything wrong with casual friends or acquaintances either. I'm merely just speaking for myself.

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    Sometimes I end up talking about my lack of close friends with my boyfriend (who comparatively has quite a few). Tonight was one of those nights. I just don't have many close friends.

    And talking on the phone? Like the only person I ever talk on the phone to is my boyfriend. Meeehhhh.

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    is talking on the phone required for making friends these days? maybe thats where I'm going wrong. I Skype happily with some of my long distance friends for hours but only ever talk on an actual phone with my husband or immediate family.

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