The Friendship Thread

[piggy]

Anyone lose touch with someone a REALLY long time ago? Ever had a major falling out with a bestie? There's hope...

I recently had my 20 year high school reunion and as a result of having to help contact people to come, I ended up getting back in touch with a close friend that I had been out of touch with for 17 years. Then, that same weekend, I got an apology from someone who was once my best friend and had hurt me pretty badly. We didn't bother speaking to each other for 10 years. She wasn't at my class reunion, but she got in touch with me after seeing pre-reunion stuff on Facebook. The one from 17 years ago couldn't be at the reunion, either. Both of these ladies live on the east coast. But it sure feels good to have no more dangling shit from the past, or missing puzzle pieces.

[Halo Infinity]

I've only really had temporary acquaintances for the past 4-5 years. Never been able to actively keep in contact with anyone for more than a year without being forced to see them regularly because of stuff like school.

While I've known it's been inevitable for quite some time, just being in my 30s has helped me further realize just how easy it is to "fall off the face of the Earth" socially even without actually any intentional efforts whatsoever the older you get.

It hit me again more and more when I realized that just about everybody I know my age or at least just a few years both younger and and older are now married with children, own homes and careers/jobs being a given while also being done with school altogether. Unless there's some special occasion or something to do with families and/or churches in my case personally, then that's it. And as selfish as this, I now have a feeling just wanting to do what I want to do is not helping either, even if I do my best to not impose on anybody or be pushy in any way, shape or form. I do my best to listen as much as possible, and accommodate if/whenever I can, but even that's sometimes not enough to prevent myself from ending up alone, aside from my parents/family. I've also fallen into this loop of logic thinking that if I'm alone, at least I'm bothering zero people and zero people are bothering me. But in spite of all that, I still also believe that aside from a family in good rapport, good friendships can also make for a happy and healthy life too, so it still leaves me a bit conflicted, but I still get it.

I also haven't really tried to get close to anybody at work either, since I try not to make friends on a whim, if not due being cautious from so many bad experiences or people (Including myself.) being so much more trouble than they're worth (That could also be a little bit of misanthropy speaking.), plus I'm at a point in my life where I have absolutely no desire or reason to mess with anybody nor be messed with, it was also based on the fact that it's really a lot more difficult than I thought and it just made me realize as to why it's harder as an adult, especially when you're looking for an excellent rapport and an actual connection without everything just being phoned in the fill the silence and pass the time. Not to mention, at least to me, keeping your professional and personal life absolutely separate still seems to be the among the best advice I've taken regarding the workplace as it helped keep me out of trouble if not minimize it immensely.

All this didn't really hit me the way it did until now, and it ultimately gave me more insight as to how the middle aged and elderly also end up so alone aside from health/financial/marital issues/reasons and/or death.

In spite of all this, I'm still all for good family and friends. (Since even cousins can sometimes be like friends.)

[piggy]

It's funny that you mention cousins. I consider some of my cousins to be some of my best friends. I get to see a portion of them every summer, but as I continue to bond with them, I wish I could see them more often. It seems like it's really difficult for us to get together, though. I feel like we have to say, "I'll see ya when I see ya." It really sucks.

[theruiner]

One of my closest friends (and the only close friend that lives near me) is moving out of state in a few months and I'm already getting sad. I'm trying not to. But it hit me tonight that she's going to be leaving soon. I'm going to try not to focus on it and just enjoy her company as much as I can. But god damn, am I going to miss her. I'm tearing up just writing this.

[piggy]

Oh, that's awful. Here's a huge hug for you.

One of my friends moved away just as I was getting to know her. We bonded over the phone quite a bit and became closer, but then she went through some stuff that caused her to switch that off. It's been almost two and a half years since I've seen her and I'm hoping I'll be able to soon, but she never knows when she's gonna make it out here for real.

[theruiner]

Thank you. I'm sorry you went through that, too.

And yeah, that shit is tough. My best friend lives across the country and I haven't seen her in two years. I miss her terribly. This living far away thing suuuucks.

[ManBurning]

One of my closest friends (and the only close friend that lives near me) is moving out of state in a few months and I'm already getting sad. I'm trying not to. But it hit me tonight that she's going to be leaving soon. I'm going to try not to focus on it and just enjoy her company as much as I can. But god damn, am I going to miss her. I'm tearing up just writing this.

Yep. I lost a friend to him moving away this summer as well. We grew up together in the same city in central Canada and then I moved to the west coast in 2006, fate brought him out here as well, but he officially packed his bags and left for the province next to me on August 30th. Now I have no friends left. It sucks. My girlfriend and I have lost 3 different groups of friends to them moving away in the last 3 years. Now all we have is each other. We have been trying hard to meet new people, but it's next to impossible when you are in your 30s.

When I was younger, I used to wonder why parents/grandparents never had any friends anymore. It was generally something I didn't understand. I thought to myself "Why not just stay friends." now as an adult in my 30s now, I understand that it just comes natural. Nobody plans to break away from their friends and just one day to decide they don't want friends anymore. Life just gets in the way, unfortunately.

I've been really lonely/depressed these last couple months after realizing we basically have no more friends left. It's a hard thing to come to terms with.

[piggy]

It could get better, though. Different people are at different stages of life all the time. I had friends I thought I'd never see or hear from again, but once they had adulted for a while, they realized they were ready to get back to working at friendships again. One piece of advice I can offer is to do friendship with direct contact instead of social media. I think it's far more meaningful to shoot some texts back and forth and to set up some phone conversations than to have some interaction on Facebook or what have you. I have friends where I literally have to, like, make "appointments" with them to have a phone call. It sounds silly, but it's totally worth it. Works much better than playing phone tag and never getting the timing right. That direct, heart-to-heart, take the time to touch base thing makes all the difference. Your mileage may vary, of course.

[Halo Infinity]

It could get better, though. Different people are at different stages of life all the time. I had friends I thought I'd never see or hear from again, but once they had adulted for a while, they realized they were ready to get back to working at friendships again. One piece of advice I can offer is to do friendship with direct contact instead of social media. I think it's far more meaningful to shoot some texts back and forth and to set up some phone conversations than to have some interaction on Facebook or what have you.

It took me so long to realize this because I kept using the Internet as a crutch and a shortcut as a means of socializing in hopes to make new friends from 2000 to 2015. I've always written much better than I spoke, so it was only natural for me to become much more comfortable with E-mail, texting and social media.

As sad or even ridiculous/lame as this will inevitably sound to some, this is also my exact reason for getting absolutely addicted to social media and Internet forums, as I was using both types of sites to fill in the void of lacking real life friends. It also taught me that most people would rather be called or spoken to face to face, as typing would also seem like a chore to them, let alone actual work. And then there's the fact that one must also make time for friends in person in real life anyway.

It also taught me and/or also helped me further realize that if any friend I ever had kept declining phone calls that perhaps it's best/time to just let it go and move on, even if you're still in amicable terms. Either that friend has also moved on and that the friendship is over, or that friends just might be too busy or having a hard time with life, and would rather not share it with me.

I have friends where I literally have to, like, make "appointments" with them to have a phone call. It sounds silly, but it's totally worth it. Works much better than playing phone tag and never getting the timing right. That direct, heart-to-heart, take the time to touch base thing makes all the difference. Your mileage may vary, of course.

For real. As a matter of fact, as rare as the occurrences were, that's the only thing that's actually worked for me too. I still try to be careful as I've been hurt so much in the past, yet at the same time, like other aspects of life, you really just win some or lose some, and it would just be impossible without taking any type of risk whatsoever.

It still blows my mind how easy it is to end up alone even when you're not even trying to be alone as you age though. Of course, interests, priorities and boundaries are ever-changing and all, as always, but it's still just incredible as it is astounding as to how friends can quickly vanish in droves, even on good or even excellent terms as life passes by to me. Speaking of which, especially for my parents as retirees, discussions about which friend passed away has become a normal topic of discussion sometimes, aside from family.

But yes, I figured appointments are the best in regards to making plans with friends. It's just easier should there be accommodations available once everything is settled, organized and punctual.

[piggy]

For real. As a matter of fact, as rare as the occurrences were, that's the only thing that's actually worked for me too. I still try to be careful as I've been hurt so much in the past, yet at the same time, like other aspects of life, you really just win some or lose some, and it would just be impossible without taking any type of risk whatsoever.

It still blows my mind how easy it is to end up alone even when you're not even trying to be alone as you age though. Of course, interests, priorities and boundaries are ever-changing and all, as always, but it's still just incredible as it is astounding as to how friends can quickly vanish in droves, even on good or even excellent terms as life passes by to me. Speaking of which, especially for my parents as retirees, discussions about which friend passed away has become a normal topic of discussion sometimes, aside from family.

But yes, I figured appointments are the best in regards to making plans with friends. It's just easier should there be accommodations available once everything is settled, organized and punctual.

I feel you so much. I'm in this fucking odd position of being single and childless and not super-duper busy, while most of my friends are some variation of the opposite of that. It makes it automatically harder for both parties to relate to each other, and it means that I do end up being much more alone than I should be. But I'd almost rather have that quality-over-quantity thing with my closest friends than have a bunch of surface social media relationships that consist of little more than pleasantries. I thrive on "frientimacy" and I find it very hard to get people who aren't my all-time BFFs to open up and be vulnerable with me. I want them to, because we all deal with hard shit and I'd love to be able to help someone out. And like you, I do get hurt in friendships sometimes. We all have some friends who are extra flaky and it leads to unintentional hurt, especially if you already deal with depression in the first place.

[ItsChrisRoss]

Yesterday I decided to cut ties with a friend because the friendship no longer felt good to me. I constantly felt like I was putting in more effort than this person and each time I tried to bring it to their attention, the told me they were tired of hearing about it and minimized my feelings. I could no longer deal with constantly feeling bad about feeling bad, so I cut ties. I'm mourning the friendship a bit but know its for the better. What a shame.

[piggy]

I've been in a friendship kind of like that, more than once. It really blows, but I know you'll be better off. Fucking social vampires. How long were you friends? Does this person's behavior seem out of character or did you kind of see it coming?

[ItsChrisRoss]

I've been in a friendship kind of like that, more than once. It really blows, but I know you'll be better off. Fucking social vampires. How long were you friends? Does this person's behavior seem out of character or did you kind of see it coming?

I’m assuming your response was to me? Their behavior was not out of character. It’s been like this for a while. We became friends last December and things were pretty good until about July. I just felt like I was always trying harder. Trying to reach out more. Trying to make plans more. Trying to make them feel better more. Trying to be there for them more. So when I started getting frustrated at always making more of an effort than them, I voiced it. And every single time, they shut me down. Didn’t want to hear it, didn’t want to talk about it, was tired of hearing about it, totally minimized my feelings. It got to the point where I was too worried and too scared to tell them how I was feeling because I worried they would get frustrated again and shut down. It’s kind of like a relationship that you slowly see ending. The more you think about ending it, the more you know in your gut it needs to end. I guess I just feel a bit lonely now and it’s been hard not to reach back out but I’m proud of myself for not giving in.


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[piggy]

Yeah, sorry. Should have quoted you. That super sucks about your friend. Some people are too selfish or immature to be in adult friendships, I guess.

[Halo Infinity]

I don't know why or even how it took me so long, aside from the fact that I thought some of the friendships I had would last forever, but dwelling on this topic for the past 10 to 15 years has finally made me get a much better understanding of the desire to relocate and start all over should the opportunity come to fruition, even if the location had great jobs and places to go to. I finally get it now.

[Halo Infinity]

I think out of all questions to ask, I didn't ask this one. Although I probably mentioned it already if my memory isn't mistaken, but I didn't ask it in the form of a question.

Anyway, it is really true that most friendships at some point are divided between the single and the married and the parents and the non-parents?

Now, I know it's possible to be friends, regardless of marital status or whether or not you're a parent, but at least to me, that seemed to be true, and have also been told that as well.

Most married couples I've seen are usually friends with other married couples, and most parents are also friends with other parents, just like how most single people and/or non-parents tend to hang out together, especially when it comes to all sorts of actual occasions and get-togethers.

[Pillfred]

Couldn't find the Question thread so here I am. I bought a T-Mobile card by mistake $50 if anyone uses them its up for grabs. I can give you teh numbers.

[allegate]

[piggy]

I have a best friend who has been in my life for 19 years and I think we love and understand each other in a way that no one else in our lives probably ever has. I have a couple of other people who have labeled me their best friend at some point, but this particular lady is the one, I think. We went through so many formative experiences together as teenagers and I actually think we were best friends from day one, we just didn't know it yet.

I have these two girls I was very close friends with in high school whom I haven't seen or heard from for at least a decade now. I have almost no idea what's going on with them now and no idea if I'll ever see them again. They were kind of what you call "frenemies" so it's not a big deal, but it's just weird to go from one extreme to the other later on in life.

Quoting myself from 2014... My, how things change...

The BFF from the first part above turned out to be a pretty awful friend and I don't engage her in the same way at all anymore. Sad, but these things happen sometimes. The two girls from the second part got back on my radar in 2018 and 2019. It's now crystal clear after many conversations that they were the ones who knew/understood me better than anyone else. They love and respect me very deeply, and in a way that's tangible and can never be doubted. They feel like HOME. That former BFF doesn't really get me at all. I thought that friendship was me "coming home" but no. That home has grass grown up around it and holes in the windows. My real home with the other two friends is warm and inviting and there's always a sense of security.

[Magnetic]

I really miss the energy boost I'd get from talking with friends.
I moved over a year ago, and I'm still just isolated and alone. Video chat with my partner is minimal as they're depressed from extended lockdown. Our cat is dying of liver issues, and I'm never going to be able to cuddle it again.

I've basically been in lockdown since the beginning, and my usual friend group are partnered up/ have video conferencing burnout from work, so they're never really inclined to talk much. While the COVID vaccine has promise, I'm not likely to get it anytime soon due to how they seem to be prioritizing people. It's likely going to be another 9-12 months, if I'm lucky.

I'm just sinking into something that feels all too familiar, and I know it isn't the best thing for me. The lack of conversation or connection is starting to chip away at me. I'm not living. I'm barely existing.

[piggy]

I really miss the energy boost I'd get from talking with friends.
I moved over a year ago, and I'm still just isolated and alone. Video chat with my partner is minimal as they're depressed from extended lockdown. Our cat is dying of liver issues, and I'm never going to be able to cuddle it again.

I've basically been in lockdown since the beginning, and my usual friend group are partnered up/ have video conferencing burnout from work, so they're never really inclined to talk much. While the COVID vaccine has promise, I'm not likely to get it anytime soon due to how they seem to be prioritizing people. It's likely going to be another 9-12 months, if I'm lucky.

I'm just sinking into something that feels all too familiar, and I know it isn't the best thing for me. The lack of conversation or connection is starting to chip away at me. I'm not living. I'm barely existing.

I'm sorry. I feel you somewhat. There have been plenty of times this year where it's like pulling teeth to get convos to happen with my friends. And what's been super hard lately for me is that I went through a friendship breakup. I only knew her for about 4 years, but it still hurts and it threw me for a loop. This is a hell of a time for friends to be absent or to walk away. Hugs to you.

[Swykk]

Was it always this hard to make new friends or am I just older and riddled with anxiety and depression now? The added caveat of “online” probably makes it more difficult too.

I’ve been trying to make new friends with a couple people I think are cool. One here (as well as on Twitter and Instagram), the other on Twitter but neither have followed me back. I don’t want to make things weird and ask why. Do I just give up and keep being supportive and what not?

I’ve also had two real life friends die in the last few years and my other friends are starting to go in different directions which happens. I’ve had people I know reach out and tell me they want to be closer when this pandemic is over but how do I even do that? I don’t want to be a burden or an also ran. I don’t want to be the guy people feel sorry for.

I think this was easier when I was a kid lol

[allegate]

Maybe not so much focus on the first part but the last because that's definitely me.

Especially right now. I literally haven't seen another co-worker in a year other than the other seven who also come into the office every day. and somehow even then I haven't gotten 'close' to all of them and we barely talk. Literally the only other human beings I see on a daily basis and we can't find the time to get to know each other.

yes there's a pandemic and we're not supposed to stand close together but still that's pretty fuckin' wild, right?

[Magnetic]

I think this was easier when I was a kid lol

It was easier as children, because most of the time we're raised to attend play dates and activities in groups.
I'm fairly introverted, but as soon as I can I'm going to take classes in things that interest me and try to make friends. This constantly alone shit is done.

[piggy]

I’ve had people I know reach out and tell me they want to be closer when this pandemic is over but how do I even do that? I don’t want to be a burden or an also ran. I don’t want to be the guy people feel sorry for.

I would say don't be afraid to make yourself vulnerable. My interest and affection towards people that I care about goes up dramatically when they open up to me about their inner lives.

[allegro]

Meh, I gave up on the friend thing. My Mom hassled me my whole life, worried about how I wasn’t “social enough” etc. I ended up having a few close friends and very few acquaintances, and those few friendships lasted, literally, a lifetime. But I don’t live near them, anymore, and even those friendships fade. And the sad reality is that friends eventually DIE.

I don’t try. If it happens, it happens. But, yeah, it gets way harder when you get older. And even when you join clubs or take classes etc. with the intent of expanding your social circle, that often doesn’t work. You all say “yeah yeah we gotta get together sometime, totally.” And then nobody does.

[Erneuert]

Was it always this hard to make new friends or am I just older and riddled with anxiety and depression now? The added caveat of “online” probably makes it more difficult too.

I’ve been trying to make new friends with a couple people I think are cool. One here (as well as on Twitter and Instagram), the other on Twitter but neither have followed me back. I don’t want to make things weird and ask why. Do I just give up and keep being supportive and what not?

I’ve also had two real life friends die in the last few years and my other friends are starting to go in different directions which happens. I’ve had people I know reach out and tell me they want to be closer when this pandemic is over but how do I even do that? I don’t want to be a burden or an also ran. I don’t want to be the guy people feel sorry for.

I think this was easier when I was a kid lol

I’ll be your friend based solely on the fact that I created that gif you’re using as an avatar when TR did Copy Of A live for the first time way back when, when I was under the username Ryan. As soon as I saw him make that facial expression I knew it needed to be giffed, lol.

[Magnetic]

I don’t try. If it happens, it happens. But, yeah, it gets way harder when you get older. And even when you join clubs or take classes etc. with the intent of expanding your social circle, that often doesn’t work. You all say “yeah yeah we gotta get together sometime, totally.” And then nobody does.

Eh, I'll be trying out classes and such to be around people and just expand my existence. I doubt it'll kick off any deep friendships, but at least I'll be around other humans for an hour or two.

[klyrish]

Meh, I gave up on the friend thing. My Mom hassled me my whole life, worried about how I wasn’t “social enough” etc. I ended up having a few close friends and very few acquaintances, and those few friendships lasted, literally, a lifetime. But I don’t live near them, anymore, and even those friendships fade. And the sad reality is that friends eventually DIE.

I don’t try. If it happens, it happens. But, yeah, it gets way harder when you get older. And even when you join clubs or take classes etc. with the intent of expanding your social circle, that often doesn’t work. You all say “yeah yeah we gotta get together sometime, totally.” And then nobody does.

I've come to realize a shocking number of people are just narcissists, self-centered, self-absorbed, selfish, superficial, phony, and/or fake. I'm genuine, honest, and fiercely loyal. I go out of my way to have my friends' backs and to stay engaged with them. But I have limits and after a little while of little or no reciprocation, I stop putting anything in and just Irish goodbye.

I have two friends outside of my wife and brother at this point in my life. Everyone else from high school, college, jobs, and the large group of people I met when I first moved to Denver 11 years ago is gone from my life--usually by my choosing. It's just not worth the very limited time we have left to spend it with shit people who don't care about me, who only talk to me when they want/need something, and/or are only my "friend" when it's most convenient for them. People fucking suck and I don't waste my time with the vast, vast majority of them anymore.

[Swykk]

That’s fair and certainly part of my apprehension, @klyrish.

@Erneuert Done deal