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Thread: The Friendship Thread

  1. #61
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    my best friend and i met in 1987. he’s more family to me than most of my real family. i honestly don’t think i would have survived high school without him. we were like romy and michelle, and i wouldn’t trade it for anything. we came out to each other at the same time, but it never felt necessary. i feel so fortunate to say i’ve had this three-decade connection. he lives in seattle now, but we still text each other daily.
    Last edited by kel; 09-16-2018 at 04:08 PM.

  2. #62
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    Quote Originally Posted by somewhat_ View Post
    Some of mine were lost, as well, because I couldn’t tolerate all the bullshit in the relationship anymore. Sometimes you just have to move on. Others were lost because I had to purge them out of my life for me to be able to fix myself. If you want to recover as a drug addict it’s not a good idea to spend time with other drug addicts. I would say the majority of the ones losts, though, were just us slowly drifting apart.
    I've had so many fucking friends DIE since I left dallas, it's unreal. I've lost one insanely close friend per year on average due to drugs or suicide (and the two suicides involved being strung out on drugs.)

    I guess some of us make it and some of us don't.

  3. #63
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    Definitely no social butterfly here; 20 year high school reunion coming up, but I literally don't talk to anyone from high school anymore and there's only exactly one person from college that I still do. Coincidentally, she's the first person I came out to and we'd probably be more of a presence in each other's lives but she's moved out to California and has 4-year old twins now. Life has kind of taken us in substantially different directions, but we catch up for birthdays and meet up whenever she makes it back home to Michigan.

    Virtually all of my friends are really courtesy of the internet; even my partner came to be thanks to AOL back in 2002 lol. But there are a few co-workers that I definitely consider friends. One of them has become a real concert buddy - this year alone we've seen all of Radiohead, Primus and Nothing together. Basically stuff the hubby doesn't really care to see heh. There's also a girl from work that I've gotten hooked on Drag Race and Pokémon Go haha. She and I have also been doing the monthly wine dinners at Carrabba's with a few other people and that's been real great at getting me out of my shell. In all honesty though, I'm kind of a loner and that likely stems from my being an only child. I need quite a bit of me time to function normally, and I don't think that's out of selfishness so much as it is just what I was used to growing up.

  4. #64
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    I think it's really hard for me to go from being someone's acquaintance/school friend to being close friends. Like they know me as a goofball for as this time then if I start talking about suicide it would be really uncomfortable for them. Not that dark/depressing topics are all I talk about with close friends but it's...personal and reserved only for them.

  5. #65
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    Today I had lunch with a friend I hadn’t seen in 15 years. It had been that long since we lived in driving distance to each other (until now) but we wrote letters to each other once or twice a year. An antiquated means of communication, but effective enough to keep us connected. Conversation was easy and fluid and after three hours we finally paid the bill. Lovely to see her, and it also took me back to a time in my life that was more carefree.

    My best friend has been in my life since 1989. We know each other so well that our time together is effortless and natural. We haven’t lived close to each other in 15 years as well, and communicate mainly via text and meeting in person a few times a year. I miss phone calls. We used to talk on the phone all the time but with the advent of social media and texting she doesn’t like to talk on the phone anymore. I have never been on social media because to me it’s a surface connection and I want my connections to be deeper. We have somewhat come to accept both people have different viewpoints on what fulfills their needs for a connection.

    One of the most difficult things to accept is some friends are meant for certain periods of your life and then it’s best to let them go. I’ve been in situations where the other person did not reciprocate or initiate any type of connection and I tried for too long to maintain the friendship. It just made me feel worse.

    It is difficult to made friends as an adult, especially being an introvert. I’ve found the best way for me is to get involved in a group with a common purpose, like a book group or volunteer group and get to know the people in that group.

  6. #66
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    Quote Originally Posted by halo eighteen View Post

    Virtually all of my friends are really courtesy of the internet; even my partner came to be thanks to AOL back in 2002 lol. But there are a few co-workers that I definitely consider friends. One of them has become a real concert buddy - this year alone we've seen all of Radiohead, Primus and Nothing together. Basically stuff the hubby doesn't really care to see heh.
    Let me know if you need another concert buddy

    Quote Originally Posted by elevenism View Post
    I've had so many fucking friends DIE since I left dallas, it's unreal. I've lost one insanely close friend per year on average due to drugs or suicide (and the two suicides involved being strung out on drugs.)

    I guess some of us make it and some of us don't.
    Sorry to hear that. It’s definitely a struggle and I feel very lucky in a lot of ways.

  7. #67
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    Quote Originally Posted by somewhat_ View Post
    Let me know if you need another concert buddy
    For sure, dude - I'm insanely geeked for the shows next month!

  8. #68
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    Damn, I wish I knew about this thread sooner. This is totally a "hot topic" in my household right now.
    I browsed the first few posts to see where the topic of discussion was going here, and I will go back and sift through the whole thread later, but I just wanted to add my say here first.

    So the reason why I say it's a "hot topic" in my house right now, my girlfriend and I are kind of going through this realization that we really don't have ANY friends at all anymore and just how hard it is to make friends as an adult. I'd say it started about a year ago, we had a good mutual friend couple of ours surprise announce on us basically over night they were having a kid moving away. It was all so sudden. We were hosting a Canada Day party at our place and invited them and they dropped the news there and then basically left the week after. This got us thinking, we should try and make new friends... we posted a few ads online looking for friends, got a couples responses, but nothing really concrete came out of it. More like "hey, how's life" text/internet friends came out of it. It's so hard to meet other couples and go out for dinners/drinks/concerts/events/movies or just have people over to play some board games.

    Just last month, another friend couple of ours announced they are moving away this month as well. This basically leaves us with 1 couple left that we regularly see. That's it... nobody else. We went from having at least 6-8 different friends to hang out with to like 2-3 over the last year to year and a half.

    We're not sure how to make new friends. Getting older sucks. Not sure why it is, but people just seem to drift apart. I used to look at my Grandmother and wonder why she had no friends, or really anyone outside of her immediate family she talked to. I always wondered at what point do you just "no longer have friends". The concept seemed foreign to me. I couldn't grasp just not having friends one day. Everyone seemed so tightly knit together when we were growing up and now none of us barely talk to one another. Some guys have completely disappeared off the face of the planet, nobody knows how to get a hold of them.

    Sometimes I think it's just where we live. I get the vibe that people here are flaky. You ask them to do stuff and they say yes, but as it gets closer to hang-out time, they will bail on you. I even work with 1 guy who i've worked with for about 10 years now, great guy, and we've hung out on numerous occasions outside of work, but the last 5 years or so, he's developed this "flaky" attitude where he makes the same excuse over and over (It's his cousin's birthday). The thing with this guy is, you will give him like 3 weeks notice (or more) to save a date and he will be like "Yeah man It's been a while. I wouldn't miss it for the world. It's going to be great" and then as the clock ticks closer to the event day, his chance of showing up keeps dipping lower and lower. 2 weeks til the day = "Yeah, it's looking like a 75% I'll me able to make it" 1 week before the day = "Yeah, It's about a 50/50 chance I'll be able to make it at this point" A couple days before - "yeah, not so sure if I can make it or not. But i'll let yo know" and then the day of you are texting him wondering where the hell he is and there is no response for hours and then he will shoot a text back hours later "Sorry man, something came up" like.... just tell me you don't want to hang out. It's fine. The kicker is, I stopped inviting this guy out for like a year, and he messaged me and was like "Hey man, why don't we ever hang out anymore?" and It was such a face palm moment. Because every time I invite you out, you bail... Thought he was a changed man when he came asking me to hang out (This was a year ago) so I started inviting him out again.... Since last year, he may have come out once... if that... I never learn my lesson.

    Is this just how people are these days?? We have a friend couple that does something very similar to this. We will tell them to save the date and then 2 days before, I will send a reminder text and then they made other plans instead, saying they forgot.... I just never remember it being this flaky in the late 90s and early 00s before the invention of facebook/social media. I feel like Social Media is to blame on everyone's flakiness. It seems like people have extreme FOMO and are afraid to commit to something in fear something better will come along and they will miss out and have to cancel on the already obligated plans.

    I'd like to know if other people experience the same level of flakiness among their circle of friends. My girlfriend has tried to make friends with many people at her job, and they always brush her off when it comes to "asking to hang out outside of work". One of her co-workers' birthday's was coming up and her boyfriend was going to be out of town so my girlfriend offered to take her out to dinner, her treat, and the co-worker totally brushed her off and was like "Nah. that's fine." or some crap. Another one, this coworker asked her if we were attending this upcoming convention, and she was like "no... but I'm interested in it. We weren't planning on going" and they were like, oh I am though. Maybe we can all go together if you want, and she said she would ask me... and I was like "Sure, something to do. Let's go" and we ended up going and he wouldn't text her back. We went with full assumptions that maybe we could make a new friend with this co-worker of hers, and he never texted her back and he was the one that planted the seed in our mind to go to this bloody convention too!!

    People don't care about anyone but themselves these days it seems. I'd sure like to know how people are supposed to make friends in 2018.

    Eh, that's the end of my rant for tonight. Thanks for reading if you made it this far.
    Last edited by ManBurning; 09-23-2018 at 03:56 AM.

  9. #69
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    - I'm getting the impression from reading this that y'all understand the value of individual friends and not just making friends as a couple, so that's awesome!

    - activity groups/meetups work well it seems like? Maybe check meetup.com to find stuff in your area?

  10. #70
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    Yes, I believe social media has done as much to decay relationships as it has to bring people together. It's weird. It truly has the potential to change people psychologically. I've seen it mess up people's romantic relationships, friendships, familial relationships, even jobs. I've also seen studies that show that people can actually become lonelier now with the advent of social media, and that it can have an adverse effect one's self-esteem or how they view their own lives. I refer to Facebook as "Farcebook" and my bestie calls it "Fakebook" because of how much we see the "best of" people's lives instead of their reality. What's also sad and ironic is that sometimes people spend more time in their "virtual" social life (scrolling through their Facebook feed) than they do face to face with people IRL.

    Sorry, that was quite a tangent. I just personally dislike social media, and I think that discussing the odd ripples and repercussions thereof is relevant/interesting in the context of friendship.
    Last edited by piggy; 09-23-2018 at 11:00 PM.

  11. #71
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    Quote Originally Posted by piggy View Post
    Yes, I believe social media has done as much to decay relationships as it has to bring people together. It's weird. It truly has the potential to change people psychologically. I've seen it mess up people's romantic relationships, friendships, familial relationships, even jobs. I've also seen studies that show that people can actually become lonelier now with the advent of social media, and that it can have an adverse effect one's self-esteem or how they view their own lives. I refer to Facebook as "Farcebook" and my bestie calls it "Fakebook" because of how much we see the "best of" people's lives instead of their reality. What's also sad and ironic is that sometimes people spend more time in their "virtual" social life (scrolling through their Facebook feed) than they do face to face with people IRL.

    Sorry, that was quite a tangent. I just personally dislike social media, and I think that discussing the odd ripples and repercussions thereof is relevant/interesting in the context of friendship.
    Oh, I totally agree. Facebook is like the plague. Should be called PlagueBook as far as I am concerned. I got rid of my personal FB going on 3 years this January and it's been the best decision of my life. But on the other hand, it has also made working at friendships harder, so it's kind of a catch 22. I feel like it's worth it though, because I spend more time TRYING to put the effort into my friendships now through other means of trying to communicate with them. I will admit, I have lost connections due to cutting it out as well, so it's not as easy of a solution as it sounds. There are people that still prefer to "have all their eggs in 1 basket" so to speak. They like a 1-shot shop where they can keep in touch with as many people as they want with as little effort possible. I just keep like it brings people further way. It's hard to explain. For a site that is built on forming relationships and making friends, it seems to have the opposite effect.

    I have been at social gatherings where people are too bust scrolling on facebook to be bothered to live in the real world with the people around them. I wonder if the problem so much lies within social media itself or maybe the fact that it has been made so easily accessible (maybe the real issue lies in smart phone addiction).

  12. #72
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    I actually still appreciate social media for what it is. Facebook, Instagram and Twitter are as of now still my top 3 favorite main sites as far as social media goes. However, I've become much more of a lurker these days, so I haven't been really using them for actual socializing at all, even when I was actually logged into them. I suppose you can say I've also been into social media more for the entertainment side of things. (Which is also why I pretty much live on YouTube.) I've also noticed that my biggest mistake was to use the Internet as an overall crutch and shortcut in getting to know people. I was always comfortable in conversing via social media/forums or E-mail/instant messaging. And looking back at it now, it makes absolute sense to me, since it's so much easier to flake out on the Internet, as opposed to real life, just like anything else that's far more convenient to do online. Most people I've met and known would rather not converse in written form either. I wish I knew that a whole lot sooner.

    Another thing I also noticed more and more is that most people seem to actually prefer to socialize in large groups, as well as constantly jumping from one set of friends to another. It just took me a while to realize that, because it's not like you're alone when you're talking to one person or a few people either. Although, I will admit that it's can also be tough enough or even flat-out horrible as it is if you're unfortunately mixed with the wrong people, even if it's a small group or a one-on-one meeting/discussion. And then it's also challenging when you also feel like you most likely don't have anything worthwhile, in terms of being fun and interesting to contribute to the conversations at hand either, which leaves me saying nothing and more often than not waiting for people to approach me instead. (Which also seems to leave you alone, since if you have nothing to say, or even becoming boring to everybody, it's like you might as well not even be there at all.)

    I also noticed that I prefer to plan most things, which can be obviously, and easily done solo. I didn't realize that sometimes spontaneity/surprises (Aside from humor.) is also a tremendous factor in making and keeping friends, and I was never really good with dealing with spontaneity/surprises most of the time. Humor also isn't my strong suit either, as I often enjoyed humor in terms of being a spectator via TV and Internet all alone. It was also bad enough that I grew up with filter problems, while hardly applying the brakes in life back then, which is why I actually don't try to be funny most of the time. And there's also the possibility of not only being unfunny if not necessarily offensive, but there's also the awkwardness of running jokes through the ground, which is sometimes the epitome of lame and annoying. (And looking back yet again, this is absolutely not to say that all surprises are bad, but in my experience most good or even great surprises have been far and few in between to me, which is why I often prefer to keep things chill with peace and quiet most, if not all of the time, which is still sometimes an indirect factor of ending up alone. I really am just looking for a stable, quiet and peaceful life though, but some good company every now and then wouldn't hurt either.)
    Last edited by Halo Infinity; 10-13-2018 at 11:07 AM.

  13. #73
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    I have realized I really really struggle to maintain friendships with friends who do not have social media. I think part of what bothers me about that is that it forces interactions to be 1:1 and direct every time (texting them, hanging out IRL) when that person may not be a close friend to me. It like... makes the friendship more serious just by nature of not being able to have those ambient interactions, and those ambient interactions are important for me when it comes to maintaining contact with people.

  14. #74
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    That's an interesting perspective, and as a person who is not on social media, I appreciate seeing it from the other point of view. That helps me to perhaps understand why I failed with some previous attempts to reach out to people from my past that I wanted to get to know better. They probably felt pressured.

    On the other hand... If social media didn't exist, would those ambient interactions exist? Would they be happening at work, or at the gym, or at a club or whatever? Is there an analog for that in the pre-social media world? Would we be able to have those friendships that are suspended in a gray area, or is that strictly a modern construct?

  15. #75
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    Yeah, like, I don't think all "friends" I have need to be people I hang 1:1 with. I like having that social point that is somewhere between acquaintance and friend with some people, it's a good level of friendship just like a closer friendship can be.

    Re: your question, I think greater emphasis on social events and people having a smaller social circle (like, I have 280something friends on Facebook and that's a like... list I am pretty conscious of keeping trimmed down, I've deleted a shitload of folks over the years) were both things back in the day

  16. #76
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    I miss my friends, I miss having friends: I am very isolated here in Montreal. I spent 4 years growing a network of friends in Indiana and now I am starting from scratch, it's also harder in the big city: in a small college town it was easier to make friends, you'd see people around all the time, and I really could do with some friends I see face to face.

  17. #77
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    I am have a really hard time making "mom" friends. I want to be friends with other mothers of small children, but most of them I meet just want to have play dates and then sit around and talk about their kids or stay at home mom life. I like to think that even after having kids, it's important to still have your own identity and things you want to do. I'll want to talk about other things, like personal interests and backgrounds but they usually get uncomfortable and just revert back to only speaking about the kids. I guess really, what I want is more friends with kids, where we let our kids play and do their own thing and we sit we watching them, discussing anything that isn't changing diapers or naptime. I have one best friend who doesn't have children but is my rock. She loves my kids, and I will be very excited if she ever decides to have any of her own.
    There's one other friend I have with 4 kids, and I love seeing her, well all sit and play Mario party or well sit and chat about life while the kids play. Other than that, everyone is acquaintances or people I see every so often because our kids like each other and play well together.

  18. #78
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    Fair warning, I want to share my experience with some "friends" I had this weekend. I need to vent about this somewhere and this is a pretty long post.

    I am really sick of flaky people.

    So, we had been planning a birthday party for my friend's wife's birthday this weekend for a few weeks now. We have a whatsapp group with a regular group of mutual friends that we just message to plan things (when I say "we" it's mainly just be doing the planning, if I stopped planning events, I would never hear from these people ever again) either way...

    So, a few weeks ago I message the group chat and tell everyone to keep Feb 2nd free because we are going to be celebrating our friend's birthday. Everyone in the chat knows this person. So I tell everyone to hold the date weeks in advance. That shouldn't be too hard right? Write it on a calendar, there ya go. Done.
    Anyway, everyone agreed to come at first. Well, we twisted this one guy's arm to come, he has bailed 4 times in a row, and the girl who's birthday it was going to be directly called him out that he better not miss her birthday. He said he would come for sure, he didn't want to disappoint her, so he will be there. Long story short, it is 1 day before the party and he messages the group "Sorry gang, can't make it. Have fun" no excuse at all. Just can't make it. Now, this guy has a crazy track record of this. He only shows up 1/10 times (The odds might be even closer to 1 in 20). He is what is known as the epitome of flakiness... so when he did that, I just removed him from the chat. He's done. I've given him enough chances. He's been doing this to me for 10 years. I guess in the end, I am the sucker for giving him so many chances.

    Anyway, that's not even the best part. I had a hunch this guy wasn't going to show up. That's not the upsetting part. This girl starts making fun of him in the chat. Calling him out for his behavior, you know, good riddance, we'll have fun without him, we don't need him, he's a downer anyway etc etc. Even private messages me on how not to be upset, we don't need him, he's not a good friend etc. How excited she is to come etc.

    So fast forward to the day of the party. So far, everyone except "Mr Flake" is attending. The party was supposed to start at 7pm. The girl who was previously mentioned above and her partner message at 7pm saying "sorry, we will be late we won't be there til 9 or 9:30pm because XX needs to skype his mom, please don't wait up for us" ok... Seems like a strange excuse, can't he skype his mom here in the hallway or somewhere else in the place?? I'm not going to judge. As long as they are still coming it's all good. At 8:50pm we get another message: "I ate a bagel this morning and I am violently puking and going to the hospital now, sorry can't make it"

    Uhm.... OK... so they went from coming 100% to being late to violently puking and not coming at all in the span of like 8 hours or less. Here's the kicker... earlier that day she shared an instagram story about them being out super late drinking and partying the night before. So..... is there more to this story or what? It's safe to assume she was too hungover from the night before and was just waiting to see if she would feel better to attend, right?

    I just find this kind of behavior very unacceptable. The "Flaky guy" mentioned above did the same shit to me once. Went out the night before he was supposed to come over to my place and drank his face off and got a crazy hangover and then he called and cancelled and told he was too hung over to come. Who does that?

    I guess in the end, I am the sucker here for keeping these people around. But these are my only friends. I have like a group of maybe 4 or 5 people to pick from and all but 2 of them act like this. When someone tells me to keep a date, I keep it. It's like going to work... You show up for work. Actually... I bet you any money these people that bail on seeing their friends are the same kinds of people that call in sick once or twice a week and get fired for not coming to work.

    The sad thing about all of this is, if I stop messaging these people, I would never see or hear from them again. How do you deal with these people?
    My new years resolution of 2018 was to "cut out flaky people from my life" and I wasn't able to successfully do it. I kept telling my girlfriend I was never hosting another one of these get-togethers ever again, and a couple months would go by and then I would start to miss them, and I would break my word. I still to this date, 1 year later have not successfully been able to cut my ties with these people.

    Last night, I announced to everyone this was the last party we were ever throwing here, ever. I just can't deal with the stress of it anymore. I suffer from deep anxiety and depression, and these so called "friends" do not add to it. I need to learn to be happy with myself. I need to learn that from now on, it's just going to be me and my girlfriend. In the end, nobody else cares. I need to really stick to my guns and put my foot down and drop these flaky people like a hot potato.

    Oh...wait... the best part... After everyone left, at 3:30am, I messaged that girl that "went to the hospital puking" about how it was the last get together etc. and what do you know, she was magically all better and talking to me via text message until 4am as though nothing was wrong. Hmmm... If I was sick, I would have went to bed early to rest... I wouldn't still be up at 3:30am. Something to think about.

    The thing that frustrates me the most is that these events are generally not easy to plan. They take a lot of planning, we try and accommodate everyone. Me and my girlfriend have a weird schedule, we work every weekend. Our days off are in the middle of the week, but nobody is around to hang out, so I will give away shifts or book the weekend off or waste vacation days on my weekend shifts so I can plan these events at our place. We need to clean the place, get food and snacks for everyone etc. Lots of planning goes into these events. It's not some spur of the moment thing we put together the day before. We tell people weeks in advance, I book the weekend off and then we work around it only to have people slowly bail 1 at a time the second it gets closer to the event. I guess people just don't respect our time or our feelings or our friendship. The FUNNIEST thing about all of this.... oh boy oh boy.... this is the punchline of the story here.

    So the girl that bailed because she ate a bagel? When he kicked out that flaky guy from the chat, you know what she said???
    "You guys put a lot of time and effort into these nights, if someone is going to waste your time and shit all over it like that they can go elsewhere"

    Hahahahahahahaha! Oh, that's ironic. That's ironic as shit. (PS: This couple have a track record of flaking and being late 50% of the time as well. So, the irony in that was quite hilarious)
    Last edited by ManBurning; 02-04-2019 at 03:48 AM.

  19. #79
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    I just wanted to ask these questions before I forget to do so.

    Do flakes ever actually tell you to at least try to be flexible? Do they find the idea of being punctual far too rigid and stress-inducing to the point that they'd rather have you wait and search for them all the time, as well as to just accept their erratic timing and overall lateness or even absence out of their definition of flexibility?

    Do flakes also seem to complain and get irritable and aggravated when they don't always get to have you wait and search for them even if you haven't necessarily gotten into their faces about being late and/or absent?

    Do flakes also try to act and even claim that there's always an emergency when there clearly aren't any, sometimes even going to the extent of asking what if there was one?

    @ManBurning - I also had my share of flakes as well. Mostly from my teen years to my mid 20s. I also wondered if you also heard them have these reactions and excuses. I feel like I've heard it all as well, and I certainly feel your pain.

    On the other hand, I could understand people being put into an awkward position when they're invited to something they're not interested in, but one can only say, "I don't know.", "Maybe." and "I'm not sure." so many times, even if it's more diplomatic and polite/tactful than a blatant no/rejection to said invitations. At this point, I'd rather take "Something came up..." above all of them, which is to me, even better than saying "I'll pass.", even though I have appreciated that type of honest response as well.

    This has at the very least taught me that it should be something they're absolutely interested in and would love to do with others, but it's not always easy or even impossible to know sometimes.

    And yes, shit happens, but not every single day. If anything, it also taught me that even if I was cool with somebody or a group of people that like or even love me, their cancellations or lack of effort can also be proof that they just moved on the other things, places and people.

    And it's yet another reason for one to end up alone even when they actually aren't isolating themselves or pushing others away intentionally. As if there also weren't already more than enough reasons and causes to end up alone without even trying.

    As I've said several times, I still sometimes miss how easy it was to hang out with friends as a child and a teenager, when all I needed to do was just find the the right weekends and vacations to play Nintendo. I wouldn't do it anywhere near as much as if I had the chance, but I'd be lying if I claimed that I don't miss those things at all.

    I know there's always exceptions, but I think it really is true that like with other things, making and keeping friends certainly gets harder as you age, with a lot more variables than we can spot in face value. You just said it in the best way possible in my opinion, so I don't have that much more to add to that, but it certainly helped me understand why some older people end up alone, even if it's not their own doing.

    With all that being said, I'd feel terrible flaking on a friend, especially a close friend.

    But such is life at the same time, people change and grow apart. It's still inevitable.
    Last edited by Halo Infinity; 02-15-2019 at 11:14 PM.

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    Maybe this belongs here, nice new Kurzgesagt video.


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    Now that my preacher friend is gone, I'm back to having literally NO friends with whom I actually hang out, and, once again, I'm stunned by this whole e-friend phenomenon. @RocketScience , for instance, has been there for me FAR more than any of my lifelong friends, since I got sick, as have some others from this board.
    I am so fucking thankful for you folks.

  22. #82
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    Quote Originally Posted by elevenism View Post
    Now that my preacher friend is gone, I'm back to having literally NO friends with whom I actually hang out, and, once again, I'm stunned by this whole e-friend phenomenon. @RocketScience , for instance, has been there for me FAR more than any of my lifelong friends, since I got sick, as have some others from this board.
    I am so fucking thankful for you folks.
    Du är min vän, och vi lär oss av varann.

  23. #83
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    Quote Originally Posted by Halo Infinity View Post
    I just wanted to ask these questions before I forget to do so.

    Do flakes ever actually tell you to at least try to be flexible? Do they find the idea of being punctual far too rigid and stress-inducing to the point that they'd rather have you wait and search for them all the time, as well as to just accept their erratic timing and overall lateness or even absence out of their definition of flexibility?

    Do flakes also seem to complain and get irritable and aggravated when they don't always get to have you wait and search for them even if you haven't necessarily gotten into their faces about being late and/or absent?

    Do flakes also try to act and even claim that there's always an emergency when there clearly aren't any, sometimes even going to the extent of asking what if there was one?

    .....
    With all that being said, I'd feel terrible flaking on a friend, especially a close friend.

    But such is life at the same time, people change and grow apart. It's still inevitable.
    I possibly qualify as that friend to greater degree than I would like to a fair share of people. It's even something I specifically went and talked with a counselor about a few years back. That said it's rarely something i do from with malicious intent. For me it's usually down to the day. If I'm out and about I'm more apt to be willing to do things. If I am home and have burrowed too far into my head then it's a different story. Having said that my long time friends are aware that I can be distant and avoidant at times and thankfully they generally are understanding. That said I don't make plans I have no intentions on following through with. Having said that I understand that some people are completely flakey and do my best to avoid such behaviors.

  24. #84
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    Quote Originally Posted by RocketScience View Post
    Du är min vän, och vi lär oss av varann.
    Right, I am your friend, and, in this case, I suppose I'm learning Swedish from you.

  25. #85
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    Quote Originally Posted by elevenism View Post
    Right, I am your friend, and, in this case, I suppose I'm learning Swedish from you.
    Vi ser ljuset vid tunnelns slut <3


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    Quote Originally Posted by Halo Infinity View Post
    I just wanted to ask these questions before I forget to do so.

    Do flakes ever actually tell you to at least try to be flexible? Do they find the idea of being punctual far too rigid and stress-inducing to the point that they'd rather have you wait and search for them all the time, as well as to just accept their erratic timing and overall lateness or even absence out of their definition of flexibility?

    Do flakes also seem to complain and get irritable and aggravated when they don't always get to have you wait and search for them even if you haven't necessarily gotten into their faces about being late and/or absent?

    Do flakes also try to act and even claim that there's always an emergency when there clearly aren't any, sometimes even going to the extent of asking what if there was one?

    @ManBurning - I also had my share of flakes as well. Mostly from my teen years to my mid 20s. I also wondered if you also heard them have these reactions and excuses. I feel like I've heard it all as well, and I certainly feel your pain.

    On the other hand, I could understand people being put into an awkward position when they're invited to something they're not interested in, but one can only say, "I don't know.", "Maybe." and "I'm not sure." so many times, even if it's more diplomatic and polite/tactful than a blatant no/rejection to said invitations. At this point, I'd rather take "Something came up..." above all of them, which is to me, even better than saying "I'll pass.", even though I have appreciated that type of honest response as well.

    This has at the very least taught me that it should be something they're absolutely interested in and would love to do with others, but it's not always easy or even impossible to know sometimes.

    And yes, shit happens, but not every single day. If anything, it also taught me that even if I was cool with somebody or a group of people that like or even love me, their cancellations or lack of effort can also be proof that they just moved on the other things, places and people.

    And it's yet another reason for one to end up alone even when they actually aren't isolating themselves or pushing others away intentionally. As if there also weren't already more than enough reasons and causes to end up alone without even trying.

    As I've said several times, I still sometimes miss how easy it was to hang out with friends as a child and a teenager, when all I needed to do was just find the the right weekends and vacations to play Nintendo. I wouldn't do it anywhere near as much as if I had the chance, but I'd be lying if I claimed that I don't miss those things at all.

    I know there's always exceptions, but I think it really is true that like with other things, making and keeping friends certainly gets harder as you age, with a lot more variables than we can spot in face value. You just said it in the best way possible in my opinion, so I don't have that much more to add to that, but it certainly helped me understand why some older people end up alone, even if it's not their own doing.

    With all that being said, I'd feel terrible flaking on a friend, especially a close friend.

    But such is life at the same time, people change and grow apart. It's still inevitable.
    Flakes don't really tell me to be flexible. But they do like to say "We need to get together soon. It's been so long"
    I don't know if that is them just being courteous and making the non-flaker think they are valued, or maybe they generally feel shitty about flaking and want to make it up?
    I don't know. All I know is, it's almost impossible to even make concrete plans with these people.

    "Do flakes also try to act and even claim that there's always an emergency when there clearly aren't any, sometimes even going to the extent of asking what if there was one?"

    This one I think might have some truth to it. I have a friend who always claims she "went to the hospital" because that's how ill she was and couldn't make it out. Nobody actually believes she went to the hospital. But that does seem to be her go to excuse. She's used it on us a couple times. Kinda like the guy who says it's always his cousin's birthday, lol. It's like they have a few select go-to excuses they cycle through.

    I don't think it's a case of them not liking the activity they are being invited to, at least not for my group of friends anyway. Can't vouch for everyone out there. But generally I know what/what not to invite certain people to. We have like a concert buddy, which doesn't like movies and on the other hand there is a couple we go to the movies with, who aren't so big on music. There is 1 guy who lives video games, so he gets invited to game night and so on. We tend to know what our friends interests are and will save the hassle of inviting them out to something they don't want to do, so I don't think it's a case of them not wanting to do it and just saying they want to. I don't think the intent is there.

    I'm a very punctual and organized person. I am one of those people that plans events and writes them on the calendar months in advance, lol. I know not everyone is like that though, I am unique. But if someone invites me somewhere and it doesn't work, I tell them up front. That date/time doesn't work and I need more notice. It's generally people try and invite me day of/last minute and it's too short notice. I, unlike a flake - need plenty of notice. Week or two. So here I am on the opposite end of the spectrum.

    I am just curious, how would a "flake" plan a vacation or a trip or something that takes a lot of planning and organizing months in advance? I'm in the process in planning a trip for my girlfriends 30th birthday as it is right now for May, and that has been in the works since November, lol. I've had the hotel booked for months, and the tickets to the music festival we are attending since November and now I am just looking into flights. I just wonder how would a flaky person be when it comes to something like that that requires major commitment.

    I have a slight update to my rant story a few posts above where I went off on those friends that bailed on our other friends birthday a few weeks ago. The "flaky" friends have since got back to us, multiple times saying it's been so long and they really want to get together, we just can't seem to work out a good date at the moment, we tried for last Tuesday to go to a comedy show and they were all gung-ho but they didn't buy their tickets in advance and the show sold out. This goes back to the whole commitment thing again from above. Need to buy tickets to a show in advance or you risk not getting in. I knew better than to buy them tickets because I didn't want to be out money or stuck with tickets in the event they didn't come, ya know? It's a double edged knife.

    Either way... The girl that bailed because she was "sick" and "at the hospital" basically admitted to us she stayed out too late drinking the night before and had a hangover all day and was trying to shake it. I already knew that was the case, she posted on instagram. But whatever, we moved on from that. Anyway, we had a whatsapp chat going with a group of 7 of us, and she tried making her own event for a weekend in March, nobody responded. My friend, who's wife's birthday it was texted me mentioning her "get together" and how they won't go because his wife (the birthday lady from before) was still mad at her for making excuses and skipping her birthday. Anyway, this whole thing unfolded between the 2 of them where they don't want to be friends with one another and they're in this stupid tiff about how they won't show up for each others events... oh... it's drama. It's like high school drama all over and these people are in their late 30s/early 40s lol.

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    @ManBurning - You got me at punctual and organized. Being on time and neat eliminates or at the very least reduces stress and anxiety in my personal experience. There is certainly an aura of suspense for anticipating something that'll probably never happen. For some exceptions though, there are sometimes instances where cancellations also relieved me too, but time and time again, whenever that was the case it was also from the flake's end, so go figure.

    And well, I really don't have that much to add since your response was thoroughly satisfying, not to mention the fact that I can absolutely relate to it altogether. Oh right, and aside from that fact that not everybody is punctual and organized to the point of planning everything in advance, at the same time though you'd think they'd also be considerate to those that aren't like them. Granted, sure, not everything can always be planned in a timely matter, but it still doesn't change the fact that it's truly awful to be left hanging, always waiting and/or searching for others to the point of them just cancelling at the last minute for whatever reason.

    Aside from that, marriage, children and career are often also the big top 3 reasons friendships drift apart if not necessarily end altogether. It's also interesting to point out, albeit common sense, that aside from being of similar interests, beliefs, values and lifestyles, even people of similar marital statuses and familial ties also often associate with each other.

    For instance, I usually see single people with single friends, married people with married friends (Or couples with couples regardless of actual marriage.) and parents with parental friends. (And even more-so when they're actual close friends.) We even already see that with gender and ethnicity sometimes.

    It's stuff like that, that's also often proven to me just how true/real to life the quote "Birds of a feather flock together." can actually turn out to be.

    I know I can't always wait for people to come to me, and that I should sometimes go to them, but I still usually try not to hang out in large groups. (Which can sometimes unfortunately leave you ending up alone even if you aren't intentionally making any attempts to isolate yourself.) I'm still of the opinion that a good small group or one-on-one interaction/experience is good enough for me. But of course, like other things in life, it isn't always guaranteed, on the inevitable account that there sometimes be a bad small group or just that one wrong person that's better off not being met in the first place. Aside from that though, my stance on smaller groups and one-on-one socialization still remains.
    Last edited by Halo Infinity; 03-01-2019 at 10:24 PM.

  28. #88
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    Quote Originally Posted by Halo Infinity View Post
    but I still usually try not to hang out in large groups. (Which can sometimes unfortunately leave you ending up alone even if you aren't intentionally making any attempts to isolate yourself.) I'm still of the opinion that a good small group or one-on-one interaction/experience is good enough for me. But of course, like other things in life, it isn't always guaranteed, on the inevitable account that there sometimes be a bad small group or just that one wrong person that's better off not being met in the first place. Aside from that though, my stance on smaller groups and one-on-one socialization still remains.
    Interestingly enough, I used to be like this too. Up until maybe 5 or so years ago. And I am not the most extroverted person. In fact, I am anything but. I can be very shy, reserved and keep to myself unless I know my audience. In an office meeting, I am usually the one to sit quietly in the back and listen, very rarely piping up. But around a solid group of friends that I know, I am the life of the party. Can't shut up. It's complete opposite. That's not really where I am going with this, just wanted to get that out of the way because introverted people tend to not like large groups or gatherings. I used to be more into 1 on 1 or 2 on 2 gatherings. I really don't know how i started to be honest. I somehow got into this "more is better" mentality. So, maybe in the end... I kind of just tainted my own perception of what it means to have friends. Friends shouldn't just always be large 8-10 people gatherings, sometimes those one on one, or smaller more intimate gatherings are needed as well.

    Like, back in 2009 I started "game night" with a buddy. I moved here in 2006 and had virtually no friends at all here. Took me a few years to finally make a friend, so we started a weekly video game night. Was just me and him. It was great. Then we moved in together eventually as roommates and a couple years later I found a girlfriend (now ex haha) and wanted to move out to live with her. He basically dropped me after that. It was strange. But either way, I met a new couple friends through work and we resurrected "gamed night" and it was the 4 of us. Me, my ex and 2 buddies from work. And we did this night like once a month for a couple years. Just the 4 of us. Then somehow we just slowly started inviting more and more people to game night to the point where it was less intimate, and more of a party. Just a socializing event. And from there on, that's when I saw what I was missing all those years I guess. So I kind of got "addicted" to the large groups, I guess you could say. Maybe it was a void being met deep down because I had never been a huge "group" person before, so I saw what I've been missing... I don't know. But from that point on, "game night" was always "invite as many goddamn people that will fit into our living room" haha... and I still look at it like that.

    As I mentioned above, I am very organized. I am not the kind of person that can wait til the day of or the day before and message everyone and say "Having people over tomorrow. Come on down if you are free" nope. I am more like... "OK... it's March 2nd today, and I want to plan an event for Easter weekend... invites will go out next weekend for everyone to save the date" That's how bad I am lol. So, I think I just set myself up for disappointment when only 2 or 3 people show up to an event that had been in the works for a month or so. I expect a large turn out and am bummed if only 3 people show up. Why? I don't know... Guess I got addicted to the large groups. Rewind back to 5 years or so ago, and i would have LOVED if 3 people showed up, lol. I guess you get a taste of something you've been missing all this time, and anything less is unsatisfactory. Just a mindset thing I guess. I need to learn to be happy with having a couple people wanting to come over and hang out. I shouldn't take offense to people not showing up, but part of me does. Especially when they had so much notice in advance.

    There is this one guy, notorious for flaking. And I don't even think he realizes either. But say... if I send him an invite a month or so in advance telling him to "save the date" he will usually respond with "But, that is SO FAR in advance. I have no idea what I will be doing then" it's a total facepalm moment for me, because it's like "Dude, Yes you do know what you will be doing then! You will be attending THIS event!! These are your plans for that day. It's simple. You pencil is down on your calendar, and if someone else asks you to do something, you politely turn it down saying you already have plans for that day" But... not everyone can be like that right? Do you think people like that are hoping something better comes up? Is that why they are afraid to commit to something weeks in advance? That response has always perplexed me. If someone tells me "Hey it's blah blah blah event on March 30th" and it's today, march 2nd, I would check my schedule and if I was free, I would totally write it down. I would never in a million years be like "meh... remind me closer to the date to see if I have anything else going on or not"
    Last edited by ManBurning; 03-02-2019 at 02:24 PM.

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    I thought of posting this in The little things that cheer you up. thread, but seeing what it turned into, it clearly belongs here.

    This will be to some a very odd association/connection/pairing, and understandably/rightfully so.

    Anyway, taking the time to reminisce The Fragile, Super Smash Bros. Melee and Kung Pow! Enter the Fist cheer me up because all 3 releases were still technically new when I started one of my best friendships ever with a friend that was akin to a biological brother to me, who also became a fellow Nine Inch Nails fan at the time.

    I would've also included With Teeth and Super Smash Bros. Brawl too, but those 3 releases really was the start of what will be one of the most memorable/beautiful friendships of my youth as we even spent almost as much time as biological brothers did. It lasted from when I was 16 and ended when I was 25.

    We're still very much cool and all, but he's definitely moved on to other pursuits and interests as he got very much into the EDM scene and drinking and dancing/clubbing in college. I'm also just reflecting on this a bit more for the last time before the 2010s end because our regular get-togethers stopped in 2011. And it was from late 2002 to mid 2011. We kind of got to know each other more and more from very late 2000-2001, but we weren't that close yet.

    It also just takes me back to the time we would just shoot the breeze and chill on weekends/vacations and surf the Internet together, watch DVDs and play video games and from time to time order Chinese food and/or pizza or just go elsewhere to eat when we were about to go our seperate ways. We frequented YTMND, Newgrounds and YouTube, and mostly played Nintendo, but some PlayStation as well. And in spite of Gmail taking over, he still stuck with Hotmail, but I'm sure he also obviously tried Gmail, especially for logging on to YouTube. And we also used to keep in touch on Xanga, AIM, Myspace and Facebook. I don't think he liked Twitter all that much, and by the time Instagram really blew up, it was already over.

    I know that I should also accept that it's over, but one really doesn't meet people like that every day, and it really is but for a season in one's life, since what counts as a good time is still inevitable to change, even in the slightest ways as you get older.

    I'll also still say that the dude was very much like @elevenism and @henryeatscereal.

    But yeah. What I'm undergoing right now is quite the epitome of: "Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened."

    https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/117...se-it-happened

    For the first time as of right now in this very post, I can finally/actually make peace with it and accept it. You know who you are dude, and should you read this, please consider this to be an ultra Luv List for a fellow NIN fan I've met/known in real life. I'm so grateful that we had a chance to see NIN together in 2009 at Wantagh, New York at Nikon at Jones Beach Theater, as it's almost already the 10 year anniversary to that very day.

    And All That Could Have Been. Live./Still. was also part of the start of our friendship, and we had at least one good time watching Closure together. He has those TVs that have a built-in VHS player.

    This also just added one of the reasons why The Fragile even beat The Downward Spiral by a hair when it came to ranking my favorite NIN albums of all time. Admittedly, sentimental and nostalgic, but more on the sentimental side nonetheless.

    Honorable Mentions: Insane Clown Posse, Marilyn Manson, Eminem, Linkin Park (As far as other artists that we enjoyed together at the start of our friendship.)
    Last edited by Halo Infinity; 04-12-2019 at 05:44 PM.

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    Well i just found out one of the very few friends i have left is leaving for Canada this year, and considering how difficult it is for me to ever meet up with her while she lives locally means i'll most likely never see her again (we did try to meet up over christmas several times but she cancelled them all at the last minute) so i pretty much only have one friend in London now who i work with...and she doesn't even have time for lunch with me. Well...fuck.

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