The Relationship Thread

[sick among the pure]

Long story short, I'm feeling insecure depressed and shit.
Long story a little less short, boyfriend and I moved hundreds of miles from home for me to go to college in Philly. He's worked to pay rent and bills and food and shit, while I hardcore school it out. He proposed to me 2 years ago, knowing what he was getting in to, both financially with the whole student debt and artist thing, and the whole trans thing.
I just finished in December, getting my BFA in Photography in the mail at the end of the month. Already set up an appointment with the school's career counselor for tips/advice/help with applying to a few staff positions at my school, because I have so many reasons I would love to work there. If all of that fails, there are 2 galleries in the city where I am on a good first name basis with workers, and I have curated and installed/de-installed 2 shows, so I have experience in gallery work. If that fails, my school has a website that helps students/alum get in touch with people looking for work in various arts fields. I'm not above being a secretary for someone.
I used to work at Walmart, and told him I'd be willing to go back (it's a guaranteed job, 40 hours a week at $9.10/hr starting) just to have some income while I'm trying to find something in my field, since the economy sucks to begin with, let alone making money as an artist. He ended that conversation with "that's not what we came all the way down here for you to go to school for."
Now, mind you, we have only been back in Philly since the 31st (went on a week vacation after my finals for x-mas to see family), so it's been 7 days. Classes haven't even started up if I were still a student, but I feel like I haven't done enough to get a job. I just keep getting stuck on "what if I can't get a job and this was all a waste of his time and his money and I know he hates living here and" you know where that leads. I'm just kinda stuck in my head doubting myself and feeling like a worthless piece of shit. And I know it's not healthy thinking. And he loves me and blah blah blah but hat whole clinical depression thing kicks in and I can't help but think this was about myself.

I just think I needed to get that out. Sorry guys.

[icklekitty]

The answer to everything, though, is to get a dog. They resolve most dilemmas of both marriage and being single. They're the magic bullet.

Do you know how many animals are being sent to shelters because a couple split and none of them could be fucked to look after the dog?

[theimage13]

To everyone commenting on the religious woman:

I'm sort of interested. I already know in my mind that it's probably not a good idea. But here's the thing about me: I'm open minded when it comes to theology. I may very well die still saying "you know what guys? I don't have a clue." But I'm more open to the idea than I was before, and she's very liberal in her views on the Church - think along the lines of the comments of the current pope. From that end alone, I don't think it would really be a problem, with the possible exception of some physical desires potentially taking the back seat. But we've met, and I loved the conversations we've had, so maybe that's not as big a deal as I'd once believed.

However, the big family thing is what throws me. I don't like babies - at all - and I've always been pretty sure that I don't want kids for just that reason. But I find myself thinking that it's children - not offspring - that I'm not a fan of, and that I could probably do the whole "family" thing with the right partner and enjoy it more as my son or daughter grew up and could actually think/act for themselves. But three or four kids? I don't have a job that would ever be able to support that financially. Frankly, I'm not sure if the kind of work I do could ever support one child financially, which is another big reason for me to think I should avoid them entirely. And know that this is in stark contrast to what this woman is looking for from her life, I think being friends is where it's at.

Now, all of this aside: I had another talk with the first person who I'd actually been dating, and it sounds kind of encouraging. Turns out she may just be a bit slower to get into things like this, which is exactly how I had been up until about a year ago. So I guess we can go back to crossing our fingers there.

[theimage13]

Marriage is an enigma. In the US, 51% end in divorce. That is how many were miserable enough to end. Of the 49% left, presumably a good number are not happy, maybe at best "blah", and so on.

NO.

For fuck's sake, media needs to stop that bullshit stat already. There is ZERO evidence whatsoever that this is even close to being true. Every time someone has tried to show me a stat to back this, it's "X number of couples got married in 2013, and Y number got divorced". What about the fifty fucking years' worth of other marriages that are still going on, buddy?

Sorry, had to rant. Divorce makes me angry because of how lightly it's treated these days, but to keep reporting that literally every other marriage ends in it is lazy, over-dramatic, and paints an incredibly unrealistic picture.

[rhet]

Long story short, I'm feeling insecure depressed and shit..

i've been in almost the exact same position and it is really hard..i moved to Glasgow (which we both ended up hating) with my husband so he could finish his degree at art school. Now he's finished, has a good job so I back to school and am now freelancing. Now its my turn to feel insecure and guilty lol

I totally understand how its hard to feel self worth and confidence in your decisions when someone else is supporting you and your dreams but it will be so worth it in the end. It can feel really selfish but you're not doing anyone any favours by not pursuing what will ultimately make you happy.

[cahernandez]

Do you know how many animals are being sent to shelters because a couple split and none of them could be fucked to look after the dog?

Well, I believe in always getting a dog from a shelter and not from a store, if that helps.

[icklekitty]

Let's put animals on a merry-go-round just because we're too shit to face the reality of our own lives.

[Dra508]

NO.

For fuck's sake, media needs to stop that bullshit stat already. There is ZERO evidence whatsoever that this is even close to being true. Every time someone has tried to show me a stat to back this, it's "X number of couples got married in 2013, and Y number got divorced". What about the fifty fucking years' worth of other marriages that are still going on, buddy?

Sorry, had to rant. Divorce makes me angry because of how lightly it's treated these days, but to keep reporting that literally every other marriage ends in it is lazy, over-dramatic, and paints an incredibly unrealistic picture.

Very true. The death do us part is a killer these days. We just live too long. Mine expired after many un-regretful years. I'm ok with that but I am in the 50% failed statistic even though I don't think the entire marriage was a failure.
@sick among the pure . You have to pursue your career and not settle for Walmart, even for a short time. Then why did you both move and devote this time to your schooling. Have faith in yourself. Clearly he did!

[rhet]

You have to pursue your career and not settle for Walmart, even for a short time. Then why did you both move and devote this time to your schooling. Have faith in yourself. Clearly he did!

I have to respectfully disagree. Obviously no one wants to work for Walmart and I hope you can find something at least semi related to your field but don't beat yourself up if you have to get a shitty job to pay the bills. Creative/artistic industries can take a lot of time and effort to crack let alone make a living wage so do what you need to do to keep afloat until you get there and don't let it discourage you from pushing the artistic side of things further in your down time.

[theimage13]

@sick among the pure. You have to pursue your career and not settle for Walmart, even for a short time. Then why did you both move and devote this time to your schooling. Have faith in yourself. Clearly he did!

Easier said than done. Having faith in yourself doesn't pay for rent, transportation, groceries, your phone, etc. I can speak firsthand as someone who worked full time - for even less than you quoted - while trying to build a large enough network and savings account to quit and pursue photography full time. The sad thing is that when I finally did get my dream job - staff photographer for a chain of a dozen newspapers - I was only making $10.50 an hour until I got laid off in budget cuts barely a year later. Photography is hard enough to make it in as it is; if you don't have any sort of money saved or a steady paycheck though, you're in extremely dangerous territory.

Now, to bring this all back around to the topic of this particular thread: hopefully your boyfriend continues to be supportive of you no matter how things turn out. When I landed my newspaper gig, the woman I was seeing at the time was just sort of "oh, cool", and that was the first sign that I was wasting my time in that department. Given what your guy has done to help you achieve your goals so far, though, I'd say it sounds like you're probably in a pretty good spot in terms of your relationship.

[playwithfire]

I have to respectfully disagree. Obviously no one wants to work for Walmart and I hope you can find something at least semi related to your field but don't beat yourself up if you have to get a shitty job to pay the bills. Creative/artistic industries can take a lot of time and effort to crack let alone make a living wage so do what you need to do to keep afloat until you get there and don't let it discourage you from pushing the artistic side of things further in your down time.

Have to second this. There's no shame in something to help you get by as long as it isn't cutting into your time to look for something else. It also allows you to be picky. Also check out Starbucks before you do Walmart. Flexibility and just generally better treatment for comparable or better pay. Being a barista is easy. I may bitch about it, but that's because I'm a supervisor, and it's been incredibly accommodating for my internship. Also, Home Depot also pays well.

[Dra508]

I guess I didn't lay my point out very well. From @sick among the pure 's post, it sounded like the boyfriend might be frustrated with the commitment he felt like he made to the pursuit of sick's study to then to maybe appear to hotly pursue after graduation might make him ask "so, why did I make this sacrifice?"

[Madmya]

Let's put animals on a merry-go-round just because we're too shit to face the reality of our own lives.

Don't be so fucking patronising. Just because some people are arseholes doesn't mean the overwhelming majority of people are.

[icklekitty]

Don't be so fucking patronising. Just because some people are arseholes doesn't mean the overwhelming majority of people are.

I didn't say that.

[cahernandez]

NO.

For fuck's sake, media needs to stop that bullshit stat already. There is ZERO evidence whatsoever that this is even close to being true. Every time someone has tried to show me a stat to back this, it's "X number of couples got married in 2013, and Y number got divorced". What about the fifty fucking years' worth of other marriages that are still going on, buddy?

Sorry, had to rant. Divorce makes me angry because of how lightly it's treated these days, but to keep reporting that literally every other marriage ends in it is lazy, over-dramatic, and paints an incredibly unrealistic picture.

That quote I posted was not part of the article itself (so the media is not to blame for that), it was a user comment that the NYT picked (they pick a selection of the best reader comments). I chose that comment not so much because of the divorce rate that the user offered (after all, it's a statistic in a web forum, take it with a grain of salt) but more because of this: " I'm single, and the only thing that makes it hard is how I'm treated by others. I'm often treated more like a child by my peers. Couples tend to not invite single people to dinner parties and the like. Children, though, think I'm totally awesome. It's funny that way.

But a husband and father of four, who adores his family, once sighed when I was talking to him about how I make my living and how my life unfolds, and, looking somewhat forlorn, I asked him what was wrong, and he said, "It sounds so nice, the freedom."

Married people romanticize being single, and single people romanticize marriage. Both have benefits and challenges."

I'm single myself, almost in my thirties, and every time I go home I get asked the question: "so when are you going to get a girlfriend and settle down?". Personally, I don't mind the question but I can see how it can bother other people. I don't know, from what I've sensed from friends and family, it seems like there's an stigma about being in your thirties and single (and that's why posted the video from that article). The funny thing is, this last month when I was back home for Christmas I got together for a BBQ with married friends, and some of them (specially the just married one) seemed not too happy with the idea of being married. It was just a very specific sample of people BUT yeah, like that comment I posted mentions, I got the idea that for a lot of people "the grass is always greener on the other side" (and also got the idea that some -quite a few- people get married just because it's the thing society expects from you, not because it's something you feel).

As for the dogs comment: again, I do believe in only adopting dogs from shelters (I actually heard over Christmas the terrifying story of an acquaintance that works at dog shelter). But no, they're no substitute for our problems. But, think about it this way: people, your friends, your family can leave you, people will betray you, whatever BUT a dog will never leave you, they are the natural companion of man. I actually don't have a dog (used to have one) but think about it, they are really the most faithful companion, and it's amazing how nature works that way. It's not for nothing that there's such a thing as animal-assisted therapy (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Animal-assisted_therapy).

[allegro]

When I was single for long periods, my relatives spread a rumor that I was GAY. Because, of course, if you're not dating "somebody special' and introducing them to the family, you're obviously a closet lesbian.

I love my dog. But I never had to take a boyfriend out for a walk in the freezing cold sleet and snow and then wipe poop off his ass.

[Madmya]

I didn't say that.

Cool story.

[playwithfire]

Ugh. Just ugh. Ugh.

[eversonpoe]

Ugh. Just ugh. Ugh.

hug. just hug. hug? :: hug ::

[Madmya]

Sorry to the people who facepalmed my post, I should have said in a merry-go-round fashion (which would have been a great pun), 'yes you fucking did'.

[Conan The Barbarian]

I need some advice.

I have recently quit smoking and have been working out for the past month. My friend, she has been there the whole ride. Always there to motivate me.

I have known her for about 8 years and we have started to hang out alot since. I am starting to fall for her now that I am really starting to get to know her. Thing is, I dont know if she feels the same way even though she makes certain comments and movements but I think that is just her being her.

I am taking her to an animation convention next week and after I want to tell her how I feel about her. Two things are going through my mind, rejection ( which happens so much that its literal nothingness and common for me), and a chance that it could damage our friendship.

Any advice on what to do? Should I just leave it alone? Should I go for the kill? Should I just jump off a bridge?

[ltrandazzo]

No guts, no glory. Go for it.

But to dig deeper about the convention - is it local? Is it a trip? Are you guys getting a hotel together?

If you handle it the right way and she says she doesn't feel the same way, then it should be easy to laugh off and keep your friendship. A simple "Hey, so I'm kind of into you. What would you think about going out on a full-on date?" should convey that you're putting yourself out there, but you're not going to be weird about it if she says no. There's always the chance that she's crushed on you for the 8 years you've known each other and has been waiting for you to say something.

[pigpen]

wow, I fucked up HARD.
Today I got together with a girl I was on the fence about a while ago. She was into me, but I was still reeling from a relationship/girl I couldn't
let go of.
Well, having been over that for a while now and after seeing her again, I have to say.. I am a fucking idiot. This girl was so good and now she
has a boyfriend..
poop.

[Your Name Here]

Not to sound like the cliche chip on his shoulder guy who thinks all women are evil, but I got to be that motherfucker. Coming out of a bad relationship that was more Apocalypse Now then a healthy relationship. My mind is scattered my dreams are shattered and the only female in my life right now that is a positive influence is my pet tarantula and even she kills her suitor after mating.
I thought I'd be perfect for a woman since I like sex and shopping, but I guess thats not enough. There needs to be a dating site called Cheap And Meaningless Sex. You don't talk to the other person, you don't get to know them, you don't call or text. If you are attracted to them you just fuck and immediately leave. I think I have solved to worlds problems.

[icklekitty]

It's called a sex club. Get on it.

[eversonpoe]

Not to sound like the cliche chip on his shoulder guy who thinks all women are evil, but I got to be that motherfucker. Coming out of a bad relationship that was more Apocalypse Now then a healthy relationship. My mind is scattered my dreams are shattered and the only female in my life right now that is a positive influence is my pet tarantula and even she kills her suitor after mating.
I thought I'd be perfect for a woman since I like sex and shopping, but I guess thats not enough. There needs to be a dating site called Cheap And Meaningless Sex. You don't talk to the other person, you don't get to know them, you don't call or text. If you are attracted to them you just fuck and immediately leave. I think I have solved to worlds problems.

you thought you'd be perfect for a woman because you like sex and shopping? i honestly can't tell if you're being facetious or 100% serious.

not all women like shopping (my fiancee hates it, i LOVE it), and everyone has a different sex drive, most people's fluctuate.

also, generalizing an entire group of people because of one unhealthy relationship is kind of silly. i was in an abusive (emotional/verbal with one physical altercation) relationship with my ex for four years, and i didn't let her ruin the prospect of dating another woman for me, because i knew that her issues were HER issues, not the issues of her entire demographic.

[Your Name Here]

you thought you'd be perfect for a woman because you like sex and shopping? i honestly can't tell if you're being facetious or 100% serious.

not all women like shopping (my fiancee hates it, i LOVE it), and everyone has a different sex drive, most people's fluctuate.

also, generalizing an entire group of people because of one unhealthy relationship is kind of silly. i was in an abusive (emotional/verbal with one physical altercation) relationship with my ex for four years, and i didn't let her ruin the prospect of dating another woman for me, because i knew that her issues were HER issues, not the issues of her entire demographic.

My post was half joking, half real. In fact I think there is a partial quote of Samuel L. Jackson from Jackie Brown in there. The reality of shopping is pretty much universal when women are shopping the men are bored and when the guy is shopping the women are bored. I can't tell you how many times I've bored an ex in a music store but I could do without the condescension regarding generalization and sex drives.

[eversonpoe]

My post was half joking, half real. In fact I think there is a partial quote of Samuel L. Jackson from Jackie Brown in there. The reality of shopping is pretty much universal when women are shopping the men are bored and when the guy is shopping the women are bored. I can't tell you how many times I've bored an ex in a music store but I could do without the condescension regarding generalization and sex drives.

sorry, i didn't mean to be condescending. however, upon re-reading my post, i definitely came off that way. i get overly sensitive when people overly-generalize groups of people, and i can be very defensive, so my sincere apologies.

i hope that you are able to get past your apocalyptic relationship and move forward, because i definitely know what it's like to wallow. good luck!

[theimage13]

There needs to be a dating site called Cheap And Meaningless Sex. You don't talk to the other person, you don't get to know them, you don't call or text. If you are attracted to them you just fuck and immediately leave.

*ahem*

In all seriousness...I'm officially back to square one. And back to my usual ratio - messages sent nearly a dozen different people, and replies from fewer than...well...one.

Dear everyone in a happy and healthy relationship: fuck you.

Just kidding. Sort of.

[rhet]

not all women like shopping (my fiancee hates it, i LOVE it)

I second this. I avoid shopping at all costs (except online) and hubs loves it, especially if he has an excuse to buy a new pair of shoes.