The Mental Health thread - depression, bipolar, ADHD, you name it

[implanted_microchip]

I know that it's bad and that it won't make anything better on me but I just want to dig my hole deeper and I want to hurt myself and I want to feel something burning extinguish on my skin and I want it to be because I put it there because I am already in so much pain that is out of my hands and I want to at least know that I'm in control of some of it. I don't know how to make this feeling go away and I don't really know if I want it to because it's the first time in months that I've felt like I have control over a part of my negativity. I'm not really sure why I'm sharing this and if it's for attention or help or just to know that somebody somewhere knows that all I can feel is this constant ache running through my veins and that all I want to do is open them up and let it all spill out of my skin.

I've been so depressed for so long and for the past few months it's only gotten worse and worse and the one person in my life who knew how to help me is gone and I put too much pressure on them and expected to much from anyone but myself and now I just really want to break something of my own.

[Dra508]

I know that it's bad and that it won't make anything better on me but I just want to dig my hole deeper and I want to hurt myself and I want to feel something burning extinguish on my skin and I want it to be because I put it there because I am already in so much pain that is out of my hands and I want to at least know that I'm in control of some of it. I don't know how to make this feeling go away and I don't really know if I want it to because it's the first time in months that I've felt like I have control over a part of my negativity. I'm not really sure why I'm sharing this and if it's for attention or help or just to know that somebody somewhere knows that all I can feel is this constant ache running through my veins and that all I want to do is open them up and let it all spill out of my skin.

I've been so depressed for so long and for the past few months it's only gotten worse and worse and the one person in my life who knew how to help me is gone and I put too much pressure on them and expected to much from anyone but myself and now I just really want to break something of my own.

Dude, you need to get help right now. Do not pass go, do not collect two hundred dollars. You CAN get better.

[implanted_microchip]

I wouldn't even know how if I tried

[somethingelse]

kleiner352:

As much as you like to believe, the control you have, is not there. It will flip on you many times.
Go to a G.P. and tell them what you have written here. If you think you can not, write it down and let the Doc read it.
Ask for a referral to a psychiatrist. Then hand them the same letter you gave to the doctor, or voice it.
Dra508 is right. No matter how useless, hopeless and utterly bleak you feel - you can feel better. It won't be easy. It won't. But it WILL be worth it.
Personally, I started on this path a few years ago and while I don't have any self harm thoughts anymore, I know I still have a long way to go.
The deeper the hole, the more you mentally cement these pathways - the longer the recovery time.

[implanted_microchip]

You guys and a few other sources have convinced me to give up and seek out some professional help, so tomorrow I'm going to figure out making an appointment with someone and go from there. I'm really really scared of what all of this is going to bring but at the same time I feel a lot less suffocated because I feel like I know I'm going somewhere/doing something to try and improve and I just really, really hope that this works for me. Thanks

Update: I've got an appointment for a first time evaluation next Tuesday; glad to feel like I have some options beyond giving up on myself completely

[Dra508]

You guys and a few other sources have convinced me to give up and seek out some professional help, so tomorrow I'm going to figure out making an appointment with someone and go from there. I'm really really scared of what all of this is going to bring but at the same time I feel a lot less suffocated because I feel like I know I'm going somewhere/doing something to try and improve and I just really, really hope that this works for me. Thanks

Update: I've got an appointment for a first time evaluation next Tuesday; glad to feel like I have some options beyond giving up on myself completely

That's not giving up @kleiner352 , that's reaching out, that's great!!!! Best to you.

[Sarah K]

I hope that your appointment goes well today!

[implanted_microchip]

When I said next Tuesday I meant as in the 20th, not yesterday, sorry for the confusion! Thankfully they called and said there was an opening for tomorrow instead, so yeah, one more day before I get to go. I've never seen a therapist/psychiatrist before and am really uncertain how to talk to them, but I'm assuming they'll help guide me along, ask questions, etc. Thanks to all of you for the encouragement and best wishes.

[Dra508]

When I said next Tuesday I meant as in the 20th, not yesterday, sorry for the confusion! Thankfully they called and said there was an opening for tomorrow instead, so yeah, one more day before I get to go. I've never seen a therapist/psychiatrist before and am really uncertain how to talk to them, but I'm assuming they'll help guide me along, ask questions, etc. Thanks to all of you for the encouragement and best wishes.

Just start from the beginning...

[implanted_microchip]

Well I'm now on mood stabilizers and in a few weeks am going to try out some antidepressants, and should be seeing someone for talk therapy within the next month, too. The pills are a lot smaller than I thought they'd be and the doctor was way more cautious about just writing out prescriptions on the fly than I expected, and hopefully these things do me some good. Thanks again to everyone who has encouraged me here.

[Halo Infinity]

I'm amazed at how long I've actually stayed out of this thread. I'm still highly emotional, and I still need to work on not taking things far too personally, literally, and seriously than I really should, but I actually seem to be a lot calmer now, although I still have anger/hatred issues to work on. I think some of the advice and reassurance I've received here has really helped me out. If it's not about me being depressed and hard on myself, most of my mental and emotional problems come from having a very hard time trusting and forgiving others, while being vengeful and/or being tempted to become vengeful, and hoping that bad things would happen to people that have hurt me in the past.

Whether I like it or not, dwelling on all of those things has always become toxic for me. I sometimes have to really step back, and truly wonder why I had also ever undergone suicidal ideation in multiple parts of my life before, but it also has a lot to do with me having a hard time forgiving myself and being hard on myself, while having an obsession for being liked and pleasing others. I still try to be a good person, but it's not always easy/simple, especially when it comes down to thoughts and emotions.

@marodi @Joy Prevention Hotline @Charmingly Miserable @Pillfred - Anyway, thank you again for helping me out, and not finding me all that crazy and reprehensible as a person as this thread is where I've shared some of my darkest thoughts... even to my surprise.

It's pretty much an update to how I'm doing with this topic, considering how the 4 of you have been very helpful and understanding. Your overall concerns and supportive advice are still appreciated.

Looking back into those posts has cheered me up, and I'm more ready to accept life's challenges and surprises without being blindly optimistic and unrealistic. I also still need to learn how to not be so afraid of life, and being grateful also helps remind me why I shouldn't be that afraid to start with. Besides, it could always be worse anyway.

And as I'd even tell myself these days, especially as of now: That's just life sometimes, man.

[[parasite]]

guys what kinda meds are you, (the members that have been diagnosed) taking? I'm on,
200mg Lamotrigine
45mg Mirtazapine
1-2-3mg Lorazapam

I've been on others, like Quetiapine & Olanzapine but both those made everything slow and foggy

[implanted_microchip]

Currently on 25 of Lamotrigine a day, in a week and a half it'll be up to 50, then I'm getting some antidepressants prescribed to me afterward, no idea what they'll be.

[sukey]

I’m on 30mg of citalopram a day. Thinking about coming off it though because I’ve felt fine over the past few months. There’s always the fear that they’re the reason I feel fine though...

[marodi]

I'm taking Effexor 300 mg a day and Rivotril 1 mg a day. Effexor works great as long as I don't forget to take it. Missing a dose = hell on Earth.

[Charmingly Miserable]

@Kris I'm ALWAYS here for you.

I've been off of meds for 2+ years and I have never felt better in my life. However, the longer I am single, the more I began to doubt myself. Being without a relationship affects my self worth. I know that is the most stupidest thing to say; it's all a mental distortion. I know that I am amazing, beautiful, strong, intelligent and so forth but I can't help but to think that I can be something more. I've talked to my therapist about this. I just need to stop letting these distortions warp my head. (Maybe this should have gone in the relationship thread.)

[somethingelse]

250 mg of sertraline, 30mg diazapam, 25mg seroquel when needed.

[BrownEyedStatistic]

It amazes me how care managers are quick to give us pills these days. All my friend needed was someone to talk to and BOOM he got pills instead.
Far as I know, he's quite a jolly lad, so I went bonkers to see him return with some strong stuff and no therapy scheduled.
When he asked what sort of effects could anti-depression medication have on him, just told him, "look man, you don't need them."

"Well, what happened to you while you were on them?"

"Before the pills, I felt like dying, but I was too scared to do anything.
After the pills, I felt like dying, and I just needed to find a time, a place, and a way.
You can't just take this shit and expect the thoughts to wash themselves away.
You have to talk to people. Forget this for now and just talk to me for awhile."

[Sarah K]

I mean... Medication needs to be closely monitored, and should be one piece of the puzzle, not the entire solution. But telling someone to not take their medications is extremely shitty. "Talking to people" isn't going to change your brain chemistry if you actually *do* have a disorder.

I'm sorry that you had a negative experience with medication, and I wholeheartedly agree that meds are handed out WAY too easy. But your negative experience doesn't mean that everyone is going to have that same outcome.

[Halo Infinity]

@Kris I'm ALWAYS here for you.

Thank you. I've also noticed that it's my black and white thinking that also gets in the way, and that I sometimes need to let things go, not only because it's the right and safe thing to do, but also because I shouldn't let my pride cloud my judgment. I'm also amazed at how anger and sadness can prevent me realizing or remembering even the simplest of things, and how it even prevents me from thinking things through thoroughly. Anyway, I also still appreciate your concern.

I've been off of meds for 2+ years and I have never felt better in my life. However, the longer I am single, the more I began to doubt myself. Being without a relationship affects my self worth. I know that is the most stupidest thing to say; it's all a mental distortion. I know that I am amazing, beautiful, strong, intelligent and so forth but I can't help but to think that I can be something more. I've talked to my therapist about this. I just need to stop letting these distortions warp my head. (Maybe this should have gone in the relationship thread.)

I'm still working on that too. I understand that I should also work on myself, and take care of myself first, while being patient, but I also yearn for a relationship once in a while, even if it's just for a good time, and with an excellent rapport included. Oh yeah, and I also see what you mean, but I think it's on topic in a way, since loneliness and a low self-worth due to being single is also a mental health topic. I can't even begin to count how many times I've told myself that nobody wanted me, and that I didn't deserve to be in a loving relationship. I also need to do the same exact thing you're doing as well.

[Charmingly Miserable]

I'm glad we see eye to eye on this. Come to California.

[Halo Infinity]

Or perhaps you can also come to New York? You certainly live up to the first part of your username.

I also just wanted to include one more thing. It also occurred to me that around 15+ years later, I finally understand what people meant when they said I thought too much, and worried to much, or that I was too trusting. As for being called touchy, that I've always understood. And well, it's really true what some people say. Sometimes the best way to be okay with others is to be okay with yourself, and stop caring, but in a good way, like letting go, and not always wanting to please and impress others, especially when you're alone. Just like anybody else, I am my own person from birth until death in spite of my flaws and blunders. It's one of the best ways to become more comfortable in your own skin in a realistic way. (Or me at least, as I don't mean to speak for anybody else.)

-Edit-

I'm amazed that I'm even opening up here, but I suppose it goes to show how comfortable I've become on ETS, well, sometimes too comfortable. I've also bottled this stuff inside among other things for almost my entire life, so the inundation of paragraphs should be self-explanatory from time to time.

[Hazekiah]

I've been dealing with relationship issues regarding my (ex-?) girlfriend, which ALL stem ENTIRELY from this girl's diagnosed-but-untreated SEVERE Borderline Personality Disorder...and, frankly, I'm having a pretty rough go of it.

I've already saved her life a couple times and been MASSIVELY put-upon to deal with and help her through all this while simultaneously being trampled underfoot (and been beaten violently, stabbed at, cheated on, lied about, threatened with arrests, etc. as a show of her gratitude, w00t) but when she's stable and balanced she's a truly wonderful person, who I'm deeply in love with and deeply concerned for right now.

Her mom was reasonably supportive at first (we had a lot of time to bond over real-talk while we waited three days to see if her daughter would come out of her self-induced coma the first time I saved her life) and she even got me an entry-level WTF-is-BPD? kind of book to help me get my bearings, but then her daughter started "black-sheeping" me with her lies and, predictably, the Momma Bear instincts took over instead of logic, so that's no good now. It's pretty amazing how expertly these people can manipulate even the people most aware of their condition and its attendant issues with manipulation. Horrifying and depressing, of course...but nonetheless amazing. Such as it is.

Anyway, now that I'm pretty much on my own as far as knowing what's ACTUALLY going on with her, I've taken it upon myself to do a TON of research online and I've ordered about $100 of books about BPD from Amazon & eBay, which I'm currently working through. I'd like VERY MUCH to at least clear my name with the family and ESPECIALLY to see her FINALLY enter treatment of some sort before she kills herself one way or another, so I've been taking notes and transcribing her texts and just documenting the general progression of her illness so I can send it to her folks at some point in hopes of making my case definitively. They already know it's bad but having fallen prey to her distortions they just have NO IDEA how bad it really is now. So I'm aiming to give them a better and more accurate rundown of what's truly going on. Her stepdad-to-be also happens to be the head of the Psych. Dept. at a local college so I'm hoping he'll recognize what's happening and can finally take charge from there.

I love this girl and I've been trying desperately to build a life with her but in the end I mostly just want her to get into treatment so she can finally be happy and healthy, even if I have to help make it happen from a distance that's painful to me. If she'd finally confess to her family, friends, and coworkers about her VICIOUSLY LYING about me to gain sympathy from them along the way then that'd be GREAT too, of course. It really sucks that they're ALL treating me like shit and THINKING they're doing the right the whole time. That whole BPD-sufferer-lies-to-support-group-about-truth-teller-to-turn-social-circle-against-truth-teller-and-transform-support-group-into-enablers phenomenon is some pretty DEVIOUS shit, and having fallen prey to it, it honestly feels like PURE FUCKING EVIL sometimes.

But I've been trying to keep an open mind.

There's a lot of material out there coming from the wounded perspective of FUCK-THAT-EVIL-BITCH-GET-OUT-NOW (and I get that, omfg, I REALLY get that) but reading up on the 1st Person POV testimonials and confessions from BPD survivors, I also know that these are honestly good, thoughtful people who hate and regret the abhorrent and hurtful things their condition has made them do, especially to their loved ones. I've often wondered just wtf this bright, beautiful, beaming and talented young lady could POSSIBLY want to kill herself for, but now that I'm wise to her tricks and FULLY aware of all the awful things she does at her worst to the people who care about her the most...I kind of get the suicidal self-loathing part of it now. Shit like that CAN'T be easy to face up to when she cycles back down to relative sanity. I don't even know how the fuck she sleeps at night sometimes. But I guess that's just partly how it works in that twisted, deluded mindset.

So. Welcome to the last TWO YEARS of MY life in hell, lol.

Ugh.

Back to the point, I was just scouring the internet for help in all my other open tabs when I saw this thread at the top of General Chat and thought I'd give ets a shot, too.

If anyone here has some personal experience, advice, or suggested reading or anything like that I'd fucking LOVE to hear about it. As bad as she can be we are absolutely MAGICAL together when things are good.

And even if it's just hopeless and we can never really be together, this poor girl's LIFE is still on the line here.

I'm all ears.

:-\

[Sarah K]

It is early and I don't have reading comprehension skills.

[[parasite]]

I've been dealing with relationship issues regarding my (ex-?) girlfriend, which ALL stem ENTIRELY from this girl's diagnosed-but-untreated SEVERE Borderline Personality Disorder...and, frankly, I'm having a pretty rough go of it.

I've already saved her life a couple times and been MASSIVELY put-upon to deal with and help her through all this while simultaneously being trampled underfoot (and been beaten violently, stabbed at, cheated on, lied about, threatened with arrests, etc. as a show of her gratitude, w00t) but when she's stable and balanced she's a truly wonderful person, who I'm deeply in love with and deeply concerned for right now.

Her mom was reasonably supportive at first (we had a lot of time to bond over real-talk while we waited three days to see if her daughter would come out of her self-induced coma the first time I saved her life) and she even got me an entry-level WTF-is-BPD? kind of book to help me get my bearings, but then her daughter started "black-sheeping" me with her lies and, predictably, the Momma Bear instincts took over instead of logic, so that's no good now. It's pretty amazing how expertly these people can manipulate even the people most aware of their condition and its attendant issues with manipulation. Horrifying and depressing, of course...but nonetheless amazing. Such as it is.

Anyway, now that I'm pretty much on my own as far as knowing what's ACTUALLY going on with her, I've taken it upon myself to do a TON of research online and I've ordered about $100 of books about BPD from Amazon & eBay, which I'm currently working through. I'd like VERY MUCH to at least clear my name with the family and ESPECIALLY to see her FINALLY enter treatment of some sort before she kills herself one way or another, so I've been taking notes and transcribing her texts and just documenting the general progression of her illness so I can send it to her folks at some point in hopes of making my case definitively. They already know it's bad but having fallen prey to her distortions they just have NO IDEA how bad it really is now. So I'm aiming to give them a better and more accurate rundown of what's truly going on. Her stepdad-to-be also happens to be the head of the Psych. Dept. at a local college so I'm hoping he'll recognize what's happening and can finally take charge from there.

I love this girl and I've been trying desperately to build a life with her but in the end I mostly just want her to get into treatment so she can finally be happy and healthy, even if I have to help make it happen from a distance that's painful to me. If she'd finally confess to her family, friends, and coworkers about her VICIOUSLY LYING about me to gain sympathy from them along the way then that'd be GREAT too, of course. It really sucks that they're ALL treating me like shit and THINKING they're doing the right the whole time. That whole BPD-sufferer-lies-to-support-group-about-truth-teller-to-turn-social-circle-against-truth-teller-and-transform-support-group-into-enablers phenomenon is some pretty DEVIOUS shit, and having fallen prey to it, it honestly feels like PURE FUCKING EVIL sometimes.

But I've been trying to keep an open mind.

There's a lot of material out there coming from the wounded perspective of FUCK-THAT-EVIL-BITCH-GET-OUT-NOW (and I get that, omfg, I REALLY get that) but reading up on the 1st Person POV testimonials and confessions from BPD survivors, I also know that these are honestly good, thoughtful people who hate and regret the abhorrent and hurtful things their condition has made them do, especially to their loved ones. I've often wondered just wtf this bright, beautiful, beaming and talented young lady could POSSIBLY want to kill herself for, but now that I'm wise to her tricks and FULLY aware of all the awful things she does at her worst to the people who care about her the most...I kind of get the suicidal self-loathing part of it now. Shit like that CAN'T be easy to face up to when she cycles back down to relative sanity. I don't even know how the fuck she sleeps at night sometimes. But I guess that's just partly how it works in that twisted, deluded mindset.

So. Welcome to the last TWO YEARS of MY life in hell, lol.

Ugh.

Back to the point, I was just scouring the internet for help in all my other open tabs when I saw this thread at the top of General Chat and thought I'd give ets a shot, too.

If anyone here has some personal experience, advice, or suggested reading or anything like that I'd fucking LOVE to hear about it. As bad as she can be we are absolutely MAGICAL together when things are good.

And even if it's just hopeless and we can never really be together, this poor girl's LIFE is still on the line here.

I'm all ears.

:-\

well, sorry to hear all this bad in your life, and you loved ones,

but now this is coming from a Borderline male, we are generally really fucked up! and these core fuck ups will never go away, they are ground into us, they make us, and we are ultra selfish when in a bad phase, it never get better, just coping skills are need to be developed and worked on, with both partners, my wife of 10+ years is ONLY just getting a small idea of how my mind works, and the triggers that I allow her to know. and I think that'll be as far as that understanding will go.

I'm on medication and in crisis care, which I partake in, only because of my loved ones, (wife & daughter) if it wasn't for them, I wouldn't be doing either or I would basically not be here.

the suicidal tendencies are very very normal to a borderline medicated or not, I think about it 50% of my day, even if the day is good! I know that it will kill me eventually, and personally, I'm fine with that,

I'm lucky enough to have a spit borderline personality, good/bad, I can't control either,
and my bad personality is my more dominant, which is where my battles lie,

that was just a little ramble from me,

I'm fully open to questions, maybe some advise too, I'm all to willing to educate on BPD

[elevenism]

I've got love for the whole ETS community.
If ANYONE here EVER needs help...someone to speak to, a sympathetic ear...PLEASE pm me. I will do my very best to be there for you.

As for me, i was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and psychotic features back in 1997. At one point i was also diagnosed with schizoeffective disorder, but since i only "hallucinated" in one place, and the "hallucinations" were ghosts, and my doctor believed in ghosts, he took that diagnosis away.
I've taken all different kinds of meds, but currently i am on Celexa and Seroquel.
As a matter of fact, i have to hit the sack because my fiancee and i both have mental health appointments bright and early!

Hang in there, @Hazekiah and @kleiner352 .
I'm here for you guys, SERIOUSLY.

A girl i didn't know talked to me for eight hours a day when i was hell bent on killing myself. She saved my life.
With the internet, we can be there for one another in new ways.

And i LOVE to talk and listen when i have free time.

Love to all of you. Oh, and @marodi , that effexor is some ROOOOOUUUUGH stuff if you ever try to get off of it. I swear to god the withdrawals are worse than heroin!

[Hazekiah]

well, sorry to hear all this bad in your life, and you loved ones,

but now this is coming from a Borderline male, we are generally really fucked up! and these core fuck ups will never go away, they are ground into us, they make us, and we are ultra selfish when in a bad phase, it never get better, just coping skills are need to be developed and worked on, with both partners, my wife of 10+ years is ONLY just getting a small idea of how my mind works, and the triggers that I allow her to know. and I think that'll be as far as that understanding will go.

I'm on medication and in crisis care, which I partake in, only because of my loved ones, (wife & daughter) if it wasn't for them, I wouldn't be doing either or I would basically not be here.

the suicidal tendencies are very very normal to a borderline medicated or not, I think about it 50% of my day, even if the day is good! I know that it will kill me eventually, and personally, I'm fine with that,

I'm lucky enough to have a spit borderline personality, good/bad, I can't control either,
and my bad personality is my more dominant, which is where my battles lie,

that was just a little ramble from me,

I'm fully open to questions, maybe some advise too, I'm all to willing to educate on BPD

Wow.

Not gonna lie, I was hoping to hear something a little more positive here!

That sounds pretty damned bleak and I hope you don't mind me saying so...but then that seems to be the general point you were making so I'd assume you wouldn't.

I've already come to terms with the idea that my quasi-ex isn't ever going to magically turn into a perfectly healthy and untroubled individual, so that's really not where I'm coming from here. I'd just like to find SOME way to help get her better, at least. I would have thought that waking up in a hospital from a three-day coma after trying to kill herself or stabbing at her loving boyfriend with 8-inch kitchen knives or showing up to work only to have her manager pull her aside to ask her about the dried blood all over her from cutting herself AND me would have all been sufficient wake-up calls to AT LEAST demonstrate to herself her desperate need of psychiatric help for her ever-worsening condition...but it turns out those have just been yet more opportunities for her to gain sympathy and "support" from everyone by plying her trades of manipulation, lying, and distortion. She's somehow managed to nimbly sidestep the issue of her own dysfunction without even entertaining the notion that things are pretty bad and maybe she should seek help.

That's pretty damned baffling to me.

Luckily, you have enough love for your wife and daughter (if not always yourself) to keep your worst impulses at bay (much respect for that, btw), but I just don't know what to do with this girl. She's young and has no kids, so that's out. She's doing her damnedest to drive me away, so that's out. I mean, she loves her dog and has expressed remorse for the hell she's put her dog through, but I don't really see any way to appeal to her on those grounds successfully, lol.

Like I said, I feel like I'm pretty much left with being as available, informed, and supportive as possible while being walked all over and probably still just throwing my hands in the air and giving her family a COMPLETE rundown of every last sordid, awful little detail so hopefully THEY can eventually force her into some kind of regular treatment.

And would I be right in assuming that having lived with your disorder for so long and seemingly having been fairly guarded about it has left you perhaps TOO GOOD at self-sabotaging your own recovery? No offense intended, it just kind of sounded like that might be the case considering the general propensity towards self-sabotage for BPDs and your candid reference to how little you still let even your wife of 10 years know about your triggers and stuff.

My quasi-ex is about to turn 23 and knows almost nothing about her own relatively recent diagnosis, so I feel like there's maybe a glimmer of hope there, insofar as she doesn't really seem to have those kinds of walls too firmly in place just yet. In fact, she's kind of thankfully (albeit appallingly) transparent with that kind of thing, which really makes it all the more frustrating that she's SO able to manipulate people when, frankly, I don't even think she's particularly good at lying or hiding things. I mean, I bust her COLD almost every single time. It's even gotten to the point where I've stopped telling her HOW I could tell she was up to no good because I could SEE that she wasn't learning her lesson about good and bad, she was just simply learning how NOT to get caught that way again. Ugh.

Anyway, sorry. Now I'm just rambling and thinking out loud too.

I hope you turn a corner eventually and don't have it so rough someday. Thanks for being open and willing to discuss everything here too. Just do your homework and daily maintenance and try to remember that helping yourself overcome this adversity IS THE SAME THING as helping your wife and daughter. They're lucky to have someone who cares enough about them to stick around for them but that struggle BEGINS inside yourself, so I hope you remember to take care of yourself for yourself as much as you do for them. Even just talking shit through in here feels like a HUGE help to me (I don't really have a lot of other places I can talk about it, after all), so hopefully this whole thread will be of some help for you and everyone else here too.

Good luck, man!

I've got love for the whole ETS community.
If ANYONE here EVER needs help...someone to speak to, a sympathetic ear...PLEASE pm me. I will do my very best to be there for you.

As for me, i was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and psychotic features back in 1997. At one point i was also diagnosed with schizoeffective disorder, but since i only "hallucinated" in one place, and the "hallucinations" were ghosts, and my doctor believed in ghosts, he took that diagnosis away.
I've taken all different kinds of meds, but currently i am on Celexa and Seroquel.
As a matter of fact, i have to hit the sack because my fiancee and i both have mental health appointments bright and early!

Hang in there, @Hazekiah and @kleiner352.
I'm here for you guys, SERIOUSLY.

A girl i didn't know talked to me for eight hours a day when i was hell bent on killing myself. She saved my life.
With the internet, we can be there for one another in new ways.

And i LOVE to talk and listen when i have free time.

Love to all of you. Oh, and @marodi , that effexor is some ROOOOOUUUUGH stuff if you ever try to get off of it. I swear to god the withdrawals are worse than heroin!

Daaaaamn, that's a handful for sure!

And Jesus fucking CHRIST, a doctor that believes in ghosts in charge of the mental health of schizoaffective disorder patients, ffs. I can't even.

And much appreciated, btw...thanks for joining in and offering support. Good lookin' out!

This IS a pretty cool little corner of the community.

I'm generally used to thinking of ets as that-place-full-of-assholes-except-the-tech-geeks-and-amazing-bootleg-network-and-NIN-fan-efforts-and-resources-and-stuff-like-that (don't hate me, LOL, you all know its true), but then again I never really ventured beyond the NIN/Cinema/Music sections either so I was only seeing the tip of the iceberg, I guess.

And I've always loved it ANYWAY so it's really nice to see this place's better side a bit more now. Very refreshing! Otherwise, this community always kind of felt like a troubled gf with LOTS of dysfunctional horrible bullshit going on but a TON of good beneath the surface. You know, sort of an I-love-it-so-much-why-does-it-always-have-to-be-such-a-pain-in-the-ass? sort of situation, lol.

OMFG does ets have BPD?!?

D:

[elevenism]

Wow.


I'm generally used to thinking of ets as that-place-full-of-assholes-except-the-tech-geeks-and-amazing-bootleg-network-and-NIN-fan-efforts-and-resources-and-stuff-like-that (don't hate me, LOL, you all know its true)

D:

Dude. were you around back in 06 or 07 or so?
I SWEAR TO GOD, i would post something and then wait to see what kind of terrible shit people said back to me...no matter what i posted!

It is SO much more laid back now.
As far as the dr believing in ghosts...yeah, that's pretty fucked up now that i think about it...but i swear to GOD this house is haunted.

So okay man. My girl is pretty fucking crazy too, and we are about to get married. I'm not exactly mr sanity myself. Not to boast, but we both walk the tight rope between super intelligent and crazy. And we have had some TERRIBLE times.
But these days, we go to the same dr to get meds on the same day of the month and also have our talk therapy appts one right after the other.

Before she got better, she fucking hit me quite a bit and i also saved her life from 2 suicide attempts.

As far as your girl goes, the cheating thing is what bothers me. It hurts me FOR you man. If i were you, i would make it pretty goddamn clear that i wasn't going to cut for that shit.
You say it feels great and magical and i can understand that man, i really can.
What i'd like to see is for her to get into a psych hospital and get stable on meds. Love is love and i understand that!
Perhaps things will work out, but i think she is going to need treatment.
At the same time, don't let her walk all over you, brother man.
I had an ex that was really fucking crazy and refused to get treatment.
It took me three years to realize that she didn't really love me and would NEVER love me like i loved her.
Hang in there, man. It sounds like YOUR mental well being isn't great right now!
Man, i don't work, and i'm here a LOT. So keep me posted on how things are going.
I am the opposite of the mean part of ets. I'm fucking here for you. I have love for you because i believe in synchronicity and that we are here at the same time for a reason, and also because you seem like a cool dude, and finally, because it takes BALLS to spill your heart all over the internet to be judged.

[Halo Infinity]

I'm still a bit surprised that I got comfortable enough to express my anger and sadness on the Internet. In real life, even though I've failed to hide my anger and sadness a lot of times, I was often taught to hide it and keep it to myself, unless it was something very serious, or if I had a completely legitimate reason to be angry and sad. That was my upbringing, and I seem to bottle up my anger and sadness half of the time in real life, if not most of the time, or all of the time. It was always deemed to be shameful and destructive, or a pointless waste of time, or so it seemed.

I'll admit that I still don't know how to express anger and sadness in a way that isn't "horribly gone wrong", and that I could understand why I was taught that it was shameful, destructive, and a waste of time with the exception of the anger and sadness being over something legitimately serious. Even without any negative feedback from others, I still regret expressing those feelings, even for the small things, while feeling some shame over them. I suppose I'm just doing it now, but just for this thread, since this is the only place a post like this would really belong. And this is how I was brought up for the most part.

I also noticed that my depression and loneliness still sometimes stems from being obsessed with being liked, and people-pleasing, which is also motivated by the fear of conflict, and the fear of disappointing others. I thought I overcame that, but I was wrong. I have a tremendous fear of people having it in for me too, especially in the form of revenge. If not physical, perhaps verbal.

(But of course, that's not the case all the times, but that's also one of the several reasons why I try to be as nice as possible. I also don't believe that everybody is forgiving, compassionate, and merciful anyway, or as forgiving, compassionate, and merciful as they claim to be, especially when they tried to pull something on me, or once I've gotten on their bad sides for whatever reason.)

I'm still working on all of that though, but I actually forgot that was one huge reason as to what sometimes brings me down. I know I'm repeating myself on being alone, as I've done numerous times on ETS, but perhaps that's what I'd need yet again, as being alone helps me clear my mind, but I'm also not denying the negative aspects of being alone either.

Anyway, I'm just thankful that I have this thread to vent on ETS, as I still have an enormous tendency to keep these types of feelings tucked away as much as possible, especially in real life, so the release sometimes helps, no matter how big or small. I suppose that it's also no wonder why some people are loose cannons, as hiding emotions can hurt really bad sometimes.

[halloween]

I wasn't sure where to share this but it's been bothering me. It's about something at work (after school program). So little kids can be cute, I get that. Though most of the time I hear that is towards one of the kindergartener specifically, with autism, and it's usually whenever he does something nonsensical, clearly in his own world. Kids do this and it can be cute. Anyways, when I hear this about him I get mixed feelings because part of this "cute" behavior is his his kid self and another part is the autism. Wondered what others had to say on this.