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the duder
05-11-2012, 10:25 AM
So, I remember the ol'ETS that had a "sober" thread to counter the "Drunk Tank". As I've spent plenty of time posting in the latter, and after some shit hit the fan for me to realize I need to stay sober, I feel this is a viable thread for those of us looking to post if we need a reason to vent/share success/etc. I saw the AA thread and share similar reservations as others who posted in that thread - basically that there are multiple, statistically supported ways to sobriety - this thread is NOT intended to debate the merits of one system or another - a place to discuss sobriety.

**AGAIN: This is NOT intended to be a "recruitment" thread, nor one to judge others. As this is a discussion board, with TONS of great, open-minded people, I'm sure there are a fair amount of ETS members who are sober, straight-edge, or want to just "take a break" for a while. Why not talk about it with like-minded people?

Fixer808
05-11-2012, 04:31 PM
I feel judged.

Seriously, though, good to see this thread back.

BlueCalx
05-11-2012, 05:46 PM
Uncomfortable truth: I went to a party recently that was so unhinged, it made me want to become a cop. Since most of my ideas for good times come from the Hunter S. Thompson playbook, this is a big deal indeed.

the duder
05-12-2012, 06:06 PM
Fixer, the only reason I'd judge you is for killing people's families.

BlueCalx - yeah. I'm a bit nervous about heading back to the beach this summer, as binging is a pretty common occurance with my lifeguarding friends. I was a bit nervous about going to a concert last week, but I stayed sober and had a GREAT time (I mean, it was M83, so you couldn't have a bad time...)

Guess I'll see who is my friend or my drunk's friend.

xmd 5a
05-15-2012, 10:43 AM
I went from regular drunk to completely sober when I found out my wife was pregnant in late 2010. Was pretty easy for me since I did tons of embarrassing shit while intoxicated and always had terrible hangovers, and plus it was only fair that I stop drinking if she had to. Since July last year when our daughter came I can count the amount of times I've consumed alcohol on one hand. I don't have the craving/urge for it anymore, and I'm determined to never get drunk again.

darktemplar007
05-15-2012, 10:48 AM
I've never touched alcohol (besides two times my mom unknowingly gave me alcoholic fruit drinks). Never had an urge or intention to, it just doesn't appeal to me. I feel like such an outcast when it comes to social gatherings and such. It seems like a good chunk of our culture (American), especially around college age people, is very centered around drinking. I used to hate it, and be kind of an asshole about people who drank, but I usually don't care now. Unless it's excessive and puts people in danger.

icklekitty
05-15-2012, 11:07 AM
^I'm interested - do you see any aspect to drinking alcohol other than it gets you drunk if you drink lots? I find that a lot of people think this, but (unless you have an addiction) it's just like whether or not Dr Pepper or milk appeals to you. Bit like how some people get addicted to chocolate but for others it's just one of the foods that exists along with cheese and sweetcorn.

Similarly, there seems to be stigma if you drink one posh glass of wine over 10 beers when you go out, but nobody judges you for eating one belgian truffle over a whole box of supermarket own-brand chocs (stupid analogy, but hopefully you understand).

Dra508
05-15-2012, 01:04 PM
There is definitely a stigma amongst some that drinking wine for the joy of wine is considered weak rather then having a beer or a mixed drink. Some sort of unwarranted machismo. Also, for teens/early 20's I truly don't think they've figured out how to ration/temper/enjoy alcoholic beverages within the social group. It's all about getting hammered.

allegro
05-15-2012, 05:27 PM
There is definitely a stigma amongst some that drinking wine for the joy of wine is considered weak rather then having a beer or a mixed drink.
Ha, not in MY neck of the woods! It's an expensive hobby that's very hip, but can lead to major problems. Didn't you see "Sideways?"

Even Master Sommeliers can end up being major alcoholics. Too many "tastings."

The growing thing around here is BYOB with no corking fees, so you can bring your own $20 bottle of wine instead of giving the restaurant an 80% markup. Except people are bringing 6 bottles in with them.

the duder
05-15-2012, 08:26 PM
So I'm going to try the sobriety thing again. I was doing well for a while there, but I slipped up. It just feels like reality gets incredibly boring every now and again, and when it does it gets really tough for me to stay sober.

This. Exactly. Arranging in frequency of occurrence from most frequent to least (if ever anymore) frequent:
- There are days I don't drink at all.
- There are times I have 2-3 in the evening after school/work.
- There are times I have 6 after school/work.
- There are times I go out with friends at 8:00 with no plans and end up gong-show drunk trying to figure out a way home from wherever it is I am at.

So much of it has to do with "boredom" for me or just a lack of something to do. It doesn't effect my studies (3.89 last semester) in grad school + "20" (read as 20 on paper, 35 - 40 in reality) hours coaching per week. Because of my work, I've got to be up early - about 5:15 every day - except for Wednesdays and Saturdays. That being said, I don't go out often, though I drink often, but not so much as to "need" it or whatever. I dunno. So much of it is me feeling like I'm on a slippery slope that I feel sobriety is the only answer.

botley
05-15-2012, 11:21 PM
Jinsai, I read your original post (mostly gone now), and thought I should tell you that there's no shame in seeking help. You must know there are plenty of groups around who can help you manage this. Of course doing it alone it seems impossible, because it kind of is, and you need a support network specificially geared towards recovery. When the time comes you'll seek that out and hopefully find it.

Why do I feel the need to post this when you're clearly not yet 100% comfortable talking about this openly? Because we've had our problems in the past (all over the old board, certainly), and I want you to know that I'm generally not a disagreeable person, I just was overreacting, and none of that shit we bickered about matters in the grand scheme of things. You're a talented guy and I think you deserve a good life as much as anyone.

I hope you find some peace and solace.

allegro
05-16-2012, 11:08 PM
You know what they say:

Quitting drinking is easy. Learning how to live sober is the hard part.

Christo
09-08-2012, 10:27 AM
At then end of 2010 I had managed to get myself in a place that I can only describe as emotional hell - and this was almost entirely due to a strong alcohol habit. The year culminated in a really nasty incident which made me really begin to realise that I may have a problem with alcohol. So, at the beginning of 2011, I gave up drinking entirely. At first I found it incredibly difficult, especially with friends of mine at the time. In order to stop myself from the temptation I would actively remove myself from any situation where alcohol would be present - which obviously was a great deal of things. After 5 months of being a near recluse, I managed to put myself back into situations and control my urges to drink. This period of sobriety was honestly the best time in my life. I felt productive, calm and healthy.

In November, I began seeing someone who was not good for me. In any way. I began to fall back into old habits, as well as new ones. I was drinking more than I had ever drunk in my life, mixed with drugs, which after 10 months of sobriety, meant that these inner 'demons' (for lack of a better word) of mine came back...and with a vengeance. I should also note that I have a mild case of clinical paranoia, which, coupled with alcohol, spirals out of control and causes real deep pits of depression. I would wake up daily and just want to kill myself, but picked up a bottle instead. When this relationship ended, instead of getting better, I actually became worse. I managed to ruin strong friendships of mine (some of which to this day are still broken) and make some of the people closest to me begin to resent me. They were all very supportive: I was party to numerous forms of intervention, but chose instead to continue down my path. At the end of the day, only you can help yourself.

I won't go into too much detail, because the incident is still pretty fresh in my mind, but it took something very serious to really admit to myself that I may be an alcoholic. I started to speak to someone, and whilst I can't say it immediately helped, admitting to myself that I had a problem really helped put things into perspective. I began mending friendships I'd fucked up and tried to reduce my alcohol consumption. I knew I needed to kick alcohol all together but it was really tough for me to go cold turkey. I began to stop lashing out at friends of mine, but the depression was still there, and fuck was it blinding at times. I'm fairly good at hiding these parts of myself from those closest to me, so those who I told about being severely depressed were surprised. I think they thought because I was functioning socially that my problems with alcohol were over. But they were not.

I've been 3 weeks sober now finally, which doesn't sound like a long time, but has been an important reminder that I am capable, and hopefully will not make the same mistakes again by falling off the wagon. I think if anything, I'm more determined to stay sober than I ever was before.

Normally I'd keep these things to myself, but it does feel good to have it out there. And allegro is right, quitting drinking is the easy part, completely changing your life to be sober is another thing.

allegro
09-08-2012, 10:53 AM
Seems like everybody who finally wakes up to the fact that their drinking has become, um, problematic, got to that point after a series of stupid injuries or some kind of major "incident" (or incidents). By the time I gave up all hard liquor forever, many years ago, I'd fallen down (and up) stairs on NUMEROUS occasions, lit an oven while there was a considerable about of gas in it and nearly blew my face off and then spent hours in the ER, and stabbed myself in the eyeball with a small American flag (long story), among other things.

aggroculture
09-08-2012, 02:12 PM
Gave up drinking in May 2010, and I have never felt better. The difference is night and day.

After spending my 20s in a drunken stupor, it was time to quit. I kind of regret all the awesome things I didn't accomplish because I was too busy getting wasted all the time. For me it wasn't just about having fun - though of course there was that too - but, I think, about hiding from something: a big bad scary world, which sort of goes away when you're drunk. Except it doesn't: often it comes back worse. You start realizing that the alcohol is making things worse, not better. For me, it was giving me health problems: a hernia operation age 33 that I am pretty sure was in part caused by the drinking. I was also a mean drunk, mean and rude to the people around me at the time. I find it hard to hang around people who are drinking heavily, now. I used to find all that drama exciting, now it alienates and wearies me.

I feel a lot more grounded now: something changed in me, and I didn't want to get drunk any more. I still have the occasional drink, and have got a bit tipsy here and there from time to time, with a few beers or a cocktail before dinner. But I can't enjoy it like I used to: I am far too aware of the negative feeling that comes with it, the paranoia, and the miserable feeling after I've had a few. I used to drink to get close to people, and be together with them; now the warm feeling goes away quickly, and the drink makes me feel lonely and lost. Occasionally I feel like all I want to do is get drunk; but then the feeling passes in a few minutes. And I know I would feel like shit for three days.

playwithfire
09-26-2012, 01:34 PM
I'm not sober. I rarely drink and have never had a problem with doing so, but I just don't want to most of the time. But, I do enjoy a good beer or a gin and tonic. Etc.

That said, this seems like a hard view to really express elsewhere since drinking is such a part of everyone's lives... or well, it seems that way sometimes.

But, I seriously don't get the whole "I made out with someone! I did something else I wouldn't do so easily sober!" mentality that so many people seem to constantly have. Yeah, getting drunk and reckless is awesome, bro.

And, honestly, yeah, sure sometimes it is but WAAAAH SO MANY PEOPLE'S SOCIAL LIVES ARE CENTERED AROUND BOOZE and WAAH BOOZE IS NOT A GIANT EXCUSE TO BE A DUMBASS AND ACT UNLIKE YOURSELF except sometimes.

I don't know if I'm even getting this point across well, but that's how I feel.

Leviathant
09-26-2012, 01:44 PM
In the past year or so, especially in light of my time in Egypt, I've become increasingly aware of how completely addicted and affected so many societies are by alcohol.

I'll have a beer on Friday at lunch (it's free where I work), and that's the extent of my alcoholic drinking. Six years ago (before I got this job) I drank even less. I'll expound later when I'm not at work. I've had a small essay bouncing around in my head for the last few months.

Pillfred
09-26-2012, 02:07 PM
You know what they say:

Quitting drinking is easy. Learning how to live sober is the hard part.


Pretty much sums up where I'm at right now.

I drink most everyday but rarely get shit show drunk or maybe i do it's hard to say cause im usually just sitting around my apt being bored and trying to stay out of trouble, which i can usually manage but lately that's become an issue hence my stint locked up the other week, DUS/DUI. Got new wines at work and had a wine tasting and instead of going straight home i swung through downtown to see some people at the bar. I wasn't hammered by any means and only had like 5 blocks to go but they got me for no front license plate, or so he said. I had no issues being sober at the halfway house, granted i couldn't drink anyway but it didn't really bother me, but back in the real world its proving to be difficult to abstain. Similar to what Jinsai said about being bored i imagine.(?) I do see my time as a booze hound nearing its end here soon as i can't afford to get in trouble or worsen my already fucked up self anymore than i am. That and it would be nice to be one of the few cooks i know who isn't a total drunk. Fuck i don't know, with all the crazy shit people do anymore knocking back a six pack and getting my buzz on doesn't seem like that bad of a thing, but it seems that it's getting to be. I do see it being an issue with many other people i know besides myself as well which is playing a big part in my thinking that it may be time to put the bottle down.

Big Fat Matt
09-26-2012, 04:26 PM
im not alcohol sober, but ive been pill sober for 1320 days. ive seen and done a lot and it fucked with my head a bunch.

Pillfred
10-02-2012, 03:24 PM
Pills seem to be about the worst thing next to opiates that one can get hooked on, known many people who have had issues with them and a few who have died from it. Which makes all those commercials for the next best pill on the market all the more troublesome in my opinion.

jessamineny
10-14-2012, 08:47 AM
Today I've been drug- and alcohol-free for 22 years. o_0

the duder
11-29-2012, 11:10 AM
Pushing a full month at the moment of not drinking. After the epiphany that lead to me making this thread a while back, I spent a lot of the summer giving drinking a go again. By the end of the summer, and now having court-mandated intensive outpatient therapy 3xweek + 2 self help meetings per week, it's safe to say that I prefer myself more sober than not. I haven't felt this good in a long, LONG time. Like, since high school (98-2001) when, funnily enough, I never drank. I've shared this decision with everyone closest to me - family and girlfriend - and they're nothing but supportive. Very stoked to say the least, and look to encourage those who "think they might have a problem" or have had legitimate issues with alcohol/drugs to give a solid effort into sobriety. Shit's GOOD.

allegro
11-29-2012, 04:34 PM
^^ I wish I could hit the "Like" button 800x :-)

allegro
11-30-2012, 10:30 PM
Jinsai:
Well, ya know, alcohol is a depressant. It also causes anxiety. For the first few days, you're gonna feel like crap because your mind and body are trying to get you to drink. Tell both to shut the fuck up. Seriously. Out loud. Regularly. You can reprogram yourself but it takes a lot of regular work. This is called behavior modification. Reprogramming cause-and-effect.

Like we've said, though: quitting is easy. Learning how to live sober is the hard part. You WILL eventually get to the point where The Duder is at: where you feel so great every day, you have zero desire to go back to feeling like shit.

Understand: Alcohol is POISON to your liver. I had a good friend die a nasty death from liver disease at a fairly young age. Booze also ages you. And contributes to heart disease. Alcohol abuse is probably WORSE than smoking as far as causing deaths, especially when you consider all those DUIs.

But if you're feeling despair because you're not numb from booze, now we're talking booze as a means of avoiding something bigger than alcohol. That's gotta be fixed, too. Get some counseling? Behavior modification or integrative medicine kind of counseling.

botley
11-30-2012, 10:54 PM
anyone have any advice to give someone who feels complete despair when they try to cut alcohol/etc out of their life?
Not saying it's guaranteed to work for you, but I've heard many positive stories from people who attend AA meetings as a regular part of their recovery. Being able to share and empathize with others in the same boat is a powerful tool.

botley
11-30-2012, 11:09 PM
Maybe you know this already, but I know of many people that participate in the organization who are not religious in the slightest (and who actively disdain even the thought of worship or cultism) — yet who are able to maintain faith in the idea that life is worth living even when it seems entirely beyond your control, thanks to the principles of recovery. There are probably many recovery organizations in your city that have no trace of religious affiliation. Everyone should be so lucky! It would be great if that were the case everywhere else.

jessamineny
11-30-2012, 11:26 PM
Jinsai, I'm not sure how much help I can be. I never worked a program, and I started really young and packed it all in early in my life.

But I do know having a strong and varied support system is imperative. AA is an obvious place to start; for so many people I know, it's instrumental in their sobriety. (And there are online and telephone meetings at all times of day and night for when you can't get to a local meeting or connect with your sponsor or someone from the call list.) Identify a trusted circle of family and friends. Talk to them about your plans and ask for their support (and discuss the nature of support that would be helpful to you). Also, change doctors. You need a medical advocate, and one who knows how to help a patient detox and repair their brain. (And you can PM me if you want; I'm a good listener at the very least.)

I'm cross-addicted, and two of the most important lessons I've learned are:

1) I'll be ready when I'm ready, and I shouldn't look at failed attempts as failures or I'll feel the future is hopeless. I learned things. Progress is positive. (But you also can't use that as an excuse to pick up. A bit of a mind game with yourself, I know.)

2) I can never go back. If I have one line of coke or one vodka tonic, I'll be on a full-blown binge and may never quit again. If I have one drag of a cigarette, I'll be a full-time smoker again. If I eat a bite of sugar, I'll be on a year-long binge. Reminding myself that I can never go back (which can be hard sometimes, because my sick head is super good at trying to convince myself otherwise) helps me get through each day during rough patches.

Edit: I just saw your post about AA. Try this:
http://agnosticaanyc.org/worldwide.html#California

allegro
12-01-2012, 08:48 AM
I didn't have a support system because everybody on the planet drinks or smokes or judges and I'm a pretty private person. But I developed an inner support system and I read a ton of books. I also had to completely restructure my life for a while to reinforce my no smoking or no drinking life, i.e. don't go to places or events where people are smoking or drinking, etc. I think I stayed out of bars and clubs for at least a year after I quit smoking (which was harder than quitting drinking).

Talking with people online who have been in your shoes is a pretty good start. Ignoring the naysayers is pretty hard. Resist the urge to punch them (or use them as an excuse to go back). An ex-wife of a friend, upon hearing that I quit smoking, LAUGHED and said "HA!! How long do you think THAT will last!?" When I repeatedly ordered non-alcoholic drinks by a pool in Vegas, a waitress said "ARE YOU PREGNANT OR SOMETHING?"

Also, like jessamine said, don't view past attempts to quit as failures. People quit all the time, you can do it too. DO NOT buy into that BULLSHIT association between art and alcohol. Its a crock of shit.

Also, finally: Meditate. Read about Zen meditation. Study it. No religion required. Shogun masters used meditation. It's awesome.

Dra508
12-01-2012, 10:38 AM
Also, finally: Meditate. Read about Zen meditation. Study it. No religion required. Shogun masters used meditation. It's awesome.I approve this message. I don't have addiction issues, but have found meditation to help a lot of issues that I now realize was anxiety.

sukey
12-07-2012, 01:49 PM
My therapist recommended I read a book called Smashed: Story of a Drunken Girlhood (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Smashed_(memoir)). It's not a self-help book, but more a memoir chronically one woman growing up and her relationship with alcohol. I would recommend it to any other young women who have issues with booze - I've seen a lot of myself in it and it's made me go "shit, that's not healthy" a lot too.

allegro
12-07-2012, 11:31 PM
Books I recommend:

"Dry" by Augusten Burroughs

"Drinking: A Love Story" by Caroline Knapp

Fixer808
12-07-2012, 11:47 PM
When I repeatedly ordered non-alcoholic drinks by a pool in Vegas, a waitress said "ARE YOU PREGNANT OR SOMETHING?"
In the waitress's defence, Las Vegas only exists for people to completely fly off the rails, but I understand your point. ;)

the duder
12-08-2012, 05:09 AM
I've been practicing Vipassana meditation for about 2 months now...I'd recommend for starters tbe book "Mindfulness in Plain English". A very well written intro to 1/2 of vipassana. The second book I'm chipping away on is called Beyond Mindfullness: A Guide to Deeper States of Meditation. Good, simple introductory books about the practice.

allegro
12-08-2012, 08:52 AM
Also, "The Fine Arts of Relaxation, Concentration, and Meditation: Ancient Skills for Modern Minds" by Joel and Michelle Levey

Dr Andrew Weil has also written some great stuff about breathing that you can easily find online. Simple mindful breathing is one of the easiest forms of meditation, and you can do it anywhere.

Be careful on how you define (or avoid) "spiritual." Most meditation is based on mindfulness, which is focused on awareness and ancient life lessons about being mindful. Mantras (not required) can be as simple as my favorite: "I Am Here."

Dra508
12-09-2012, 06:43 PM
Cheers for the tips! Last time I went to a counsellor they taught me a bunch of breathing exercises which are pretty helpful With the spiritual stuff, I'm gonna keep an open mind with it all and try my best not to be dismissive of anything unless it really rubs me the wrong way.I actually have never read anything on mediation, have only gone to "classes" The yoga place I go to emphasis' mediation and breath work and occasionally has separate workshops or retreats. The most spiritual thing they say is "being open to grace". A couple of months ago my parents took me to a three day workshop they've gone to before that was called Zen Christian Mediation which sort of worried me going in, especially when I find out the leader of the mediation was a Jesuit priest! Turns out he lived in Japan for a long time and is actually also a Zen Master so the spirtual side was very tempered. If anything, when he spoke, it was more about Buddhism than Christianity. Anywho, just points so that you aren;t scared off by mediating with others. I actually find it easier.

the duder
12-10-2012, 10:22 AM
What I find interesting is how this thread has turned to discussion of spirituality and its place in recovery. As an atheist, looking at a 12 step program last May after my 2nd DUI it all clicked with what I FELT was right. What didn't was the word God. I quit attending and went back to full tilt bingeing all summer, cuz it's what the duder does!

Now, with 5 hours of outpatient per week and having a sponsor, and being TRULY open to recovery, the "god of my understanding" is not intimidating. Humility is what is needed, and knowing that there are things bigger than you in the world will surely help make you feel at place. Also, looking more at a spiritual perspective than a religious one is key. There is a difference, and it is important.

Clownboat
12-15-2012, 01:10 PM
I regularly drink and sometimes to excess. When it happens in a group setting, there's rarely a time that I don't regret my actions. Last night, I was drinking with a bunch of co-workers, and it started off splendidly. At one point, I had a bit of a breakdown, and I managed to do it away from everybody with the help of one of my best friends, who was the ultimate shoulder for me for a few really key minutes. Other than that, everything seemed fine as it was happening, but now, the next morning, I'm insanely embarrassed and I feel like I may have made myself look like a complete tool.

This is one of those things where everyone was drunk, everyone was probably acting the same way, and this is all in my head, but it's still a terrible feeling to have. It makes me feel as if I've let my friends and colleagues down in a way. And this isn't the first time. Whether it's in my head or not, it's awful to even have the idea that people I love would look down on me for being an idiot.

I've been recognizing more and more that I have a bit of a problem. I drink because reality is just so boring, and it sucks feeling wound up like a spring all the time. I'm going to stop drinking for a while, but I hope I can do it without feeling desperate.

aggroculture
12-15-2012, 01:42 PM
I can relate. That used to be my life. Every week there'd be a day when I'd wake up embarassed, ashamed, upset and paranoid because I had done - or had thought I had done or said something bad, or misbehaved in front of my friends and colleagues. There are still people to this day who won't speak to me or have a problem with me because of something I said to them when drunk.
But reality is so much more exciting now that I am off that emotional rollercoaster.

Jinsai
12-20-2012, 02:34 AM
I drink because reality is just so boring, and it sucks feeling wound up like a spring all the time. I'm going to stop drinking for a while, but I hope I can do it without feeling desperate.

I haven't had a drink in a while now, and to be honest everything is infinitely less boring. I was worried that everything would feel dull, but really things are more interesting and clearer... it hasn't been a very enjoyable process, but I think I'm starting to really appreciate this perspective a great deal better.

sukey
01-13-2013, 05:05 AM
Books I recommend:

"Drinking: A Love Story" by Caroline Knapp
Reading this now and finding it very interesting (and quite relatable).

Sober people: how do you manage to go out clubbing or dancing or whatever without booze? In studentland, it's completely inconceivable and I feel like I'd just end up a social recluse.

the duder
01-13-2013, 09:14 AM
For me, I'm finding the less I go out clubbing/dancing/whatever, the easier it is. I'm slowly leaning more on my sober supports (people I meet at meetings, sponsor, friends who don't "drink like I do") and they are crucial to me staying sober. I'm not saying to completely avoid it, that's impossible/absurd, but definitely have people around you who don't drink heavily (or at all) with you, or an "exit plan" in case you feel uncomfortable/an urge to drink.

Magtig
01-13-2013, 01:24 PM
I drink because reality is just so boring, and it sucks feeling wound up like a spring all the time. I'm going to stop drinking for a while, but I hope I can do it without feeling desperate.
As Jinsai said, reality really isn't boring especially if you replace one recreational activity with another. If you have any inclination to do any kind of out doors stuff I would recommend camping/hiking/climbing/etc more often. Take up something that builds character and a sense of wonder like astronomy. Take an interest in strange Americana roadside attractions. Tour subcultures and write a blog about it. Life is actually pretty fascinating, and people are too when you look a little more closely at them. Anyway, I'm just trying to give you a few ideas.

I have a little different problem. I don't miss drinking specifically, actually I specifically don't miss drinking. I miss oblivion. The stress buildup in my head is incredible sometimes, and it's difficult to find a release. I do find it in some of the activities I mentioned above, such as camping, but my favorite spots are three hours one-way out of the city. I've started dabbling in urban exploration as a substitute. Wandering around the aqueducts of the LA River is fucking amazing, so is sneaking into abandoned buildings.

I spent a huge chunk of 2012 wishing I weren't alive. Five continuous months of almost total depression will do that to you. Finally, I got a few free counseling sessions as part of school healthcare coverage, and the woman there encouraged me to get blood tests. After speaking with me for a couple sessions she said that my problem isn't due to some skewed outlook on life, and could very well be beyond my control. It was a huge relief to hear that. I haven't had time to get the tests yet (there are some hoops I have to jump through to get coverage), but just knowing that I have a game plan helps.

The reason I bring this up, other than getting it off my chest, is to illustrate the point that getting sober alone won't solve your problems. Being sober will put you in a position to be able to deal more effectively with them, but in many ways it's just a first step.

the duder
01-15-2013, 12:20 PM
91 days sober today. It's been a love/hate process, but I definitley like being sober every morning far more than waking up in a panic/rush/hungover.

Pillfred
04-24-2013, 02:39 PM
While I havent been sober for any real amount of time at this point i have recently started to cut way back on my drinking even though i didn't drink a lot (amount wise) i still sort of retreated back home at the end of the day to hide out and drink. I occasionally go out but thats never been a real issue. That is until the other night when i went out with a guy from work and after a few drinks and two rather large Jameson shots i found myself at home with dude knocking on my door sometime after bar close. This was a surprise to me as i don't remember much after about midnight. From what he said i was just hammered and didn't make a huge ass of myself but being as this is the second time i blacked out while drinking with him and his his penchant for large Jameson shots i've decided to seriously curtail my drinking. I would like to drink occasionally again at some point but being as it has caused me various issues that are becoming rather apparent i think its time to call it quits for a while. I've had some friends on FB do the same over the past year and much like what has been said here they all found it to be an improvement and a good life choice. Reading in here has helped too. What Aggro said about, "being afraid of the big bad world," and other comments such as Magtigs' and Duders' above along with recently ending a relationship i feel now is the time to finally start to get my shit together and this i feel would be an important step in that direction. So far i've only drank a couple times in the last couple weeks and the days i haven't i can tell a big difference if not on those days but the next ones for sure in relation to how i feel both physically and mentally. I am also going to call up the counseling services at the college as they have a sliding scale for costs that i think i can swing. Hopefully they can help me a grip on my shit better than griping a bottle has up to this point. Which until recently wasn't a huge issue but after all that has happened due to drinking i think i owe it to myself and everyone else i know to get my shit straight as i can.

Wretchedest
04-24-2013, 03:56 PM
I used to smoke a ton of weed. Like a preposterous amount of weed. I was selling it too and it got to be ahuge problem. I was high all the time like some vacant husk... time just lind of washed over me. On the old ETS there some of my posts are a great example of how this wasnt working out. I got robbed at gunpoint... i got pulled over with a pound in the trunk and got away with it by he sking of my teeth.

I tried to quit really often, but even tolerance breaks were difficult for me. Part of the problem was that it was such a part of my life, o couldnt go aan hour without someone trying to smoke with me. The only way i was able to break away was by shifting my social life around. I also started to seethat my career in video was becoming a real possibility, instead of something that would never happen. So i was very motivated. I started hanging out in the substance free dorm, with the nerdier crowd. It sounds wierd but embracing my inner nerd really helped me overcome the challenge of quitting weed.... i picked up magic: the gathering again. Its hard to afford magic AND drugs. but there was some overlap and a few relpapses. I feel responsible for bringing some of those guys over to that lifestyle.

My career started to blossom... i hit a harder rock bottom and i just necame more motivated. Its been about two years since drugs. Its rarely tempting to go back and i think its because ive put pther hobbies in its place, amd because ive effectively demonized most of my own use. Its the time i look back in a positive light that i am really tempted, so i try to remember why it wasnt good..

vpintz
05-01-2013, 06:55 PM
Here for the drug sobriety. I still drink like a fish that drinks a lot.

I feel like I might be on the edge of a relapse (for both drugs and ED) and that scares me, so. yeah. brb scouring this thread. tyia. <3

the duder
05-02-2013, 09:08 AM
I remember when I started this thread, and how frightened I was about the idea of NEVER DRINKING AGAINNNNNNNN (spoken in a deep, monolithic tone). When I embarked on this journey a year ago (after DWI #2), I made it 3 weeks and felt that was enough time to show that I had control. Then I started back into the heavy drinking - not to the point of blacking out every time - but I genuinely felt like shit about the amount I had drank. I knew I was gonna be facing court stuff (outpatient rehab + mandated AA attendance for a reduced charge), but that wasn't going to hit until I made it back to Buffalo to finish my masters degree, so I made the summer my last hurrah.

Out of fear of consequences, I threw myself into all of this stuff. I didn't want to mess things up further. As I invested into this process, I realized a lot of things. Far too many to put into a message board post, but the general points are that:
1.) I wasn't just a "problem drinker" - I'm an alcoholic.
2.) I thought I had/have everything under control, and can do everything. "I know I've got too much on my plate, but I took it all, and no, thank you, you can't help me. I've got this." was my mindset.
3.) As an atheist, any talk of higher power no longer turns me into a shallow, Hitchens/Harris/Dawkins quote spouting dickbag. I've softened on my views and have come to understand the difference between religion and spirituality - as well as gaining the ability to appreciate the benefits of either or both. (For anyone interested, this is a BRILLIANT book.)
4.) I've taken an affinity for meditation and a keen insight into trying to practice mindfulness.

6.5ish months sober and really, really content with my life right now. Kind of random/disjointed post, but I'm guessing the point is that if you're thinking of using, you're doing the right thing by looking to others for help and advice.

Pillfred
05-20-2013, 02:50 PM
So within the last two weeks i've only gone out drinking a few times once was my birthday and a couple nights after that. That said i haven't drank at home by myself at all in that time. And after cutting myself some b-day slack i have since returned to my hopefully regularly scheduled program of abstention. Also i think i may start to hit up some AA meetings to keep myself reminded to stay on point. I've recently started seeing a counselor through one of the colleges here in town a few weeks back. I don't expect a black and white change but overall i feel positive about these choices.

the duder
12-09-2013, 04:27 AM
13 and 1/4 months sober.

the duder
02-09-2014, 06:34 PM
So the past few months I've noticed that my drinking has lead to me doing increasingly stupid things while I'm drunk. Thankfully none of them have caused any problems yet. It hasn't been affecting my work, my social life or anything else. If anything, it's lead to me being more social and having more fun. But I've done some things that could have ended badly & were rather stupid (I'd rather not go into details).

I'm just wondering from those who are sober because of having a problem with drinking, what led to you recognising that and deciding to go sober? We all do stupid things when drunk, but where's that line for you that when you crossed you realised "I have a problem with drinking, I shouldn't do it at all."

There's such a culture around drinking while at Uni in Australia, and I do enjoy it quite a lot, so I'd rather drink than not. But I have this horrible feeling that one day I'll do something stupid and I'll end up ruining my life or others. I just dunno if that's reason enough to stop drinking at all, or if it's just something that I need to keep in mind when I go drinking so that I keep myself in check.
This was me around 2006/2007. I was still in university and in my 5th year of classes (due to changing my major after my sophomore year). During my first four years of university - as a student athlete - we had strict, self imposed guidelines about partying during season. During the "dry season", we did not drink or go out and party. Since, in my 5th year, I didn't have to be accountable to our team and adhere to our "dry season" guidelines - I found myself getting hammered more frequently and doing more and more stupid shit. I really enjoyed drinking, but thought the exact same thing: "this might be getting out of hand." Friends would say "No WAY! You're FUN when you're wasted!" - and who doesn't want to be "FUN"? I sure as fuck do!

Fast forward to 2012 and my 2nd DUI, it hit me that I had a problem and it was out of hand. I was by no means a "down and out drunk" with no job or future, but I sure as fuck was - and still AM - and alcoholic. A lot of other things that clued me in to that fact, other than the arrests. One was that, I found that I typically drank more than my friends. I would often come home from the bar and have a few more beers - by myself. When I lived in Sweden, I hid whiskey bottles in behind other stuff above my fridge so friends who came over wouldn't think I was an alcoholic. I had a pantry filled with bags loaded up with empty beer bottles/cans because I didn't want to take them to the recycling center because, you guessed it, I didn't want people to think I was an alcoholic. I would get anxious as soon as I got home and would have to crack a beer before even letting my dog out. I would put beer into an old McDonald's cup so I could have my second beer while walking my dog around our neighborhood - just to relax.

Anyway, like I said, I totally identified with a lot of stuff you said. Drinking or not drinking is your choice, but if you are afraid of the consequences of what you do when you drink, then you probably aren't a "normal" drinker.

Ryan
02-09-2014, 06:49 PM
Getting into a serious relationship and having a baby later in August this year. I've changed for the better.

Halo Infinity
02-20-2014, 01:08 PM
I've found this guy's channel on sober recovery interesting. I thought his videos would definitely be worth posting in this thread. He's punkmofo on YouTube.

http://www.youtube.com/punkmofo


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PAy_lw9HYB8


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7iSu0ZIJTGk


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_lfxpUAbSDc


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gaJk154PO0M


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7zjJKW-Cnag


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4hYmvYQXv94


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XQQ8-B8SGJY


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QKsIj52USgc

the duder
09-28-2014, 07:29 PM
One year and 11 months sober...almost as long as this thread's been alive! Woot!

the duder
11-07-2015, 08:31 AM
Bump: 3 years and 5 days sober. Married, a home owner, killing it at my job, minimal financial stressors at this point. Looking back at some of my old posts here - both this thread and the drunk tank when I used to drink - and it's crazy how different things are. Many thanks to those of you who offered your kind words of support.

Christo
05-04-2016, 02:56 PM
At then end of 2010 I had managed to get myself in a place that I can only describe as emotional hell - and this was almost entirely due to a strong alcohol habit. The year culminated in a really nasty incident which made me really begin to realise that I may have a problem with alcohol. So, at the beginning of 2011, I gave up drinking entirely. At first I found it incredibly difficult, especially with friends of mine at the time. In order to stop myself from the temptation I would actively remove myself from any situation where alcohol would be present - which obviously was a great deal of things. After 5 months of being a near recluse, I managed to put myself back into situations and control my urges to drink. This period of sobriety was honestly the best time in my life. I felt productive, calm and healthy.

In November, I began seeing someone who was not good for me. In any way. I began to fall back into old habits, as well as new ones. I was drinking more than I had ever drunk in my life, mixed with drugs, which after 10 months of sobriety, meant that these inner 'demons' (for lack of a better word) of mine came back...and with a vengeance. I should also note that I have a mild case of clinical paranoia, which, coupled with alcohol, spirals out of control and causes real deep pits of depression. I would wake up daily and just want to kill myself, but picked up a bottle instead. When this relationship ended, instead of getting better, I actually became worse. I managed to ruin strong friendships of mine (some of which to this day are still broken) and make some of the people closest to me begin to resent me. They were all very supportive: I was party to numerous forms of intervention, but chose instead to continue down my path. At the end of the day, only you can help yourself.

I won't go into too much detail, because the incident is still pretty fresh in my mind, but it took something very serious to really admit to myself that I may be an alcoholic. I started to speak to someone, and whilst I can't say it immediately helped, admitting to myself that I had a problem really helped put things into perspective. I began mending friendships I'd fucked up and tried to reduce my alcohol consumption. I knew I needed to kick alcohol all together but it was really tough for me to go cold turkey. I began to stop lashing out at friends of mine, but the depression was still there, and fuck was it blinding at times. I'm fairly good at hiding these parts of myself from those closest to me, so those who I told about being severely depressed were surprised. I think they thought because I was functioning socially that my problems with alcohol were over. But they were not.

I've been 3 weeks sober now finally, which doesn't sound like a long time, but has been an important reminder that I am capable, and hopefully will not make the same mistakes again by falling off the wagon. I think if anything, I'm more determined to stay sober than I ever was before.

Normally I'd keep these things to myself, but it does feel good to have it out there. And allegro is right, quitting drinking is the easy part, completely changing your life to be sober is another thing.

Wow. Didn't remember posting this. Kind of eye opening to me right now - I've just started going to AA after 4 years of basically tearing my life apart with booze. Makes me wish I'd done this much sooner. But hey ho, it's a lesson learnt.

& hi. It's been a while.

kel
05-22-2016, 01:24 PM
43 days since my last drink. reading, taking walks, and writing lists are some simple things that keep me afloat. the thought of starting over at zero days also plays a part.

SarahConnor
05-22-2016, 05:33 PM
I'm five years sober this April. ...I went to AA for around two years. I'm starting to ramble, already, so I'll compose something maybe and post again. Good luck to all of you struggling. Its a real devil

the duder
05-22-2016, 06:53 PM
Congrats! I'm at 3 and a half years now myself. Just started going back to AA meetings (sporadically) in the area and was asked to give the lead at a meeting this Saturday. Debating on whether I should or not.

Millionaire
05-23-2016, 07:27 AM
4 years. I think running, working out, and eating healthy helps. Its like I don't want anything to interfere with this healthy mountain I've been climbing. Also sex is a lot better being healthy and sober, so thats a bonus that I don't want to mess with.

Sutekh
11-08-2016, 08:00 AM
Drinking myself stupid for about ten years, mostly at weekends but recently I've been about to put away 6-8 pints of an evening and not feel that drunk. Started developing abscesses that needed surgery.

Also got to the point where I sort of jump when I see my reflection. It's been easy to get this far because I can fulfil my responsibilities fine, I'm 30 but I own my own house, got a decent job, and a girlfriend way out of my league whos been loyal for nearly 13 years.

But yeah, I've kind of gone from looking like Bill steer to looking like hagrid within 10 years. Not great. My life going so well means I could kid myself.

I never drink during the day and rarely drink during the week, but it's begun to creep in during the evenings. I don't get withdrawal so thankfully I'm not at the all or nothing stage yet, not what would conventionally be described as alcoholic, but I've just decided to count myself lucky and draw a line under it before it gets any more serious.

I figure I can get fat and haggard and drunk when I'm middle aged anyway

Going to fully stop until I start to look better, after that strictly limit it to special occasions, if that.

Only been about a week by I have to say I kind of feel relieved just for finally admitting it and resolving to do something

GibbonBlack
11-08-2016, 08:12 AM
I never drink during the day and rarely drink during the week


I remember before I quit I would think "well, I can't be that bad, I never drink on work days" but then after I quit I read somewhere that that's one of those silly things that alcoholics tell themselves to convince themselves they don't have a problem. "I never drink before 5 and if I was an alcoholic I'd be drinking all the time, so I MUST be ok". It's interesting how we can do things like that.


Anyway, I'm glad you've realised and are going to do something about it :)

Sutekh
11-08-2016, 08:42 AM
Cheers mate! Yeah it's a case of... well whatever the term for what I'm doing is, it certainly isn't a long term strategy for happiness or survival. Pretty embarrassing it's come to this, but that's life

I am wondering how I'm going to fill the time and whether I'll enjoy stuff as much (I have never been to a concert sober - ever), but I look so terrible and the surgery was so painful for so long afterwards that im not actually worried. There's no doubt in my mind

I can still smoke at least, so my life isn't buzz free

How long ago did you quit? Did you notice any big changes? I've only been quit a short while and already I feel so much less tired

the duder
11-08-2016, 08:48 AM
Drinking myself stupid for about ten years, mostly at weekends but recently I've been about to put away 6-8 pints of an evening and not feel that drunk.
That was my situation entirely, though it got to the point some weeknights - maybe 1-2, but enough - I'd be up until about 1 AM with roommates at the time and we'd kill a 30 pack between 3 of us and some fireball, jager or other sort of spirit.

I never drink during the day and rarely drink during the week, but it's begun to creep in during the evenings. I don't get withdrawal so thankfully I'm not at the all or nothing stage yet, not what would conventionally be described as alcoholic, but I've just decided to count myself lucky and draw a line under it before it gets any more serious.
I was the same way, except for one time I decided to have a beer with lunch while in grad school. I had some pounders of Molson Canadian, and decided to have JUST ONE with lunch. That turned into killing 4 within an hour and catching a solid buzz before showing up to work. While I was coaching, an assistant said "do you smell booze?" and I tried to play it off on one of my athletes.

Going to fully stop until I start to look better, after that strictly limit it to special occasions, if that.
Man I thought the same thing. I'm 4 years sober now and don't want to even jeopardize my time. I'm at a point where the craving is gone and the impulse quickly subsides. #blessed

Only been about a week by I have to say I kind of feel relieved just for finally admitting it and resolving to do something Keep going a day at a time! You've got this!

Sutekh
11-08-2016, 08:55 AM
Many thanks guys... got a big hurdle on the horizon, Xmas dinner with my Irish family where they start drinking with breakfast and carry on into the small hours. Going to say I'm on heavy antibiotics for a wisdom tooth and leave immediately after dinner, lol

Thanks again for the encouragement, I don't breathe a word of this to anyone IRL so it's reassuring to hear of similar situations - especially ones going so well

GibbonBlack
11-08-2016, 09:28 AM
I am wondering how I'm going to fill the time and whether I'll enjoy stuff as much (I have never been to a concert sober - ever), but I look so terrible and the surgery was so painful for so long afterwards that im not actually worried. There's no doubt in my mind

...

How long ago did you quit? Did you notice any big changes? I've only been quit a short while and already I feel so much less tired

I find that I enjoy pretty much everything I do more now. I had to change the way I socialise, but I've made a real effort to still hang around with the same people (I just leave a party before everyone starts repeating themselves over and over). My friends are the most supportive people ever and there's never any shortage of tipsy people telling my how well I've done, they all saw how bad I was so they always mention the great change in me.

It's worth noting that going to parties sober and seeing all the drunk people is a great way to remind yourself why you quit :p

I do more active things nowadays and when I go somewhere I go to that place to see that place, rather than to have a quick look and then find the local pub.

I've been sober for 3 years and 2 months :)

the duder
11-08-2016, 09:36 AM
I feel your pain! I was stressed to the max before my first thanksgiving dinner with my now in-laws. I shared at an AA meeting how nervous I was. In my head, I was freaking out - how do I tell her family that I'm a recovering alcoholic with two DUI's on my record? An old timer eloquently and effectively shut me up. Paraphrasing here, but he said "You don't have to tell them a fucking thing. They don't have to know shit." I laughed, and he expanded. "You mean to tell me you think that man whose daughter you're dating is going to be UPSET that you DON'T drink? He doesn't give a shit. Nobody gives a shit that you don't drink."

It was reassuring and true. I lied and said I was training for a triathlon. They now know all of my story, but at that time, and still, nobody cares. My first wedding sober was tough, too. It was a good friend of mine from my beach patrol days; we would get shitty EVERY night and sweat it out in the morning. It was somewhat awkward at first, but by the end of the night, it was a non-factor. I spent my entire wedding sober and sang "I Believe In A Thing Called Love" to my wife (and entire wedding of about 175 people) with the band.

Concerts, weddings, holiday parties are easier - the little twinge of "outsider" still kicks in before an event, but once it's on, NOBODY CARES! The more you do things sober, the more you realize you don't NEEED that shit in your life. It's crazy the stories we manufacture about reality, and how alcohol can co-opt them so quickly and effectively.

GibbonBlack
11-08-2016, 10:07 AM
Concerts, weddings, holiday parties are easier - the little twinge of "outsider" still kicks in before an event, but once it's on, NOBODY CARES! .


This is so true. Drunk people don't care if you're sober, they'll talk to you just the same. And talking to drunk people when you're sober is really, really easy.

eversonpoe
01-10-2017, 09:14 AM
my wife and i decided a few months ago that after my b-day party that was this past saturday, we were gonna take a break from drinking for the foreseeable future. of course, we have a bunch of booze leftover from the party (plus a nice bottle of gin i had bought for us that we didn't end up drinking before the party), so i'm glad we're having some people over on friday for Friday The 13th Part 3 in 3-D and we'll be able to unload it on them.

neither of us have a drinking problem, but we both want to be a little healthier, lose a little weight, and save a little money. we tend to drink about 2-4 nights per week (pretty much always at home), and we snack A LOT when we have drinks (to keep us from getting hangovers), so this will definitely help with our goals. i'll miss tasty drinks but i think it'll be worth it.

elevenism
01-11-2017, 01:31 AM
You guys know about my drinking; i have talked about it TOO much.

At any rate a few months ago i thought i had like "outgrown" alcoholism and started keeping wine at the house. At first it was a couple of glasses now and then, then a couple of glasses every night. But i was all proud of myself and shit.
Then all of the fucking sudden i found myself drunk off that wine 24-7 and NEEDING to run to the fucking store for more and having to have a big glass the second i woke up.
It all collapsed in epic fashion when i had to go to a drs appointment. I drank all night and slept for like 4 hours (i was still drunk and didn't know it.) I was out of pain medicine and wanted to feel okay for the 180 mile round trip to the dr so i took a bunch of xanax, and while i was getting ready, i fucking PASSED OUT. Like sitting there in the chair, with my wife and mother screaming at me, and i couldn't respond and couldn't move and felt like i was like flying around. I missed my fucking appointment.
I was afraid this was my spirit trying to leave my body, but they said my respirations were okay and everything. But this shit, oh god y'all.
I was only full fledged drunk all the time for like 10 days, but it was obviously a nasty slip.

I went through AWFUL withdrawals, but all i could keep thinking was that those withdrawals were NOTHING compared to what the liquor withdrawals and seizures and shit were like in the old days. I remembered how much worse it could get.

That was like a month ago. I haven't had any desire for a drink since then.
I had started doubting AA and thinking that i COULD drink again, but it turns out that i was wrong.
Now i am going to attempt to not ever drink again, because if i ever got back to where i was with the vodka, i would fucking kill myself.

There are no AA meetings in this town. They just started an NA meeting, but how the fuck i'm gonna join NA while taking such strong opiates for my back? I would feel like a total fucking fraud, plus, if you don't know, NA uses a totally different text than AA so i couldn't just mentally substitute narcotics for alcohol when they say narcotics. That AA book is pretty much my religion. I wish there was a fucking meeting here, but still, since that slip, so far so good.

elevenism
01-11-2017, 12:02 PM
I did not think such a town existed in the United States.
Alas, it does.
I spent most of my life in the big D, but after a series of unfortunate events, wound up in my ancestral home of Stratford, Tx, population 2017.

Archive_Reports
01-11-2017, 02:36 PM
my wife and i decided a few months ago that after my b-day party that was this past saturday, we were gonna take a break from drinking for the foreseeable future. of course, we have a bunch of booze leftover from the party (plus a nice bottle of gin i had bought for us that we didn't end up drinking before the party), so i'm glad we're having some people over on friday for Friday The 13th Part 3 in 3-D and we'll be able to unload it on them.

neither of us have a drinking problem, but we both want to be a little healthier, lose a little weight, and save a little money. we tend to drink about 2-4 nights per week (pretty much always at home), and we snack A LOT when we have drinks (to keep us from getting hangovers), so this will definitely help with our goals. i'll miss tasty drinks but i think it'll be worth it.

My wife and I gave up drinking last year for pretty much these exact reasons. This Saturday it will be a year since I've had any alcohol and I'm probably in the best shape I've ever been in. (Obviously not from just kicking booze, but eating better and exercising as well.)

eversonpoe
01-11-2017, 03:25 PM
My wife and I gave up drinking last year for pretty much these exact reasons. This Saturday it will be a year since I've had any alcohol and I'm probably in the best shape I've ever been in. (Obviously not from just kicking booze, but eating better and exercising as well.)

ugh, come help me exercise. i'm so bad at staying motivated because i can hardly find time to exercise : /

Archive_Reports
01-11-2017, 03:43 PM
ugh, come help me exercise. i'm so bad at staying motivated because i can hardly find time to exercise : /

I found it was easier to stick to it at the beginning if we went together and held each other accountable. Once I got into a routine of doing X activity on X day, it became second nature. Now I feel guilty if I don't go for whatever reason.

I absolutely despise working out (cardio, lifting, whatever) so I'm not one of those people that finds peace in it. I just wanted to look better and (hopefully) not die at 50.

eversonpoe
01-11-2017, 03:49 PM
I found it was easier to stick to it at the beginning if we went together and held each other accountable. Once I got into a routine of doing X activity on X day, it became second nature. Now I feel guilty if I don't go for whatever reason.

I absolutely despise working out (cardio, lifting, whatever) so I'm not one of those people that finds peace in it. I just wanted to look better and (hopefully) not die at 50.

i can't go to a gym, i have to do it at home. there's something about the idea of exercising in front of a bunch of people that just fills me with dread.

i know it's only been a few days, but i haven't once felt an urge for like "eh, a drink would be nice" so i'm off to a good start. i think having a firm cut-off date was a really good idea.

Archive_Reports
01-11-2017, 03:57 PM
i can't go to a gym, i have to do it at home. there's something about the idea of exercising in front of a bunch of people that just fills me with dread.

Yeah, I get rushes of anxiety at times when I'm there. The good news is that there are plenty of things you can do around the house (I have done curls and head crushers with musical equipment in a pinch) if you don't want to gym it up.

elevenism
01-11-2017, 07:15 PM
Sesquipedalism , you described some truly prodigious drinking.

When you quit, did you not shake? Hallucinate?

elevenism
01-11-2017, 08:41 PM
No, neither. I was as prepared as I could be for the worst and nothing happened. Which was somehow pretty worrying in and of itself.
Amazing.
I shook VIOLENTLY, had a few seizures and bouts with hallucination

Corona Radiata
01-15-2017, 06:01 PM
I'm addicted to the worst of the worst and I need to get clean within the next 3 weeks. It's going to be a bitch physically and mentally. I'm so not ready. But it's time.

the duder
01-21-2017, 03:12 PM
Corona - start ASAP if you haven't. Find resources or groups of likeminded others. Get phone numbers. Call someone who's clean every day to check in. Pulling for you.

Substance242
10-22-2017, 05:57 AM
So, I am sober for a year and 7 months (I am a "quartal" alcoholic, sober for several months then drinking to death for a few days alone not going to work or picking up phone or anything, various methods of escape), plan to keep it up, and it's - dare I say - easy, probably also thanks to a community I am visiting each Thursday. But I'll stop going there.

I want to be part of something, where people are geuinely trying to help, to listen, and to talk, and understand. But here, nowadays there are maybe 60 people, and half of them I don't want there - relatives which I can't trust, clients currently being there I can't trust, and what's the worst, this depends on who is doing the "show" on that day. Sometimes it's about 20 people and cool, but when the best entertainer :-) is doing the "show", crowded. Good for them (relatives, clients) if this works for them, keep it up, but I don't want to be part of the show where people go depending on who is the main act.

Also a detail, they're charging my insurance without ever telling me about that, which is not exactly big problem (health insurance here is cheap and no-one will ever complain about these charges to me, as they should not). Once I asked where are all the money because we should get nicer place for that, that didn't go very well neither... ;-)

Anyway, I found different group and will check how it works there. It wouldn't be smart to just stop going completely. I like how "comfortably boring" (my term) my life is now. :-)

the duder
11-05-2017, 07:21 AM
I want to be part of something, where people are geuinely trying to help, to listen, and to talk, and understand. But here, nowadays there are maybe 60 people, and half of them I don't want there - relatives which I can't trust, clients currently being there I can't trust, and what's the worst, this depends on who is doing the "show" on that day. Sometimes it's about 20 people and cool, but when the best entertainer :-) is doing the "show", crowded. Good for them (relatives, clients) if this works for them, keep it up, but I don't want to be part of the show where people go depending on who is the main act.

Anyway, I found different group and will check how it works there. It wouldn't be smart to just stop going completely. I like how "comfortably boring" (my term) my life is now. :-)

Yeah I hear you on the challenge of finding the right group, and good on you for recognizing that stopping going completely is a bad idea. I had a bit of a struggle moving from Buffalo (where I first got sober) to rural Delaware. It's a small town vibe down here, where everyone knows everyone elses' business. Luckily, I've got a great co-worker who has over two decades of sobriety to talk with during my planning period. He's retiring next month, which is a bummer, but we plan on meeting regularly. For me, it works.

Also - yesterday was my 5 year anniversary. Feeling good about how far I've come and where I'm at in life. "Comfortably boring" is not bad at all!

Thomas W Jefford
11-05-2017, 01:22 PM
I'm now 14 months sober, I reached that point where instead of things being fun, I could see more negatives.

I had a big wake up call on a camping trip over summer last year, after taking too much MDMA any one person should ever take in one night, After laying down for a good while when others slept, I went to answer natures call, walked to a river bank, but I just stood there and blacked out, came around after hitting my head on a tree (luckily hitting that and not falling down the bank into the river)
passed out a good number of times trying to get back to the tent.
Two weeks later I took Acid and it was a night of bad craziness, everything had become ugly on it, I felt that my relationship with drugs had completely changed.
From that day I swore to stay sober and have not looked back since.

A month or so after I applied to be a bus driver, done my training and started that as a new job, to get my highs these days means running to the time table and hiking in the mountains on my days off.

Substance242
12-31-2017, 06:26 PM
So, 2017 was first sober calendar year for me since... I don't know, it's quite normal here to offer some alcohol to pretty young children, you know, just a sip won't kill him, right?

I am joking that since nearest shop is 2 km away, I'm too fucking lazy to carry some heavy bottles all the way. :-) It feels quite easy and thankfully I don't have big cravings, but I know very well that the monster is still inside me, waiting patiently for me to slip... so I'll keep going to the meetings and be careful.

Substance242
12-16-2018, 01:58 PM
...and I am sober for 1000 days tomorrow, yay! Is my life amazing now? Absolutely not! ;-) But still worth it.

Bachy
12-29-2018, 06:11 PM
Wow. 1000 days. It's tough to top that.

The last few years, I had notice my alcohol use getting a little out of control. When I moved to Colorado, I said to myself that I would try to wean myself off of it especially considering I was moving in with my girlfriend and her daughter, so it was time to be more responsible. Well, that didn't exactly go to plan. I still drank here and there. It was okay for a while, but then one night I just must have lost control. I don't remember what happened since I blacked out. Apparently I said some really horrible things that my girlfriend told me a few days later when we talked about it. All I truly remember is the hangover the morning after which was abysmal. So I told her that day that I was seriously going to change because that sort of behavior is not acceptable, irresponsible, and frankly unhealthy. I said I was going to very gradually get off of it, because I had heard going cold turkey could be dangerous. Well, one week became two, which became three, and well, I haven't had a drink in 52 days.

I still do smoke weed, so I'm not 100% sober. But unlike with alcohol where I had a tendency to drink an excess of it, I'm able to be more responsible with my use. I mainly attribute this to the fact because I really didn't smoke all that much. Living in Illinois, it was illegal, so I really didn't partake unless I was in a state where it was legal, or happened to be around some friends who were carrying it.

Since I've stopped drinking, I swear I've been sleeping so much better. I used to struggle with insomnia every once in a while, but now I can't remember the last time I had difficulty sleeping.

One question, does anyone who doesn't drink still have alcohol in their home? I was talking to my girlfriend about this. I find it almost comforting to keep it in the house. I don't have the urge to drink it really at all. The fact that I can see it there and still resist - it does give me a little shot in the arms in terms of self-esteem/sense of accomplishment.

GibbonBlack
12-29-2018, 07:48 PM
One question, does anyone who doesn't drink still have alcohol in their home? I was talking to my girlfriend about this. I find it almost comforting to keep it in the house. I don't have the urge to drink it really at all. The fact that I can see it there and still resist - it does give me a little shot in the arms in terms of self-esteem/sense of accomplishment.

I did for about 6 months. It all got gradually drank by people who were visiting or whatever and I've never replaced it.

I feel like having some booze in front of you makes it your decision not to drink. If you throw everything away and hide yourself away all you'll do is want to find some drink. But if it's right there in front of you and you choose not to drink it? You got this. It's all good :)

Congrats on 52 days.

RJK
12-29-2018, 11:42 PM
Today is 6 years with no alcohol.

Substance242
12-30-2018, 06:59 AM
One question, does anyone who doesn't drink still have alcohol in their home?

I don't, and it's not recommended. This is not like some fight when you have to prove how amazing you are, because weak moment can appear anytime and... is it worth it? Going out to buy something would take you some time to think "wait, what the hell am I doing..." But for me this is easy since I live alone.

Tom
04-18-2019, 01:54 PM
My partner reminded me today that we'd passed my anniversary (April 1st) - seven years booze free.

the duder
04-18-2019, 04:07 PM
Congrats! Had to reopen my app and saw that today is day 2,354 without a drink.

Glad to hear everyone is doing well!

Pillfred
07-20-2019, 03:09 PM
Sitting on 14 days no booze. Smoked some to help sleep first couple days otherwise it's not been terrible. When I get back home (pet sitting) im gonna start hitting meetings I think. Already rarely smoke the reefer not concerned about that. Seems like the right time and thing ti do. So when I post dumb shit no I've not been drinking, for better or worse.

GibbonBlack
07-20-2019, 09:56 PM
Sitting on 14 days no booze. Smoked some to help sleep first couple days otherwise it's not been terrible. When I get back home (pet sitting) im gonna start hitting meetings I think. Already rarely smoke the reefer not concerned about that. Seems like the right time and thing ti do. So when I post dumb shit no I've not been drinking, for better or worse.

Congrats!

kel
01-25-2020, 11:33 AM
i've been sober since september 10th. 138 days.

i've had to re-learn how to enjoy things without alcohol. music, video games, company. everything. i can almost recognize the guy i see in the mirror every morning. i lost close to 30 pounds -- and it seems i can eat whatever i want, as much as i want, without gaining.

watching a loved one i used to drink with every night die quickly from cirrhosis and stage five kidney disease is what got me here. and what's keeping me here.

GibbonBlack
01-25-2020, 04:26 PM
i've been sober since september 10th. 138 days.

i've had to re-learn how to enjoy things without alcohol. music, video games, company. everything. i can almost recognize the guy i see in the mirror every morning. i lost close to 30 pounds -- and it seems i can eat whatever i want, as much as i want, without gaining.

watching a loved one i used to drink with every night die quickly from cirrhosis and stage five kidney disease is what got me here. and what's keeping me here.

Re-learning how to do things is one of the trickier aspects of suddenly becoming sober. I'm glad you're handling it :) Congrats on 138 :D

Jon
02-25-2020, 03:08 PM
It's officially been 7 years since my last sip of alcohol. Fuck yes.

tricil
02-25-2020, 04:49 PM
It's officially been 7 years since my last sip of alcohol. Fuck yes.

Congratulations! 7 years is a long time! I hit a decade last November myself.

Siah13
02-25-2020, 05:31 PM
It's officially been 7 years since my last sip of alcohol. Fuck yes.

Hey hey! Congrats on the 7 years! How awesome!

Magnetic
03-24-2020, 09:48 AM
I am on day 2.
While I don't think I was problematic, I was routinely drinking more than the recommended amount on a daily basis. This COVID-19 has scared me straight, because alcohol depresses the immune system, and I don't want to become a statistic.

I'm hoping to clear 30 days, and then have 1/day only 3-4 days a week. The worst part is the pre-dinner time. I really miss having a martini.

GibbonBlack
03-24-2020, 11:23 AM
I am on day 2.
While I don't think I was problematic, I was routinely drinking more than the recommended amount on a daily basis. This COVID-19 has scared me straight, because alcohol depresses the immune system, and I don't want to become a statistic.

I'm hoping to clear 30 days, and then have 1/day only 3-4 days a week. The worst part is the pre-dinner time. I really miss having a martini.


When you make it to 30, might as well make it to 60 ��


How is everyone doing drink wise? Are you all holding up?

Magnetic
03-24-2020, 11:26 AM
I guess right now I'll say I'm aiming for 30. I'll revisit things then.

tricil
03-24-2020, 05:23 PM
I am on day 2.
While I don't think I was problematic, I was routinely drinking more than the recommended amount on a daily basis. This COVID-19 has scared me straight, because alcohol depresses the immune system, and I don't want to become a statistic.

I'm hoping to clear 30 days, and then have 1/day only 3-4 days a week. The worst part is the pre-dinner time. I really miss having a martini.

One day at a time, man. I’ve been sober for a decade now and I still think about it. Especially during all this.

Trent did it! Trent’s been sober since 2001.

Cliche as fuck sure, but one day at a time. That’s how I did it.

Substance242
03-26-2020, 08:00 AM
Four year anniversary sometime now (maybe March 22nd? not sure anymore), and I'm glad that if this pandemic had to happen, it happens when I'm "stable" enough to go through it without damage. Don't want to imagine what would happen with me drinking and working from home for several months before. What keeps me here? Too tired to go through that again. :-)

GibbonBlack
04-08-2020, 10:43 PM
How's everyone doing in here?

eversonpoe
04-22-2020, 10:33 AM
Quitting drinking is easy

apparently so is being an asshole ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ gtfo of here with that attitude

GibbonBlack
04-22-2020, 12:05 PM
Quitting drinking is easy

Also, we make it look good ;)

Jon
04-25-2020, 11:28 AM
How's everyone doing in here?

Great from a sobriety standpoint. How are you doing?

GibbonBlack
04-25-2020, 12:03 PM
Great from a sobriety standpoint. How are you doing?

I'm also doing OK. Thanks for asking :)

elevenism
05-01-2020, 08:28 AM
I'm still trying REALLY hard to get used to this suboxone, after years and years of absurd amounts of fentanyl and oxycodone.

It's...
It's just fucking weird. I just don't feel right.

I fucked up last month, ran out of sub and had a one day relapse.

So here I am, back at day...three.

GibbonBlack
05-01-2020, 11:46 AM
Day three is perfectly fine!

I can't wait for you to hit day four :D

elevenism
05-30-2020, 03:44 PM
I'm still trying REALLY hard to get used to this suboxone, after years and years of absurd amounts of fentanyl and oxycodone.

It's...
It's just fucking weird. I just don't feel right.

I fucked up last month, ran out of sub and had a one day relapse.

So here I am, back at day...three.ok, so: day 30 :)

I've done this recovery thing before, but never with such a sustained use of such strong opiates. I can now admit that I've been on fentanyl and oxy or vicodin the entire time I've been on this iteration of the forum- some prescribed, some not, but always abused, up until I started trying to kick in Feb. I'm not going back, period.

The big book was my bible when I quit the suicidal drinking habit in my twenties, and I'm thinking I need some recovery now. I was in dallas, then, and had my choice of like 100 meetings, but there are none in this town. Back in the day, I visited some groups in nearby towns, and btw, that's how you have to do it if you wanna go everyday up here in the top of tx panhandle, ok panhandle, and eastern New Mexico: you might go to a meeting in tx on Friday and ok on Saturday, and a different little Texas town on sunday. Meetings are coordinated so a person can do that, so that the days don't conflict, as they are all weekly.
Not sure if meetings are open yet, due to covid, but I really need some recovery, I think. I'm kind of white knuckling it, as they say.

Perhaps I could at least do some reading. I've never read the NA book.

But, yeah, 30 days, and I'm never getting caught up in that shit again. I am determined. No more Happiness in Slavery.

ALso, Good god: did anyone else relate heavily to Please while they were drinking or doing drugs? Especially with the alchohlism, it was "everything is clear, I erase the fear, I can disappear" and the " swim (sink?) until I drown" bit, JESUS.

GibbonBlack
05-30-2020, 06:34 PM
ok, so: day 30 :)

I've done this recovery thing before, but never with such a sustained use of such strong opiates. I can now admit that I've been on fentanyl and oxy or vicodin the entire time I've been on this iteration of the forum- some prescribed, some not, but always abused, up until I started trying to kick in Feb. I'm not going back, period.

The big book was my bible when I quit the suicidal drinking habit in my twenties, and I'm thinking I need some recovery now. I was in dallas, then, and had my choice of like 100 meetings, but there are none in this town. Back in the day, I visited some groups in nearby towns, and btw, that's how you have to do it if you wanna go everyday up here in the top of tx panhandle, ok panhandle, and eastern New Mexico: you might go to a meeting in tx on Friday and ok on Saturday, and a different little Texas town on sunday. Meetings are coordinated so a person can do that, so that the days don't conflict, as they are all weekly.
Not sure if meetings are open yet, due to covid, but I really need some recovery, I think. I'm kind of white knuckling it, as they say.

Perhaps I could at least do some reading. I've never read the NA book.

But, yeah, 30 days, and I'm never getting caught up in that shit again. I am determined. No more Happiness in Slavery.

ALso, Good god: did anyone else relate heavily to Please while they were drinking or doing drugs? Especially with the alchohlism, it was "everything is clear, I erase the fear, I can disappear" and the " swim (sink?) until I drown" bit, JESUS.

Well done, you!

A friend of mine uses a thing called Narcotics Anonymous. I'm not sure if they're just UK based but they do Zoom meetings so people can still attend during lockdown. She says it's been a God send. Maybe you can look into them?

elevenism
05-31-2020, 07:14 PM
Well done, you!

A friend of mine uses a thing called Narcotics Anonymous. I'm not sure if they're just UK based but they do Zoom meetings so people can still attend during lockdown. She says it's been a God send. Maybe you can look into them?
Thanks!
And, NA isn't just a UK thing. There are probably 10,000 US meetings. It's based on AA, which is basically Christianity without the Jesus and dogma and such. The AA teachings form, in fact, a large part of my convoluted Krisna/Christian spirituality.

Like AA, NA is KIND of a support group, but also, a spiritual programme of action, you know? It fucking saved my life when I was drinking myself to death. I made amends, I went around speaking at rehabs: the whole bit.
It CHANGES you. Is almost like brainwashing, but, my brain needed washing.

Zoom is cool, but I need the fellowship, the talking in the parking lot, the going out after meetngs.

Sadly, I now live in one of the most remote regions in the us, as I stated.

But I'm gonna look into what meetings are within a 50 mile radius these days, and when they open.

Thanks, GibbonBlack, for the props :)

the duder
06-08-2020, 05:33 AM
elevenism - how had the search for meetings been going? Any luck?

Sent from my Pixel 2 using Tapatalk

elevenism
06-08-2020, 11:51 AM
@elevenism (https://www.echoingthesound.org/community/member.php?u=2475) - how had the search for meetings been going? Any luck?

Sent from my Pixel 2 using Tapatalkmy wife found some, but I've not gone yet, or checked to see if they're open.

I'm still thinking like an addict, and knowing my half measures will avail me nothing.

Tbh, I'm a little bit SCARED to actually work the steps again. I was always a "program of vigorous action" guy, who thought "meeting makers" were just addicted to meetings.

But, JESUS. I just reread the majority of the AA book, and my last fourth and fifth step were like ten years ago, and I just can't IMAGINE doing it again just yet.

I've worked the steps a few times, and always in like, a month. Maybe I can take it slow this time? :o

the duder
08-07-2020, 10:32 AM
my wife found some, but I've not gone yet, or checked to see if they're open.

I'm still thinking like an addict, and knowing my half measures will avail me nothing.

Tbh, I'm a little bit SCARED to actually work the steps again. I was always a "program of vigorous action" guy, who thought "meeting makers" were just addicted to meetings.

But, JESUS. I just reread the majority of the AA book, and my last fourth and fifth step were like ten years ago, and I just can't IMAGINE doing it again just yet.

I've worked the steps a few times, and always in like, a month. Maybe I can take it slow this time? :o

Don't forget to give yourself some grace here. It is a lot of work, and in the midst of a global pandemic. As much as I got out of the meetings, the fellowship - as you mentioned - is where I learned to be a person and not drink. I think the pandemic and lack of interaction has hit those of us with substance abuse issues in a different way.

As a former sponsor would always cite Confucious: "it doesn't matter how long it takes as long as you don't stop."

Sobriety isn't a destination, it's a process. You're doing great.

elevenism
08-12-2020, 12:09 AM
thank you so much, the duder

Jon
08-12-2020, 01:08 PM
But, JESUS. I just reread the majority of the AA book, and my last fourth and fifth step were like ten years ago, and I just can't IMAGINE doing it again just yet.

I've worked the steps a few times, and always in like, a month. Maybe I can take it slow this time? :o

The NA workbooks for the steps are great for sorting out your feelings, especially the one for Step 4. Not sure where your closest Intergroup is, but I'd be happy to send you some stuff if you wanted.

GibbonBlack
09-14-2020, 06:09 PM
7 years sober today! I can't get my awesome tally chart tattoo updated though :(

Jon
11-03-2020, 10:58 PM
Don't you fucking dare.

halloween
12-11-2020, 07:22 PM
HI EVERYONE. I've been sober for a almost two months now and it's felt like A LIFE TIME has passed. Like a lot of people, the pandemic isolation caused me to really up my drinking. It wasn't until I started fighting with my boyfriend, crying every two hours, getting night sweats, and wanting to drink first thing in the morning that I realized this shit had to go. I've had two small drinks since I decided to quit and it was awful. I've read exactly 1 book about quitting and it's been all I needed so far. P.S. The book is "Alcohol Explained" by William Porter, for the curious!

Sutekh
12-13-2020, 07:29 AM
10 months no alcohol, after 10+ years struggling with it. Did mushrooms about 2 weeks before I quit, otherwise can't explain it. No desire to start again. Life is so strange

halloween
12-15-2020, 04:19 PM
10 months no alcohol, after 10+ years struggling with it. Did mushrooms about 2 weeks before I quit, otherwise can't explain it. No desire to start again. Life is so strange
That's awesome! Sometimes the reality of what needs to be done hits in strange ways. I am so goddamn grateful I hit my proverbial rock bottom this year despite having had much more experience with drinking before...

Siah13
02-12-2021, 02:06 PM
Life has been insane since the last time I logged onto here but for some reason it feels fitting to post in here considering...

Just had to have a second ultrasound of my liver/kidneys/gallbladder. Every time I have to speak with a DR regarding my liver disease I feel like the world's biggest idiot. I know I'm not but that doesn't change the feeling. Suddenly middle-aged and sick I feel foolish for not heeding the warnings and not maintaining sobriety consistently and for not fighting for it. The regret of choosing the other door and now being stuck with the consequences of my decisions is harsh. Especially as I look around and in vain try to justify my choices... The constant echoing of "Well, so-and so was way worse than I was and look at them - their liver isn't crapping out" and the comparisons as if they matter at all is lame. I've been working on trying to retrain my brain to stop using others and their experiences as comparison - no one is the same and none will have the same exact experiences... Similarities, yeah, but not identical...

Anyways, I just needed to let this out somewhere I felt was safe and NIN is safe so here I am.

GibbonBlack
02-12-2021, 06:30 PM
Life has been insane since the last time I logged onto here but for some reason it feels fitting to post in here considering...

Just had to have a second ultrasound of my liver/kidneys/gallbladder. Every time I have to speak with a DR regarding my liver disease I feel like the world's biggest idiot. I know I'm not but that doesn't change the feeling. Suddenly middle-aged and sick I feel foolish for not heeding the warnings and not maintaining sobriety consistently and for not fighting for it. The regret of choosing the other door and now being stuck with the consequences of my decisions is harsh. Especially as I look around and in vain try to justify my choices... The constant echoing of "Well, so-and so was way worse than I was and look at them - their liver isn't crapping out" and the comparisons as if they matter at all is lame. I've been working on trying to retrain my brain to stop using others and their experiences as comparison - no one is the same and none will have the same exact experiences... Similarities, yeah, but not identical...

Anyways, I just needed to let this out somewhere I felt was safe and NIN is safe so here I am.


I hope that, relatively speaking, you're doing ok :o

Siah13
02-12-2021, 11:57 PM
I hope that, relatively speaking, you're doing ok :o

Thanks for replying. You honestly have no idea how I just really needed someone to hear/read what I wrote. I’ve got kids and both my parents are elderly and just not mentally there enough to comprehend what’s going on with me health wise.... Somedays I just need to throw it out there and just know that someone has heard me. So yeah - thank you.

My home burnt down in a wildfire last year and despite that and my liver hating me a whole lot I’m surprisingly okay mostly and I think I’m doing okay overall!

How are you? How’s life wherever you are???

GibbonBlack
02-13-2021, 05:14 AM
Thanks for replying. You honestly have no idea how I just really needed someone to hear/read what I wrote. I’ve got kids and both my parents are elderly and just not mentally there enough to comprehend what’s going on with me health wise.... Somedays I just need to throw it out there and just know that someone has heard me. So yeah - thank you.

My home burnt down in a wildfire last year and despite that and my liver hating me a whole lot I’m surprisingly okay mostly and I think I’m doing okay overall!

How are you? How’s life wherever you are???

Oh wow! I'm glad to see that despite everything you're doing ok :)

I'm doing alright. I just get bored with lockdown but I can busy myself with movies and music :D

Siah13
02-14-2021, 03:47 PM
I'm doing alright. I just get bored with lockdown but I can busy myself with movies and music :D

Right?! I’ve been rediscovering my love for creating playlists. It’s almost like meditating sometimes LOL

elevenism
03-28-2021, 09:37 AM
Hi @Jessiahbell (https://www.echoingthesound.org/community/member.php?u=7315)

Hang in there, and, I'm down for recovery discussion: probably a lot more of it coming soon, BECAUSE:

Weeeellll, I sure fucked up. I had that awful blackout drinking problem back in the days, and got sober in AA, and then it switched to the opiates, and only fairly recently kicked THOSE.
I am NOT back on the opiates. But, over the past few years, I've had a drink here and there, really with no repercussion. I thought I'd maybe grown out of it.
Here recently, for the past several weeks, though, I've been dealing with my dog dying, and my wife with the hep C, and they lowered my suboxone dose, and so I started picking up airplane shooters here and there. Then, it turned into four or five, but every OTHER day. Then I started promising my wife I'd go a week, but only went a day. When the dog finally died, I started drinking four or five shots EVERY day. What's worse is, I felt that old need. I NEEDED those drinks. In fact, I caught myself telling my wife "give me the card, it's time for me to go get 'my drinks.' "
This amount of alcohol isn't much compared to the old liter a day habit, but I I know where it leads. I also had a couple of nights of the sweating and shaking a bit.

SO, I got a new big book and called intergroup. The closest meeting is 45 miles from where I live, once a week. So, I'm 2 days sober, and tomorrow I'm off to AA, for AA Round 2: Middle Age Boogaloo.

thelastdisciple
03-28-2021, 10:05 AM
You got this man elevenism

I believe in you!

elevenism
03-28-2021, 07:02 PM
You got this man @elevenism (https://www.echoingthesound.org/community/member.php?u=2475)

I believe in you! man, I think I got it. I'm through the physical part, and I'm not like, NEEDING a drink, thank god. But, I WILL need help, hence the return to the spiritual program and meetings. I'm looking to stop this thing WAY before I get like I was in my 20s, which was damn near a 7 year suicide attempt.

the duder
03-28-2021, 08:51 PM
elevenism - shoot man. Good on you for getting right back to step 1. You've done this work before, and you can do it again. The closest meeting being 45 minutes away is no joke, but it's 100% worth investing that time to make sure you're bringing the best you to your family.

Siah13
07-03-2021, 10:36 PM
Hi @Jessiahbell (https://www.echoingthesound.org/community/member.php?u=7315)

SO, I got a new big book and called intergroup. The closest meeting is 45 miles from where I live, once a week. So, I'm 2 days sober, and tomorrow I'm off to AA, for AA Round 2: Middle Age Boogaloo.

This! <3 Something one of my most precious mentors/sponsors said to me at one point - "Get over yourself and get out of the way. It's not about how perfect you can sell yourself as and there's no finish line you're running to... No placements... Just stay alive and stay hungry for it. Never quit." For some reason that concept - staying hungry for it - is a constant theme in my head that stuck hardcore and resonated perfectly - still does. Sadly he passed away some 15 or so years ago, but his words and his heart will always be a core part of who I am. I feel lucky to have happened to get a job working for him when I was 16 - he was an amazing man who owned an ice cream shop I was hired at and he offered his shop's deck for NA and AA meetings multiple times a day...

Anyways, stay hungry, never quit. LOL. (sorry I never log on so I sometimes take months to reply LOL) How's it now??

Siah13
07-03-2021, 11:20 PM
My liver has been good to me. I had to have surgery a week ago (Actually just diagnosed with papillary thyroid microcarcinoma - awesome, good times, good times LOL) - My surgery was mostly uneventful - although the intubation was apparently horrible and I'm surprised I can speak again. LOL. While I only took three doses of the pain meds post surgery, I have the bottle sitting on a shelf and I keep reasoning on how I don't need to turn them in. It's a surreal moment when you catch yourself making excuses and explanations TO YOURSELF IN YOUR OWN HEAD - Sometimes I almost thank God for gifting me an angry liver because I can't lie at this point and act like something bad mayyyy not happen. LOL. In the hospital after the first day of recovery they ran a blood test and I called it out - I told my Nurse that while my liver enzymes were actually within normal and healthy on checking in, that following the doses of anesthesia/fentanyl/pain meds that my liver would get angry - the good news was that the enzyme elevations still had me falling into a high BUT normal range! So I *think* that's a good sign...?! Anyways, the surgeon sent me home with a bottle of pain meds and what's funny is they're still sitting there - and despite the complications and ensuing extra pain from the complications, I prefer the pain. It wasn't always the preference but it's almost comforting. Like running a marathon. Or climbing a mountain...

Anyways, so I dunno what happens next - still sitting, waiting for wildfire debris cleanup - FEMA keeps showing up in suits to take notes and spray paint the remnants of our home but nothing has moved in 7 months post burn... The rust and charred remains are being overtaken by wildflowers and grasses... As I sit wondering what a microcarcinoma really means and where it really was and if it's really gone and if it will really stay gone.... How do you know? How do we know, how do we know ANYTHING? Lol... All I can do is take each day as it falls and remember to love myself and be kind to myself and others... Hope all reading this are well....

shade
07-04-2021, 02:00 AM
Wishing you a speedy recovery!
I can see why you choose the pain over the meds. It's all chemistry within your head - just like pushing through the marathon, even though it means pain, and being rewarded at the finish line. Being rewarded not having "poisoned" your body for another day.
Especially since your liver is already fucked and they probably give you meds that go mostly through kidneys now, no need to fuck those up too. Keep going and live like you said, day by day, taking care of yourself.
As for the thyroid cancer, those carcinomas are becoming more and more frequent. Be glad they caught it. Not something they usually catch early on unless really looking into it.

elevenism
07-06-2021, 02:24 AM
This! <3 Something one of my most precious mentors/sponsors said to me at one point - "Get over yourself and get out of the way. It's not about how perfect you can sell yourself as and there's no finish line you're running to... No placements... Just stay alive and stay hungry for it. Never quit." For some reason that concept - staying hungry for it - is a constant theme in my head that stuck hardcore and resonated perfectly - still does. Sadly he passed away some 15 or so years ago, but his words and his heart will always be a core part of who I am. I feel lucky to have happened to get a job working for him when I was 16 - he was an amazing man who owned an ice cream shop I was hired at and he offered his shop's deck for NA and AA meetings multiple times a day...

Anyways, stay hungry, never quit. LOL. (sorry I never log on so I sometimes take months to reply LOL) How's it now??

Sigh. You know, we got the NEW puppy, and SHE died, and I slipped...on fucking white claw ��

That stuff is the devil. It's actually thirst quenching, and it's likely to be the drink of choice for a couple million future AA members. It's literally fucking mango flavored sparkling water, and if you turn your head, I can sneak 2 24 ounce cans.

Luckily I didn't slide too far, though. I'm sober again.

This showed me that I'm not prepared to deal with life on life's terms.

I'm glad you're taking care of your liver, and it's AMAZING that you didn't eat the opiates.

My best friend's wife, who is also one of my old friends, died quite recently from a combination of liver trouble and alcohol, and, that was a hell of a wake up call.

Siah13
01-03-2022, 04:07 AM
Wishing you a speedy recovery!
I can see why you choose the pain over the meds. It's all chemistry within your head - just like pushing through the marathon, even though it means pain, and being rewarded at the finish line. Being rewarded not having "poisoned" your body for another day.
Especially since your liver is already fucked and they probably give you meds that go mostly through kidneys now, no need to fuck those up too. Keep going and live like you said, day by day, taking care of yourself.
As for the thyroid cancer, those carcinomas are becoming more and more frequent. Be glad they caught it. Not something they usually catch early on unless really looking into it.

Thanks for this. It’s been some months but it gives me an odd yet welcome sense of peace logging in and reading this.... And yes, I’m very glad indeed.

Siah13
01-03-2022, 04:36 AM
Sigh. You know, we got the NEW puppy, and SHE died, and I slipped...on fucking white claw 😂

That stuff is the devil. It's actually thirst quenching, and it's likely to be the drink of choice for a couple million future AA members. It's literally fucking mango flavored sparkling water, and if you turn your head, I can sneak 2 24 ounce cans.

Luckily I didn't slide too far, though. I'm sober again.

This showed me that I'm not prepared to deal with life on life's terms.

I'm glad you're taking care of your liver, and it's AMAZING that you didn't eat the opiates.

My best friend's wife, who is also one of my old friends, died quite recently from a combination of liver trouble and alcohol, and, that was a hell of a wake up call.

While it’s been months, I sure am sorry to hear about the new puppy - that’s fucking horrible! Jeez! White Claws and associated drinks that are booze but taste like bubble water are an insane phenomenon right
now, and probably from here on out... It’s unnerving sometimes to me because I see it - see the patterns and behaviors... consumption... it can be alarming. Sometimes it feels like I’m watching video of my past but through weird filters that makes it look different... I’m glad you were able to stop the slide out before it became a big issue - I hope that this finds you still standing - or at least sitting comfortably... Thanks for the words of encouragement... my liver kicking out on me really has caught me off guard. It’s like this weird concept to me that something inside me can just call it quits and I really get no say. Like, WTAF is that?! How on Earth... I sometimes ponder it and find myself really examining my past choices and indulgences and it becomes like this obsessive thing - what did it, how did I, when exactly, how did I not recognize.... 😂 As if it is even really relevant. But, I bet it was the carburetor fluid or the many other fucking toxic fumes I started huffing when I was 13. #headstart #earlybloomer 😂

Siah13
01-03-2022, 05:36 AM
They came and cleared the debris. Unreal, really... Totally unreal... to watch all of your possessions be reduced to a few dump loads and some condensed smashed metal is crazy. I’m really grateful for the Still album - it’s really become pretty much the soundtrack to my life these days... it was fitting to have Leaving Hope playing in my earbuds while I watched in awe as their big machines made everything blank and clear. Sort of like a clean slate but with scars and ash.... Still pretty epic to experience...

About a month before they came my Father passed away... They were close by and my Mom called me yelling for me... I ran over and he was sitting down sweating and breathing erratic... slurred words... he insisted I take his shirt off.. It was pretty surreal to watch him take his last gasps of air... I just told him it was okay to go. What else do you say really..? My poor Mom was trying to give him CPR, shaking him trying to keep him there but I just knew...

I drank a brandy and eggnog a few weeks ago and it reminded me how much I love and enjoy the burning sensation of liquor in my throat. Honestly, I’ve just been having a hard time with cravings and just wanting to get high. I’m not - but it’s amazing how it hides and lies in wait... waiting for a moment of vulnerability to appear... It makes me feel ugly and makes me want to hide in a closet. It’s sick. Years go by and somehow it’s still alive and it never dies and never truly leaves. I know that but every time it surprises me. Maybe because I let it? Maybe because I want it to? I want to get high. I want to taste it, I want to slip into that place so familiar, so comforting... When I was 13 I began huffing - I’d soak towels, put them in paper lunch bags and just breathe it in until I’d fall over, usually sliding down a wall or cabinet of a room that I’d snuck into during lunch or recess... Looking back I truly don’t understand how no one knew what I was doing... I mean, I must’ve smelled like a mechanic or a toxic fume dump - I sure know I tasted like one.... For some reason those early memories - well what I managed to hold onto - have been popping up into my head a lot lately. I miss the chemical taste in my throat. I miss my thoughts swirling and my mind unable to focus. Despite my future drug usage, inhalants have always held a special place in my heart...

Well, I’m still here. Parts of me still stuck frozen as that youth spilling whatever toxic fluid I could find on the floor as I passed out. Just a mess, really.... still a fucking addict. Sometimes I feel like I’m the dirtiest clean person I know... clean on the outside but so dirty and sick inside. Sometimes the program helps. Sometimes the program makes me feel dirtier and more alone than before. I’ve been avoiding it because I want to find somewhere I feel I belong but it never happens. I even feel like I don’t belong with my own family, my own partner.... Am I just fucking insane? I must be because I log onto this forum and post in here as if it matters or means something but it really doesn’t, does it? It’s a futile effort to reach out but I know deep down inside that this is when I’m supposed to pick up the phone and call my sponsor, call a friend, go to a meeting... My kids have kept me busy for quite a while but I really need to stop hiding and avoiding myself and my program before I destroy it all.

maybe if I leave this post here as ugly and stupid as it is, it’ll serve as a fucking reminder and will hold me accountable next time I log on here and read this again...

elevenism
01-03-2022, 01:52 PM
Jessiahbell I can relate to a LOT of what you're saying, here: especially the "euphoric recall."

That's why I love Please so damn much; it's like the story of my life. "This is how it begins/push it away but it all comes back again...there was a time when it used to mean just about everything... just like now." And suddenly I'm back in it.

Idk, I'm bipolar - I think I AM insane, ("the manic depressive type-perhaps the least understood by his friends," if you know yer book.)

I've lost SO MANY goddamn friends to this shit now that I'm 41, and at this point, I take suboxone. I REALLY don't care if people don't consider that all the way "sober."
I'm 41 and have been drunk and high since I was 14, and I'M trying to stay alive in this motherfucker, you know? And I do NOT plan to get off of it this time. I'm too vulnerable. It reminds me of another song lyric from Little Wayne of all people that's so goddamn insightful "follow me I'll lead you straight to the needle/the bottles the battles the beetles will eat you."

Also, I live in a place where the nearest meeting is a 70 mile round trip, but EVEN if I WAS going all the time again, I'd STILL take that bupe, as by now, I've got a PRETTY fucking good idea of the shit that happens when I wind up in that place.

I ruin relationships, I get locked up, I OD, etc.

Idk if meds are an option for you, but good lord I've found that Med Assisted Treatment HELPS, with ALL of it, for me. I mean, I damn sure wouldn't suggest it if you can get by without it, though. But for me, it's better than the alternative.

Siah13
01-06-2022, 01:06 PM
elevenism I typed out replies two times but my phone ate them... Go figure. LOL.

Through the years NIN/TR have consistently remained the soundtrack of my life. My devotion and admiration/appreciation for TR and his musical expression is infinite. So many memories and moments in my life that it's impossible to elaborate or account for them because it's simply ever-present. It's like having an intimate relationship with an entire group of individuals that have no idea you exist or the impact they really have made and continuously make in your life. I can't recall how many times I felt utterly alone and beyond destroyed by the world and what I was dealing with - the trauma of years of continuous abuse - my entire childhood was so full of suffering and fear that when I discovered NIN it was like someone in the universe was able to express everything that I had been programmed to shove deep down and hide... The ugly, brutal truths... So many years of silent suffering and self-destruction and TR/NIN have consistently laid it all out when I couldn't - or wouldn't. The fact that through the years the evolution of TR/NIN in his/their own life/lives and the musical evolution of the band and their musical offerings still resonate so strongly is incredible, really.

If you have something and a way that helps keep you good then no judgement at all. I don't dig when others get super judgey and weird about shit like that, not my deal at all. I don't think everything is always straight line because there are times when people really would just fucking die without it...

I've tended to bounce in and out of regular meetings historically - some times due to distance such as you describe - often times I feel disconnected and like I'm in the wrong place... And not in some sort of self-sabotaging way or in a holier-than-thou way as some past friends in recovery have taken it - my life experiences were so extreme regarding the abuse I went through that it becomes so overwhelming expressing it. Not the actual me expressing it or talking about it - the reality that most if not all faces in the room connecting with me can do everything they can to be there and be supportive but ultimately not a damn one knows exactly how it feels to suffer at the hands of a loved one so mercilessly as a young child - CSA (childhood sexual abuse) is a real monster that invades your life in ways that I can't begin to describe and that only someone who's really lived through it could possibly understand... Or at least that's how it feels to me. I had a therapist once recommend I attend a Sexual Assault support group and I experienced the same sort of disconnected feeling there as well. It was like these people almost understood but most were expressing stories of singular incidents or short-term repetitive things and the abuse I endured lasted for 12 years so I felt so abnormal and disconnected. I sat in a room of women who cried about being terrified of taking a bus or being proud of grocery shopping once that week - I felt horrible for them but I also felt alien and unable to connect. The judgement those there had towards me was apparent, even to the friend that accompanied me. It was like I should've been more broken, less expressive... I don't know...

I really like the 12 step format in general so I've been trying to locate SIA (Survivors of Incest) meetings that are 12 step based because I truly feel that's where I would thrive but they're super rare and not very common... I delve into AA/NA meetings and identify with portions, usually it gives me some sort of semi-connected feeling but it has always left me feeling more alienated and alone eventually. Almost like it treats the symptoms but it doesn't get to the core. I've worked the steps and do it to my best every time but I always end up craving companionship and connection with others who have experienced what I have, which probably sounds so silly... But I keep searching. Maybe both would compliment each other well - who fucking knows at this point LOL. I did find and joined a group recently that shows promise and is pretty neat - it's a format that allows survivors of abuse to connect and express themselves, hosts meetings, etc so that's neat... Ultimately it's more of the need to really devote time for myself which is something I am horrific at - in fact just taking time to type this has been so difficult - what with life - taking ten or so minutes to sit and concentrate is so rare for me these days...

Now that I fucking typed a novel. Lol.

/end spew

elevenism
01-07-2022, 12:16 PM
I'm REALLY glad you've found the new fellowship you mentioned @Jessiahbell (https://www.echoingthesound.org/community/member.php?u=7315) . Yeah, that's a whole different godawful ballpark. Before I was married, I was common law married to a survivor of long term csa. I read a lot of books on the subject and tried my best to help her as much as I could. She was on disability: I worked, and she went to like, EVERY appropriate community provided counseling service she could find in Dallas, just to attempt to feel better: I'm talking like, she was at some type of counseling or group 4 days a week at least. She was SO, idk, haunted. She didn't even feel comfortable taking care of her own kids at that time. And what's fucking worse is that her kids were living with HER father, the same father that turned a blind eye to what she caught from her uncle, and, surprise, the 17 year old boy was doing unspeakable things to his 12 year old sister. He caught two felonies, and they blamed HER (the child,) just like they blamed my ex for "making it so uncle Leroy can't come over anymore."
I swear to GOD, that dude better hope he never, ever runs into me. I was especially close to the young girl, and the dude was an arrogant prick, and yeah...he'd be like 27, now.
ANYWAY, the point being that I know a little something about the trauma that sort of thing leads to- the hardcore PTSD/panic type of stuff, and I'm REALLY sorry that happened to you. And, yeah, a traditional, rigid 12 step model would NOT be the full answer in this case, as it would suggest that the VICTIM "set the ball rolling," and she would be expected to make amends to the fucking ABUSER.

Hats off to you for being sober in the face of all that.

Siah13
01-08-2022, 01:24 AM
elevenism How heartbreaking to go through all of that and then have that happen to your kid(s)... damn. We have limited and brief contact with my Brother sporadically as he lives in the area and my family basically pretends what happened never happened - always have and always will - so I’m super beyond guarded with my kids anywhere near him for very fucking obvious and understandable reasons. I dream of the day that I’m able to cut the family ties and walk away free from them but even though my Mother is horrible to me and completely covers him, he ignores her mostly and as she’s disabled and severely handicapped I can’t bear the thought of leaving her alone here knowing she’ll end up suffering and dying in more pain and sufferage. So basically I allow my Mom to have her generic Grandma relationship with my kids which serves them all well psychologically, I allow my kids the guise of a nice and caring but busy Uncle/Aunt/cousin (my nephew) and ponder what the fuck I’m supposed to do when eventually my Mom dies, my Brother and I come to heads about the estate and my kids eventually at some point will probably inevitably discover the truth about their Uncle. My partner thinks I’m insane for not railing on my Brother constantly but truth be told I feel the need to shield my new phew from the reality of his Father’s fucked up past... it’s basically a fucking mess. Lol. But I know I’m safe and my kids are safe so that’s really all I care about at this point...

As for being sober, yeah, there was a long time where I just really didn’t GAF and just wanted to destroy myself via any method - drugs, booze, suicide, violent men... As I’ve looked into my past in retrospect I can see how it all relates and all boils down to me recreating the emotional torture however and how often I could. The more pain the better. I had pretty heavy kinks for a while but something happened when I had kids and I’m like a total square vanilla marshmallow these days 🤷♀️ Because of my liver and having kids, it truthfully makes the thought of unhinging and drinking the amount of booze I dream of a dream but one that I know I can never fulfill. I suppose having my liver give out is more of a blessing than a curse
in the end. Some people still continue to drink or use and they die but I’ve got these beautiful, amazing creatures that depend on me... that I can’t disappoint for mere intoxication or self-destruction. I suppose becoming a Mother truly changed my world as well... Add NIN in the mix and it’s been enough thus far to keep me “semi” sane and functioning... I think? Haha.

One thing I am seeing is that in retrospect I think my substance abuse being so extreme at least partially stems from a deep desire to recreate trauma and trauma responses... Like, I wanted to die and suffer so badly - I wanted utter annihilation of my existence and when I couldn’t pull that off it’s like I went on a mission in every manner possible to hurt myself repeatedly with reckless abandon. I don’t feel that destructive urge often these days honestly. I do definitely relate to other members in the AA/NA setting as far as certain characteristics but again, it’s so muddled with other stuff that I’m hoping the alternative with it’s slightly altered program that’s specifically tailored to CSA/SIA will find me working more through the root
of what’s going on/what happened vs how I’m trying to kill it... 🤷♀️ We will see I suppose!

Siah13
02-09-2022, 08:00 PM
I spoke with a good friend that I hadn’t spoken to recently and it was so good to reconnect and hear what’s been going on with him. It reminded me how special those first connections made in recovery were and are to me and how much I don’t ever want to lose those friendships. It’s amazing that years ago we were crazy kids and now we have families and it’s amazing to look back at how far we’ve both come. When I first met him he was living in an SLE, just a year sober and I was drunk dialing him every couple weeks, struggling to even begin to comprehend what I was. I’ll never forget the patience, kindness, hardlines and encouragement he and that first home group I went to gave me. Having a solid recovery network with people I can trust and that just “get” it automatically is fucking rad. Just wanted to throw that out there...