Drunk Fiction: Semi-fictional tales of ribaldry

[Fixer808]

I'll start working on some new ones as soon as I get home from work and get loaded. Or maybe tomorrow, because I have to be up very early in the morning. YOU HAVE UN-SOBER? SHARE STORY.

[halloween]

Once.
In my pants.
I just jizzed. In my pants.

[Fixer808]

ALL NEW, FINALLY! But you'll have to look through the archived Olde ETS if/when it's available if you want to catch up on the story, but anyways, on to:

CHAPTER 5: Remember, remember, that hot night in December...

It was morning in the cave. Kira and Laisa sat on a toadstool, sipping coffee from cups held by shaking hands. The days before had been filled with panic, intrigue, killing and hardship. And hard other things... Fixer's creation, the remarkable, woodsman-esque Johnbron, had gone. Where, they didn't know. But Fixer had hinted that what the two had given him had been the last step in creating a superhuman killing machine, who would not stop at anything to restore the Magic Dolphin to the throne it rightfully claimed.

The pleasures they had shared with Fixer as well were- as he put it- simply his way of giving them thanks for providing a service for their country.

Early that morning, he had stepped from the cave, donned his Adidas tear-aways and leaped skyward. They had not seen him since, but distant explosions from ground and air had told of the battle being fought by both Fixer and Johnbron.

"What now?" asked laisa, "what of us, shall we perish in this cave when the gnome people find us? Their hats conceal lasers!"

"Right now, you are the only laser I care for" replied Kira, pulling on her battered flight suit. She was feeling a renewed sense of vigour and purpose. In fact, a strange vitality coursed through her, as if some measure of Fixer's power had been transfered to her through the night's carnality. Perhaps is was the same technique that Fixer had used to gift Johnbron with his abilities? She chuckled softly at the image of the two. But it had taken the touch of women to awaken the bearded one to his true potential.

"Do you feel that?" she asked laisa.

"Mmm, yes, keep going!" came the gasped reply.

Kira pulled away the hand that had absentmindedly decided to invade laisa.

"No, I mean that sense of purpose, the strength flowing through you!" Kira cried, throwing her arms out beside her. On each side, where her hands pointed, rocks in the cave wall started to glow hot, burning fiercely and throwing off rainbows. She started, staring open-mouthed at the destruction she had suddenly wrought. Laisa covered her eyes in fright, and suddenly Kira was thrown backwards as if by an invisible fist, rebounding from the wall in a shower of sparkly stars. Laisa opened her eyes and shouted.

"It's the power! He's imbued us with the power of the Kingdom! Wait, I think I can control it..."

She narrowed her eyes and twisted her fingers in Kira's direction. Kira's flight suit unzipped itself and fell to the floor. Kira choked out a shuddering breath as sensations washed over her, but then shook herself from her reverie.

"NO, there's no time! There is a battle to fight, a war to win! But... um... keep working on that."

With a disappointed pout, laisa rose to her feet as Kira dressed. They located the switch on the cave wall that opened the secret door, and the din of battle grew louder.

"We must find Johnbron and Fixer," said Kira, "we must help them win the day, for the Dolphin, Her Royal Majesty lady Manatee, and for our people. The Gruff Badger will no longer impose his tyranny on us, stop tweaking my nipples with your powers."

"Sorry." laisa said.

And with that, they stepped out of the cave, and into the fray.

[halloween]

oh my god.


i have the force!

[waffel]

I'll repost the first part of my story from Olde ETS, I just found my rough drafts of the other parts, so I'll probably type them up over Christmas.

Alright it’s story time. A few weeks back I noted that I had a crazy ass dream about the ETS version of the A-team. I finally got the time to sit down and try to recount to the best of my ability. Now forgive me if I get your “character” wrong because drugs have nothing on what I can dream up, aka you could be sporting a purple afro with a crocodile in it. I’ll fill in the blanks here and there of what I can’t remember, but most of it is from the bat shit insane place that is my psyche at nighttime and sorry to all Canadians.



Part 1: The Future, yet Separated Agents of yet Unknown Debauchery and Awesomeness

We peer down on a small office building (yes my dreams do have narrators), it’s very indistinct in a place that could be anywhere in the Midwest of America. Right now it’s spring outside the building, the pear and magnolia trees are blooming, their white and purple blossoms attracting all manner of insects and inciting the wrath of allergies. One person in particular was suffering at the hands of these modified leaves; that person was theruiner, detective extraordinaire. “Fuck! I blew all over my desk!” theruiner bellowed, “I am NOT cleaning that up again!” growled theruiner’s assistant (more like babysitter) waffel. “Calm down, not that kind of load, these damn trees just made me shoot snot everywhere.” he replied. Waffel then proceeded to try to beam theruiner in the head with some paper towel theruiner swiftly dodged but, to her joy the cleaner smacked him in the nose. “That tickled” he giggled and he started to clean his desk, “Yeah, shut up you…” waffel was going to add more, but the phone rang and she ran off to answer it. “ Yeah, uh huh…are you fucking kidding me? Ok bye” waffel looked up from the phone and said “We’re going to Arizona”.


In a suburb in Connecticut, a man sits in a nice leather chair flipping through the channels, while “Good Vibrations” is playing softly in the background. He’s calm, almost like a gorilla ready to rip the next idiot’s, who offers him a banana, arms off. While he was sipping a nice ice tea, it was homemade none of that Lipton bullshit, he hears a sound and springs. The next moment the man was being begged by another man to not snap his partner’s neck. He looked down and then released the man in his arms. “We need you to comeback” the men in suits said “hippygeek please, he has struck again”. Hippygeek nodded and then walked upstairs sliding his hand on the mahogany banister, knowing he wouldn’t be home for a while, if ever. He was waiting for this day, so he had a special suitcase already packed, he just threw in some cloths and he was done. When he came downstairs, he asked the men “So the gov is paying for this correct?” The men replied in unison “Yes sir, all your air fare, documents, licenses, car rentals and lodgings will be covered, along with some extra “allowance money” for your use while you’re down there.” “Fine then, you two will then have to figure out how to ship a rocket motorcycle down to Arizona” he smirked at the puzzled men and then walked out the door.


A young woman was driving to the airport, she was tired, sweaty, her blonde hair was a mess, she hadn’t had a decent meal since that breakfast burrito at a Jack In The Box but, most importantly she was driven. She was thirsty and not just because she in was in the middle of the desert, but for revenge. She was throwing all of her energy into making the man who took her family, her lovers away. She swore she would make that Canuck pay, his pseudo-polite façade or diplomatic immunity wouldn’t save him now. Her passenger was a bearded beast whining about the lack of bathroom breaks “But I need to go now” he pleaded. “Not now johnbron, your kidneys aren’t going to explode.” She snapped back “But Torgo we know he’s here, you know he doesn’t move on until he finishes.” Torgo stopped the car suddenly “Ok get out and go. Now.” While johnbron was taking a leak on the side of the road, Torgo was calculating how many ways she could kill a man with a tri-pod, she was already over 50.

He was starting to regain consciousness; he vaguely remembers watching some porn before being stuffed in a box but, with who? And more importantly did any man juice get on the couch, he was constantly get bitched at by his roommate about that. He was able to push open the top of the crate finally. He noticed he was in a park, and saw several small children playing on the jungle gym (all with different mothers) that had a resemblance to a certain famous detective. He then say aloud “I’m in Arizona, home of the most prolific (in more areas than one) detective of all time, theruiner.” “That is right Kid Charlemagne, and we are going to give him one hell of a homecoming!” laughed a man on a bench, whose heart and soul were so cold that he could only be Canadian, Fixer.