Jokes!

[theimage13]

Another great thread from the old ETS that needs to be brought back. I love short jokes and one liners, but post whatever makes you laugh. I'll start it off good and nerdy:

A Higgs boson walks into a church. The priest says "Get out! We don't allow Higgs bosons in here!" The Higgs boson replies "but father, without me, how will you have mass?"

[Harry Seaward]

Why was Heisenberg's wife unsatisfied?

When he had the time he didn't have the energy, and when he had the position, he didn't have the momentum.

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An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree, watching a farmer go by. The owl turns to the squirrel and says nothing, because owls can't talk. The owl then eats the squirrel because it's a bird of prey.

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A gorilla walks into a bar and order a banana martini. The bartender thinks this is a little peculiar and then becomes aware he is actually dreaming. He wakes up from his dream and begins to tell his wife about the ridiculous dream he had. His wife just ignores him, the man rolls over and begins to sob because he realizes his marriage is in shambles.

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I still remember the last words my grandpa said before he kicked the bucket. He said, "Hey, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?"

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Roses are red,
Violets are red,
Everything's red,
I have a retinal hemorrhage.

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What did one lawyer say to the other?

"We are both lawyers."

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Why did the little girl fall off of her bike?

Because she didn't have any arms.

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Knock knock

Who's there?

Not the little girl.

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A guy walks into a bar and orders the most expensive drink they have. The bartender looks up to mention that no one ever orders that in this shithole, then he realizes this is not an average customer. The man is surrounded by beautiful women and is wearing a $10,000 suit and his head is also an orange. The bartender serves him his drink, but can't help but ask what this guy's deal is.

"So, buddy... I can't help but notice your head is an orange."

"Yeah, it's a long story..."

"Well, I think we both have time. The next drink is on me."

"Uh, alright... Well I found a magic lamp once. Obviously, you're supposed to rub them, right? So I did."

"And then...?"

"Well, a genie popped out and said he'd grant me three wished. I had to take him up on that offer, ya know?"

"I would, too."

"Well my first wish was infinite fortune, as you can see by my suit and the Lambo I have parked out front."

"Makes sense."

"Second wish was for beautiful women all over the world to be madly attracted to me."

"I can see that too haha!"

"Yeah... Well, my third wish, and this is where I fucked up. I wished that my head was an orange."

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And we can't forget this one.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3GWJC7tlYck

[the duder]

One of the swimmers I coach knows and appreciates my fondness for bad jokes. Here is one that I really enjoyed:

What did the farmer say to his wife?
"Well, honey, we had some nice weather this year and I think we're going to have a great and bountiful harvest."

[Harry Seaward]

One of the swimmers I coach knows and appreciates my fondness for bad jokes. Here is one that I really enjoyed:

What did the farmer say to his wife?
"Well, honey, we had some nice weather this year and I think we're going to have a great and bountiful harvest."

That's not a bad joke, it's an anti-jokes, and anti-jokes are the best jokes.

I also like:

What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?

"Where's my tractor?"

[The_Prowler]

A priest, an nun and a rabbi walk into a bar, the bartender looks at them and says "is this a fucking joke?"

[The_Prowler]

How do you sell a chicken to a deaf man?

You say"HEY, WOULD YOU LIKE TO BUY A CHICKEN?"

[ibanez33]

If the camera adds 10 pounds, do African kids even exist?

[october_midnight]

What did the boy in the wheelchair get for Christmas?






Cancer.

[imail724]

How do you sell a chicken to a deaf man?

You say"HEY, WOULD YOU LIKE TO BUY A CHICKEN?"

http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lgfuuxXB7Y1qft2jvo1_500.jpg

Sent from my Galaxy Nexus using Tapatalk 2

[ibanez33]

Why was C afraid of the rest of the alphabet?

Because the rest were Not Cs.

[theimage13]

Why was C afraid of the rest of the alphabet?

Because the rest were Not Cs.

Brilliant. This thread needs more lovin'.

[The_Prowler]

What do you call an angry German?

A Sauerkraut.

[Necrodoommonkey]

How do you get a nun pregnant?

Fuck her.

[Big Fat Matt]

Hellen Keller joke time, because lets laugh at the disabled.



Why did Hellen Heller crash her car?

- typical response 1: Because she is blind
- typical response 2: Because shes a woman nyuk nyuk

- actual response: Because she is fucking dead.

______

why were Hellen Keller's hands purple?

because she heard it through the grapevine. (best if sung)

______

Why did Hellen Keller's dog run away?

you would too if your name was "HUEEEEEAAAANNNGGGGFHHHHHH"



______

So a bear walks into a pub and sits down at the bar. the bartender comes up to him and asks "what can i get for ya?" the bear responds:

"i'll have a jack...




[insert 10-15 second pause]





and coke"

the bartender looks at the creature, puzzled and asks, "why the big pause?" the bear looks at the man, exposes his palms and says "because im a bear!"

(pause .... paws....ugh)

[Prettybrokenspiral]

What is red, white, and has more brains than Kurt Cobain?

The wall behind him.

What is black on the outside and white on the inside?

Whitney Houston's nose.

What do Kurt Cobain and hockey have in common?

Face off in the corner.

What's the difference between Princess Diana and Michael Hutchence?

Diana forgot to belt up.

[theimage13]

So a bear walks into a pub and sits down at the bar. the bartender comes up to him and asks "what can i get for ya?" the bear responds:

"i'll have a jack...




[insert 10-15 second pause]





and coke"

the bartender looks at the creature, puzzled and asks, "why the big pause?" the bear looks at the man, exposes his palms and says "because im a bear!"

(pause .... paws....ugh)

yes. Yes to this.

[The_Prowler]

I named my iPod Titanic... It spends a lot of its time syncing.





Oh, wait, that's not actually a joke, I'm just a terrible person.

[FernandoDante]

Sent from my Galaxy Nexus using Tapatalk 2
hahahahahaha good one

[Necrodoommonkey]

What do you call a black guy flying an airplane?

A pilot.

What do you call a Mexican in a squad car?

Officer

What do you call an Italian steering a ship?

Captain

/being all douchey self righteous and making you feel bad for laughing at racist jokes.

How do you blind an Irishman?

Put a bottle of whisky in front of him

/it's socially acceptable to be racist against the Irish.

[tony.parente]

Womans Rights.

[heavenly_bearded]

Womans Rights.
Fucking WIN!

[tony.parente]

Finally a place where I am immune to facepalms!

[tony.parente]

You're all motherfuckers haha

[The_Prowler]

What's the difference between a drum machine and a drummer?

You only have to punch the information into a drum machine once.



How do you get a drummer off your porch?

Pay for the pizza.



What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend?

Homeless.



How many drummer does it take to change a light bulb?

At least three... One to change it and the rest to stand around and argue about how much better Neil Peart would have done it.



How can you tell when the stage isn't level?

When the drummer's only drooling out of one side of his mouth.



What do you call a drummer with a cell phone?

An optimist.



What's the difference between a drummer and a large pizza?

A pizza can feed a family of four.



What did the mother say when her son said "I want to be a drummer when I grow up"?

Pick one, you can't do both.

[onthewall2983]

How do you know if the stage is level? If drool is coming out of both sides of the drummer's mouth.

[Sutekh]

How do you know the drummer is at the door?

the knocking gets faster

[The_Prowler]

My band held a raffle at one of our gigs the other night...

First prize was a night with the drummer.
Second prize was two nights with the drummer.
Third prize was an extended weekend at a secluded cabin with the drummer.

No one entered the raffle.

[tony.parente]

So many facepalms for my woman's rights joke but not one for the nigger post. This IS the joke thread lmao.

[theruiner]

This thread is a joke.

[AgentofChaos]

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should already be open by the time she brings it.

What do you do when your wife's watch stops working?
Nothing, There’s a clock on the stove

What do you call a woman with one black eye?
A quick learner
What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing you already told her twice.

A man drives over his wife in a pickup truck. Whose fault is it?
The man's, he shouldn't of been driving his truck in the kitchen

What do you do when your dishwasher stops working?
Give her a crack

Why do they call it PMS?
Mad cow disease was already taken

Why haven't they sent any women to the moon?
Because it doesn't need cleaning yet

What do you call a blank peice of paper?
A list of woman's rights.

Why do women have periods?
Because they deserve them

[Sutekh]

So is this ironic, post ironic or did we just give up pretending we aren't tossers

[frankie teardrop]

i liked the surreal/norm macdonald-esque jokes at the beginning of the thread, but this wave of misogyny and racism isn't cool, guys. and don't give me the lighten up/shock tactic sort of defense, either. it's not cool, period.

[tony.parente]

A guy walks into a bar
He has alcoholism and it's destroying his family.

[Leviathant]

Wow.

Wow.

I'm going to have to come back to this later.