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aggroculture
12-14-2014, 12:53 PM
I was going post this in the Little Things that Piss you Off thread:


Baby woke up in the move from car to crib, so there goes naptime and with it my chances of getting anything done this afternoon (Mom is away at a conference).

But then I thought who needs to hear people whine about their kids not napping? How about a kids and family thread where all such stuff is contained?

It is, after all, that time of the year. Family. Let's rant and commiserate about the little and big tortures of family and parental life, and rave and swoon about the cute little things our kids and family members do that often do piss non-parents off.

Charmingly Miserable
12-16-2014, 10:49 PM
Single mom here. I work M-F and have my 7 year old on those days. She goes with her dad on the weekends. Being so busy during the week and living in a house with 4 other females, I find it hard to have some quality time with Victoria Apple. However, I hang out with her during her shower time and I make sure we spend at least some alone time with each other. That's important to me.

Victoria has several major food allergies. She's allergic to peanuts, milk and eggs. It can be life threatening if it is not handled promptly. It had been challenge in the past but we manage it well. Some of my friends call her the bubble child because everything makes her sick. Despite her major food allergies and all her illnesses, I wouldn't trade her for one bit. She's my twin. We are just 26 years apart.

Baphomette
12-17-2014, 01:50 AM
So, can I rant about my brother in this thread?

aggroculture
12-17-2014, 09:38 AM
Yes! Family, not just kids.

Sarah K
12-17-2014, 09:49 AM
So, can I rant about my brother in this thread?

I read this as "So, can I abort my brother in this thread" for some reason, and lol'd. Time to put my glasses on.

aggroculture
12-17-2014, 11:19 AM
Reminds me of the album title "Retroactive Abortion."
Also, I recall a Philip K Dick story in which kids can be "aborted" up to a certain age.

My brother married a woman with a ton of mental and emotional problems (in addition to being a controlling asshat) and he has in many ways cut off his family for years. Le sigh.

Baphomette
12-17-2014, 03:30 PM
Since my brother graduated, he's been staying at my parents. His original plan was to crash there for a couple months 'til he got his CA license to practice (he has one for NY), landed a gig and could get his own place. That didn't happen. He didn't pass the State license test (board, whatever it's called) and has to wait 'til Jan. to take it again. So he's been pretty screwed. I get it. He's frustrated. He's disappointed with himself. I GET IT.

What I DON'T get is his transformation into the biggest asshole douchebag on the planet. Callous, arrogant, inconsiderate, demanding, rude, cold... Or, as we'd say in Spanish, un bruto descomunado, desgraciado y desdichado. And he treats my parents like absolute shit. (My parents are in their 70s; my brother is 37.) I don't trust myself to go visit b/c all I wanna do is beat him with a bat. GGGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!

Demogorgon
12-17-2014, 05:04 PM
I'm a new dad, my little girl being almost two months old. she's a handful sometimes, but they all are at this age. other than that she's awesome. strong, healthy, really smart; she's trying to crawl already even though her body isn't quite ready for it, and she's trying to repeat words, although again, her vocal structure hasn't developed enough to do it. but she tries. our first and only child, we really do not plan on having another. well, we didn't plan on this one either, but accidents happen, heh. her mom had the better job out of the two of us and we really didn't want to put her in daycare, so, I quit my shitty Sears job (who are we kidding, the company is going under anyway) and now I'm a stay at home dad. crazy stuff.

xmd 5a
12-21-2014, 02:43 AM
Father of two here. I've got a 3 year-old daughter and 10 month-old son. My daughter has always been a handful but my son has been pretty easygoing thus far. My wife is a stay-at-home mother at the moment while she's studying. Apparently my daughter is fairly well behaved while I'm at work and mainly starts to get silly and misbehave when I'm home of an evening/on weekends.

Fixer808
12-21-2014, 01:37 PM
One on the way in March! I'm excited and terrified.

halloween
12-22-2014, 05:17 PM
It drives me crazy that my niece is growing up and I can't be there to watch!! Growing up within two countries has always been tough for me, since sometimes I really want my mommy's hugs and my sister's presence. Now it's even worse because of my little niece!! I've always wanted to go back to Brazil and I think it's a long time coming so I'm going to try planning for it in the next year or two. The timing is finally starting to look right, woot!

Big Fat Matt
12-22-2014, 09:24 PM
So I have been my little sisters father figure since I was about 17. (I'm currently 25, she is days from being 14). Shit is rough sometimes with her. I don't know what the inside of the head of a hormonal girl sounds like. I know what it was like being 13/14, and it fuckin' sucked. I just fear that I'm giving her too much space, and that I should be more "involved" in stuff, like getting to better know her friends and their parents. I mean, my mom and I can't be doing TOO bad, she is a straight A+ student, in all accelerated classes, captain of the track team, and best alto in the choir. Then again, I was straight A+ and captain of the wrestling team at her age, and now I'm a guy that sells car parts. so yeah.

Oh yeah, I live not only with my mother and my sister, but my mothers parents, (grandmother is 84, grandfather is 85). Grandpa has severe dementia, to the extent of claiming we forge his handwriting on things to "frame" him for being stupid. so yeah. My grandma is cool as fuck though. We watch hockey and baseball together. We are an all star team when it comes to cooking, and she has a wonderfully blue sense of humor.


in conclusion... so yeah.

halloween
12-23-2014, 04:26 PM
You're probably giving her the right amount of space if she isn't completely destroying her life. Hormones are a bitch, so to say. I wish my mom had been more involved in my life at that age but she was only aggressive and took my emotional problems personally and basically I was flunking high school so then I went to live with my dad to homeschool. Man, he could have been seen as so detached but he was SO PATIENT with me and gave me SO MUCH space and I forever am grateful. I knew he cared still by the small things, like buying me oreos all the time- Even when I asked him to stop, haha.

Anyways...that's my 2c.

r_k_f
12-24-2014, 07:31 AM
Just came to the realization that Christmas as I've known it for the past 13 years is over.... My younger daughter (8) despite wanting to believe, is piecing together the fact that there is no Santa or Christmas magic. It's sad. 24 more hours of trying to play up the entire thing then it's over. It makes me regret not playing it up even more over the years. She truly gets the concept of giving though, it's quite cute how much more she enjoys giving gifts rather than receiving them. She saved up all of her own money to do shopping for the family & extended family and wouldn't let us chip in. The complete opposite of my soon to be 13 year old daughter who blows thru her cash as fast as she gets it. I'm saddened to the point that it almost makes me want another kid so I can keep it going.. Almost.
Moral of the story: Ugh, time sucks.... Enjoy things you might perhaps take for granted before they're gone..

aggroculture
01-15-2015, 12:26 PM
My wife is actively campaigning for number two.

OK.

DigitalChaos
01-15-2015, 12:45 PM
My wife is actively campaigning for number two.

OK.

This is what my 4yo keeps doing.
I'm all "dude, we just bought a house so you can have a yard to run around in and good schools... you can have a pet or something. STAHP"

aggroculture
01-15-2015, 01:06 PM
That's interesting: our kid every time we ask her if she'd like a baby sibling she's all "No, I have [my doll]"

Ryan
01-15-2015, 04:22 PM
Bumping time!

Our little one is 5 months and a complete angel in every way. Who else has kids?

DigitalChaos
01-15-2015, 07:38 PM
That's interesting: our kid every time we ask her if she'd like a baby sibling she's all "No, I have [my doll]"
hahaha
you kid sounds hilarious and awesome
my kid is so damn social and extroverted that I have to catch myself from trying to reel him back in social situation because I am the opposite. "no no don't talk to that person" type stuff

halloween
02-12-2015, 06:10 PM
Family.
My dad, just in a super casual standing-by-the-car-about-to-leave way, starts talking about how he wants to move back to his hometown (possibly to the house he grew up in, which is being rented out, each floor a separate apt.) because he needs to "simplify life" and sell his current house. I swear to god he definitely changed his demeanor and seemed super sensitive about this because- HE'S TALKING ABOUT HOW OLD HE IS. Living alone on a mountain in you late 70's, things get tough. I tried to draw him out by asking him if this was a hard decision to make or if he got emotional at all and matter-of-factly he said "No, because I always viewed this house as temporary." He had a fever recently that put him out pretty badly for a couple days, not being able to go light a fire to keep the house warm (he does have gas heating as a back up of course). He mentioned that if he has more "incidents like this" it won't be a good idea to stay there. I hate how I have to read inbetween the lines, like "simplify" probably means being closer to civilization in case something bad happens and more of what he alluded too, a smaller house to take care of (his house is one giant storage unit, it's so cluttered with STUFF, it triggers my OCD pretty badly being there because he never cleans or organizes). I'm happy though because this means he'll be next door to his sister (in her 80's also living alone!!!) and other family in the town. I wonder if this was also triggered by the fact that I want to move out of this town....Oh well.

This is all to say that I grew up half my life thinking about when he was going to die and finally in college I realized he's healthy and we have a lot of time together, but now it's gone back to time-is-so-limited and it's a relief to see that my dad really is thinking about these things. I used to think he was just going to stay up on that mountain the rest of his life and how difficult it would be when he stopped being able to drive around safely on his own and all that stuff....

Dra508
02-12-2015, 06:37 PM
halloween My parents are in their late 70's too and they are definitely "feeling it". I think that happens when those aches and pains are more frequent, you get naturally a bit more forgetful, and your friends start dying off. It's good that he's sorta talking about it. Need a plan, or else the plan is made for you.

allegro
02-12-2015, 10:25 PM
My mom's 76, and me and my friends and cousins talk about the "wellness checks" we have to do on our widowed parents; if we don't call and check on them and miss a day, that could be the one day they've had a stroke and they're lying on the floor unable to crawl to a phone, or maybe they died hours ago and they're lying there decomposing and we never checked on them ... these are the visuals we get when we have to take care of our aging parents, egad.

I'll call my Mom, she ONLY has an iPhone, now, no other phone, and it rings then goes to voice mail. I wait, then try again. This happens 3 more times. Then I get worried. I look at her Gmail account. My halfbrother (he looks after our dad in Detroit) calls this the Green Ball Wellness Check: if the green ball is lit, they've recently been active in Gmail. Nope, she hasn't been in Gmail since yesterday. Now I'm getting worried, the "I've fallen and I can't get up" visual, even though my mom climbs 4 flights of stairs in her condo building for exercise. I'm just about to DRIVE OVER THERE when my phone rings.

"Honey, did you call me? I've been running errands and I'm at Target."

So when they kind of help us out, move closer to neighbors or friends, give a key to somebody we can call to do a wellness check ... It helps!!!

My best friend's mother-in-law is NINETY and is a widow and refuses to sell her house way out in the boonies and SHE STILL DRIVES even though she's blind in one eye, and my friend tried to talk her into a LifeAlert necklace and almost did but the old lady changed her mind. I guess she has too much fun making everybody worry all the time.

G and I don't have kids so we'll be in expensive Assisted Living, lol.

aggroculture
02-12-2015, 10:57 PM
OMG looking after your kid, who is sick
when you are sick too
is just painful

halloween
02-13-2015, 08:27 PM
Dra and Allegro- I'm SO glad my dad's been making these plans. I'm moved back home hoping I'd be happy here while being near him but honestly, I'm the age of his grandchildren and feel too young to be stuck here waiting around so knowing he's planning this made me less guilty about moving away (two hours away granted isn't very far!!) I had a terrible dream last night about my mom dieing (she's in her 50s) and I woke up feeling terrible anxiety. She's in another country and don't see her more than once a year at this rate and it would kill me if something were to happen to her before I saw again this year =[ She's in excellent health though so nothing should happen. She's a terrible driver though...

allegro
02-13-2015, 08:32 PM
I think we all start feeling (or, we SHOULD, anyway), as we age and our parents age, the need to spend as much time as we can with our parents. We get so busy and we don't want regrets, later. Good thing, too! Regrets are bad!

Skype is good! Phone and writing letters and communicating.

Dra508
02-13-2015, 09:21 PM
My mom's 76, and me and my friends and cousins talk about the "wellness checks" we have to do on our widowed parents; if we don't call and check on them and miss a day, that could be the one day they've had a stroke and they're lying on the floor unable to crawl to a phone, or maybe they died hours ago and they're lying there decomposing and we never checked on them ... these are the visuals we get when we have to take care of our aging parents, egad.
.
Not to be morbid but.....

This happened to my ex's grandmother. 88, lived alone, of her right mind, just dropped dead in her chair a few days after Christmas. I think she was there for a day or so before a neighbor checked on her.

My dad's best friend from college, life time bachelor, a lawyer, died alone in his apartment. He was found a week after he died. My dad was so sad. And mad, the freaking guy didn't have a will.

Everyone should have a will. Especially, people with kids!

allegro
02-13-2015, 09:24 PM
Even without kids. Otherwise it's just a god damned mess.

halloween
02-14-2015, 05:27 PM
Both my parents, about 6 or 7 years ago near the same time decided to explain their wills to me and my sister. So I know that's taken care of at least....

aggroculture
02-17-2015, 09:53 AM
This morning's tantrum: she didn't want me to heat up the waffles, just wanted to eat them straight from the freezer.
The second one was about not wanting to get dressed.
#terribletwos

allegro
02-17-2015, 11:50 AM
This morning's tantrum: she didn't want me to heat up the waffles, just wanted to eat them straight from the freezer.
The second one was about not wanting to get dressed.
#terribletwos

I learned in my "child development" class that you're supposed to give them "choices?" That they're all about choices at that age, and about autonomy? So, say ...

"Do you want your waffle toasted? Or do you want your waffle heated up in the microwave?"

"What do you want to wear this morning? This outfit? Or this outfit?"

You're really making the choices, but you're pretending to give them the choice and they're too stupid to notice.

Eventually, they'll figure this out, but not until they're 3 or 4 and you'll have to expand the choices.

Sarah K
02-17-2015, 11:56 AM
Did she eat the waffle while it was still frozen? Because I think that sounds hilarious.

aggroculture
02-17-2015, 02:00 PM
I learned in my "child development" class that you're supposed to give them "choices?" That they're all about choices at that age, and about autonomy? So, say ...

"Do you want your waffle toasted? Or do you want your waffle heated up in the microwave?"

"What do you want to wear this morning? This outfit? Or this outfit?"

You're really making the choices, but you're pretending to give them the choice and they're too stupid to notice.

Eventually, they'll figure this out, but not until they're 3 or 4 and you'll have to expand the choices.





Oh believe me, I did that in both cases.
In fact I ended up heating some in the oven, and some in the toaster: but she didn't want either.
And then she gathered all of them on her plate.
Same with the clothes.
I think she's in a "no" phase - says no before she even sees what you're offering.

allegro
02-17-2015, 02:23 PM
Oh believe me, I did that in both cases.
In fact I ended up heating some in the oven, and some in the toaster: but she didn't want either.
And then she gathered all of them on her plate.
Same with the clothes.
I think she's in a "no" phase - says no before she even sees what you're offering.

Hahahahaha, SHE'S GONNA BE A LAWYER!!!!

I guess you should've done different choices, instead of two different versions of waffles. The kid obviously has good taste and wants it all.

"Okay, do you want these shitty waffles, or do you want a nice Western Omelet that actually requires some effort? How about a mimosa? And a pool boy?"

My mom used to call that shit "the stall tactic." It wasn't about breakfast, it was about delaying breakfast. But, yeah, they do go through a "no" phase. They just like the autonomy.

On Friday night, G and I went to Bennihana really early, we happened to be passing by. And we witnessed something we had NO IDEA happened at Bennihana during the early hours on Fridays.

KIDS. LOTS AND LOTS OF FAIRLY LITTLE KIDS.

HOLY SHITBALLS WERE THERE KIDS.

One mother had THREE little kids, ALL BY HERSELF she was wrangling these kids. Her son was 15 months, the middle daughter was 2 1/2 and the oldest daughter was 4. I know this because G and I had a teppanyaki table all to ourselves but this mom was at the table next to us, sharing the table with another mom/dad and their daugher who was 4, and they were all yelling to each other various factoids of get-to-know-you shit.

But WOW this mom-of-three had PATIENCE holy shit. At some point, the middle daughter wanted the onion soup but the table was too tall, so she kneeled on the chair but then she got soup all over her shirt. Of course, not her fault. So Mom was trying to negotiate this, but now the little son was SCREAMING that he wanted the soup (he was non-verbal so had no other way to communicate). So Mom finally figures out that middle daughter needs a booster chair (I had leaned over to G, "she needs a booster chair") so she summoned the mostly non-existent waiter who finally arrives with the booster chair. Mom, STILL PATIENT, ties a napkin around middle daughter's neck, puts the kid on the booster chair, and VOILA. Middle daughter could eat her own soup, leaving Mom to tend to screaming little son and make hilarious funny faces at him to get him to shut up. The oldest daughter was in her own world with her food and her dolly, not very helpful at all.

So G and I looked away for a little while, and when I looked back at Patient Mom, she was giving Little Son fried rice by first looking around to see if anyone noticed, then putting it on the teppanyaki table, then letting him pick it up with his hands on his own. HEY, WHATEVER WORKS. LOL, watching this woman handle three kids so patiently and deftly and keeping them from going apeshit was amazing. I walked out thinking NOTHING in my world was very stressful at all compared to that shit. The whole fucking restaurant full of kids was more stressful than anything in my entire life.

halloween
02-17-2015, 07:50 PM
Hahaha, man, that's my JOB right now. I'm in the 2 yr classroom at a non-recurring child care (ski resort woot!) and I've learned what it means to find infinite patience. I mean, I can spend all day watching the kids make a food mess or wait for them to actually eat or make a decision on what to eat (if they come with their own choices of food), it's the crying and screaming at a nap time or any time really, that pushes my patience. One day was particularly rough, five kids crying about non stop all day (not even the same five, it just alternated) in a room of 18- EIGHTEEN KIDS. After my ear drums started twitching, I had visions of myself screaming at the top of my lungs too. This wasn't cathartic at all so instead I took a deep breath and simply imagined myself disintegrating into the air, being invisible, not there, there is no ME to get annoyed, there is no ME hearing the noise, I am nothing. I discovered the true meaning of patience that day.

That said, I love my job. My sister burnt out after a year of working with toddlers, I feel like I can easily do this for a long time.
That said, I can easily see myself getting tired and wanting to take care of my own kid, not others.

Qualis_Dolor
02-18-2015, 12:35 PM
Thought I'd share this.

Forty weeks come down to a mother's first moment, and everything changes. Crying keeps her awake, but silence is deafening. She'll teach him to walk only to chase him out of the street, out of a tree, and out of harm's way. Then suddenly time stands still; long days and endless nights morph into years, and as other mothers are chasing their babies, her baby is driving away. The mathematics of motherhood: Days that last forever add up to years that pass in the blink of an eye.

botley
12-15-2019, 10:37 AM
One on the way in March! I'm excited and terrified.

Same.

I know, what a difference a year makes.

Halo Infinity
01-29-2020, 12:32 AM
I'm still in awe as to how only children are the minority (Even a rarity dare I say.) in families. I know it's personal and none of my business, but I really am curious as to why parents believe in siblings, beyond/aside the "So my kids won't be lonely." reason.

It just fascinates me, because aside from getting married, procreation itself with or without marriage is one of the most popular and normal things to do, yet even stopping at one child still seems to stick out like a sore thumb.

Most families I know have 2 to 3 children. The families with 4+ children aren't as common, at least with people I've met and known personally. 2 and 3 are the usual amount of children they have.

As for me, I'm an only child and I'm still learning new and fascinating things about sibling dynamics that are very foreign to me.

I mean now, the thought of like say, even if you're not napping, dilly-dallying or engaging in tomfoolery, should you have grown up with brothers and sisters, you couldn't even return from school and change without being interrupted, let alone tie your shoes without being interrupted, as if it wasn't hectic enough communicating with your parents.

And I've been told time and time again that I can't even compare/gauge my communication/avoidance experiences to my parents with sibling communication/avoidance either. (Which is what I've based it on out of habit... and yes, ignorance too.)

I even have yet to see generations of only children. I'd imagine it would be quite the surprise of parents and grandparents being all only children.

thefragile_jake
04-24-2020, 10:28 AM
Hello everyone. I’m at a loss right now and I need to post something to get this out, so I apologize for the rambling.

My mother passed on Sunday sometime in the early morning hours at age of 63. I’m currently on bereavement leave this week from work and I’m trying to make sense of everything. My Mother had stage five kidney failure and was on dialysis since 2017. Almost a year later, she discovered she had lung cancer and began taking Keytruda treatments. She had been in and out of the hospital several times since the fall of last year and this year was really rough. There were so many starts and stops to how worse and better her condition got that my brain wasn’t able to settle down. She was tired, weak, in pain and ready to go but she was afraid it was going to hurt to let go and was afraid of how it would affect my Father, my younger brother and I. She was ready to start hospice this week and had got all the equipment delivered to the house after the pretty painful Saturday for her. She passed in her sleep in one of her favorite chairs as my Dad laid on a blow up mattress to sleep by her at night. The last time I saw her was last Friday evening as I visited my family when my Dad called sometime in the morning to say it’s probably a good idea to visit. She was in pain and restless, but I know we told each other we loved each other. From her condition and the medicine, her awareness levels had not really been too stable. That Friday afternoon I called the family to check on everyone and I asked my Father to give Mom the phone and she told me she loved me with so much sorrow in her voice and I told her I loved her too. I didn’t know that’d be the last time I would talk to her on the phone.

I moved out of my family’s house in the spring of 2016. I’m 33 now and live with my fiancée and our rescue cat. I called my Mom all the time and especially as her condition worsened, I always called to check on her and talk. On top of that, as many people can do ... I relied on her a lot for my anxiety. If I had a bad day at work (which was rampant in 2017 and 2018 with a previous job), was scared about the future or just needed a reminder that I’m doing okay in life-I would call her and cry and come back down to Earth.

My family is super close. We went on vacations, we always had fun at restaurants, holidays were amazing growing up and we all deeply loved each other. My Mom and I did a lot together as well. We always watched a lot of movies and we even saw a few concerts together. The first time I ever visited Chicago was with my Mom. Her and I saw a musician I adored named Jonsi who is best known as the leader singer of the band Sigur Ros. Mom had no idea who he was, but was excited to take a trip and it ended up being an amazing time. We always talked about that trip.

We talked a lot. It’s why I’m not recovering very well from the fact that I’m super upset and I can’t call her and tell her I love her and for her to tell me things are going to be okay. I’m getting married in October and we originally thought about possibly moving things up since last November and December got so bad for her ... but upon talking to family, we kept our October date and moved forward. I knew there was going to be a chance she wasn’t going to be at the wedding and it was a real possibility, but facing an inevitable as opposed to accepting the reality has been hard. My mother loved my fiancée a lot and I think that had a lot to do with how in love my fiancée and I are. Mom always hoped I’d find someone that gave me the love that her and my Dad have and for me to just be happy.

All I’ve been doing this week is listening to the song we picked to dance together to. I’m sad. I’m in a daze and I don’t know how my father, brother, aunt (her sister and only immediate family relative) and I are going to get through this. I miss her so much. I’m not ready to go back to work next week and I’m not ready for a lot of things. I’m not ready to be a statistic of a Motherless family and I’m not ready to accept the new normal of her being gone. Everyone I know has been incredible. Too incredible, in fact. Lots of texts, nice messages on a tribute post I made of her, personal messages and many people wanting to offer me food.

I love my Mom so much and all I want to do is have more time with her. I may delete this because this was emotional vomit that needed to come out of me after a really tough week. I still do my two hour walks to get my exercise, I talk good memories with my fiancée, I call my family and check up on them and see how they’re doing and I’m trying to keep myself busy by thinking of other things ... but all I want is my Mom. Thank you for reading this.

eversonpoe
04-24-2020, 12:40 PM
thefragile_jake i'm so sorry. <3

allegro
04-25-2020, 12:17 AM
thefragile_jake I’m so sorry. Sending you a big hug. It’s very hard. I lost my Dad 4 years ago. It’s a heartbreak that is hard to describe. And your Mom was so young.

One thing that helped me a great deal was to think of my Dad as still being with me, like his energy and spirit still being there although his physical body wasn’t. I wasn’t sure if it was true or not but I needed so much to believe it. I finally realized that it was true because he lives on in my heart.

My sincerest condolences to you and your Dad and family. May the knowledge that your Mom is free from of her suffering ease your grief and suffering if only a little. Your Mom’s love will always live inside you.

GulDukat
04-25-2020, 07:49 AM
thefragile_jake

I'm really sorry.

Magnetic
04-25-2020, 09:01 AM
thefragile_jake

I'm so sorry. I agree with allegro, when my Dad suddenly passed...I would talk out loud to him for several months afterwards. The world never feels the same again, but with time it gets better. Focus on the good times, and rest easy knowing that she knows how much you love her.

hologram parade
04-25-2020, 07:40 PM
this thread has been really helpful to read through. thank you to everyone for sharing - both good and bad stuff.


a lot of this stuff is dark (maybe better for the mental helath thread, my apologies), and its been really hard to share. ill try to end things on a positve note, but right off the bat ive gotta give extra thanks and love to eversonpoe for being a extremly kind person and checking in on me from time to time as my 2020 has unfolded poorly.


my mom did the best she good raising me, as a early 20s single mom who struggled a lot. we moved 9 hours away from my dad after he hurt her and we ended up in the women’s shelter. i dont blame her for anything, other than letting me get near my father again. she didnt know how to keep me OR herself safe. she never hit me, or stole from me, or made me feel small. my mother loved me, and she loved her young grandson. she killed herself on 02.01.20, at the age of 49. in a surreal nightmare akin to some cliche movie i was notified by police after the cleaning lady found the body. i am haunted every day by this. every day. as others have said, time does help, but damn does losing a parent hurt. as a kid, the only truly safe place i could go was my paternal grandmother's house. one of the brightest, kindest, people I’ve ever met. her 30+ year marriage to my grandfather was the only healthy relationship i've ever seen in real life. she died in her sleep last month.


tomorrow my only son turns 1 years old, and its breaking my heart that i cant share his happiness and him growing up with the two women who raised me. he's a beautiful little boy! most days are filled with laughter, outside adventures and his big smiles. the greatest thing ill do in life is get to be his dad. really trying to focus on his future and not my past.

Magnetic
04-25-2020, 08:39 PM
I'm so sorry. That sounds very difficult, but the silver lining is that you're trying to be the best you can. Honor memory, do the best going forward...I guess that's all anyone can do.

eversonpoe
04-26-2020, 11:32 PM
this thread has been really helpful to read through. thank you to everyone for sharing - both good and bad stuff.


a lot of this stuff is dark (maybe better for the mental helath thread, my apologies), and its been really hard to share. ill try to end things on a positve note, but right off the bat ive gotta give extra thanks and love to @eversonpoe (https://www.echoingthesound.org/community/member.php?u=588) for being a extremly kind person and checking in on me from time to time as my 2020 has unfolded poorly.


my mom did the best she good raising me, as a early 20s single mom who struggled a lot. we moved 9 hours away from my dad after he hurt her and we ended up in the women’s shelter. i dont blame her for anything, other than letting me get near my father again. she didnt know how to keep me OR herself safe. she never hit me, or stole from me, or made me feel small. my mother loved me, and she loved her young grandson. she killed herself on 02.01.20, at the age of 49. in a surreal nightmare akin to some cliche movie i was notified by police after the cleaning lady found the body. i am haunted every day by this. every day. as others have said, time does help, but damn does losing a parent hurt. as a kid, the only truly safe place i could go was my paternal grandmother's house. one of the brightest, kindest, people I’ve ever met. her 30+ year marriage to my grandfather was the only healthy relationship i've ever seen in real life. she died in her sleep last month.


tomorrow my only son turns 1 years old, and its breaking my heart that i cant share his happiness and him growing up with the two women who raised me. he's a beautiful little boy! most days are filled with laughter, outside adventures and his big smiles. the greatest thing ill do in life is get to be his dad. really trying to focus on his future and not my past.

<3 love you. seeing pictures of you and your family always makes me smile.

eversonpoe
05-18-2020, 10:49 AM
i can officially announce that sarah and i are going to be having a baby! due around thanksgiving. we're very excited! but with everything going on in the world, we're trying to be as cautious as possible. don't want to put her and/or the pregnancy at risk. it's a scary time to be expanding one's family.

allegate
05-21-2020, 10:08 AM
so, anyone here have experience with existential crises and teenagers? my son let me wife know that he's incredibly lonely because he can't see any friends. They also rebuff his efforts to get a zoom thing going and watch a movie or something together.

a week ago he had a blow-up because there was an online game thing going on and we already had plans, but now I think I understand better why he was so upset: maybe that's the only time he can actually get time with other people.

couldn't sleep last night from thinking about this.

allegro
05-24-2020, 11:22 AM
allegate : Apologize, validate, and listen? When something comes up with his friends, again, let him do (safe) stuff with his friends? (He already has more “family time” than any teen can possibly handle. He’s officially sick of hanging out solely with you “old people.”)

allegate
05-24-2020, 11:37 AM
yeah, we're all a little done with each other. :)

Got through all of community and now working on what our next show will be, that helps pass time.

And were also being more attentive to what he might need or want. Though at the same time letting him know there are limits to the sass he can give.

allegate
11-17-2020, 01:09 PM
https://i.gr-assets.com/images/S/compressed.photo.goodreads.com/books/1571127808l/52894214._SX318_SY475_.jpg

This was without a doubt the best book I've read about parenting. Which is funny because there's a whole section about parenting books and the dumb people who recommend them.

See, I feel like those books and their message is based on a particular set of experiences and those don't happen universally. So if you get a book recommended to you and you're like "this is ridiculous" then the experiences they had to write the book don't match the ones you are having with your kid. Which makes these things difficult as far as recommendations go because no one knows what you're going through other than you so you have to read a bunch of books until you get the one where you're like "ah ha!". And for me, this is that book.

So here's the thing about that: my son is 15. So technically this book is "late" for me and any parenting tips should be wasted, right? Well, no. Because what this book did for me was put my fears and thoughts into a form that to me said "you aren't the only one who thought this, who went through this."

And if you watched the special on Netflix? Hey there's lots here that are extra. Sure some of the stories are verbatim from the show but so what? It is interesting piecing together where/when the stories here take place in regards to not only that show but also the other one "Thank God for Jokes". Which is only an aside but I personally like that meta info so I can place things. I'm weird, eh.

The nakedness of what he and his wife share in this book is at times both refreshing and also so intimate it's like you should be covering your eyes (ears?) or something. It's like you have private thoughts that you have and you don't share with anyone because you feel they are damaging and he's doing the audiobook equivalent of "I worked on this story for a year and he tweeted it out". And maybe I'm unique in this but my pet peeve is "Am I the only one who..." because when there are this many people in the world you aren't. Ever. So stop it! Anyway.

This part is the hardest for me to write about because they are deep thoughts of the sort you never say out loud because they scare you so much that you're afraid of scaring someone else when you share them. Like how when he mentions the story about him doing dishes? And then hours later in the book he talks about how there is never one side to a story and shares his wife's side where she says “You tell that story about me breast-feeding at the kitchen table. The only part that isn’t true is that you do the dishes.” And this leads him (condensing a bit here) to realizing that he needs to change as well. His wife changed from a wife to a mother and he doesn't feel like a father. So he changes a lot of things in his life and he becomes one. I can't say how slow or fast this happened, not all of the book has dates on it after all and it's his story-style to jump quickly sometimes, but it happens.

The only part of the book I was not a complete fan of was the poetry and that is only because I am not a poetry person. Some of them are just as nakedly honest as the book portion and that, I am ashamed to say, is part of it because it made me uncomfortable. This is not a good or bad thing, poetry does that, but in a review of a book that is at least a little bit about being honest with yourself and others it's important to say. And not in a conservative/ban-the-book kind of way, just in a way that art can make you feel sometimes. It's not a bad thing (I'm speaking to a figurative version of Mike's dad right now, I think) to feel like that, it's part of being a person.

The last thing I want to touch on is the "intern" aspect of being a father, as well as the “I get why dads leave.” I see a lot on the internet about dads and how they "babysit" their kids. (let's set aside the whole wife/husband/partner thing for this conversation just so I don't have to type it out every time; assume the correct descriptor for your situation as appropriate) This is (rightfully) derided when it is brought up. *You* aren't babysitting *your* kids - for one thing you're not being paid (https://www.google.com/url?sa=i&url=https%3A%2F%2Fgiphy.com%2Fexplore%2Fbadum-tish&psig=AOvVaw3xe8ph3KSf5QZH3BrME9gZ&ust=1605725264599000&source=images&cd=vfe&ved=0CAIQjRxqFwoTCND_3fSeiu0CFQAAAAAdAAAAABAD)! - so his use of intern makes a little more sense at least, but seriously it's not something you should ever say. It's a partnership, you should be taking turns and trying to not hold each other back. (See: Vows, A. in the book) So if it seems imbalanced, it's not going to be that way forever. But it feels that way sometimes, especially when you're running on whatever fumes you have plus trying to not let things change your lives (see: Vows, addendum 1). You should have rational conversations about this, but I refer you back to the fumes you have to work with at this time. To describe it as a tight rope is being kind to the tight rope.

It's rough, and it can cause problems with both of you. Hmm, 'can' is doing a lot of work in that sentence. Can? Well, for a lot of people it's more like "will". And you can intuit from the book that it doesn't matter how settled you are in life. We were in our late 20s when we had a child and Mike was late 30s. Most of the experiences were the same, and we were way less OK in our life/work situation at the time. I remember telling my wife that he likes her way more than me. She was (and is) smarter than I though and said it would change. And it has. But the point is I readily identified with Mike when he says "I’m not in 'we' anymore? I'm a founding member of 'we'."

I've said a lot about this book. More than I think I've said about any other book here. The part that resonated with me the most is the end where he talks about what I've mentioned already, those thoughts that are so deep in yourself that you feel like exposing them would be akin to exposing yourself. But you have to share them with the person you're living with. If you don't, resentment can form. The first six years were fraught, the next couple were tense, but we have both grown to where we're way more honest with each other and it's due to the increase in sharing instead of bottling things up. Hell, there's at least two more paragraphs I could do about bottling things up but that's being drifty.

Also never ever use the babysitter argument! I wish I could go and take that argument back, to my eternal shame. College and exams are fleeting, spending time with your young child isn't. Well it is but it lasts for a nominally longer amount of time but then they just keep growing.

one final thought because it doesn't have anything to do with the book as a whole: the part where they talk about putting their cat down wrecked me. We had to put our cat of 18 years down in the spring of 2019 and the way he describes it is spot on. It's maybe the hardest I've ever cried and it was indeed a very naked feeling. The other time I'd cried that hard is at my dad's funeral, which surprised me because we weren't close but it just hit me because of the emotional turmoil of the previous three years plus other stuff sorta mentioned above. At any rate, I was driving while listening and it was raining and yeah it was tough to drive.

Ok two final thoughts. The opposite of the above happened frequently where I found myself positively cackling while listening to him describe a situation. I don't really do jokes so much as funny stories with some embellishment so I can really appreciate them when he cracks one off. The one about everyone in the YMCA hearing him 'brag' about his dad bod? As a man with a dad bod that had me going. I'm so glad I was alone while driving because it would have been weird to be near anyone who could hear me laughing that hard because I would have had to try to stifle it from fear of embarrassment.

eversonpoe: I mention you if only because you are in a unique place right now in that you'll be in the thick of this soon. (if all goes as planned on my wedding anniversary no less! :) )

r_z
11-17-2020, 05:10 PM
So our daughter just recently turned two and those last two years have been something I wasn't prepared for in any kind of way. It went like this:

- Our daughter had to undergo some sort of minor surgery when she was just a few weeks old, which meant going to therapists and doctors multiple times a week for about two months straight.

- My wife tried breastfeeding, but it wouldn't work - instead she got some kind of inflammation in one of her breasts that came with horrible pain. So she had to go see a lot of doctors herself - all while we had to take care of a newborn. Eventually my wife had to undergo surgery as well a few weeks later. She paid for having a baby with being permanently scarred on her belly and breasts.

- Then my wife's mother had a stroke (her first).

- Then a drunk woman, on course to commit suicide, hit our car (which was parked) full frontal.

- Then we had to move to a new house.

- Then Corona hit.

- And then my mother in law had another stroke. She recovered from the first, but this one took a heavier toll on her. She's now unable to walk (aside from making a few steps at a time) and she's deeply depressed as a result of this.

- My wife is also scared about the state her mother is in (understandably so) and tries to see her as much as possible before it might be too late (doctors said the next stroke will be terminal).

- Meanwhile our daughter entered daycare, which took WEEKS to go by smoothly. The people there think our daughter has some sort of hypersensitivity. Which basically means she's more sensitive to experiences than 'normal' kids her age. This, for example, resulted in her being able to talk in whole sentences at the age of two (because she's a fast learner and soaks in everything she experiences). But it also shows in her being very cautious, sometimes simply having enough whenever there's just too much going on in a given situation or having a hard time being without us. I'm not too worried about it, though it explains a lot of things in hindsight.

This is the first time I'm writing all of that down and it feels crazy just thinking about those two years. I have learned a lot about myself, mainly that I've been very impatient for most of my life - and how hard it is to get rid of that. But it also taught us a lot of resilience, I'm sure. I just hope there will be a time in the future where we just don't have to worry about stuff. Anything. Just leading a normal life with a kid.

So, for us, having her turning two has been as much a reason to celebrate ourselves. We fucking did it, we pulled through! She's two and she's great. I love her.

Erneuert
11-17-2020, 05:12 PM
Our next child (another girl!) is due January 29 via C-section.

eversonpoe
11-17-2020, 07:50 PM
r_z that sounds like a LOT of intensity in a short period of time. i'm so sorry y'all have had to go through so much. but i'm glad you're seeing the good things in it, too.

today was sarah's last day of work, and she's now off for baby time. we thought she was going to be induced tomorrow, but thankfully that's not happening (it was simply because her OB is taking time off next week and has multiple patients due). so we're just gonna ride it out and see how things go! she's not actually due til next wednesday so everything's fine.

allegate
11-18-2020, 11:08 AM
So our daughter just recently turned two and those last two years have been something I wasn't prepared for in any kind of way. It went like this:

- Our daughter had to undergo some sort of minor surgery when she was just a few weeks old, which meant going to therapists and doctors multiple times a week for about two months straight.

- My wife tried breastfeeding, but it wouldn't work - instead she got some kind of inflammation in one of her breasts that came with horrible pain. So she had to go see a lot of doctors herself - all while we had to take care of a newborn. Eventually my wife had to undergo surgery as well a few weeks later. She paid for having a baby with being permanently scarred on her belly and breasts.

- Then my wife's mother had a stroke (her first).

- Then a drunk woman, on course to commit suicide, hit our car (which was parked) full frontal.

- Then we had to move to a new house.

- Then Corona hit.

- And then my mother in law had another stroke. She recovered from the first, but this one took a heavier toll on her. She's now unable to walk (aside from making a few steps at a time) and she's deeply depressed as a result of this.

- My wife is also scared about the state her mother is in (understandably so) and tries to see her as much as possible before it might be too late (doctors said the next stroke will be terminal).

- Meanwhile our daughter entered daycare, which took WEEKS to go by smoothly. The people there think our daughter has some sort of hypersensitivity. Which basically means she's more sensitive to experiences than 'normal' kids her age. This, for example, resulted in her being able to talk in whole sentences at the age of two (because she's a fast learner and soaks in everything she experiences). But it also shows in her being very cautious, sometimes simply having enough whenever there's just too much going on in a given situation or having a hard time being without us. I'm not too worried about it, though it explains a lot of things in hindsight.

This is the first time I'm writing all of that down and it feels crazy just thinking about those two years. I have learned a lot about myself, mainly that I've been very impatient for most of my life - and how hard it is to get rid of that. But it also taught us a lot of resilience, I'm sure. I just hope there will be a time in the future where we just don't have to worry about stuff. Anything. Just leading a normal life with a kid.

So, for us, having her turning two has been as much a reason to celebrate ourselves. We fucking did it, we pulled through! She's two and she's great. I love her.
That is a lot to go through in two years, and I'm incredibly happy for you all.

eversonpoe
11-22-2020, 12:37 PM
we officially have a peanut! born at 6:02am! we really lucked out with timing and procedures, everything went really smoothly, and we're currently chilling out in our room with harry potter 2 on the syfy channel.

Tom
11-22-2020, 12:49 PM
we officially have a peanut! born at 6:02am! we really lucked out with timing and procedures, everything went really smoothly, and we're currently chilling out in our room with harry potter 2 on the syfy channel.
Congratulations! Welcome to parenthood!

botley
11-22-2020, 01:08 PM
we officially have a peanut! born at 6:02am! we really lucked out with timing and procedures, everything went really smoothly, and we're currently chilling out in our room with harry potter 2 on the syfy channel.

Hooray!!! Congratulations!

marodi
11-22-2020, 01:51 PM
Congratulations to the both of you! Happy day of your birth, little one!

allegate
11-22-2020, 04:27 PM
Congrats! It's good to hear that everything went smoothly.

zero
11-22-2020, 06:16 PM
we officially have a peanut! born at 6:02am! we really lucked out with timing and procedures, everything went really smoothly, and we're currently chilling out in our room with harry potter 2 on the syfy channel.

How exciting, you will remember this event forever! All my best wishes.

Archive_Reports
11-23-2020, 07:40 AM
we officially have a peanut! born at 6:02am! we really lucked out with timing and procedures, everything went really smoothly, and we're currently chilling out in our room with harry potter 2 on the syfy channel.

Congratulations to you both!

eversonpoe
11-23-2020, 01:14 PM
thanks, y'all! <3

Magnetic
11-23-2020, 05:25 PM
we officially have a peanut! born at 6:02am! we really lucked out with timing and procedures, everything went really smoothly, and we're currently chilling out in our room with harry potter 2 on the syfy channel.

Congrats!!

eversonpoe
11-23-2020, 07:36 PM
We had the same experience back in mid-March... things weren't nearly as bad back then, but right as shit started getting locked down it was bizarre to say the least. I'm pretty lucky to even have been allowed in the delivery room.

(quoting you here because it made more sense to me than in the covid thread.)

yeah. and i don't know how anyone can be expected to do this on their own, even with the help of nurses. single parents, especially those who start at the very beginning on their own, deserve ALL the awards.

and also, any parent who refuses to participate in any part of the process of being a parent frankly isn't fit to be a parent. one of the guys i had a major conflict with at my last job, who was so proud of having a son that he named him Ben Jr., literally never tried to change a diaper, and refused to even consider the possibility of doing so. he just expected his girlfriend (who already had a daughter when they got together) to do it. he once literally said "nah, i don't do that shit." like, fuck you, dude. congrats on perpetuation misogyny.

botley
11-23-2020, 07:47 PM
Our kid is strong enough now that if he doesn't want to sit still, the diaper change mambo is suddenly a two-person job. Don't know how a single parent could even handle that!

Archive_Reports
11-23-2020, 07:54 PM
You'd think it gets easier when you transition to underwear, but that's when they really get to kicking.

Tom
11-24-2020, 03:40 AM
My partner and I struck what seemed to be a fair division of labour: she was responsible for input; I was responsible for output.

Erneuert
11-24-2020, 11:13 PM
we officially have a peanut! born at 6:02am! we really lucked out with timing and procedures, everything went really smoothly, and we're currently chilling out in our room with harry potter 2 on the syfy channel.

Congrats!

allegate
02-11-2021, 09:55 AM
Well, the boy passed his written driving test months ago and just passed his actual driving test. Now we just have to wait until he's 16 and he'll be ready to drive on his own.

my poor insurance. good thing I have that promotion coming up!

october_midnight
02-11-2021, 02:26 PM
The boy is almost 2 years old already. How the fuck did that happen.

allegate
03-10-2021, 02:22 PM
https://twitter.com/JStein_WaPo/status/1369727698566852608?s=20

for those new parents this is pretty great.

Tom
03-11-2021, 04:07 PM
My oldest turns five in a few weeks. We're beginning to suspect that she has ASD. There are a few separate things that are increasingly noticeable, particularly when we see her alongside kids her own age. We were already making plans for her to see a speech therapist, and the one we're talking to has experience with autistic kids, so she's going help us to get an assessment. We mentioned it to my son's nanny, who's looked after a few autistic kids, and she was like "Of course she is!", as if it was perfectly obvious. So we'll see.