The Relationship Thread

[slave2thewage]

Might as well add this back.

I'm single, since I've decided all men are bastards. Now, continue.

[october_midnight]

I'm getting married in July.

[halloween]

I'm getting married in July.

whoa, exciting! congrats!

[Pillfred]

Me and the lady broke up last month after 8 years together. Probably for the best as things have been kinda strained for a bit. On the up side it seems that I haven't completely lost my swagger.

[october_midnight]

Thank you! I actually proposed last Christmas but we gave ourselves a year and a half to plan/save $$$ and I highly recommend doing that for anybody. Holyyyyyy shit does the cost add up. Food for 100 people at $5800 alone? We're doing our best, with honeymoon included, to keep it under $30,000 and my goal is to be no more than $5,000 in debt once it's done.

[icklekitty]

I'm getting married in July.

That came out of nowhere!!


I've started dating again. The men are meh, but a girl's gotta eat.

[october_midnight]

^^^LOL that's QOTD material right there...

[leo3375]

I've been married for over four years. The Husband and I have been together for about 13 years now.

[sick among the pure]

The general rule is while I'm in school, I cook for us both and my boyfriend does the dishes, when I'm on break I cook and do the dishes. So, it's finals time, and he get a cute pout and asks if I'll do the dishes this time. I told him "if I get a chance to I'll help., but I'll probably be busy all day" Fast forward to later, this afternoon, where I'm doing homework and getting ideas written down getting ready to shoot for one of my finals. He asks "now tell me again why you can't do the dishes today?" I'm assuming he thought I was goofing around online rather than working on homework, so I told him I was doing homework and can't. Mind you, he's playing Metal Gear Solid 3 this whole conversation. He gets mad, doesn't say anything, but I know that look. A little while passes, I finish up on the computer and am ready to shoot. He breaks his silence to point out that the two characters on screen are gay, I giggle and go to give him a hug. He sits there and takes it, but doesn't really reciprocate. He then says "I'm still mad you won't take a 20 min break to do the dishes." I really wanted to say "I should take 20 minutes from doing my homework to do them so you don't have to take 20 minutes from playing a video game to do them? Seems fair..." because I didn't really want to start anything.
Eventually, my camera battery dies, and my extra seems to have lost its charge since it's been forever since I've been able to shoot digital for an assignment. So I tell him "you got your wish, I have to take a break and let my batteries charge."

Dishes are a problem a good part of the time. Between hours spent IN class, and twice as many hour spent outside class working on assignments, lately I'm only ever home to cook (him dinner before he goes to work, which often means coming home early just to have that done in time) and sleep. He feels like since he works full time and pays rent/electric, it shouldn't be his job to clean up the dishes I dirty. He won't cook because he never learned how (and is stubborn as hell when I try to teach him). He tried making himself grilled cheese while I was in class one day. Let's just say it was a disaster.
I don't mind cooking for him, I always loved experimenting with food when I was younger (I've taken nearly a half hour to make THE PERFECT MEAL-SIZED SALAD but oh god it was so good). I just need to find a way to deal with the dishes issue.
Anyone ever have a similar problem in a relationship? How did you handle things?

Oh, relationship info: dating 3 years, living together for most of it, getting engaged when money isn't so tight, we're awesome.

[Dra508]

^^^^Get in front of that now or else next thing you know ten years has gone by and you've let it go because it's the right thing to do and you're a tolerant person. Then you say "what the fuck, I am not your mom."

Yeah, I'm currently separated from my husband. In my mind, there's no going back. I got my own place and he wants to mediate a divorce. Translation - he wants the house and most of my income.

[DF118]

Dishes.

Bin them and start using cardboard plates.

[sick among the pure]

Bin them and start using cardboard plates.

I can't cook with those :p

[goody]

Going to NOLA with my boyfriend for Mardi Gras. I've wanted to go there all my life and never have gotten to even though my god mother lives down there so I am really excited. We leave the day after Valentine's day, haha. This is going to be crazy.

[slave2thewage]

Dishes-related woes

This is exactly why I'm happy about not being with someone. At the same time, I spent this time last week drunk on wine and bawling my eyes out at the end of the new Katy Perry video. C'est la vie.

[aurelius]

After the crap with the semi-stalker, a friend of a good friend started texting me. After many weeks we finally decided to go out. I'd never been physically attracted to him, but we'd always had so much fun talking together whenever we saw each other.

I am SO glad I gave it a shot. I'm astounded at how easy everything is with him. We make sure we talk and are honest. He makes me so happy. So safe. And the chemistry I never thought we had was just hiding. I cannot keep my hands off him.

Who knows where it'll lead, but we're just taking it as it comes.

[dogsipod]

Thank you! I actually proposed last Christmas but we gave ourselves a year and a half to plan/save $$$ and I highly recommend doing that for anybody. Holyyyyyy shit does the cost add up. Food for 100 people at $5800 alone? We're doing our best, with honeymoon included, to keep it under $30,000 and my goal is to be no more than $5,000 in debt once it's done.
My wife and I just got married in October. We ended up with a little more then $5000 in debt after it was all done. One thing I wished I would have done was open up a credit card that gives rewards. I put a shit load on my CC and got nothing in return. Also, plan to spend 25% more on the honeymoon then you budget.

[botley]

TL;DR version: my first big (four-and-a-half-year) relationship ended in July. We were long-distance off and on for two years before that, because of career commitments. Now she lives in England and we're still friends, but since the breakup I haven't seen her in person, nor been involved with anyone else.

We met as penniless idealistic university students, fucked like rabbits, and moved in together during our final year at school. After graduating, we both had a tough time finding our feet and setting out in the working world. During this time I spent a few weeks on my own backpacking in Europe for a sightseeing and music festival-going vacation. I had a great time, remained faithful, and missed her very much. I could tell that she wanted to go with me and was upset that she couldn't, and I would have brought her along if that were in any way financially feasible. But my job at the time sucked ass, and I really needed to clear my head and get myself together so I could move into the field I wanted to be in (theatre). It paid off, because soon after I came home to Toronto I landed a sweet internship that kept me out of the city for almost three months. Of course it was difficult for us to keep tabs on each other emotionally without being there in person, but I made an effort to commute back and forth as much as I could, given the infrequent public transportation available. There were lots of lonely nights and days, but again, I remained faithful and missed her terribly. We tried to make long phone calls a priority, but I was not great at opening up over the phone even at the best of times. When she finally came out there to visit me (rather than me commuting back home) towards the end of the internship, there was a definite distance between us that suddenly manifested itself as her getting upset again and scolding me. She said — in no uncertain terms — that if I in any way squandered this career opportunity, she would not forgive me for putting her through that much needless separation. Somehow, we got through that difficult patch, but when my big chance at a full-time gig came up the next year, with a regional summer stock theatre, I took off again.

We borrowed my uncle's car so I could bring my stuff out to the remote town where I'd be spending the next three months, which was even less accessible by reliable public transportation. We kissed goodbye and she drove back home. Towards the end of that summer, though I did keep visiting, our face-to-face time had become even rarer and it was clear that she was not making a return trip to visit me, which I thought I'd made clear was important if not absolutely essential to me. Instead, she called me up one night and told me of her plan to follow through on a longstanding dream to try finding a job in England. She has a dual citizenship, you see, and family there that she'd stay with. Maybe I could join her there after a few months. I was skeptical about this plan, given that it involved yet more time apart. In fact, I said outright that I couldn't envision how it'd be possible to make a relationship work with that much distance between us. She was upset again and said it wasn't fair that I got to have such an adventurous time on my own doing exciting things, that she needed this, that this is what she thought about all the time. Not for the first moment, I was considering breaking up with her right then and said so... but my options were limited. She said she wouldn't go if it meant I'd do that — and, well, I didn't want to deny her that which would make her happiest. I still loved her, after all, and despite how it might have appeared to anyone else I honestly thought I'd made every effort to keep the relationship going. I schlepped my stuff back home to Toronto on the twice-weekly bus, alone. I was in such a hurry to make it back to her that I left my only sex toy (a masturbation sleeve she'd bought me so I could keep my dick happy and still remain faithful) in the bedside drawer, where it remained until reappearing a year later to my absolute mortification.

When I got back, I wasn't exactly happy about the situation. With every step closer to her moving away, I was dreading the thought that we'd be separated for endless weeks and months. How would I make this work? There had to be a way. I figured I could save up enough money to move with her to England if I made the effort; if I moved back in with my parents to save money on rent, if I worked more, if I spent less, if I made sacrifices, if I applied for jobs from outside the country. We borrowed her mom's car, packed it with her stuff, kissed goodbye at the airport and I was genuinely excited to see her embarking on a new life. Eventually, I had enough scrimped together to make a short visit to see how she was doing (and — holy shit yeah — get laid again because I was still staying faithful this whole time... not that any of the masculine allure which comes with sleeping on a couch in my parents' spare room was exactly doing wonders for me). I was starting to have crushes on other girls and wondering what it would be like to cheat with them, though I kept Skyping and Whatsapp'ing with my beloved and reassuring her whenever she had problems with adjusting to life in England. We talked about how great it'd be if we both could get to work and live together again like it was in the old days. Secretly, though, I was starting to have grave doubts about this whole monogamy racket. My visit to England came and went, uneventfully, early this year. There were lots of nice moments, but somewhat less intimacy than I wanted (although I lied to her about that and said it was enough for me). I overspent my budget, even though I did significantly less sightseeing than on my previous solo Europe visit, aside from a few memorable day-trips (although I did get a chance to meet up with some online friends, whom I had missed the last time around).

I returned home, went on tour with a kick-ass musical theatre show, and started really adjusting to my life apart from her. My feelings of independence truly began to return when I sublet my friend's place for a few months, thus getting my ass off of my parents' couch. It felt like I was slowly climbing out of limbo. I eagerly took an offer to return to the same regional theatre festival where I'd worked the last year. It was actually even more fun staying there all summer without having to commute back to Toronto. She was getting some amazing job opportunities too, and is still having a blast in England. The conversations we had this summer were less and less about how we were feeling, and more about the exciting things we were doing that day. We were staying friendly but becoming less intimate. It was clear to me that that part of our relationship was all but over. I agonized about the right moment to make the break. Finally, I phoned her up in the greenroom on a day when I didn't have much work to do. I said I would always love her but that I couldn't be her boyfriend anymore. We were both incredibly sad, of course, but also relieved. There's a definite loss, which I carry with me, and yet I feel freer than I have in ages. Not being in a hurry to go through that whole roller-coaster again, I've not been able to let myself get close to another woman. And so, consequently, because I was faithful to her the whole time and still find myself adjusting to being single again, I haven't got my dick wet since the England trip. Is it that I'm slightly afraid of intimacy now? Yeah, probably.

Why do I spill all this to you now? Well, I suppose it's a cautionary tale. We both had lots of growing up to do, both together and apart, when we first hooked up. We weren't sure what we wanted out of life before we made a major commitment to share it with each other, and I think that was a mistake. If I had to do it again I wouldn't have let myself get so involved with someone without both of us being sure we had the same goals in mind. I knew for a long time that she loved England and wanted to move there someday, way before it became a firm plan, and until we broke up I couldn't face the fact that I was never really prepared to make the necessary amount of sacrifices in what I wanted in order to satisfy what she wanted. In that kind of scenario, if you've already spent enough time with that person to the point where they are indelibly part of your life for good, you will be grieving when it ends. Even if it ends relatively happily with no hard feelings and an amicable parting-of-ways. It still leaves a deep scar. I'm not comparing this to a broken marriage or anything like that, but I can now understand some of the heartbreak that must come with those situations.

Okay, I need some sleep now.

[slave2thewage]

I'm drunk, so I only read half of that, but that is some depressing shit dude.

I left a link to Immigrant Song on my old flame's Facebook. My life, my choices...

[MAD]

I've been with the same girl for 5 years. I'm 22 and no, I haven't missed anything.

[mostlymad]

A long, difficult road of divorce, counseling, trying to patch things up with the ex, and about a year since it has been more than clear that me and the ex are no longer capable of any relationship at all. I don't miss anything about it anymore.

I have met someone for the first time since 2009 that really stirs something great in me. 2 dates in, and I'm feeling that chemically beautiful newness already. I could really do with a healthy relationship finally.

[Pillfred]

Girl I ended up sleeping (no sex) with last week ended up getting ahold of me last night and we wen't out for a drink and hung out at my place for a few hours chatting last night. Was nice to get a chance to talk to her when we both weren't hammered. Was kind of awkward being as we slept together the one night at my buddies place right after we just met. Wasn't sure how to go about things but she seems like a cool chick, didn't even mind hanging out in my sparsely furnished and very much unpacked apt. Not that I'm looking to get super involved atm but it was nice to chill.

[Lunatica]

Thank you! I actually proposed last Christmas but we gave ourselves a year and a half to plan/save $$$ and I highly recommend doing that for anybody. Holyyyyyy shit does the cost add up. Food for 100 people at $5800 alone? We're doing our best, with honeymoon included, to keep it under $30,000 and my goal is to be no more than $5,000 in debt once it's done.


Arrrgg! Best wedding I've ever been to only cost about 400$ it was a brunch and it lasted like, 2 hours. Best. Wedding. Ever.

Then again I hate weddings and it doesn't really matter if it's a "different" wedding (like my sister had) I'm still going to hate it, I'm sorry. Me and my bf's heart are set on going to the judge. But if a ceremony is demanded on us I'm seriously going with the brunch thing.

[Fixer808]

Things are looking up for ol' Liz Lemon.

[halloween]

Botley! That is quite a story but i'm glad things ended up working out for the best, despite how painful it was. Do you keep contact still with her at all? Or was it a complete break?

[Dra508]

Things are looking up for ol' Liz Lemon.heh heh, I thought you were talking about me. I need to get that avatar back. But, yeah - UP and DOWN relative to this thread.

[slave2thewage]

Liz is so my life model right now.

[Torgo]

I'm going to sound like a spoiled cunt, but my boyfriend got me a Kindle Fire for Christmas, and to be honest - I don't think I can stand the layout and how limited it is. I'm either going to completely root it with a separate launcher or tell him it's not worth spending so much money on me. I feel sort of bad... but I'm super anal when it comes to technology and customizing things for personal use. Plus, if I'm not going to enjoy it, I don't want it to be money that he wasted. Does this sound reasonable to bring up to him or am I an utterly over-pampered prick?

[theruiner]

I think it's perfectly reasonable. I got into a huge fight with an ex years ago over this exact thing. The way I see it, you've either got two choices- keep it and lie to him and pretend you like it when you really don't (in which case he wasted two hundred bucks) or just be honest with him and nicely tell him you appreciate the thought but it's really not your thing. I'd much rather someone be honest with me and let me know they don't dig what I got them than have them lie to my face and pretend they like it to spare my feelings. My take on it is, hey, if you don't like it, by all means get something else instead. If I'm buying a present for someone it's because I want them to enjoy it. If I goofed and got the wrong thing, I'd rather they go back and get something they like. That's the entire point of giving them a gift.

Not sure if it'll work out, but that's my take on it.

[Lunatica]

Secretly I would kill for an iPad right now so I understand your pain. It's really the only thing out there that's really good to read with because of the no glaring and the page turning not blinking and ruining my eyes. And of course you have the option to yarrr books.

I have my priorities straight though. And at least he's finally moving out of his parents house. And we are buying house stuff... and planing on a nice trip. *sigh*

I want an iPad, dammit!

[botley]

Botley! That is quite a story but i'm glad things ended up working out for the best, despite how painful it was. Do you keep contact still with her at all? Or was it a complete break?
We are still friends, and keep in touch via text; occasionally we'll video chat as as well. It feels much nicer having that level of contact with a friend you're happy to hear from, rather than with a significant other whom you feel obligated to keep tabs on. That can feel very restrictive and even breed resentment when it doesn't live up to the kind of contact you want to be having with them. I found that part of the long-distance relationship to be its most sucky and frustrating aspect, even more so than the lack of actual sex (which is clearly something I eventually adjusted to).

She's coming back to visit over Christmas for the first time since departing Canada last year. I'm going to see if she'll want to hang out for an afternoon and maybe catch Dragon Tattoo in the big digital theatre downtown. Last movie went to see together as a date was The Social Network in Kings Cross, and our first date was after a NIN show in 2005!

[allegro]

I've been married for over four years. The Husband and I have been together for about 13 years now.
15 years, here, and not married but shacking up.

We're talking about getting married in March 2012 (our 16th anniverary). On SKIS.

edit: Here's when we met (http://janesaddiction.org/tour/show/red-hot-chili-peppers/1996-03-06/1225). He was sitting next to me. We started shooting the shit about Led Zeppelin and having seen Page & Plant at the United Center. He said he thought, "I'm gonna marry that girl." The rest is history. His friend Harry, who was there, said "Yeah, you guys never shut up."

[botley]

I actually blew allegro off to go on that first date, haha! Do you remember me calling you from the bar?

15 years, here, and not married but shacking up.

We're talking about getting married in March 2012 (our 16th anniverary). On SKIS.
Whoa, that's wild! What made you change your tune on getting hitched?

[allegro]

Health Insurance.

Welcome to America.

[botley]

Health Insurance.

Welcome to America.
Heheh. Marriage, the oldest and greatest going-out-of-business sale.

[allegro]

I actually blew allegro off to go on that first date, haha! Do you remember me calling you from the bar?
What???? Seriously? Was I in Toronto with VeraLynn?

Edit: Wait, I seem to remember a phone call at a bar in Montreal! (With VeraLynn)

[botley]

Yup. At first I'd arranged to go with someone else, and had every intention of meeting up with you two after. Then my other friend cancelled, so I asked her if she wanted to go after our Zoology midterm (which I aced). We had dinner and went down to the Air Canada Centre together on the subway. She got a little roughed up in the pit and did the whole wounded bird routine, it brought out my protective side. One thing led to another, and well...

[allegro]

Haha, that was in 2005!

[botley]

Haha, that was in 2005!
So I fucked up and wrote four-and-a-half year relationship in my OP but it's actually closer to six years.

[allegro]

Yup! http://www.last.fm/event/126567+Nine+Inch+Nails+at+Air+Canada+Centre+on+10+ November+2005

[botley]

Yeah, that's the one... did you two drive to Montreal the same night? We went straight to Ein•stein on College Street, and that's probably where I called you when it became clear things were happening.

[allegro]

Nope, next morning, with Monkey Pharmacy, a very nice gentleman who entertained me with stories the entire trip, and he got out to pump gas. VeraLynn slept because she gets car sick. (She and I still text each other, btw, she's doing great.)

[botley]

Nope, next morning, with Monkey Pharmacy, a very nice gentleman who entertained me with stories the entire trip, and he got out to pump gas. VeraLynn slept because she gets car sick. (She and I still text each other, btw, she's doing great.)
That's cool. I remember hearing about that guy at the time... NIN tours bring people together, it's a wonderful thing.

[allegro]

I met the most AWESOME people at that Toronto show, sitting next to me, including a hippy dude who named his kid after Ron Asheton of the Stooges, so many cool people I almost moved to Canada. :-) Oh, and the Montreal people were so AWESOME, too, SO nice, all over the city.

Anyway, yeah, sorry that relationship didn't work out, dude, but at least you have some funny memories. :-)

edit: Lunatica, you should demand that he buy you an iPad. You're worth it.

[botley]

Indeed. I remember most of it very fondly! If the OP is depressing, that's only because it all came to a very sad ending and I had to explain why, but I'm certainly more inclined to dwell on the great times we had together than anything else... I guess in a way it boils down to me choosing to stay in Canada over being with her. Canada just is that awesome.

[allegro]

Things happen for a reason, dude. Not to be too Buddhist about the whole thing, but sometimes people are in our "path" who aren't supposed to be the final destination.

[botley]

I can dig it, Sensei. Not interested much in "destinations"/destiny in general at this point, just waiting for the next fish to bite.

[slave2thewage]

I'm giving my spare Rammstein ticket to the guy I was massively into last year. Oops.

[Christo]

I'm seeing someone at the moment.

[dominik]

I'm seeing someone at the moment.

Congrats! :)

I dated someone for a few weeks but then he suddenly decided that it won't work out. Fucking gays.

[Tea]

DISHES
Have you actually sat down and talked about the issue instead of making snarky remarks such as "I should take 20 minutes from doing my homework to do them so you don't have to take 20 minutes from playing a video game to do them? Seems fair..."?
I really enjoy cooking as well, and so I don't mind doing most of it. But you need to have the other side supportive of that. They don't want to do the dishes when it's fair? Then they don't deserve a fresh meal. Explain to him that even if the amount of house work is unfair at the moment due to your extra studying needs, you want his support, and you know that at some point he'll be in the same position with extra responsibilities. I know the situation, we currently live sans-dishwasher, dishes are The Ultimate Chore Of Doom if you're a from-scratch person.

[Lunatica]

edit: Lunatica, you should demand that he buy you an iPad. You're worth it.

Oh he would get it for me, that's the problem! He loves spending money on me! but yeah, there's all sorts of priorities right now, I don't think we can afford it just yet. But, yeah, if it was up to him he'd gotten me one already.

I know that's weird behavior coming from a woman but trust me, it's good to have long term goals, I thrive on it. We are buying house stuff, moving and planing on a cruise ship to Alaska next year! It's gonna be awesome.

Honestly, right now I'm just bored because I'm not really doing anything. An iPad would only fill the void momentarily.

[millionmilesaway]

I had been with the same guy for eight years, since my freshman year of high school. He was my best friend and we both helped each other through some really tough times. I am heartbroken to see it end but the relationship had been going downhill for a while and took a complete nosedive over the last year. The worst part is that I feel like it was all my fault that it did fail. I was overly stressed with finishing school and working two jobs, and being very sick at the same time. I had zero energy to put towards him but I still tried my best to try and turn things around, I wanted to make things work and if he had asked me to marry him I would have said yes, but instead he asked me to move out.

And then his colors changed, he became the most bitter asshole to me he could be. Not once in those past eight years had he ever been mean or fought with me. All of a sudden I owed him money for this and money for that, he wanted back things he had given me and guilt me into feeling like I owed him something for all the past things he had helped me with. The most caring person I had once loved almost overnight turned into a materialistic money driven perfectionist that made it absolutely clear that I was never going to be perfect enough for him.

Strangely I'm kind of glad that it did end that way though, it helped me to know that the person I loved wasn't there any more and it was ok to leave because he wasn't coming back. it was a clean break and things have been really turning up for me since then. Its been just over three months and I have started looking towards grad school, got a full time position so I could quit my miserable second job and now have health insurance so I can take my medicine and stop being deathly ill. And since I have no clue how to be single, I have started a new relationship with a really awesome guy who has so far made me feel amazing in every way.

I met up my ex last night and we ended up talking for hours, just like we used to. it seemed like I was talking to the old him and that nothing had changed between us. It made me realize that I still do love him a lot and I just wish that he would let me know if he feels the same. Now I just feel terrible all around, now that things are seemingly becoming better between me and the ex I am starting to not be so ok with the fact that its over. And I don't know if I rushed into things with this new guy just so I could feel loved again, I would hate to have him start having feelings for me in a way that now I'm not yet ready to share back. sorry for my run on post but I needed to vent my feelings to the online world for the off chance that someone will tell me that I'm not wrong in feeling this way.

[mostlymad]

What is this "taking things slow" I've gotten myself into now? I definitely have been out of the dating world one hell of a long time for this gender-role reversal. Since when did a boy ever go slow? Did I miss something these last 14 years of either being married or hooking up with old friends? I'm going slowly because I really think he's very special, but if it were up to me, I'd speed it up just a little. Very strange.

[lady weetly]

My ex broke up with me two months ago like an emotionless prick. We were together for almost two years. What he did was he ignored me for two weeks and then sent a long string texts at 2am and pretty much got rid of me everywhere online right after he sent them. After everything we've been through I still can't believe how he did that. I (and others) pretty much had to make him meet me in person and talk, but that lasted about five minutes before he "had to go". He's been under a lot of stress with college and work. He did this before though in January but did it in person, but came back 10 minutes later begging to forgive him. I have no idea if I should have then, because it wasn't the same after that since he would never want to talk about it or ignore it ever happened. Keep in mind we rarely fought and got along amazingly until I was the only one making effort. Right now he's acting like a completely different person and even our mutual friends agree. It's just so strange and not like him at all. He wants to be friends, but I don't see how that will happen since he's pretty much erased me from his life. I didn't handle it well at first, but I'm starting to move on and I'm a lot better now thanks to my friends.

[Hula]

Dish shit

Seriously, dude—you need to nip this in the bud. I've had a lot of friends with boyfriends who seem to think that gaming takes precedence (and I know one couple in particular where I could easily envisage this exact same scenario going down) and as a gamer and someone who's lazy but still manages to get my fair share of the chores done, I have to say it's not cool. I don't know how that conversation should pan out, but maybe next time something like this happens (when you're legitimately busy and he's slacking off playing a game that doesn't take all that much effort to pause) you should calmly inform him that you're busy doing coursework and you're on a bit of a roll. Maybe it was an innocent case of him not actually realising you were busy in which case you'll avoid that problem by letting him know you ARE busy. If not, and if he was being selfish, well... You'll be pointing that fact out to him, too.

As for my relationship woes... I've had two perfectly good friendships spoiled because the guy thought it'd be a good idea to take things to the next level. There are a number of reasons that's not going to happen (#1 being that I'm not interested) and yet it seems like it just keeps on happening. Is it possible for two people to just be friends any more these days? It's not like I'm putting out DATE ME signals or anything; does the fact that I seem willing to hang out doing the exact sort of things friends do make it seem like I'm looking for something more? Maybe I should just stick to socialising in a group...

[icklekitty]

When I was a teenager I would constantly fall in love with my best friend. Then there'd always be a messy break-up and I'd lose two people. Somehow I've managed to quickly put all my male friends into the category of "big brother" so it doesn't happen anymore.

I have a first date with someone tonight. We have a few things in common but I'm not really attracted to him. Whatever, beats sitting around at home when there's no Eastenders to look forward to.

[mostlymad]

As for my relationship woes... I've had two perfectly good friendships spoiled because the guy thought it'd be a good idea to take things to the next level. There are a number of reasons that's not going to happen (#1 being that I'm not interested) and yet it seems like it just keeps on happening. Is it possible for two people to just be friends any more these days? It's not like I'm putting out DATE ME signals or anything; does the fact that I seem willing to hang out doing the exact sort of things friends do make it seem like I'm looking for something more? Maybe I should just stick to socialising in a group...

If it were me, and I were single and a bit attracted, I'd probably mistake hanging out alone as a sign that you were interested in more. It can be a bit ebarrassing to realize it wasn't an invitation to more. It probably would be a safer bet to hang out with a couple people at the same time, if you don't want to go to a romantic relationship. In my opinion.

[Hula]

Well, that sucks. Especially since I'm incredibly awkward in group situations! Thanks for your input, though. At least I know it's not as if I'm inadvertently throwing myself at these guys without realising it.

[botley]

I had been with the same guy for eight years, since my freshman year of high school. He was my best friend and we both helped each other through some really tough times. I am heartbroken to see it end but the relationship had been going downhill [...] I have started a new relationship with a really awesome guy who has so far made me feel amazing in every way.

I met up my ex last night and we ended up talking for hours, just like we used to. it seemed like I was talking to the old him and that nothing had changed between us. It made me realize that I still do love him a lot and I just wish that he would let me know if he feels the same. Now I just feel terrible all around, now that things are seemingly becoming better between me and the ex I am starting to not be so ok with the fact that its over. And I don't know if I rushed into things with this new guy just so I could feel loved again, I would hate to have him start having feelings for me in a way that now I'm not yet ready to share back. sorry for my run on post but I needed to vent my feelings to the online world for the off chance that someone will tell me that I'm not wrong in feeling this way.
Your feelings aren't wrong. They can be based in faulty assumptions but they can't be right or wrong; they're just how you feel. But until you talk more to both guys about what's going on, there can't be any informed course of action. You seem to feel comfortable enough to talk about all this on an online forum where anyone can see it, so I'd recommend broaching the subject of your ex to this new guy. No need to jump right in with "I still might have feelings for him" as that could be misconstrued — but if you explain some of the background, how you spent those eight years with him etc., that might be a good thing to have out in the open. Then no matter what happens, he'll be informed, and if he's as amazing as you think and understanding about it all, then you can move forward from there.

[halloween]

... It feels much nicer having that level of contact with a friend you're happy to hear from, rather than with a significant other whom you feel obligated to keep tabs on. That can feel very restrictive and even breed resentment when it doesn't live up to the kind of contact you want to be having with them. I found that part of the long-distance relationship to be its most sucky and frustrating aspect, even more so than the lack of actual sex (which is clearly something I eventually adjusted to)...

Ugh no kidding, i had a long distance (3 year) relationship and this was probably what ultimately caused the demise of our relationship. We still talk every so often and it's still pretty relaxed and nice.

Contact with a recent sort-of-but-not-technically-but-still-kinda ex has been less graceful...unfortunately. Things ended on a good note and i wanted to stay friends, but he didn't so i backed off and today he contacted me and we talked. And it was..frustrating having to explain myself. Did not end on such a good note... We were never official and the fact that he demanded more of an explanation than my 3 year ex did...well i don't know, let's just say i guess it was a good idea i ended things when i did.

[con4cyn]

Basically, I'm in "fuck it" mode. I suck at relationships. I fuck them all up and down, and leave the money on the dresser when I'm done. I'm focusing on school dammit. Even if I'm horny. Hmph!

[scotty79]

looks like my 6 year relationship is coming to an end, totally fucked off about it but at the same time the only person i really feel bad for is our 5 year old daughter

[westost]

Probably breaking up tonight. Been thinking about it for a while and I'm not going to get a better chance in some time. I'm super nervous and scared shitless.

We've been together for about a year, and it's basically my first serious relationship.

[elesaurus]

I've banned myself for dating. I've come to the conclusion that I'm really bad at it. Especially since my last two exes said I'm a horrible person and I ruined their lives. I didn't think I was that bad, but I guess I am. But to be completely honest, I like being single. I tend to get caught up in a relationship and ignore those around me, or my significant other doesn't like one of my friends or something along those lines. Since I haven't been dating I've repaired friendships and made more meaningful relationships.

I do get lonely, but I have great friends and those feelings don't last very long.

[westost]

Man, that sucks. Best of luck and I hope it all goes painlessly.

Thanks :)

Anyway, I did it. It was fucking awful, but not worse than I was expecting.

We met about a year ago at a meet-up for new members of the political party I'm active in, and while I didn't fall madly in love, I really liked her and we were both interested. So why not give it a go? It was less serious at first, because she was going away to Amsterdam for six months and none of us felt like trying a long distance-thing. But as the date for her departure came closer, the more we realized that we wanted to stay together. So we tried long distance after all, and it wasn't easy, but the relationship survived and I was really happy to see her back in my apartement six months later. However, a new side of her had started to appear during our skype-conversations and really started to take ahold of more and more of her personality when she came home: She would, without warning, break down and be really sad, wallow in self-loathing, then start yelling me out, for fucking hours, about stuff that I said or did that I had no idea she found offensive in the first place. That shit drained me of energy every time. I thought maybe that was just a phase, that she was just having a rough stretch with a job that she hated. But as the months drew on I slowly realized that the period before her emotional outbursts was the actual phase: this was just a part of her personality. I adressed the problem, we tried to work on it, but essentially nothing changed. There was no real balance to our relationship anymore, it was either great or horrible, and as I grew more detatched she would find more stuff that I probably acctually deserved to be yelled out about. I started to get confused about whether she was emotionally unbalanced or if I was just being an asshole who deservedly got yelled out by her every now and again. It just sort of went downhill from there, until I realized how tired this relationship was making me, how it affected my studies, my friendships, etc. I concluded, that for whatever reason, either me being a horrible boyfriend or her being a psycho, we probably weren't right for each other, and when our fights started to damage my feelings for her, I realized I had to break up.

[reznovka]

5 years, 1 girl...and I can´t imagine it any better.
She also accepts my NINaddiction.

[allegro]

Westost, ugh wow, you made a really good decision. Good thing you had the courage to not let it go on for a lot LONGER.

[andreas]

i was in a relationship with a married person. at the beginning i was lied to, and made believe there was no functioning marriage, but spouses in separation (which was quite easy since we lived in two different cities and i had no real means [nor did it come to my naive mind] to check it up) - it lasted for 6 mths. when i started noticing something's wrong and asking questions, i was thrown away like trash. and only then did i realise i had fallen completely in love. after 3 months the person came back, apologized, asked for patience and time needed to raise their children, before the marriage is ended. i still can't believe i agreed to that...
and then started 2 yrs of total chaos, jealousy, anger, humiliation (on my part, of course), breaking up and coming back together...
it's eaten my psyhical strength, my physical health, my self esteem, and needles to say, ended up in me being hated and thrown into the trash bin, again.
the family is all nice and dandy, the cheater most probably has found another object of interest.
and i despise myself and cannot look in the mirror anymore...

[westost]

Andreas, shit, that's crazy. I hope it gets better soon and that you can have the strength to let that person go, and take back your life.


Westost, ugh wow, you made a really good decision. Good thing you had the courage to not let it go on for a lot LONGER.

Yeah, thanks. It took a lot of discussions with good friends, soul searching and hard thinking to be able to end it. I can't imagine how many people there must be who stay in destructive relationships for years, or decades, because it's just so hard to walk away from someone you care about, no matter how much they're hurting you. Ah well, it's gonna be good to be single for a while.

[sentient02970]

Wife is needing "space" right now. We have talked and I know it's not about me this time. She's in the guest bedroom downstairs. We talk, commute to work together, celebrate and go out together, share friends and socialize. But it's so very different to me. Despite the hurt, the anxiety and lack of sleep...I think I can hold on, give her that space and still work on enjoying my life as is. She's important to me but it doesn't mean I get to forget me.

[andreas]

Andreas, shit, that's crazy. I hope it gets better soon and that you can have the strength to let that person go, and take back your life.

thanks a lot. i'm trying to figure out where to start. i guess first i should deal with the self-loathing thing but this scares the shit out of me 'cause it means plenty of soul-searching and i fear it'll drag me into very dark places that i'd rather forget exist

i have a friend who's strongly involved with the radical self-forgiveness program but i so don't buy stuff like that. i'm gonna have to find that person i was before on my own. i've gained one piece of wisdom out of this mess: i've learned to be more humble. but it was so much easier to be manicheic...

[Christo]

We're both trying this whole forcing ourselves to spend time apart from each other every now and then. Neither of us are particularly good at it. I'm naturally quite a paranoid person (one of the main reasons I gave up drinking for 10 months) so every time we're not together I start to freak out about things completely ridiculous. I know they are ridiculous and obviously I don't raise any issues with him, especially as when we are together everything is perfectly fine and great. I really hate having clinical paranoia at times.

[Tea]

We're both trying this whole forcing ourselves to spend time apart from each other every now and then. Neither of us are particularly good at it. I'm naturally quite a paranoid person (one of the main reasons I gave up drinking for 10 months) so every time we're not together I start to freak out about things completely ridiculous. I know they are ridiculous and obviously I don't raise any issues with him, especially as when we are together everything is perfectly fine and great. I really hate having clinical paranoia at times.
It is honestly SO WEIRD hearing you talk about being a relationship like this; but I'm really happy for you!

[iamanexit]

In a relationship.
He's really great and loves me a lot.
I love him too, don't get me wrong. 2 years, now!

I dunno, I guess I kinda hate/suck at relationships.
I get bored easily. Become interested in someone else too easily.
I always tend to hurt the one I love, which is kind of shit, because they're always great and never deserve it.
Well... usually never. In this case, never.

I even, sometimes, get a bit of a thrill to be unkind/unfaithful.

Buh.
And I'm always stuck in a situation where it's not really a good idea for me to leave.
I just can't afford to live on my own. I supported him when he needed it, and now I need it and he supports me.
And All I can think about is how badly I want to leave.

I'm a terrible person.
If there were a Hell, I'd already have woven my hand basket.

[Christo]

It is honestly SO WEIRD hearing you talk about being a relationship like this; but I'm really happy for you!
But whoooooooo is this? I hate all the new username anonymity.

[icklekitty]

We're both trying this whole forcing ourselves to spend time apart from each other every now and then. Neither of us are particularly good at it. I'm naturally quite a paranoid person (one of the main reasons I gave up drinking for 10 months) so every time we're not together I start to freak out about things completely ridiculous. I know they are ridiculous and obviously I don't raise any issues with him, especially as when we are together everything is perfectly fine and great. I really hate having clinical paranoia at times.

See everyone, I told you he was just as messed up as the rest of us.

It's good that you're not telling him if it's completely unfounded - and the spending time apart thing is presumably working up to your next middle-of-nowhere adventure?


I have a question for the guys and the ladies here...

a lot of times when I am talking to an attractive female, they will pretty quickly make it known that they have a boyfriend, by way of comments like "well, when me and my boyfriend go to..." or "my boyfriend told me the same thing..."

is this supposed to be some kind of warning to me? Like "I'm not available so don't get any bright ideas"? Is it supposed to be some kind of jealousy thing? Or does it mean nothing at all

I think it's the better alternative to letting him talk to her for ages, thinking possibly that she's interested in him, only for her to tell him half an hour later that she's attached. Many guys have this "conveyor belt" approach to talking to women, so maybe you're getting caught in the crossfire of that. If I were attached that's definitely how I'd go about it. Then if you still want to talk, that's cool, but I'm not leading you down a dead end.

[iamanexit]

I think it's the better alternative to letting him talk to her for ages, thinking possibly that she's interested in him, only for her to tell him half an hour later that she's attached. Many guys have this "conveyor belt" approach to talking to women, so maybe you're getting caught in the crossfire of that. If I were attached that's definitely how I'd go about it. Then if you still want to talk, that's cool, but I'm not leading you down a dead end.

I mostly agree.
Also, if I am in a relationship long enough that my boy/girlfriend is just that person who I share just about everything with, I will happen to bring them up because it's just that natural to do so. I guess it could go both ways.

[pequena]

I have a question for the guys and the ladies here...

a lot of times when I am talking to an attractive female, they will pretty quickly make it known that they have a boyfriend, by way of comments like "well, when me and my boyfriend go to..." or "my boyfriend told me the same thing..."

is this supposed to be some kind of warning to me? Like "I'm not available so don't get any bright ideas"? Is it supposed to be some kind of jealousy thing? Or does it mean nothing at all
I absolutely do this! And that is certainly what I mean when I bring up instances of "herp...my boyfriend and I...derp". Also, when I was single and talking to dudes who SEEMED like they were flirty that I wasn't digging, I would somehow work in how I wasn't looking and drop the "friendzone" into the conversation a few times.

[Elke]

and i despise myself and cannot look in the mirror anymore...

You can't do that to yourself. You were commited to this relationship, you were commited to this person, you were willing to put yourself on hold for them... these things show the best of you. It's nothing to be ashamed of, on the contrary. I can't imagine what it must feel like to know someone took so little care of you, but that doesn't reflect on you.
We don't choose who we end up in love with. I would like to say that I would never date someone who was already taken, but there's someone in my life that I'd gladly eat glass for, so helping her cheat on whatever significant other she'd have would be easy, even with all my moral standards in place. It's how we human beings tick: we know right from wrong, but passion usually gets the better of us, and love especially. And it makes us a little blind and a lot stupid, too. Again, this is nothing to be ashamed of.
Be angry, be upset, be sad... and then try to leave it behind you.

[lady weetly]

I already posted about the shitty long-term break up I got out of two months ago, but something weird has come up. A mutual friend of my ex and I started talking to me on facebook completely out of the blue. I didn't think it was weird because a lot of our mutual friends have been supportive for me after the break up. So he starts texting me a lot and I'm not the best with texting back on time so it was a little odd. Then he wants to hang out this upcoming weekend and watch a movie and cuddle. I didn't say anything back because according to facebook he has a girlfriend. I've known him for a while, but this is just strange. I'm not going to do anything with him, but I need to ask what he means by that and if he does have a girlfriend. But most of all I know I'm not okay to start dating again. I still am not even close to being over of my ex and still want to be with him (not going to happen). So I'm just kinda uncomfortable because he's a friend and this whole thing is just so weird and confusing. I've been cheated on in the past so hell no I'm not going to do anything.

[Hula]

I wouldn't ask if he has a girlfriend if I were you, but it can't hurt to try to clarify what he meant by the offer. I'm hardly a relationship expert (el oh el) but it feels like you should try to make it clear to him first and foremost that you're not looking for something new; that seems more important than figuring out his motives.

[lady weetly]

I wouldn't ask if he has a girlfriend if I were you, but it can't hurt to try to clarify what he meant by the offer. I'm hardly a relationship expert (el oh el) but it feels like you should try to make it clear to him first and foremost that you're not looking for something new; that seems more important than figuring out his motives.
That's true! Thank you, that makes a lot of sense so I'll tell him that before he thinks otherwise. It's just so odd I didn't think of doing that first. Every time he flirts I just ignore the text, but he seems pretty determined or just not getting it. Awkward social situations. :/

[AgentofChaos]

As for my relationship woes... I've had two perfectly good friendships spoiled because the guy thought it'd be a good idea to take things to the next level. There are a number of reasons that's not going to happen (#1 being that I'm not interested) and yet it seems like it just keeps on happening. Is it possible for two people to just be friends any more these days? It's not like I'm putting out DATE ME signals or anything; does the fact that I seem willing to hang out doing the exact sort of things friends do make it seem like I'm looking for something more? Maybe I should just stick to socialising in a group...


In short... NO.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T_lh5fR4DMA

[mostlymad]

I simply don't get boys. I can't even call a majority of the ones I know "men."

It seemed this guy I met was really excited to spend time with me. I liked him immediately, which doesn't really happen to me, much. Then something genuinely bad happened in his life. He didn't completely flake out on me, so I still had hope, but over the course of this week, it's like we never really met. And he bailed out of a date tonight with a vague suggestion he'd call sometime later in the week.

I'm crushed, since I haven't let myself like anyone since 2008. I feel really stupid for even bothering to try to date. Dating is stupid.

I'm crying over a fucking boy. This whole thing is stupid.

[Warped_Savant]

...In university (in England) I had equal male/female friends. The guys knew I had a boyfriend, several of them had girlfriends, and none were the type to try an affair...
The video doesn't ask if the guys are in a relationship or not, they only ask if there was a chance would the guy hook up with the girl. "If there was a chance" could easily mean "If you two were both single".

But that being said, even if I was single, there are a few female friends that I have that I wouldn't want to jump in bed with.

[Tea]

The video doesn't ask if the guys are in a relationship or not, they only ask if there was a chance would the guy hook up with the girl. "If there was a chance" could easily mean "If you two were both single".

But that being said, even if I was single, there are a few female friends that I have that I wouldn't want to jump in bed with.
I'm not saying the video was at all referencing to affairs; I was simply stating that I am fairly certain the men I was friends with were not there for the chance of hooking up, whatever their situation was.

And I was trying to tease ickle. My goodness. Next time I'll add a winking face.

[halloween]

Yeah, i really disagree with that video.

[icklekitty]

I'm not saying the video was at all referencing to affairs; I was simply stating that I am fairly certain the men I was friends with were not there for the chance of hooking up, whatever their situation was.

And I was trying to tease ickle. My goodness. Next time I'll add a winking face.


What the fuck are you my goodnessing about? Did I explode with rage?

[Tea]

What the fuck are you my goodnessing about? Did I explode with rage?
I wasn't implying anyone was angry.

[icklekitty]

I wasn't implying anyone was angry.

So the answer to my first question would be....

[Tea]

So the answer to my first question would be....
Serious replies to me teasing. Again, no anger. If you want to pick at it some more, feel free, but I'm not going to put anymore pointless posts in here.

[JessicaSarahS]

In short... NO.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T_lh5fR4DMA

I think they should rename it "Why attractive men and attractive women can't be friends."

[sentient02970]

Coming to terms with the fact that my 10 year marriage has finally fizzled away after a few sparks and stalls this past year. I honestly tried with everything I had but she changed to the point of no return. The last conversation was her pleading for peace from my pain over it with "please just let me go". I sadly waved the white flag. We've found space in the same home for now but it just feels so different, so foreign. Just another transition in this life of transitions I guess.

[cashpiles (closed)]

That video is great.

The dance of seduction is the biggest mystery on planet Earth. Icklekitty is right that when a man displays too much with all this affection and attention seeking, it just doesn't work (at least in my past experiences). The only way to salvage this power imbalance is to back off. Either a friendship of equal respect can develop, or if she really likes you, she will start giving signs of affection and attention seeking. This actually only happened once to me and it took 5 excruciating months of manning up. Anyways, when you're not sure if a woman likes you, for a man, it's best to develop a solid foundation of friendship and not give any romantic affection or attention seeking (this can be interpreted as a sign of weakness and is apparently not desirable).

[allegro]

Coming to terms with the fact that my 10 year marriage has finally fizzled away after a few sparks and stalls this past year. I honestly tried with everything I had but she changed to the point of no return. The last conversation was her pleading for peace from my pain over it with "please just let me go". I sadly waved the white flag. We've found space in the same home for now but it just feels so different, so foreign. Just another transition in this life of transitions I guess.
You're handling it like a mature adult, which is highly commendable. Seriously.

[ubermensch]

Considering ending my relationship. I went through a lot of bullshit with an ex over a year ago and I think im experiencing after effects. Im paranoid bad news is around the corner, I get too angry over others talking to her, and i just dont think im ready. Sucks.

[Dra508]

Coming to terms with the fact that my 10 year marriage has finally fizzled away after a few sparks and stalls this past year. I honestly tried with everything I had but she changed to the point of no return. The last conversation was her pleading for peace from my pain over it with "please just let me go". I sadly waved the white flag. We've found space in the same home for now but it just feels so different, so foreign. Just another transition in this life of transitions I guess.Let's make a club. I'm on the other side of your fence though - I was the one done and have only recently figured out why.

[sentient02970]

Ah ok. Not to necessarily ask you to open the details on an open BB forum, what were the conditions under which you figured things out? My wife for the past month has requested space to "figure it out". It took me a lot of hand wringing to allow that but I bit my lip and did that. I don't think she yet has her answer but she is feeling like she needs to continue down the road without making rash decisions. I don't get it but am getting snippets of clues in her thought process (we still talk about this stuff fairly well) to lead me to what might be happening with her. I do know, at the foundations of it, I cannot fix this. But the best advice I've had so far on it: I can however, make it worse. That is not what I want nor intend to do.

[allegro]

Sometimes we just fall out of love. Sometimes we grow and look over at our partner and think, "why the hell am I here?" Sometimes the little things we used to ignore become total deal-breakers. Sometimes we just feel unfulfilled or unhappy and know the relationship is the biggest cause. Could be a million reasons, everybody's different. Sometimes it works out, sometimes we leave (as with me and Dra; I'm divorced, she's on her way to divorce. In my case, I was married to Satan so it wasn't hard to figure out.)

[Dra508]

Sometimes we just fall out of love. Sometimes we grow and look over at our partner and think, "why the hell am I here?" Sometimes the little things we used to ignore become total deal-breakers. Sometimes we just feel unfulfilled or unhappy and know the relationship is the biggest cause. Could be a million reasons, everybody's different. Sometimes it works out, sometimes we leave (as with me and Dra; I'm divorced, she's on her way to divorce. In my case, I was married to Satan so it wasn't hard to figure out.)Right. I just knew I was generally unhappy - is this it? He's a great guy, generous, devoted yada yada. What I'm figuring out (yes - nothing like a little therapy to guide your thoughts) is that I don't trust him. Not in the traditional, you're going to cheat on me sort of way (that's not his issue), but I have lost trust in him being the masculine partner in the relationship. He deferred so much decision making to me, rather then owning his own. Of course, he thinks I've just left him period and is going through all those emotions - mad, sad, angry, confused and I'd love to explain, but I'm told that that would only serve to make me feel better about the demise and not actually help him at all. So, it's a process. I am currently in the no-regret stage, if there is a stage called that.

[sentient02970]

Thanks, both of you. Helps me to understand this process from the other side of the coin.

[aurelius]

Today marks one month for me and my boyfriend. Although one month is so short, it feels much longer in the best way. I've never felt happier, safer, or more content. I just love being around him, no matter what we're doing. I hope this is the beginning of a long, amazing relationship. It certainly feels special.

[mostlymad]

I'm done with this dating stuff. If a miracle happens, and someone actually likes me for more than three days, 1 1/2 dates, then fine, if not, oh well. I'm just done with the rejection stress. I need time away from anyone, male, female or other. The last few months have just been misery. I do everything asked of me, and ask for just a little in return, but end up getting nothing in return. What a waste of time. I have better things to do than wonder if things will work out with someone else, or not. Especially the guys I've been meeting for several months. They're all so weird, right now. And not in a good way.

[The Becoming]

So my ex girlfriend called me up last night crying hysterically. She said she wants me back and can't be happy without me. I care about her very much, but I'm seriously falling for this new girl. We have much more in common, she's nice, gorgeous, and the sex is 100x better. It's probably an obvious decision, but do I choose the love I know but don't feel anymore, or the love I feel but don't entirely know?

[Lunatica]

You're not going to make her happy. Nobody will. Move on.

[classicgirl]

On old ETS, I had talked about I guy I met at work over the summer & I had been wondering if he had feelings for me or what was up. He was in a relationship that didn't sound like it was going very well.

Fast-forward to now: Before I left the job, we established contact on Facebook, and after a few short days began texing. I was just glad we would be able to stay in touch once I was gone. Then, one night he was able to get me to admit that I thought he was attractive and he felt the same. Over the next little while, we texted a ridiculous amount, and he mentioned his relationship was a "weird situation" and he would explain it when we could talk. We kept texting, I stopped by to see him a few times after I was gone. Then, it comes out that he's very attracted to me to the point of it being almost unreal to me. I start to worry that he's just looking to hookup, and he said he isn't but that he wouldn't turn me down if I wanted to. We talk about things openly & honestly, so that's all good.

The next chapter is, I get the story on the relationship. She had moved in about a year before....but they basically live separate lives. They don't see each other much, she stays in a different room, sex has been very infrequent, at the time we talked about it, it had been three months...then four. There had been a fight at the end of Oct & it seemed like that was going to be the end.

Except it isn't. He admits he has strong feelings for me, but he's been 'trying to do the right thing and make things work'. We still talk, the potential is still there, we occasionally have a racy conversation and he admits to still thinking about me 'like that' all the time.

I'm so conflicted...I want to be angry and say either you want me or you don't, or you want her or you don't. I also want to keep my mouth shut and just give it a little time. I go back & forth on feeling sorry for myself & hating myself for letting myself get involved with someone in a relationship. It sounds pretty bad, but he really isn't an asshole, he's confused as well. I don't think he expected this with me at all.

I feel like that relationship is going to end no matter what, I don't know how it could ever go back to being great. It's prolonging the inevitable, and in the meantime, potentially losing out on an opportunity for something even better. I honestly don't know what to do. I don't know if I should break ties completely and let him work things out without having anything to do with me. Or do I hang in there and fight for the chance?

I appreciate your thoughts, experience, perspective, support, verbal abuse, etc. Just reading this page has been helpful in realizing that nothing is fucking easy, is it? One way or another it's a struggle.

...but do I choose the love I know but don't feel anymore, or the love I feel but don't entirely know? ~ this basically sums up my situation except I'm not the one who gets to decide.

[theimage13]

So.....

I've been with my girlfriend for about six months now. It started off slow, which I was fine with. And it's continued...well...extremely slowly (see also: "Fuck Me. No, seriously.") At first, I figured it was probably due to one or both of the following.
A) She lives with her parents (just graduated in May; only working sporadically as a substitute teacher until she finds a full time gig), and doing naughty things at my place is out due to various roommate issues. Or
B) She's still a virgin, and has only even really "fooled around" one or two times in previous relationships, and thus, may be shy and/or nervous.

But the more I think about it, the more I start to feel like neither of those are the issue. Lately, I've come to realize that she seems to show more affection for other things - ranging from the neighbor's cat to her coworkers' babies to gay fan art (think: drawings of Sherlock and Watson, etc). We're close - we cozy up for movies, we always kiss goodbye (and usually at hello), but there doesn't seem to be anything more than that. Given the above factors that would seemingly explain a lack of intimacy, do you think the whole "affection" analysis is a case of me being paranoid? Or does this sound like something that warrants a very blunt discussion? I've only ever been in one real relationship before this (and never went all the way with her, either), so I'm still pretty bad at reading these kinds of things.

[Dra508]

On old ETS, I had talked about I guy I met at work over the summer & I had been wondering if he had feelings for me or what was up. He was in a relationship that didn't sound like it was going very well.I'd avoid the messiness if I were you. He has to fish or cut bait with his room mate. You don't want to get in the middle of it and if you start having a "relationship" before he cuts ties he might not be motivated and stay status quo for the thrill of it. Where does that leave you.

I'm cynical. I'm sure he's a lovely guy, but unless you tell him you're not really interested in getting into something with him while he's winding down (or not) with his current gf, he might not do anything. Ball in your court girl.

[aggroculture]

So my ex girlfriend called me up last night crying hysterically. She said she wants me back and can't be happy without me. I care about her very much, but I'm seriously falling for this new girl. We have much more in common, she's nice, gorgeous, and the sex is 100x better. It's probably an obvious decision, but do I choose the love I know but don't feel anymore, or the love I feel but don't entirely know?

The new relationship.

[The Becoming]

Emotions can be the worst incurable disease at times. Thanks for the input guys. Out with the old and in with the new.

[Elke]

Or does this sound like something that warrants a very blunt discussion? I've only ever been in one real relationship before this (and never went all the way with her, either), so I'm still pretty bad at reading these kinds of things.

How about just a normal discussion? I mean, it's been a while for me, but as I remember it you're supposed to talk to eachother in a relationship about what you want, or need and what your partner wants, or needs. If you're not clear on what she's expecting, why not simply ask her?

Or you could just try to be a little more affectionate with her yourself: touch her a bit more often, initiate some good old making out even when it's not your usual moment for it and see how she reacts? She might think the same thing about you?

[theimage13]

How about just a normal discussion? I mean, it's been a while for me, but as I remember it you're supposed to talk to eachother in a relationship about what you want, or need and what your partner wants, or needs. If you're not clear on what she's expecting, why not simply ask her?

Or you could just try to be a little more affectionate with her yourself: touch her a bit more often, initiate some good old making out even when it's not your usual moment for it and see how she reacts? She might think the same thing about you?

We talked about it earlier in the relationship (when it seemed natural to have only done so much), and she was very short with her non-committal, shrug-it-off type of answers. I don't think I could be any more affectionate myself...and the making out part is right out (again, parents' house - she's unwilling to do anything there, since her parents walk in all the time to ask her things). Guess it's time for another talk.

[Christo]

I'm at that point where I feel like I should get out before I get hurt anymore. Urrgh, this is really difficult. Feeling absolutely miserable.

[Christo]

I feel like I know what you're going through. Just really not happy with my current situation and it's really making me feel like crap, I just dunno if I have the stamina for keeping with it and trying to work out the problems.
I had a really good chat with my friend Romy about things and feel much better stuff now. My relationship is a weird one, things have moved REALLY fast. I've been going out with him for a month now and he is already telling me he is in love with me. But because he wasn't really looking for a relationship, it kind of made of him hit this brick wall in his life. I think he wanted to sort a few things out with himself before he threw himself into someone again. His last relationship was really destructive and it kind of sent him into self implode mode. The last boyfriend he had he was engaged to, so I think he's having this real problem with being vulnerable again.

We have different ways of acting around friends, I'm genuinely a very sociable person, and while I have a small group of really really close friends, I also do have a lot of other friends as well. He is a bit different, he has 3 or 4 really close friends and then acquaintances. We went out the other night and suddenly about 15 of my friends turned up all together. I'm really open about stuff with my friends, so most of them knew that we were seeing each other and a bit about him before they met him for the first time. And I think hearing stuff like "I've heard a lot of good things about you from Christo...." etc. pushed him into this weird pressure mode and he kind of flipped and we ended up having this overly deep conversation. Which then made things with us really unclear and has ended up with us being in this weird mode where he needs things to slow down and have some space, but also can't deal with not talking to me. Which obviously puts me in this weird dilemma of having to actively control how much I interact with him. And also there is a 6 year age difference with us (which isn't much of a problem, but it's a factor at times).

One major problem is that in London, I'm essentially homeless at the moment. A massive commission I was meant to be on fucked up at the last minute, at the same time my lease expired. So I've been essentially living with him for almost the entire time of our relationship. Which obviously I hate doing, because it moves things way too fast, but the alternate is not seeing him for a long period of time, which I also don't want to do. I've had a really difficult month and today I realised I've thrown myself into this relationship to mask the other problems I'm having. A realisation I came to today, which has really helped me process and analyse things.

So now, I feel like I need to regain my hand in the relationship, it's felt lob sided at times, because of me living with him, I'm catering myself around his schedule. So I'm pulling away from him and not being as responsive and maybe as close to him as I used to be. This gives him the space and the slowed down tone he wants, but also makes him miss me more, which in turn will force him to decide what he wants/needs in his life. It's difficult having to stop myself from calling him or seeing him as much as I did, but ultimately I know that it will make things better for us in the long run. Too much closeness now will just fizzle things out in the long run. I can't force him to work out the issues he needs to, but I know I will stick around until he does.

[botley]

I'm about to go out and see the ex tonight — she's visiting from England, we're hanging out with a group of other friends — and just to make sure I'd look GOOD I got a pro shave & haircut today. I'm prepared with Xmas gifts guaranteed to warm her heart. She's only here a few days but I'd like to leave things in a pleasant space. Either I'm desperate to get laid or still really genuinely care about this woman. Or both. We'll see.

[Dra508]

but I know I will stick around until he does.The question is does he know this? I point this out just because I've been told that I sometimes don't give out enough information/affection/comfort. If we are reserved in our affection, one doesn't have the comfort of knowing that you will be there once they are done going through their own shit. You can't promise, but you can tell them you can try. Now, I'm talking about myself.

For the most part, sounds like you have got things figured out, I'm happy for you.

Age differences matter only if you two make them matter.

[sentient02970]

Both of my adult step-kids came up to me at a party this weekend telling me how much they love me and one mentioned how he won't be taking sides, just supporting wherever he can. Did I say these were adult kids? Very adult. I'm very impressed and touched.

[allegro]

Both of my adult step-kids came up to me at a party this weekend telling me how much they love me and one mentioned how he won't be taking sides, just supporting wherever he can. Did I say these were adult kids? Very adult. I'm very impressed and touched.
That is really awesome.

[isak]

My boyfriend who I've been with for nearly 3 years , broke up with me on Monday, still a really big shock, I'm only 18, but I had all my plans next year based around him too kinda (was going to uni close to where he lives and stuff). He moved and got a job in Manchester, and shortly after said he found someone new. Really sucks thinking someone you spent nearly every day with for over 2 years can find you so dispensable. And I've got loads of exams in January to add to the stress. I did something awful and slept with someone else yesterday too. I still haven't cried either, but I don't think I've properly come to terms with it yet.

[dominik]

I did something awful and slept with someone else yesterday too.

Why is that awful?

And I'm sorry for you, but look at it in a good way, you are only 18, time to move on and he certainly wasn't worth it :)

[isak]

Why is that awful?

And I'm sorry for you, but look at it in a good way, you are only 18, time to move on and he certainly wasn't worth it :)

I think the guy really likes me though, and he's really nice, but I think he's kinda just a rebound thing, which feels a little unfair. Thanks though, I guess it would be a little strange if I stayed with the same guy from being 15, but it's been a really important 3 years, from leaving school and getting part time jobs and coming to grips with things and going through college, and he's been there for it all, it'll take a while to get used to being alone and having so much spare time. there aren't many people I really feel comfortable talking about it with either, I never so much as mention being gay to my male friends or my family really.

[sentient02970]

My boyfriend who I've been with for nearly 3 years , broke up with me on Monday, still a really big shock,
I'm sorry. You can't expect this to feel normal after a few days. I think the best advice, through the process, is just continue to feel good about yourself and who you really are (you're NOT "dispensable"). You'll likely hit the place where you wonder if there's something wrong with you...that's the first thing you need to stop doing. It'll get better from there. My best to you.

[Dra508]

Both of my adult step-kids came up to me at a party this weekend telling me how much they love me and one mentioned how he won't be taking sides, just supporting wherever he can. Did I say these were adult kids? Very adult. I'm very impressed and touched.I just had this same experience with my two brothers. I talked to both of them last week about my situation and they said things like "we don't judge you", "we want the best for you" and "we love you". Sniff sniff waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

[sentient02970]

That's great Dra, your brothers rock.

[botley]

Either I'm desperate to get laid or still really genuinely care about this woman. Or both. We'll see.
It's the latter. I still love her and she seems to love me but we're clearly not in love anymore. Fantasies about hooking up again are just that. This is very sad for me, but of course I'll survive. It was still the right decision to break up. Sigh...

[Pillfred]

It's the latter. I still love her and she seems to love me but we're clearly not in love anymore. Fantasies about hooking up again are just that. This is very sad for me, but of course I'll survive. It was still the right decision to break up. Sigh...


I find myself in the same spot more or less and it is very shitty indeed.

[Christo]

The question is does he know this? I point this out just because I've been told that I sometimes don't give out enough information/affection/comfort. If we are reserved in our affection, one doesn't have the comfort of knowing that you will be there once they are done going through their own shit. You can't promise, but you can tell them you can try. Now, I'm talking about myself.

For the most part, sounds like you have got things figured out, I'm happy for you.

Age differences matter only if you two make them matter.
I told him I would. But I don't think I can honestly put myself through feeling like shit all the time until he works it out. I'm giving him space and trying to keep myself busy.

[lady weetly]

Some strange things happened this week. That mutual friend of my ex became single late last week and has been flirting with me. I was supposed to hang out with him last night to talk, but I'm really sick with a head cold and called it off (even though he was really persistant with still wanting to see me which made it awkward). The other weird thing is I started hanging out and reconnecting with my best friend from high school for the first time in like two years. It's been really nice catching up, but he sent me kinda a vague message and I'm afraid he has feelings for me with the way he worded it. I don't want that to ruin our friendship because he's a good friend and I really hope it's nothing. On top of all this, next month makes it 3 months since the break up and also what would have been our 2 year anniversary. I'm still not over my ex and I've made it very clear to to both of them. :/ This all is just really odd.

Edit: Aw fuck, my best friend just told me he has feelings for me. Shit. Now what?

[Fixer808]

Aw fuck, my best friend just told me he has feelings for me. Shit. Now what?
Bang him. Can't hurt, right? Right?!
Seriously, though, I've been on both sides of that. You need to do some serious evaluation, it's like a "Choose Your Own Adventure" book:
"Do I have feelings for him as well? If yes, go to page 123. If no, go to page 60"

If you DO go to page 60, drop the bomb easy, but firmly.

[icklekitty]

Depending on the exact situation, you could hand him a "I don't fancy you, but wanna have sex once?" option.


(Shreena has done this)

[Rémy]

I met a woman at a Christmas party last night. I thought we got along well throughout the evening. She was interested in my work and we had a few points where we were off away from the rest of the people at the party chatting away on our own for 30 mins at a time. Before I left I asked her for her number and said we should do something this week. Her reaction seemed positive. Now I'm at a bit of a loss as to where to go from here. I'm leaving for R&R on the 4th of January, so I have to ring her and set something up soon (ie. this week). But being in Kabul limits my options. There are a few on-limit restaurants we could go to, but I doubt either of us wants to be ogled and judged by nosey Afghan staff. I was going to invite her to the company bar, but outsiders aren't allowed in. The only other thing I can think of is inviting her around to my place for dinner. But that seems incredibly forward. My choices aren't really all that spectacular. Ideas?

[Dra508]

Seems like your only option is the restaurant. If you really like her and want to get to know her, you going to let a few nosey Afghans stop you? I don't care what culture you come from, but first date at your place has got to be "forward" in all of them. That's my two cents/afghani.

[Rémy]

I think I'm getting sent out to the field in three days for a few nights in a very last-minute change of plans. So I guess I have to ring her tonight. I'll ask her where she wants to go to eat, that way she can pick somewhere where she's been before and is comfortable with the staff. Assuming she says yes, that is.

[sick among the pure]

My boyfriend very sneakily slipped a silver band on my left ring finger while holding my hand when my family was opening presents yesterday. I hugged him like crazy, said "of course", and now my fiance agrees that I won x-mas.

[lady weetly]

^ Congratulations!! That's fantastic and super cute. :D

Re Fixer808 & icklekitty: I responded back and explained that I don't have those feelings for him. He took it well and we're still going to hang out as friends like before. I wouldn't want to hurt him even more and also I'm not attracted to him. I've never "friend-zoned" someone before, so I was kinda spazzing out, but it really went okay. I just feel kinda bad that I had to though. :/

[Magtig]

One major problem is that in London, I'm essentially homeless at the moment. A massive commission I was meant to be on fucked up at the last minute, at the same time my lease expired. So I've been essentially living with him for almost the entire time of our relationship. Which obviously I hate doing, because it moves things way too fast, but the alternate is not seeing him for a long period of time, which I also don't want to do. I've had a really difficult month and today I realised I've thrown myself into this relationship to mask the other problems I'm having. A realisation I came to today, which has really helped me process and analyse things.
Oh the joys of freelance photography. I'm in the exact same boat (massive) commission wise, and it's hard enough without all the relationship complications. You're in a really tough situation, and being in a close quarter living situation with this person is probably exacerbating the tension and paranoia. If you can figure out a way to stay somewhere else, you probably should even though you don't want to (even if it just means staying a few nights with a different friend, etc). If you do that make sure you explain your decision in a completely up front way to your partner. In fact, I would say that if you really want this to have a chance of working, lay your cards on the table. Have a lot of in depth discussions, be completely up front about how you feel, and include the messy paranoid parts of your personality. This is definitely not an easy thing to do, but if this guy really does love you he'll respect it. Ultimately, if he can't accept you for who you are (and vice versa), it won't work anyway no matter how much love is involved.

It also might help for you to put some effort into actively and consistently reminding yourself that you're a good person. I know that sounds a little cheesy, but it's oddly easy to forget (at least for me, anyway).

[Rémy]

We're having dinner at a restaurant on Wednesday night. Excitement has now given way to absolute terror. Here's to hoping I don't fuck this up.

[Dra508]

We're having dinner at a restaurant on Wednesday night. Excitement has now given way to absolute terror. Here's to hoping I don't fuck this up.relaaaaaaaaaaax, she obviously wants to chat with you if she agreed to it sit across from you and break bread. Just don't pick your nose.

[YKWYA]

relaaaaaaaaaaax, she obviously wants to chat with you if she agreed to it sit across from you and break bread. Just don't pick your nose.

Good luck to you man! Hope all goes well.

I just wondered though: OK, sure, going on 'special' occasions etc, is important (I think, in relationships) but ultimately, if you are in one, then, you need to be friends, and the real you comes out at 6:15 in the morning making coffee for work. What Im wondering is, why do we choose 'dinner' (situations) as a means to getting to know someone, and make it into some super occasion we should be nervous about, when actually, you could go for a walk etc. Call me boring. But, surely the person you 'love' should be comfortable to be around? I mean, on this thinking we then spend all our time trying to catch up to the 'sell' image of ourselves at dinner. Not the Dog Days at 6:15. But anyhow, Im not well versed in this. Unless of course you just want to fuck, in which case, that fine too. But then, whats to worry about?

[Rémy]

In general I agree with what you're saying, but on the practical side of things, living in a war zone and working hellish hours only really leaves evenings and dinners for any type of socialising. I'm less worried now. Dra is right: When I met her I was just being myself and it was comfortable and we had fun. No reason why I should act any differently now.

[Christo]

Wooo! I got dumped!

[halloween]

Wooo! I got dumped!

Shit! Sorry to hear, hopefully it didn't go down too ugly?

[Pillfred]

Talked to the ex the other day when i picked up the last of my stuff. In talking to her it is apparent that she is in a bad spot mixed up in something that she doesn't need right now. I won't get into it but it's not good. I know their is nothing I can do to help her but after 8 years i owe it to her to at least be honest. She may very well hate me for saying it but i don't think anyone else will.

[scotty79]

ever feel no matter what you do you're always in the wrong?

[Fixer808]

ever feel no matter what you do you're always in the wrong?
It's called "having a wife", AMIRITE FELLAHS?

[scotty79]

It's called "having a wife", AMIRITE FELLAHS?

well it looks like I may be out of that before it gets that far

[theruiner]

But we talked and we decided we need to put more effort into making it an actual relationship, and now that we've got more time on our hands I think we'll be able to.Translation=more fucking

AMIRITE FELLAHS?

[Christo]

Alcohol daze for a week

[isak]

Since my break up I can't seem to keep myself occupied. I need people, all the time, I can't stand being alone and it's really taking it's toll, I've spent far too much money, I have 5 exams within the next 3 weeks that I've done no work for, and I've barely stopped drinking. Even tonight, I've came home midday, then washed, napped, got up and have sought out other things to do. I can't even just sit and read or watch TV most the time, I need to be trying to get out the house. Also, all of the guys I'm seeing, I don't like that much and it just makes me want my ex back, BUT I CAN'T STOP. Ugh.

[Pillfred]

Since my break up I can't seem to keep myself occupied. I need people, all the time, I can't stand being alone and it's really taking it's toll, I've spent far too much money, I have 5 exams within the next 3 weeks that I've done no work for, and I've barely stopped drinking. Even tonight, I've came home midday, then washed, napped, got up and have sought out other things to do. I can't even just sit and read or watch TV most the time, I need to be trying to get out the house. Also, all of the guys I'm seeing, I don't like that much and it just makes me want my ex back, BUT I CAN'T STOP. Ugh.

Just focus on school, its what i did for the first two months after me and the lady split. However the breakdown was patiently waiting for me after it ended. I've just made my piece with it though, well 95% of it anyhow. On that note i finally got my stuff with her sorted out and it seems here in the future when we have something other than the last 8 years to talk about we will be friends still. So that's good.

[JessicaSarahS]

Sooo... I really do not like talking on the phone. There are only a handful of people that I speak to on the phone and that I go out of my way to contact. I think things are more misconstrued for me on the phone than via text, chat, email etc. I prefer face to face communication. So why is it that when I give a guy my number and tell them to text only, they still call? When they ask for my number, I specifically tell them that I'll ignore their call if they do call and I asked that they text only. But they still call. Then I feel like a cold hearted bitch when I listen to their voicemail and they're all nervous, and they want to talk, etc. Gah!

Should I just get over my phone issues? I mean, I do talk on the phone a LOT for work, etc. It's not like I'm phone phobic. I just don't like it or enjoy it otherwise. :( When I do try to give in and talk to people on the phone, I'm just silent on my end while they go into chatterbox mode and it's just not pleasant for me.


And speaking of phones, I have a phone stalker calling me from a private number leaving me numerous voicemails of them breathing heavily and orgasmically moaning. Doesn't help my no-phone anxiety... :mad: (And this has been going on for a couple months before I gave out my number to the two new guys, so it's all unrelated as far as I can tell.)

[dominik]

No no, I understand you. I hardly talk on the phone, and only do not ignore it when good friends or relatives call me. Their problem if they didn't listen to you. ;)

[Deus Ex Machina]

Sooo... I really do not like talking on the phone. There are only a handful of people that I speak to on the phone and that I go out of my way to contact. I think things are more misconstrued for me on the phone than via text, chat, email etc. I prefer face to face communication. So why is it that when I give a guy my number and tell them to text only, they still call? When they ask for my number, I specifically tell them that I'll ignore their call if they do call and I asked that they text only. But they still call.

Calling and talking back and forth with someone is a natural, instinctive thing to do if you don't know someone well. To a certain extent, giving your number to someone and asking them not to call directly is like giving someone the keys to a car and asking them only to go in reverse. If they're not really paying attention, they'll forget your instructions and just drive normally. Not saying it should be that way, just saying that people tend to default to what they know when they are uncertain or in the face of the unusual. You'd think it was unusual enough that they would remember exactly what you wanted, but they just got done asking you for your number, so they might be a little amped up. Can't speak for them, but I know I forget details when I'm stressed/exhilarated. I can imagine taking the number out of my pocket, starting to dial and thinking: "She told me to only text, but that sounds wrong. Did I hear her right? Does she really prefer texting? I'd normally never text, in fact, I'm afraid that she'll think I'm lame if I do. I think I'll call. Yeah, I'll just call, that's the default right? What girl doesn't prefer a call to a text, right*? Yeah, I'll call."

Yeah, it's a little daft (*and in it's own way a little casually sexist, but probably not the thread for that), but they likely mean well. You could always text back, 'something something I hate the phone, something something prefer face to face, let's make that happen via text'.

Just my $0.02

[JessicaSarahS]

No no, I understand you. I hardly talk on the phone, and only do not ignore it when good friends or relatives call me. Their problem if they didn't listen to you. ;)

That's what I'd like to do and say, but I feel so mean.


Calling and talking back and forth with someone is a natural, instinctive thing to do if you don't know someone well. To a certain extent, giving your number to someone and asking them not to call directly is like giving someone the keys to a car and asking them only to go in reverse. If they're not really paying attention, they'll forget your instructions and just drive normally. Not saying it should be that way, just saying that people tend to default to what they know when they are uncertain or in the face of the unusual. You'd think it was unusual enough that they would remember exactly what you wanted, but they just got done asking you for your number, so they might be a little amped up. Can't speak for them, but I know I forget details when I'm stressed/exhilarated. I can imagine taking the number out of my pocket, starting to dial and thinking: "She told me to only text, but that sounds wrong. Did I hear her right? Does she really prefer texting? I'd normally never text, in fact, I'm afraid that she'll think I'm lame if I do. I think I'll call. Yeah, I'll just call, that's the default right? What girl doesn't prefer a call to a text, right*? Yeah, I'll call."

Yeah, it's a little daft (*and in it's own way a little casually sexist, but probably not the thread for that), but they likely mean well. You could always text back, 'something something I hate the phone, something something prefer face to face, let's make that happen via text'.

Just my $0.02

Thanks for putting it in perspective for me. I think you hit everything pretty dead on. I did text both back saying that I received their voicemails and that I prefer text or chat at the beginning of everything. The guy that I was most afraid of hurting texted back and apologized and the other guy that I didn't think much about left me a voicemail saying he's going to change my mind about the whole phone thing and make me enjoy talking on the phone... I only agreed to meet up with one of them again. ;)

I still think giving out my phone number is safer than an alternative, like giving out my email address. And I'm trying my best to get out and date more often instead of relying on faceboook/online, which has become my comfort zone. So it feels like I'm relearning everything about actual dating and guys and not just treating them like sex objects. Feels strange.

[Fixer808]

And suddenly, it's a relationship. :D

[halloween]

And suddenly, it's a relationship. :D

Oooh! Congrats =]

My sister is planning on getting married soon, i can't wait to be her bridesmaid!

[icklekitty]

And suddenly, it's a relationship. :D

I could feel that in MY waters from what you were saying last week but I didn't want to jinx it for you :P Take that, shit end to Fixer's last year!

[Fixer808]

I could feel that in MY waters from what you were saying last week but I didn't want to jinx it for you :P Take that, shit end to Fixer's last year!
Thanks!! It's certainly cheered me up after all that shit that went down in November/December (car killing itself, burglary, etc).

[theimage13]

Decided that it's finally time to have "the talk" with my girlfriend tonight (or tomorrow, or whenever I see her). The relationship is just starting to feel extremely one-sided. She's not really doing anything to make it seem like she actively wants out, but at the same time, she's not really doing anything to make it seem like she wants to move forward, either. After over six months, we haven't done anything that most people would do on the few dates. I had been attributing it largely to our respective living arrangements (her with her parents and younger brother; me with a shithole apartment full of messy adults and a loud six year old), but now that I'm about to move, she doesn't seem to be any more inclined to come spend more time with me. Hmmmm...

[sick among the pure]

I drew a smiley face on my fiance's unlock screen for his android. I said in a happy voice "I drew you a smiley face, but it said incorrect :(" He laughed and said "yeah, that's why I put that on there, so you wouldn't go through it." "I said, in my half hurt voice "hey, I was just drawing you a smiley face!" He said he out it on there so I'd "quit going through [his] messages all the time". I told him I've never done anything on his phone, I don't even know where the messages are (I have an iPhone, never touched an android before) and he said that I told him the other day I read his messages. One, I didn't, and honestly would have no clue how to. Two, I didn't because that's just a shit thing to do. Three, if I did something like that to him, why would I tell him that? So, he's so positive I told him that I read his messages, that he yelled me right out of the room. Idk if he had a realistic dream or what.

[slave2thewage]

Flirting with a friend of a friend. He's not normally my type, but he's funny. I guess it's something.

[theimage13]

Aaaaaaaaand now, I'm:

26
single
a virgin
living in Amish Country

Want to get any shittier, 2012? Go ahead, try me.

[allegro]

Wedding approaching and my mother keeps trying to convince me to wear some kind of gown. I'M GETTING MARRIED ON SKIS! IN SNOW! ON A MOUNTAIN! Chick at work thinks I should wear a veil. wtf. I'M NOT GONNA SKI WITH A FUCKING VEIL ATTACHED TO MY HELMET. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE!?!!?* I've kinda swayed back-and-forth about changing my name to his because I'm kinda bored with mine. And his has four letters and my first name has four letters. But then I found out all this shit you have to go through to change your last name, legally. (not to mention that it disturbs my feminist sensibilities) And you need a new passport. Um, no thanks, I'm keeping mine. I can use his whenever I want, except on legal documents like mortgages and deeds and tax returns. All of our pets have my last name at the vets office, and people have been calling him Mr. Mylastname for years, so whatever.

* http://hindsightbride.com/2010/09/22/badass-bride-skis/#axzz1j4uxipYY

[Dra508]

^^^^ Holy shit, how did I miss this: you're getting married! Congratulations and whatever.

All the things that you do need to change your name on are served easiest by your marriage license starting that change, just saying.

Wedding on skis is awesome - do what you want and don't listen to anyone. People get those on all the traditions when you really should do whatever you want - skip the flowers too. It's not like you trying to identify yourself as a bride on the top of a mountain.

Guy I haven't see in years found out I'm separated from my spouse and now I fear he might think I'm available. Shit - he's been in the friend zone since I was 17.

[NotoriousTIMP]

So I helped a customer about a week ago and got her squared away with a warranty replacement on her defective phone. I sent her on her way and thought nothing else. Well yesterday she came back into my store with "issues" on her phone and waited 20min for me to finish up with my current customer. After tinkering around with the device for 5 or so minutes I realized that there really wasn't anything wrong and she was asking some real general questions about my job and whatnot. That's when I noticed that she had done her make-up and dressed up a little to get my attention. We started chatting about random stuff and when I complimented her on how nice she looked she started to blush real badly. Haha. So to ease things up a bit I grabbed my business card and wrote down my personal number (she tried calling my work number the day before but I never use that line) and told her to call me if she has any further problems.

Later on that night she sent me a text message saying that she really didn't have anything wrong with her phone and was really there to ask me for my number but chickened out at the last moment. :) I said "well I think you still win since I ended up giving it to you anyways" - I'm excited to see where this goes since I've been single for almost a year....


Tapatapa?

[Lunatica]

Wedding approaching and my mother keeps trying to convince me to wear some kind of gown. I'M GETTING MARRIED ON SKIS! IN SNOW! ON A MOUNTAIN! Chick at work thinks I should wear a veil. wtf. I'M NOT GONNA SKI WITH A FUCKING VEIL ATTACHED TO MY HELMET. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE!?!!?* I've kinda swayed back-and-forth about changing my name to his because I'm kinda bored with mine. And his has four letters and my first name has four letters. But then I found out all this shit you have to go through to change your last name, legally. (not to mention that it disturbs my feminist sensibilities) And you need a new passport. Um, no thanks, I'm keeping mine. I can use his whenever I want, except on legal documents like mortgages and deeds and tax returns. All of our pets have my last name at the vets office, and people have been calling him Mr. Mylastname for years, so whatever.

* http://hindsightbride.com/2010/09/22/badass-bride-skis/#axzz1j4uxipYY

YAY!! CONGRATS!

You should totally wear a cheesy gown. How very Christine Brinkley of you...heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeh

[allegro]

Congratulations and whatever.

YAY!! CONGRATS!
Thanks. Getting married on our 16th anniversary. (2 years of dating + 14 years of shacking up and sharing a mortgage.)


You should totally wear a gown.
I will be wearing what I always wear on the slopes: Standard ski attire.


skip the flowers too. It's not like you trying to identify yourself as a bride on the top of a mountain
Nope. Exactly.

The only thing I do want is a CAKE. Later. Because I love cake. Any any occasion is a good excuse for cake.

The only people who will be there will be: Me. G. Skiing Minister Bob. Our friend Andrew, who's gone skiing with us for the last 4 years (he snowboards) and will serve as "photographer." Then, G and I will race each other down our favorite run (see below).

Then Carl the Bartender will serve us all copious amounts of California wine at the Lakeview Lodge.


59

[sentient02970]

Wedding approaching and my mother keeps trying to convince me to wear some kind of gown. I'M GETTING MARRIED ON SKIS! IN SNOW! ON A MOUNTAIN!
OK this is pretty much an incredibly awesome wedding idea. Good for you!!! :D

[botley]

Congrats to you both, that sounds amazing and fun.

[allegro]

Yes, thanks, his Federal Employee health insurance is gonna be amazing.

[jaimie]

So I helped a customer about a week ago and got her squared away with a warranty replacement on her defective phone. I sent her on her way and thought nothing else. Well yesterday she came back into my store with "issues" on her phone and waited 20min for me to finish up with my current customer. After tinkering around with the device for 5 or so minutes I realized that there really wasn't anything wrong and she was asking some real general questions about my job and whatnot. That's when I noticed that she had done her make-up and dressed up a little to get my attention. We started chatting about random stuff and when I complimented her on how nice she looked she started to blush real badly. Haha. So to ease things up a bit I grabbed my business card and wrote down my personal number (she tried calling my work number the day before but I never use that line) and told her to call me if she has any further problems.

Later on that night she sent me a text message saying that she really didn't have anything wrong with her phone and was really there to ask me for my number but chickened out at the last moment. :) I said "well I think you still win since I ended up giving it to you anyways" - I'm excited to see where this goes since I've been single for almost a year....


Tapatapa?

Has it been almost a year already?! Good god time flies.

Also - I swear to god everytime I see your posts I find myself utterly fucking confused by the "Tapatapa?" at the bottom

[Magtig]

I'm thinking about making a romantic interest official for the first time in.. um.. I'm not going to say how long. We have a four day camping trip planned next week for Death Valley (a remote desert in California/Nevada). My idea was to get a box of roses and put them in a long photography bag used for stands. When we're out there in the middle of nowhere I'm going to setup a shot, and ask her to get the box out of the bag and bring me the contents.

It's a little scary, but no one has ever treated me so well. I spent a lot of time making sure she knows exactly who I am, and what I'm into. I didn't leave out parts that in the past I would have tried to shove under the rug. Plus she has great ideas about my projects, and she enjoys helping me complete them (instead of just paying supportive lip service). It's great to have someone who puts as much on the table as they take from it.

[halloween]

I'm thinking about making a romantic interest official for the first time in.. um.. I'm not going to say how long. We have a four day camping trip planned next week for Death Valley (a remote desert in California/Nevada). My idea was to get a box of roses and put them in a long photography bag used for stands. When we're out there in the middle of nowhere I'm going to setup a shot, and ask her to get the box out of the bag and bring me the contents.

It's a little scary, but no one has ever treated me so well. I spent a lot of time making sure she knows exactly who I am, and what I'm into. I didn't leave out parts that in the past I would have tried to shove under the rug. Plus she has great ideas about my projects, and she enjoys helping me complete them (instead of just paying supportive lip service). It's great to have someone who puts as much on the table as they take from it.

Exciting! Don't be scared, I'm sure it's going to go really well =] Also, I'm jealous about the whole photography helper thing...my longest relationship was with a photographer (though it was long distance) and I wish we had done projects together, but I realize it was probably impossible consider we were both in school and our visits were never usually shorter than a week...oh well!

[icklekitty]

Go for it Magtig!! Even if it doesn't last forever it sounds like giving it a go will be more of a worthwhile experience than not doing anything about it. Especially if you haven't felt like this about someone in a long time.

[theimage13]

Are there any free dating sites that don't completely suck, or do I have to pay if I want to take the online approach?

[playwithfire]

Try okcupid. Nerve also just launched a dating site that I assume would be good.

[cashpiles (closed)]

^^ Also PlentyOfFish. www.pof.com (http://www.pof.com) I would say from my experience that Plenty Of Fish will give you more eventual dates, something like a 2 to 1 ratio over OKCupid. The people on OKCupid seem more articulate and intelligent and quirky. That's kind of OKCupid's "thing." You'll also find a huge amount of bisexuals on OKCupid. About 25 percent of the women on POF.com are single mothers. POF.com is more streamlined and thus requires less cpu resources.

[M1ke]

^^ Also PlentyOfFish. www.pof.com (http://www.pof.com) I would say from my experience that Plenty Of Fish will give you more eventual dates, something like a 2 to 1 ratio over OKCupid. The people on OKCupid seem more articulate and intelligent and quirky. That's kind of OKCupid's "thing." You'll also find a huge amount of bisexuals on OKCupid. About 25 percent of the women on POF.com are single mothers. POF.com is more streamlined and thus requires less cpu resources.
Oddly enough, when it comes to finding a dating site the one that will make me use my computer less really is what I'm after.

The wife is really getting to me. She's been unemployed for about 8 months now and I'm still the only one who cleans a goddamn thing around this house.

I worked 60 hour weeks all christmas and still got no help around the house. She spends all day in her fucking chat rooms and won't do fucking all.

[theimage13]

Sadly, I don't have much faith in POF or OKC. Maybe it's because of who I am and the area I live in. But from what I've found (both now, and when I moved here a year ago)...

POF = no matches. Within a 25 mile radius, there are less than two pages of results - and all I'm really filtering out is users with kids, smokers, and drug users.
OKC = yikes. Everyone is either "bisexual" (are they really?), a single mother, or morbidly obese (I'm an extremely thin guy, and I'm just not attracted to that body type). Of the extremely few who aren't, they're either smokers, listed as "seeing someone", or in the chance that they're actually single and I write...I never hear back.

Oy.

[NotoriousTIMP]

So I've continued to talk with the girl from my previous post and I'm really starting to dig her. She seems pretty level headed, has a good job, is independent, and laughs at my corny jokes. I found out that she has two kids but it doesn't bother me the slightest. We have our first date set for Monday and I'm not totally sure what we should do. Anyone got any pointers for someone who has been out of the game for so long?


Tapatapa?

[playwithfire]

Everyone is either "bisexual" (are they really?)

What.

(ten characters)

[halloween]

Everyone is either "bisexual" (are they really?)


What.



Yeah, i'm also a bit confused- are you ruling out bisexuals? because you don't...believe it?

[icklekitty]

I think he means that everyone on that site claims to be bisexual when they're mostly probably just doing it for attention. You know, how stupid teenage girls/retarded young women pretend to be all lesbian with their friends around men in bars.

[playwithfire]

I mean, maybe. But, that's a bit of an assumption to make about a person: that it's a cry for attention. Especially when some amount of bisexuality/queerness is so common in young women.

[Dra508]

I mean, maybe. But, that's a bit of an assumption to make about a person: that it's a cry for attention. Especially when some amount of bisexuality/queerness is so common in young women.Funny you should say that. My mom was just saying that she thinks gender issues are more prevelant today because they are more acceptable. Meaning back in her day, you were taught - gay/bi is wrong so there was no crossing the line for someone who might have this "some amount" you speak of. Now, being much more accepting than the last century, young men and women can "experiment" as dear Mom would say and maybe they really aren't gay. It was an interesting short from her in that she was implying that maybe we've swung too far the other way and some confusion amongst those that are truly hetero are getting caught up when they wouldn't have if we were back in the dark ages being told gay/bi is bad. Did that make any sense?

[allegro]

My mother, who's 73, said there were always gay (and probably bi) people for as long as she can remember, but it was "private" and not discussed, not because it was "wrong" but because bedroom issues were private, no matter who you were doing. My late grandmother (who would have been 105 in August) told me the same thing. That very Catholic late grandmother chose my gay best male friend as a pallbearer for my grandfather. In 1982. Ever seen Pompeil or photos from Pompeii? Hedonism ain't new, either.Theimage makes a good and valid point about the "hip" aspect of bisexuality; drunk fake lesbians making out on a dance floor solely because they know it turns most guys on, or listing one's self as "bisexual" only because you know that girl-on-girl action is a typical guy fantasy, can be total BULLSHIT.

[Dra508]

That's pretty much what my mom also said (about the same age as yours), but she added that we were socialized not to experiment. Not so much now, so she thinks that some are experimenting out of peer pressure.

[theimage13]

I think he means that everyone on that site claims to be bisexual when they're mostly probably just doing it for attention. You know, how stupid teenage girls/retarded young women pretend to be all lesbian with their friends around men in bars.

This is closest to what I meant. My aside meant that I was a bit surprised that the seeming majority of women on the site actually identify themselves as truly bisexual people. But for my purposes, I look at the label in one of two ways:
1) They're "bisexual" in the sense that they'll get drunk and make out with their friend at the club, but they're not actually attracted to women. Which is just obnoxious. Or,
2) They actually are bisexual, in which case, in the back of my mind I worry about the fact that I'm now competing against everyone, and not just other guys, for their attention. Which is a little daunting.

For the record, I have absolutely no problem with people who are bisexual (or homosexual). However, #2 explains my hesitation to pursue a serious relationship with someone who identifies themselves that way.

[orestes]

Right, because bisexuals are promiscuous and can't commit to a monogamous relationship. :rolleyes:

[theimage13]

Right, because bisexuals are promiscuous and can't commit to a monogamous relationship. :rolleyes:

That's not at all what I mean, and you know it. I'm talking more early stages of dating, when exclusivity hasn't been established and people are still exploring their options.

[botley]

I also happen to know (ahem) that the ONLY three orientation options on that particular website are straight, gay/lesbian, and bi. That's archaic.

[theimage13]

Pardon my ignorance, but what else would you list? Bestiality? Not many animals can type (or afford internet access), so it seems a little silly to make that an option.

[icklekitty]

Bi-curious, pansexual, polyamorous, dominant, submissive, celibate (which doesn't rule out wanting a partner) and good ol' queer.

[botley]

Pardon my ignorance, but what else would you list?
The above, but also a spectrum of options in between. Or "check all that apply" if that makes matching easier.

[Fixer808]

Fetlife isn't a dating site, per se, but does list a lot of options.

[theimage13]

Fetlife isn't a dating site, per se, but does list a lot of options.

Ben there...couldn't make it work, sadly. I was extremely excited when I learned about the site through the ONE friend who knows my...er...proclivities (well, just fantasies thus far). However, every single person in my age range who I felt an inclination to contact is listed as being in one form of relationship or another.

[icklekitty]

Ben there...couldn't make it work, sadly. I was extremely excited when I learned about the site through the ONE friend who knows my...er...proclivities (well, just fantasies thus far). However, every single person in my age range who I felt an inclination to contact is listed as being in one form of relationship or another.


That's not necessarily prohibitive.

Fetlife needs a counterpart option for "princess by day, slut by night". And a better keyword search. And a redirect feature for all the dicks that think it's Adult Friend Finder. Thankfully, the UK also has Informed Consent.


Speaking of, someone I flung two weeks ago won't stop texting me and tonight showed up at my favourite night club. If it happens again, I might start to get worried (...that my sex life is turning into slave2thewage's :P)

[Deadpool]

Not a "traditional" relationship question, but I'd appreciate some advice.

My brother had a pretty bad falling out with one of his friends some time ago - a person who is rather fucking douche-y, and whose douchery reached a point of intolerance. Despite this, I've remained "friends" with this person on facebook, out of the simple fact that I was too lazy to ever delete or unfriend him. That's it. I realize in 2012 that facebook is essentially real life, so remaining "friends" with someone or not "unfriending" them is a COLOSSAL social gesture, so I guess I should have known better.

Anyway, this douche sends me an insanely long, insanely arrogant message tonight about how I'm a "good kid" and how he's sure I was still friends with him on facebook because my brother was using me to keep tabs on him... ....what ... ...seriously?!? You're not only enormously self-centered, but incredibly paranoid.

I'm POSITIVE the right course of action is to not respond in any way, especially after this fucktard tacked on an outright insult to what was a surprisingly mild-mannenred message as I was actually typing out a potential response. Yet, would I be the bigger man if I said:

"Hey _, no hard feelings, I have no idea what happened with you guys and it's none of my business. My brother was never keeping tabs on you. I was too lazy to unfriend you. Thanks for your honesty. Have a nice day."

But I KNOW that would just give him an excuse to respond, no matter how straightforward or impartial I was. He'd just have another excuse to sling thinly veiled insults at my brother. I'm just not used to having to swallow my pride in a such a big way. It takes a lot to get my flustered, but the one surefire way to do that is to puff your chest and say how much better you are than myself and my family, no matter how much you want to disguise it as selflessness when it's self-righteousness.

Needless to say, this asshole is now unfriended, and of course there's no way I'm ever telling my brother about this, the conversation would ruin both of our days, and no good would come of it.

[Eos]

^^ I'd say you made the right call here. For people with an over-inflated sense of self (such as the asshat in question), to be unfriended unceremoniously is the ultimate insult, and not telling your brother about it would be the best thing to do. There's no need to upset him if you've handled the situation yourself. Good on you for not taking this guy's bait.

[Deadpool]

Thanks, Eos, I appreciate the affirmation. Like you said, I'm sure the lack of a response will do more in my favor than anything I could possibly reply with. I suppose I learned a valuable lesson about social networking relationships today.

[NotoriousTIMP]

*ugh* I'm really getting nervous now that tomorrow night is our 'first date' night and I'm about ready to pull my hair out. I haven't been this stressed out over a date in a very very long time. I'm really digging this girl and I dont wanna screw it up, but I fear that my nerves are going get the best of me =/

[Pillfred]

Think I'm starting to pull around. It still sucks that the dude the ex is dating lives right around the corner from my apt and i get to see her car there from time to time but it is what it is. On a similar note I think i may have met a girl that I like. She seems pretty cool, kind of excited to see what happens.

[slave2thewage]

The awkward moment when you want to stab a love rival in both eyes.

[NotoriousTIMP]

Think I'm starting to pull around. It still sucks that the dude the ex is dating lives right around the corner from my apt and i get to see her car there from time to time but it is what it is. On a similar note I think i may have met a girl that I like. She seems pretty cool, kind of excited to see what happens.

Dude, same shit happened to me last year. I broke up with the gf only to find out that she had been hanging out with this dude towards the end of the relationship. Seven days after we broke up, she's in a relationship with this guy. Even though it was me who broke it off it still hurt to see that she moved on THAT fast. Then, to add insult to injury, she moved in to the complex even though she was 25min away and there were cheaper apartments closer to work. For the better half of 2011 I had to see them in the pool together when I was getting my mail and always saw his car parked next to hers. It's sucks, but you'll move on at some point. Just focus your attention to this new girl and maybe something to keep your mind occupied during the day.


Sent from my iPhone using tapatalk

[Fixer808]

Last night, 2 weeks in:
Me - "I love you"
Her - "I love you, too"
:D

[theimage13]

You just described the last nearly seven months of my life. With extraordinarily eerie similarity.

My advice: ask her, very bluntly, how she feels about you and where she sees the relationship going. As someone told me after my breakup last week, there's no use in being with someone who doesn't want to be with you. So at least give her a chance - tell her what you just told us about interests, etc, and ask her how she really feels about you. Take it from there. Good luck.

Now, quick personal rant: after much debating, I broke down and joined Match. I haven't heard back from anyone I've written to, but I did get winked at. By a divorced woman with kids. Apparently the part where I'm "not sure" about kids and looking for someone who's never been married just doesn't register with everyone. Curses.

[botley]

You can't take who does and does not respond personally. Some people send tons of messages without really closely reading the profiles. Others are just there to peep other profiles and never respond.

[Dra508]

My soon to be ex husband spends my money like it's water.... I need a lawyer, but for some reason I am dragging my feet. Not that I don't want it, I really fucking do, but the process feels me with dread.

[Timinator]

You cannot be objective. You need input from someone who is.

You owe it to Future Dra to get that objective help. Future Dra will curse Current Dra for not taking better care of things now if you don't.

[theimage13]

Present Timinator is right. Better to feel dreadful now for a little bit than drag it out and feel dreadful for a long time to come.

[allegro]

My soon to be ex husband spends my money like it's water.... I need a lawyer, but for some reason I am dragging my feet. Not that I don't want it, I really fucking do, but the process feels me with dread.
Guilt, dread, fear. It took me over a year to finally file. You really should separate your money, though. Immediately. That's one thing I did before I even LEFT.

[Dra508]

You're all right. Problem is, we have obligations and he has no income. He's got plenty of saving though and a wealthy father. So bleeding my monthly income dry to punish me is going to be over soon. He's going to need to stand on his own two feet and stop eating tenderloin.

BTW, my therapist says there is no place for guilt. It's a manufactured emotion. I'd love to agree with him, but I was raised Catholic. It'll take a lot for me not to feel guilty for walking away.

[sentient02970]

my therapist says there is no place for guilt. It's a manufactured emotion. I'd love to agree with him, but I was raised Catholic. It'll take a lot for me not to feel guilty for walking away.
Oh boy can I relate to THIS. I've also had weekly check ins with my therapist over self-blame and guilt being worthless and a waste of emotion. This all seems to get a bit better (in pieces) when you continue to prioritize yourself...it's not selfish. It's just what you have to do right now. You're certainly thinking and getting advice in the right direction. My best to you Dra.

[Dra508]

Oh boy can I relate to THIS. I've also had weekly check ins with my therapist over self-blame and guilt being worthless and a waste of emotion. This all seems to get a bit better (in pieces) when you continue to prioritize yourself...it's not selfish. It's just what you have to do right now. You're certainly thinking and getting advice in the right direction. My best to you Dra. Why I went to yoga Sunday, gym yesterday, wax/therapist/yoga today, day of rest tomorrow, more yoga, more gym and then maybe I'll have a glass of wine.

And our financial planner just left me a voice mail telling me he is "heartbroken" by the news. WTF.

VVVVV i moved out close to 4 months ago, but he's paying all the household bills with our joint checking which seems to only be receiving my paycheck. Something has got to give. I just want to get through this as amicably as possible. He's the one who suggested mediation first, but now silence. Yes - I got a find a lawyer. Not exactly people I know or money I want to spend.

I don't know about the Catholic thing - my parents were not the "or else you're going to go to hell type". I think it's the inability to feel selfish, that there are more important things in the world then individuality. I'm so lapsed I really am very open to not feeling guilty, but I did reject him so I think it's pretty natural regardless of religion to feel bad about that. He didn't ask for this.

[redshoewearer]

BTW, my therapist says there is no place for guilt. It's a manufactured emotion. I'd love to agree with him, but I was raised Catholic. It'll take a lot for me not to feel guilty for walking away.

What is it about being raised Catholic? It stays with us forever. But yes, add my voice on separating assets. Are you guys going to live together until it is over or has someone moved out already? And yes do find a lawyer.

[sentient02970]

Why I went to yoga Sunday, gym yesterday, wax/therapist/yoga today, day of rest tomorrow, more yoga, more gym and then maybe I'll have a glass of wine.

You are really rockin' that gym work! Good for you. I just started back into weights (haven't picked up running again) but I'm major sore from that first workout...waaay outta shape.

My wife and I haven't physically separated yet because we still haven't figured out how we're doing the finances. We at least have separate professional jobs with paychecks but bills, rent and everything comes out of the "lump sum". I'm still a bit burned from time to time with how much she's choosing to spend on herself without regard to our current situation or how we plan for the future. But that seems to be improving and we're navigating it as best we can.

Do I think she's selfish for ending it? Yeah sometimes I do. But I do understand it and know my part in this getting here. Do I want her to feel guilty about it? Not in the slightest. I'd right now just want to see the reasons around the breakup and all the complications around it just go away as "something in the past" so we can work on our future separated.

I got some really good words about this process from someone the other day. It may not hit you the same way but I found it very thoughtful: "This is going to be very tough on you but I promise it will get better."

[aurelius]

Does anyone have any suggestions on how to deal with a partner who has a serious health condition (besides open communication and honesty, which we have, thankfully)? My boyfriend has MS (relapsing remitting, the "good" kind) and he seems to be in constant pain. He's either very tired in general, or the interferon he takes gives him flu-like symptoms. His feet never stop hurting, and his legs often go numb. But, according to him, this is the best he's felt since being diagnosed with MS. This is his healthy baseline, basically, and it's very hard for me since he's clearly in pain. But I know I'm not helping the situation by worrying about him or acting as if he's ill when this is a typical good day for him. I know he's worried what will happen when he has a remission and things are much, much worse. I want to be sure that I'm not ignoring the realities of what's going on, yet I don't want to freak out and make him feel bad. Any help would be greatly appreciated. I certainly don't want him to feel that I'm upset because he has a health condition. I'm just trying to figure out how to handle myself and the situation best for both of us.

[allegro]

Dra, I suggest that you immediately start *interviewing* divorce attorneys; a mix of male and female attorneys. And get another financial planner?

Aurelius: can you do some research on MS or talk with your own doctor about it?

[Beef of the Sea]

EDIT: Ah, never mind.

[Timinator]

BTW, my therapist says there is no place for guilt. It's a manufactured emotion.Your therapist is right.

Even more importantly, though, it's essential to think - in the quiet moments - that guilt is never, ever, ever a productive feeling.

Think about it: what has guilt ever done? Think about all the times you've been wracked with guilt, or when those you know have been. What changed? Nothing, guaranteed. About 80% of the time those feeling debilitating guilt didn't do anything to deserve feeling that way. And in the 20% of time when the guilt was warranted, did the person learn from it? I bet not. You feel guilty for cheating, or drinking too much, or being mean to your mum, and you stop for a while, and then three weeks from now you do it all over again. Or you do something different, but equally bad for the same reason.

Fuck guilt. It's not healing, it's not transformative. Awareness is. If you make the decision to never drink again you do it because you've become aware that you're using that drunkenness for something: a crutch, or a band-aid, or whatever. You never stop because you felt bad the last time you were hung over.

Only give time to useful, productive feelings. Guilt is not one of those.

Start fresh. It's time for renaissance Dra. Burn the fucker down and start fresh.

[allegro]

That's true, guilt is neither useful nor productive.

[YKWYA]

Only give time to useful, productive feelings. Guilt is not one of those.

Start fresh. It's time for renaissance Dra. Burn the fucker down and start fresh.


Good Insight Tim. Good luck with it all Dra - you'll get through it. It might be hard at times, but you will get through it.

Just something that freaked me out: over hearing two Girls I know talking about the fact that the other might be pregnant, and how to tell the boyfriend because he doesnt want kids, and it might scare him off. Sure, I accept that the possibility of Kids might scare anyone initially, but I also happen to know that before this, the girl would often be bitching about/upset because this boyfriend treats her like shit. They argue all the time, apparently do nothing but make each other miserable, and so where does the conversation lead next? 'Maybe he'll actually marry me now'. What? Did I miss something? They then begin discussing the fact that he will now have to be with her forever. How both of them always wanted babies. How exciting it all is.

What scares the shit out of me is that people still think babies will make everything OK. I just seem to see so many peopl ein relationships that dont seem to make them happy.

[Fixer808]

Well shit... that just went sideways.

[Dra508]

Well shit... that just went sideways.Well hopefully not while in the back of your van...


Thanks all for words of encouragement - My financial planner even gave me props today. I'm sure he's looking to keep my business. :P

[Fixer808]

Well hopefully not while in the back of your van...
HAH! Fortunately not! But the ex is worming his way back into the picture over the protestations of her friends.

[icklekitty]

The friends are protesting about you or him? Because one of those is bananas.

[Fixer808]

About him, he was a dick. They LIKE me!

[slave2thewage]

K, I texted the guy I was kinda seeing/mad about in 2010 with an innocent question. Within a two-line response I got called "baby" and it ended with "xo".

This does not bode well.

[Hula]

Do you have any reason to feel that way? I know you said yourself that it's completely irrational, but there has to be something there that's putting the idea into your head.

Note: I'm not saying you're justified in thinking she's not into you; maybe there's just some issue you need to resolve (either on your own or with her) in order to feel 100% comfortable and content.

[theimage13]

I'm kinda sick of not believing that my girlfriend is into me because it's completely irrational, she clearly is. But for some reason I'm still anxious about it all. It really sucks thinking like that but I'm hoping that it'll just go away with time...

"I like her, and she's good to spend time around, but it doesn't seem to me that we have that mutual physical connection. I'd be fine with that for the meanwhile if we were really close emotionally, we could work things out, but she seems distant and I don't think I can deal with someone who is that distant. I want and need someone who will reply back to my texts quickly, who shares some of my interests and puts the effort in to connect with me."

Your post from about two weeks ago.

Like I said before, this sounds exactly like the relationship I ended a couple of weeks ago. You need to figure it out in your own head first, then be direct with your girl about it. In my case, I kept trying desperately to take anything nice that she did as a sign that she was into me, but there were far more little things (being "too tired" to just watch a movie together on a weekend, making plans with a friend instead of helping me move, etc) that made me finally ask her once and for all if she felt for me what I felt for her. She said no. That was that.

I was heartbroken for a bit, but now that I'm trying to at least get back to some sort of friendship with her, I'm seeing the same little habits, and it makes me glad that I finally got out. So figure it out: what does make you feel like she's into you? What makes you feel like she's not? You said she doesn't share any interests, and she's not making an effort to connect - has that changed? No one needs to share every interest you have, but if you don't like any of the same things and she's not making any effort at all to try to find common ground with you, then that doesn't bode well for a long term relationship.

[Pillfred]

Go with your gut. It may not be what you want to "think" is right but usually it is.

[Fixer808]

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaand... single again. :( She's giving it another go with the ex, which I'm sure she'll regret.

[orestes]

Wow, that sucks, Fixer. :(

[Beef of the Sea]

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaand... single again. :( She's giving it another go with the ex, which I'm sure she'll regret.

Damn it, that sucks goat wang.
Let me know if you wanna chat about it guy, I'm going through a similar thing right now.

[theruiner]

I'm sorry to hear that, Fixer. Hang in there.

[nvr_mind]

There's this girl I met back at home during leave around christmas. We clicked almost the instant we met. We fell for each other pretty quickly. Had to come back to the Naval base in Great Lakes and we've been talking ever since. Things seem to be going great. We both never felt this strongly so quickly for someone else before. But this weekend she went on a church trip and now all of a sudden she's more distant and saying that this is all happening so fast. She's really into doing things for the youth ministry for her church and cares about those kids a lot. I told her before that I'd support her no matter what. All this kind of came out of no where. Kind of thinking I should accept that maybe it was too good to be true and walk away because I'm afraid that it'll just be another waste of time like my past relationships.

[halloween]

I really can't tell if my friend likes me or if he is just being really cool. I just hope he doesn't think i like him...(my interests lay in someone else currently who is so inconveniently far away, but what can i do.)

[Beef of the Sea]

She's being vague, aloof, ignoring the problem and being really bitchy. It's totally not worth the heartache, she can go fuck herself.

Onwards and upwards.

EDIT: To avoid any confusion, I'm rambling about my own problems.

[nvr_mind]

I'm considering just cutting my losses. It really sucks because I really wanted this to work out. I've never gave this much of a damn before. She's the first girl I've not "slept with" our first night together. She seemed like the first girl I've met that has a good head on her shoulders and everything. But oh well. Was planning on taking leave for her birthday in April.

[icklekitty]

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaand... single again. :( She's giving it another go with the ex, which I'm sure she'll regret.

Bloody idiot.

[Beef of the Sea]

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaand... single again. :( She's giving it another go with the ex, which I'm sure she'll regret.

You're an amazing dude Chris, don't let it get you down, because she'll certainly regret it and come running back to you.

[Fixer808]

Thanks man, I really appreciate it. Same to the rest of you! I just hope she doesn't take too long, we were pretty amazing together, she just apparently needs to get her head sorted out, and while I don't want to have to pick up the pieces when it inevitable goes haywire (I don't want her to have to go through that shit again), I'll still do it because I care about her.
So I'm giving her some space and time, and we're still friends.

[sentient02970]

Good for you Fixer. Best of luck to you. This shit is never easy.

[Magtig]

So I did ask the woman I mentioned earlier if she'd like to be my girlfriend while we were out in Death Valley, and she said yes! I probably would have asked earlier, but I had to make sure she wasn't just saying she was okay with non-monogamy.

I've never been in a relationship with such open communication, and so few conflicts. It's... weird (and great)!

[theimage13]

In the last three weeks, I've now sent messages to over 75 people between two sites. I've gotten replies from two. And second replies from...none.

Seriously, I can't remember ever feeling this demoralized or depressed in my life. With the exception of this issue, I'm a generally positive person with a good job and in good shape...what the hell is so off-putting about that?

[Dra508]

So I did ask the woman I mentioned earlier if she'd like to be my girlfriend while we were out in Death Valley, and she said yes! I probably would have asked earlier, but I had to make sure she wasn't just saying she was okay with non-monogamy. People still "ask people out"? Or is it that if you don't make it "official" that implies that you won't or don't have to be monogamous? Just curious.

[Magtig]

People still "ask people out"? Or is it that if you don't make it "official" that implies that you won't or don't have to be monogamous? Just curious.
"Ask people out" can refer to asking someone on a date, which seems to be less common. People still become boyfriend/girlfriend fairly regularly. I asked her to be my girlfriend, but before I did that I wanted to make sure she was okay with non-monogamy (which is how I've always described myself to her).

[Kid Charlemagne]

I thought it wasn't official until your Facebook Relationship Status says so?

[Pillfred]

In the last three weeks, I've now sent messages to over 75 people between two sites. I've gotten replies from two. And second replies from...none.

Seriously, I can't remember ever feeling this demoralized or depressed in my life. With the exception of this issue, I'm a generally positive person with a good job and in good shape...what the hell is so off-putting about that?

I would think its more that most people probably don't have a paid subscription. I hoped on match.com after reading about you trying out some sites to see what if its any different now than it was 10 years ago, it doesn't really seem to be other than it more acceptable now i would think to use such a site. It tells me that people like me but since i ain't giving them any money thats where it ends for my part anyway. As for the other don't beat yourself up too much about it won't do you any good.

[DF118]

I'd guess that those sites probably have a tonne of fake profiles too.