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View Full Version : Life in general: does it suck or is it awesome?



sublimaze
12-01-2011, 06:56 PM
I started this thread for life events that are chronic or less dramatic than HFWYD or "Outbursts."

For those of you not on Facebook, my kiddo was diagnosed with autism about a month ago. It's a crazy maze of different types of therapy and insurance coverage, financial planning and/or concerns, etc. Worse is how unpredictable the future is.

Anyway, lock this if it's a stupid thread. I needed to get this off my chest.

Harry Seaward
12-01-2011, 07:01 PM
"Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player,
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage,
And then is heard no more. It is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing."

sublimaze
12-01-2011, 08:07 PM
Thank you, Mr Shakespeare. Very impressive.

theruiner
12-01-2011, 08:12 PM
Without getting into all the details, I've got some things building right now that are causing me huge anxiety. I'm barely getting sleep any more, and I am in a state of anxiety most of the day. It's getting really bad, and I'm potentially in a pretty scary situation that I don't know how to deal with. It's too much. I'm hoping to go to a therapist as soon as humanly possible, but I'm pretty broke at the moment, and last time I went I think it was something crazy like a 40 dollar copay per visit, which I can't afford at the moment. I'll have to double check on my benefits. I might be remembering wrong and/or it might have changed.

Halo Infinity
12-02-2011, 12:19 AM
While I'm usually in an uncertain mode of figuring out whether life sucks or life's awesome, I just find life to be very scary and unpleasant sometimes, but I really try to be grateful and treat others with kindness and respect, as I would like to be treated with kindness and respect in return. If anything, I'm just looking forward to being okay with myself and others most of the time.

Being okay is actually just fine with me, and that's all I could ever ask for most of the time. Then again, if given the opportunity, I'd obviously make a selection for awesomeness 24/7/365. But that's really just wishful thinking on my behalf. :p

halloween
12-02-2011, 12:48 AM
Life is proving itself to be more and more fascinating. Learning about things like human nature in my philosophy class, to seeing minute changes in myself (good and bad), aka learning how I "work", and learning how absurd a lot of everything is. And you know, always with a large portion of general cynicism and default hatred for humanity inability to rise out of it's fuckupness. But it's all still fascinating- whether it sucks or is awesome i don't think it's either...

Amaro
12-02-2011, 12:56 AM
I lost my dad to a very short battle with cancer in late September.

Anything else I wanna say gets backspaced... But let's just say I am hanging in there.

Lunatica
12-02-2011, 01:14 AM
ugh I'm like horny and disgusted with myself at the same time because of my period. Is this appropriate talk for this thread? Sorry I just needed to vent that . OWwwwww

Baphomette
12-02-2011, 01:45 AM
I started this thread for life events that are chronic or less dramatic than HFWYD or "Outbursts."

For those of you not on Facebook, my kiddo was diagnosed with autism about a month ago. It's a crazy maze of different types of therapy and insurance coverage, financial planning and/or concerns, etc. Worse is how unpredictable the future is.

Anyway, lock this if it's a stupid thread. I needed to get this off my chest.Sublimaze, my heart goes out to you and your family. Here for you whenever you need to vent or talk or whatever. Oh! And I have a few links to send you on FB.

botley
12-02-2011, 02:03 AM
My life on balance has been pretty awesome so far. I'd say it's been almost indescribably amazing for most of the past year in particular. I have ups and downs like anyone else, but I consider myself truly fortunate to be making a living doing work that I love, surrounded by people that I love, while also finally having enough security in my own skin to be happy by myself on my own terms. It took some long years and painful times to arrive there, and of course it's a fragile balance to maintain. But I am grateful for what I have and never take it for granted.

theruiner
12-02-2011, 07:44 AM
ugh I'm like horny and disgusted with myself at the same time because of my period. Is this appropriate talk for this thread? Sorry I just needed to vent that . OWwwwwwI love you.

icklekitty
12-02-2011, 12:30 PM
I'm at a scary and nervous yet exciting and interesting time in my life at the moment. There's one thing about me that I haven't explicitly revealed to you yet, ETS (and my from what I have told you, haven't I had an interesting life so far?), and it's about to come to a head.

owinn
12-02-2011, 01:11 PM
Wait, what's this about head?

theruiner
12-02-2011, 03:23 PM
I'm at a scary and nervous yet exciting and interesting time in my life at the moment. There's one thing about me that I haven't explicitly revealed to you yet, ETS (and my from what I have told you, haven't I had an interesting life so far?), and it's about to come to a head.If you come out as transgendered I'm going to be really pissed, because I'm the resident trans person on this board. God dammit. :p



P.S. I'm totally kidding about that, to any other transgendered people that may or may not be on this board. Ok. Disclaimers are fun.

sentient02970
12-02-2011, 03:39 PM
Life lately? To use metaphor: Little moments of fresh, quiet air in a shit storm.

sublimaze
12-02-2011, 06:28 PM
I'm at a scary and nervous yet exciting and interesting time in my life at the moment. There's one thing about me that I haven't explicitly revealed to you yet, ETS (and my from what I have told you, haven't I had an interesting life so far?), and it's about to come to a head.

Whenever you're ready. We'll support you 100% (unless you're a serial killer or something).

Tea
12-02-2011, 06:30 PM
I'm at a scary and nervous yet exciting and interesting time in my life at the moment. There's one thing about me that I haven't explicitly revealed to you yet, ETS (and my from what I have told you, haven't I had an interesting life so far?), and it's about to come to a head.
... You're a man?

sublimaze
12-02-2011, 06:34 PM
Also, Miss B thank you so much.

Baphomette
12-02-2011, 07:39 PM
I'm at a scary and nervous yet exciting and interesting time in my life at the moment. There's one thing about me that I haven't explicitly revealed to you yet, ETS (and my from what I have told you, haven't I had an interesting life so far?), and it's about to come to a head.


If you come out as transgendered I'm going to be really pissed, because I'm the resident trans person on this board. God dammit. :p

She has too many corsets, ruiner. And the Fakir Musafar look is sooooooooooo passe.

halloween
12-02-2011, 08:01 PM
Speaking of life sucking, today i've been crying non stop due to school overwhelmness and people fucking touching me when i was trying to take a nap. I was on the bus for 30 minutes with tears just streaming down my face, i just could not stop it. fuuuck stress.

leo3375
12-02-2011, 08:35 PM
I'm at a scary and nervous yet exciting and interesting time in my life at the moment. There's one thing about me that I haven't explicitly revealed to you yet, ETS (and my from what I have told you, haven't I had an interesting life so far?), and it's about to come to a head.

I have a feeling about what it may be, but it is not my place to disclose it.

sentient02970
12-02-2011, 08:52 PM
Speaking of life sucking, today i've been crying non stop due to school overwhelmness and people fucking touching me when i was trying to take a nap. I was on the bus for 30 minutes with tears just streaming down my face, i just could not stop it. fuuuck stress. I'm sure the lack of sleep doesn't help much either. I know it's likely useless advice but "hang in there". There is light at the end of that tunnel. Find the thing that soaks up stress the best for you and milk that whenever you can. For me, it's running outside, drinking hot tea or browsing candy stores.

Torgo
12-02-2011, 09:38 PM
Whenever you're ready. We'll support you 100% (unless you're a serial killer or something).

(Or if she kicked puppies...)

theruiner
12-02-2011, 09:48 PM
I have a feeling about what it may be, but it is not my place to disclose it.
Holy shit. I knew it but I was in denial. Icklekitty is Trent.

This explains the love of corsets!



(Or if she kicked puppies...)
If she kicked a furry, though, I think we'd all be ok with that.

Torgo
12-02-2011, 09:51 PM
Holy shit. I knew it but I was in denial. Icklekitty is Trent.

This explains the love of corsets!



If she kicked a furry, though, I think we'd all be ok with that.

I wish I could like this post, but I turned my ETS viewing into "Johnbron Mode" and nixed the facebook connection.

Dra508
12-02-2011, 11:17 PM
^^^ I was thinking maybe she agreed to have Christos' baby, but we all know he just want to eat it so maybe not.

waffel
12-02-2011, 11:55 PM
I feel like I'm working/studying my life away. I know all the generic "It'll be worth in the end" but I've been doing this my whole life and I don't feel like I'm getting any closer to a goal.
Plus it kinda takes a toll on the social life too. I've been left out of all sorts of outings because of all the work I do. But life in general is alright, it just feels really bland at the moment.

icklekitty
12-03-2011, 03:10 AM
Ooh I am the centre of attention! Yes, I like being a girl way too much and while Trent is sometimes a girl and always likes his own way, that is not so. I wouldn't kick a puppy but I'd deffo kick Christo's baby.


I have a feeling about what it may be, but it is not my place to disclose it.

I am curious, you should PM me.

Pillfred
12-03-2011, 12:58 PM
This thread is about perfect for me at this point. This past year and a half have tossed me around like a sock in a dryer. While i was in samoa this past summer i got a message from a 14 year old girl who said i was her dad. (too much to go into here but it looks like crazy bitch wasn't lying after all). She seems like a good kid in a good place thought so at least there's that. Moved into a new place with the ex at the start of the semester which was turned out the be the 2nd most stressful thing i've had to do recently. Ended up dropping a class cause i couldn't afford to drop hours at my job, on top of all my classes having ridiculous amounts of reading and writing to do (beats doing any type of math though). Continuing issues with the lady not helped by the added stress which led to us splitting up and me having to move again only this time near the end of the semester, most stressful thing (ongoing) i've done in some time. Been sleeping on the floor and buying dollar hotdogs. Right before we broke up, after going out for 8 years. I had to drop $1300 on my truck to get it fixed and that only took 6 weeks to finish which made getting around a pain in the ass during that time. Suddenly i found myself with no vehicle and short on funds to pay for it, effectively homeless, and flat fucking broke. Then after i find a place and get sort of moved in some fuck yards smashed out my window to steal my broken stereo just before winter hits. This past month has been a real test of my will.

I will say though that I can't really complain too much. I'm still barely able to feed myself (one of the best things i love about being a cook is i get to graze :) ) and put gas in my truck, but even with all this I find myself mostly at ease with everything. I've long thought I have good luck in bad situations, a continuation of my life as a walking contradiction (no green day reference intended). My friends have been nothing short of amazing and have helped out in almost every way. School is still looking very iffy as my time is short and i have lots of work to try and finish but i will at least pass my classes which is all i can hope for at this point. I did manage to find a nice apt for way cheap, with a cool landlord who let me slide on the deposit so i could move in, he even gave me a kitchen table. I rescued a random ivy of some sort from the street a while back that looked like it wasn't going to make it after ruling around in the middle of the road for however long but it seems to be coming back to life a sporting new sprouts so that's cool, I can't help but feel the plant as a sort of visual representation of how my life has been.

So does life suck or is it awesome? I've thought about this a lot over the years and I can now say that life is what it is. Good and bad are simply colors in a spectrum. IDK maybe i just ran out of give a fuck or am on the verge of a break down but I'm looking forward to see what happens next. I've been saying for the last while now that it was gonna be one of those years and in many more ways than one it has been. One thing i can say for sure is that life is one wild fucking ride, and I'm anxious to see what happens next.

Edit: Forgot to mention i found my first two grey hairs. Hopefully ill look all pimp Clooney style one day.

halloween
12-03-2011, 01:27 PM
Hot damn pillfred! now i feel silly for crying all day yesterday over fucking photos. It's awesome that you sound so optimistic in the face of such shitty events!

IAmTheExit
12-03-2011, 03:13 PM
Reading all of this makes me feel so boring lately; life is great for me currently. It's nice!

http://brainsyndicate.files.wordpress.com/2010/10/borat.jpg

Things are much better than they used to be, to say the least. At the happiest point in my life so far, and the most pleasantly stable.

Pillfred
12-03-2011, 03:38 PM
Hot damn pillfred! now i feel silly for crying all day yesterday over fucking photos. It's awesome that you sound so optimistic in the face of such shitty events!

Well as you get older you learn sometimes theres nothing you can do but just deal with it. And to steal a line from lethal weapon 2, "Riggs you know why i don't have and ulcer? Cause i know when to say I don't give a fuck."

orestes
12-03-2011, 08:22 PM
I don't know if it's the change in seasons, the days being shorter or what but most days of late have been a struggle for me. The problem is that I feel like I have nobody to talk to about what's been plaguing me so stuff has been slowly chipping away at me over the past few months. For starters, I had had plans to move out of this god-forsaken state once and for all but plans have been postponed indefinitely. I hate my job and of late have been having difficulty keeping shit at work. Company morale is pretty low at work and everybody I talk to feels the same about how staff is treated; i.e. pretty shitty by upper management. I feel that if I don't leave this job soon then something's going to happen for the worse. I don't know how much more unnecessary stress I can take in my life. Sometimes I feel utterly alone and worthless and wonder why my life sucks so much. And that's not including my love life--or lack thereof. I have a crush on somebody and I can't even bring myself to tell them. They live in another state so it's not like I could even have a relationship with them.

Ugggggggggghhhh.

cashpiles (closed)
12-03-2011, 11:17 PM
I have a crush on somebody and I can't even bring myself to tell them. They live in another state so it's not like I could even have a relationship with them.

Ugggggggggghhhh.

Do you have any extra money? Just tell that person and go visit each other just to live.

The reason I say that is because I'm dropping out of the Masters program I'm in. I completed 2 out of 12 courses, but I don't have enough money to finish, so I'm going to go back to the work world instead of racking up debt. I have this paper due on Monday worth 60 percent of the mark for course 3 but I'm not doing it. I'm going to the Santa Claus parade with a woman (we talked on the phone about 7 hours in 3 days and she's beautiful) I just met on Friday for the first time and her kid brother. I'm living life for the moment, possibly fucking up my future, but I gotta live sometime.

halloween
12-03-2011, 11:51 PM
Ok, so people make me paranoid sometimes i hate it. "My friend didn't see a doctor in two years and had cancer, they thought they were healthy!" and another person, my teacher, keeps asking me to check out my hiccups which happen singularly through the day all day, it's not A BLOOD CLOT IN MY LUNG THANKS.


i mean i should see a doctor i've been sore as hell but you know, it's not the end of the world people. i get stressed easily! STRESS WON'T GIVE ME CANCER.

Jon
12-04-2011, 01:51 AM
I'm usually a fairly private person but all of this has been weighing on my mind causing many sleepless nights:

My wife and I had a baby girl that was born with Mosaic Down Syndrome in July of this year. SSI benefits were a guarantee since she is on oxygen and a heart monitor (for now). We received SSI benefits for exactly 2 months before it was cut off due to... computer error, yep that's right. She is guaranteed her benefits again but will take 3 months at the minimum. This is the best possible season to lose money like that.

I also found out 4 days ago that my mother has a tumor on her liver. She will be having a biopsy done monday at the earliest (then there's the waiting game for the "official" results). She is also having stints put into her kidneys to drain some blood.

All of this is really kind of leaving me speechless. At least I just passed 5 months of sobriety!;)

Timinator
12-04-2011, 03:01 AM
Life is awesomely awesome. Living in Australia is fantastic, I just landed a great new job for January, I'm happily married, I'm running again, my family and friends are all healthy and well, I just had a couple of weeks visiting back in Europe, I'm going to a few gigs now and then: it's all good.

YKWYA
12-04-2011, 08:48 AM
..........

Dra508
12-04-2011, 12:21 PM
Yeah Pillfred, what hasn't killed you has clearly made you stronger. Way to go.

naut
12-04-2011, 05:27 PM
On a scale of 1 to 10 I rate life about an 8 right now.

sublimaze
12-04-2011, 05:59 PM
I'm usually a fairly private person but all of this has been weighing on my mind causing many sleepless nights:

My wife and I had a baby girl that was born with Mosaic Down Syndrome in July of this year. SSI benefits were a guarantee since she is on oxygen and a heart monitor (for now). We received SSI benefits for exactly 2 months before it was cut off due to... computer error, yep that's right. She is guaranteed her benefits again but will take 3 months at the minimum. This is the best possible season to lose money like that.

I also found out 4 days ago that my mother has a tumor on her liver. She will be having a biopsy done monday at the earliest (then there's the waiting game for the "official" results). She is also having stints put into her kidneys to drain some blood.

All of this is really kind of leaving me speechless. At least I just passed 5 months of sobriety!;)

Wow, what a horrible set of circumstances. But still sober!!! I wish you the best.

cashpiles (closed)
12-04-2011, 10:19 PM
Total fucking idiot. That's what I am. I went to the Santa Claus parade instead of writing this paper. I don't have enough money to continue school. I locked my bike up downtown and the rear wheel got stolen AGAIN. That's because I'm an idiot. So I went to Zeller's and bought a new bike for $170 which is a cheap piece of crap, but I needed it to get home, since if I didn't get the bike, it would have taken 2 hours to walk home. I didn't bother to check it, but the wheels are too small, like they belong on a 13 year old's bicycle. I am building Retard Ville, population 1.

DF118
12-04-2011, 10:47 PM
it would have taken 2 hours to walk home

Lazy cashpiles.

the duder
12-04-2011, 11:10 PM
This week = crunch time with my grad school classes; three projects due by Monday evening. About 1/2 to 3/4 done with 2 of the 3 which makes me very happy. I also just got back in from coaching a big college swim invitational at Akron, Ohio. Our swimmers lit it up all weekend on very little (about a day) rest and a few tech suit swims. Super excited for the end of the semester and the end of swim season in February!

october_midnight
12-05-2011, 12:00 AM
I'd say that life is what you make it, but I also acknowledge that's cheesy as hell. Basically life can be hard, bleak, and long...but it's worth muscling through for so many reasons. My over analytical mind likes to take the pros and cons and weigh each.

Things in my life that have sucked:

- I lost my father twelve years ago. Two days after he passed I lost my grandfather (my father's father), thus I never really got to know either of them very well even though I was almost 18. We just never...knew each other. I constantly have to tell myself to not be like him as there were a lot of things he did that hurt my family...nothing physical or anything, but I see his faults in me and I have to make sure that I'm my own man.

- One of my friends committed suicide a half a year later just before high school grad. It still haunts me. I also lost a good friend recently who was a year older than me to testicular cancer. That still haunts me. I've lost a few other friends to drugs.

- I suffer from a lot of constant pain. I've been diagnosed with TMJ which can be brutal, and after an injury have to see a chiropractor every 2 months due to a lot of back pain. I over stress about money though I'm doing quite well for myself, but it will keep me up for 3 days.

- I often don't sleep well.

Things that keep me going:

- My fiancee. She grounds me, loves me, comforts me, accepts me. I'd be lost without her. When all is said and done and I'm ready to check out, I know that everything else will be trivial and that loving her will have been the best thing I managed to do on this planet.

- Music.

- My family and friends. Their love is unconditional as well and I need that every day.

There is a lot more, but that's enough of a rant.

terryzen
12-05-2011, 10:02 AM
I was watching the show Hell On Wheels and some guy asked Cullen "What's the world coming to sir?" and he answers "World ain't comin' to nothing son, same as it ever was." Love that quote and think it pretty much sums it up. *Enter Talking Heads song*

themethatyouknow
12-05-2011, 11:01 AM
The price is right is on... so yeah life is good.

Halo Infinity
12-05-2011, 10:42 PM
Despite the darkness I've become so accustomed to inside both my mind and heart, I suppose life can have its awesome moments, and therefore making life worth living. It's far easier said than done, but letting go of past shame, resentment and guilt while being focused on doing my own things, along with the things I enjoy has a lot to do with it sometimes. I still need to work on that though, but that's just a part of being human. ;)

allegro
12-06-2011, 01:00 AM
I am a Buddhist, so my view of life is perhaps a bit odd to some but I generally love life. Because the opposite is death.

Buddha said that death is the best guru: It reminds you that life is temporary.

As a Buddhist, I also believe in Karma and reincarnation, and I believe that we are "here" as a learning experience and it is up to us to make the best of everything and to learn the lessons from what is given us. It's our job to figure it out.

Yes, it's hard to swallow. For example, in Sublimaze's situation. But, we can look at David's* situation as a burden, or as a gift, or as just life. I feel for Sublimaze and her husband, but I mostly worry for David; this is, ultimately, his life. And I have hope for him.

Ugh, sorry, I sound like Deepak Choprah.

edit: *Sublimaze's son

Hula
12-06-2011, 05:42 AM
Life's pretty amazing right now.

After isolating myself for the better part of three years, I've got friends that I'd willingly put down the Xbox controller / laptop to go see; my writing's doing okay (even if I'm not posting much of the stuff I've done lately); I have a job that pays a decent wage and the people I work with are nice; my body image has sky-rocketed lately thanks to a variety of changes I've made in my life and the fact that I've lost a shitton of weight.

I dunno. I never sat down to think of how good I have it 'til just now, and I have to admit things have really been looking up. If I could find a job that pays enough for me to move into my own place, I'd be ecstatic—other than that, though, I can't complain.

Lessthanzero
12-06-2011, 07:15 AM
The better you look, the more you see...

sentient02970
12-06-2011, 12:33 PM
I am a Buddhist, so my view of life is perhaps a bit odd to some but I generally love life. Because the opposite is death.

Buddha said that death is the best guru: It reminds you that life is temporary.

As a Buddhist, I also believe in Karma and reincarnation, and I believe that we are "here" as a learning experience and it is up to us to make the best of everything and to learn the lessons from what is given us. It's our job to figure it out.

Yes, it's hard to swallow. For example, in Sublimaze's situation. But, we can look at David's* situation as a burden, or as a gift, or as just life. I feel for Sublimaze and her husband, but I mostly worry for David; this is, ultimately, his life. And I have hope for him.

Ugh, sorry, I sound like Deepak Choprah.

edit: *Sublimaze's son

I absolutely love the way you think. I have yet to truly walk "the path" but am always inspired by Buddhist teachings. A lot of its ideas pulled me from deep depression a few years back.

Tea
12-06-2011, 04:45 PM
My husband got a fantastic new job (meaning $$$), we're moving to the best spot in town, I have a partner in crime for my dream occupation, and we may finally win the guardianship of a suffering relative.

But all of this is overshadowed by how socially frustrated I am. I've been living in this city for a year and a half now, and still don't really have friends. I work at a tiny office where the majority of employees are awkward programmers who will barely say anything to me. My boss and I get along like crazy, but she's my boss, and it's not going to go past that unless I work elsewhere. The people I meet are either mentally insane in an offbeat way (beyond what I can take), mentally insane in a religious way, or are just hitting on me. I get along well with guys, but men here aren't allowed to talk to other women if they're married. I've attempted the Craigslist route, and twice now it's lead me to people who scare me away by being overly sexual (I don't want to be in a threesome, and I don't want you to kill me and stuff me with dildos). I feel like even after school is over, there is still this categorizing that keeps me out of any social circle, especially in such a polarized city where you're expected to be extremely religious or extremely rebellious.

NIN64
12-06-2011, 07:25 PM
Life kind of sucks as of late. Keep asking myself why I even bother. I tend to get into a pretty dark funk when the days get shorter. It also doesn't help that the 8th anniversary of my best friend's death is in a few weeks. . .

Lessthanzero
12-07-2011, 05:17 AM
my life is consistently awesome and burdened little by regrets!

ubermensch
12-07-2011, 08:57 AM
Im undecided on how my life is going right now. Too many times in the last year my happiness in life has been an illusion. I was pretty content until I realized how fucked up things were around me. Its getting better though. itll take some time.

theimage13
12-15-2011, 06:32 AM
Right now: suck. All years below are in reference to that Christmas:
2007: Grandpa has a "minor" stroke; hospitalized for a few days before coming home.
2008: Fine.
2009: Hospitalized again for heart issues.
2010: Fine.
2011: I'm paranoid as fuck, and sure enough, I get a call last night saying he's in the hospital. Thankfully, a little over two hours later, I find out it's another mini-stroke, and that he's in good spirits and he'll be home again within a day.

I haven't had a breakdown like this in a long time. I wasn't planning on seeing my girlfriend last night, but thankfully, she made time. I hadn't told her about my paranoia about the odd-year pattern, and when I tried to explain it last night, I got three words out before I got so choked up that I couldn't even talk. Now I'm just a mess, because it's another eye-opener that my grandpa doesn't have much time left, and there's a good chance I'll be on a tour thousands of miles away when it's time to say goodbye.

icklekitty
12-15-2011, 07:02 AM
Your years seem to go in the opposite direction to mine. Odds are always good for me, but evens are awful.

Halo Infinity
12-15-2011, 07:17 PM
As of now, life is yet another weird and incredibly confusing combination of both, but I'm still trying to hang in there. :p

sublimaze
12-15-2011, 08:38 PM
I am a Buddhist, so my view of life is perhaps a bit odd to some but I generally love life. Because the opposite is death.

Buddha said that death is the best guru: It reminds you that life is temporary.

As a Buddhist, I also believe in Karma and reincarnation, and I believe that we are "here" as a learning experience and it is up to us to make the best of everything and to learn the lessons from what is given us. It's our job to figure it out.

Yes, it's hard to swallow. For example, in Sublimaze's situation. But, we can look at David's* situation as a burden, or as a gift, or as just life. I feel for Sublimaze and her husband, but I mostly worry for David; this is, ultimately, his life. And I have hope for him.

Ugh, sorry, I sound like Deepak Choprah.

edit: *Sublimaze's son

Thank you. I worry much more about David than I do about myself. Right now he's just happy in his own little world, but that can't last.

halloween
12-18-2011, 04:52 PM
well i don't understand myself sometimes. i've had a pretty stressful end of the semester, but classes are over. So anyways, today i slept in, had nothing nothing nothing to do. I still got up pretty early, i cleaned the kitchen, took photos, and just relaxed in general. My eye twitch was completely gone, so I thought that was a good sign. Anyways, took a nap, woke up rather abruptly due to my cellphone buzz, which ALWAYS gives me a heart attack/adrenaline rush, because it's what i use for my alarm, but this was just a text. So i tried going back to sleep but was just half awake, so i had a weird daydream turned negative, my brain kind of drifted AGAINST MY WILL- into a mini nightmare where NDAA and SOPA had passed.

It's been about 40 minutes since that happened, my heart hasn't really stopped racing and my eye is twitching like fucking crazy. But rationally, i'm perfectly calm. I feel a bit disconnected about what's really going. I did a little crying at one point, but anyways everything in my head is exploding a little, it's taking all my energy to not write or even think actually, about everything i have to do and WHEN. I feel like i'm experiencing anxiety in it's most isolated form (meaning there's nothing REAL that triggered it, besides my phone perhaps, it's like it triggered itself.)

Anyways, just had to let that out. I can't even focus on music right now, so straaaaaange.

Halo Infinity
09-13-2013, 10:55 PM
It's still confusing and it sometimes doesn't make sense, especially now that I've gone over that phases where I thought I knew more than I did in my late teens and early 20s. I could've done without it altogether though. There is something about humility that actually makes life easier to bear, and easier to comprehend though, in spite of its complexities and unpredictable surprises that sometimes have little to no explanation. I also still wonder why I'm here. (I have a feeling that we all tend to do that at some points in our lives.)

I'll also make sure to have a no holds barred approach to my ego too. It's one tricky motherfucker. :confused: :eek: :p

MrsMeowMeow
09-14-2013, 05:40 AM
life itself could be great, but people make it shitty for each other.

dlb
09-14-2013, 05:50 AM
And especially for themselves. It's not funny how much worries and doubts have infected our societies and it's a bitch to get out of that mindest once you've lived it for too long. It's sneaky and hits you over the head when you need it the least, but I keep it with Kris: Hang in there folks! Things will work out in the end and ultimately most of it doesn't matter anyways or will be forgotten in time.

Halo Infinity
09-14-2013, 10:16 AM
I hope this doesn't sound so off-base to those that don't see it this way, but I'm sometimes thoroughly convinced that having an increased understanding and awareness of your family history and childhood, and perhaps most of your adolescent years can actually help you see and know why and how you are the way you are, and what you could and should look for in terms of what you'd want to get out of life. I think if done right, with whatever variables and factors falling into the right place, there's a chance that it could even help you find your ultimate purpose and calling, while also increasing it.

I'll also admit that I've been guilty of dwelling on the past, but I'm also convinced that you can learn a lot of stuff from it as means to improve your preset and future while making amends as you take life day by day. (Which is ironic as I still sometimes forget to do that, despite how many times I've considered it before, but I suppose that's just human nature after all.)

dlb
09-14-2013, 10:39 AM
It's all about cultivating positive habits and not focusing on the shit! The times my life has been pretty damn awesome so far definitely surpass the times it's been shitty and I should be grateful for that. That is something I'm still learning, especially right now when things are not too bright. You are the creator of your well being and while that may sound too esoteric for some it's all about caring in the right places and being a bit more dissociate when it comes to your inner turmoils. Catch some breath when the waves come crashing and take your time to actually think not dwell, long or suffer. It's hard, I know, but dropping a bad habit is always hard. And even if it takes you a long time to kick it you might want to develop some good habits that could outshine the others and make you feel great.

Looking at the past can bring out some great solutions for the future but you should not start to dwell on things that once were. I'm also not a fan of thinking my upbringing and family are the sole reason for things being great or bad. It's not that easy and most of it comes from your own mind frame. Developing a stable and affirmative (to get away from the positive/negative, black/white pattern) is what it's all about for me. People look up to me for that very reason and I keep looking up to people who do it better.

There's nothing ironic about knowing and not doing so. That's perfectly human but your goal should be to get going. All of us should do more. Especially the things we like. Knowing about this is the first step to achieve, but it doesn't work if it's the only one you will take.

Halo Infinity
09-14-2013, 10:54 AM
What you said is what I've meant to strive for in a way to, and yes, I also don't think how and why you and your life is what it is solely based on your genetics, lineage either, and family life either, nor should it be. We all still have a choice on how we manage our lives, regardless of the benefits and consequences/burdens that will inevitably occur. (I hope this is what you mean too. That's what I got from it, and have always heard that piece of advice many times. I think and hope that we're on the same page here.)

dlb
09-14-2013, 11:52 AM
Exactly! I was hoping I got my point across. It's difficult sometimes to express some deeper thoughts in another language hence why I rely on posting more superficial stuff on here. :P

I got a friend who's seeing a therapist and he told her that everything that bugs her is due to her family. WTF?, I say! How are the decision my father made and the ones my grandfather made responsible for who I am on a personal level? Of course your environment plays an integral part in building your own character but in no way am I the result of good or bad decisions made by my family or others. Even if that's the case I can still take things in my own hands, do something, try to surround myself with other people or try to reframe my views. The things she's coming home with after seeing that therapist are driving me mad at times. Damn! :D

I am someone who is easily influenced by others. I still won't change my view or doing but I get offended very easily and start to question. I also made the mistake in the past to take advice from people who are clearly not doing better but I was afraid of a "professional" (so to speak) view. I'm glad I got that sorted out and it helped me a great deal to really define a small circle of people of whom I will take advice from and sometimes ask for.

Halo Infinity
10-30-2013, 05:50 PM
I remember Bill Hicks mentioning how life was about being free to do as you're told and to live by and for money, because you literally and figuratively can't go anywhere without it. I also don't mean to impose and views, or to say it's the way for everybody, or what life is always like and about, but listening to him say that was quite the reminder. In other words, it helps remind me why I should really strive, despite my confusion, qualms, and how much I can feel and be out of place.

To me, life has become about survival, and hopefully finding pleasure and happiness with in and elsewhere, and not be a burden, and hopefully remain childless and happy. (As Bill Hicks would've wanted himself, were he to have lived longer.) Which reminds me, I think I'd like to make a Bill Hicks thread some day, with the exception of somebody else beating me to it. I've also thought this way long before I heard of Bill Hicks though, but he just has a way with words. (As any talented comedian should.)

And well, some parts of life are just a meaningless crapshoot to start with. (That is, unless you believe that life has no meaning at all. And not that I'm arguing, I just thought I'd put that out there.)

Pillfred
10-30-2013, 07:05 PM
On the topic of money, a professor once told us, "life is a shit sandwich, the more bread you have the less shit you have to taste."

Halo Infinity
11-02-2013, 10:53 PM
Well, as far as this shit sandwich goes, I'm sure as fuck counting my lucky stars, especially when I consider how much worse it can get. That's also one of my favorite quotes because it's true. What I life I've lead here, and what a way life has lead me. :p

"Well, you know, it could've been worse."

Not that I have it anywhere near "rough", but I'm just taking a moment to be grateful in this crapshoot of an existence that has some order here and there. (To make things hopefully a bit clearer, you can say that antinatalism has moved me to certain extent.) :p

And that's also not to say that I'm trying to state that life is nothing but meaningless suffering either, but I like the case it makes. I just want to be happy and comfortable, and thankful for the chances I still have in this world while they're still there.

Halo Infinity
12-10-2013, 03:28 PM
As I get older, I'm obviously seeing more reasons as to why I should grow a thicker skin. I'm still trying to hang in there, in spite of becoming discouraged due to fear and depression. I'd rather not be afraid of life, but I've been accustomed to that mentality for quite some time in spite of my faults and blunders. No wonder why most people say you should deal with your problems head on as much as possible, since running and hiding doesn't always work, or even never works. I'm also still trying to find my niche, wherever that might be. I should also never forget just how difficult being a good person and a productive person can be. I'm amazed at how ironically lose focus on that, since they're clearly among life's ultimate purposes. I'm just hoping to somehow make it, although, no wonder why it's hard when I ever have a hard time finding my self-worth.

playwithfire
12-10-2013, 10:04 PM
I'm incredibly sensitive. Sometimes it sucks. But like... I don't want to have to put walls up, you know?

Halo Infinity
12-10-2013, 11:45 PM
I've been there many times myself, so I might have some kind of idea. It's even worse when it makes you feel far too vulnerable and ashamed to even ask for help. It makes me wish I had all the strength and intelligence to just figure out everything on my own. It seems like we might have this very same thing in common, by a lot.

Fixer808
12-11-2013, 12:58 AM
My job is done for the season, now I need a new one to pay January's rent, or I'll have to ravage the money I've been setting aside to go to Spain in the spring. :/

Halo Infinity
12-15-2013, 01:45 AM
Even when things seem okay, it also seems like I was always afraid of life and looking bad in one way or another. I often think that the less mistakes I make, the happier and more comfortable I'd be. I've been told that's far from the truth though, and I've been accustomed to think that way for a long time. Believing in myself, loving myself, and living with myself isn't always as easy as I'd like it to be. My constant fear of being wrong, conflict, looking bad, getting hurt, and getting in trouble was always with me, even when I'm all by myself, and nothing bad has happened, or will happen. It's clearly related and connected to my fear of failure as well.

However, I think that's why it has to be much different for people that have found a career that they've absolutely loved, since it would be as if they were born for that specific niche, and if they're proficient at what they're doing, they'd most likely never have anything to lose. This is not that say that it makes challenges, disappointments, and all sorts of pains vanish altogether, but there is always a huge difference between doing something to get by, and then doing something to get by while loving it at the same time.

I still just hope to find my niche, or whatever purpose I have in life, other than to survive and hopefully seek and obtain pleasure and happiness.

On the other hand... I'm still trying to be okay with myself. I suppose it could be one of those things that only end at death. :p

ibanez33
12-16-2013, 06:21 AM
...When we hear that suicide rates jump during the holidays, it's easy to believe it. Especially if you've ever spent a Christmas drunk and alone, tearing up as you sit in your apartment and watch your favorite Christmas movie from childhood (Die Hard). (http://www.cracked.com/article_16241_the-6-most-frequently-quoted-bullsh2At-statistics_p2.html?utm_source=facebook&utm_medium=fanpage&utm_campaign=new+article&wa_ibsrc=fanpage)

Cracked knows me too well.

playwithfire
12-16-2013, 08:45 AM
I spent Christmas sorta alone last year. I went out to Long Island and saw The Hobbit in 3D and smoked pot with my friend Mike. And I'm glad I did SOMETHING. But it still suckkkkeeed to not celebrate Christmas with anyone. It's Christmas. Going back home this year.

Fixer808
12-16-2013, 05:02 PM
Good! I try to every year, but I don't have to go that far. I think I only missed it once or twice since moving to the city in '99.

Halo Infinity
12-18-2013, 12:22 PM
I suppose I just need to focus more on sorting out some, or even a lot of personal issues and aspects of my life in order to get it together. Perhaps I'll be more secure, contented, and happy once I get those things out of the way with some diligence, patience, and self-control. Anyway, it's been a rather enjoyable stay here, at ETS, in spite of some awkward moments here and there.

And with all that said, Merry Christmas/Happy Holidays Echoing The Sound, and a Happy New Year too.

Dra508
12-18-2013, 08:18 PM
Last day of being a teenager today. A decade ago I was in Year 4, so it's weird to look back over the past years and see how much I've changed. It'll definitely an introspective & thoughtful kind of day today.

I gotta say, your posts this year have been real mature, I totally forgot you were a teen. Welcome to the twenties- awesomely fun decade. Grab it hard and enjoy!

Halo Infinity
12-29-2013, 01:54 AM
This looks like it could go into either The Mental Health or Work thread, but it seems to fit into this topic more. At this point, I'm definitely convinced that having a job that you really love doing is one of the ways to find your ultimate purpose and meaning in life. I'm not saying that it'll give you all the answers, but it appears to be one of the biggest answers in life. As for me, I sometimes still wonder why I'm here, but for now, it's been more about survival than any actual love or interest to do anything, and it has been that way with me for all my life.

I'm also realizing more and more why timing is everything. ADHD along with other mental and emotional issues has blinded me from seeing that, or caused me lots of denial. Things would've also been a lot different for the better if I knew more about what I wanted to do with my life as opposed to what I wouldn't want to do with it.

*I also really need more foresight in life. My hindsight is working just fine, but that's unfortunately when it's far too late to fix and/or undo things.*

Halo Infinity
05-22-2014, 12:31 AM
Life just seems to be okay for the most part, although I still have to work on my patience. Realizing more and more as to how little I know, and how wrong I've been has also helped cleared things up for me, although I still associate being wrong with fear, shame, and depression. (Not to turn this into a mental health post, but it seemed to belong in this thread more.) But on the bright side, I've noticed that the blow of being wrong gradually softens as I get older. It's helped me cope with life's downs so far, and I hope to get over more my hang-ups with being wrong.

However, I still like being wrong about bad things though, as I could never go wrong with that, ironically. And well, as long as I'm not less than okay, that's good enough for me.

Swykk
05-22-2014, 05:43 PM
Update: Sucks worse than usual.

Conan The Barbarian
05-22-2014, 07:09 PM
Its odd, promotion, new place. But I'm lonely as all fuck.

All my boys have gf so they completely withdrew contact from me.

Been given the brother zone treatment to a woman who declined my offer to be her partner. Another circumstance where I invest in real emotion and let down.

I'm just lonely. I feel ugly, I feel undesirable.

On top I'm trying to get another band going since my drummer had a kid and had to sell his kit. Drummers are hard to find.

So yea a few good things and a few bad. Just meh

Halo Infinity
05-28-2014, 01:19 AM
I still can't help but think that the less mistakes I make, and the less regrets I have, the happier I'll be. However, I was always told otherwise, but when I'm in the middle of experiencing the mistakes, or feelings and thoughts of regret, it's still a bit of a downer, even when it's not that serious. I suppose this all just boils down to me needing to find a way to let things go, and to stop taking certain things seriously, literally, and personally.

I'm also still coping with the friends and family that have already drifted apart from me, or have always been separated from me. I was always aware that people came and gone, but I thought that I'd have to wait until my late 20s to mid 30s to start seeing some of the bigger changes in people leaving me for whatever reason as I wasn't always alone by choice. I'm also still amazed that lots of people can drift apart from you under 25. I sometimes forget, but it's certainly a reminder to also just take things one day at a time, as I also have a tendency to think far too many things at once.

Aside from that, I suppose life is still just fine, yet confusing, or even empty, as some things will never be answered, completed, or solved, but as the cliche states, that really is just life sometimes. It's also a constant struggle and conflict of not just doing good, but being good, since I believe that goodness is also based on what you think and what you feel, and for somebody like me, thoughts and emotions aren't always easy to control, and they don't always lead to the best of actions and motives. I also seem to have been shaped by some antinatalist and hedonist views, which have also lead me to want to clear my mind whenever I got inundated by such thoughts.

I turns out that I had those types of thoughts long before I even knew what antinatalism and hedonism were. And well, that's just me and life in a nutshell. I just try to be grateful for what I got, and for what bad things didn't happen to me as a means to move on, and hopefully gain happiness, security, confidence, humility, insight, and comfort. Either way, it always could be worse.

Halo Infinity
06-24-2018, 08:53 PM
While life has always been confusing to me, I think this is the most confused I've ever been so far. A lot of my mind has changed more than I expected it to, even though I'm often pretty much the same person. In regards to the thread title, sometimes it actually does make life suck, but it can also make life awesome depending on what it is. (In some cases, I think the confusion is also fueled by loneliness and isolation by circumstance if not necessarily choice.)

I know change is constant and inevitable, and that starting over is just a part of life, but it still blows my mind sometimes because some things just seemed so right and true to me, as if I got it all permanently figured out on some level, but then it's back to the old drawing board again. It's also sometimes still overwhelming to learn about just how little I know after each decade passes. (And to think that it's almost the 2020s already.)

miss k bee
07-14-2018, 06:50 PM
Sucked this week as my Dad was in hospital with an infection and dehydration. Thankfully home now, but a stressful week. Didn't know delirium is a common side effect of infections and hospital stays in the elderly.

Was discharged on Saturday and readmitted on Sunday with weakness and low BP. Thankfully out now with support and off BP meds for now. A tough two weeks, so tired.

Lunatica
07-30-2018, 02:00 AM
Sucks

chuckrh
07-30-2018, 05:37 AM
sucks. i'm wore out.

Boots
07-31-2018, 12:25 PM
Life sucks. I think I've just been single too long. I hate it when men treat me like I'm one of their bowling buddies. I'm not a man for God's sake.

ryanmcfly
07-31-2018, 01:02 PM
Sucks. I hate money and credit. I wish public education and my parents did a better job of preparing me for that aspect of life

elevenism
07-31-2018, 01:54 PM
I don't think LIFE sucks.
MY life sucks and continues to devolve and it's all my fucking fault.

I would describe the situation in detail but it would be too embarrassing and I would be judged too much.

I will say this: I basically don't HAVE a life and feel like it ended about 3 years ago and now I'm just sitting here till I die.

My current dilemmas are also the reason why I'm here so much and post too (?) much.

Like 98% of my life is tv and ets. :/

But again, it's ALL MY FAULT.

LIFE iTSELF is fucking amazing.

Steven
07-31-2018, 04:46 PM
I don't think LIFE sucks.
MY life sucks and continues to devolve and it's all my fucking fault.

I would describe the situation in detail but it would be too embarrassing and I would be judged too much.

I will say this: I basically don't HAVE a life and feel like it ended about 3 years ago and now I'm just sitting here till I die.

My current dilemmas are also the reason why I'm here so much and post too (?) much.

Like 98% of my life is tv and ets. :/

But again, it's ALL MY FAULT.

LIFE iTSELF is fucking amazing.


"And I've only got myself to blame. And I've only got myself to BLAME!" - very relatable lyric for you and me

Louie_Cypher
07-31-2018, 04:59 PM
i think it is all perspective there have been times in my life when (on paper) probably not the right term but i will use it, anyways i should have been extremely happy but still felt unfulfilled and something was missing and unhappy. every morning i take 10 minutes centering and defining my place in the now at this point in time i guess you could call it meditation or Fripp defines it as morning sitting doesn't have to have a name but during this time I say out loud 5 things i am thankful for at that moment it helps to keep perceptive and hopefully semi frame my day
-Louie

elevenism
07-31-2018, 05:29 PM
"And I've only got myself to blame. And I've only got myself to BLAME!" - very relatable lyric for you and meDUDE!
Holy shit. I was just about to post that in the NIN lyrics that describe your current mood thread.

ryanmcfly
08-03-2018, 08:11 AM
Sucks even harder. Looks like I may have put a huge delay in my career. I want to be a teacher, but i didnt get a certification in college because my major (Rehab Studies) was way different than Political Science or History. And my GPA sucked. The requirement to get into a secondary certification program in Texas is a 2.5 graduating GPA or 2.5 in your last 60 hours. I've taken some Post Bacc courses but my last sixty hours is definitely not a 2.5. Also, my graduating GPA was a 2.491. I'm going to try to retake a couple courses I got a D in, but I'm not sure if the grade replacement will work. I'm going to need to call the certification program's office to figure out what I need to do. It just really sucks right now, because I would have to take so many courses to get a last 60 hour GPA of a 2.5. Oh well. I suppose it's all my fault.

Louie_Cypher
08-03-2018, 09:31 AM
again i think it's important to maintain a healthy perspective be willing to forgive yourself and move on. if you dindn't hurt anyone. recognize that you've made a mistake. admit that you've made a bad decision. and given the opportunity again you would make a different decision that would lead to a more positive outcome. i find keeping a journal can be great to review your decisions and their resulting outcomes. i've even gone do far as to keep a work journal so at the end of the week i can review what I've done and if there is anything i need to adjust or change holy shit i spent 2 hours posting on ETS!! it's tough at first but soon becomes habit. i think developing an honest internal dialogue is healthy and positive. i think writing everyday like reading. has good long term cognitive effects.
-Louie

Pillfred
08-04-2018, 01:16 AM
again i think it's important to maintain a healthy perspective be willing to forgive yourself and move on. if you dindn't hurt anyone. recognize that you've made a mistake. admit that you've made a bad decision. and given the opportunity again you would make a different decision that would lead to a more positive outcome. i find keeping a journal can be great to review your decisions and their resulting outcomes. i've even gone do far as to keep a work journal so at the end of the week i can review what I've done and if there is anything i need to adjust or change holy shit i spent 2 hours posting on ETS!! it's tough at first but soon becomes habit. i think developing an honest internal dialogue is healthy and positive. i think writing everyday like reading. has good long term cognitive effects.
-Louie

All of this. I journal sporadically, I have a few note books full and a bunch of shit typed up on my laptop. This being over like the last 15 or so years. I'll long periods where i don't, but it's a good way to get things out. I've countless pages of shit i typed up and deleted, as means of a sort of purging, after a long term relationship ended a few years back. Imo it's similar to talking to someone about whatever may be on your mind. That and it's interesting to see how your thought process plays out. The forgiving of oneself and being open to the idea of change is a real motherfucker though. However it does seem to be a real possibility. If rather daunting, baby steps and all.

@elevenism (http://www.echoingthesound.org/community/member.php?u=2475) I agree, sometimes we can be our worst enemy. But at least you can see some beauty in teh chaos.

dedevoce
08-04-2018, 11:47 AM
Sucks even harder. Looks like I may have put a huge delay in my career. I want to be a teacher, but i didnt get a certification in college because my major (Rehab Studies) was way different than Political Science or History. And my GPA sucked. The requirement to get into a secondary certification program in Texas is a 2.5 graduating GPA or 2.5 in your last 60 hours. I've taken some Post Bacc courses but my last sixty hours is definitely not a 2.5. Also, my graduating GPA was a 2.491. I'm going to try to retake a couple courses I got a D in, but I'm not sure if the grade replacement will work. I'm going to need to call the certification program's office to figure out what I need to do. It just really sucks right now, because I would have to take so many courses to get a last 60 hour GPA of a 2.5. Oh well. I suppose it's all my fault.

FYI: Typically, either the grad replaces the old one or is averaged with the previous grade. The registrar's office or your advisor would know what the policy is for your school. I'm not sure of all of the teacher certification laws in Texas (I'm in Louisiana), but have you checked on working in a charter school until you pass the certification tests? With a good resume, you can sometimes get a foot in the door of a charter or private school with a GPA over 2.0, which you have. Also I KNOW some of my former Texas students have been able to get through with stories like yours. Hit me up in PM if you ever want help searching. Awesome career choice, dude. Good luck!!!! <3

Louie_Cypher
08-04-2018, 11:57 AM
i would also go so far as to state that journaling does to reinforce the benefits of positive synchronicity i do think there is something to writing down your goals to more from the ether of thought to the physical world. i won't endorse some like the " the secret" but last i checked paper and pencils and paper are cheap, if if that puts you on the path to being a billionaire, just remember where you heard it.
-louie

katara
08-04-2018, 02:00 PM
Life is so hard right now. I feel like I'm going nowhere. I didn't know what I wanted to grow up to be. Still have no idea. Never had any goals, just drifted through life, directionless.

Regardless of the job or project, I see virtually no return for my efforts, no matter how much I put in. Every waking hour is spent working. I feel drained all the time, yet I am expected to be on the ball 24/7. Money is a constant worry. This age of the Internet, where everyone has a little cardboard box to stand on and scream their 'content' is *impossible* to thrive in.

My 'friends' from school, university, and various other places since dropped me as soon as it was convenient. Haven't heard a whisper from any of them in years. Attempts to get in contact have been met with a stone wall. It's not like we didn't get along at the time. I suppose they only became friends due to the mutual situation, and never really cared. The silver lining is that I don't need to care about them, either.

Relationships within my family are strained. There is one person who has decided to have a (rather petty but no less damaging) personal vendetta against me. Another person who I love dearly recently moved to another country permanently. My parents look at me with sad eyes, and wonder what they did wrong. I have had to learn to keep my mouth shut, as almost everything I say is misunderstood as aggression. Talking about my problems is met with anything but comfort. So, I only communicate in a very basic way with them.

The one grandparent I have left is dying. I have prepared myself for the inevitable phone call, but I worry it will destroy me nevertheless.

I feel like I completely missed out on being a teenager. I was more interested in being in the comfort of my own home than partying. The rest of the time was spent with my head down studying. The same was true during my university years. I never went to the pub, never had sex, never took any risks. Even at this stage in my life, I have no desire to seek out a partner. Looking at where everyone else is now, they're all settled down with spouses and/or kids. I didn't even step into square one. The thought of bringing up a screaming pink blob revolts me. To be honest, I am convinced that I would snap its neck.

I hate myself. This body, this face, this voice. I wish it would all disappear. I wanted to be the opposite sex years ago, but back then, it was taboo. Now it seems it's all the rage, but too much time has passed. It's too late for me. I am what I am. Dysphoria is perpetual.

Depression is a constant factor that just never goes away. Thankfully thoughts of suicide have mostly died down. At this point I'm just tired and don't care about anything anymore. Nothing matters. Everything is ephemeral. Everything will be forgotten.

The saddest thing is, I haven't been this happy in years.

AThousandDaysBefore
08-04-2018, 02:37 PM
Life is nice, people are not.

elevenism
08-04-2018, 02:54 PM
Life is so hard right now. I feel like I'm going nowhere. I didn't know what I wanted to grow up to be. Still have no idea.Never had any goals, just drifted through life, directionless.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NofWFKSMiM4
Dig this @katara (http://www.echoingthesound.org/community/member.php?u=2232) .
@Pillfred (http://www.echoingthesound.org/community/member.php?u=393) , oh, I SEE beauty everywhere. And I'm not constantly miserable. It's just that I'm not LIVING really, not by societal standards. That being said, I'm goddamn lucky that my family is well off or I might be on the streets.

Basically I came up here with my wife to take care of my mom. It was great at first, after years of struggling, but it soured after about a year.
Then I broke my back. Now I'm fucking disabled and addicted to painkillers, in a town of 2000 people.
I have whatever I want/need, and a lot of people would kill to be in this situation, just fixing a few meals and running errands now and then for room and board, but not really ACHIEVING anything, EVER, starts to fuck with you.

Breaking my fucking back at 35 is the worst of it (hence the "3 years ago" bit.)
Now it's hard to see a way out, PLUS, my mom TOTALLY expects me to be here till she dies and she's only fucking SIXTY, hahaha.

But I'm gonna figure SOMETHING out and I AM addressing the addiction soon.

There. That's basically my "tale of ennui." That's not TOO embarrassing I guess.

dedevoce
08-04-2018, 11:57 PM
Saw this Simpsons clip and it reminded me of this thread. So maybe the moral is that life is hard so we can make art out of barbecues. :rolleyes:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jx6uTTODrCM

playwithfire
08-05-2018, 08:26 AM
I feel like I completely missed out on being a teenager. I was more interested in being in the comfort of my own home than partying. The rest of the time was spent with my head down studying. The same was true during my university years. I never went to the pub, never had sex, never took any risks.

Hey, fwiw, while I don't relate to the following bit about settling down/babies (because noooooope, not for me) I relate to this part HARD.

I was homeschooled and then went to a pretty focused school, and then worked a lot. I never had the like... party and hook up experiences in my teens or early twenties that so many of my peers did, and I deeply relate to envying folks who have/did. I think some tiny party of me is still bitter about it. I guess a nicer way to look at it is that I missed out on what would have been some really awkward hookups, since the small quantity of encounters I did have pre-22 (and then I spent for 4 years in a relationship, wheeee) were mostly awkward as heck. I didn't know how to talk to people when it came to that kind of stuff and I was clueless about people being into me. Maybe those two things are still kinda true, but I'm better at it than I used to be for sure.

Re: dysphoria, while I can't speak from experience, I wouldn't say it's too late for you. I know people who've had similar worries who then had a lot of joy when they chose to move forward with gender-confirming stuff.

Swykk
08-05-2018, 12:21 PM
Update: still sucks no matter how hard I climb and fight. Seems like all I do is survive, which while I give myself credit for doing so, it would be nice to thrive for once.

Louie_Cypher
08-05-2018, 01:24 PM
i think it's important to live in and sense for the moment I know a lot of people to meticulously plan ever aspect of their life only to hit one speed bump and sink into depression and feel they failed a very good and wise sensie sorry for the spelling their are people with a natural gift for something in this case martial arts who have to work hard at everyday and others who it just happens for without much effort both will face a wall a some point, the one who has had to work this will be business as usual for the "natural" this will probably be new and unusual territory and a much larger obstacle to overcome. so people i mentor let me rephrase that seek my advise am i some wise old know it all ass, by no means and hope i don't come across that way although i do mouth off on this board a bit. i hope i am always learning listening and improving. look I've seen a bit for my 53 years on this rock i do like to offer any insight in to difficulties i have faced, in hopes that it can be easier for them .
-louie

ryanmcfly
08-06-2018, 08:13 AM
FYI: Typically, either the grad replaces the old one or is averaged with the previous grade. The registrar's office or your advisor would know what the policy is for your school. I'm not sure of all of the teacher certification laws in Texas (I'm in Louisiana), but have you checked on working in a charter school until you pass the certification tests? With a good resume, you can sometimes get a foot in the door of a charter or private school with a GPA over 2.0, which you have. Also I KNOW some of my former Texas students have been able to get through with stories like yours. Hit me up in PM if you ever want help searching. Awesome career choice, dude. Good luck!!!! <3

Thanks. I needed that. I'm going to contact the alternative certification program i was going to try today to see how that works on their end. Need to get this figured out soon because my wife is applying for vet school and if she gets in, she starts in Fall 2019.

elevenism
08-06-2018, 09:13 PM
Thanks. I needed that. I'm going to contact the alternative certification program i was going to try today to see how that works on their end. Need to get this figured out soon because my wife is applying for vet school and if she gets in, she starts in Fall 2019.
Also it could be worse.
Nursing was my passion. I would also like to be a counselor or a teacher.

But, HEY, I got charged with a (not very violent) violent crime and all that shit is out the window.

I mean I could get the fucking degree and try to explain myself to the employer (it was ten years ago, it didn't happen like they said, etc) but it would be a fucking crap shoot at best.

Sarah K
08-06-2018, 11:29 PM
Sucks even harder. Looks like I may have put a huge delay in my career. I want to be a teacher, but i didnt get a certification in college because my major (Rehab Studies) was way different than Political Science or History. And my GPA sucked. The requirement to get into a secondary certification program in Texas is a 2.5 graduating GPA or 2.5 in your last 60 hours. I've taken some Post Bacc courses but my last sixty hours is definitely not a 2.5. Also, my graduating GPA was a 2.491. I'm going to try to retake a couple courses I got a D in, but I'm not sure if the grade replacement will work. I'm going to need to call the certification program's office to figure out what I need to do. It just really sucks right now, because I would have to take so many courses to get a last 60 hour GPA of a 2.5. Oh well. I suppose it's all my fault.

While I don't work in admissions, I do work in higher education, and I would suggest a couple of things.

First, get in touch with the college that you want to attend. Ask them what their policy is when your GPA is that close to the cutoff. There has been a recent transition in higher education where they review applications "holistically", and unless you're looking to get into a super top-tier school, most of them will tell you to address previous poor performance and grades in your admissions essay or to put it in an addendum. The longer ago it was, the better. I recently got into a really good and selective graduate program, and I had to address my shit grades the first time I went to college in my application. My first term in college (15 years ago), I had a 1.187. Terrible. But this last time I went to college, I had pretty decent grades. Nothing spectacular, but slightly below a 3.3.

If they seem to be holding firm on the 2.5, then look at a couple of community colleges and see if there are any courses there that would fulfill what you need to retake. It will save you a hell of a lot of money. Retake a couple that you KNOW you can excel in, and that should be enough to get you over the 2.5. Hell, even one A should put you above a 2.5, I would think.

Universities aren't as strict as they present themselves to be, and they do offer a little wiggle room. Work with someone to make sure that your admissions essay and addendum are AMAZING. People underestimate the value of those essays.

I wish you luck. I just finally finished my undergraduate degree, 15 years after I graduated high school, and all of the students I work with are also adults coming back to college after a break. I know the stress that comes with it, but if you can find a way to make it work, it will be worth it in the end.

miss k bee
08-12-2018, 12:10 PM
Still sucks. While my Dad was in hospital they somehow missed his low iron count from their blood tests, which was only picked up when I booked an appointment for him to see his doctor. His doctor has now made an urgent referral for my Dad to see GI consultant and have further tests. Very worrying due to his age and the fact he is a long time smoker. Hard times.

Pillfred
08-21-2018, 02:56 PM
Think it's about time I move from this back woods seasonal vacation land where i haven't once even entered the water. In reality the actual city itself some how has not only not changed in the 15 years since i lived here before moving back but has some how seemingly gotten worse. It's due to city politics from what I've heard its as if they don't want growth? I am also currently staying with friends of a friend and while they are super cool and the rent is cheap I've been looking into getting my own place as it's time. I need more than a room with a bed and a desk. That said the rent here, the city not currently, while not high is a bit much for the money I am currently making, doable but it would be tight. With the "off-season" approaching promising a cut in hours when i've barely hit a consistent 40 over the "busy" time, while also being short staffed, does not bode well for my options This coupled with the fact that my '97 intrepid is need need of tires, a tie rod, and brakes by winter if im to not end up in the ditch at some point on the 30 mile round trip i make to work everyday has me thinking that i may be better served moving back across the river to ND. There I have plenty of work options, and the use of public transport and a city that is currently seeing good growth. And shows, I've been to two shows since I've moved here. I don't even think about the ones i have missed, due my shitty car and tight funds. At the same time i did move here to sort of calm my tits a bit as i was getting pretty far off the rails prior to my buddy talking me into coming. I have since gotten my DL back and some things sorted out. I do in a way feel i may be heading back into the belly of the beast, but I also have things, my living/work situation that need sorting out in my life as well like possibly finishing my degree as well other things that the move may help facilitate. Also, i have a lot of friends i haven't seen in the last two years as well. My moms moved back to SD recently as well which was part of why I came so i'd be able to visit her more often as she's getting old. All this I have been kicking around in my head for some time, but the other day one of my old chef's text me out of the blue wondering if i'd be willing to come back and work for him. (this was probably one of my favorite places i've worked at) I've gotten messages from others since being here as well, but at the time i felt i had to repay the kindness i was shown coming here by the roomies and big homie who gave me rides to work while i was working on sorting out my dl stuff. It's since been a year since I've done that and i feel my time here is coming to a close. Like with anything it wont be ideal for anyone involved i imagine on this end or for myself on the other, but I've come to realize that holing up in the woods while beautiful when not staring down a black bear in the middle of the night is certainly not the worst way to spend my time is by far also not the best use of it i could be making.

sinspots
08-21-2018, 04:44 PM
It's f'ing awesome. Sure, everyday is a struggle with job, stress, money, relationships, apathy, sadness, politics, etc. Then sometimes I go for a walk and watch the birds, squirrels (or the bison and that amazing bison reserve!) or get a little further away and get to sit by one of many of Minnesota's gorgeous waterfalls. And, I think to myself, this really is it and what it's about. It's beautiful. We're such a speck of nothing in this grand world. It's an honor to be here for a short time, despite all the crap.

Halo Infinity
09-03-2018, 07:49 AM
Saw this Simpsons clip and it reminded me of this thread. So maybe the moral is that life is hard so we can make art out of barbecues. :rolleyes:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jx6uTTODrCM
I was also reminded of the same exact thing. Now just combine that with wishing and also feeling that you have to fix everything, feeling that you should've also gotten everything right the first time, while also wanting to find a permanent yet safe, sane and secure escape from it all. Even without this thread, it definitely also reminded me of the general struggles and challenges of life.

Bachy
09-08-2018, 05:09 PM
I turned 30 today. Meh....

kel
09-08-2018, 06:34 PM
i gained 30 pounds in 30 days when i turned 30. my metabolism turned its back on me immediately.

anyway, happy birthday.

chuckrh
09-08-2018, 07:50 PM
I turned 30 today. Meh....

the 30s are good. & since you're here, you show very good musical taste for your age group. happy birthday!

chuckrh
09-08-2018, 08:02 PM
in addition to the usual suckiness associated with my all of my joints slowly disintegrating from RA, dealing with a flare up of shingles. i first got it "young" several years ago because they fuck with my immune system during RA treatments. the rash wasn't too bad, small & under my hairline but it affected the nerves in my inner ear causing vertigo & other fun. was unable to work or do much of anything for 2 months. have had a few minor flare ups (once you get shingles it can come back at any time with no warning) but this one is feeling more major. having it hit on the holiday weekend didn't help as i was unable to get on the nasty drugs until tuesday. i can feel a rash trying to come out on my face, around my eye. not good. the drug isn't quite chemo (i have to do that every 4 months) but is no picnic. fingers crossed that i got it in time to prevent something way worse. it's going to be close. that being said, some days i just feel like jumping. i've been battling RA for close to 10 years & the shit has hit the fan this year. i had been trying to keep working until age 60 (2.5 more years) but its becoming increasingly obvious that's not happening. the docs have said no way but i've proven them wrong before. time to lawyer up so i can collect on the long term disability insurance. i really don't want to leave my hated work place in a body bag. maybe without that stress i'll live a bit longer. maybe.

Haysey
09-12-2018, 07:12 AM
One of my last friends got engaged last week, and i'm super happy it finally happened for her (i'm putting together an office card, as we work together, to celebrate and get her an engagement present...a LEGO statue of liberty she's been eyeing since it was released a few months back as a joint engagement and birthday gift) but it also means the last person who had anytime for me anymore (who has struggled to find said time lately, it was a month after my birthday before we did anything...and that was the only thing i did for said birthday) probably won't have said time anymore...and that's really depressing to me. Really happy for her but also really depressed i'll be alone now...

Halo Infinity
09-15-2018, 05:44 PM
dedevoce - I missed my chance to share this clip from The Simpsons in return. That quote sums how it can suck even when things aren't all that bad. It's even more inescapable at night.

And since it's ETS, oh the spoils of a wasted life, indeed. I'm still trying though, but damn. It sometimes keeps on dragging. :p

Come to think of it, and I haven't watched The Simpsons in a while again, but as I get older I definitely find myself relating to that show more and more. It makes it even better since I loved it as a kid anyway.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z_xMZ8s9m4E

Pillfred
09-18-2018, 04:09 PM
So I'm thinking I may the move back to Nodak end of October. I moved here in part to step back from drinking all the time and get out of the hole I put myself in after a few years of pretty much not giving a fuck about shit outside of work. That said it wasn't terrible even though my head space was not the best I still kept perspective. I moved in part to due my buddy getting on me about coming here to get my DL back and calm my tits some. In part that included me moving in with a buddy of his and renting a room from them. This was a great help and they have both been super cool about me being here. They've done this a few times I guess as a way to help with the house payments etc for others. My job while frustrating at times is pretty good overall even if my bosses anxiety gives me anxiety at times. It's been just over two years and I am feeling its time to get my own place and maybe start to build some sort of life other than a kitchen rat no matter the standing or title i have.

To that affect I've have been keeping an eye on apts and such for about the past year at least. This town being a sort of tourist spot has the strange dichotomy of those with the money/those in on the money, and those without. By that I mean you got it, or your working in some fashion to tap into it which gives you a decent income. Meaning the job market is kind of skewed, in my line of work it's feast then famine come winter for the most part. Only even throughout most of summer these last 2 months excluded I've barley been hitting my 40 even though we've been short staffed the entire time. Even with my cheap living situation and general lack of bills it's been tough to save up. It's been better and I may be in line for a salaried spot here soon but honestly I don't think the pay will be what I would want though in a sense I can't really see how it would be worth it to pay what I feel would be fair. That said it may not too bad idk. From what I've heard I can't imagine it would be worth it for me working the added hours. I could be wrong I'll probably find out wed when I get back to work and talk to my boss man. It is what it is. Further rent here while not too expensive is more than I want to pay for what I've seen available, and those are few and far between. There a few slum lords that have decent places but by all accounts they are dirt bags. All this coupled with the fact that this town has effectively not changed in any meaningful fashion in the near 20 years I've been gone is also pretty sad. The whole place is basically shut down by 9pm. Sure it's lakes country and beautiful but I have no toys with which to enjoy such things other than my bike. The work I do keeps me tied up during any sort of events that may be going on anyhow, which is par for the course so whatever.

Contrast that with my last spot where from what I know about Fargo and it's current market I feel as long as I can keep from going down the rabbit hole again would be a better fit. Plenty of apt options and with the contacts and people i know there a comparable job would be easy enough to find with much more potential in the earnings dept. I also wouldn't be driving my shitty car 30 miles a day for work as I could use teh bus system most likely most days. I will say living here working up in white america serving up foods to the lake shore players has helped give me a better perspective than spending my time with kids and home bums downtown like I was. In a strange way it's given me a desire to own a dresser, no joke. I've gotten about as minimalist as i care to get and I've started to think that maybe owning furniture etc is something that I would to have a go at. I'm sure now that I'm old I'm having to face facts and get some sort of plan in place before i fall apart.

I've ran the numbers and given this a fair bit of thought pretty much since i came here. Not driving so far everyday would save me about 200$ a month alone, besides plenty of places cheaper and nicer for less money than what I would pay moving out of where i am. Which regardless if i leave or stay I have to do as I can't spend another winter where i am if I don't have too, which I don't. I knew I would stay here for sure for two years mainly to pay back the kindness i got from buddy giving my sorry ass rides to work most days for a year. The same as well as helping the roomies with their bills house work etc. Even at work to some degree after homie took over running the place. It just feel like the time has come for me to get back to living life for myself if I can manage to figure out what that means and how to do so. I am a bit concerned about moving back to the belly of the beast but now that i drive I won't need a place right down town so that will keep me out of this shit 24/7 like i was doing for a few years. That and i have a lot people i haven't been able to see since coming here and outside the my homie and a few other people I know here and the work freinds I've made I haven't made too many actual friends here. My moms no longer live's in B-town just north of here but back in SD now as well. All in all I feel like a move back would put me in closer range to my actual family that lives there also. For that matter I could move there as well but I don't want to fully uproot again unless I'm going to move maybe to someplace entirely new which at this point I don't feel I should. I've made a decent mess of some things over the years and it's time grow up some and sort this shit out. The possibility of going back to finish my degree is also part of this. Even if I have to do one class at a time. I only have about 25-30 credits left.

I just had to get this out there in some meaningful fashion outside of my journal scribbles, what few people I've talked to about this so far.

ton
09-25-2018, 09:58 AM
Is this the right place to post this? I'm not sure.

I have trouble getting motivation to exercise lately. I feel too depressed most days because of stressful situations happening currently. It feels like a weight on my back when I try to exercise with depression... not sure how to explain it. Anyone deal with this too? I don't want to slip into a bad habit.

Halo Infinity
10-21-2018, 06:23 AM
When life sucks it seems like it can be ultimately narrowed/boiled down to feeling like you're better off not existing and/or feeling like you're just existing. It still sometimes hits me every now and then.

ryanmcfly
11-05-2018, 04:22 PM
Sucks. My Great Grandmother passed away on friday. She was 98. She was an amazing lady. I was really close to her. I'm going to be a pallbearer at her funeral. Idk if I'm going to be able to keep myself composed.

She had a few children like my grandmother and my aunt. There's always kind of been a sibling rivalry between the two, but my aunt has gone off the rocker and stirred up a bunch of unnecessary bullshit family drama. It's frustrating because my Nana would be pissed right now about it. Plus my aunt took my Nana to vote for fucking Ted Cruz a week or two ago. asdfajsdhfalsdhflaksdhflakjsdhflaksjdfasdfasdfasdf a

Halo Infinity
12-23-2018, 12:23 AM
As of right now, it's a combination of "Could be better."/"What am I doing with my life?"/"All right. Fine. I just want to get this over with."/Oh okay. Maybe things aren't so bad sometimes, but still. Like, really now?"

But other than that, it's times like these where I need to remind myself to just relax, enjoy the rest of the holidays and just hope for a better upcoming year. This decade also went by so fast for me.

elevenism
12-23-2018, 02:10 AM
I'll tell you one thing: it's fucking RIVETING. It's fucking INTENSE.

miss k bee
12-26-2018, 09:53 AM
Crap year. Dad admitted to hospital twice this year. First time in July with a UTI and dehydration and then again in September with what turned out to be a hospital acquired infection (C.diff) from the first admission. Had to give up work to look after him. Six weeks in a rehab care home and then three days before discharge memory doctor diagnoses Parkinsons Dementia. Its been tough but just about managing him at home. Applying for more homecare support next month.

elevenism
12-26-2018, 08:01 PM
Sorry miss k bee . That's rough cut. :/

Mantra
12-27-2018, 02:57 PM
Crap year. Dad admitted to hospital twice this year. First time in July with a UTI and dehydration and then again in September with what turned out to be a hospital acquired infection (C.diff) from the first admission. Had to give up work to look after him. Six weeks in a rehab care home and then three days before discharge memory doctor diagnoses Parkinsons Dementia. Its been tough but just about managing him at home. Applying for more homecare support next month.

So sorry to hear about this.

My grandmother has had severe dementia for over two years now and it's been one of the toughest things I've ever gone through. My grandfather is her primary caretaker and I'm kind of his main backup. I'm there helping probably 3 or 4 evenings during the week and then a whole bunch on the weekends. My aunt and my mom also help out quite a bit too.

My number one main bit of advice would be to take good care of yourself. Seriously, "caretaker burnout" is a very real thing. Taking care of someone with dementia can be such a physically and emotionally draining experience. So definitely seek out any and all resources you can from the state, family and friends, whatever. Anything that makes your life easier, do it. And never forget to take time for yourself and do something you enjoy.

3knic
12-29-2018, 10:59 PM
Life is pretty awesome right now, although insanely busy. Had 3 Christmas's in 3 days, had my first child on 12/27 (already have 2 step kids, so not new to the dad thing) and 12/29 was me and my wife's anniversary. I'm walking into 2019 like [emoji41][emoji2962][emoji42]

miss k bee
12-31-2018, 05:43 PM
So sorry to hear about this.

My grandmother has had severe dementia for over two years now and it's been one of the toughest things I've ever gone through. My grandfather is her primary caretaker and I'm kind of his main backup. I'm there helping probably 3 or 4 evenings during the week and then a whole bunch on the weekends. My aunt and my mom also help out quite a bit too.

My number one main bit of advice would be to take good care of yourself. Seriously, "caretaker burnout" is a very real thing. Taking care of someone with dementia can be such a physically and emotionally draining experience. So definitely seek out any and all resources you can from the state, family and friends, whatever. Anything that makes your life easier, do it. And never forget to take time for yourself and do something you enjoy.

Thanks. I have sort of come to terms with it now that this is Dad Version 2.0. We have carers coming in three times a day for personal care but from next month have to register with another care agency to increase the care package and sort out all the legal and financial stuff. Luckily my Dad was mainly ok settled over Christmas. Its a tough road.

chuckrh
12-31-2018, 05:45 PM
Thanks. I have sort of come to terms with it now that this is Dad Version 2.0. We have carers coming in three times a day for personal care but from next month have to register with another care agency to increase the care package and sort out all the legal and financial stuff. Luckily my Dad was mainly ok settled over Christmas. Its a tough road.

hang in there. went through similar with my dad. always remember to take care of you, too!

Halo Infinity
01-12-2019, 10:56 PM
Life is still leaving me alone, lost and confused, but at least hope and gratitude are still helping me out, so at the very least I still got that to cling onto for dear life itself. It doesn't just give me a reason to wake up in the morning, but at in certain points of my life, it also gives me reasons to be joyful and/or contented.

All I really want in life is just to be happy and healthy and live a full life while having some sort of meaningful purpose to go with gratitude and hope. I'm not trying to be a downer either, but sometimes I really am just surviving more than actually living. (As already admitted in previous posts.)

But yes. Hope and gratitude and in some cases, luck/blessing is all I've got. Remembering to not take things for granted also manages to cheer me up and motivate me to do better day by day even when life sometimes just messes with me and screws me over.

Baphomette
01-12-2019, 11:39 PM
Last year, I decided to jump into the most self-destructive situation I could find because I wanted to feel something other than what I was feeling due to the loss of my four-legged feline kid. And I found it. So, now I'm conflicted... It sucks and it's beyond self-destructive but since I intentionally sought it out, shouldn't be I be thrilled?

botley
02-10-2019, 10:11 AM
My life on balance has been pretty awesome so far. I'd say it's been almost indescribably amazing for most of the past year in particular. I have ups and downs like anyone else, but I consider myself truly fortunate to be making a living doing work that I love, surrounded by people that I love, while also finally having enough security in my own skin to be happy by myself on my own terms. It took some long years and painful times to arrive there, and of course it's a fragile balance to maintain. But I am grateful for what I have and never take it for granted.
Who dis

Halo Infinity
02-15-2019, 09:22 PM
I checked the first post of this thread, and I mistakenly thought that this was about life sucking or being awesome in general. It very well could be, but it also mentioned actual specific events in particular.

Anyway, this would seem to fit here from the looks of it as I always experience this the moment one decade ends and the other decade begins. There has been just a lot of things that just hit simultaneously. From further realizing more and more as to just how little I know in addition to just also realizing that there's just a lot of things for me to unlearn and even relearn, which is still a given since learning is still a very tremendous aspect about life. It's really back to the old drawing board for me whenever a decade ends and another decade begins, and now that I see that I'm going to be 35 in 2020, it forces me to accept that I can't always keep going down certain roads. I know it's a worth in progress as such things like these are, but it really does wake me up and ultimately remind me just how limited time really is and how certain things will be over before you even know it. And while I'm far from being among the oldest here, it really does help me understand just now how useful the advice from older people is, but it really does put it all into perspective in ways I haven't even considered before.

As for the actual events that will take place, it's also seeing just how much time has passed to the point where I'm getting close to be the ages my parents were when they had me, and how short life really is as they say. I'm at the very least trying to be grateful and hope to at the very least just live a decent if not excellent life.

So in some ways, seeing how time can't be taken back does suck, but at the time same understand that I still have to move forward.

I also wanted to say that this decade, the 2010s, has absolutely chewed me up and spit me out and just had me fucked coming and going. Not only did I not know what I was doing, while being way in over my head, but it just added much more regrets for me to die with. If only it never happened, but I got to unfortunately deal with/accept it. Some people can let it go, but for me the bitterness and stinging will always remain as long as I remember it. This is why it also made me take procreation seriously, even long before I knew that the childfree movement and antinatalist philosophy were actual things.

I figured that the least I could do would be to just end it all peacefully with a full/healthy/happy life. But the how is always the the issue. But of course, the how is sometimes just there to also be lived more than anything.

Halo Infinity
04-27-2019, 12:09 AM
It seems like now one of my biggest obstacles and challenges is narrowed down to have a balance between caring too much and not caring at all. It just has to be a product of extreme black-and-white/all-or-nothing mindsets. Just trying not to get too caught up while trying to focus on myself. Aside from being jaded, it's why I'm actually trying to lurk more, at least when I'm actually here. While I keep returning, it's still basically a far-cry of the previous 3 years. The not so relaxing aspects of forums and social media, much to my surprise has caught up with me, but that isn't to say it's no longer fun either. (Although, even that's still a reminder that for obvious and not so obvious reasons that not everything deserves time and attention. It's like I want to do it all, but get inundated in so many thoughts and emotions that I end up dropping everything and just chill.)

Aside from that, life is thankfully just fine for now, but I'm still hoping for things to get better as always. I sometimes just got to run and clear my mind and just unplug and recharge from time to time.

I'm sure I'll still follow NIN more and more for the next decade and beyond, but I just wanted to take a step back from it all, especially for the 2020s. It's crazy, yet normal to see how much has changed/ended so far, but something's still got to give. It also helps me understand why aside from just going cold-turkey, that some people only socialize on the Internet during certain occasions, and no more or less.

Jaguar
05-01-2019, 05:55 PM
This is a really good question.

Life is a mixture. It has its ups and downs. And sometimes the downs are so down they can really rip you apart. Also, it seems like some folks have it easy compared to most of us, and some folks are born into a life of hell. In other word, it rains in every life, but some people live in Seattle.

Because the rough spots do come, you have to appreciate the times of lull, even if they are boring. Boring is good. Boring means there is no drama. Boring means you can relax and smell the roses.

There are so many good things in life, many of them small and taken for granted. Often they are not appreciated until they are taken away. I try to foster an "attitude of gratitude." Each morning when I wake up, the first thing I do is listen to the birds singing outside. Whether it is sunny or cloudy, they sing. To me their songs mean it is a new day filled with hope. I periodically journal, listing all the good things in my life, including the small little things, like that I have a bathroom with a flush toilet. Imagine the hundreds of thousands of years where human beings had to go outside, or simply dumped it out the window! I have clean water to drink. I don't have to pick food out of the trash. Yes, the simple things to be thankful for. Home, family, friends...

Let's talk about happiness. I began listening to Dennis Prager a couple of decades ago, and my favorite segment was the happiness hour. When I first started listening, I was suffering from a major depression. I'm not saying it cured me -- major depression is a biological illness. But it played a part. To a large degree, happiness is a choice. Happiness is not something that is dependent on the circumstances in our lives. It is something we make inside ourselves. We can be happy DESPITE the bad things that occur.

To all that is good, and true, and beautiful...

Haysey
05-10-2019, 03:25 AM
Well...so 3 weeks ago i buried my great uncle, which was pretty fucking awful. But i did get to see family members i otherwise wouldn't have seen and catch up with.
Then over the Easter holiday weekend my phone bricked and i was lost everyone on it, which i could have done without to be honest, then got locked out of Google for 4 days and couldn't connect anyone (no mobile, no email, no landline). Finally got a new phone last week.
Then last weekend i started getting chest pains and dizzy spells. I called 111 (in the UK it's a non emergency line for advice) who then went and called an ambulance as they thought i was having a heart attack. Short story after several hours in A&E, 2 ECG's and a number of blood pressure tests i wasn't, in fact i'm apparently really healthy for my age, it just might be a muscle issue and a lack of Iron causing the dizzy spells and was advised to rest a few days before i return to work, my line manager was really supportive about it...which then leads to this morning.

First day back since last week and i find out my previously mentioned Line manager had a heart attack and dropped dead yesterday...FUCK. I sat next to him and probably spoke to him the most, he was a really nice guy...just really fucking awful!

ickyvicky
05-10-2019, 09:29 AM
Sorry to hear that :(
Glad you're ok though

Bachy
05-27-2019, 12:38 AM
Well, my girlfriend and I closed on our house on May 10th. And just last week we got engaged, so things are pretty great.

Pillfred
06-23-2019, 10:37 PM
Pretty much decided I'm moving out of this spot to be closer to family basically, and be in a bigger city. Tomorrow i had planned on putting in my two weeks and this morning my current boss offers me a sous spot and a different place. I kind of got the feeling he may have been one foot out. But yeah I've started condensing my shit and gearing up to bounce. Thing is the job doesn't sound too bad. I also kind of believe him, somehow... Anyway it's just like, fuck. Prospects are overall better if I move so I think im gonna go. About 3 weeks ago i got a call from an old chef about maybe working for his cousins balls deep in the woods. I went through the town had no phone service. They finally called me back last Monday. It's like fuck where was this 4 weeks ago. It's like that p.o.s. line, "It's feast or famine. I honestly kind of hate both."

Pillfred
07-03-2019, 11:38 PM
Encountered the worst shit show ever in 20 years of cooking last night. 1st time waking out as well. Bartenders don't tell me shit. Burning my bat shit crazy landlord Friday. About to move in(to) a 2003 Honda Accord. Fucked up thing is it's my best option.
TLDR/ over all the bullshit, about to hate my life

Halo Infinity
07-30-2019, 05:49 PM
I know like self-awareness, acceptance can go a long way, but sometimes realizing how certain things are not only irreparable and irreplaceable one-time deals, and how certain things can also just end at any given time, so much sooner than you'd even not only think, but even know...

It's just sometimes soul-crushing and Earth-shattering... but I'm still trying to find a way out of it. So yes, in a way, that does sometimes make life suck. I just hope to find more solutions to make life awesome though, but still struggle on accepting that there's never a bell-all and end-all quick fix.

Gratitude and taking some solitude and placidity to gain some peace of mind still manages to help me not lose it though, or at the very least, it thankfully also prevents me from bumming out too much.

I understand that it's best to learn from mistakes and what-not, but in hindsight... which is unfortunately 20/20 for me as the saying goes... it just reminds me why you always have to give it your all, whether it's school and/or work to not just get a better life, but to also make life better for your family and friends.

My parents have actually always stressed this with me, including matters concerning physical health, but as a youth, it just went in one ear and out the other.

Uncontrollable variables aside, life truly is what you make it after all, and it seems to make more sense/provide much more clarity as I get older. No wonder why they kept drilling that in my obstinate and ignorant mind from early childhood through the bulk of my 20s.

So help me God, but I at least hope to make enough amends to just improve my quality of life by the time I'm also middle aged and beyond. Even if I don't get my shit 100% together, at least there should be things to somehow make up for it/show for it should I deal the hands I'm dealt with as time passes me by.

So if anything, even if good/great results aren't always guaranteed and promised, if life is what you make it, you got to do your best and do good to get the good and/or best out of life. I see how that's common sense, but being a mere product of my own environment (Especially as somebody that's gotten roped into the wrong crowds all my life.) is incredibly and extremely misleading and even blinding and debilitating, even if just from an emotional and mental perspective and experience.

botley
08-01-2019, 07:38 PM
I'm grateful that there are only five months left to go in this fucking decade.

Mantra
08-01-2019, 08:28 PM
I feel like this decade barely got started a few years back.

And now it's already over? Wtf.

bothersome
08-30-2019, 11:01 AM
at this point I'm so bored with my life that anything could happen and I probably wouldn't care

Magnetic
08-30-2019, 05:27 PM
My life sucks. The government put this into action.
A bank my mother worked for was one of the several banks which were given aid by the federal government after the market crash in 2008. It continued to have difficulties and eventually got sold to another bank at what was considered a fire sale and a lost to investors to the tune of $190+ million. This severely damaged the local communities.

In 2012 there were rumblings that ‘someone ought to do something about the fat-cat bankers who screwed over the common man.’ The government wanted to make a show that they were after the banks that collapsed and hurt the economy. In late 2014, representatives of the federal department of justice approached my mother with a proffer: say that you willingly defrauded the government to hide the bad loans that caused the bank to collapse, and implicate the three higher officers in the bank. For this, you’ll have no fine, and only probation. They further questioned her in a strange way that led her to give testimony that could be misconstrued. She didn’t lawyer up. She should have.
Furthermore, my mother wasn’t going to lie: she always followed the reporting law. She was a good CPA and worked hard. I remember in 2009 she would get up at 5am, and not return home until midnight for weeks on end. My father worked for the IRS at the time; of course she did everything to the letter of the law. She refused the proffer from the DoJ. She is innocent of their accusations. And, according to her account, everyone was following the law and just trying to keep the bank afloat. At no time did anyone try to hide anything from the government about the status of the loans.

In March 2018, it finally went to trial. Media reports would describe an under educated, uninterested jury of eleven women and one man. News articles described how when the rules of loan reporting were explained, one of the jurors seemed completely out to lunch in a daydream elsewhere. This was not a jury of peers. My father recalls one of the jurors glaring at my mother when the defendants walked into the courtroom. This was not an unbiased jury. And how could it have been? All the jurors were selected from the area that was affected the most. There’s news articles of a 90 year old man who said, ‘I don’t care if they’re guilty, but someone’s gotta pay for this.’

My mother could not take the stand due to the things the DoJ manipulated her into saying during the proffer interviews. Taken out of context, which the prosecution was sure to do, what my mother said would be damaging to her. She naively thought that because she was innocent, she had nothing to worry about. I wish she had lawyered up instead. In May 2018, after two weeks of deliberations the jury found my mother and the other three defendants guilty of 15 federal crimes, including conspiracy to defraud the United States and making false entries in banking disclosure documents. Given the estimate of the monetary damage being close to $190 million, the suggested prison sentence was life.
There were a lot of other things in play here. I can’t convey or describe completely the vast politics that pushed and pulled this trial. The judge had the societal and political pressure to not rock the boat, to give in to the defense for this or that, and to rule on pieces of evidence. It would be career suicide if he were to be seen siding with the four executives who ruined the community that he presided in. In mid-August, the judge threw out any hope of a re-trial. The strain it put on my parents cannot be measured. My father already had heart complications and had suffered blood clot on his brain, as well as a mini-stroke. September 7th, he died after some sort of dizzy spell caused him to fall. My mother thinks it was related to the stress of her pending sentencing hearing. The cardiologist essentially confirmed this.

On my 40th birthday I sat in a courtroom as the judge sentenced my grieving mother to 3 years in prison. She's in her late 60s, and is mourning the loss of her life partner. I moved to the UK 7 years ago, but I'm currently moving back to the US to be the shoulder of support for my mother if she loses her appeal and faces prison. My mother is innocent, and I lost my father on top of all of this. I've never been more angry or lost in my entire life. My life has become a living example of how politics can ruin a life.

Apologies for the heaviness, but I guess this might belong in this thread.

allegro
08-30-2019, 10:00 PM
Magnetic - I’m so sorry. I was a paralegal for nearly 30 years. I saw how brutally awful the Federal cases are. They never lose. Yes, she should have lawyered up and copped a plea (https://www.pewresearch.org/fact-tank/2019/06/11/only-2-of-federal-criminal-defendants-go-to-trial-and-most-who-do-are-found-guilty/).

And, yes, juries NEVER understand these cases. They’re way too complex. Most defendants should opt for a bench trial.

Your Mom can get through this. I looked up this case. She’s already been incredibly strong, has been through so much. She DONATED A KIDNEY TO YOUR DAD??

Stay strong. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your Mom. My condolences on the loss of your Dad.

Magnetic
08-31-2019, 03:02 AM
Thanks for your reply.
I wish we had known those statistics a couple of years ago. The whole thing is so messed up.
And yah, she donated a kidney to my Dad just before 9/11. He had so many health problems. The wrongful conviction ate him up.

The appeal is just now getting underway. I don't have high hopes.

Substance242
09-02-2019, 03:07 AM
Hopefully this will fit here, latest Kurzgesagt video The Egg seriously got me. It seems to be based on 2009 story (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Egg_(2009_short_story)), but it's new for me. So, you are... me.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h6fcK_fRYaI

"Every time you victimized someone...you were victimizing yourself. Every act of kindness you’ve done, you’ve done to yourself. Every happy and sad moment ever experienced by any human was, or will be, experienced by you."

Substance242
10-09-2019, 08:20 AM
It does suck.

Anyway, if you decided to sell everything and disappear to some warm, peaceful, cheap country for the rest of your life, where would it be, any recommendations? :-)

Halo Infinity
10-13-2019, 08:49 PM
@Substance242 (https://www.echoingthesound.org/community/member.php?u=2355) - I'm in no position to do any of that right now, but I totally get the feeling. If I ever won so much money that I'd never have to ever worry about working ever again, it sounds like something I'd do to, even if it would result in me just moving to another part of the city I'm already in.

Those fantasies/dreams keep me going. I just want to get away from it all for good at some point, hopefully before retirement age, which is going to be a lot of work.

Due to my ethnicity/family, the Philippines is often recommended for just that, but it's also more than just warm, since it gets very hot.

For me though, a part of me is imagining myself chilling in Nevada some day in the distant future. I went there, and it seemed like the perfect balance between city and suburb to me, and it looked rather peaceful.

As with life in general, I've been finding myself to be jaded more than anything now to the point where I'm actually just using to Internet to lurk more than ever before. I'm still thankful I can enjoy life every now and then, and I'm sure this is also connected to my physical health regarding my weight as well, but Every Day Is Exactly The Same is my theme song. It's fine with things I like, but when it's also not my liking or even choice, it really does feel like everything is dragging, leaving me wonder what I'm here for and all that confusing/empty/sad stuff.

I so get it though. If I was rich, I would've probably done that a long time ago. Maybe not forever either, but just until I'm hopefully contented and at peace. I know I'm also looking from the outside in with the grass being greener and all, but I'd imagine it would be the best to be rich enough to reside in more than one place.

I sometimes forget, but just talking about this reminds me to take it one day at a time. Thinking and preparing for the future is great and all, while learning from the past, but it certainly helps clearing things about by just sorting things out just day by day in the present, since the present is truly that only time you have and the only time you can actually do things/make things happen, or not. (Especially with my weight-loss journey, which I'm reminded about be easily weighing me down both literally and figuratively now that I think about it yet again.)

NIN64
10-13-2019, 08:51 PM
Life sucks. There really isn't any point to any of this and every day is a struggle to keep going. . .

Halo Infinity
10-13-2019, 09:19 PM
In some ways, I'm kind of there too, even in spite of trying to make things better for myself, which still ultimately boils down to self-preservation and avoiding suffering. The futility of life and death is what always got me ever since I was 7.

Sometimes it helps to stop caring because caring too much hurts so much or just tires me out/confuses the hell of out me or even freaks me out at the very worst. As mentioned in my other post, looking at it again, also seems to scream, "Screw it. I'm done/leaving." Depending on what I'm going through, I seem to constantly shift between caring too much or not caring at all, and just walking/running away. While not always the best option, sleep also helps me shut down and give up, while just clearing my mind and being rested, but like with any coping mechanism, for how long? And I try to be grateful, but I also realize even that is also boiled down to "While I still can."

As much as I don't want to be downer, I figured this thread among a few is still the best place to vent this out.